Category Archives: Postmarital

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Vows: In Sickness and In Health

Do you remember your vows spoken to your spouse, before the minister, the attendees and your Lord?  Never did we actually expect to have to endure sickness anytime in the near future, but you vowed to remain faithful to the covenant of marriage during such times.  Of recent I have watched dedicated spouses give themselves to their life mate without complaint through severe sickness.   One couple in particular has found a partner facing a disease that slowly but surely reduces muscle use even though they are on the young side of middle age.  Once vibrant and active, this person is now wheelchair bound and in need of constant care.

We spoke a vow, just words unless truly from the heart, to remain faithful and committed.  Exactly what is a vow?  Webster defines vow as “a solemn promise or pledge that commits one to act or behave in a particular way.”  Numbers 30:2 says, “If a man makes a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.”  Do not take those words you spoke lightly, God doesn’t.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Writing a Mission Statement for your Marriage

When God placed Adam and Even in the garden, He provided a mission for this first marriage.  He said, “Be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it.  Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”  (Genesis 1:28)  In chapter two of Genesis He places Adam in the Garden of Eden to “…work it and take care of it.”  Adam and Eve’s mission statement might go something like this, “We are called to seek God first, to model our marriage after His love, to procreate and fill the earth and to embrace our work in the garden as we care for God’s creation.”

To build a mission statement, take some time to write down all of the things you and your spouse are involved in, e.g., a business, children, jobs, purchasing a house, caring for aging family members, serving a local school board, small group leadership, etc.  Draw from this list those things you are called to serve together in and begin to write out a paragraph that describes your calling.  Now think about your values as a couple and include the most important ones.  Again, for example: loving God and seeking Him together, debt free living and spiritual gifts.  Prayerfully begin creating a statement that includes both doing and values lists.

As this paragraph is refined year-to-year you will discover the unity of co-mission and the beauty of sub-mission, or operating together under the mission.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

You Gotta Love the Word Submission

It is truly unfortunate that the word submission conjures up such strong feelings especially among North American women.  It really should not.  Recently, I was teaching in a room with three different races present and found that the expressions and beliefs about the topic of submission were quite varied and typically non-biblical.  Even mentioning the word seemed to send shudders up the spines of those godly ladies.  Why?  Most women view submission as a subservient existence cowering to a man’s latest whim and wish.  Do you seriously think that was the meaning of submission in Ephesians five?  When Paul asked women to submit to their husbands do you think for a moment he was instructing you to grovel at your husband’s feet and shout “immediately sir” to every request?

The Greek word is Hupo Tasso and it was a military term, which meant to “arrange under.”  It literally has to do with leading the troops toward a mission.  Our English word, submission has a prefix (sub) that means “under.”  So, the word would best be defined as, “under the mission.”  Here’s the biggest question to consider, “Husbands, what’s the mission?”  If you and your spouse have not identified the mission(s) of your marriage, then what may I ask are you submitting to?  If submission literally means under the mission, you must hear from God, define the mission and write it down in the form of a mission statement.  God gave Adam and Eve, the first couple on the earth, a very clear mission.  What mission has He given to you and your spouse?  We’ll work on building that statement in the future.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital

Learning to Adapt in Marriage

“Since marriage, I am learning to not be so uptight because my husband is not so uptight.”  “Jason is a lot better with finances, so he took over the budget.”  “Karen is amazing when it comes to dealing with sensitive family issues so we have adapted to her style of relating.”  It’s called adaptation and it means to adjust or become adjusted.  If one of you excels at something, then for the good of both of you, let go of any sense of competition.  Look at who is the person with the extra measure of grace to respond to a specific need and bless them to function in that way.  Further, realize while you are in the process of becoming one, your gift will spread to your partner as your partner is willing to grow and learn from you.

When we were first married, I did all the financial records, budget and transactions.  Mary recognized that it was not her gift.  As she began to see the blessing of doing finances different from what she knew, she adapted to most of my methods.  She saw the value in how we were progressing financially.  Obviously, along the way she had good advice and wisdom to add.  In time, however, Mary began to take over the finances, the taxes, college forms and our budget.  She adapted so well that the gift now resides within her.   Is there an area in your marriage where God is asking you to adapt and you’re resisting?  You may need to be open to a Holy Spirit adjustment.

Standard
Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer

Try Taking Your Marriage for a Walk

Are you finding it difficult to secure a time to really communicate with your spouse on a regular basis?  Have you been challenged to locate a prayer time together?  Are you avoiding exercising?  If your answer is “yes” to any of the above then I’ve got a solution for you?  Try taking your marriage on a walk.  Start by mapping out several courses around your neighborhood.

For example, Mary and I have our “short walk” which is a little less than a mile.  The short walk is for when it’s getting dark, we have a short window of time or it’s too cold for a longer walk.  Our next walking route is 2.8 miles.  This is the one we really aspire to do as often as possible (2-3 times a week).  And our final course is 3.2 miles.  The latter one is for those “perfect” times, i.e., the weather is right, there is plenty of time and daylight.  During these walk times we take turns openly communicating with one another and then with our heavenly Father.  All the while, we’re enjoying some needed exercise and intimacy.  Try taking your marriage for a walk this week; you’ll feel better as you connect with each other and with God.

Standard
Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Is it my Job to Change my Spouse?

Should it ever be your goal to change your spouse?  Most of us are married long enough to realize that my weaknesses are often my spouse’s strengths and my spouse’s weaknesses are often my strengths.  If that’s the case, why do we feel it’s necessary to make our spouse like us?  The truth is, you are in a partnership with your heavenly Father to bring a revelation of His love to your spouse.  It is that love that will actually bring about the necessary changes.   Have you ever heard someone say, “I just loved him through it?”   That phrase is both a confession (I can’t change him so I simply chose to love him.) and an action statement (To love is never a form of inaction.).

We marry because we love, but then we begin to realize a love deficit in our life or the life of our spouse.  An unhealthy remedy for this deficit becomes crossing the line into trying to change our spouse in an effort to receive more love.  If you are making frequent demands of your spouse – you have a love deficit.  If you are constantly pushing your spouse to change something – you have a love deficit.  If you find yourself frequently comparing your spouse with others – you have a love deficit.  If you find yourself angry with your spouse a lot of the time – you have a love deficit.  And if your spouse feels as though they cannot please you – you have a love deficit.  Take a moment to ask your heavenly Father for a revelation of His love and seek first His kingdom, as He will add these things (love) to you. (Matthew 6:33)

Standard
Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Silence is Not Always Golden

James tells us that the tongue can be a fire.  He says it can corrupt our whole person.  The tongue can praise or it can curse.   But there is something else it can do – it can be silent.  There are times in marriage when silence is as wrong as speaking curse-filled words.  It is evil when we are avoiding speaking good toward another or we are avoiding communication altogether, causing our spouse to suffer through the awkwardness of silence.   You know in your heart if your silence is meant to be malicious.  It is one thing to retreat and not speak so that healing can take place, but it is another when we selfishly refuse to speak.

I discovered during my pre-engagement years with Mary that she was a communicator; she loved to talk and relate to people.  I, on the other hand, would rather let others do the talking.  After marriage in my immaturity and my selfishness, I discovered that I could use silence to hurt her if I felt wronged.   I knew Mary needed me to talk and if I didn’t respond it would frustrate her.  To grow up and change I had to study her and enter into her world of communication.  I had to discover her frame of reference.  I had to receive the revelation that my silence was selfish manipulation and not godly leadership.  Today we have found that balance of talking and listening and honoring one another in our differences.  And today, at times, I might use as many words as she does.

Standard
Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak

We are told that we can speak 125 – 150 words a minute, but typically we think around 300 words a minute.  Those numbers themselves provide an inward conflict with the act of listening.  High school and college campus’s run courses on public speaking, but when is the last time you had the opportunity to sign up for a public listening course?  Most of us want to talk and be listened to rather than take the concentration needed to stop and really hear someone.  I heard someone say recently that hearing is a function of the ear, but listening is a function of your will.

When we listen we are exercising an expression of love.  We are saying this person is important enough to me to be listened to.  Proverbs has a way of cutting to the chase when it says, “ He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”  (Proverbs 18:13)  If we are constantly interrupting our spouse in order to interject our “important” thought, we have stopped listening and are thinking about our reply.  Do you realize people pay counselors $150.00 and more for fifty minutes of their time and feel better when leaving their office?  Some even fall in love with their therapist just because they feel validated and cared for.  What was the therapist’s secret?  He/she listened.  James admonished us to be quick to listen and slow to speak…pretty good advice for 2013.  Try it; you’ll be amazed at the results.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

Are We Really That Old?

Last evening we had a wonderful family time celebrating our younger son’s birthday.  He’ll soon be 32 years old and will any day now be a father himself.  I asked my wife, Mary, “Are we really that old?”  Could we be old enough and be married long enough to have a son his age?  She assured me without hesitation that we are, but then quickly added, “…but, how blessed we are as well.”  I couldn’t agree more.  If we get our eyes on our failing bodies, our forgetful minds or our lack of retirement funds, we can quickly become restless, worried or even discontent.

Thirty seven and a half years ago, one man and one woman said, “I do.”  It was a hot, sweaty day with no air conditioning in the church building where we were married.  The service was long and the intense heat made it seem even longer.  One man called to one woman would produce thee amazing children who will produce children through the creative act of God called marriage.  “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him,” was God’s observation.  The Lord anesthetized Adam, took one of his ribs and fashioned a woman called Eve.  When Adam awoke he saw that which was created just for him and he exclaimed, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…”  And God said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

Standard
Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Be Your Spouse’s Cheerleader (for women only)

Most men enjoy some type of sporting event and at most any level of competition, men appreciate cheerleaders.  Cheerleaders cheer on even if the score is totally lopsided in the opponents favor.  Cheerleaders keep the crowd aroused in favor of their team.  Cheerleaders never have a negative remark in their cheers unless it’s meant for the opposition.  Cheerleaders are not critical of the team they represent.  Cheerleaders are dedicated and stick with their team even when it’s a losing season.  Finally, most cheerleaders are female.  Men simply love women cheering them on.  A man can be involved in the most mundane and boring task, but if his wife offers a word of encouragement and praise for a job well done, that boring task takes on a whole new meaning and his attitude can change immediately .

The Proverbs 31 woman operated in this manner.  Her husband has full confidence in her.  Why?  Verse 12 says that she brings him good, not harm for all her days (she was his cheerleader).  In verse 23 the scripture states that her husband is a respected elder and sits at the city gate (she made him look good by speaking good of him).  Proverbs 31 directly infers that because of his wife he is at the gate of leadership, respected by his community.  While at this gate, not only do her children sing her praises, her husband blesses and praises her (v. 28).  She has sown those seeds and now she is reaping praise in return.  Ladies, be your husband’s cheerleader and not just  their critic.

Standard