Category Archives: Men

Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

50 Years of Marriage! We Did It!!

We were just kids, as they say. Mary was fresh out of nursing school, and I was in the military during the Vietnam war. We had a small two-bedroom apartment and worked different shifts the first two years following our wedding vows. 

Learning each other’s nuances, family cultures, likes and dislikes was fascinating. With virtually no premarital counseling we were finally married and living on our own five hours south of our families. 

While we had been in semiserious relationships prior to ours, we were virgins, having saved the best of ourselves for one another. It was heaven on earth as we discovered new things about each other, learning to cook, and all things that go into making a newly formed family. 

Our first apartment.

Following those two years we set out to serve as missionaries to adjudicated teenage boys and did so for eight years – not heaven on earth. This mission tested everything we knew in life, marriage and the pursuit of happiness. It was tough believing for our needs, not fighting over who spent the last dollar and living in a facility with other staff members and the delinquents themselves. Through lots of trials and pain we grew stronger in our faith, our resolve, and our marriage.

So here we are at 50 years. How does a couple keep it together that long? How does a marriage make it through severe losses, great financial needs, disagreements, differing financial values, and (one of the most challenging) raising children into adulthood? Let us (my bride helped with this part) take a stab at answering that question.

  1. Choose your battles wisely. You just can’t agree on everything, but that does not mean you live disagreeably. Face the fact, even though you are one, you are two different individuals who see things differently. That is not a negative, it is something to be valued. Seeing things differently helps each of us to see what we’re not seeing. And that makes for a better team. 
  2. Speaking of team, work together at serving and honoring each other. How can you out serve and out honor your mate? Also important, honor one another’s extended families.
  3. Keep dating a priority. Never stop prioritizing fun, weekends away, rest and laughter.
  4. Know why you are called together. Know your marriage mission, write it down and keep updating it year after year. It is the “why” of your marriage relationship.
  5. Pray and worship together. Nothing is more intimate, connecting, or communicative than praying together. You will hear each other’s hearts and know one another’s deepest needs and desires. Worshiping together includes having a home church; one in which you are both comfortable in and are fed spiritually nourishing food. It’s a place where you can serve and be served by a godly family who cares about you, your marriage and your family. 

Proverbs 31 reminds us, “A wife of noble character who can find?   She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” 

We have lacked nothing of value these past 50 years. There is no greater, no deeper love than our heavenly Father’s and that love enables us to love and cherish each other through every day, every month and every year.

Reaching this milestone has made every mile we have traveled, every faith step we have taken, and every prayer we have prayed worth it. If we can make it, so can you.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Singles, Small Groups, Training, Women

Shame: A Tool of God or the Enemy?

Many of us, if not all of us, are well acquainted with the emotional upheaval of shame. Since almost the beginning of our existence on earth, shame has been present. 

Does shame serve a purpose? Is there a biblical or spiritual reason for shame? Is shame always considered something bad? Can shame motivate us? Should Christians ever accept feelings of shame?

Where it all began

God created a perfect world and placed mankind into a perfect garden – His garden. With the fall of man, came what is known today as the emotion of shame. The Lord God called to Adam and asked him where he was. God couldn’t find him? Not so. God could not find the Adam that previously faced Him without shame and fear. 

“He [Adam] answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid. And he [God] said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” (Genesis 3:10-11)

Fear and shame of Adam’s nakedness filled his heart, and the separation from his Maker began. Then, in response to the shame they felt, what does God do for Adam and Eve? By verse 21, God was handcrafting garments for Adam and Eve. Why? To cover their nakedness and to remove shame.

Just what is shame?

Because we as humankind are so full of pride when we fail or we sin, our pride creates a desire to hide just as Adam did. We failed and we don’t know how to deal with the feelings we feel. As God’s creation who desired to be like God, we fail to live up to our own expectations, the expectations of others, and/or what we feel God expects. And that is enough to bring about feelings of shame and disappointment. 

Shame creates false thinking like: I am a bad person because of my failure. I will never be good enough. I deserve to feel bad because I constantly come up short. I am worthless. I’ve been such a fool. Shame is something we place upon ourselves when we have thoughts like these.

I dealt with shame

As a child growing up in the 1950’s and 1960’s, parents often used shame as a means of attempting to correct wrong behavior. They thought they could shame us into better or more appropriate responses. They did this through words like, “You should be ashamed of yourself, acting like that.” Or we often heard this one, “What are you, stupid?” And then there was this one, “How could you be so dumb?” Shame-filled words do not administer correction, they create a defeated self-concept of oneself that can eventually lead to a very low esteem or even self-punishment.

Our Lord does bring discipline and correction to us, but He does it in a life-giving, loving way. His goal is not to crush our spirit with the use of shame, but to correct in a spirit of hope and encouragement to change our beliefs, thoughts and actions. 

Why then do Christians struggle with shame?

For many of us who have trusted in Jesus for our salvation, shame can still plague us. The enemy of our soul wants to remind us of our past deeds, sins, mistakes and then bring back the familiar feelings of shame. Often there are voices and scenes stuck in our heads with old video messages of shame-filled words that multiple people spoke over us. We often give in to those false messages and we allow these persons and their voices to have power over us.

It’s interesting that we are told in the scriptures our heavenly Father does not hold shame or sin over us. Why? Because it is not a motivator for becoming shame-free. In fact, God’s word says, “Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.” (Isaiah 61:7) Instead of shame…everlasting joy.

Also, through divine inspiration, the prophet Isaiah wrote these power-filled words: “Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of your widowhood.” (54:4)

As Christians, we can still struggle with shame because we do not realize the price that our Savior paid for that shame. How can I be so confident of that? Listen to what Paul wrote to the Roman church, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” (Romans 10:11) The more we believe God’s word (His promises and not the tapes in our head from our former misbeliefs), the more truth that we store in our spirit, and the more faith and hope we have in the penalty Jesus paid. Consequently, the freer we become of shame.

Again, Peter harmonizes with Paul and writes, “For in Scripture it says: ‘See I lay a stone in Zion, a chosen and precious cornerstone, and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.’” (I Peter 2:6)

Stop hiding

Adam and Eve hid, and we’ve been hiding from God ever since. There is only one place that we are called to hide, only one place where we can rid ourselves of shame, and only one place where there is no longer any fear that leads to shame: “…fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)

Jesus was led like a sheep to the slaughter, arrested, mocked, spit on, beaten, insulted, given a crown of thorns – all a picture that was full of shame and humiliation. Jesus chose to obey His Father as He bore our shame and our guilt through a torturous and agonizing death.

There is no other place to go for freedom, for atonement, and for cleansing of our shame. Shame always says we’re guilty, but from the cross Jesus said that guilt and shame were paid for. He died for shame-filled sexual sin, theft, out of control anger, abuse, and anything else you can name from your life. When we repent of our sin and receive Him as our Savior, He pronounces over us that the penalty for our sin, the guilt, the shame, the menicing weakness we feel is covered by His blood and sacrifice on the cross. And from that cross He says, “Shame off of you!”

Jesus is the only one that we can trust to deal with our shame. He helps us to flee from the sin-filled choices we once made and lifestyles we once lived. In desiring to please Him, we can turn over those old video files and request that they be erased – permanently. We no longer need to feel ashamed.

“In you oh Lord, I put my trust; let me never be ashamed; deliver me in your righteousness.” (Psalm 31:1)

“In you, Lord, I have refuge; let me never be put to shame.” (Psalm 71:1)

“I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame,  nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.” (Psalm 25:2,3)

Choose a life of joy, free of condemnation

As we confess our sin, our fear, and our shame, believe God to release you of those burdens. Forgive those persons who spoke words of shame over you. Often those persons spoke out of their own shame-filled souls. Make use of the scriptures in this article to counteract the lies and the misbeliefs of your past. Remember that it is not what others think of you, it’s what your heavenly Father thinks of you and what Christ has done for you on the cross. Finally, live out the truth of this verse, “There is, therefore, now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1)

“Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.”(Psalm 34:5)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Women

Advice Giving for Dad’s at Weddings

Having been the father of the groom, I have learned some things. 

First, father of the groom is a much easier role; there is little to nothing to do but enjoy the day. Perhaps the biggest deal was arriving on time. But I am not a very willing nonparticipant. I don’t mind a job or two. Well, not ordering the flowers, mind you, but there are things like:

My son had bacon wrapped scallops at his wedding reception. I instructed our server that when she came to the dining room floor from the kitchen with fresh, hot scallops, she was to immediately find me, the father of the groom. I do love bacon wrapped scallops. 

Then there’s the meeting new people to find out who they are and how they know the bride or my son. This job was specifically to be sure there were no wedding crashers showing up for a free meal or an easy date. I also enjoyed keeping the smaller ones away from the icing on the cupcakes. Who wants a cupcake with a dirty, little finger run through it? 

For your son’s one friend who started celebrating before the wedding and continues to do so during the reception…show him the door or order an Uber. You’ll do everyone a favor. 

Lastly, but certainly not least, was the dance with my new daughter-in-law. It is my one moment to speak directly into her ear and provide a calm, but stern warning that if she ever does anything to hurt or harm my son…or if my son ever…you have my permission to…. You can finish those sentences how you see fit. 

Father of the groom, take your role and responsibilities seriously. Someone has to do the hard stuff.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital, Training, Women

Building Intimacy Through Couple Prayer

Too often Christian couples are not praying together outside of a prayer before their meal. Many leadership couples are not praying together consistently. Some couples tend to focus on the barriers of prayer rather than prayer itself. Barriers like, “We’re too busy; our children’s needs come first; we’re too tired; I am waiting on my spouse to initiate prayer,” etc.

Besides speaking to God, just what does prayer in our marriage accomplish?

  • A spiritual intimacy that is greater than sexual intimacy
  • Love
  • Faith
  • Thankfulness
  • Appreciation
  • Protection/covering
  • Honesty
  • Friendship
  • Communication
  • Unity
  • Agreement
  • Openness/vulnerability
  • Heart connections
  • Healing

To take it to an even deeper level, praying with our spouse can reduce:

  • Stress/tension
  • Frustration/anger
  • Disagreement as we agree in prayer
  • Personal judgements as we hear each other’s heart

Prayer with our marriage partner fulfills the scripture found in Matthew 18:19, “If any two will agree in prayer it will be done…” Couple prayer increases two walking together in agreement – “How shall two walk together unless they agree to do so.” (Amos 3:3)

What are some reasons that couples are not engaging in prayer together? Here are a few:

  • They do not know how to pray or how to pray together.
  • It’s just too intimate.
  • It’s too risky – putting our hearts out there or exposing our greatest needs.
  • Feeling inadequate or awkward in prayer.
  • Unwilling to take or make sufficient time.  
  • Trust/mistrust – what will my spouse do with the information I share in prayer?
  • Fear of exposure.

Honestly, how can we walk together without prayer in our lives? How can we grow in intimacy without engaging in spiritual intimacy first? Start by taking five minutes (once a day or once a week) to give God thanks and then laying your requests at His alter. It will change you and it will radically change your marriage!

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

A Message to the Newly Married or the Soon to Be Married

In another two months my wife and I will be married for 50 years. I hope that counts for something. 

When we look back, it’s easy to identify multiple mistakes that we made. It’s as well, easy to identify those decisions that worked. Taking responsibility for our decisions and their outcome is a major step toward maturity in a marriage relationship. Good decisions reap good outcomes and bad decisions reap a consequence that we both must own and then grow from. 

So, those thoughts lead me to pen some advice from an older married couple. Here goes:

  • Stay away from major discussions or decisions if you’re hungry or tired.
  • Treat your spouse the way you desire to be treated. (Luke 6:31)
  • Place your spouse ahead of yourself (Philippians 2:3-4).
  • Never leave or return home without finding each other and sharing a kiss and an “I love you.”
  • Make each other laugh. Have fun. (Proverbs 17:22)
  • Your most intimate connection is praying together (Matthew 18:19).
  • Do not look for 100% agreement in everything. Accept that you will always enjoy some personal differences. They’ll make you a better team.
  • Realize that agreement is greater than disagreement (Amos 3:3).
  • Conflict is inevitable and part of a close relationship. Conflict is not wrong, however; conflict without compromise and then finding a resolve is wrong.
  • Build a livable, agreeable budget and stick to it.  
  • Always have a short-term savings and a long-term savings.
  • Do your best to stay out of debt (Proverbs 22:7).
  • Never maintain a credit card balance (Psalms 37:21).
  • Give one another a monthly spending allowance.
  • Doing without lots of things can save your marriage.
  • Hold hands…a lot.
  • Write love notes and send cards in the mail to one another.
  • Bring home surprises for each another.
  • Date your spouse and when children arrive, date your children.
  • Check your pockets before putting your clothes in the wash.
  • Men, put the toilet seat down.
  • Divide cleaning responsibilities along with other household duties.
  • Take lots of time to talk and enjoy conversation.
  • Keep the TV and other devices out of or turned off in your bedroom.
  • Make your bedroom a special place where you end your day and then begin your day together.
  • No kids in your bedroom.
  • Remember that romance is not over once you’re married; it just began.
  • Always have at least one meal together every day, two if possible.
  • Keep complaining to a minimum; keep praise to a maximum.
  • Sit on the porch or deck together. No porch/deck? Build one.
  • Learn the skill of listening, not just talking.
  • Always construct in private.
  • When children arrive, remember they will be one of your most important contributions to your world; so treat them with love, respect, provide life-giving correction and don’t give them to someone else to raise.

There are more, but that’s for another time. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, History, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Training, Women

Is Marriage Christian?

Marriage is not Christian, per se; it is a creation act of God.  Marriage was His idea from the beginning, as the cultures and religions of the world marry.  But the evil one has provided numerous counterfeits for marriage, e.g., cohabitation, numerous ongoing sexual partners, dating with an ongoing emphasis of breaking up and hurting others.  Keep in mind, there can only be a counterfeit if there is a real. You and I were created for a very real relationship with God and others and yet it seems to be relationships that we struggle with the most.  

Ninety three percent of Americans rate having a happy marriage as one of the most important objectives in life.  In 1992, the number one aspiration of high schoolers was having a good marriage and family life.  College students today are desperate to have only one marriage.  Over 70% of adult Americans believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment that should not be ended unless under extreme circumstances.  Get this: 85% of divorced and separated persons still believe that marriage is for life.  

Then why is cohabitation so prevalent today?  There is no legal or social pressure today against cohabitation.  The latest census figures show four million couples (men and women and not same-sex couples) are living together.  That is 8 times as many couples as in 1970.  The slide started with less moral prohibition against premarital sex in our culture, which opened the door to living together unmarried.  The more culture practices the abnormal, the more normal it becomes, e.g., abortion, divorce, cohabitation, etc. Cohabitation is popular with the loss of the negative stigma, the lack of commitment, the lack of well-defined responsibilities and authority and it provides the idea of an easy exit when it does not work out.

But the human heart craves security, commitment and a marriage enforced by love and the law, as well as social custom.  We want and need love and a vow spoken to commitment is the strongest contract we have…called a covenant in the scriptures.  Covenant is stronger than contract.  Contracts are written to be broken.  Covenant, if broken under Old Testament law, was certain death.  Marriage is not the end of freedom; it is the beginning of freedom to join our hearts and sprits together to fulfill God’s mission together in becoming one.  It is not about loss of freedom in any form, but about gaining a partner to support and be supported, to trust and be trusted, to provoke to growth and to give life to family.

Marriage changes life, behavior, social standing, expectations, relationships, and even tax forms.  It is making decisions jointly and growing as a long-term team.  Marriage is like long-term care insurance.  It promises to remain strong in sickness and in health.  It is a partnership to protect, to share equally, to serve, to provide for the needs of one another without selfish demand.  

(Thanks to the book, A Case for Marriage, by Linda Waite; Maggie Gallagher for the above statistics.)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Singles, Women

Is Marriage as God Planned it Taking a Backseat to Pleasure? (A truth-filled Valentine’s message.)

A study was done by two sociologists named Renerus and Uecker.  They found that three-fourths of 18–23-year-old woman are in dating relationships of some kind – and 94% of those are sexually active.  They also found that these girls who were sexually active with multiple sex partners were about 11 times more likely than virgins to experience elevated depression symptoms.  They found men are typically in control of when the dating relationship begins, but women are in control of when sex begins, and it often begins earlier than they want.

Women today are the losers, especially if they desire to remain as virgins until they marry.  They are put into a bind in their pursuit of a lifelong relationship and feel pressured to “take what they can get” as they watch the pool of available men shrink around them.  Men, however, are unlikely to marry in their 20’s apart from a belief that they are called to marriage and fatherhood.  Their decision to delay makes sense from a sexual perspective: they can access sex relatively easily outside of marriage and face few social pressures to be any different.  They can also choose the option of cohabitation.

The Destruction of God’s Institution Called Marriage

What is all of this doing in our culture?  It is little by little eating away at the sanctity of marriage as God created it.  It is little by little replacing God’s design with a careless and convenient counterfeit.  And it is little by little destroying the moral fabric of our society.   

But it’s different for Christian young people, right?  Unfortunately, not so much, as we continue to see a moral slide there as well.  Young people are compromising God’s standard every day.  I think the number one factor is they do not know God’s word; they are biblically illiterate. They are not reading His word and making His boundaries their boundaries. They are listening more to their flesh, their peers, viewing lots of sexual images through media and Hollywood than they are listening to their pastor or spiritual mentor.  Scripture is very clear when it comes to sexual behavior outside of marriage and yet the message today seems to be “relax…God is relaxed.”  

An expert in the law once asked Jesus the question, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?”  Jesus responded by asking him, “What is written in the Law?  How do you read it?”  The man said that one was to love God with all his heart and love one’s neighbor as oneself.  Jesus then told him, “You have answered correctly…do this and you will live” (Luke 10:25-28).  Was Jesus actually affirming the teaching of the law?  Yes, He was, not as a means of gaining God’s approval or love, but as a means of identifying our sinfulness.

The sins of the Old Testament are the sins in the New Testament: we are not to have or worship any other gods; we are not to worship any type of idol; we are not to use the Name of our God in any unholy way; we are to remember the Sabbath and keep it a holy day; we are to honor our parents, not murder, not commit adultery, not steal, not lie and not covet what others have.  While there were many Jewish traditions (dietary restrictions, for example), for our discussion, we are looking at the Ten Commandments rather than the intricacies of rituals, i.e., dress, food, ceremonial washings, etc.  Is murder still wrong?  Is stealing still wrong?  Is adultery still wrong?  We can still go to jail for most of these sins in our society.  We must identify and accept our sinfulness to be healed from it.

Our justification does not come through the law; it comes through Christ (Romans 5:1).  The law cannot save us; it is by faith and through grace that we are saved (Ephesians 2:5, 8).  However, what we must understand and what is rarely taught today is that “where there is no law there is no transgression” (Romans 4:15).

What Exactly Were Those Boundaries?

The scriptures forbid sex with close relatives, including your mother, your father’s wife, your sibling, your daughter- or son-in-law, your aunt, and your brother- or sister-in-law.  Scripture also forbids having sexual intercourse with your neighbor’s wife or animals.  Finally, the scriptures say that a man is not to have sex with another man “as one lies with a woman” (Leviticus 18:6-22).  God ends this chapter with a stern warning: “Everyone who does any of these detestable things – such persons must be cut off from their people.  Keep my requirements and do not follow any of the detestable customs that were practiced before you came and do not defile yourselves with them.  I am the Lord your God” (Leviticus 18:29-30).

Chapter 20 of Leviticus discusses the punishment for such sin and reinforces that we need to consecrate ourselves to be holy because God is holy.  Additionally in this chapter, God warns about committing adultery with your neighbor, sleeping with your daughter-in-law, sex with animals, sexual relations with your siblings, your aunt, your brother’s wife, and again, “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable” (Leviticus 20:7-21). Under the Old Covenant law, the penalty for most of these sexual infractions was death. 

Jesus Takes It Further than the Law

The Law of Moses was certainly very strict.  However, in Matthew 5, Jesus also addresses several issues, taking them beyond the Old Testament law.  He reminded His listeners that the law said to not murder, but then He added, “Anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment” (verse 22).  He also affirmed that the law requires that no one commit adultery.  Jesus takes this law further by saying, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (verse 28).  Under the law, death was the requisite punishment for the act of adultery.  Under grace, Jesus speaks an even higher standard of purity by stating that we can commit adultery in our heart, and it is just as unlawful as the act itself.

A Better Way

God has a better plan.  He has our best interests in mind.  In the Old Testament, one of the priests’ areas of responsibility was to “teach [the] people the difference between the holy and the common and show them how to distinguish between the unclean and the clean” (Ezekiel 44:23).  It seems that ever since the fall of man recorded in Genesis 3, we think we have a better way than God and are out to prove Him wrong, except that we keep getting deeper and deeper into trouble.  We bend the rules further and further away from His moral code, and daily we suffer the consequences of those selfish choices.

Sexual brokenness is a worldwide epidemic, with human sex trafficking as the newest form of slavery to plague our world.  Our insatiable desire for “sexual freedom” has led us right back to slavery in order to feed our base desires.  How much more wicked can our world become than to take fellow human beings, sell them into the sex trade, and then discard them as though they were worthless?  The heart of God surely must be broken over such depravity.

If there is no line drawn for our culture, our nation and our lawmakers, then how do we make any activity illegal or abhorrent, a “crossing over the line,” if we do not uphold a standard that establishes that line to begin with?  That standard must come from outside of our personal desires and emotions, otherwise it becomes what is right for me and too bad for you.

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Challenge, History, Identity, Issues of the Day, Men

King of the Mountain

Did you ever play king of the mountain when you were a kid? It was especially fun on a mountain of snow. The idea is that someone, the king, is placed on top of the mound of dirt or snow and then all the other kids attempt to take him down and become king themselves. 

Not too long ago, there was a U.S. boxer that was king of the mountain for years. No one could defeat him. Eventually the ex-champ suffered far too many blows to his head. Before he passed he simply shuffled everywhere he walked while shaking profusely. Gone were the raised fist pumps, sculpted body and braggadocios attitude. 

During an interview with a reporter, he was quoted as saying, “I had the world, and it wasn’t nothin’. Look now.” This fighter did have the world along with the world’s attention. 

His name? Muhammad Ali. Ali won the world heavyweight championship three times. He appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine more times than any other athlete. 

Many years ago, I visited his training camp property that was for sale at the time. It was run down. Painted on the many rocks around the property were Ali’s famous sayings like, “float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.” He would often refer to himself as “The greatest.” Walking the property, I could just picture Muhammad in training sweats running around reading the words on those rocks and easily believing them.

When we push, claw and crawl our way to the top, everyone is eventually toppled; it’s an uncertain victory. Someone will ultimately make their way to the top where we are and be successful at throwing us back down the mountain. So be careful about displaying all those trophies and hanging all those ribbons. There’s so much to learn from Ali and many others stories like his who were once on top of the mountain. 

There was a King who left heaven, not to be king of the mountain, but rather to be a servant who suffered upon a cross on a hill named Golgotha. “Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:28)

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Challenge, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Is Your Marriage Growing Closer or Distancing?

Marriage relationships are typically gaining ground or losing ground, becoming closer or creating distance. Let me share a few examples:

A silence after a disagreement = distance

Boredom sets into the relationship = distance

Tension due to differing goals or desires = distance

The loss of intimacy or sexual oneness = distance

Unforgiveness = distance

What are some examples of growing in closeness?

Agreement with our budget = closeness financially

Praying together = closeness to God and one another

Maintaining date nights = closeness in fun and communication

Maintaining our physical oneness = intimacy closeness

Taking daily time to hear one another’s heart = closeness shared openly and honestly

We’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced times of deep connection in our marriage and times of boredom or discontent with our marriage. Sometimes life becomes mundane and we take our marriages for granted or we simply become lazy with finding time for each other, communicating and going out on a date. We let our sexual lives lapse as we prioritize so many other things in life over our own intimacy connections. 

When we feel distance in our relationship let’s call it out, expose it, confess it and work at getting back on track. Honest feelings shared can bring honest solutions. Allowing distance to grow makes it more difficult to return to closeness. 

Take some time to share several ways in which you can grow and maintain your closeness as a couple.

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Challenge, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Are You Play Deficient in Your Marriage?

You’re happily married. In fact, you’d do it all over again, right? But now there are so many intense responsibilities. Multiple others are depending upon you. Life is serious and you’re right in the middle of it with or without fun. 

Fun is now something you have to remind yourself of or, God forbid, actually plan. Play was so easy when we were merely engaged to be married. It came so naturally without much effort. Now it seems like we need to make it a goal for our marriage. 

The Bible tells us that laughter is like medicine. It’s true. Here are some of the medicinal effects laughter does for us: it’s a natural pain killer; it reduces blood pressure; it decreases depression and anxiety; it boosts the immune system; it’s just good for our mental, physical and spiritual health.

Let’s take it a step further. What is fun for you as a couple? What is energizing? What fun things replenish you? Discovering these things for us as individuals is great and necessary, but discovering them for our marriage is energizing for a play deficient marriage. 

Perhaps you’re in a stage of marriage where you are raising young children. Fun with them as parents is important, but taking time for the two of you is just as important. Or, maybe you’re at a stage where you’re spending a lot of time together. Be sure to plan fun activities so boredom does not set in. 

My wife and I had nonchalantly driven by a local Harley Davidson factory for many years and then we found out they offer free tours. Wow, what a fun morning that was. We live in a farming community. We discovered one of the large farming operations in our area offers daily tours. It was fun to see this operation up front and close. Museums, libraries, flea markets, yard sales, antique shops, an unplanned overnight, reading a joke book, funny YouTube videos, or coffee shops can all be inviting places of fun. 

Fun does not have to be expensive or days away. It needs to show up daily in your marriage. Study your spouse and find out what makes them laugh. Then go for it. It will build something refreshing in your marriage. 

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