My wife and I enjoy an annual retreat weekend with several young couples. One of the questions we ask is, “What wisdom would you desire to pass on to other young married couples?” Earlier this year, I recorded what they had to say in reply to that question and thought their responses were worth passing on. In their words:

1. Apologize quickly and do not withhold forgiveness.

2. Do not avoid conflict or confrontation, as doing so will develop bad habits.

3. Have less “outside” responsibilities and nights away from one another.

4. Assume the best about your spouse rather than assuming ulterior motives.

5. Involvement in a local church does not necessarily guarantee spiritual closeness. In other words, doing church things does not replace your spiritual lives as individuals and as a couple.

6. You married a human with a fallen sin nature. No one is perfect, especially you.

7. Pray with and for one another more. Praying your heart out to God on the behalf of one another keeps you from being so self-centered.

8. When you are angry, watch your tongue.

9. Establish good relationships with parents on both sides. To make an effort shows respect for your spouse.

10. Sex does not make up for (fill in the blank). The issue will still be there after intimacy. Deal with it.

There you have it, current wisdom from 2015. Take it and pass it on.

Where does inappropriate intimacy begin with someone who is not your spouse? What are your intentions concerning persons that you may find attractive, inviting or feel an emotional connection with? There are any number of opportunities out there to be unfaithful to your Lord, your spouse and yourself through wrongly intentioned relational connections. Here are six areas to be aware of:

1.Phone calls and text messages. How much time do you spend on the phone with this opposite sex (friend) and how intimate is your conversation? Is your spouse aware of these conversations? Are you open with your spouse about these calls/texts and the content of them if they are necessary? Have you ever crossed a line or desired to cross a line in any of these conversations?

2. One-on-one, private and face-to-face conversations. Do you attempt to manipulate your schedule to connect with someone of the opposite sex that you desire to be around or find yourself attracted to? Do one-on-one conversations excite you, increase your heart rate or increase your thoughts about this person?

3. Spiritually intimate connections. Are you looking for ways in which you can connect spiritually with this person? Do you find yourself desiring to pray with them more  than your spouse? If you have occasion to pray with this person, how intimate are those times of prayer. In other words, are you praying about things that you should not even be discussing with one another?

4. Fantasizing about this person. Are you thinking about this person to the point of fantasizing about time with them or an ongoing relationship with them? Do you have dreams about this person? Are you allowing your mind to take you to inappropriate places with this person?

5. Do you dress in the morning considering the possibility of a connection with this person? If you are dressing with this person in mind, once again, you have crossed a line and your motives are suspect. You are actually fantasizing about how you can be an attractant to wrong desires.

6. Social media “stalking.”  Are you closely following the social media presence of someone, watching for pictures or information that you can use for conversation?  Accessing someone’s social media sites in order to discover more information for your own arsenal of personal details is stalking.

Why do you want to attract this person to yourself? What is the need in your life that is crying out for help through broken and inappropriate connections? What is missing in your relationship with Jesus that keeps you longing after an inappropriate connection? What is missing in your marriage that pushes you toward openness with someone other than your spouse? Please consider the following Scriptures: Proverbs 4: 20-27; 5: 15 – 23; and 6: 20 – 29.

I was in graduate school full-time and I worked 40 plus hours a week in the field of social work. We had just given birth to our third child. I was missing in action from home. When I wasn’t in class or at my job I found myself in a library studying and writing papers. This life process went on for two and one half years. For two and one half years I watched my wife run the household, give birth to our third child, balance the budget while living on a “poverty” level income and edit, as well as, type (manually) all of my weekly papers. It was servanthood at its best, a genuine sacrificial love. I never once heard her complain about her life at the time. She believed in the goal and she sacrificed to help get me there. When graduation day finally arrived I confessed to her that the degree earned was as much hers as it was mine, we earned it. 

Sacrificial love is unselfish love. Unselfish love is mature love. To have a partner in the marriage sacrifice almost three years of “normal” family life for the goal of their mate…well, that is borderline supernatural. Love will do that you know. Love will give everything and at the same time sacrifice personal pleasure. Love will be patient and kind. Love will not be jealous of a life mate’s goals, nor will it be proud or rude when a life mate fails in their goal. Love will not demand its own way and through the process will not be irritable, give up or lose faith. Sacrificial love is always hopeful and never looks back in regret. Thank you, Mary, for your sacrificial love and exhibiting to me First Corinthians chapter thirteen. I am a blessed man!

It just had to be the hottest day of the spring of 1975. Sweating in my long sleeve shirt, rented navy blue suit jacket and bow tie in the non air-conditioned church building was an obvious concern.  I was 20 years young and she just turned 21. My father was against this union while her father gave us his blessing and approval to marry. Of course, he wanted his daughter to finish nursing college, as did I for different (financial:) reasons. The wedding ceremony started, my bride, so lovely in her high neck gown, came down the aisle toward me. And then it seemed the ceremony might not end anytime soon as the preacher decided to take advantage of the many relatives and attendees who perhaps looked like they needed a Savior. Finally we spoke our vows and had ceremonially become one.

I truly do not remember much else from that day. The fresh fruit salad, potato salad and lunchmeat were pretty good, as the older church ladies who tend to do such things prepared it. The basement where the reception was held was a bit cooler. We had already lost a number of our guests from the heat of the unrelenting sermon spoken by the gray-haired pastor and the temperature in the sanctuary. The two combined were just too much for some, like one of my work mates who was on a lot of illegal drugs at that time. But what I do remember on that May 24^th of 40 years ago was that I knew that I knew I was to marry my soul mate, Mary Elizabeth Mohr. I had not one single doubt that this decision was led by God and that I was obeying God by saying “I do” that day. As we soon celebrate our 40^th anniversary, I still do, Mary.