Category Archives: Postmarital

Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

Ten Essentials to Keep Your Marriage Thriving

As my wife and I celebrate our fiftieth year of marriage, we have learned there are seasons to this union—those that are celebratory, those that seem boring, and those that are gasping for air. From our perspective, here are ten essentials to keep your marriage on track and thriving. I call them the Ten Commandments of marriage.

1. Love God above All Else

To love your spouse, your children, or yourself above God is simply incorrect. Jesus said we are to love God with all of our heart, mind, and soul and then love our neighbor as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:37). We could say that your “closest neighbor” is actually your spouse. Note, however, that loving our neighbor comes after— “and then…”—loving God.

Did you catch that “as you love yourself” part? To be able to love another deeply, we must first know the love of God for ourselves. Unless we know and fully understand that He is madly in love with us, that we are fulfilled in His acceptance and know His approval, we will lack in our love toward our spouse.

Paul says it this way: “No one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:29). You cannot hate yourself while at the same time claim to love your mate. You and your spouse are one.

2. Do Not Be Self-Consumed or Walk in Selfish Ambition

Selfish ambition leads one to focus on his or her own interests, needs, and desires, often at the expense of others. It reflects immaturity and will kill a marriage faster than almost anything else. Selfish ambition is defined in the Bible as acting on your own for your own greater good, being interested only in yourself, being filled with vain conceit, and not walking in humility.

To the contrary, we are strictly commanded to be like Christ, who became a servant. Even though He was God, He did not chase after that equality but gave up His divine privileges by taking the human nature and giving of Himself to the point of death on the cross (Philippians 2:3-8).

Are you looking for ways to serve your spouse every day? Marriage is not a fifty-fifty deal. It requires a 100% devotion to serve and care for the other first. Marriage exposes how self-centered we are. This reality has the potential to destroy our relationship but also exposes our need to change. Marriage is not about me or having my needs met but rather asking God to help me partner with Him in blessing my spouse.

3. Love Her or Him and Make Your Partner Holy

Did you know that you could help make your spouse holy? It is explained right there in the Bible. 1 Corinthians chapter 7 says that a believing spouse can sanctify an unbelieving one.

You can only imagine how a believing spouse can bless, sanctify, and edify his or her believing spouse. When we become our spouse’s cheerleader, even when they feel as though they are losing the game, we help build them up to increase their faith for a better future. Far too many individuals see themselves as their spouse’s critic. This destroys their emotional connection. Criticism does not motivate; love does. We are called to speak the truth in a love-filled manner and ensure that our speech is full of grace (Ephesians 4:15).

Because of the Proverbs 31 woman and who she was, her husband found himself sitting at the gate, a respected elder of his city. As you reflect God to one another, you will build holiness in one another.

4. Play Together

Can you remember all the fun things you did while dating? Are you still laughing together—really laughing? Marriage must be fun. If it was not meant to be fun, then God would not have created it.

What has happened with humor in your relationship? Where did it go since children came along or all the medical bills came due? Boredom is simply unacceptable within marriage. If we can predict a daily routine, then we have lost spontaneity and excitement. We have allowed tedium, dullness, and monotony to set in.

Break that cycle by bringing home flowers, sending a card to your spouse’s workplace, turning the stove off and running out for Chinese food or playing a game that is not too competitive. Watch one of your favorite funny movies and laugh again. Regularly search for local happenings that you can attend together—just for fun. Recently, Mary and I attended a local “bridge bust” and then laughed the whole way home about how it truly was a “bust.”

Finally, make a list of fun and creative things to do together and prioritize them; you will never regret it. Proverbs reminds us that a merry heart has medicinal purposes, so make fun a priority (Proverbs 17:22).

5. Honor One Another

Honor one another… now that’s a tough one! Perhaps the number one way to show honor to your mate is to freely give him or her your time. That requires giving your spouse priority over yourself, your work, and your children.

Honor is saying that, next to my relationship with God, you are the most important person in my life. We need to continually honor with our words and back those words up with actions and respect. We must regularly tell our spouse we love them and then demonstrate that love through honor. If we do not demonstrate honor, our words will fall to the ground, meaningless.

In honor, we pray for and with our spouse regularly. To communicate with God together is the most intimate thing you can be involved in. To honor God by bringing your marriage requests before Him will build more honor, admiration, and affirmation into your relationship.

6. Maintain Your Sexual Love

Love does not come as natural for men as it seems to for women. Women excel in this area, while men grow into this area. However, men would see themselves as excelling in sex. But sex without the love factor… well, it is just sex. And sex without relationship is lust.

God planned the boundaries of sex to be within marriage. The enemy of our soul has planned for all sex to be outside of marriage. Pornography has turned sexual intimacy into something we take while God’s plan has always been that sex is something we give. Which one provides the most satisfaction? Which one is the most love filled? Which one comes with commitment?

Maintaining our sexual love is another way to honor God and one another. Within marriage, we need to be reminded that our body is not ours; it belongs to our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:2-5). A healthy sexual life flows out of a healthy love life. Your sex life as a couple is often a picture of the rest of your marriage. Life is birthed out of our sexual intimacy as a couple.

7. Change Yourself First 

Very few people like the word “change.” It conjures thoughts of having to give in, give up, or surrender to the will of another. Our thinking might go something like this, “If I change first, then he/she will change, and that is what I really want to see.”

I can assure you, it does not work that way. We change because God is asking us to change, showing us a deficit in our life. We change because it’s best for our relationship. We change because we are motivated for our own reasons to make that change. However, if we change solely based upon what another desires, it will not be a lasting change. In the end, we will resent the one who has required change from us.

Growing up, growing closer as a couple, and growing closer to God requires our openness to change for the better. As I take responsibility for personal change, my marriage will change for the better.

8. Ask God Rather Than Fight 

Learning this one can take years of marriage practice. Once again, it is connected to prayer.

All too frequently, especially when we are in the early years of marriage, we “know” that we are right. And, if we are right, it automatically follows that our spouse is wrong. And, if our spouse is wrong, we win the fight, right? Wrong! If one of us loses, we both lose. Why? Because we are one.

If we are one in spirit, then it’s no longer “you” against “me.” In other words, Steve is Mary and Mary is Steve. Only one person came back down the aisle after you spoke your vows. If you are fighting and arguing to win, then you are already losing. James asks the question, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” (James 4:1). Fortunately, James also provides an answer. He wisely says, “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2).

Yes, it is really that simple. The choice is ours: fighting and arguing or praying and walking in agreement.

9. Engage in Co-Mission Together

How is God’s wisdom seen in the bringing of you and your spouse together? What are the redemptive purposes for your marriage relationship? What is your “why?”

These questions should lead you to discover what we call our marriage co-mission. More than likely, your workplace or local church place has a clearly stated mission. Why wouldn’t the first institution God created—marriage—also have a mission?

Knowing your co-mission is not difficult. Think about all the things the two of you are involved in and write those things down. Now combine the items that you are involved in together, like raising your children, teaching the youth group, or owning and maintaining your home. Begin to write your mission paragraph with your co-mission items, dreams, and visions for the future. This co-mission statement might change over the years, but it will continually give you the purpose of your call together.

A marriage mission statement provides the why of your marriage. It is the glue of your calling as a couple and provides commitment to a long-term marriage promise.

10. Use the Nine Most Important Words in Marriage

The nine most important words of marriage can take years of maturing to find and even longer to say. These words mean business. They are free of pride. They require a humble spirit. They require us to release our ego and admit wrong.

The nine most important words of marriage have instant medicinal effect. They bring healing. These words can initiate change, help you start over, and keep you from going back to an old pattern. When thoughtfully and truthfully communicated, these words are some of the most powerful words in the marriage relationship. If you will learn them, practice them, and speak them to one another, they will be a lifeline of healing and wisdom.

What are these nine most important words in marriage?

I am sorry; I was wrong. Please forgive me.

An apology, admitting we are wrong, and asking for forgiveness is an act of humility. It involves taking responsibility for mistakes. Forgiveness is s gift of God we desperately need to participate in frequently. There is too much at stake in a marriage relationship to not seek and offer genuine, heart-felt forgiveness.

There you have it: ten commandments to a lasting, prosperous, forgiving, loving, honoring, and fun-filled marriage. What a great gift God has given you in your spouse! Thank God and thank your spouse for that gift of love daily.

Learn More about Marriage: a lifelong affair

What’s next for your marriage? Staying Together is a unique book that’s been written by authors Steve and Mary Prokopchak. Whether it’s communication, trust, or sex; money, loss, or mission; kids, jobs, or insecurities, Staying Together has insight on how to navigate waters when they’re rough and better enjoy them when they’re smooth. Now is the time to make sure you’re in a marriage that’s not just surviving, but thriving.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Training, Women

The Power of a Kiss

You’re married and I’m optimistic that you’re still kissing and hugging. If you’re not, can you remember back when that’s all you desried to do while dating or engagement? How frequently are you connecting with an embrace and a kiss?

The Gottman Institute conducted a study on how long it takes the brain to release the chemical oxytocin initiated by a kiss or a hug. Here are the results:

A kiss – held six seconds

A hug – held twenty seconds

That’s it. Now try it. Yes, give it a whirl. Go ahead; give it a try and test the study!

That’s a long kiss and a lengthy hug, but something happens. Perhaps you laughed. Maybe you smiled inside or initially found it uncomfortable. Whatever the feeling, this study proved that couples who continue to kiss, hug and be affectionate live four years longer than those who do not. What follows are some additional facts from their study.

What the six second kiss can do for you

  • It can build a ritual of connection. 
  • It can be a physical connection.
  • If your partner has initiated, then it’s turning toward your partner.
  • It boosts fondness and appreciation.
  • It builds appreciation between you.

And it can:

  • add to your emotional bank account.
  • boost your positives ratio’s.
  • lead to sexual attraction.
  • be self-soothing.
  • reduce cortisol (the “stress” hormone) and boost oxytocin (the “love” hormone).

Sometimes words fail us. At other times, we’re just missing each other. The six second kiss and the longer hug will reconnect us. It says, “I still love you, am attracted to you and need you.” You can say more to one another in six seconds of silent kissing, than you can in hour of argument.

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Challenge, Healing, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Bringing Laughter into Your Marriage

My wife and I love to laugh. We’ll catch Funniest Home Videos whenever we can. I take the time to show her funny YouTube videos or share memes that cause a chuckle. Why? 

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
    but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22)

Laughter brings joy to a marriage. It breaks down tension and relaxes the atmosphere. Laughter is medicinal to the soul, the spirit and the body. Laughter is physically, emotionally, and spiritually good for your marriage. 

Have you ever asked your spouse these questions? “What made you laugh today?” Or how about, “What’s the funniest memory you have in our marriage?” Bringing laughter into your marriage can help move us from a stale place, an angry place or a disappointed place to a place of smiles and positive emotions. 

Mary and I recently recalled one of the funniest times in our marriage. It was years ago when our kids were teenagers and we had just dropped off our daughter for a church activity. We noticed that all the lights were on at the brand-new Burger King in our town. There was traffic and people were inside eating. We decided on a hamburger dinner. It was strange though…

As we entered, the new manager offered us champaign. We made our way to the line to order and the kids behind the counter offered anything we wanted, any menu item for FREE. I said, “Free, are you sure?” “Yes” said the attendant. She then countered, “Order all you want, even dessert; it’s all free!” I immediately leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear, “We need to call our boys; they’ll show them how to do free.”

Mary went for our drinks while I grabbed a table. Within minutes she came running to find me. Looking straight at me with this horrid face of doom and speaking rapidly, but very quietly, said, “Steve, every person here is a parent of a kid who’s going to work here. It’s free because they are giving them opportunity to serve in real time to their families.” And then she added, “We have got to get out of here before someone asks us which of our kids will be working here!”

We gobbled our food down and hightailed it out of there. We found ourselves laughing for the next thirty minutes. We even woke up our sleeping daughter that night as we lay in our bed laughing out loud.

Laughing together will bring you closer; you’ll touch more and talk more. A conversation full of laughter is more intimate and will bring down your guard, creating an atmosphere of more openness.

Laughter– it’ll do your marriage good!

Our mouths were filled with laughter,
    our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
    “The Lord has done great things for them.” (Psalm 126:2)

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Maintaining Sexual Boundaries Within our Marriages and Ministries

It’s easy to cross a line today that should not be crossed, but has anyone ever sat you down and told you what some of those lines are? Most likely not. 

This blog is directed toward the male* leader who finds it confusing when complimented on his looks, clothes, his message or his ministry. Or who is responsible to provide counsel and input to such persons? How does one respond to such persons that offer compliments, especially if they are coming from an attractive woman? How can you not be drawn toward or read more into those words that are so flattering and meant specifically for you? 

(*Note: If you are a female pastoral leader to whom these principles will also apply, feel free to substitute the opposite gender references in this article.)

Let’s discuss some boundary lines that will provide wisdom and direction for you.

  1. Meeting alone with a woman in your office: I do not care how professional you think you are, no one is above being tempted by the evil one. Your heart and the heart of your counselee may be perfectly pure, but the enemy of your soul is fully impure. And for the other side of things… all she needs to do is leave your office and claim inappropriateness. You’ll fully understand the saying, “Guilty until proven innocent.” It can end your ministry. Require your female counselee to bring a friend, a female leader in her life or grab a coworker from your office (that she is comfortable with) to sit in with you.
  2. Do not ready yourself for that appointment. This means how you are dressed, how much cologne you wear, and what language you’ll use. All of these can be subtle messages.
  3. Touch means something. Do not hold her hand, stroke her arm or hug her to “comfort” her. Even teenage woman can be confused by your touch. Yes, people need touch and yes, they need hugs, but not in this environment of vulnerability. 
  4. Do not allow yourself to be cornered in a building or a room alone for a private conversation with the opposite sex. This too is dangerous for you and her. Make sure others are around and you both are visible. 
  5. Do not visit an opposite sex congregant alone. If visiting and you discover her husband or her roommate is not there, do not enter the threshold of that house.
  6. Do your best to not ride alone in a car with a woman who is not your wife or your relative.
  7. Watch your compliments. Compliments about hair, clothing, her recent diet and/or her appearance (especially her shape) in general should be refrained from. Compliments to a child or a senior can be appropriate.
  8. Do not fantasize or dream about woman who you have contact with. These imaginary contacts can actually prepare you for your next connection in a very unhealthy way. 
  9. When you are approached and complimented by that certain woman politely thank her and move on from the conversation. Do not probe further into why she is complimenting you or how she feels about you. When that compliment turns into something like, “Oh, pastor, you’re looking good today” or “Have you been working out lately?” laugh it off and change the subject as soon as you can. Do not acknowledge her compliment or agree with her. 
  10. If you find yourself attracted or see signs of attraction, move away from the situation spiritually, emotionally, and physically. As a leader, you are more than your feelings and thoughts; you are committed to righteousness. Maintain an accountability partner that you can confess to and pray with. Pursue integrity and a proper fear of God. 

Psalm 19:14 is your prayer. “May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

You are complete in the Lord (Colossians 2:10) and do not need another opposite sex relationship in your life to bring security or esteem to you. 

You have a two-fold focus when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex: God and your wife (if married). The book of Proverbs reminds us to drink water from your own cistern (Proverbs 5:15). 

As we walk in the proper fear of God, we will only desire to obey Him and be faithful to our spouse. 

  • Proverbs 1:7:

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

  • Proverbs 9:10:

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”

  • Proverbs 14:26:

“In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have a place of refuge.”


I’ve told you this ahead of time, before it happens, so that when it does happen, the confirmation will deepen your belief in me. I’ll not be talking with you much more like this because the chief of this godless world is about to attack. But don’t worry—he has nothing on me, no claim on me. But so the world might know how thoroughly I love the Father, I am carrying out my Father’s instructions right down to the last detail. “Get up. Let’s go. It’s time to leave here. (John 14:30 The Message)

I love how in this passage Jesus was confident that the enemy “has nothing on me.” May the enemy of your soul have nothing on you as you determine to walk in integrity, high moral character, accountability, the fear of the Lord and eyes only for one woman–your wife!

(Thanks to Joe McKeever for inspiration on some of the thoughts above.)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

I Want to Make It Difficult for My Wife…

We’re often reminded that woman live longer than men. And in the possibility of my wife outliving me, there is a chance that she could remarry. Given that thought, let me finish my title to this blog: 

I Want to Make It Difficult for My Wife’s Next Husband

What on earth do I mean? Well, I try to keep up with all the maintenance around our house, fixing things as they break. I try to keep the lawn mowed and the weeds pulled. I do my best to stay after the leaves in the fall. I like to leave her notes around the house when I depart for a weekend or longer. I like to vacuum and help with the dishes and cleaning difficult places. Suffice it to say, I try to make life easier for her.

But here’s the thing… If she does remarry, my goal is to make that poor guy sweat drops of blood trying to keep up with her “first” husband. I want to leave an impression that causes her to remember me–the big and small things I did just to please her. I want to be the hardest worker she’s ever known. 

I desire to be the godliest leader that I can be, serving my King first and then her. I desire to love her children and grandchildren. I desire to speak words of affirmation and give gifts of praise. I desire to pray with her and over her daily. I want to make her laugh muiltiple times a day. I want to hold her hand often. I desire to tell her that I love her daily.

All these things and more might cause her next husband, who may have never met me, to never forget me!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Marriage: Have You Left Your First Love?

Found in the book of Revelation chapter two, there is a scripture written to the church confronting His loved ones. The issue? They have forsaken their first love, and He encourages them to return to the first works of their faith.

What if we took this same thought and brought it into marriage? Have you in any way left your marriage in your heart, mind or emotions? Have you grown cold or bored or lazy in your relationship? Have you given up on your marriage changing? Then return to your first works.

What are those first works? Think back to dating and then engagement. What did you do to grow, maintain and secure your love? How did you appreciate one another? What were your conversations like? What fun was found in your relationship? What were you prioritizing during that stage of life? How were you caring for one another? It is in answering these questions that you will find your acts of first love.

My wife, while I was in the military, wrote me a letter every day. I returned that loving action and wrote to her often. We sent cards that lifted our hearts and caused us to think about one another in positive ways. When together we did lots of fun things: talked, were silly, talked, asked questions, talked, complimented one another and talked. No question and no conversation was off the table. We gave one another complete freedom to share our hearts. Nothing was too unimportant to discuss or process. 

We actively sought ways to grow our relationship toward marriage by reading books, pursuing wise counsel, honoring one another, thinking of the other first and serving one another. We complimented freely and often. We held hands as much as we could. We kissed and we prayed together. We fell more and more in love.

Repent of your coldness and return to your first works that lit the fire of your relationship. It is well worth the effort!

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Does Going Through a Rough Patch in Our Marriage Disqualify Us from Ministry?

Every marriage has it challenges and some more than others. Does that disqualify us from ministry in our local church or elsewhere? The answer? Yes and no.

The first step is assessment. How long have we had this struggle? Is it a repeated struggle? Have we sought counsel for this particular issue? Do we avoid finding solutions? Are we actively trying to find solutions? Are we being stubborn and refusing personal change? Are either one of us in active sin? Are we blaming our spouse solely for the struggle and not taking any personal responsibility? 

The answers to these questions can help us determine whether we should be involved in ministry during this season of our relationship.

We recently experienced a couple sharing with us they feel disqualified for entering a couples’ ministry at this time because they are attempting to work through some of their own marriage issues. I asked them if they ever struggle raising their children or have they made huge mistakes in parenting. They said, “yes.” I then asked them if they should stop parenting or perhaps consider adopting out their children. As ridiculous as that sounds, sometimes it’s just as ridiculous to think disqualification from ministry over aggressively pursuing marital healing.

You must know if you can minister to others while experiencing conflict yourself, but neither does the conflict always disqualify you from serving others. It is out of our own pain sometimes that we learn to help others. And healed people can bring healing to many!

The key is, after assessment, chase healing. Give it everything you have and pursue growth in your marriage and in your individual lives. As we heal individually, our marriage will also experience healing. There is no perfect marriage, but we serve a perfect Savior who possesses all the answers we need for our daily life challenges!

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Can Divorced Persons Serve in Church Leadership?

I have been asked this question multiple times. I am not the final authority, but one thing I know for sure is that not every divorce is sinful, but most are the result of sin. 

“Not every divorce is sinful.” Does that statement in and of itself leave room for the divorced to be placed in local church leadership? I believe it does and here’s why.

Historically divorce was rare in the United States, and it was easy to simply say that divorced persons could not serve in leadership. In other words, in the rare case of divorce, denying leadership responsibilities was easy, quick and involved far less discussion and prayer. But that position can be punishing and made more so out of tradition.

With the changes in divorce proceedings and forced divorce, i.e., no-fault divorce, we are left with multiple interpretations of scripture. Also, one must decide if they desire to be led by feelings and culture or scriptural precedent. As a counselor, I often heard the following, “How can it be so wrong if it feels so right?”

Well, lots of things can be wrong that feel right. So, leaving selfishness behind, let’s delve into the question. 

First, divorce in and of itself is bringing trauma to the family. It rips apart two adults who have become one in covenantal relationship, and it is devastating to children. Kids do not care about 2 +2 if mom and dad are ending their marriage and affecting all the security they need, know, love and crave. As churches desire to be “relevant to culture,” they will cave to the feeling side of divorce. Church leaders in an effort to not offend will compromise the scripture. 

But God “hates” divorce (Malachi 2:16) because He knows what it does to individuals, families, extended families and ultimately to culture. I love when leaders are compassionate to those who have experienced the trauma of divorce, but that compassion dare not lead to an unscriptural view. 

Many who experience divorce would tell me that it occurred before they were Christians. However, marriage is not a Christian act; it’s a creation act of God. That means that any and all marriage vows are spoken to God until death do we part. 

Timing in divorced leaders is important. If the divorce was a year ago or even three plus years ago, there needs to be time, a season to observe the prospective leader’s character and integrity. How have they grown through what occurred them? What was the cause of the divorce and was it scriptural to divorce?  Has there been a remarriage of either party? Was there repentance and ownership taken for their part in the marriage ending? Have they received counseling for the wound(s) of divorce on the soul and spirit?

Paul told Timothy (I Timothy 3:2,12) that an elder must be the husband of one wife. Did that mean one wife versus multiples wives (polygamy)? Did that mean only one marriage partner for life? Or did that mean the divorced and remarried person is simply disqualified since they are now living with a second wife or husband?

The literal Greek translation was “one-woman man.” This meant a man who walks in integrity with eyes and faithfulness toward one woman and one woman only–his wife. The focus was and is moral purity. 

My personal reasoning behind this is that scripture did allow divorce for marital unfaithfulness and for abandonment. The church must focus on Christlikeness in character, longstanding integrity and godly leadership. Why? Because leaders are to be an example to the body of Christ–ones to emulate. 

Divorce is not God’s plan, and it will never be. With that clearly stated, we live in a fallen world and divorce is a part of it just as multiple other fallen nature things are. Redemption has come through Christ and He redeems the whole of man, not just partial aspects of mankind. We live and we walk in His redemption, through His shed blood and by receiving the forgiveness of our sin. (Ephesians 1:7)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

Dangerous Marriage Moves – The Flirting Risk

He traveled with his job and found someone in a neighboring city who was lonely and looking for a hook-up. She didn’t care that he was married. He didn’t care that she had children and was in the middle of divorce proceedings. It was pure attraction, or so they thought.

Attraction turned to kissing and kissing progressed to the bedroom. It was fun, exciting, exhilarating. He felt young again. She felt needed, desired and idolized. Ongoing thoughts of how dangerous this was, how risky and how destructive it could or would be were dismissed over and over. 

He told himself no one will ever know. He also told himself the feelings for her were not real; it was just lust fulfilled. He knew his secret was safe with her and she knew hers with him. It felt so good. How could it possibly become a casualty? The flirtations were simply irresistible.

Darkness always has a way of being exposed. Secrets almost always surface. What is hidden will come to light; as it was in this case. And as it did, this man lost his ministry position in his church, lost his marriage and lost his relationship with his teenagers. That’s a lot to lose and a very high cost to pay.

His sin wreaked havoc with his life, his business, and his family. The price he paid for his wrong decisions was costly and there was now no going back. 

What could have happened?

First, decisions need to be made before facing the opportunity. Decisions like how will I respond if the opportunity presents itself to be sexually unfaithful? Boundaries should have been in place along with measures of accountability. 

Second, you must push through a lot of convincing cautions to pursue sin. All along the way there is that personal hesitation, the internal warnings, the still small voice of God, the scriptural warnings, and the rapidly beating, nervous heart.

Third, obedience to God and your spoken vows to your spouse must come to the forefront. John 14 says, “If you love me, you will obey what I command” and “Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me.” (John 14:15, 21) By disobeying God you are literally saying you do not love Him.

Fourth, if you had an agreement with your spouse that included boundaries for your marriage, now is the time to apply them. Life is good until there is a test. You must choose to pass the test. 

Fifth, recognize the voice of the enemy because he will make a way to tempt you in the areas where you are vulnerable. Shore up those areas.

Please take the time to read: I Corinthians 6:12-18, Romans 6:11-14, and Galatians 5:19. If you have not written boundaries for your marriage, I highly encourage you to do so. Yes, it feels prudish, but written boundaries provide one more layer of protection.

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

The Blessing of Money in Marriage

Marriage oneness is a gift from God. However, one of the more difficult areas of marriage to reach oneness in is that of finances. My wife and I struggled in this area for years. She was a “spender” and I was a “tight wad.” At least that’s how we each viewed the other when it came to finances. 

The Fidelity company did a study in 2024 of couples and their money. It was pretty telling as they surveyed 1,800 couples. Fifty five percent felt good about their financial health. Twenty five percent said that money is their greatest relationship challenge. Among Gen Z couples that percentage increased to 29%. But what else did they discover?

  • 25% said they resent being left out of financial decisions
  • 25% said they are frustrated by their partner’s money habits
  • 34% said the disagree on their savings goal
  • 36% do not know how much money their spouse earns
  • 55% said they are making retirement savings decisions together
  • 53% did not agree on the amount of savings they needed for retirement
  • 47% disagreed on how much risk they are comfortable with in their investments

We obviously need to improve our financial relationship. We need to communicate and agree on our tithe and giving, our savings, our credit card use, our debt and our overall budget. God desires finances to be a blessing, not a curse. 

Mary and I finally discovered that she was not a “spender,” but rather a giver. I was not a “tight wad,” but rather a saver/investor for our future. Those two areas combined in our marriage, honoring one another and how we are built financially, has become a huge blessing and now an area of strength, agreement and oneness.

We save more in order to give more.

The blessing of the Lord makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it (Proverbs 10:22).

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