Category Archives: Marriage

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Three Reality Questions in Marriage

Last week, we ended this blog by saying, “There is no greater mirror of who you are than your spouse.”  I am not sure how many of you thought about that imagery, but after making such a statement I am hoping that you, in turn, received the following question, “How do I need to change so that I see an improving reflection of myself in my life mate?”  In order to move in that direction, here are three reality questions for you: 1. Do you realize that when you married, you were broken and you married into brokenness?  2. Do you realize there is no perfect marriage?  3. Do you have the mentality of an owner or a renter in marriage?

Question number one is, “Do we realize that we are all born into brokenness?  We all have imperfect families, wounded backgrounds and personality difficulties.  When we found the “perfect” person, we found someone like ourselves – in need of healing.  While weddings reflect perfection, i.e., perfect clothes, flowers, beauty and pageantry, they are actually filled with imperfect people and reality will set in eventually.  We take pictures at weddings in order to somehow attempt to remember how perfect things can or did look at one time.  In actuality, a reality wedding ought to look somewhat different.  Both the bride and groom should be wearing their oldest, tore up attire with bleeding wounds exposed and gauze wrapped around them like lace.  They should be pushing along their IV’s while trying to walk with crutches – not a pretty sight, but a sight of reality.  Psalm 51:5 says, “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.”

Marriage has a way of drawing the worst or the best out of us.  We’ll look at question number two next week and in the future some God steps of healing.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Marriage is a Mirror into Our Lives

In the book, Sacred Marriage, author Gary Thomas says that God did not give us marriage to make us happy, but to make us more like Him.  God’s idea for marriage predates Christianity and goes back to the Garden of Eden.  Marriage was an act of creation by God.  Adam recognized a need in his life and so did his Creator.  God’s solution?  The gift of Eve.  God created a mate, once again in His image and likeness to be a life partner.  It was and is God’s idea for the basis of our society.

Initially, we are attracted to one another by our similarities, but that’s before we say “I do.”  Ninety days into the marriage we realize we married someone who is not like us and that’s God’s story.  It is God’s story to begin to hold us together through our differences.  You see, Mary is what I am not and I am what Mary is not.  But, together, we make an amazing team.  Under the New Covenant, as men, we are called to reflect Christ to our wives.  Is there a resemblance men?  As women, you are to reflect the Christ found within your husband.  If we are not working toward becoming more like Christ, then whose image will we reflect?  There is no greater mirror of who you are than your spouse.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Weathering the Storms of Marriage

The East coast is getting pounded with hurricane Sandy as I write this.  The winds are increasing in speed, the rain is pouring down, the creeks, rivers and tide waters are rising as the power companies are on standby alert.  It’s frightening and exciting all at the same time.  We’ve seen storms before, as well as hurricane’s, but this is to be “one of the worst.”  I have prepared with tying everything down, bringing items into the garage, storing food and water and purchasing extra gasoline.  Not sure what else to do other than wait it out, pray and watch out for our neighbors’ needs.  Marriage storms are a bit similar, i.e., unpredictable at times, can’t really know the intensity, and unaware of the potential damages forthcoming.  The main difference may be in getting caught off guard due to the fact that we don’t possess an internal doppler radar system for predicting marriage storms.

Storms, however, are unavoidable within our marriages.  When two people are close enough to see and feel emotional rises and experience power and control losses, damages may occur.  In the eye of the storm (or heat of the argument) we tend to become short with one another and allow words to be spoken that under normal circumstances we would never say.  Emotions seem to force the parts of us that we like to keep hidden, those parts that only relational hardship and pressure will release.  We push back in an offensive manner only to find a stronger wind blowing from our partner against us.  What do we do?  Getting louder accentuates emotional response for yourself and your mate.  Proverbs tells us that a quiet answer turns away anger.  But a quiet answer doesn’t really get our point across.  Ephesians says to speak the truth, but simply speaking the truth can be mean-spirited.  What’s the key?  Speaking to the storm in a quiet tone of voice, telling the truth with love and grace as an anesthesia and maintaining a spirit of love will increase your chances for minimal damages.  When the damages are minimal, there’s a lot less clean up work.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

When it comes to Marriage, Do you have a Consumer’s Mentality or a Committed Mentality?

Imagine you’re at the “husband restaurant” looking over the menu.  Your waiter comes and you ask him, “Do you have any of those good-looking husbands who are tall, lean and somewhat handsome (“somewhat,” because too attractive causes problems with other women)?”  Your waiter assures you there are a few remaining.  You then add,”…a little smart on the side, but not too smart (you need to be able to win the arguments), skilled with his hands…a mister-fixer-upper would be nice.”  “Oh, and for dessert, I’ll have some of that, “likes housework over sports and spending time with the guys.”  The problem is that when your server brings him he’s undercooked, green, can’t do a thing with his hands or he’s overcooked and thinking he knows it all.  He’s not tender and he is clueless when it comes to emotional issues.  You tell your waiter, “Take him back, he’s not at all what I ordered; in fact, I think you brought me someone else’s order by mistake!”  Consumerrrrr.

When we marry, most spouses are a little rough around the edges, but God loves rough around the edges – He specializes in it.  He will use your spouse in your life to tenderize you and bring you truth.  At times it hurts, but if you remain teachable it will “hurt good.”  Consumers criticize their mate’s brokenness, but the committed fight for him or her with a redemptive spirit.  The consumer tries to change their mate to be more like themselves.  Their thought process goes something like this, “If he were more like me and the way I think and act then married life would be so much easier.”  Their core belief is, “My way is the right way.”   The committed are thinking, “It’s not my way or his way, but our way.”  The committed have thoughts, words and actions toward the redemptive purposes of God in their marriage.  The committed are not making unfair comparisons, but are walking by faith toward a deeper level of connection.  The reason?  They realize the deep need for the same level of commitment and grace for themselves.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Loving Women/Respecting Men II

An interesting concept in scripture is when a man desires to be an overseer.  There are some Biblical guidelines and character traits given, one of which is found in I Timothy where it says, “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.”  A man will struggle with his job, his family and his ministry if he feels a lack of respect from those whom he relates to.  When a man feels more respect from his guy friends, his job or hanging out at the fire company rather than his home you will find him desiring to spend the bulk of his time at these places.  Further, when a man experiences a put down in public, he will feel disrespect.

On the other hand, when a woman experiences a put down, she will feel a lack of love.  If she feels that lack of love from her husband, she will begin to separate herself from him emotionally in an effort to protect herself.  Loving your wife through loving acts of service, loving words and physical touches of love will draw her closer to your heart.  When a father expresses love to his daughter and a mother expresses respect to her son, those parents will reach into the very core of their child calling forth their womanhood and their manhood.  Men, ask your wife in what ways can you grow in your expressions of love toward her.  Women, ask your husband in what ways can you grow in showing and expressing respect and honor.   And, please, start by sharing one way, not twenty.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Loving Women/Respecting Men

Why do you think the scripture tells men to love their wife and women to respect their husband?  (See Ephesians 5:33)  Something that seems to come natural to women is love; they know how to love deeply.  Wives thrive on loving words and actions.  Men need women because women teach men how to love.  Mothers are so amazing when it comes to loving unconditionally.  Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s a face only a mother could love?”  Love is natural for a woman; therefore, she naturally desires love from her husband.  A woman can love to her own detriment.  I have known women who love men who abuse them.

On the other hand, the scriptures indicate that men are to be respected.  Do men not need love?  No, but ask a man would he rather feel (un)love from his mate or disrespect?  Respect literally means to give honor.  A woman says, “How can I show respect if I am not loved?”   A man expresses, “How do I love if I am not feeling respected?”  Where did this begin?  Listen to this paraphrase of Genesis 3:15 written by Hebrew scholar, Ronald Allen, “God then spoke to the woman as a consequence of her rebellion…I will magnify your pain in giving birth.  I will also allow pain to come into your marriage relationship…you will tend to desire to usurp the role I have given to him (your husband) as the compassionate leader in your home, rejecting his role and belittling his manhood.  And the man on his part will tend to relate to you in loveless tyranny, dominating and stifling your integrity as an equal partner to himself.”

To be continued…

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Longevity in Marriage

 

How long do you expect to be married?  Seriously, how many years do you think you’ll be one with your mate?  My parents are married for 62 years and my in-laws are married for 73 years.  Perhaps it’s good, at times, to consider the other end of a marriage relationship rather than just looking at today.  What is it that you want the last years of your relationship to look like because, honestly, you are working toward that moment right now, today. What do you desire your marriage testimony to say, “It was rough and rocky, but we stuck it out?”  Or, how about what my wife recently observed while sitting with her parents at the doctor’s office?

Harold, my father-in-law, pushed his bride, Betty, into the exam room via a wheel chair and then he shuffled slowly to his seat directly across the room from her.  Mary, my wife, was seated between the two of them where she could witness what would happen next.  In the silence of this waiting period, Mary caught her mother and father looking into one another’s eyes  and then her mother began to move her lips in total silence and mouthed these words to her lifelong partner, “I love you.”  Harold, with a twinkle in his eye, immediately mouthed those same words back.  That’s it; that was the total conversation before the doctor arrived on the scene.  A brief moment caught in time reveled two hearts who will finish the journey of marriage and their marriage testimony amazingly well.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number ten: Evaluation

 

Most persons dread evaluation time at their work place.  The whole concept has a negative feel to it.  However, it doesn’t have to be negative when it becomes life-giving.  What do I mean?  Once a year, Mary and I take off for our evaluation weekend.  It is normally at the end of the year or in the very beginning of a new year.   We locate an inexpensive place to stay and we gather together our goals and vision for the present year, our marriage mission statement, our budget, check books, savings account and our schedule books.  Throughout the first afternoon and evening we review our past year, e.g., our jobs, our volunteer organizations, our finances, our mission statement, our goals, our children, our home projects and our schedules.  We simply talk about what was and how we are presently doing.  We review our personal lives and our lives as a couple, i.e., date nights, family gatherings, roles and responsibilities.  We then go out for a nice meal together and continue the discussion as is necessary.  The end the evening with giving thanks to God for all He has done in our lives.

The next day we begin our projections for the year ahead.  We review and re-write if necessary our mission statement.  Over the years our couple mission statement changes as our children are raised or as we reach financial goals.  We re-write our goals for the coming year.  We re-work our family budget.  (One year we had to reduce 7.5% of our income from our budget.  I was dreading this piece of the weekend, but with appropriate evaluation, prayer and communication we did it in one painless effort.)  Prayerfully we consider our schedules for work and ministry together, our trips and weekends away together.  Together we make necessary budgetary changes.  We reflect on questions like, “Do we need to save a bit more or adjust our giving?”  We take the time to pray over every area of our lives and together dream about our future.  When we leave this place, we leave on the same page, hand-in-hand and united for the year ahead.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number nine: Be Thankful

 

Does your spouse care for your wash?  Who maintains your car?  Which one of you mows the lawn?  Who cleans the bathrooms?  And whose job is it to balance the check book and pay the bills?  These are a few of the mundane, everyday, thankless and boring duties of life.  When is the last time you thanked your spouse for doing one of those jobs?  I mean really and truly went to them and said, “You know, I never run out of socks because some how they go from the wash basket back into my drawer clean and smelling fresh.  I do not know how you keep up with it all, but thank you.”  Or, “I am so thankful that you take the time to maintain our vehicle.  Today I saw someone along the road broken down and thought of you.  I need to thank you for that.”

When discontent surfaces in our lives toward our spouse we lose thankfulness.  We begin to focus on the things he or she is not doing and forget to give praise for the things they are doing.  Our expectations are unmet and we let them know it.  Why do we measure personal contentment in our life by what we expect from others?  For example, I have heard couples make statements like, “I’ll be content when he starts listening to me” or “I’ll be content when she begins to appreciate what I do for her.”  I Timothy 6:6 states, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”  We will never be content when _________ happens, but we can choose to be content now even if what we expect is not happening.

If I am thankful for my wife and the many things she does to care for our marriage now, then I will not waste time in discontent and thanklessness, both of which are extremely unproductive.  Thankfulness in our marriage is actually contagious, especially when expressed for the many daily and routine tasks.  By the way, thank you for taking the time to read this.  :)

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Ten Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number eight: Every Marriage Needs a Mission

God gave Adam and Eve a mission, to tend the garden together.  He gave Nehemiah a mission to rebuild destroyed and burnt walls.  He gave Peter and Paul a similar mission to two different people groups.  Jesus had a mission to fulfill from His Father and then He asked us to join Him in the great co-mission.  Wouldn’t it seem reasonable that God has a mission for every married couple?  Unfortunately, many marriages today lack a cooperative mission.  The husband is doing his thing with a teen boys Sunday school class and his wife is meeting with the woman’s missionary support team.  However, if God has called you together, He has purpose and mission in that call.  Even to operate a small business, a couple must be in agreement and flow together in a cooperative mission.

That is where Ephesians 5 comes in when it tells us to submit to one another and then for wives to submit to husbands.  That word submission in the Greek is Hupo Tasso and it means to arrange under toward a mission.  We know the prefix “sub” in the word submission means under, i.e., under the mission.  So, the question one must ask when it comes to wives submitting is: what’s the mission?  What is she submitting to?  It is certainly not every selfish wish and whim of the leader.  Let me paint a picture for you as I see it.

Every train has and is in total need of a track.  Which one is more important, the track or the train?  Neither is more important, the one fails without the other.  The train’s mission is completed by the direction and support of the track.  Mary and I first wrote our own mission statement for our marriage and family more than 15 years ago.  We have seen many areas fulfilled and have rewritten our statement numerous times, but our mission statement for our call together still exists.  We totally and fully believe that every marriage needs a mission.  Do yourselves a favor and write your marriage mission statement together as soon as you can, pray over it and review it at least annually.  When you find this agreement in couple mission, you’ll also realize agreement in many other areas of marriage.

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