Category Archives: Men

Challenge, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Singles, Training, Women

Time or Money, Which is More Valuable?

Do you value money over time or time over money? Perhaps an illustration would help.

Let’s say you are building a new home, and a generous friend offers you $5,000.00 toward the cost of the house build. Then let’s say someone says to you, “I don’t have money to give you, but I can help you build your new home.” Which offer are you more inclined to take, the one who offered financial help or the one who offered free labor?

Someone who offers us their time and talent speaks of a willing commitment toward you and your personal goal. We tend to find that level of commitment of greater value than someone handing us funds. Why? Because money is of relative value. For example, if I offer a twelve-year-old $100.00, they’re going to think they won the lottery. If I offer a wealthy businessperson $100.00, they might laugh at me. 

If we waste our money we can always earn more but having only 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week, we cannot get that back. When we waste time, we waste a valuable commodity that cannot be returned to us, i.e., we simply cannot create more time. 

I have the privilege of attending my grandchildren’s baseball, football, and soccer games and I often observe parents on the sideline with their eyes glued to their cell phones. When their children see them do you think those kids feel valued? That time for the child and the parent is wasted, and they’ll never get it back.

It is said that you can’t buy love. Money won’t and gifts won’t. Love grows because you are investing time into a relationship. Giving our time to serve others is far more meaningful and relationship building than giving our money. While it’s valuable to support a mission team with finance, it’s far more valuable to you and others to actually go and serve on that mission team. 

Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me. (Matthew 25:40)

And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. (Hebrews 13:16)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Is Marriage First or Is Ministry First?

Church planting and/or pastoral ministry is a huge undertaking, and it is not a 9-5 job. Pastors serve congregants all hours of the day and night. There is a high expectation placed upon a pastor’s life and schedule.

There are births, deaths, weddings, counseling, hospital visits, family visits all beside sermon prep, teaching, preaching and oversight of multiple ministries within the local church. It certainly can be overwhelming and far more than normal fulltime employment. 

For most, pastoral ministry is a calling and a passion. 

However, pastors have a marriage and children who can often feel as though they come after the ministry. Learning to put marriage before ministry can be a daunting challenge. I Timothy 5: 8 reminds us of a biblical priority, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

Here are some helps to keep pastoral ministry and marriage in their proper perspective:

Love your spouse more than your ministry. If you have a congregation of 100 persons, you will never please everyone. But you do need to please your spouse. If you are prioritizing the needs of your congregation above the needs of your family, you are already missing the mark biblically. Your first church is your marriage and your children.

    Attempting to gain the approval of 100 persons is impossible, but it is not impossible to gain the approval of your immediate family. And here’s something to commit to memory: another can pastor your congregation, but no one else is called to lead and care for your marriage and family. (See Ephesians 5: 25-28.)

    • Pursue intimacy from your marriage and not your ministry. Your ministry is not the one that you are called to romance. Many pastors’ marriages have fallen to pieces because ministry was their mistress. Your spouse is more important than any one congregant and she/he should feel that. If your spouse observes that you’ve been out too many nights, listen and ask what a better balance might be. Specifically talk about evening ministry versus daytime ministry. 

    Create a regular date night and take a weekly family day. When ministry does take the priority and interrupts your marital priorities there will be more understanding given to you from your family. 

    • Pastors have marriage issues just like anyone else. Do not sell yourself short in realizing that your marriage needs marriage retreats and seminars. Do not avoid counseling. If there is a need in your marriage, then lead by example and find appropriate input and help. 
    • Pastors frequently deal with conflicts arising within their church family and are often expected to help resolve issues. That said, you dare not enter the threshold of your home and sink into an easy chair avoiding your own family’s issues. If your family is dealing with a conflict, then you are part of the solution as well. Just because you have heavy situations within the church does not mean you receive a pass from directly dealing with home issues. 

    Dealing with conflict among others means you must develop the skill of listening. That skill is needed in your home also. Do not turn a deaf ear to the cries of your spouse.

    Making sure that your heart is in your home as well as your ministry will serve you well. More than likely your marriage was before your ministry. And your marriage will remain after your ministry, so keep it the highest priority. Your spouse and your children will love and respect you for it. 

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    Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

    Marriage: Have You Left Your First Love?

    Found in the book of Revelation chapter two, there is a scripture written to the church confronting His loved ones. The issue? They have forsaken their first love, and He encourages them to return to the first works of their faith.

    What if we took this same thought and brought it into marriage? Have you in any way left your marriage in your heart, mind or emotions? Have you grown cold or bored or lazy in your relationship? Have you given up on your marriage changing? Then return to your first works.

    What are those first works? Think back to dating and then engagement. What did you do to grow, maintain and secure your love? How did you appreciate one another? What were your conversations like? What fun was found in your relationship? What were you prioritizing during that stage of life? How were you caring for one another? It is in answering these questions that you will find your acts of first love.

    My wife, while I was in the military, wrote me a letter every day. I returned that loving action and wrote to her often. We sent cards that lifted our hearts and caused us to think about one another in positive ways. When together we did lots of fun things: talked, were silly, talked, asked questions, talked, complimented one another and talked. No question and no conversation was off the table. We gave one another complete freedom to share our hearts. Nothing was too unimportant to discuss or process. 

    We actively sought ways to grow our relationship toward marriage by reading books, pursuing wise counsel, honoring one another, thinking of the other first and serving one another. We complimented freely and often. We held hands as much as we could. We kissed and we prayed together. We fell more and more in love.

    Repent of your coldness and return to your first works that lit the fire of your relationship. It is well worth the effort!

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    Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

    Does Going Through a Rough Patch in Our Marriage Disqualify Us from Ministry?

    Every marriage has it challenges and some more than others. Does that disqualify us from ministry in our local church or elsewhere? The answer? Yes and no.

    The first step is assessment. How long have we had this struggle? Is it a repeated struggle? Have we sought counsel for this particular issue? Do we avoid finding solutions? Are we actively trying to find solutions? Are we being stubborn and refusing personal change? Are either one of us in active sin? Are we blaming our spouse solely for the struggle and not taking any personal responsibility? 

    The answers to these questions can help us determine whether we should be involved in ministry during this season of our relationship.

    We recently experienced a couple sharing with us they feel disqualified for entering a couples’ ministry at this time because they are attempting to work through some of their own marriage issues. I asked them if they ever struggle raising their children or have they made huge mistakes in parenting. They said, “yes.” I then asked them if they should stop parenting or perhaps consider adopting out their children. As ridiculous as that sounds, sometimes it’s just as ridiculous to think disqualification from ministry over aggressively pursuing marital healing.

    You must know if you can minister to others while experiencing conflict yourself, but neither does the conflict always disqualify you from serving others. It is out of our own pain sometimes that we learn to help others. And healed people can bring healing to many!

    The key is, after assessment, chase healing. Give it everything you have and pursue growth in your marriage and in your individual lives. As we heal individually, our marriage will also experience healing. There is no perfect marriage, but we serve a perfect Savior who possesses all the answers we need for our daily life challenges!

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    Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

    Can Divorced Persons Serve in Church Leadership?

    I have been asked this question multiple times. I am not the final authority, but one thing I know for sure is that not every divorce is sinful, but most are the result of sin. 

    “Not every divorce is sinful.” Does that statement in and of itself leave room for the divorced to be placed in local church leadership? I believe it does and here’s why.

    Historically divorce was rare in the United States, and it was easy to simply say that divorced persons could not serve in leadership. In other words, in the rare case of divorce, denying leadership responsibilities was easy, quick and involved far less discussion and prayer. But that position can be punishing and made more so out of tradition.

    With the changes in divorce proceedings and forced divorce, i.e., no-fault divorce, we are left with multiple interpretations of scripture. Also, one must decide if they desire to be led by feelings and culture or scriptural precedent. As a counselor, I often heard the following, “How can it be so wrong if it feels so right?”

    Well, lots of things can be wrong that feel right. So, leaving selfishness behind, let’s delve into the question. 

    First, divorce in and of itself is bringing trauma to the family. It rips apart two adults who have become one in covenantal relationship, and it is devastating to children. Kids do not care about 2 +2 if mom and dad are ending their marriage and affecting all the security they need, know, love and crave. As churches desire to be “relevant to culture,” they will cave to the feeling side of divorce. Church leaders in an effort to not offend will compromise the scripture. 

    But God “hates” divorce (Malachi 2:16) because He knows what it does to individuals, families, extended families and ultimately to culture. I love when leaders are compassionate to those who have experienced the trauma of divorce, but that compassion dare not lead to an unscriptural view. 

    Many who experience divorce would tell me that it occurred before they were Christians. However, marriage is not a Christian act; it’s a creation act of God. That means that any and all marriage vows are spoken to God until death do we part. 

    Timing in divorced leaders is important. If the divorce was a year ago or even three plus years ago, there needs to be time, a season to observe the prospective leader’s character and integrity. How have they grown through what occurred them? What was the cause of the divorce and was it scriptural to divorce?  Has there been a remarriage of either party? Was there repentance and ownership taken for their part in the marriage ending? Have they received counseling for the wound(s) of divorce on the soul and spirit?

    Paul told Timothy (I Timothy 3:2,12) that an elder must be the husband of one wife. Did that mean one wife versus multiples wives (polygamy)? Did that mean only one marriage partner for life? Or did that mean the divorced and remarried person is simply disqualified since they are now living with a second wife or husband?

    The literal Greek translation was “one-woman man.” This meant a man who walks in integrity with eyes and faithfulness toward one woman and one woman only–his wife. The focus was and is moral purity. 

    My personal reasoning behind this is that scripture did allow divorce for marital unfaithfulness and for abandonment. The church must focus on Christlikeness in character, longstanding integrity and godly leadership. Why? Because leaders are to be an example to the body of Christ–ones to emulate. 

    Divorce is not God’s plan, and it will never be. With that clearly stated, we live in a fallen world and divorce is a part of it just as multiple other fallen nature things are. Redemption has come through Christ and He redeems the whole of man, not just partial aspects of mankind. We live and we walk in His redemption, through His shed blood and by receiving the forgiveness of our sin. (Ephesians 1:7)

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    Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Singles, Training, Women

    Do You Punish Your Children or Do You Correct Them?

    Honestly, one of the most difficult times while raising children was when I had to enforce a boundary as their father. Providing the appropriate discipline in the appropriate manner was often a challenge. You see, children have this uncanny ability to bring the worst out of you as the parent. At my worst, I might have over-corrected or when angry dished out punishment rather than correction. Is there a difference? Yes, there is.  (And by the way, seeing your “worst” is not such a bad thing.) 

    Punishment has to do with me preserving my right to be angry with my child and keeping my posture as the one in charge. It says that my child must pay for what he or she did wrong. Punishment is often done out of anger lacking any training toward change, put simply, a more powerful parent enforcing his or her will upon the weaker child. Punishment is more about inflicting shame and pain for wrongdoing. Further, fathers who are into punishment rather than correction of our sons and daughters might ultimately cause our kids to view God as a punishing God.

    Correction, on the other hand, is not just about reward and punishment; it is more about challenging actions and shaping a will in a life-giving method. It is training out of a spirit of love. It is more about guiding and forming the spirit of the child rather than reinforcing the will of the parent. It is less about anger and more about what’s best for the child. 

    Correction takes time to administer because it includes instruction toward a different and healthier life pattern and future. Punishment on the other hand is normally abrupt, more about reaction and often with little thought. Proverbs 29: 15 says that the rod of correction imparts life – correction imparts life!  Job 5:17 tells us, “Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.”

    Take the time to administer correction and instruction vs. abrupt punishment that might wound more than heal. Be sensitive to age levels. The older the child the more reasoning capacity they have, so keep your words to a minimum especially when they’re under age 10. You are not trying to convince them, manipulate them or even come to agreement. You are showing them a better way with better consequences. 

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    Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

    Dangerous Marriage Moves – The Flirting Risk

    He traveled with his job and found someone in a neighboring city who was lonely and looking for a hook-up. She didn’t care that he was married. He didn’t care that she had children and was in the middle of divorce proceedings. It was pure attraction, or so they thought.

    Attraction turned to kissing and kissing progressed to the bedroom. It was fun, exciting, exhilarating. He felt young again. She felt needed, desired and idolized. Ongoing thoughts of how dangerous this was, how risky and how destructive it could or would be were dismissed over and over. 

    He told himself no one will ever know. He also told himself the feelings for her were not real; it was just lust fulfilled. He knew his secret was safe with her and she knew hers with him. It felt so good. How could it possibly become a casualty? The flirtations were simply irresistible.

    Darkness always has a way of being exposed. Secrets almost always surface. What is hidden will come to light; as it was in this case. And as it did, this man lost his ministry position in his church, lost his marriage and lost his relationship with his teenagers. That’s a lot to lose and a very high cost to pay.

    His sin wreaked havoc with his life, his business, and his family. The price he paid for his wrong decisions was costly and there was now no going back. 

    What could have happened?

    First, decisions need to be made before facing the opportunity. Decisions like how will I respond if the opportunity presents itself to be sexually unfaithful? Boundaries should have been in place along with measures of accountability. 

    Second, you must push through a lot of convincing cautions to pursue sin. All along the way there is that personal hesitation, the internal warnings, the still small voice of God, the scriptural warnings, and the rapidly beating, nervous heart.

    Third, obedience to God and your spoken vows to your spouse must come to the forefront. John 14 says, “If you love me, you will obey what I command” and “Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me.” (John 14:15, 21) By disobeying God you are literally saying you do not love Him.

    Fourth, if you had an agreement with your spouse that included boundaries for your marriage, now is the time to apply them. Life is good until there is a test. You must choose to pass the test. 

    Fifth, recognize the voice of the enemy because he will make a way to tempt you in the areas where you are vulnerable. Shore up those areas.

    Please take the time to read: I Corinthians 6:12-18, Romans 6:11-14, and Galatians 5:19. If you have not written boundaries for your marriage, I highly encourage you to do so. Yes, it feels prudish, but written boundaries provide one more layer of protection.

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    Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Pornography, Training, Women

    Dear Parents (An Open Letter to Parents of Young Children)

                                                             

    Dear parents, I recently wrote a booklet about the inordinately high use of pornography within our culture. It was a summarization of a lengthy, thorough and statistically backed (all noted with resources) online article that I wrote. You can access the first of this two part article here.

    Part of what provoked the booklet and the article was the story of a friend of mine. He first encountered pornography at age 7. By age 12 he was acting out what he saw in the magazines with female friends in his tree fort. 

    It’s startling, but for most boys’ pornography exposure occurs around age 11. By age 17 they are the highest users of porn – 85%. Unfortunately, in recent years young girls are also increasingly using porn. In that same age group, nearly 57% of young girls are viewing pornography. While boys are visual, girls are turning to porn so they can learn what boys desire of them sexually. Pornography is a 12-billion dollar industry in the United Staes. Eleven thousands “adult” films are produced per year. That is twenty times the number of regular media films produced in Hollywood!

    Children cannot process what they are seeing and reading. They do not understand the real gift of sexuality and so they are being inundated with false images of something that is not real and not connected to any sense of love, commitment or marriage. Pornography is a counterfeit, a fake, a lie. Its images are addictive and the more one feeds themselves porn, the more they desire. 

    When I was a counselor, it was not abnormal for me to see clients whose brothers or father abused them sexually when they were young girls. Pornography was typically a part of that abuse. 

    I once worked with a private school where a teacher was touching his students inappropriately. I frequently heard clients’ first sexual encounter was with their cousins in sexual exploratory games. Just last week, one of the leaders I oversee asked me for help. A close friend of his just found out that his fourteen-year-old son has been molesting his younger female cousins for several years.  I had a pastor’s daughter in my counseling care who was date raped on her college campus. I have dealt with multiple leadership failures in which there was adultery. And I am presently serving on a team that is helping to provide care and input to an organization in which the leader was sexually abusing woman for over 40 years. I would guess that in most cases pornography was a part of each of these horrific stories. 

    So, I am asking you to be vigilant and protective of your children. Do not leave them with persons who could be unsafe. Do not openly and without caution trust any adult in their life, even their teachers. Do not give them free rein with cousins and friends without warning them of the possibility of abuse, pornography and childhood sexual exploration. 

    Sadly, you must even be aware of library books these days. Material that is X-rated, explicit, that promotes unhealthy same sex, opposite sex and deviant relationships is finding its way into our public libraries, public grade schools, middle schools and high schools today. This is an evil, grooming tactic to expose our innocent children to explicit material and to sexual acts which they are not mature enough to engage in or are even capable of understanding. 

    Protect your children by telling them and reminding them often of the “bathing suit” rule. No one touches them, asks to see or exposes oneself in these private areas. They will understand that language and you will be equipping them with a vital and useful tool.

    Do your best to help your children stay pure and innocent. Today’s phone technology provides easy and immediate access to soft and hardcore pornography. With the push of a few buttons, they can have access to unspeakable images. It’s almost unimaginable, but there are over 400 million pages of pornographic material available on over four million websites. Having a phone without data access is a help as are software programs like Covenant Eyes which allows you to see every website they access.  

    In today’s highly sexualized culture, it is possible to help maintain your child’s innocence and not have them exposed to explicit sexual material. They will trust your caution. Remember, sex in and of itself is not a dirty word or act. Within the right context of marriage, it is a wonderful gift from God and your children need to have full knowledge of God’s goodness found within this gift. 

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    Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

    The Blessing of Money in Marriage

    Marriage oneness is a gift from God. However, one of the more difficult areas of marriage to reach oneness in is that of finances. My wife and I struggled in this area for years. She was a “spender” and I was a “tight wad.” At least that’s how we each viewed the other when it came to finances. 

    The Fidelity company did a study in 2024 of couples and their money. It was pretty telling as they surveyed 1,800 couples. Fifty five percent felt good about their financial health. Twenty five percent said that money is their greatest relationship challenge. Among Gen Z couples that percentage increased to 29%. But what else did they discover?

    • 25% said they resent being left out of financial decisions
    • 25% said they are frustrated by their partner’s money habits
    • 34% said the disagree on their savings goal
    • 36% do not know how much money their spouse earns
    • 55% said they are making retirement savings decisions together
    • 53% did not agree on the amount of savings they needed for retirement
    • 47% disagreed on how much risk they are comfortable with in their investments

    We obviously need to improve our financial relationship. We need to communicate and agree on our tithe and giving, our savings, our credit card use, our debt and our overall budget. God desires finances to be a blessing, not a curse. 

    Mary and I finally discovered that she was not a “spender,” but rather a giver. I was not a “tight wad,” but rather a saver/investor for our future. Those two areas combined in our marriage, honoring one another and how we are built financially, has become a huge blessing and now an area of strength, agreement and oneness.

    We save more in order to give more.

    The blessing of the Lord makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it (Proverbs 10:22).

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    Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Singles, Training, Women

    What Are You Devoted To?

    Devotion is a positive attribute. It comes with commitment to something or someone. Being devoted means you are being loyal. 

    We can be devoted to many things these days: a certain restaurant, a car company, a computer company, our children, and even ourselves. But can we be overly devoted? I mean, can we be giving misplaced devotion to something or someone that or who does not deserve our devotion? 

    The short answer is yes – we can. Romans 12:10 says, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”  This scripture relates that our true devotion belongs more to God and others than things or ourselves.

    Do you remember reading in the Old Testament about the soon-to-be king David, and the current King Saul? Saul was chasing David in order to kill him. Even as Saul showed total disregard for David, David showed honor and devotion to his king. Respecting others is easy when they respect us, but it sure can be difficult when we feel no respect. 

    Do you have a “Saul” in your life? Someone who is treating you with disrespect or treating you unfairly? Become that person of integrity and devotion to the truth of God’s word found in Romans 12. As you treat others with honor and respect, God will honor you!

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