Category Archives: Marriage

Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Training, Women

The Surprising Changes in the Beliefs and Boundaries of Marriage Today (Part 2)

What’s faith have to do with marriage stability?

Young men and women with an active faith in God and His word, the Bible, are long-term men and women who take saying “I do” seriously. They share similar moral beliefs and deeply held values. They possess a higher commitment to sexual fidelity. And those who regularly attend church have about a 40% less likely chance of divorcing. (See this Harvard study.)

Marrying when young often means less relationship baggage primarily because there are less exes. Maturity in a relationship is not measured in chronological age. Maturity is measured in one’s ability to think of their spouse or future spouse first and not themselves. 

Cohabitation is precarious, uncertain and shaky because it undermines the quality of your marriage commitment. While marrying Corrine, you may find yourself thinking about your years with Heather and then comparing your new wife’s sexual responses to Bekah’s. It will increase the instability of your marriage foundation. Cohabitation is pretending to be married with a widely open back door. There is no need for commitment in sickness and in health; there are no vows spoken to one another and to God. There are no community of believers helping you to remain committed to each other without the bond of a legalized marriage.

And then this

In a Wall Street Journal article dated Saturday, February 5, 2022 Lyman Stone and Brad Wilcox wrote, “[In surveying] 50,000 women in the U.S. governments National Survey of Family Growth, we found that there is a group of women for whom marriage before 30 is not risky: women who married directly, without ever cohabitating prior to marriage. In fact, women who married between 22 and 30, without first living together, had some of the lowest rates of divorce in the National Survey of Family Growth.” Now that says something which majorly contradicts the former conventional wisdom of trying it to see if you like it.

One of the reasons couples are marrying later today is hope against hope that they will not encounter divorce. They are vying for a lower risk rate. But along the way as they give themselves freely to various sexual partners and/or cohabitate they are actually decreasing their chances of marriage without experiencing divorce. Research is now growing and concluding that to cohabitate prior to marriage and to experience multiple sexual partners, couples are less likely to be happily married. The pretest thought simply does not work. 

It has been God’s word of truth

The word of God has revealed this truth for centuries. Social science is now only catching up to the truth written in the Bible about relationships and marriage. God’s word is more current when it comes to marriage and pre-marriage than tomorrow’s scientific study found within academia. 

For example, did you know that sexual pleasure between husband and wife was God’s idea? Solomon wrote these inspired words, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer–may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” (Proverbs 5:18, 19) 

Paul the Apostle wrote:

But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (I Corinthians 7:2-5)

God is not embarrassed by sexual intimacy, He is not a prude or naïve when it comes to His wonderful gift, but He did place very strict, very safe and very loving boundaries around it. Paul also clearly warned us when he wrote, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” (I Corinthians 6:12)

Sexual pleasure is God’s intent for marriage and procreation is not the only purpose of sex, but sexual fulfillment within marriage is a process, a learned experience. 

Concluding with married sex is better sex

Married couples have better sex for numerous reasons. They are committed to one another. They desire to please one another and give versus taking to meet a need. Intimacy is not filled with lust, but rather love. The married partners are monogamous. Sex within marriage is the safest sex. It is sex without worry, without thought of being caught, without fear of disobeying God’s command and sex within marriage is the best sex because you know the desires of your life mate. 

For all of these reasons and more we can conclude that God was right all along. His written word and His commands were all for our good and our pleasure. Boundaries are an important part of life and so it is also true of sexual boundaries. May you find this truth for yourself and then experience the pure joy of obedience and God’s gift to you.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Training, Women

The Surprising Changes in the Beliefs and Boundaries of Marriage Today (Part 1)

In my many years of studying, researching, writing, interviewing and counseling in the pre- and postmarital realm, I had little hope I would see secular research come to agree with so many of my findings and beliefs. But the proof just keeps showing up in article after article.

My belief, without waver, is that premarital experiences directly relate to our marriages and that pre-marriage sexual experiences harm the marital experiences of life as a married couple. In the recent past the typical sequence to marriage went something like this: dating, sex, cohabitation, maybe children and then marriage.

Sex and cohabitation before marriage

Psychologist Galena Rhoades PhD and Scott Stanley in an online article titled Before “I Do,” What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults, now questions this contemporary view of how family life begins in our society. She believes that every serious relationship has certain milestones, like the first kiss to actually coming to a definition of where the relationship is going. She unequivocally states that about 90% of couples are sexual before marriage according to one study (Diner, 2007). She also states that most couples live together before marriage (Copen, Daniels, and Mosher, 2013).

But then she writes this, “Many of them have sex with multiple partners before finding the person they will eventually marry. Do premarital sexual relationships relate to later marital quality? Yes and no. It depends on who you are having sex with. Men and women who only slept with their (future) spouse prior to marriage reported higher marital quality than those who had other sexual partners as well. This doesn’t mean that sex before marriage will doom a marriage, but sex with many different partners may be risky if you’re looking for a high-quality marriage.” 

Dr. Rhoades makes this eye-opening conclusion, “We generally think that having more experience is better [in life] but what we find for relationships is just the opposite.”

Multiple experiences with multiple partners sexually is now actually linked to marriages that are worse off and that having a long history with cohabitating may actually cause you to devalue your spouse. 

Marrying young

Brad Wilcox, a director of the National Marriage Project and Professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia wrote an article on how marrying young (by young I mean early 20’s) and without cohabitating “seems merited.” He wrote, “Our analyses indicate that religious men and women who married in their twenties without cohabitating first–have the lowest odds of divorce in America today.” Read that last sentence again, please.

What is it that the author of this study suspected as to why the success rate? “We suspect one advantage the religious singles in their twenties have over the secular peers is that they are more likely to have access to a pool of men and women who are ready to tie the knot and share their vision of a family-focused life.”

It has been believed and practiced for decades that a college education with a lot of dating, partying, fun, one-night stands and living together and then finally career all came first before settling down with a commitment to marriage. The statistic of living together (70%) before marriage is scary high. But Professor Wilcox wrote this, “But the conventional wisdom here is wrong: Americans who cohabit before marriage are less likely to be happily married and more likely to break up.” In fact, he says that couples who do cohabitate have a 15% more likely chance of divorce than those who do not.

Milestones in dating and pre-marriage days in a couple’s life means something because decisions mean something. We can remember when our spouse first spoke the words, “I love you.” We can recall where we were when we became engaged. We either loved or endured premarital counseling, but it was another milestone, a decision we made for us and our success in marriage. 

Fifty years of marriage 

Over 50 years ago my wife and I abstained sexually out of total love, commitment and respect for one another–keeping for marriage what belongs only to marriage. We did not cohabitate because we knew this one act reduces the chances of a healthy lifelong marriage. We had a large wedding because we wanted others to celebrate with us, hold us accountable and enter into our joy of oneness. We went on a two-week honeymoon dropping out of life as we knew it to simply work on becoming one. We did not know one another intimately (sexually) prior to marriage, but we discovered the joy of purity meeting purity night after night.

It was not a college education, financial security, sexual experiences or age that helped to create these milestones, it was love for God and a desire to obey His truth. We were married in our early twenties and we continue to celebrate milestones in our marriage. We are celebrating the milestone of half a century of marriage throughout this year and we are thankful for a godly foundation.

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Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Singles, Women

Daughter Emails Her Dad About Her E-Marriage

Daughter’s email to her Father: “I’m coming home to get married. I am in love with a man who lives many miles away from me, but as you know that is not an issue in today’s electronic World Wide Web world. Living in Australia has simply not been a problem all the while he lives in Scotland. We met on eHarmony, almost immediately became friends on Facebook and have had long text chats on WhatsApp. Recently he proposed to me on Zoom and now we’ve had two months of relationship building through Face Time calls, as well as, many, many tweets on X. I will forward to you the link from my Drop Box account so you can view our photos and wedding plans. All that being said, Dad, I’m asking for your blessing and financial help as we’re planning a rather large wedding. 


Lots of love, Lilly 
 


Father’s reply: Dearest Lilly, wow! I’d suggest you two get married on Skype, use iTunes or Pandora for your music, book your honeymoon on Tripadvisor and check Yelp for things to do.  Later, I recommend you find a home or apartment on Craig’s List or Zillow, find design ideas for your apartment on Pinterest, furnish it through Amazon and Etsy and pay for it all by yourselves through Paypal and/or Zelle. And, if you ever get fed up with your electronically found Internet husband, sell him on Poshmark, Marketplace or auction him off on Ebay.

Good luck and lots of love, Dad

PS Send your mother and I the YouTube video of the ceremony.

Author unknown

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

50 Years of Marriage! We Did It!!

We were just kids, as they say. Mary was fresh out of nursing school, and I was in the military during the Vietnam war. We had a small two-bedroom apartment and worked different shifts the first two years following our wedding vows. 

Learning each other’s nuances, family cultures, likes and dislikes was fascinating. With virtually no premarital counseling we were finally married and living on our own five hours south of our families. 

While we had been in semiserious relationships prior to ours, we were virgins, having saved the best of ourselves for one another. It was heaven on earth as we discovered new things about each other, learning to cook, and all things that go into making a newly formed family. 

Our first apartment.

Following those two years we set out to serve as missionaries to adjudicated teenage boys and did so for eight years – not heaven on earth. This mission tested everything we knew in life, marriage and the pursuit of happiness. It was tough believing for our needs, not fighting over who spent the last dollar and living in a facility with other staff members and the delinquents themselves. Through lots of trials and pain we grew stronger in our faith, our resolve, and our marriage.

So here we are at 50 years. How does a couple keep it together that long? How does a marriage make it through severe losses, great financial needs, disagreements, differing financial values, and (one of the most challenging) raising children into adulthood? Let us (my bride helped with this part) take a stab at answering that question.

  1. Choose your battles wisely. You just can’t agree on everything, but that does not mean you live disagreeably. Face the fact, even though you are one, you are two different individuals who see things differently. That is not a negative, it is something to be valued. Seeing things differently helps each of us to see what we’re not seeing. And that makes for a better team. 
  2. Speaking of team, work together at serving and honoring each other. How can you out serve and out honor your mate? Also important, honor one another’s extended families.
  3. Keep dating a priority. Never stop prioritizing fun, weekends away, rest and laughter.
  4. Know why you are called together. Know your marriage mission, write it down and keep updating it year after year. It is the “why” of your marriage relationship.
  5. Pray and worship together. Nothing is more intimate, connecting, or communicative than praying together. You will hear each other’s hearts and know one another’s deepest needs and desires. Worshiping together includes having a home church; one in which you are both comfortable in and are fed spiritually nourishing food. It’s a place where you can serve and be served by a godly family who cares about you, your marriage and your family. 

Proverbs 31 reminds us, “A wife of noble character who can find?   She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” 

We have lacked nothing of value these past 50 years. There is no greater, no deeper love than our heavenly Father’s and that love enables us to love and cherish each other through every day, every month and every year.

Reaching this milestone has made every mile we have traveled, every faith step we have taken, and every prayer we have prayed worth it. If we can make it, so can you.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Women

Advice Giving for Dad’s at Weddings

Having been the father of the groom, I have learned some things. 

First, father of the groom is a much easier role; there is little to nothing to do but enjoy the day. Perhaps the biggest deal was arriving on time. But I am not a very willing nonparticipant. I don’t mind a job or two. Well, not ordering the flowers, mind you, but there are things like:

My son had bacon wrapped scallops at his wedding reception. I instructed our server that when she came to the dining room floor from the kitchen with fresh, hot scallops, she was to immediately find me, the father of the groom. I do love bacon wrapped scallops. 

Then there’s the meeting new people to find out who they are and how they know the bride or my son. This job was specifically to be sure there were no wedding crashers showing up for a free meal or an easy date. I also enjoyed keeping the smaller ones away from the icing on the cupcakes. Who wants a cupcake with a dirty, little finger run through it? 

For your son’s one friend who started celebrating before the wedding and continues to do so during the reception…show him the door or order an Uber. You’ll do everyone a favor. 

Lastly, but certainly not least, was the dance with my new daughter-in-law. It is my one moment to speak directly into her ear and provide a calm, but stern warning that if she ever does anything to hurt or harm my son…or if my son ever…you have my permission to…. You can finish those sentences how you see fit. 

Father of the groom, take your role and responsibilities seriously. Someone has to do the hard stuff.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital, Training, Women

Building Intimacy Through Couple Prayer

Too often Christian couples are not praying together outside of a prayer before their meal. Many leadership couples are not praying together consistently. Some couples tend to focus on the barriers of prayer rather than prayer itself. Barriers like, “We’re too busy; our children’s needs come first; we’re too tired; I am waiting on my spouse to initiate prayer,” etc.

Besides speaking to God, just what does prayer in our marriage accomplish?

  • A spiritual intimacy that is greater than sexual intimacy
  • Love
  • Faith
  • Thankfulness
  • Appreciation
  • Protection/covering
  • Honesty
  • Friendship
  • Communication
  • Unity
  • Agreement
  • Openness/vulnerability
  • Heart connections
  • Healing

To take it to an even deeper level, praying with our spouse can reduce:

  • Stress/tension
  • Frustration/anger
  • Disagreement as we agree in prayer
  • Personal judgements as we hear each other’s heart

Prayer with our marriage partner fulfills the scripture found in Matthew 18:19, “If any two will agree in prayer it will be done…” Couple prayer increases two walking together in agreement – “How shall two walk together unless they agree to do so.” (Amos 3:3)

What are some reasons that couples are not engaging in prayer together? Here are a few:

  • They do not know how to pray or how to pray together.
  • It’s just too intimate.
  • It’s too risky – putting our hearts out there or exposing our greatest needs.
  • Feeling inadequate or awkward in prayer.
  • Unwilling to take or make sufficient time.  
  • Trust/mistrust – what will my spouse do with the information I share in prayer?
  • Fear of exposure.

Honestly, how can we walk together without prayer in our lives? How can we grow in intimacy without engaging in spiritual intimacy first? Start by taking five minutes (once a day or once a week) to give God thanks and then laying your requests at His alter. It will change you and it will radically change your marriage!

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A Message to the Newly Married or the Soon to Be Married

In another two months my wife and I will be married for 50 years. I hope that counts for something. 

When we look back, it’s easy to identify multiple mistakes that we made. It’s as well, easy to identify those decisions that worked. Taking responsibility for our decisions and their outcome is a major step toward maturity in a marriage relationship. Good decisions reap good outcomes and bad decisions reap a consequence that we both must own and then grow from. 

So, those thoughts lead me to pen some advice from an older married couple. Here goes:

  • Stay away from major discussions or decisions if you’re hungry or tired.
  • Treat your spouse the way you desire to be treated. (Luke 6:31)
  • Place your spouse ahead of yourself (Philippians 2:3-4).
  • Never leave or return home without finding each other and sharing a kiss and an “I love you.”
  • Make each other laugh. Have fun. (Proverbs 17:22)
  • Your most intimate connection is praying together (Matthew 18:19).
  • Do not look for 100% agreement in everything. Accept that you will always enjoy some personal differences. They’ll make you a better team.
  • Realize that agreement is greater than disagreement (Amos 3:3).
  • Conflict is inevitable and part of a close relationship. Conflict is not wrong, however; conflict without compromise and then finding a resolve is wrong.
  • Build a livable, agreeable budget and stick to it.  
  • Always have a short-term savings and a long-term savings.
  • Do your best to stay out of debt (Proverbs 22:7).
  • Never maintain a credit card balance (Psalms 37:21).
  • Give one another a monthly spending allowance.
  • Doing without lots of things can save your marriage.
  • Hold hands…a lot.
  • Write love notes and send cards in the mail to one another.
  • Bring home surprises for each another.
  • Date your spouse and when children arrive, date your children.
  • Check your pockets before putting your clothes in the wash.
  • Men, put the toilet seat down.
  • Divide cleaning responsibilities along with other household duties.
  • Take lots of time to talk and enjoy conversation.
  • Keep the TV and other devices out of or turned off in your bedroom.
  • Make your bedroom a special place where you end your day and then begin your day together.
  • No kids in your bedroom.
  • Remember that romance is not over once you’re married; it just began.
  • Always have at least one meal together every day, two if possible.
  • Keep complaining to a minimum; keep praise to a maximum.
  • Sit on the porch or deck together. No porch/deck? Build one.
  • Learn the skill of listening, not just talking.
  • Always construct in private.
  • When children arrive, remember they will be one of your most important contributions to your world; so treat them with love, respect, provide life-giving correction and don’t give them to someone else to raise.

There are more, but that’s for another time. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, History, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Training, Women

Is Marriage Christian?

Marriage is not Christian, per se; it is a creation act of God.  Marriage was His idea from the beginning, as the cultures and religions of the world marry.  But the evil one has provided numerous counterfeits for marriage, e.g., cohabitation, numerous ongoing sexual partners, dating with an ongoing emphasis of breaking up and hurting others.  Keep in mind, there can only be a counterfeit if there is a real. You and I were created for a very real relationship with God and others and yet it seems to be relationships that we struggle with the most.  

Ninety three percent of Americans rate having a happy marriage as one of the most important objectives in life.  In 1992, the number one aspiration of high schoolers was having a good marriage and family life.  College students today are desperate to have only one marriage.  Over 70% of adult Americans believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment that should not be ended unless under extreme circumstances.  Get this: 85% of divorced and separated persons still believe that marriage is for life.  

Then why is cohabitation so prevalent today?  There is no legal or social pressure today against cohabitation.  The latest census figures show four million couples (men and women and not same-sex couples) are living together.  That is 8 times as many couples as in 1970.  The slide started with less moral prohibition against premarital sex in our culture, which opened the door to living together unmarried.  The more culture practices the abnormal, the more normal it becomes, e.g., abortion, divorce, cohabitation, etc. Cohabitation is popular with the loss of the negative stigma, the lack of commitment, the lack of well-defined responsibilities and authority and it provides the idea of an easy exit when it does not work out.

But the human heart craves security, commitment and a marriage enforced by love and the law, as well as social custom.  We want and need love and a vow spoken to commitment is the strongest contract we have…called a covenant in the scriptures.  Covenant is stronger than contract.  Contracts are written to be broken.  Covenant, if broken under Old Testament law, was certain death.  Marriage is not the end of freedom; it is the beginning of freedom to join our hearts and sprits together to fulfill God’s mission together in becoming one.  It is not about loss of freedom in any form, but about gaining a partner to support and be supported, to trust and be trusted, to provoke to growth and to give life to family.

Marriage changes life, behavior, social standing, expectations, relationships, and even tax forms.  It is making decisions jointly and growing as a long-term team.  Marriage is like long-term care insurance.  It promises to remain strong in sickness and in health.  It is a partnership to protect, to share equally, to serve, to provide for the needs of one another without selfish demand.  

(Thanks to the book, A Case for Marriage, by Linda Waite; Maggie Gallagher for the above statistics.)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Singles, Women

Is Marriage as God Planned it Taking a Backseat to Pleasure? (A truth-filled Valentine’s message.)

A study was done by two sociologists named Renerus and Uecker.  They found that three-fourths of 18–23-year-old woman are in dating relationships of some kind – and 94% of those are sexually active.  They also found that these girls who were sexually active with multiple sex partners were about 11 times more likely than virgins to experience elevated depression symptoms.  They found men are typically in control of when the dating relationship begins, but women are in control of when sex begins, and it often begins earlier than they want.

Women today are the losers, especially if they desire to remain as virgins until they marry.  They are put into a bind in their pursuit of a lifelong relationship and feel pressured to “take what they can get” as they watch the pool of available men shrink around them.  Men, however, are unlikely to marry in their 20’s apart from a belief that they are called to marriage and fatherhood.  Their decision to delay makes sense from a sexual perspective: they can access sex relatively easily outside of marriage and face few social pressures to be any different.  They can also choose the option of cohabitation.

The Destruction of God’s Institution Called Marriage

What is all of this doing in our culture?  It is little by little eating away at the sanctity of marriage as God created it.  It is little by little replacing God’s design with a careless and convenient counterfeit.  And it is little by little destroying the moral fabric of our society.   

But it’s different for Christian young people, right?  Unfortunately, not so much, as we continue to see a moral slide there as well.  Young people are compromising God’s standard every day.  I think the number one factor is they do not know God’s word; they are biblically illiterate. They are not reading His word and making His boundaries their boundaries. They are listening more to their flesh, their peers, viewing lots of sexual images through media and Hollywood than they are listening to their pastor or spiritual mentor.  Scripture is very clear when it comes to sexual behavior outside of marriage and yet the message today seems to be “relax…God is relaxed.”  

An expert in the law once asked Jesus the question, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?”  Jesus responded by asking him, “What is written in the Law?  How do you read it?”  The man said that one was to love God with all his heart and love one’s neighbor as oneself.  Jesus then told him, “You have answered correctly…do this and you will live” (Luke 10:25-28).  Was Jesus actually affirming the teaching of the law?  Yes, He was, not as a means of gaining God’s approval or love, but as a means of identifying our sinfulness.

The sins of the Old Testament are the sins in the New Testament: we are not to have or worship any other gods; we are not to worship any type of idol; we are not to use the Name of our God in any unholy way; we are to remember the Sabbath and keep it a holy day; we are to honor our parents, not murder, not commit adultery, not steal, not lie and not covet what others have.  While there were many Jewish traditions (dietary restrictions, for example), for our discussion, we are looking at the Ten Commandments rather than the intricacies of rituals, i.e., dress, food, ceremonial washings, etc.  Is murder still wrong?  Is stealing still wrong?  Is adultery still wrong?  We can still go to jail for most of these sins in our society.  We must identify and accept our sinfulness to be healed from it.

Our justification does not come through the law; it comes through Christ (Romans 5:1).  The law cannot save us; it is by faith and through grace that we are saved (Ephesians 2:5, 8).  However, what we must understand and what is rarely taught today is that “where there is no law there is no transgression” (Romans 4:15).

What Exactly Were Those Boundaries?

The scriptures forbid sex with close relatives, including your mother, your father’s wife, your sibling, your daughter- or son-in-law, your aunt, and your brother- or sister-in-law.  Scripture also forbids having sexual intercourse with your neighbor’s wife or animals.  Finally, the scriptures say that a man is not to have sex with another man “as one lies with a woman” (Leviticus 18:6-22).  God ends this chapter with a stern warning: “Everyone who does any of these detestable things – such persons must be cut off from their people.  Keep my requirements and do not follow any of the detestable customs that were practiced before you came and do not defile yourselves with them.  I am the Lord your God” (Leviticus 18:29-30).

Chapter 20 of Leviticus discusses the punishment for such sin and reinforces that we need to consecrate ourselves to be holy because God is holy.  Additionally in this chapter, God warns about committing adultery with your neighbor, sleeping with your daughter-in-law, sex with animals, sexual relations with your siblings, your aunt, your brother’s wife, and again, “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable” (Leviticus 20:7-21). Under the Old Covenant law, the penalty for most of these sexual infractions was death. 

Jesus Takes It Further than the Law

The Law of Moses was certainly very strict.  However, in Matthew 5, Jesus also addresses several issues, taking them beyond the Old Testament law.  He reminded His listeners that the law said to not murder, but then He added, “Anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment” (verse 22).  He also affirmed that the law requires that no one commit adultery.  Jesus takes this law further by saying, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (verse 28).  Under the law, death was the requisite punishment for the act of adultery.  Under grace, Jesus speaks an even higher standard of purity by stating that we can commit adultery in our heart, and it is just as unlawful as the act itself.

A Better Way

God has a better plan.  He has our best interests in mind.  In the Old Testament, one of the priests’ areas of responsibility was to “teach [the] people the difference between the holy and the common and show them how to distinguish between the unclean and the clean” (Ezekiel 44:23).  It seems that ever since the fall of man recorded in Genesis 3, we think we have a better way than God and are out to prove Him wrong, except that we keep getting deeper and deeper into trouble.  We bend the rules further and further away from His moral code, and daily we suffer the consequences of those selfish choices.

Sexual brokenness is a worldwide epidemic, with human sex trafficking as the newest form of slavery to plague our world.  Our insatiable desire for “sexual freedom” has led us right back to slavery in order to feed our base desires.  How much more wicked can our world become than to take fellow human beings, sell them into the sex trade, and then discard them as though they were worthless?  The heart of God surely must be broken over such depravity.

If there is no line drawn for our culture, our nation and our lawmakers, then how do we make any activity illegal or abhorrent, a “crossing over the line,” if we do not uphold a standard that establishes that line to begin with?  That standard must come from outside of our personal desires and emotions, otherwise it becomes what is right for me and too bad for you.

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Challenge, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Is Your Marriage Growing Closer or Distancing?

Marriage relationships are typically gaining ground or losing ground, becoming closer or creating distance. Let me share a few examples:

A silence after a disagreement = distance

Boredom sets into the relationship = distance

Tension due to differing goals or desires = distance

The loss of intimacy or sexual oneness = distance

Unforgiveness = distance

What are some examples of growing in closeness?

Agreement with our budget = closeness financially

Praying together = closeness to God and one another

Maintaining date nights = closeness in fun and communication

Maintaining our physical oneness = intimacy closeness

Taking daily time to hear one another’s heart = closeness shared openly and honestly

We’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced times of deep connection in our marriage and times of boredom or discontent with our marriage. Sometimes life becomes mundane and we take our marriages for granted or we simply become lazy with finding time for each other, communicating and going out on a date. We let our sexual lives lapse as we prioritize so many other things in life over our own intimacy connections. 

When we feel distance in our relationship let’s call it out, expose it, confess it and work at getting back on track. Honest feelings shared can bring honest solutions. Allowing distance to grow makes it more difficult to return to closeness. 

Take some time to share several ways in which you can grow and maintain your closeness as a couple.

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