Category Archives: Marriage

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

The Ten Commandments of Marriage II

We’ve started a series on the ten commandments of marriage and today we consider numbers three and four.

3. Thou Shalt Love Her or Him and Make Them Holy

images-2Did you know that you could help make your spouse holy? Yep, it’s all right there in the Scripture. I Corinthians seven says that a believing spouse can sanctify an unbelieving one. You can only imagine how a believing spouse can bless, sanctify and edify their believing spouse. When we become our spouses cheer leader, even when they feel as though they are losing the game, we help build them up to increase their faith for a better future. Far too many individuals see themselves as their spouse’s critic and it is killing their emotional connection. Criticism does not motivate, love does. We are called to speak the truth in a love-filled manner with our speech full of grace. Because of who the Proverbs 31 woman was, her husband found himself sitting at the gate, a respected elder. As you reflect God to one other you will build holiness in one another.

4. Thou Shalt Play Togetherimages-3

Can you remember all the fun things you thought of and once did while dating? Are you still laughing together, really laughing? Marriage has to be fun. If it was not meant to be fun, then God would not have created it. What has happened with humor in your relationship? Where did it go since children came along or all the medical bills came due? Boredom is simply unacceptable within marriage. If we can predict a daily routine, then we have lost spontaneity and excitement. We have allowed tedium, dullness and monotony to set in. Break that cycle by bringing home flowers, sending a card to your spouse’s work place, turning the stove off and running out for Chinese or playing a game that is not too competitive. Rent one of your favorite funny movies and laugh again. Regularly search for, listen for and check the Internet for local happenings that you can attend together and have fun again. Recently, we attended a local “bridge bust” and then laughed the whole way home about how it truly was a “bust.”  Finally, make a list of fun and creative things to do together and prioritize them, you’ll never regret it.  Proverbs reminds us that a merry heart has medicinal purposes, so make fun a priority.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Starting this week, I am going to create a series of blogs that I am calling The Ten Commandments of Marriage.  I hope you enjoy them and will share them with others.images-6

1. Thou Shalt Love God Above All Else

To love your spouse, your children or yourself above God is simply wrong. Jesus said we were to love God with all of our heart, mind and soul and then love our neighbor as our self. Your closest neighbor is your spouse, but love them next to God. Did you catch that “as you love yourself” part? That means, in order to be able to love another so deeply we must be able to know the love of God for ourselves. Unless we know and fully understand that He is madly in love with us, are fulfilled in His acceptance and know His approval, we will lack in our love toward our spouse. Ephesians says it this way, “…no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” You cannot hate yourself, while at the same time, claim to love your mate. You are one.

2. Thou Shalt Not be Self-consumed or Walk in Selfish Ambition

Selfish ambition is being filled with immaturity and will kill a marriage faster than anything. Selfish ambition is defined in the Bible as acting on your own for your greater good, not walking in humility, interested only in yourself and, lastly, being filled with vain conceit (Philippians 2:3,4) We are strictly commanded to be like Christ who became a servant and even though He was God, never considered equality with God by giving up His divine privileges (NLT). Are you serving and looking for ways to serve your spouse on a daily basis? There is no 50/50 deal in marriage; it is a one hundred percent devotion to serve and care for the other first. Marriage exposes how self-centered we actually are and can either destroy our relationship or expose our need to change. Marriage is not about me or having my needs met, but rather asking God to help me partner with Him in blessing my spouse.

Standard
Encouragement, Marriage, Premarital

Celebrating 75 Years of Marriage

IMG_0229 My wife’s parents recently celebrated 75 years of marriage. It seems the long ago story was that they were asked by some friends of theirs to stand in as witnesses for an out-of-state wedding before a local Justice of the Peace. While there, Harold and Betty decided to do the same – “tie the knot.” They were the very mature ages of 19 and 17. After saying, “I do,” Harold dropped Betty off at her family home while he drove to his without mentioning a word to either of their parents. Recently, having the opportunity to sit down with them, we asked this pointed question, “What were your marriage secrets in maintaining a healthy relationship for seven and a half decades?” The following is written as they spoke it.

  1. We honored our wedding vows daily. We meant what we spoke to one another. Regardless of life circumstances, our vows were never in question.
  2. We both received into our heart Jesus as our Savior and made Him Lord of our lives early in our marriage. He made all the difference in the world for us and in raising our children.
  3. Having regular fellowship with like believers helped us and encouraged us to stay together. We were held accountable by those relationships.
  4. We felt responsible to bring up our eight children with the truth of God’s word. Now with many grandchildren, great- grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren they are our “mission field.” We pray daily for them.
  5. As we spend our days in our recliners, with our children now caring for us, we are trusting the Lord to keep us while we wait for Him to take us to our eternal home. We are ready to go home.

Thank you, Harold and Betty, for fighting the good fight, being a godly and loving example of marriage to your family and hundreds of other families. We love you!

Standard
Encouragement, Marriage

On Going to the Doctor

images-6When it comes to doctors I am typically the “wait and see” type of patient. If I have an issue, I wait and see believing that it will eventually go away. But on those rare occasions when I do have a legitimate physical problem I have discovered that I do not like the waiting rooms (where sick people live, breathe and cough all over you), the clipboards with my address and phone update requests (yes, it’s still the same), the medical smells (especially the smells), the questions (which have become more and more intrusive), the waiting a second time in the examination room (sometimes longer than the first wait), the second set of questions when the Dr. actually shows up (Really, didn’t we already cover this?). I don’t even like the phone process that you have to go through to secure an appointment (I am people, you are people, CAN I TALK TO A PERSON?). The whole thing is just…well, unnerving, expensive and upon leaving I take one big breath (as if I have been holding it for the last 63 minutes) in the parking lot while running to my car.

images-7Enter my wife, Mary, my favorite nurse who works at the very same doctor’s office. She faces all of the above with far worse patients than her husband. She faces those whose frustrations have gotten the best of them; those who refuse to be weighed for obvious reasons, those who are dying a slow death; those who really do not need to see a doctor, but their health care pays 100% for the sniffles; those who do not bathe regularly and those who have screaming, out of control kids. It is her goal to be Jesus to her patients, to share compassion with those who are hurting, each and every one of them. Her stories of serving them in a loving and selfless way are a challenge to my faith. And, every once in a long while, just maybe, one of those patients will smile back at her, thank her or say some life-giving words like, “I wish you were my nurse every time I came to the doctor.” When I am sick, I am thinking about myself and not the one caring for me. It is these times and it is these places that provide a test of my own heart, a check on my attitude.  I need to get over myself and remember that I represent Jesus as well.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital

More Ways to Love our Spouse

It seems a lot of people like receiving ideas of how to maintain our love, spontaneity and keeping boredom at bay in our marriages. So, here are a few more ideas generated from our book pre- and postmarital workbook, Called Together.images-5

 

  1. Work at being on time for one another and call if you’ll be late
  2. Make plans together, check your calendar often
  3. Ask each other’s advice with issues, drawing upon your spouse’s wisdom
  4. Discuss purchases before purchasing
  5. Be thankful and express thanks often
  6. Work on life changes, taking responsibility for your faults
  7. Share your dreams and insights with one another often
  8. Ask for creative ways that you can please one another
  9. Plan a mini-moon…just the two of you
  10. Express your attraction to one another especially when noticing a new outfit
  11. Be reasonably happy to go shopping for that new outfit
  12. Relate your work day with her/him frequently
  13. Reminisce about your early days of engagement or marriage
  14. Express appreciation for one anther’s families and parents
  15. Go for ice-cream
  16. Show appreciation when supporting each other’s decisions
  17. Buy cards and/or little gifts to say, “I love you and was thinking about you.”
  18. Remember anniversaries and birthdays
  19. Watch a TV program that your spouse enjoys together
  20. Keep active the six most important words in marriage, “I am sorry, I was wrong” and consider making it nine – “Please forgive me.”
Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Uncategorized

And Even More Ways to Love your Spouse

I hope you are generating your own ideas by now. If not, here are 20 more ways to love your spouse. (Forwarding this today as next weeks post.)

images-6

  1. Be open and cooperative when your partner desires to have sexual relations
  2. Run errands gladly
  3. Make a fuss over one another and touch frequently
  4. Never withhold the truth from each other – no secrets
  5. Go for a walk and find more alone times
  6. Stay up past your bedtime to solve issues
  7. Get up in the middle of the night to care for the children
  8. Frequently help and serve one another
  9. Establish a family budget together with a spending allowance for yourselves
  10. Do a Bible study together or read a book together
  11. Help your spouse with hospitality
  12. Take care of the children for a few hours so your spouse can have some alone time
  13. Be polite to one another
  14. Do a retreat weekend together and evaluate, as well as, setting goals for the future
  15. Develop mutual friendships
  16. Care for one another when not feeling well
  17. Do not nit-pick and find fault or expect perfection
  18. Tease and flirt with each other
  19. Watch out for and be mindful of how much time you waste, e.g., TV, personal recreation
  20. Play together
Standard
Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Uncategorized

Ways to Love our Spouse

For the next several blog posts I would like to take some time and share with you various ways that you can incorporate aspects of loving your spouse in your marriage or your marriage to be. Too often we simply walk through life and allow it to just pass us by, one day waking up to the fact that our marriage has become boring and predictable. Rarely is engagement boring and predictable and I believe marriage can continue to be spontaneous and fun. So, here you go…images-8

 

  1. Frequently tell each other that you still love one another
  2. Pray together and lead family devotions together
  3. Do some things spontaneously and zany
  4. Share household chores and get them done sooner
  5. Set a regular date night
  6. Do the “fix-it” jobs around the house, not letting them pile up
  7. Greet each other with a smile and a kiss several times a day
  8. Provide a lingering hug often
  9. Hold hands often, e.g., in the car, under the table, at churchimages-5
  10. Listen to one another without counseling one another
  11. Sit close as often as you can
  12. Rub one another’s back
  13. Take time to look good for one another and wear each other’s favorite cologne or perfume
  14. Write love notes often – send text messages and email to one another
  15. Thank one another for the mundane household tasks accomplished daily
  16. Surprise one another by serving each other in some special way
  17. Always talk about one another favorably in public and to your children
  18. Brag about one another among friends and acquaintances, letting them know how proud you are of him/her
  19. Attend fellowship together and have a church family to challenge your marriage and family
  20. Maintain your own spiritual walk with God
Standard
Marriage, Postmarital

Ways in which Wives Hurt their Husbands

nagging-wife-screamingRecently I sat with a husband and wife who are in a long-term marriage. I couldn’t help but notice how he constantly looked to her for her nonverbal approval as he spoke or how nervous he was to say things that he thought his wife may take issue with. It was painfully obvious who was silently controlling the conversation and perhaps even controlling the marriage. Last week we talked about ways a man hurts his wife. Far too often we miss speaking of the ways in which a wife may be hurting her husband. The following are some observations for the ladies and a reminder of ways to affirm that man of God in your life.

She fails to thank him for the small and the large things he does daily.

She forgets to affirm him as a man, showing him respect.

She takes his love for granted.

She fails to enter into his world and do some things with him that he would really enjoy.

She puts off the sexual needs of her husband for her own convenience.

She corrects him publicly.

She fails to pray for and with him consistently.

She tries to be his coach or mother rather than his teammate, at times forfeiting his leadership in the home.

She puts him down in front of the children.

She forgets to touch him, hold his hand and be affectionate.

She forgets to ask him how he is really doing.

She fails to tell him how handsome he is to her and why she is attracted to him.

She forgets to say, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”

She holds on to a hurt in order to make him “pay.”

She controls most conversation or interrupts him when he stumbles with his thoughts or his response.

… And the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:33b)

Standard
Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Ways in which Husbands Hurt Their Wives

IMG_0605Driving home from my office one winter day I heard the question, “When is the last time you thanked your wife for doing the laundry?” I couldn’t remember. There are those many mundane jobs that we as husband and wife accomplish on a daily basis and simply forget to be appreciative of one another’s servant heart. We each need that voice of affirmation from our spouse routinely. While it’s nice to receive a complement from a stranger, it’s far more significant to have your spouse speak or act in a way that simply blesses us. The following are examples of some of the failures that we make as husbands when we all too often take our wives for granted. See if you can identify with any of them and/or perhaps add to the list.  (The picture in this blog is Harold and Betty, my in-laws who are age 93 and 92, married for 74 years still loving Jesus and one another.)

 

 

He fails to thank his wife for all the daily mundane duties she accomplishes in the home without complaint.

He forgets to tell her how amazing and beautiful she really is to him.

He speaks more negative words than he does positive, encouraging and affirming words.

He fails to initiate praying for her and with her.

He puts her down publicly.

He doesn’t hold her hand or be affectionate with her outside times of intimacy.

He often fails to take the time to just listen to her.

He forgets to date her or date nights are too infrequent.

He puts off regular maintenance around the home or fails to help her with inside duties.

He complains about her spending rather than thanking her for spending wisely.

He speaks down to her, insinuating she is clueless.

He fails to accept her as she is without suggesting improvement.

He fails to consistently remember important calendar dates throughout the year.

He does not take responsibility and apologize for his mistakes, as well as, to be forgiving when his spouse apologizes to him.

He stops trying to win her with small gifts for no reason.

…. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:28b)

 

 

 

 

Standard
Children, Marriage

The Most Important Need of a Child

Parents spend a lifetime caring for their children, from midnight feedings and diaper changes to teaching them to drive a car. Parenting is more than a full-time job and one that never really ends. Even when your children are grown and married, parents never stop influencing or being available to help and serve. I always loved parenting, the good and the not so enjoyable seasons. We never had the “terrible twos.” We decided to have the “terrific twos.” We never expected rebellious teenage years or a time of “sowing wild oats” as some teach. Children are the natural outcome of God’s design for marriage. Watching my grandson chase bubbles or find Easter eggs now brings back a flood of fond parenting memories. To have the privilege of parenting is simply a joy and a gift from our heavenly Father.IMG_0803

Mary and I discovered the most important key in raising children and it wasn’t a new video game, bicycle, larger home, extra allowance or more stuff. We discovered along the path of child rearing the greatest need of a child. We discovered the way in which a child is most secure, happy, and well-adjusted. Was it discipline? Was it maintaining appropriate boundaries? Was it providing for them? Was it loving them? Yes, a thousand times “yes” to each and every one of these most important areas. But, even more importantly, it was when my wife and I made the time to pray for them and then taught them to pray. It was training them to look to Someone outside themselves and their parents. It was training them to depend upon the Source of life, of esteem, of security, of provision, of love and of salvation. He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. (Proverbs 14:26)

Standard