Category Archives: Issues of the Day

Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

What Makes Sex Intimate?

Sex is often touted as the most intimate act of marriage. So, what makes it so intimate, especially for those married couples out there? 

Here’s a blog about making sure sex is an act of intimacy with your spouse. 

In order for sex to be intimate, there are a number of ingredients. Let’s list ten of them.

  1. Sex is not saying “I want sex;” it’s saying “I want you.”
  2. For sex to be intimate, pornography must be absent in your relationship. 
  3. Sex is knowing the preferred love-receiving, love-giving desires of my wife or husband. 
  4. Sex held within the boundary of our marriage is saying “I choose you, only you.”
  5. Sex is not “getting my needs met,” but rather meeting my spouse’s needs. 
  6. Sex is not just about a man or a woman’s physical release; it’s more about giving love to one another. 
  7. Sex is a physical, emotional and spiritual connection with your spouse.
  8. Sex is about feeling valued by another expressed through love, honor and respect. 
  9. Sex is never forced on another.
  10. Sex that provokes feelings of displeasure, distatefulness or embarrassment is not intimate.

Sheila came to us and shared that sex for her was her husband meeting his needs and then going to sleep. There is no intimacy and no emotional connection in a situation like that. For years she felt like an object. She preferred her marriage to be sexless vs. what she was enduring. 

It doesn’t have to be that way. Make a commitment to take time to evaluate your sexual intimacy. Listen to one another and hear what the other is feeling about your sex lives. Then make a commitment to change or talk to someone you would respect in this area. Do not allow one of the most intimate acts of marriage to be stolen from you. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Politics, Women

The U.S. Elections and the Rhetoric We Are Having to Endure on Social Media

It is exhausting reading ridiculous comments, seeing memes that are utterly ludicrous, red hats, blue maps, movie stars bizarre comments about leaving the country (of which none ever do), one-sided news reports, critical judgements, spiteful words and extremely distasteful posts void of truth, love, or grace. 

I have read posts from those who now distance themselves from “conservatives” and/or “liberals” because of a candidate they support or don’t support. Their personal judgements of others leave them at odds with those they do not agree with. Parents and adult children are being affected in a negative way. Families cannot gather without a fight over which political candidates they despise and far worse, not seeing how it’s tearing them apart. 

I also witness people from other nations who are engaging in the exact same tactics over U.S. politics. They are jumping on the bandwagon of name-calling, character assassinations and spewing harsh words often at Christ’s church in America because of who they suppose the church is supporting.

If you are a part of this style of communication, I urge you to please STOP. You are NOT changing anyone’s mind with your snarky attitude, your posts, and your “truth.” Instead, you are falling right into the enemy’s hands and have become his mouthpiece for he is the one who has come to steal, kill and destroy (divide). You are attempting to intimidate and control others with your personal political agenda. I want to urge you to stop being a part of the problem so that you can start being a part of the solution! 

Being a part of the solution means that you can speak the truth in love, void of critical judgements, negative overtones, intimidation, and that you can disagree while still being in relationship. You must decide that your relationship is more important than the political disagreement. Why? Because your disrespect of others and their beliefs will not cause them to respect you and your beliefs. You may get a few stray “likes” from those who always agree with you, but is that worth the loss of your friends who think or believe differently than you?

Jesus loves His church; He does not hate His church. He is not angry with His church. He died for that politician who you may strongly disagree with. The presidential candidates running for office in the U.S. are loved by Him and one of them will be placed into office. Remove the names and you have two persons Jesus gave His life for. Is He not capable to massage the heart of the one He allows in office?

If you are unable to honor the position of president and/or the one in office, how can you honor the King of the kingdom of God (See John 18:36.)? The Bible challenges us by stating, “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.” (I Peter 2:17; See also Romans 13:1.)

Peter would deny His Lord not once, not twice, but three times. Jesus warned him of this denial and yet our Lord loved him, did not reject him, call him names, or ridicule him. He would in fact use him mightily in spite of his personal shortcomings. Catch these verses: 

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” (Luke 22:31)

Satan was using Peter, but he would “turn back.” Satan wants to use you in the same way. Stop being distracted by all the political rhetoric. There is no joy, no peace and no life in it. You and I are called to rise above the fray, the noisy nonsense and ‘see’ (pray toward) what our Father is actually doing in the midst of a chaotic election season. We are called to pray for the nations and their leaders. You and I are here to support His church, to build His church, to speak life over His church. We are not here to tear it down or to tear it apart. 

We are building an everlasting kingdom, not the kingdoms of this world. Let’s stop speaking, writing, and arguing like we have the final word. We do not; He does.

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” (John 13:34)

“If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar.” (I John 4:20)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun

Not Enough?

I work hard, but I do not work hard enough.

I make sacrifices, but I do not sacrifice enough.

I earn a living, but I do not earn enough.

I give of my time, but I do not give time enough.

I support others activities, but I do not support enough.

I love with all of my heart, but I do not love enough.

I am doing my best, but my best is not enough.

He came to earth from heaven, but a God man was not enough.

He was One of miracles, but miracles were not enough.

He gave Himself to the common man, but a friend of sinners was not enough.

He sacrificed His life a ransom, but a crucifixion was not enough.

Resurrected and a Savior to all mankind.

Jesus, You are more than ENOUGH!

Jesus, You are MY ENOUGH!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Raising Your Pain Tolerance; The Good Part of Pain (Part III)

We were created to feel pain. Pain in our body is an indicator, a warning that something needs medical attention or intervention. Pain is often a danger signal. It forces a response from us. 

Unfortunately, most persons fear pain, especially emotional pain. Think of losing that loved one, the engagement breakup, or the loss of a job. Often we try to avoid pain; it’s just too, simply put, painful. Perhaps God desires to take us through it? 

Is it really the fear of what happens in our life or is it the fear of the pain that follows significant and pain-filled life experiences that we would rather avoid? 

In this blog, I want us to consider how pain helps to build some very important things in each of us and how it requires our attention. 

God never wastes pain in our lives: Every leader in the Bible went through traumatic and painful experiences. Think of Joseph, Job and Daniel. No Christ follower was or is exempt of pain. God uses it to build us spiritually, emotionally and physically. He builds character through pain-filled life experiences. He often allows tests through those areas where we are weak. Pain produces in us more self-awareness and self-knowledge. If we listen to it, we will learn and grow. Why? Because pain is a strengthener. Seasoned leaders have learned to use the pain in their lives to strengthen their leadership abilities. 

Pain is a strengthener: Pain makes us stronger and tougher. Think of the weightlifter. As they push against the pain, they are building muscle mass. Resistance is a strengthener.  Pain is a precursor to healing. We tend to push against pain, but the pain we can tolerate will strengthen us for the next painful situation we find ourselves in. When we persevere, endure and grow through the pain, it is strengthening us. You will handle pain more effectively in the future. You will handle life challenges more efficiently. 

Pain keeps us humble: It builds humility in us by causing us to be less prideful and more real. We often tend to think well of ourselves and sorry for that poor person who is suffering. Pain lets us know it CAN happen to us. It CAN be a reality check. Pain in our lives will help to build compassion and empathy for others. It hopefully builds a greater sense of love for others and what they go through in life. Often we are looking for empathy because we want significant persons in our lives to know we’re in pain. We need them to notice and to “give us a break.” But God is working humility in our lives.

Pain can be self-inflicted: If it is self-inflicted through our reckless mistakes, then we suffer the consequences and learn from those mistakes. But sometimes pain is self-inflicted because we need to recover from surgery, lose weight or grow in more grace-filled responses. This self-inflicted pain for growth is a positive pain that produces a greater good in our lives. 

Pain teaches self-discipline: We need discipline in our lives. We need boundaries. If we suffered from the lack of control in some area of life, the pain of self-discipline can get us back on track. When we fail in a life discipline or goal, it is not a bad thing to suffer pain. This form of pain can teach us to readjust or plan another strategy. 

Pain grows leadership qualities: The more pain we work through, the greater level of pain tolerance we will experience. The greater level of pain tolerance we grow, the greater level of leadership capacity we will grow. Low tolerance…the lower level of leadership.

Pain draws boundaries: When someone is abusing you, it is appropriate to draw a boundary. Pain inflicted upon us for selfish gain or gratification should cause a healthy reaction of setting a boundary from that unhealthy person. Pain will sharpen your senses and cause a greater alertness to yourself and to others. 

Further, to go through personal pain we will appreciate the non-painful times more. We will appreciate pleasure and happiness more. When we suffer the pain of heartache, we will appreciate even more the deep and joyful feeling of love. If we go to great lengths to avoid pain, we might miss what God is wanting to build in our lives. 

Take responsibility for the pain in your life. Long-term victims remain long-term victims by blaming others for their pain. While others have inflicted the pain, at some point we will have to face it and mature through it rather than blaming others. The longer we blame others for our pain, the longer we can stay stuck in our pain.

One day there will be no more pain. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

Until then, “…We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.” (Romans 5:3)

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Men, Training, Women

Prayer in the OR – Knee Replacement Surgery

I recently experienced a total left knee replacement. Three weeks ago, my wife and I entered the surgery center at 6:15 AM and left just before noon to return home. Yes, home the same day only hours after major surgery. It’s pretty amazing what medical science can do today and the human body can endure.

After being placed on the gurney, after anesthesia began and after a spinal was administered, I was almost out of it when I blurted out with no inhibition and for no planned reason, “Can someone here pray before surgery begins, please?” All six persons in that room began to look around at each other and say things like, “Not me.” 

Finally, one young man completely covered from head to toe in an operating room “space suit” came to me and said, “I will, Steve.” The last words I remember were, “In Jesus’ name, amen.” I was out and ready to receive my bionic knee. 

God has His people stationed everywhere. My primary nurse that day, Gwen, was a lovely Christian woman who took superb care of me with the utmost gentleness and peace-filled communication. 

I am learning a lot through this season and I will write more about that later. My point today? Here it is: “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as unto the Lord and not unto men.” (Colossians 3:23)

You may never know how you have touched a life in your workplace or your neighborhood! Take seriously your station in life right now and ask God how you can be an encouragement to others.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Prayer, Women

Praying for Our Adult Children

It was one thing to have prayed for our children as they were growing up in our home under our direct influence, but it is another praying for our adult children, especially if they no longer hold the same values we as parents do. We may have raised them with one set of values and they may choose to live by another set of values. 

Our children grew up in our home with the consistent example of seeing, hearing, and experiencing faith-believing prayer. We prayed for and about everything. We wanted them to know that even though their parents could not meet all of their needs, there was Someone who could. Children need a model of prayer which causes them to “seek first the kingdom of God.”

Today, as we pray for our adult children and their children, we still desire to see changes in their lives. As minor children, we could force some changes; we had that level of control. As adults we can only influence change through prayer and any open door they will give us. Very few persons desire our advice without them first asking for it, including our children. 

Praying for our adult children is our first line of defense and offense. It is not inaction. Prayer is not secondary; it is not lacking any other answer; it must be our go-to move first and foremost. Prayer is our lifeline to our Father as He works on behalf of our children. Prayer helps to keep the focus off of what we can do or feel the need to do and places it upon what Holy Spirit is doing in our lives and theirs. Prayer, giving our cares over to God, helps to keep our hearts at peace and free from anxiety.

We pray for them and we let them know we are praying for them. If you have opportunity, you can even let them know what and how you are praying. So, how do we pray?

Ask your Father to place the right person(s) in their lives at the right time. 

Ask Him to be in their dreams, in the music they listen to and in the media they watch. Ask Him to show up in multiple ways.

Pray for their workplace, their families, their finances, and their safety.

Pray scriptures over them. God’s word sent in prayer is a powerful tool. Pray peace over them.

Pray for God’s purposes to be fulfilled and the passions He placed on their hearts to be realized. 

Pray for their spiritual ears to hear His still small voice. 

If your children are asking for prayer, no request is too small or too large. If your children are not asking for prayer, maybe even are antagonistic toward prayer, choose not to be offended. Don’t back away from loving and accepting them. Do not choose hurt; choose the relationship any way you can get it, even if it feels shallow. Surface or fragile relationships are better than no relationship or broken relationships. Continually, in every way you can, reinforce your unconditional love as their parents. 

“The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16) Your prayers make a difference.

I thank you, heavenly Father, that You are working in my son/daughter’s life each and every day. I thank You that Holy Spirit does not leave them or forsake them. I am grateful that You are loving them in a way that I cannot right now. I am grateful that regardless of what they’re saying or doing, You are drawing them to Yourself. Father, You gave them birth, they are Yours and You love them in far greater measure than I can. I commit them to Your love, to Your care. In Jesus’ name.

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Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Conflicts in Marriage and How to Resolve Them

Conflicts–we all have them. Can you recall your last conflict with your spouse or your child? 

At the core and simply stated, you desired one thing and the other party desired another. You may have wanted something good, but the goal was blocked by the disagreement. It can be a daily occurrence. 

How do you personally resolve a conflict? How did your parents resolve a conflict or perhaps they didn’t? We tend to follow in their footsteps whether we like it or not. 

First, let’s establish this: conflict in marriage is not wrong. Not resolving conflict is wrong. Conflict that brings us to a solution can be a good thing as long as we honor one another in the process. When conflict turns meanspirited or resorts to name calling and uncontrolled anger, we have crossed a line. 

Here are five steps you can take to help you bring a conflict to a resolve:

  • Understand / Discover

Understand that any two individuals will from time to time come into conflict.  Understanding means listening and not just wanting to be understood. Discover what the conflict is and then identify each person’s understanding of the problem, as well as what goals are blocked by this difference.

  • Set Aside Time; The Right Time

Set aside time to deal with the conflict. When emotions are out of control, take time to step back, calm down, think and then come back together. (The use of a key phrase that signals we will come back together within a specified period of time to deal with the problem can be advantageous, e.g., “We need a cup of coffee.”) The right time is when we are not reacting but rather responding without an inordinate amount of emotion.

  • Agreement and Staying on the Subject

Discover areas that you are in agreement as well as the areas of disagreement. Stay on the subject which represents the immediate conflict. Do not allow the conflict to wander off into other unrelated areas of disagreement.

  • Appreciate and Identify the Needs

Appreciate your spouse’s opinion and what they add to the process. When you value the ideas and feelings of your partner, you value that person. Allow for the needs of each partner to be met. When needs are met, conflict can be resolved and goals can be reached.

  • Explore the Options and Move Toward a Solution 

Explore options of resolution and move toward a solution. Prayer is a vital part of exploring the options and moving toward a solution. Take the time to not only listen to each other, but to the Lord as well.

James 4: 1 and 2 tells us that we fight and argue, trying to get what we want from each other. James then profoundly states we do not get what we want because we do not ask God. 

Your choice – fight and argue or pray and agree.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day

Fear vs. Faith

Fear will steal from you;

   Faith will bring increase and enlarge you.

Fear pushes for a retreat;

   Faith pushes for an advance.

Fear brings doubt;

   Faith brings answers.

Fear will keep us from finding our identity;

   Faith moves us toward our identity.

Fear causes us to forget God’s promises;

   Faith causes us to remember God’s promises and then act on them.

Fear delays;

   Faith is now.

Fear brings defeat;

   Faith brings hope.

Fear holds us back;

   Faith moves us ahead.

Fear questions;

   Faith confirms.

Fear brings loss;

   Faith brings gain.

Fear hesitates and vacillates;

   Faith moves us to victory.

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

Conquer your fears with a spirit of faith!

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day

Are You Following Your Heart? Don’t!

I am unsure where the phrase “follow your heart” came from. I have certainly used it on occasion and perhaps you have too. But should we be using that phrase with our children or our spouse or our close friends? 

Here’s my challenge from the book of Jeremiah: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” (17:9)

Yikes, the Bible actually says that? Yes, in fact it does. 

So, what are we to follow? The Holy Spirit, God’s still small voice (I Kings 19:12). Here are some additional words of advice from God’s word:

Isaiah 30:21
“And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.”

Jeremiah 33:3
“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”

Psalm 119:105
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”

Mark 4:24
“And he said to them, ‘Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you.’”

John 5:30 – From Christ.
“I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me.”

John 10:27
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.”

John 14:26
“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

I am not sure of my heart or yours, but I am totally sure of God’s heart toward you.

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Issues of the Day, Men, Premarital, Singles, Women

Dating in the 1950’s Vs. Dating Advice for Today

Dating is not a concept that has been around for centuries. It is more of a modern phenomenon. Many countries still do not engage in the modern notion of dating. But what did dating look like in the 1950’s? 

It was a postwar era and much was reflected in the perception of dating when it came to male and female relationships. Men were expected to lead and demonstrating chivalry was extremely important. Dating etiquette has changed drastically, but what follows are a few examples.

Women were expected to be more reserved than men, so much so that woman would defer to their male date to order at restaurants for them. A lot of dating was group dating as dances and movies were frequented the most. Never was there a discussion of who would pay, as the men were always expected to pay the bill. After all, men were seen as the “protectors and providers” and financial ability symbolized the male role. 

Dating was far more social in the 1950’s. It was not as much a private affair as it was a time to introduce your date to all your friends and your family. After all, family approval was a very important perception. 

The idea of “going steady” began in the 1950’s. It meant that the dating relationship had become exclusive as it took a step toward a “serious” relationship. Exclusivity had within it the exchange of high school rings or college jackets as a ritual symbolizing a more permanent move in the relationship. 

While we’re a long way from the 1950’s, there’s bit of purity in the nostalgia. Relationships were cherished and not thrown away in selfishness. As sexual “freedoms” became a thing in the 1960’s and 1970’s, the innocence of dating began to deteriorate. This deterioration began a downhill slide of disrespect toward one’s date as well as the parents. 

Scripturally, the word dating is not found in the Bible. But what might be some concepts to adhere to for today in order to maintain a godly or God-honored relationship?

  1. Treat your date like your bother or your sister. I Timothy 5:1-2 reveals that we are to treat older men as fathers and younger men as brothers. We are instructed to treat older woman as mothers and younger woman as sisters. Then these words are added to the verse, “…with absolute purity.” The scriptures admonish us that in a dating relationship we are to treat our date as a beloved brother or sister with absolute purity. Romans 12 and 13 have a lot of advice as well. “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world…” “Honor one another above yourself.” “Hate what is evil…” “Love does no harm…” “Put aside deeds of darkness…behave decently…not in sexual immorality.”
  2. In your dating, strive to be one another’s protection. Dating can quickly turn into a taking relationship vesus a giving one. When that happens, it becomes “me” centered. Dating has an unwritten concept within it today that goes like this, “I’ll try it to see if I like it and it meets my needs.” That concept promotes hurt and rejection rather than love and protection. When we date in a godly fashion we are thinking about what will bless this other person. We are thinking about what will bring them joy and what will promote spiritual and emotional growth for them. Think of it in these terms: if sexual immorality takes from the one I am dating then saving sex for marriage is protecting this person for their future spouse. Further, if dating becomes full of repentance and apologies from the last date, then we have not protected the spirituality or the emotions of the one we are dating.
  3. Live and date to please God; set boundaries for yourself and your relationship I Thessalonians four warns us to abstain from sexual immortality. You are warned to treat your body as holy and your date with honor. If our dating has become “acting married”, then we are defrauding one another. This foundation is a disaster for marriage. Why? Because, if one is sexual before marriage, why not be sexual outside your marriage? Think about it. If you are not setting boundaries for yourself in a dating relationship, what makes you think you’ll set boundaries within your marriage, let alone keep them? 

Do you desire to honor God in your dating? Then take a closer look at the three points above and pursue them for yourself. You will never regret following God’s truths while pursuing that special person He has for you.

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