Category Archives: Parents

Challenge, Healing, In the news, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Why are We so Anger Centric Today?

Anger seems to be the go-to emotional reaction in so many areas of our lives these days.

We’re angry at our boss. We’re angry at our spouse, our kids, our parents, our neighbor. We’re angry at the politician, the news reporter, our electric company, and the sports team we follow. Where does it stop and why is anger one of the quickest emotions we gravitate toward?

No one is born angry. We interpret our environment, the conversation, the lies we’re being told or the noncaring response of our boss as anger producing. We’re living in and with a short-fused society, as if anger is the magic pill to help us obtain what we think we need.

Normally, anger occurs when we experience a blocked goal; a desired outcome is unrealized because someone or something is in our way. Roadblocks are not necessarily bad. Sometimes they keep us from a more dangerous situation. And yet, in anger we want to blow up the roadblock. 

But let’s not be naïve; there actually is good anger – righteous anger if you will. And there is the not-so-good anger: anger related to selfish ambition. One is desiring what God desires and one is full of selfish motive or personal gain, i.e., wanting what we want. Righteous anger is rooted in what is best for another. Selfish anger is rooted in what is best for me.

Think about the last time you became angry. Was there a blocked goal? Who or what was blocking it? How did you respond? Was the anger there to protect another (for example, your child) or was it there to protect yourself? 

When we with little thought emotionally turn to anger, we forfeit the opportunity for process and often personal growth. If my wife does something that blocks my goal I can yell at her and then use anger to “push” her out of my way. Or, I can stop, take a time out and pursue a conversation about the blocked goal. As I listen to my wife and then process with her, I or she can discover what the need or desire is. We can then pursue it together. 

The prescription for long-term or short-term anger is given to us by Jesus. He had one answer and one answer only: forgive as you have been forgiven (Matthew 6: 14, 15 and Ephesians 4:32). There is no other way. Forgiving brings freedom, it releases anger and it can help bring reconciliation. Forgiveness is medicine to your heart and your soul. Forgiveness releases the captive bound by anger, primarily you.

Forgiveness is not saying what was a wrong toward you is now right; it’s saying that you release the person who hurt or offended you because you also need forgiveness. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Politics, Women

The U.S. Elections and the Rhetoric We Are Having to Endure on Social Media

It is exhausting reading ridiculous comments, seeing memes that are utterly ludicrous, red hats, blue maps, movie stars bizarre comments about leaving the country (of which none ever do), one-sided news reports, critical judgements, spiteful words and extremely distasteful posts void of truth, love, or grace. 

I have read posts from those who now distance themselves from “conservatives” and/or “liberals” because of a candidate they support or don’t support. Their personal judgements of others leave them at odds with those they do not agree with. Parents and adult children are being affected in a negative way. Families cannot gather without a fight over which political candidates they despise and far worse, not seeing how it’s tearing them apart. 

I also witness people from other nations who are engaging in the exact same tactics over U.S. politics. They are jumping on the bandwagon of name-calling, character assassinations and spewing harsh words often at Christ’s church in America because of who they suppose the church is supporting.

If you are a part of this style of communication, I urge you to please STOP. You are NOT changing anyone’s mind with your snarky attitude, your posts, and your “truth.” Instead, you are falling right into the enemy’s hands and have become his mouthpiece for he is the one who has come to steal, kill and destroy (divide). You are attempting to intimidate and control others with your personal political agenda. I want to urge you to stop being a part of the problem so that you can start being a part of the solution! 

Being a part of the solution means that you can speak the truth in love, void of critical judgements, negative overtones, intimidation, and that you can disagree while still being in relationship. You must decide that your relationship is more important than the political disagreement. Why? Because your disrespect of others and their beliefs will not cause them to respect you and your beliefs. You may get a few stray “likes” from those who always agree with you, but is that worth the loss of your friends who think or believe differently than you?

Jesus loves His church; He does not hate His church. He is not angry with His church. He died for that politician who you may strongly disagree with. The presidential candidates running for office in the U.S. are loved by Him and one of them will be placed into office. Remove the names and you have two persons Jesus gave His life for. Is He not capable to massage the heart of the one He allows in office?

If you are unable to honor the position of president and/or the one in office, how can you honor the King of the kingdom of God (See John 18:36.)? The Bible challenges us by stating, “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.” (I Peter 2:17; See also Romans 13:1.)

Peter would deny His Lord not once, not twice, but three times. Jesus warned him of this denial and yet our Lord loved him, did not reject him, call him names, or ridicule him. He would in fact use him mightily in spite of his personal shortcomings. Catch these verses: 

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” (Luke 22:31)

Satan was using Peter, but he would “turn back.” Satan wants to use you in the same way. Stop being distracted by all the political rhetoric. There is no joy, no peace and no life in it. You and I are called to rise above the fray, the noisy nonsense and ‘see’ (pray toward) what our Father is actually doing in the midst of a chaotic election season. We are called to pray for the nations and their leaders. You and I are here to support His church, to build His church, to speak life over His church. We are not here to tear it down or to tear it apart. 

We are building an everlasting kingdom, not the kingdoms of this world. Let’s stop speaking, writing, and arguing like we have the final word. We do not; He does.

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” (John 13:34)

“If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar.” (I John 4:20)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Raising Your Pain Tolerance; The Good Part of Pain (Part III)

We were created to feel pain. Pain in our body is an indicator, a warning that something needs medical attention or intervention. Pain is often a danger signal. It forces a response from us. 

Unfortunately, most persons fear pain, especially emotional pain. Think of losing that loved one, the engagement breakup, or the loss of a job. Often we try to avoid pain; it’s just too, simply put, painful. Perhaps God desires to take us through it? 

Is it really the fear of what happens in our life or is it the fear of the pain that follows significant and pain-filled life experiences that we would rather avoid? 

In this blog, I want us to consider how pain helps to build some very important things in each of us and how it requires our attention. 

God never wastes pain in our lives: Every leader in the Bible went through traumatic and painful experiences. Think of Joseph, Job and Daniel. No Christ follower was or is exempt of pain. God uses it to build us spiritually, emotionally and physically. He builds character through pain-filled life experiences. He often allows tests through those areas where we are weak. Pain produces in us more self-awareness and self-knowledge. If we listen to it, we will learn and grow. Why? Because pain is a strengthener. Seasoned leaders have learned to use the pain in their lives to strengthen their leadership abilities. 

Pain is a strengthener: Pain makes us stronger and tougher. Think of the weightlifter. As they push against the pain, they are building muscle mass. Resistance is a strengthener.  Pain is a precursor to healing. We tend to push against pain, but the pain we can tolerate will strengthen us for the next painful situation we find ourselves in. When we persevere, endure and grow through the pain, it is strengthening us. You will handle pain more effectively in the future. You will handle life challenges more efficiently. 

Pain keeps us humble: It builds humility in us by causing us to be less prideful and more real. We often tend to think well of ourselves and sorry for that poor person who is suffering. Pain lets us know it CAN happen to us. It CAN be a reality check. Pain in our lives will help to build compassion and empathy for others. It hopefully builds a greater sense of love for others and what they go through in life. Often we are looking for empathy because we want significant persons in our lives to know we’re in pain. We need them to notice and to “give us a break.” But God is working humility in our lives.

Pain can be self-inflicted: If it is self-inflicted through our reckless mistakes, then we suffer the consequences and learn from those mistakes. But sometimes pain is self-inflicted because we need to recover from surgery, lose weight or grow in more grace-filled responses. This self-inflicted pain for growth is a positive pain that produces a greater good in our lives. 

Pain teaches self-discipline: We need discipline in our lives. We need boundaries. If we suffered from the lack of control in some area of life, the pain of self-discipline can get us back on track. When we fail in a life discipline or goal, it is not a bad thing to suffer pain. This form of pain can teach us to readjust or plan another strategy. 

Pain grows leadership qualities: The more pain we work through, the greater level of pain tolerance we will experience. The greater level of pain tolerance we grow, the greater level of leadership capacity we will grow. Low tolerance…the lower level of leadership.

Pain draws boundaries: When someone is abusing you, it is appropriate to draw a boundary. Pain inflicted upon us for selfish gain or gratification should cause a healthy reaction of setting a boundary from that unhealthy person. Pain will sharpen your senses and cause a greater alertness to yourself and to others. 

Further, to go through personal pain we will appreciate the non-painful times more. We will appreciate pleasure and happiness more. When we suffer the pain of heartache, we will appreciate even more the deep and joyful feeling of love. If we go to great lengths to avoid pain, we might miss what God is wanting to build in our lives. 

Take responsibility for the pain in your life. Long-term victims remain long-term victims by blaming others for their pain. While others have inflicted the pain, at some point we will have to face it and mature through it rather than blaming others. The longer we blame others for our pain, the longer we can stay stuck in our pain.

One day there will be no more pain. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

Until then, “…We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.” (Romans 5:3)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Prayer, Women

Praying for Our Adult Children

It was one thing to have prayed for our children as they were growing up in our home under our direct influence, but it is another praying for our adult children, especially if they no longer hold the same values we as parents do. We may have raised them with one set of values and they may choose to live by another set of values. 

Our children grew up in our home with the consistent example of seeing, hearing, and experiencing faith-believing prayer. We prayed for and about everything. We wanted them to know that even though their parents could not meet all of their needs, there was Someone who could. Children need a model of prayer which causes them to “seek first the kingdom of God.”

Today, as we pray for our adult children and their children, we still desire to see changes in their lives. As minor children, we could force some changes; we had that level of control. As adults we can only influence change through prayer and any open door they will give us. Very few persons desire our advice without them first asking for it, including our children. 

Praying for our adult children is our first line of defense and offense. It is not inaction. Prayer is not secondary; it is not lacking any other answer; it must be our go-to move first and foremost. Prayer is our lifeline to our Father as He works on behalf of our children. Prayer helps to keep the focus off of what we can do or feel the need to do and places it upon what Holy Spirit is doing in our lives and theirs. Prayer, giving our cares over to God, helps to keep our hearts at peace and free from anxiety.

We pray for them and we let them know we are praying for them. If you have opportunity, you can even let them know what and how you are praying. So, how do we pray?

Ask your Father to place the right person(s) in their lives at the right time. 

Ask Him to be in their dreams, in the music they listen to and in the media they watch. Ask Him to show up in multiple ways.

Pray for their workplace, their families, their finances, and their safety.

Pray scriptures over them. God’s word sent in prayer is a powerful tool. Pray peace over them.

Pray for God’s purposes to be fulfilled and the passions He placed on their hearts to be realized. 

Pray for their spiritual ears to hear His still small voice. 

If your children are asking for prayer, no request is too small or too large. If your children are not asking for prayer, maybe even are antagonistic toward prayer, choose not to be offended. Don’t back away from loving and accepting them. Do not choose hurt; choose the relationship any way you can get it, even if it feels shallow. Surface or fragile relationships are better than no relationship or broken relationships. Continually, in every way you can, reinforce your unconditional love as their parents. 

“The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16) Your prayers make a difference.

I thank you, heavenly Father, that You are working in my son/daughter’s life each and every day. I thank You that Holy Spirit does not leave them or forsake them. I am grateful that You are loving them in a way that I cannot right now. I am grateful that regardless of what they’re saying or doing, You are drawing them to Yourself. Father, You gave them birth, they are Yours and You love them in far greater measure than I can. I commit them to Your love, to Your care. In Jesus’ name.

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Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Conflicts in Marriage and How to Resolve Them

Conflicts–we all have them. Can you recall your last conflict with your spouse or your child? 

At the core and simply stated, you desired one thing and the other party desired another. You may have wanted something good, but the goal was blocked by the disagreement. It can be a daily occurrence. 

How do you personally resolve a conflict? How did your parents resolve a conflict or perhaps they didn’t? We tend to follow in their footsteps whether we like it or not. 

First, let’s establish this: conflict in marriage is not wrong. Not resolving conflict is wrong. Conflict that brings us to a solution can be a good thing as long as we honor one another in the process. When conflict turns meanspirited or resorts to name calling and uncontrolled anger, we have crossed a line. 

Here are five steps you can take to help you bring a conflict to a resolve:

  • Understand / Discover

Understand that any two individuals will from time to time come into conflict.  Understanding means listening and not just wanting to be understood. Discover what the conflict is and then identify each person’s understanding of the problem, as well as what goals are blocked by this difference.

  • Set Aside Time; The Right Time

Set aside time to deal with the conflict. When emotions are out of control, take time to step back, calm down, think and then come back together. (The use of a key phrase that signals we will come back together within a specified period of time to deal with the problem can be advantageous, e.g., “We need a cup of coffee.”) The right time is when we are not reacting but rather responding without an inordinate amount of emotion.

  • Agreement and Staying on the Subject

Discover areas that you are in agreement as well as the areas of disagreement. Stay on the subject which represents the immediate conflict. Do not allow the conflict to wander off into other unrelated areas of disagreement.

  • Appreciate and Identify the Needs

Appreciate your spouse’s opinion and what they add to the process. When you value the ideas and feelings of your partner, you value that person. Allow for the needs of each partner to be met. When needs are met, conflict can be resolved and goals can be reached.

  • Explore the Options and Move Toward a Solution 

Explore options of resolution and move toward a solution. Prayer is a vital part of exploring the options and moving toward a solution. Take the time to not only listen to each other, but to the Lord as well.

James 4: 1 and 2 tells us that we fight and argue, trying to get what we want from each other. James then profoundly states we do not get what we want because we do not ask God. 

Your choice – fight and argue or pray and agree.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Identity, Marriage, Parents

The Primary Role of Parents

Parents do a lot of things day in and day out and are some of the busiest persons on the face of the earth. Few envy the parent of a toddler or the parent of a wayward teen. Parents give more than most humans in any relationship; it’s how we’re built. 

Could we establish one thing from the onset and a truth that bears repeating to others? God gave children to parents. He did not ask school teachers, counselors, the local church or government to parent those we give birth to. That role was given to two select persons, a mother and a father.

As mothers and fathers, we’re teachers, therapists, nurses, singers, coaches, and disciplinarians. It is a never-ending and grueling job that calls for faith, patience, energy and lots and lots of unconditional love. 

But what is the primary role of a parent? Of the necessary and endless things we teach our children and the thousands of dollars we spend to feed, cloth, educate and care for our kids, what is priority number one? 

My wife and I spent 25 years raising children and we loved it. We embraced each and every year. We determined that there were no “terrible twos” or necessary rebellious teenage years. It was our goal to raise happy, healthy, obedient kids who knew Whose they were and who they were. Everything we did with and for our children we did intentionally with God’s direction and help.

Discovering the number one area came to me after a major mistake I made in my parenting. My son wanted to watch a certain TV show that we felt was dishonoring of family, especially fathers. We told him that we would not participate in that program and why. He then told us when he would leave our home he would watch it and furthermore, he couldn’t wait to leave!

Now I knew why I wanted to leave my parents, but why on earth would he want to leave his? He had his own room. We loved him. We loved God. We loved each other. For heaven’s sake, we bought him Nike sneakers and Levi jeans!

God whispered in my ear, “I gave him to you to leave you one day. It’s not a matter of will he leave, but HOW he will leave. And, by the way, I didn’t give him to you so that you could build you in him. I gave him to you so that you could build Me in him.”

I thought I was a pretty good guy. Why wouldn’t my son want to be like me? 

Herein is the primary role when parenting your children, “He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone (our children) fully mature in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28) 

Stop building yourself in your child and start building Christ. It is our primary role as a parent. Your child can do all things through Christ, but our parenting has its limits.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Marriage, Parents, Prayer

Praying for Our Children

If you are a parent, you realize you can come to the end of yourself very quickly. While parents have huge capacity levels, there is no way any parent has all the vitality, all the answers and all the correct responses for their children’s inquisitive minds and endless energy. 

My wife and I quickly realized the older our children became the more complicated parenting became. It just doesn’t get easier with age. 

However, we never believed in the “terrible twos” or the “rebellious teen years.” We simply didn’t accept that it was guaranteed we would go through those times. In fact, we decided to have the “terrific twos” and the “compliant teen years.”

Being totally honest, raising children is the most rewarding job while at the same time, the most difficult and challenging job. It is not for the faint of heart. A parent must never give up or tire of keeping the boundaries straight. Parents must remain parents at all times and not peers. 

So, what’s the secret weapon in growing happy, healthy, productive, focused and disciplined kids? Wow, that’s a million-dollar question. I do have one answer. PRAYER!

Yes, faith in Someone much more capable than you; Someone more loving and patient than you and Someone far more knowledgeable than you are a must as a parent. That’s why I wrote the Praying for Your Children prayer tract. It is filled with scriptures to pray over your children at multiple stages of their lives. 

Praying God’s word builds faith for your children. It builds your faith. God’s word has so much to say about children–as the first Parent should–and who they are becoming. And when praying the scriptures over your children, your prayers can’t miss. They will hit the target and your children will respond. 

Our adult children are still requesting prayer from us as parents, mostly for their children. Why? Because they know we prayed and we pray for them. 

Here are a few example scriptural prayers:

Even when I am old . . . do not forsake me, my God,

till I declare your power to the next generation: …………. Psalm 71:18

My children shall be mighty on the earth, wealth 

        and riches are in my house…………………………………… Psalm 112:2-3

My son shall be like a well-nurtured plant and my daughter 

        like a pillar carved to adorn a palace………………….. Psalm 144:12-13

God will give my children a heart to know Him—they will 

        return with all their heart……………………………………….. Jeremiah 24:7

There are 65 more scriptures just like these. Where can you locate this valuable prayer tract? Right here.

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Challenge, Encouragement, History, Men, Parents, Women

Growing Creative Ideas and Inventions

I have never seen myself as an artist or very creative. That is, until people began commenting that some of my hobbies are very artistic and creative. It actually surprised me, in a good way of course. 

The lightbulb has become a symbol of creativity or ideas. Creativity with invention symbolizes ingenuity. 

A friend of mine quilts scenes from a picture.The headboard is my design.

Thomas Edison was a record-setting creative inventor who has 1,093 different inventions. On one single day in 1888 he recorded 112 different ideas. He patented something every eleven days. When he died, it is said that 15 billion dollars of the national economy was a result of his innovations alone. He employed thousands of people who became known as his “muckers.” 

We use many of the items, or variations thereof, that Edison invented to this day. Items like: the phonograph, the kinetoscope (an early motion picture device), the dictating machine, the alkaline battery, the electric meter, a sap extractor, a talking doll, rock crushers, electric pens, and a tornado proof house. 

The Creator of our world gives us the ability to create. His gifts are given to us to use for the benefit of others, for income to feed our family, for teaching and instructing others (multiplying our gifts), but ultimately for His glory and His purposes.

A baseball bat headboard created by my son-in-law for my grandson.

Exodus 35:35 reveals, “He has filled them with skill to do all kinds of work as engravers, designers, embroiderers in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and fine linen, and weavers–all of them skilled workers and designers.” 

We each have a level of creativity and design because we each have a Designer. We are created in the image of the Designer. “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:10)

Funny thing though, Edison did not invent the lightbulb. Incandescent lights began in 1761. Edison prided himself in making things better–perfecting them. His first patent did not come until 1869, an electronic vote recorder. But Edison did create a lightbulb that would burn for hours, prolonging daylight on the street and in the factories.

What are those gifts He has deposited within you that others confirm in your life? Make your world a better place by using those gifts for His honor and His glory.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Parents, Pornography

Children and Pornography – It’s Traumatizing Effects

According to the research, most children are exposed to pornography by age 11. Many are exposed accidentally on the internet and many are exposed by coming into contact with their parents’ pornographic material. Those who are sexual predators specifically target young children via porn for the purpose of exploitation. 

A friend of mine told me he was only nine years of age when a friend shared his grandfather’s stash of porn with him found in their barn.

The Effects of Seeing Pornography as a Child

Children do not possess the emotional or cognitive capacity to assimilate pornography in any form. Children report feeling embarrassment, shock, fear, anger, overwhelming sadness and repulsion after being exposed to porn. Young children who view pornography are more likely to sexually assault their peers and siblings. 

According to the American College of Pediatrics, “Consumption of pornography is associated with many negative emotional and psychological…outcomes. These include increased rates of depression, anxiety, acting out and violent behavior…sexual promiscuity…and a distorted view of relationships between men and women. For adults, pornography addiction results in an increased likelihood of divorce which is also harmful to children.”

When my friend was around age 12 he and his friends hid pornographic magazines in their tree house. He said, “We would invite girls into our tree house so we could act out what we saw in the magazines.”

Pornography use as teenagers distorts their view of healthy sexuality and seriously affects, in multiple negative ways, personal relationships. Pornography use fosters the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal and that sexual abstinence is abnormal. Teenagers involved in pornography have difficulty forming lasting, healthy opposite sex relationships which results in higher rates of poor self-images. 

How is Pornography Harming Our Children?

Children viewing pornography are severely harming their brain development. Young, developing minds are hypersensitive to stimuli. That means children can form habits, both positive and negative, very quickly. 

A child’s view of sexuality as normative between husband and wife is ruined by pornography. Pornography presents anything but normality. For young boys, it makes girls an object. Children are taught that sexuality is all about them. It can be violent in nature and it teaches that sex should be expected in a relationship.

Pornography use creates a secretive lifestyle which promotes hiding, lying, and denial. Viewing pornography removes the child from necessary play activities. It can be sleep disruptive. It will reduce scholastic performance by stealing time from school work. 

Viewing pornography increases other unhealthy, abnormal behaviors like sexting. Children learn and grow by mimicking the behavior they see and experience. While children are naturally inclined to explore their bodies, pornography will take them far beyond any natural exploration. 

What You Can Do

  • Talk to your children about pornography. Ask lots of questions. Be persistent.
  • Place a program on your computer that aggressively withholds access to pornography. 
  • Remove data access on their smartphones.
  • Talk to your children about their peers and what they might be exposing your child to.
  • Be calm about discussing the topic and reassure your child of your love no matter what they say.
  • If your child confesses use to you, thank them for their honesty.
  • Work at not placing more shame or judgement upon them. 
  • Find resources to help you as the parent and your child. Talk to your pastor and your local church counselor. Ask for recommendations to help your child and yourself. 

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Pornography, Women

View It; Just Don’t Do It?

There is not one alcoholic who ever thought their first drink would lead to alcoholism and yet it can.

When did you first view pornography? Was it with friends or were you by yourself? Was it planned or did it happen inadvertently? Did you then desire to look again and again and again?

Viewing pornography repeatedly causes one to lose control. Control of what?

  • Control of our thought life.
  • Control of our eyes.
  • Control of the spirit of lust.
  • Control of the lies one uses to cover up the practice.
  • For some, the loss of financial control. 
  • Control of our sexual lives.

Do you really want to lose control over your life through an addiction? Do you really want to destroy your marriage? Do you want to open the door to porn use for your children? 

When we allow a perversion into our home, we give the evil one freedom to destroy our home. We will be opening the door to ruined relationships and quite possibly a ruined family. 

Confess your need for help to your pastor or a counselor and receive intervention. Pornography is not something God hands you; it is something the devil himself hands you. 

The ongoing viewing of pornography will not take you where God desires you to go. God treasures your heart; He wants to dwell there and remove the trash the enemy has handed you. Pornography viewing is beneath who you are and Whose you are.

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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