Category Archives: Leadership

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Navigating Leadership Disappointment and Failure

Some answers for the recently exposed leadership failures

Having walked in ministry leadership for over 50 years, I can accurately and factually say, if sin is present in the lives of leaders, it will sooner or later surface. There will eventually be some form of exposure, and a reckoning will follow. 

When God’s leaders are covering up and lying about sin in their lives, His mercy will be extended, but not for a lifetime. Out of His love, He will expose it. Someone well said, “Failure is not always sin, but sin is always failure.”

Galatians 5:19-21 (TPT)

 “The behavior of the self-life is obvious: Sexual immorality, lustful thoughts, pornography,
 chasing after things instead of God, manipulating others, hatred of those who get in your way, senseless arguments, resentment when others are favored, temper tantrums, angry quarrels, only thinking of yourself, being in love with your own opinions, being envious of the blessings of others, murder, uncontrolled addictions, wild parties, and all other similar behavior. Haven’t I already warned you that those who use their “freedom” for these things will not inherit the kingdom realm of God!”

Failure in leadership will always relate to our personal decisions and then our actions. We’re all broken and imperfect leaders, but that does not mean we are separated from God or our accountability within the local church. 

There is a HUGE difference between one exposing their own sin or failure versus our sin or failure being exposed by another. One is our own volition which will decrease collateral damage and the other becomes a stain on the body of Christ and results in unknown levels of collateral damage.

The outcome of sin or moral failure in leadership is based on two important factors: what we as an individual do about our failure, in other words, how we respond, and then what leadership does about that failure.

I’ve also heard it said, “You can stub your toe a hundred times, but you can only cut your throat once.” The way we, the church, your church chooses to handle leadership failure will either make or break that church or organization. With humility and confession, the church must respond with healing and restoration steps. However, depending on the level of authority, restoration looks different. What are some of the quantifiers?

Quantifiers include:*

• Qualitative Assessment: How serious were the sinful acts and to what degree

were people victimized by their action?

• Quantitative Assessment: How long was this sinful behavior practiced and how

many victims were involved.

• Voluntary Action: Did this person confess on their own or were they caught and forced to

confess?

• Cooperative Conduct: Did this person cooperate with investigators or were they absent

and/or uncooperative?

• Active Coverup: Did they confess their sins during the time of their perpetrated acts, or

did they seek to continuously cover them up with co-conspirators?

• Repentant Behavior: Was there sincere and open repentance from the heart or

were they more concerned about preserving their own reputation or the reputation of the organization?

• Humble Submission: Was there a willingness to submit to church discipline and

adhere to those requirements or was he/she unwilling to do so?

Once again, did this person come forward and confess their own sin? David in Psalms 36 writes, “There is no fear of God before his eyes. For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin.” (Verses 1b, 2)

It’s all disappointing, but lest we get ahead of ourselves and point fingers, we must ask ourselves how would we like personal failure to be handled in our lives? How would we like to be treated? Would we desire grace or law? Would we desire restoration or complete failure? Forgiveness or judgment? We cannot compromise God’s word to protect personal reputation, but at the same time we must confront in truth, love, and grace because healing, restoration, and restitution are the goal.

So, it’s confrontation without partiality and confrontation for purity of the church versus an individual’s comfort or the preservation of a ministry.

Our purpose:

We work toward Colossians 1:28: “He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.” Also, Galatians 4:19: “My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you…” 

And I Timothy 5:19-21: “Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. 20 But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning. 21 I charge you, in the sight of God and Christ Jesus and the elect angels, to keep these instructions without partiality, and to do nothing out of favoritism.”

As well as I Corinthians 4:1-5: “This, then, is how you ought to regard us: as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the mysteries God has revealed. 2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. 3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.”

A real-life example:

In giving oversight to churches we will come across failure among leaders. On one occasion, an elder confessed to his wife of his extramarital affair with another woman, then confessing to his children, along with the elder team, to God and then to his church congregation (I am not sure about the actual order of confessions.). 

From there we developed a plan for healing and restoration with full repentance and turning away from sin. We described the plan he would be required to submit to. Several congregants came to us and shared, “Thank you for dealing with this forthrightly, righteously, lovingly and openly. It brings security to know our leaders and our leaders’ leaders are confronting sin and desiring to bring restoration. In our prior churches sin was always covered over and the person or leader who sinned left.”

Everywhere we look today, God is cleaning house: From IHOP to Hillsong, to the Southern Baptists, to the Catholics. He is also exposing politicians and CEO’s. This in and of itself should put the fear of God in each of us. 

A side note observation of all this exposed sin

What can inadvertently happen is that churchgoers, godly people, become disillusioned and disappointed or can even grow apathetic, e.g., “If our leaders can’t hold it together, how do I stand a chance?”

Hebrews 12:2: Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith, not any leader. We must keep our eyes on Him. Jesus experienced disappointment in others. He watched the 72 walk away from following Him. I believe He processed those feelings and those thoughts with His Father. Our encouragement from this is that we must take our disappointments to God. 

Hebrews 10:25 – We do not stop meeting together even though we are a very imperfect church with imperfect leaders. 

Two international churches:

When I meet new leaders I take them and their spouse through some extensive questioning. I let them know we may all have skeletons in our closet, but those must be dealt with biblically and appropriately so they can come to healing. We are attempting to avoid those skeletons being exposed down the road when they not only hurt the leader but, possibly, also hurting those whom they lead. 

Sin destroys our credibility and trust and if not self-exposed and brought into the light, it can also destroy the relationship. As leaders walk in unrepentant and unconfessed sin, some of the following will accompany them and their leadership: 

  • the misuse of power/authority
  • the misuse of scripture
  • the misuse of emotions
  • the mishandling of resources – finances in particular

As I confronted the first leader with sexual issues, he refused to confess for multiple meetings until he finally gave in when I told him the Lord had revealed to me that something was terribly awry. He refused counsel to bring what was in the dark to the light. He turned his leadership team against me behind my back. I was unable to tell my side to his leaders and we lost that very valuable church. But more importantly, we lost the relationships we had developed over time.

The second international leader I had to confront confessed, repented, apologized, stepped down from all leadership and entered a lengthy process of healing with a hopeful restoration of ministry. Unfortunately, his confession resulted in a divorce, but I believe he himself has been spared of judgment by cooperation with steps of healing and restoration.  

It is a long road back. When we fail, we don’t realize or do not always connect our actions to how many persons our sin will and does affect. 

I Corinthians 9:27 – “No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” We can actually disqualify ourselves from leadership.

II Corinthians 7:9-19: “Yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” 

We long for healing for the fallen, but at the same time, we must remember the ones this sin affects and harms. If we do not attack the cancer in the body of Christ, in our local church, it will spread. In many cases being exposed today, the leader’s sin, even if initially unknown, can trickle down into other leaders and affect even more innocent people.

A four-step process:

  1. Disassociation: I Corinthains 5:9-18: “I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world.11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[a] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. 12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. Expel the wicked person from among you.”
  2. To reach an act of forgiveness: II Corinthians 2:5-11: “If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. 6 The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. 7 Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.9 Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. 10 Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, 11 in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”
  3. To be able to restore in a spirit of meekness: Galatians 6:1: “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”
  4. Making restitution: Luke 19:8-9 (ESV): “And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.” 9 And Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, since lhe also is a son of Abraham.”

You and Me:

We are a part of the integrity of our local church, our family and our marriage, but more so, of Christ. When the Bible forbids something and calls it sin, it is forbidden. We are never to overlook something illegal, immoral, unscriptural or be part of a coverup of the same. We do not cover for sin or evil. “Do not touch God’s anointed…” is not a verse that justifies covering up anything. We cannot neglect Matthew 18.  And you cannot rationalize with irrational people who defend their sin. 

Many ask the question: do you confront publicly?

To someone who is not in a public leadership position, and they hear you and receive you as you walk through Matthew 18, no. To leadership individual who are involved in chronic, ongoing sin and who does not confess, but cover up, yes. Our example? Galatians 2:11-13: Paul is confronting Peter. “Now when Peter had come to Antioch, I withstood him to his face, because he was to be blamed; 12 for before certain men came from James, he would eat with the Gentiles; but when they came, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing [f]those who were of the circumcision. 13 And the rest of the Jews also played the hypocrite with him, so that even Barnabas was carried away with their hypocrisy.”

At the same time realize your own potential for failure. 

I Corinthians 10:13: 13” The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”

Ways to walk in health, integrity and accountability:

  1. Make a personal commitment to God’s word and His standards for personal boundaries. The word of God, containing the boundaries of God, has been given for our protection. 

Psalm 119:9 – “How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word.”

Write down your personal ministry boundaries! For example: not traveling alone; not counseling the opposite sex alone, etc.

  • Maintain your marriage vows and commitment. 

What are your marriage boundaries? Write them down in agreement with your spouse.

Proverbs 5:18-19: “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always.
May you always be captivated by her love.”

Grass is greener when you water it and fertilize it. Water your marriage, grow it, sow into it actively. Lust is not physical attraction – that’s humanness. Lust is desire to take what is not yours. Redirect your attraction to your life mate.

  • Be accountable and self-report – everyone in authority is under authority. Every one of us needs accountability. 

Everyone in the medical field is held accountable by self-reporting and constant computer charting. When a medical professional makes a medicine mistake, they are required to report it by placing it into their charting logs. If they fail to do this and their mistake is discovered, they will surely be fired from their job. However, if they are completely honest about their mistake and report it properly, they most likely will keep their job with a warning. This is a process of taking a wrongdoing from the dark and successfully, forthrightly, and honestly bringing it into the light.

  • Monitor your thoughts:  Beliefs –> Thoughts –> Feelings –> Actions –> Habits  

“Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. 15 These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” (James 1:14-15)

As we monitor our thoughts and then backtrack to our beliefs, we’ll discover either misbeliefs or God’s beliefs. It is the ongoing process of Romans 12: 2 – “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

David said in Psalms 101: 3 – “I will not look with approval on anything that is vile.

I hate what faithless people do; I will have no part in it.”

  • Keep watch and magnify the consequences. Know what tempts you. Ask yourself: Is it worth it? What do I stand to lose? What is the possible collateral damage?

“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,[a] your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy,[b] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!” (Matthew 6:22-23)

12 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” (James 1:12)

Temptation to sin is always shortsighted and not thought through. To be unfaithful to the Lord, to your marriage and family, you must make multiple wrong decisions to pursue something wrong or sinful – multiple. We each have ample opportunity to stop, listen to that still small voice and repent, cut off our thoughts and our actions so that we can return to God’s truth and the freedom His truth provides.

*Thank you to the PRT team and Mark Pfeifer for these qualifications.

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Do I Need to Listen More?

Have you ever bristled at those dreaded words, “We need to talk!”? It seems inevitable that something (most times something negative) in our relationship has been given a chance to grow and now we need to take the time to talk it through. 

Only imagine if one of us countered, “I need to listen”?  I have repeatedly shared that colleges offer effective communication courses and public speaking classes, but have you ever noticed them offering a public listening course? I haven’t, and yet people pay counselors $150.00 plus per hour–fifty minutes actually–and feel better just because someone took the time to listen to them. 

How are your listening skills progressing in your marriage? Listening expresses to the person you are listening to importance and worth. It shows willingness to take in another’s perspective. It reduces aggression in a conversation by not being defensive. It shows respect and honor. It helps to create an atmosphere of understanding. 

Listening is a skill and it’s one that will go a long way in marriage. If our mate feels heard, not necessarily agreed with, they will feel valued. Showing value is priceless in a relationship. What we value we will give our time to.

The scripture wisely adds this: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” (James 1: 19-20)

Quick to listen, slow to speak.…

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It Can be Painful to Become Fruitful

I have grown apple, pear and peach trees for years and enjoyed the fruit they bear. It was a constant challenge however, growing fruit from those trees. There were diseases that attacked them. Ants loved those trees, as did multiple other insects. They had to be sprayed regularly and pruned annually. Of course, bees were necessary to pollinate them; rain, sun, and regular feeding to grow them. It’s any wonder with all the work there was any fruit at all. 

I had one other hazard to look out for with my fruit trees in particular–our yellow labrador retriever, Maggie. She loved picking the low hanging fruit. When it was green, she had endless fun playing with those “balls.” When it was ripe, she grabbed her daily share to lay down on our picnic bench and devour them. 

Without all the work there was no fruit, or at best, low quality fruit. But work should yield good fruit, right? The concept of growing fruit is found in the Bible. Jesus spoke about it and He verified that His Father was a fruit grower as well. In John chapter 15 Jesus shared that He cuts off branches which no longer produce fruit. No fruit can be born without a connection to the tree. Jesus taught that He is the vine and we are the branches. Apart from Jesus, we cannot produce fruit. 

Further, He taught us about pruning or cutting the tree back so it can give more of its energy into growing fruit. It took me years to develop the concept of a proper pruning of a fruit tree. I can still recall one older gentleman who said, “After you cut the tree back, return to it and prune it again.” The tree looks pretty bare and hopeless to produce anything. 

When Paul the Apostle was writing to the Galatian church he mentioned “fruit of the Spirit” and then listed them as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. While God’s pruning of us as His branches is not painless, it serves a very clear purpose: producing fruit in our lives and ridding us of “the sinful nature desires” that are “contrary to the Spirit.” Like pruning a fruit tree to produce larger, sweeter, and more inviting fruit, our heavenly Father is pruning us so we can produce good and attractive fruit from our lives.

Your heavenly Father is a gentle vine dresser, but purposeful. He knows exactly where to operate, how deep to cut, and how much to sever. Grant Him permission to cut off the unfruitful desires of the flesh so He can grow His fruit of the Spirit in your life, “Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” (See Galatians 5:16-26.)

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Finding Your Happy Pace

It is said that not everyone is a goal setter. There are those who live day-by-day; what will come will come and somehow get away with it. They specialize in not having a plan, being primarily spontaneous, and perhaps generally lacking or maybe even avoiding order. 

Then there are those who not only have a plan and goals, but they also have a list–a daily list. They love their list and especially enjoy crossing off those tasks completed. They feel productive and useful. And when they complete their list, only then can they rest. 

I personally fall into the latter group. I have lists for daily jobs, blogs I want to write, work I want to accomplish, and sermon messages I want to share. Checking off an accomplishment from my list gives me certain satisfaction. At the same time, I feel like I’m not missing things I should not miss. My lists are a reminder. While I am not driven by them, they help me find my pace.

If I don’t get through my list, then the items simply go to another day–no worries. I do not fret over my list if not every line item is accomplished. But I have a secret that I am going to let you in on. 

I start every day with God. I do not begin any list before I spend time with my Friend, my Savior, my Boss, and my Pace Setter. I want my list to honor Him first. And I want Him to be honored before my list. My priority is to “seek first the kingdom of God” and then knowing He will help me accomplish my list. 

The only way to really know someone is to spend time with them. The only way to have true direction is to hear your Father’s voice. He’s waiting to spend time with you, to speak to you, to love you and to share His thoughts so that your daily pace is directed by Him. Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us that there is a time for everything.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

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Maintaining Sexual Boundaries Within our Marriages and Ministries

It’s easy to cross a line today that should not be crossed, but has anyone ever sat you down and told you what some of those lines are? Most likely not. 

This blog is directed toward the male* leader who finds it confusing when complimented on his looks, clothes, his message or his ministry. Or who is responsible to provide counsel and input to such persons? How does one respond to such persons that offer compliments, especially if they are coming from an attractive woman? How can you not be drawn toward or read more into those words that are so flattering and meant specifically for you? 

(*Note: If you are a female pastoral leader to whom these principles will also apply, feel free to substitute the opposite gender references in this article.)

Let’s discuss some boundary lines that will provide wisdom and direction for you.

  1. Meeting alone with a woman in your office: I do not care how professional you think you are, no one is above being tempted by the evil one. Your heart and the heart of your counselee may be perfectly pure, but the enemy of your soul is fully impure. And for the other side of things… all she needs to do is leave your office and claim inappropriateness. You’ll fully understand the saying, “Guilty until proven innocent.” It can end your ministry. Require your female counselee to bring a friend, a female leader in her life or grab a coworker from your office (that she is comfortable with) to sit in with you.
  2. Do not ready yourself for that appointment. This means how you are dressed, how much cologne you wear, and what language you’ll use. All of these can be subtle messages.
  3. Touch means something. Do not hold her hand, stroke her arm or hug her to “comfort” her. Even teenage woman can be confused by your touch. Yes, people need touch and yes, they need hugs, but not in this environment of vulnerability. 
  4. Do not allow yourself to be cornered in a building or a room alone for a private conversation with the opposite sex. This too is dangerous for you and her. Make sure others are around and you both are visible. 
  5. Do not visit an opposite sex congregant alone. If visiting and you discover her husband or her roommate is not there, do not enter the threshold of that house.
  6. Do your best to not ride alone in a car with a woman who is not your wife or your relative.
  7. Watch your compliments. Compliments about hair, clothing, her recent diet and/or her appearance (especially her shape) in general should be refrained from. Compliments to a child or a senior can be appropriate.
  8. Do not fantasize or dream about woman who you have contact with. These imaginary contacts can actually prepare you for your next connection in a very unhealthy way. 
  9. When you are approached and complimented by that certain woman politely thank her and move on from the conversation. Do not probe further into why she is complimenting you or how she feels about you. When that compliment turns into something like, “Oh, pastor, you’re looking good today” or “Have you been working out lately?” laugh it off and change the subject as soon as you can. Do not acknowledge her compliment or agree with her. 
  10. If you find yourself attracted or see signs of attraction, move away from the situation spiritually, emotionally, and physically. As a leader, you are more than your feelings and thoughts; you are committed to righteousness. Maintain an accountability partner that you can confess to and pray with. Pursue integrity and a proper fear of God. 

Psalm 19:14 is your prayer. “May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

You are complete in the Lord (Colossians 2:10) and do not need another opposite sex relationship in your life to bring security or esteem to you. 

You have a two-fold focus when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex: God and your wife (if married). The book of Proverbs reminds us to drink water from your own cistern (Proverbs 5:15). 

As we walk in the proper fear of God, we will only desire to obey Him and be faithful to our spouse. 

  • Proverbs 1:7:

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

  • Proverbs 9:10:

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”

  • Proverbs 14:26:

“In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have a place of refuge.”


I’ve told you this ahead of time, before it happens, so that when it does happen, the confirmation will deepen your belief in me. I’ll not be talking with you much more like this because the chief of this godless world is about to attack. But don’t worry—he has nothing on me, no claim on me. But so the world might know how thoroughly I love the Father, I am carrying out my Father’s instructions right down to the last detail. “Get up. Let’s go. It’s time to leave here. (John 14:30 The Message)

I love how in this passage Jesus was confident that the enemy “has nothing on me.” May the enemy of your soul have nothing on you as you determine to walk in integrity, high moral character, accountability, the fear of the Lord and eyes only for one woman–your wife!

(Thanks to Joe McKeever for inspiration on some of the thoughts above.)

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Is Marriage First or Is Ministry First?

Church planting and/or pastoral ministry is a huge undertaking, and it is not a 9-5 job. Pastors serve congregants all hours of the day and night. There is a high expectation placed upon a pastor’s life and schedule.

There are births, deaths, weddings, counseling, hospital visits, family visits all beside sermon prep, teaching, preaching and oversight of multiple ministries within the local church. It certainly can be overwhelming and far more than normal fulltime employment. 

For most, pastoral ministry is a calling and a passion. 

However, pastors have a marriage and children who can often feel as though they come after the ministry. Learning to put marriage before ministry can be a daunting challenge. I Timothy 5: 8 reminds us of a biblical priority, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

Here are some helps to keep pastoral ministry and marriage in their proper perspective:

Love your spouse more than your ministry. If you have a congregation of 100 persons, you will never please everyone. But you do need to please your spouse. If you are prioritizing the needs of your congregation above the needs of your family, you are already missing the mark biblically. Your first church is your marriage and your children.

    Attempting to gain the approval of 100 persons is impossible, but it is not impossible to gain the approval of your immediate family. And here’s something to commit to memory: another can pastor your congregation, but no one else is called to lead and care for your marriage and family. (See Ephesians 5: 25-28.)

    • Pursue intimacy from your marriage and not your ministry. Your ministry is not the one that you are called to romance. Many pastors’ marriages have fallen to pieces because ministry was their mistress. Your spouse is more important than any one congregant and she/he should feel that. If your spouse observes that you’ve been out too many nights, listen and ask what a better balance might be. Specifically talk about evening ministry versus daytime ministry. 

    Create a regular date night and take a weekly family day. When ministry does take the priority and interrupts your marital priorities there will be more understanding given to you from your family. 

    • Pastors have marriage issues just like anyone else. Do not sell yourself short in realizing that your marriage needs marriage retreats and seminars. Do not avoid counseling. If there is a need in your marriage, then lead by example and find appropriate input and help. 
    • Pastors frequently deal with conflicts arising within their church family and are often expected to help resolve issues. That said, you dare not enter the threshold of your home and sink into an easy chair avoiding your own family’s issues. If your family is dealing with a conflict, then you are part of the solution as well. Just because you have heavy situations within the church does not mean you receive a pass from directly dealing with home issues. 

    Dealing with conflict among others means you must develop the skill of listening. That skill is needed in your home also. Do not turn a deaf ear to the cries of your spouse.

    Making sure that your heart is in your home as well as your ministry will serve you well. More than likely your marriage was before your ministry. And your marriage will remain after your ministry, so keep it the highest priority. Your spouse and your children will love and respect you for it. 

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    Social Media Dissension and How You and I Are Part of the Problem

    If you are like me, you’re tempted to cast your vote toward the negative side when there is a social media post about someone you dislike, someone who pushes the values you do not stand for or someone who does not speak for you. And yet, their platform might be larger than yours or mine. It’s a challenge when every known opinion is exposed today for all to read. The sad fact is though, it may not be the truth or the whole truth. Unfortunately, we can get caught up in reacting to a post that may or may not be accurate. (It is well known now that even “fact checkers” can stand with one side.)

    You cast your opinion for all to read on social media. You gain a few likes. It comes and goes with each new day, but your words remain on that page. Now others see how to identify you or how to characterize you. It’s a sad reality of social media and the freedom we have in expressing our opinion on any matter, often of which we have no power or purpose to change.

    When you and I express a strong opinion to which some of your personal relationships disagree with, you have now effectively isolated yourself and/or placed an enmity between you and your friend. At the very least, an antagonism or an animosity to avoid. Even writing this blog forces me to face that reality.

    You have the freedom to speak against anyone including the president of the United States, but is it the right thing to do? You have the freedom (in this nation) to express your opinion about any authority you disagree with. 

    Along those lines, I desire to provide for you some scriptures to reflect upon, to consider before you write that next post. For the believer, there is a different standard than the world. For the Christ follower, our speech is to be reflective of our Lord and His love. When we forget this, we easily entertain the flesh and what feels right rather than what is right. 

    First, always maintain a position of honor toward authority (words in bold for emphasis of the point):

    I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— 2 for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. 3 This is good, and pleases God our Savior, 4 who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. (I Timothy 2:1-4)

    Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, 2 to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone. 9 But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. 10 Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. (Titus 3:1-2, 9-10)

    Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 5 Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience. 13 Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.(Romans 13:1,5,13)

    • What is dissension? The Greek word translated as “dissensions” in the New Testament is dichostasia, which literally means “standing apart” or “division.”
    • Dissensions are presented as a negative force that disrupts relationships, creates factions, and hinders the progress of God’s work.
    • Dissension is purposefully creating division and disagreement among relational connections and scripturally determined to be ungodly or sinful.

    Dissension in the scriptures:

    29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.(Ephesians 4:29-32)

    14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

    16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

    19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

    22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:14-23)

    7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. (Galatians 6:7-10)

    I learned a long time ago there are three sides to every story of which our media today nor social media present in any unbiased fashion. Those three sides are: your side; the other side and the truth. Unfortuanately, we are inundated with one-sided information today. 

    Remember: In a lawsuit the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines. (Proverbs 18:17)

    Thank you for hearing God’s heart, identifying with his word and truly desiring to honor His word with your speech. May all we say, may all we write and may all the ways we influence others bring glory to God!

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    Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

    Does Going Through a Rough Patch in Our Marriage Disqualify Us from Ministry?

    Every marriage has it challenges and some more than others. Does that disqualify us from ministry in our local church or elsewhere? The answer? Yes and no.

    The first step is assessment. How long have we had this struggle? Is it a repeated struggle? Have we sought counsel for this particular issue? Do we avoid finding solutions? Are we actively trying to find solutions? Are we being stubborn and refusing personal change? Are either one of us in active sin? Are we blaming our spouse solely for the struggle and not taking any personal responsibility? 

    The answers to these questions can help us determine whether we should be involved in ministry during this season of our relationship.

    We recently experienced a couple sharing with us they feel disqualified for entering a couples’ ministry at this time because they are attempting to work through some of their own marriage issues. I asked them if they ever struggle raising their children or have they made huge mistakes in parenting. They said, “yes.” I then asked them if they should stop parenting or perhaps consider adopting out their children. As ridiculous as that sounds, sometimes it’s just as ridiculous to think disqualification from ministry over aggressively pursuing marital healing.

    You must know if you can minister to others while experiencing conflict yourself, but neither does the conflict always disqualify you from serving others. It is out of our own pain sometimes that we learn to help others. And healed people can bring healing to many!

    The key is, after assessment, chase healing. Give it everything you have and pursue growth in your marriage and in your individual lives. As we heal individually, our marriage will also experience healing. There is no perfect marriage, but we serve a perfect Savior who possesses all the answers we need for our daily life challenges!

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    Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

    Can Divorced Persons Serve in Church Leadership?

    I have been asked this question multiple times. I am not the final authority, but one thing I know for sure is that not every divorce is sinful, but most are the result of sin. 

    “Not every divorce is sinful.” Does that statement in and of itself leave room for the divorced to be placed in local church leadership? I believe it does and here’s why.

    Historically divorce was rare in the United States, and it was easy to simply say that divorced persons could not serve in leadership. In other words, in the rare case of divorce, denying leadership responsibilities was easy, quick and involved far less discussion and prayer. But that position can be punishing and made more so out of tradition.

    With the changes in divorce proceedings and forced divorce, i.e., no-fault divorce, we are left with multiple interpretations of scripture. Also, one must decide if they desire to be led by feelings and culture or scriptural precedent. As a counselor, I often heard the following, “How can it be so wrong if it feels so right?”

    Well, lots of things can be wrong that feel right. So, leaving selfishness behind, let’s delve into the question. 

    First, divorce in and of itself is bringing trauma to the family. It rips apart two adults who have become one in covenantal relationship, and it is devastating to children. Kids do not care about 2 +2 if mom and dad are ending their marriage and affecting all the security they need, know, love and crave. As churches desire to be “relevant to culture,” they will cave to the feeling side of divorce. Church leaders in an effort to not offend will compromise the scripture. 

    But God “hates” divorce (Malachi 2:16) because He knows what it does to individuals, families, extended families and ultimately to culture. I love when leaders are compassionate to those who have experienced the trauma of divorce, but that compassion dare not lead to an unscriptural view. 

    Many who experience divorce would tell me that it occurred before they were Christians. However, marriage is not a Christian act; it’s a creation act of God. That means that any and all marriage vows are spoken to God until death do we part. 

    Timing in divorced leaders is important. If the divorce was a year ago or even three plus years ago, there needs to be time, a season to observe the prospective leader’s character and integrity. How have they grown through what occurred them? What was the cause of the divorce and was it scriptural to divorce?  Has there been a remarriage of either party? Was there repentance and ownership taken for their part in the marriage ending? Have they received counseling for the wound(s) of divorce on the soul and spirit?

    Paul told Timothy (I Timothy 3:2,12) that an elder must be the husband of one wife. Did that mean one wife versus multiples wives (polygamy)? Did that mean only one marriage partner for life? Or did that mean the divorced and remarried person is simply disqualified since they are now living with a second wife or husband?

    The literal Greek translation was “one-woman man.” This meant a man who walks in integrity with eyes and faithfulness toward one woman and one woman only–his wife. The focus was and is moral purity. 

    My personal reasoning behind this is that scripture did allow divorce for marital unfaithfulness and for abandonment. The church must focus on Christlikeness in character, longstanding integrity and godly leadership. Why? Because leaders are to be an example to the body of Christ–ones to emulate. 

    Divorce is not God’s plan, and it will never be. With that clearly stated, we live in a fallen world and divorce is a part of it just as multiple other fallen nature things are. Redemption has come through Christ and He redeems the whole of man, not just partial aspects of mankind. We live and we walk in His redemption, through His shed blood and by receiving the forgiveness of our sin. (Ephesians 1:7)

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    Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Politics

    When Political Leaders Disappoint Us

    So many Americans (and persons from other nations) have become disappointed in their political leaders, especially in the last several decades. There has been a lot of discouragement with government figures and that goes for any side of the aisle you find yourself on. 

    And it’s not just their political decisions, but their integrity as well. There has been enough lying going around, scandalous affairs, stealing, misappropriation of funds and the like to become disillusioned with almost all politicians. It’s heartbreaking really. Who can we trust? 

    A major result of all this is voters become apathetic and stop trusting anyone who runs for office. We lose faith in their vision and in the leaders themselves. Another result is that we tend to give our favored candidates a pass or the benefit of the doubt, even when doing wrong (which we purposely fail to point out). To the opposing side, we let them have it on social media and anybody who will listen. We can be so busy tearing them apart that we don’t know how to speak words that affirm.

    Here’s a truth: wrong is still wrong and right is still right. There is no double standard. When politicians say wrong things publicly, they should be held accountable publicly. When they take wrong action, their party should hold them accountable. It is as simple as that. Instead, each party defends the wrong in their party and then accentuates the wrong they identify in the opposing side. 

    Losing faith in leadership is detrimental to the good of our or any nation.

    What do we do?

    For those of us who follow a Savior, we must get back to putting Him first. We must look to Him before we look to a politician. He is “the author and finisher of our faith.” (Hebrews 12:2) Jesus is The Leader, our leader who first cared for us. No politician can save you, only Jesus. 

    Secondly, season with salt your conversations. I frequently travel to a nation where it is illegal to criticize the government. How do believers respond to this requirement? They stick with Jesus. Our nation could use some of that wisdom. (See Colossians 4:6.)

    Third, please remember we are light because He is Light and light dispells darkness. You cannot be light and at the same time offer snarky, meanspirited, dark answers about political persons or those who support them. Let your conversation be seasoned with salt AND light. (See Matthew 5:13-16.)

    Lastly, pray for your leaders. If you pray in one breath, it is pretty difficult to criticize with the other. If you take issue with a certain position, feel free to write a letter to the appropriate person, but then pray. (See I Timothy 2:1-4; Romans 13:1.) Your critical attitude helps no one. Your prayerful attitude blesses everyone.

    Politics has become extremely divisive, but you don’t have to be!

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