Category Archives: Leadership

Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Ten Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number eight: Every Marriage Needs a Mission

God gave Adam and Eve a mission, to tend the garden together.  He gave Nehemiah a mission to rebuild destroyed and burnt walls.  He gave Peter and Paul a similar mission to two different people groups.  Jesus had a mission to fulfill from His Father and then He asked us to join Him in the great co-mission.  Wouldn’t it seem reasonable that God has a mission for every married couple?  Unfortunately, many marriages today lack a cooperative mission.  The husband is doing his thing with a teen boys Sunday school class and his wife is meeting with the woman’s missionary support team.  However, if God has called you together, He has purpose and mission in that call.  Even to operate a small business, a couple must be in agreement and flow together in a cooperative mission.

That is where Ephesians 5 comes in when it tells us to submit to one another and then for wives to submit to husbands.  That word submission in the Greek is Hupo Tasso and it means to arrange under toward a mission.  We know the prefix “sub” in the word submission means under, i.e., under the mission.  So, the question one must ask when it comes to wives submitting is: what’s the mission?  What is she submitting to?  It is certainly not every selfish wish and whim of the leader.  Let me paint a picture for you as I see it.

Every train has and is in total need of a track.  Which one is more important, the track or the train?  Neither is more important, the one fails without the other.  The train’s mission is completed by the direction and support of the track.  Mary and I first wrote our own mission statement for our marriage and family more than 15 years ago.  We have seen many areas fulfilled and have rewritten our statement numerous times, but our mission statement for our call together still exists.  We totally and fully believe that every marriage needs a mission.  Do yourselves a favor and write your marriage mission statement together as soon as you can, pray over it and review it at least annually.  When you find this agreement in couple mission, you’ll also realize agreement in many other areas of marriage.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number 3: Honor

Thirty seven years of marriage can teach you lots of things.  When we spoke our vows to one another, to God and to those who witnessed our wedding, we were young, could not see any sickness ahead or any major bumps in the road.  We went as far as to say that we would honor each other.  Honor, what an interesting word?  How does a 21-year-old comprehend honor?  Romans 12 says to honor one another above yourself.  Selfishly, I couldn’t wait to be married for all of the benefits.  In the Greek, the word for honor is, “temay” and it means to give of your time for another to be more important than you are (not quite the definition of selfishness).

In selfishness, we naturally dishonor in word and deed.  We use “put downs,” joke about our mate, neglect their needs, are lacking in affection, and want to talk rather than listen.  Further, homes that do not honor God and give Him first place will as well lack honor within the marriage relationship (see John 5:23 & 12:26).  Children will not honor their parents when honor is missing within the marriage.  Dishonor comes easily while honor comes with sacrifice of one’s self.  To honor is to serve, to speak life and encouragement.  It is to esteem and to respect.  It is to see the queen in every woman and the king in every man.  Honor focuses on the gifts and strengths and acknowledges them out loud.  Honor defends, believes in and stands guard over one’s life mate.  As you choose to give and show honor, it will change your marriage and your life.

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Number One Relationship Inhibitor

A few of years ago, I heard about a study of primary school children.  The study was centered on trying to discover the number one inhibitor to their creativity and eventually to their performance.  I was intrigued as to what these social scientists identified.  While there were many ingredients, there was one area that stood out as the number one killer of creativity and it wasn’t the loss of a parent or the family financial status.  The number one inhibitor was critical judgment.  When words of critical judgment are cast upon another human being, that person begins to suffer a creativity crisis that can lead to an identity crisis.

When a child hears these consistent words and tone of voice or nonverbal looks that say, “We never planned you; you were not wanted; you obviously don’t belong in this family,” they will begin to believe these words.  Their life will be scared and their demeanor, the look on their face or life expectations, will take on this spirit of critical judgment like a cloud hovering over them.

Do you want to “kill” your spouse and end up killing your marriage, then regularly speak words of critical judgment like, “I don’t know why I married a loser like you; of course you’re not ready on time, you never are; could you possibly be any more stupid; you are the world’s worst when it comes to directions; why can’t you get a better job?”  Or, if you want to begin a release of creativity and affirmation in your mate then try speaking words of blessing like, “You’re amazing; you work so hard; you look beautiful or handsome today; I am thrilled to be married to you; I love your hair that way.”  Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  Proverbs 12:18

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital

Deception in Marriage

Is there room for any form of deception in marriage…lying?  Can we keep some information from our life mate about ourselves, about them or about some other important issue in life?  Do all of us have secrets that no one else knows?  For what reason would we hide something from our mates?  Perhaps we feel that it would be too hurtful to them and there is nothing to be gained by them knowing.  Yes, I suppose there are times when we do not reveal all, but the process of how one makes that decision is perhaps the most important piece.  Do we withhold out of protection and love or out of deception submersed in pride and fear?

One day I was with a friend who spoke a critical word toward my wife.  I was stunned.  While he saw his observation as accurate, I knew that I would never speak these words to my wife; there would be no redemptive factor.  On the other hand, to withhold because we failed in sin is a cover-up.  The protection is of our own pride, fear, and lack of full repentance to be completely honest with our God and then our spouse (Psalm 59:12).  Where there is cover-up, mark my word, there will eventually be exposure.  At that point, the issue will be far greater in impact and devastation to your oneness.  Hosea wrote that if we would sow righteousness we would reap unfailing love and then this verse followed, “But, you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception on your own strength…” (Hosea 10: 11, 12).  If there is an ongoing deception you live with, I would encourage you to speak to God about it and then ask Him for the process of how to confess to your mate and trust Him for a deeper marriage relationship void of secrets.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Married and Friends: The Trust Factor II

The month of February has a wonderful tradition in the middle of it, Valentine’s Day. With that in mind, I thought I would set aside this month for marriage topics, or perhaps more than this month – who knows.

We have often heard that trust is built on a very thin thread.  Because relationships are the most important thing in life, trust becomes a key ingredient.  Without trust, a relationship can only go so far.  The relationship will have a very clear line of demarcation that says, “This is as far as we go until there is a deeper level of trust.”  Whether it is a work relationship, a marriage relationship or a local church relationship, building trust takes time.  When trust is broken, especially by those who we love, the hurt is deeper and taken more personally.  The fact remains, the less I have invested in a relationship, the less the hurt.

“But I thought I could trust you…” are words none of us ever desire to hear.  It means someone feels that we have failed them.  The trust factor, when connected to love in a relationship that we have spent hours or perhaps years investing in, is a huge ingredient in the future of the relationship.  In other words, sow seeds of trusting and being trustworthy today and you’ll reap the harvest of a deeper relationship tomorrow.  Said another way, if mistrust is felt or expressed today, perhaps we need to take a closer look at yesterday.

For example, if every time you go shopping you spend more money than what you and your spouse agreed upon, trust erodes with each incident.  As we recognize our weaknesses through the mistakes we make and take responsibility for them with accountability, the trust level can be rebuilt.  Like a broken bone in our body, it takes a significant time to heal.  But once it does, medical science tells us that the bone will not break there again as it welds itself back into place.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Small Groups, Training

God Has a Recession Proof Kingdom

Gravity is for real, no question, no argument.  I am always happy when my plane lands after a flight at 37,000 feet.  There is another fact that is just as real found in Galatians chapter six that says what we sow we reap.  It is as true as gravity.  In fact, that same scripture says that if we don’t believe this truth we “mock God.”  I’m pretty sure we do not want to be found doing that.  Recession makes one take a really close look at income and outgoing.  It calls for certain decisions of cut back for sure.  But does that mean we cut back in our tithe or our giving/sowing?  Only if we desire to stop reaping.  There is not a farmer on this earth that does not expect a crop from seed sown.  Should we expect any less as believers?

In my lifetime, I have discovered a direct connection between giving and sowing and my ability to trust God.  The more I trust Him, the more freedom I experience in giving.  And, the closer I come to the Source through trust, the greater the potential.  If you can be trusted with little, Luke 16: 10-12 says, then you can also be trusted with much more.  Be faithful with what God has given you to give away and watch as He then trusts you with more.  The problem comes in when we pull back, take our eyes off of His unseen world and prepare for the worst.  If we focus on fear and what we believe God hasn’t done, then we will live in discontent and thanklessness.  But, if we focus on what God has done and is doing, we will walk in contentment and thankfulness.  (Not sure who I first heard that from, but it is truth.)

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage

God Devises Ways to Reach the Estranged

It is fascinating how that God loves the estranged, the banished, the marginalized and the poor.  His heart is after the one who is not after His.  So many times we hear a story of how God directly intervened in a life that was desperate and without hope.  Personally, I love those stories because they build faith for the many persons we know who are in need of that personal encounter.

There is this fantastic scripture found in II Samuel 14:14 that says, “But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him.”  Don’t you just love that?  Can’t you see your Father in heaven “devising ways?”  Perhaps you’re a part of one of those “ways” in someone’s life today.  God just might be speaking to you or opening an encounter for you so that an estranged one is touched by Him.  This past weekend we met a couple who are praying for an estranged loved one to make his way back to the Savior.  Maybe you’re the one to encounter him?

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Encouragement, Leadership

You Are the Man

Have you ever been told…”You’re the man?”  I’ve even said that to women on occasion (with love and admiration of course).  King David had sinned and God sent a prophet to him named Nathan.  Nathan shares a story with David recorded in II Samuel 12 which is in reality a word picture of the sin that David had committed with Bathsheba and her husband, Uriah.  As the story goes, David “burned with anger” against the man Nathan was referencing in his story and even concluded that this man who did such awful things deserves to die.

And then Nathan looks squarely at the King, eye to eye and nose to nose, without hesitation or weakness in his voice and says, “You are the man!”  “David, you’re the sheep stealer, the murderer.”  Can you imagine the scene as David gets flush from the neck up, his heart pumps wildly and his ears turn red-hot with embarrassment? Nathan also gave this word from the Lord, “You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.”  Caught and nailed to the wall with front page newspaper coverage, King David.

When we get caught up into thinking that we’re the man, we are setting ourselves up for a fall.  If there are secret, sinful things in your life, listen to the Holy Spirit and deal with them today.  Expose them to the light and seek help and accountability before your sin is exposed by a loving Father and you find yourself facing your own “Nathan.”

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Encouragement, Leadership, Singles, Small Groups

God Knows Where You Live

God knows where you live.  Do you know how I know that?  He placed you there.  Look at Acts 17: 26 with me, “From one man he [God] made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.”  Not only does He know where you live, He chose the time within the course of all time when you should live.  Why did He do this?  “God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.”  (Acts 17:27)

Inescapable how God is after mankind to love and serve Him.  If God cares about where you live and when you exist on the earth, then He cares about all the details of your life.  He cares about where you work, who you marry, when you have children and what you name them.  He cares about your finances, what local church you attend and how you care for your neighbors.  He cares about what you think through the day, how much time you spend with Him in devotions and whether or not you obey the traffic laws.  And He cares about what you care about because He created you to live in these days, in the town, state and nation you reside in.  Fully and without compromise live for Him today…”For in him we live and move and have our being.”  (Acts 17: 28)

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Encouragement, Leadership

It’s a New Year and I’m in a Hurry

Welcome to 2012!  How abbreviated did 2011 seem to you?  I mean, was it a full year…12 months…365 days?  I wonder sometimes.  The faster the years, months and days go by, the faster I feel like I live life.  I can be speeding in my car and really don’t know why because I am not running late.  I can tend to always walk fast or be in a rush to finish a project I am working on at home and really do not need to feel any anxiety to complete it.  Some years ago the group Alabama wrote a song about being in a hurry and not knowing why.  I’ve copied it below for you.

I’m in a hurry to get things done Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun All I really gotta do is live and die But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why
Don’t know why I have to drive so fast My car has nothing to prove It’s not new But it’ll do zero to sixty in five point two
I’m in a hurry to get things done Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun All I really gotta do is live and die But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why
Can’t be late, I leave in plenty of time Shakin’ hands with the clock I can’t stop I’m on a roll and I’m ready to rock
I’m in a hurry to get things done Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun All I really gotta do is live and die But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why
Oh, I hear a voice That says I’m running behind Better pick up my pace It’s a race and there ain’t no room for someone in second place
I’m in a hurry to get things done Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun All I really gotta do is live and die But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

Can you identify with those words as I do?  If so, check out these words: Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.  Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything…  (Ephesians 5: 19,20)   You gotta slow down to accomplish what God encourages us to do in those verses.  Let’s determine to be more intentional in this brand new year to slow down, listen to God and speak life to others, because… we can tend to be in a hurry and not know why.

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