Category Archives: Marriage

Challenge, Encouragement, History, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

When Leaders Marriages Go Awry and Steps to Maintaining Health

It is a well-known fact that John Wesley married late when he married Molly. John was 47 and Molly Vazeille, a widow with four children, was 41. Their courtship was 16 days long.

Wesley preached sermons the day before and the day after his marriage. Within a week, on a Sunday morning, Wesley referred to his marriage as a “cross” that he had to reluctantly bear. 

Wesley believed his ministry came first and that Molly would simply have to adjust what she desired for his call to ministry. 

Repeatedly, Molly complained that John was insensitive, always traveling, never home and not paying her any attention. John then tried to take Molly with him. Molly didn’t care for traveling hundreds of miles on horseback in the rain or having threats made on their very lives. 

John attempted to repair things, but in the end gave up as ministry remained first in his life. They never divorced, but remained separated. Molly disrespected her husband for his treatment of her both publicly and in the home. 

Lessons to be learned

As a leader, your marriage comes before your ministry. Scripture is repeatedly clear about this. When qualifications are mentioned for church leaders, it is one’s character and one’s family relationships that are highly considered. (See Titus 1:6-9.)

When a leader fails at leadership in his or her home, it will not be long until their public ministry fails also. 

What to do

  1. Be accountable in your marriage relationship with an overseer.
  2. Seek first His kingdom and care first for your marriage and family.
  3. Pursue counsel when needed so your marriage stays on course for the test of time.
  4. Repent quickly of wrongdoing in your marriage.
  5. Forgive deeply.
  6. Attend marriage seminars for challenge and growth.
  7. Read marriage books.
  8. Talk to your spouse and ask them how you can better serve and love them.
  9. Talk to your children about how you can better love your spouse, their parent.
  10. Pray together as a couple. Prayer is the most intimate act within marriage.
  11. Have fun together and take time to laugh regularly.
  12. Vacate everything and everyone a few times a year and spend a weekend dedicated to caring for your marriage.
  13. Daily walk out Colossians 1:28 and Galatians 4:19 and “Build Christ in one another.”
  14. Hold no secrets from each other. 
  15. Seek resolve with every disagreement.
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Challenge, Encouragement, Insecurity, Marriage, Men, Women

Husbands, Love Your Wife and Wives, Love Your Husband (even if they forget the suitcase)

We were all packed and ready to go. I was doing some last-minute email and text message replies while my gracious wife voluntarily packed the car for our five-hour trip to New York. We would be staying at a retreat house and needed to pack lots of extra items. 

With my wife’s assurance, we were ready to hit the road. It was a beautiful drive through the upper Alleghany mountains of Pennsylvania on into New York. After stopping for lunch, for fuel and for a you-know-what-break, we pulled into our destination and began unloading.

It all went smoothly without a hitch. We would meet with the leadership couple soon and begin prepping for our seminar the next day. 

Horrified, my wife came into the bedroom where I was attempting to find a phone signal and declared, no, with panic in her voice loudly stated, “Steve, I forgot to pack our suitcase!” Wow, a whole weekend without a change of clothing and necessary care items. How would we respond to each other? How emotional would we become? What fighting words of anger might follow?

I looked at her and said, “You’re kidding, really?” I began to laugh and attempted to reassure her it was okay and it was as much my fault as it was hers. 

We both started laughing, knowing we just created a memory. A quick trip to Walmart was now being planned.

 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. (Ephesians 5:25-28 The Message)

So, how do we practically walk those specific verses out in our marriage?

  1. Give each other the benefit of the doubt – just as we often give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. We all forget things.
  2. Serve – serving one another can never get old. It keeps our attitudes right toward each other. Serving keeps us from becoming selfish in our relationship. 
  3. Always show compassion – criticism will kill a relationship. Compassion toward your life mate will build relational connection. Be understanding, not just desiring to be understood.
  4. Express love and words of affirmation – be each other’s encourager and build up your mate with life-giving affirmations. Tell her she looks great in that outfit. Tell him he’s as strong as he was the day you met him. Say the words “I love you” daily; never miss a day even if it has to be over the phone or a text message.
  5. Live oneness – in your oneness, realize that what hurts you hurts your life mate. If you speak words of critical judgment, you are as well speaking those words over yourself.

All of these practices will help to build love and security in your marriage. The more security and love you build in your marriage, the more emotional, physical and spiritual oneness you will enjoy.

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Challenge, Children, Identity, Insecurity, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Providing Security for Your Children

What is the number one security need of a child? The answer is an intact family. Expressed or not, children whose parents remain together are more secure children. A close-knit family, regardless of personal family income or status, will give their children a sense that all is good in the world. 

As parents express affection in front of the children on a daily basis, it just might cause some initial reactions of “gross,” but on the inside they’ll be smirking with delight. 

Are you holding hands in front of your children, kissing or expressing love to one another? Are you praying together, going out on dates and verbalizing out loud to one another how important you each are? Do your children witness your uncompromising love, commitment and personal connection? Do your children hear you thank and appreciate one another for all you do to make this family work?

These are expressions of security to your children. Incorporate them on a daily basis and watch their reactions. They may tell you to “Go get a room,” but their security meter will be on the rise.

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Challenge, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Singles, Women

Starting a Marriage That Lasts

Have you heard the newly coined phrase, “Starter marriage?” It comes from a book authored by Pamela Paul as she discovered many persons divorcing before age 30. It’s a sad phenomenon. 

Psychologists say it takes 5-7 years for a marriage to “settle.” Many of these couples are not even allowing for that time period. Being settled in my definition is that I am no longer trying to change you to be like me. I accept you for who you are. You accept me for who I am and we’re both changing for the better as we grow emotionally. 

So, what are the causes of marriages breaking up before age thirty? Here are a few reasons in no certain order:

  1. When individuals do not take responsibility to mature, grow up and ensure personal growth habits toward change. 
  2. When individuals or couples do not learn financial principles. They do not take the necessary time to acquire knowledge of how to follow a budget, use credit cards properly or save.
  3. When couples are involved in premarital sex. Premarital sex inhibits personal growth because it gives to (or takes from) another what belongs within the boundaries of committed love.
  4. Pornography use. Porn is addictive and usage will not stop after one says the words, “I do.” Porn addiction stunts personal growth and is an example of using another through lust vs giving love to another.
  5. There is nothing in their tool belt that helps them to resolve conflict. Many know how to have conflict, but few know how to resolve conflict. Learning to resolve conflict through premarital counseling is vital and can be a marriage lifesaver.
  6. They have not learned how to handle unmet expectations. Marriage is full of unmet expectations and disappointments. Facing them maturely and honestly takes wisdom and patience. 
  7. When one is unable to leave their “old hangout friends” in order to put first one’s spouse. In other words, they’re still acting single. 

You can plan the perfect wedding day, but without premarital and following up with postmarital you may struggle severely in that all important and foundation building first year of marriage. Check this book out.

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Challenge, Healing, Identity, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Refining Our Souls; Pursuing Sexual Wholeness

Our smartphones today are no longer phones, but more so mini computers. Adults are now spending 20 hours per week on digital media. This means most persons will be faced with the option of viewing pornography. 

Similarweb reported that in 2021 the top three porn sites outranked Amazon, Twitch, Zoom and Netflix combined in monthly visitors. 

A nationally conducted survey among churches over the past five years revealed that 68% of men and 50% of pastors view pornography regularly (Pure Desire Ministries).  But, the most shocking was that 11–17-year-old boys reported being the greatest users – 85% and nearly 50% of young girls (From the web site Fight the New Drug).  Pornography in our country is a 4-billion-dollar industry.  More money is spent on pornography than pro baseball, pro basketball, pro football and the Super bowl combined per year.  Eleven thousand adult films are produced per year, which is 20 times the number of regular media films coming out of Hollywood.  The issue is sweeping through the church and with the present younger generation being exposed and involved, it is epidemic.  

Speaking of present generation, this is the generation that is actively fighting sex trafficking more than any other generation; however, this generation is also consuming porn faster than any other generation.

Too often we tell men and women caught up in this issue that it is solely a moral issue, but studies are showing that it is also a brain issue.  So, telling men to study more, pray more and simply to think pure thoughts is like telling a heroin addict to just stop thinking about and pursuing his/her drug – the brain is conditioned.

Studies are now indicating that when we are involved in sexual activity the brain releases a chemical called Oxytocin, along with other chemicals; it is the glue to human bonding. When we watch pornography, powerful neurotransmitters such as dopamine are also released and our brain then takes those images and creates a bond, actually interfering with human bonding and sexuality.  Dr. Tim Jennings, a neuropsychologist says that any type of repetitive behavior will create trails in our brain that fire on automatic sequence. 

Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways.  Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really.  Women feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing.  It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world.  It brings insecurities to her and can destroy her esteem.  She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover.  She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal.  

One thing we know from God, the Creator of sexuality, is that His love is completely satisfying.  One thing we know from the evil one is that lust is insatiable and can NEVER be satisfied.  Pornography and lust are a drive to serve oneself rather than one’s life mate or others. 

By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and helping it to grow.  You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world.  You are adding to the sin of human trafficking.  You are saying yes to a multi-billion-dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent men, women and children and can even lead to their abduction or death.  You are destroying those trapped in this industry (which today includes more teenage girls than ever), your marriage, your own family and yourself.  And then you excuse it and rationalize it.  You tell yourself it’s not that bad; just a quick look; it’s a natural desire; and some of you even change your theology to tell yourself…no, try to convince yourself that it’s actually ok with God.  Maybe even right now you have messages going to your brain saying, “But that’s not me.”

Here are a few things that the porn industry does not tell you:

Viewing pornography is addictive.

Viewing pornography will help to bring destruction to your closest relationships.

Viewing pornography brings feelings of shame.

Viewing pornography can lead to cheating on your spouse.

Viewing pornography can become very expensive.

I Corinthians 6:13 reveals, “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord…” and verse 18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”  Ephesians 5:3 also adds, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity.”

Jesus did not come to condemn you, but rather through grace and forgiveness to remove sexual shame from you. In John chapter eight He told a woman who was caught in adultery that He did not condemn her, but then told her to leave her life of sexual sin. 

Our heavenly Father is in love with you, understands you and has a course of purity for you to walk in. Confess your sin to Him, receive His forgiveness and then find accountability and steps of healing. Here is an organization that can help: http://www.Soulrefiner.com.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

Couples Who Fight About Money

We were one of those couples! Simply stated, we had extremely differing financial values. Mary called me a “tightwad” and I unappreciatively called her a “spender.” Neither term is endearing and of course settles nothing in the financial realm of marriage. 

It’s a dilemma for sure. We often carry our financial values into marriage from our parents or our family money values. If your family never took a vacation you may not see the value in spending money for a week or two of vacation. If your family overspent and misused a credit card, you may not know how to save for emergencies. 

In our marriage, we came to the point where we needed a strategy to develop a mutual agreement of understanding. James chapter four tells us that we fight and argue because we do not ask God. So, we asked God. When doing so, we discovered that we actually had the best of both worlds.

Mary was not a spender; she was a giver. I wasn’t trying to be a tightwad as much as I was attempting to save for a future investment. Giving and saving for investment. Now that’s a winning combo. 

Here are some points to keep in mind when it comes to family finance:

  1. It’s all God’s. You are simply stewards.
  2. God is your provider. Take a break and let Him be your source.
  3. In Him we lack nothing. When Jesus’ disciples returned from a mission trip He asked them, “When I sent you without purse, bag, or sandals, did you lack anything?” (Luke 22:35) 
  4. Pray over your finances rather than fight or demand, i.e., ask God.
  5. Tithe or sow obediently into His kingdom first.
  6. Create a livable, life-giving budget.
  7. Allow for one another to have a reasonable spending allowance.
  8. Be generous with others.
  9. Pay all of your charges on your credit card monthly.
  10. Create an emergency savings account as soon as possible. (Start with $3,000.00 and then work your way up to three months of living expenses.)
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History, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Premarital, Women

Those Many Wedding Traditions and Why We Do Them

Weddings can be similar around the world, but why is it traditional to have wedding bands, to throw rice at the newly married couple or for the bride to wear something old and something new? These are a few of the wedding traditions we accept, but most likely have no idea of their origination. 

Here are eight of the most popular traditions with an explanation of why they exist.

  1. The couple stays apart the night before and the day of the wedding until the ceremony.

Marrying for love is a relatively new concept. Many marriages of yesteryear were prearranged by the families. Not seeing each other prior to stating their wedding vows was a precaution for one of the two getting “cold feet.”

2. Something old and something new.

In the mid-19th century, the objects shared from others were to bring the bride good luck and also served as a hope for early pregnancy. 

3. White wedding dresses.

It was Queen Victoria who wore a white gown at her wedding in 1840 when most gowns at that time were red. Soon white became the color for brides because white was considered virginal and pure and an emblem of innocence. 

4. Groomsmen and bridesmaids in a wedding party.

It has become a way to honor your friends and family members. But in Roman culture, these persons became the couple’s witnesses, bodyguards, and preventing intruders from intervening in the wedding ceremony

5. “Speak up now or forever hold your peace.”

Have you ever wondered where this phrase originated from? It was a standard question at one time in order to prevent bigamy. Some churches even required the forthcoming wedding plans to be announced three times to be sure that neither bride or groom to be were already married.

6. Sharing wedding rings.

Historically, most couples did not exchange rings so this practice is fairly new. It was more of a custom for the woman to have an engagement ring so that all would know she is “under contract” or betrothed. Jewelers began to popularize men’s rings and by the 1940’s it became socially acceptable that men would wear a wedding band.

7. Tossing rice or birdseed at the newlywed couple. 

The Romans thought it best to toss wheat at the couple as a sign of fertility. In Europe it was thought that rice was that sign. Other cultures use oats, peas and other grains. But contrary to popular belief, throwing rice which is eventually picked up by the birds will not injure the bird. 

And one more…wedding cake.

8. Saving the top layer of your wedding cake.

It wasn’t about celebrating on your first anniversary; it was more about the birth of your first child. Happy couples who were able to be successful at starting a family were to celebrate by using the remaining wedding cake for their first child’s christening. 

There you have it: eight traditions that can be found at most modern weddings and the why of those traditions. So the next time you’re at a wedding, you can share your knowledge around the reception table with people you don’t know!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

Why Pre- and Postmarital Counseling?

You’re engaged and on your way to “Happy ever after.” 

Now begins the work of planning a wedding day, a reception and a honeymoon. It is thought that wedding days take up to 200 hours of preparation or more. Think about all that goes into that day: venues, photographer, videographer, flowers, invitations, music, ceremony planning, reception, clothes, and list after list.

Funny thing though, none of these things help to create a better marriage or a more solid foundation. That comes from participating in couple-to-couple premarital counseling. Premarital takes place before you say “I do.” It is foundation building for topics like: communication, conflict, finances, sex, extended family, facing different scenarios, creating tools that help you preventatively.

Marriage is a covenant to a lifetime commitment. We need to receive every possible aspect of prevention that we can. Any investment into your relationship, any seeds sown for personal growth and counsel will be reaped in the years ahead. 

Will you have children, how many, and how will they be educated? Where will you live and will you be able to visit your parents? What are your anxieties concerning marriage? Have you crossed sexual boundaries before marriage and what can we do about that? 

Premarital counseling helps to build a solid foundation and postmarital counseling offers the reality check-ups, reviews, help with present struggles and questions. It should be provocative by nature so that growth occurs and marriage can be embraced in a greater measure. 

Through counseling your love can grow to new heights as you objectively face issues in your relationship. It is an opportunity to be honest, open and vulnerable as you have help offered through your pre- and postmarital counselors.

Finally, if you’re looking for a resource that provokes conversations and gives practical, life-building exercises chapter after chapter, here is our book, Called Together. It asks you the challenging questions before and after you say, “I do.”

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Is Marriage the Answer to Pornography Use?

Many young men and women often believe marriage will be their answer to a porn use problem. If you viewed porn as a teenager, porn use will not stop in marriage. While there may be times of reprieve, it will remain a temptation. 

Having sex in marriage as it was designed by our Creator, provides no guarantee that when you are stressed, when you need a quick fix or when married life is not working out as expected that you will not return to pornography. It’s addictive; highly addictive and it’s a false counterfeit to the real. 

Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways. Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really. Women often feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing. It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world. It brings insecurities to her and can negatively affect her esteem. She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover.  She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal. 

Men, however, often view pornography as innocent, a fix for loneliness or not having a sexual partner that agrees with his desires. Men rationalize and justify their behavior by attempting to call it “normal behavior” of a man who is simply visual. However, the act of viewing pornography is highly addictive in which some psychologist state that it is like a crack cocaine addiction. Over time it does not diminish, but tends to intensify. It can interfere in a man’s ability to function at home with his family, at work and of course in the bedroom.  

Let me say something personal to the casual or the constant viewer. By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and helping it to grow. You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world. You are adding to the sin of human trafficking. You are saying yes to a multi-billion-dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent men, women and children and can even lead to their abduction or death. You are learning to see and treat women as a sex object. You are destroying those trapped in this industry (which today includes more teenage girls than ever), your marriage, your own family and yourself. And then you excuse it and rationalize it. You tell yourself it’s not that bad, just a quick look, it’s a natural desire and some of you even change your theology to tell yourself…no, try to convince yourself that it’s actually ok with God. 

It is not ok with God because it is a counterfeit of what God lovingly gave to you. It is false intimacy and it will steal from you real intimacy. Check out these verses: Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.  As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.  But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do. ( I Peter 1:13-15) 

It is said that 50% of young girls are viewing porn also. All of the above is true for you too. It will have a negative effect upon your marriage and your loving husband. Not only that, but for husbands and wives who struggle you are passing down this sin to your children. 

Repent and confess porn use to God, to your pastor today, be accountable and find resources, counselors and groups that will support you toward freedom.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Conflicts in Marriage; We All Have Them

My wife and I often joke that we had a conflict once in our marriage of 47 years so we wrote a book about it. Not exactly true. We’ve had many conflicts, but conflicts do not have to be harsh or out of control. After all, we face conflicts daily in life and we tend to handle them better with complete strangers than we do with our spouse or our children.

Why is that? We have nothing invested in the stranger, but we have everything invested in our marriage and family. 

Conflicts often originate from blocked goals; we are wanting something and not getting it. We may even want something good, but the goal or the need is blocked by something, by someone. What we do at this point is totally up to us. We can bust our way through with anger or we can go silent and walk out. We can pretend we’re not having a conflict and not deal with it or we can become abusive in our response all in an effort to get what we want and when we want it. 

Here are seven suggestions that can help us when it comes to marriage conflicts:

  1. Even in conflict we need to maintain a right attitude toward one another. Conflict is not always detrimental in marriage, but it does test our faith, our patience and our personal level of grace. According to the scriptures, it also develops character (See Romans 5:3-5 and James 1:2-4.). Remember that in marriage our conflict is deeper because our love is deeper.
  2. The natural response to conflict is more conflict, a desire to win or a desire to just bail. But when we push through, pray through and persevere through, the trial and the outcome will be perseverance doing its work (See James 1:4.). Don’t quit and give up; believe for a resolve because the more we learn to persevere through the conflict, the more victories we will experience. 
  3. Keep in mind that whatever we sow, we reap. If we sow anger, we’ll reap anger. If we sow the negative we will be sure to reap the negative. The seed of criticism and name calling cannot produce the fruit of peace or righteousness.
  4. Do not hold onto negative words, bitterness, criticism, or anger because these things will bite you in the end. Peter told us to be considerate in our marriages and to treat one another with respect (I Peter 3:1-9). Jesus never treats us in disrespect, anger or abuse. 
  5. In each and every conflict, be aware of selfish ambition because many of our conflicts arise from a felt need or desire regardless of how another feels. In Philippians 2 Paul reminds us to, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others [my spouse] better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others [my spouse].”
  6. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (I Peter 4:8) Love often means overlooking an offense, forgetting, not pointing out failures, not reminding one another of past mistakes, forgiving and keeping no record of wrongs.
  7. Lastly, as conflicts are resolved, God uses those areas in our lives to help others. I know that might sound far off right now, but it’s true. We will have authority to speak into that which we have had to grow through and have successfully won the battles with.

The number one reason marriages do not make it today is the inability of two adults to respectfully and honorably resolve conflict with each other. Put into practice the points above and you’ll be on your way to resolving conflict. Conflict is not wrong in a relationship, but unresolved conflict certainly is.

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