Category Archives: Marriage

Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer

Try Taking Your Marriage for a Walk

Are you finding it difficult to secure a time to really communicate with your spouse on a regular basis?  Have you been challenged to locate a prayer time together?  Are you avoiding exercising?  If your answer is “yes” to any of the above then I’ve got a solution for you?  Try taking your marriage on a walk.  Start by mapping out several courses around your neighborhood.

For example, Mary and I have our “short walk” which is a little less than a mile.  The short walk is for when it’s getting dark, we have a short window of time or it’s too cold for a longer walk.  Our next walking route is 2.8 miles.  This is the one we really aspire to do as often as possible (2-3 times a week).  And our final course is 3.2 miles.  The latter one is for those “perfect” times, i.e., the weather is right, there is plenty of time and daylight.  During these walk times we take turns openly communicating with one another and then with our heavenly Father.  All the while, we’re enjoying some needed exercise and intimacy.  Try taking your marriage for a walk this week; you’ll feel better as you connect with each other and with God.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Is it my Job to Change my Spouse?

Should it ever be your goal to change your spouse?  Most of us are married long enough to realize that my weaknesses are often my spouse’s strengths and my spouse’s weaknesses are often my strengths.  If that’s the case, why do we feel it’s necessary to make our spouse like us?  The truth is, you are in a partnership with your heavenly Father to bring a revelation of His love to your spouse.  It is that love that will actually bring about the necessary changes.   Have you ever heard someone say, “I just loved him through it?”   That phrase is both a confession (I can’t change him so I simply chose to love him.) and an action statement (To love is never a form of inaction.).

We marry because we love, but then we begin to realize a love deficit in our life or the life of our spouse.  An unhealthy remedy for this deficit becomes crossing the line into trying to change our spouse in an effort to receive more love.  If you are making frequent demands of your spouse – you have a love deficit.  If you are constantly pushing your spouse to change something – you have a love deficit.  If you find yourself frequently comparing your spouse with others – you have a love deficit.  If you find yourself angry with your spouse a lot of the time – you have a love deficit.  And if your spouse feels as though they cannot please you – you have a love deficit.  Take a moment to ask your heavenly Father for a revelation of His love and seek first His kingdom, as He will add these things (love) to you. (Matthew 6:33)

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Leadership, Marriage

Sacrificing Your Marriage and Family for Jesus

My wife and I were happy to be traveling north for the weekend, anticipating a couples’ retreat with complete strangers.  We love the opportunity to meet new people and stay with local church leaders that we have never met and learn from them.  What we “learned” was less than hoped for.  As we sat with this leadership couple they began to take advantage of these “outsiders” and opened up to us about their marriage.  What they revealed was jaw dropping.

It seems that as a pastor his primary goal was to be a “success.”  Success to him was a large church and to grow a large church, he believed, would mean sacrificing his marriage and his family.  “After all,” he reasoned, “Jesus wants us to put Him first and if sacrificing your family to serve Jesus is what one must do to be a successful pastor, then so be it.”  What was left after thirty some years was a broken wife and distant adult children who had no relationship with their dad or their dad’s God.  This leadership couple was now totally separated emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.  His wife hated her husband’s mistress, the church, and decided she would no longer be a pastor’s wife but a schoolteacher.  They were divorced in every sense of the word, living single under the same roof.  ”He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey with proper respect.  If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church.”  (I Timothy 3: 4,5)  In this New Year, take the time to clearly hear from Jesus what He has called you to sacrifice; your spouse and your children are not one of them.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Silence is Not Always Golden

James tells us that the tongue can be a fire.  He says it can corrupt our whole person.  The tongue can praise or it can curse.   But there is something else it can do – it can be silent.  There are times in marriage when silence is as wrong as speaking curse-filled words.  It is evil when we are avoiding speaking good toward another or we are avoiding communication altogether, causing our spouse to suffer through the awkwardness of silence.   You know in your heart if your silence is meant to be malicious.  It is one thing to retreat and not speak so that healing can take place, but it is another when we selfishly refuse to speak.

I discovered during my pre-engagement years with Mary that she was a communicator; she loved to talk and relate to people.  I, on the other hand, would rather let others do the talking.  After marriage in my immaturity and my selfishness, I discovered that I could use silence to hurt her if I felt wronged.   I knew Mary needed me to talk and if I didn’t respond it would frustrate her.  To grow up and change I had to study her and enter into her world of communication.  I had to discover her frame of reference.  I had to receive the revelation that my silence was selfish manipulation and not godly leadership.  Today we have found that balance of talking and listening and honoring one another in our differences.  And today, at times, I might use as many words as she does.

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak

We are told that we can speak 125 – 150 words a minute, but typically we think around 300 words a minute.  Those numbers themselves provide an inward conflict with the act of listening.  High school and college campus’s run courses on public speaking, but when is the last time you had the opportunity to sign up for a public listening course?  Most of us want to talk and be listened to rather than take the concentration needed to stop and really hear someone.  I heard someone say recently that hearing is a function of the ear, but listening is a function of your will.

When we listen we are exercising an expression of love.  We are saying this person is important enough to me to be listened to.  Proverbs has a way of cutting to the chase when it says, “ He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”  (Proverbs 18:13)  If we are constantly interrupting our spouse in order to interject our “important” thought, we have stopped listening and are thinking about our reply.  Do you realize people pay counselors $150.00 and more for fifty minutes of their time and feel better when leaving their office?  Some even fall in love with their therapist just because they feel validated and cared for.  What was the therapist’s secret?  He/she listened.  James admonished us to be quick to listen and slow to speak…pretty good advice for 2013.  Try it; you’ll be amazed at the results.

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Encouragement, Marriage

Happily, I am Married to a Christmasaholic

Do you remember anxiously anticipating marriage so much that you prayed for the Lord to delay His return until you had the chance to find your true love and tie the knot?  You knew marriage was a great plan from God and you couldn’t wait for the opportunity, even if you felt totally selfish or guilty.  Now I always enjoyed Christmas while growing up, the lights, the decorations, the Christmas Eve service at our church and of course the gifts.  However, marriage, having a way to make all things better, has increased my joy and anticipation of this wonderful celebration due to the fact that I married a Christmasaholic.  I’ll prove it.

For Mary, purchasing gifts begins almost a full 12 months earlier at the post Christmas sales (even if she can’t find some of those gifts when the next Christmas rolls around).  It’s pretty normal for me to start hearing Christmas music played from the kitchen around the end of September.   By October, one of our bedrooms becomes commandeered as the official “Christmas room” with every square inch covered in boxes, bags, ribbon, bows and wrapping paper.   In November, fall decorations disappear to make room for Christmas…stuff.  In December, the tree is decorated and the outside lights make their debut including my favorite, the Moravian star.  Fortunate for my wife and unfortunate for others, Hallmark begins showing nightly (or what seems like every two hours) those, all too similar, B-rated movies with those D-rated actors.  Finally, Christmas flowers are blooming and cookies are baking.  Yep, that’s the gal I married and I love it because Christmas has become even more anticipated, fun and joyous.  And why not, having Jesus come from heaven to earth should be an over the top celebration.  And to add to the excitement of Christmas 2012, this morning at 8:01 AM, December 17th, Roman Philip was born to our son Marc and daughter-in-law Danielle.  A very merry Christmas to the Prokopchak family!

(Thanks to all who have followed or who read this blog on a regular basis.  It’s been a great year and I appreciate you listening.  I hope in some small way something said has been a help to you.  Have a wonderful Christmas.  I look forward to getting back at this early in the New Year.)

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

Are We Really That Old?

Last evening we had a wonderful family time celebrating our younger son’s birthday.  He’ll soon be 32 years old and will any day now be a father himself.  I asked my wife, Mary, “Are we really that old?”  Could we be old enough and be married long enough to have a son his age?  She assured me without hesitation that we are, but then quickly added, “…but, how blessed we are as well.”  I couldn’t agree more.  If we get our eyes on our failing bodies, our forgetful minds or our lack of retirement funds, we can quickly become restless, worried or even discontent.

Thirty seven and a half years ago, one man and one woman said, “I do.”  It was a hot, sweaty day with no air conditioning in the church building where we were married.  The service was long and the intense heat made it seem even longer.  One man called to one woman would produce thee amazing children who will produce children through the creative act of God called marriage.  “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him,” was God’s observation.  The Lord anesthetized Adam, took one of his ribs and fashioned a woman called Eve.  When Adam awoke he saw that which was created just for him and he exclaimed, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…”  And God said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Be Your Spouse’s Cheerleader (for women only)

Most men enjoy some type of sporting event and at most any level of competition, men appreciate cheerleaders.  Cheerleaders cheer on even if the score is totally lopsided in the opponents favor.  Cheerleaders keep the crowd aroused in favor of their team.  Cheerleaders never have a negative remark in their cheers unless it’s meant for the opposition.  Cheerleaders are not critical of the team they represent.  Cheerleaders are dedicated and stick with their team even when it’s a losing season.  Finally, most cheerleaders are female.  Men simply love women cheering them on.  A man can be involved in the most mundane and boring task, but if his wife offers a word of encouragement and praise for a job well done, that boring task takes on a whole new meaning and his attitude can change immediately .

The Proverbs 31 woman operated in this manner.  Her husband has full confidence in her.  Why?  Verse 12 says that she brings him good, not harm for all her days (she was his cheerleader).  In verse 23 the scripture states that her husband is a respected elder and sits at the city gate (she made him look good by speaking good of him).  Proverbs 31 directly infers that because of his wife he is at the gate of leadership, respected by his community.  While at this gate, not only do her children sing her praises, her husband blesses and praises her (v. 28).  She has sown those seeds and now she is reaping praise in return.  Ladies, be your husband’s cheerleader and not just  their critic.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Three Reality Questions in Marriage (continued)

 

Our last question in this series is: Do you have the mentality of an owner or a renter in marriage?  I was talking to a friend who is a landlord.  One of his tenants wanted a screen door placed on the back door entrance.  He told them, “sure.”  He went to the store, purchased a screen door, installed it and then placed the cost on the renter’s next month rent.  Of course the renter had a fit and blew up at his landlord saying, “It’s not my property; it’s your door and it’s a permanent improvement to your property, I am not paying for it!”  In other words, I want it, I request it, but I’m not paying for it.  It’s a renter’s mentality. A renter does what’s best for himself, not the owner.

Since the flood last year, I have had a nagging issue with a finished back basement wall in my house that gets damp.  We have torn it apart and rebuilt it only to have moisture show up again.  We have now torn it apart a second time.  I am the owner, I will do whatever it takes and spend whatever money it takes to make that wall dry again.  It’s an owner’s mentality.  An owner does what’s best for the property at their own cost and sacrifice.  Too many couples are renters today – they’re out the back door while owing three months rent.  They damage each other and really do not care, they have no long-term commitment.  They’ll walk by the weeds everyday and not bend over to pull them.  They have little investment and do not think in terms of making an investment in the marriage.  Marriage is designed by God for owners to become holy.  We start with a romantic love attraction and build to a committed love; then move to a maturing love in order to eventually reach a best friend love.

Owners invest their own sweat equity, their life savings and their day-to-day care to repair, clean and manage their property.  Why?  It’s a lifetime investment.  It’s an asset, not a liability.  An owner is driven by their heart.  As an owner, you desire an increase in value over time.  An owner looks like an owner, walks like an owner and talks like an owner.  Question: Do you take ownership for being healed and bringing healing to your marriage?  Are you in your marriage for the lifetime investment and have a passion for an increase in value?  If you answer “yes” to these questions, then you are taking ownership and growing an asset.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Three Reality Questions in Marriage (continued)

Question number two is: Do you realize there is no perfect marriage?  Only one relationship on this earth started out perfectly: Adam and Eve.  Their world was perfect, their jobs were perfect and their walk with God was amazing and daily.  Adam and Eve chose to walk away from perfection and by the second generation one of their children committed murder.  Marriage is not Christian; it’s a creation act of God predating our Christian faith.  Adam recognized his need for a partner after naming the animals just as God recognized Adam’s aloneness.  He put Adam to sleep, anesthetized him and created Eve from his side.  A life mate, a helper, a woman was God’s idea and would form the basis of our society – one man with one woman.  Marriage is not perfect because two individuals with lots of brokenness and needs say “I do” out of attraction, love and “similarity.”  Within 30 days this very commitment begins to be tested and we quickly discover we married someone unlike us!

It is God’s story to begin to hold us together through our differences.  You see, my wife, Mary, is what I am not and I am what Mary is not, but together we make an amazing and whole team.  Ephesians 5: 25-27 says that, as men, we are called to love our wife as Christ lives His church.  We are not Jesus, but we are His representative.  Men, we are our wives healer; we are to reflect Christ to her.  Your wife is worth Christ’s death on the cross for her.  Your husband is worth the beating and bruising your Lord took for him.  Behind discord, wrong motives, insecurity and marriage failure is unrepentant sin.  To love your spouse is to give your life and your love to them to the point that you bring healing to insecurity, rejection, low esteem, self-hate, etc.

There is no perfect marriage, because there is no perfect spouse.  However, the longer we are married, the more settled we become, the more healed we become as an individual and the more healing we bring to one another.

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