Category Archives: Postmarital

Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak

We are told that we can speak 125 – 150 words a minute, but typically we think around 300 words a minute.  Those numbers themselves provide an inward conflict with the act of listening.  High school and college campus’s run courses on public speaking, but when is the last time you had the opportunity to sign up for a public listening course?  Most of us want to talk and be listened to rather than take the concentration needed to stop and really hear someone.  I heard someone say recently that hearing is a function of the ear, but listening is a function of your will.

When we listen we are exercising an expression of love.  We are saying this person is important enough to me to be listened to.  Proverbs has a way of cutting to the chase when it says, “ He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”  (Proverbs 18:13)  If we are constantly interrupting our spouse in order to interject our “important” thought, we have stopped listening and are thinking about our reply.  Do you realize people pay counselors $150.00 and more for fifty minutes of their time and feel better when leaving their office?  Some even fall in love with their therapist just because they feel validated and cared for.  What was the therapist’s secret?  He/she listened.  James admonished us to be quick to listen and slow to speak…pretty good advice for 2013.  Try it; you’ll be amazed at the results.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

Are We Really That Old?

Last evening we had a wonderful family time celebrating our younger son’s birthday.  He’ll soon be 32 years old and will any day now be a father himself.  I asked my wife, Mary, “Are we really that old?”  Could we be old enough and be married long enough to have a son his age?  She assured me without hesitation that we are, but then quickly added, “…but, how blessed we are as well.”  I couldn’t agree more.  If we get our eyes on our failing bodies, our forgetful minds or our lack of retirement funds, we can quickly become restless, worried or even discontent.

Thirty seven and a half years ago, one man and one woman said, “I do.”  It was a hot, sweaty day with no air conditioning in the church building where we were married.  The service was long and the intense heat made it seem even longer.  One man called to one woman would produce thee amazing children who will produce children through the creative act of God called marriage.  “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him,” was God’s observation.  The Lord anesthetized Adam, took one of his ribs and fashioned a woman called Eve.  When Adam awoke he saw that which was created just for him and he exclaimed, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…”  And God said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Be Your Spouse’s Cheerleader (for women only)

Most men enjoy some type of sporting event and at most any level of competition, men appreciate cheerleaders.  Cheerleaders cheer on even if the score is totally lopsided in the opponents favor.  Cheerleaders keep the crowd aroused in favor of their team.  Cheerleaders never have a negative remark in their cheers unless it’s meant for the opposition.  Cheerleaders are not critical of the team they represent.  Cheerleaders are dedicated and stick with their team even when it’s a losing season.  Finally, most cheerleaders are female.  Men simply love women cheering them on.  A man can be involved in the most mundane and boring task, but if his wife offers a word of encouragement and praise for a job well done, that boring task takes on a whole new meaning and his attitude can change immediately .

The Proverbs 31 woman operated in this manner.  Her husband has full confidence in her.  Why?  Verse 12 says that she brings him good, not harm for all her days (she was his cheerleader).  In verse 23 the scripture states that her husband is a respected elder and sits at the city gate (she made him look good by speaking good of him).  Proverbs 31 directly infers that because of his wife he is at the gate of leadership, respected by his community.  While at this gate, not only do her children sing her praises, her husband blesses and praises her (v. 28).  She has sown those seeds and now she is reaping praise in return.  Ladies, be your husband’s cheerleader and not just  their critic.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Three Reality Questions in Marriage (continued)

 

Our last question in this series is: Do you have the mentality of an owner or a renter in marriage?  I was talking to a friend who is a landlord.  One of his tenants wanted a screen door placed on the back door entrance.  He told them, “sure.”  He went to the store, purchased a screen door, installed it and then placed the cost on the renter’s next month rent.  Of course the renter had a fit and blew up at his landlord saying, “It’s not my property; it’s your door and it’s a permanent improvement to your property, I am not paying for it!”  In other words, I want it, I request it, but I’m not paying for it.  It’s a renter’s mentality. A renter does what’s best for himself, not the owner.

Since the flood last year, I have had a nagging issue with a finished back basement wall in my house that gets damp.  We have torn it apart and rebuilt it only to have moisture show up again.  We have now torn it apart a second time.  I am the owner, I will do whatever it takes and spend whatever money it takes to make that wall dry again.  It’s an owner’s mentality.  An owner does what’s best for the property at their own cost and sacrifice.  Too many couples are renters today – they’re out the back door while owing three months rent.  They damage each other and really do not care, they have no long-term commitment.  They’ll walk by the weeds everyday and not bend over to pull them.  They have little investment and do not think in terms of making an investment in the marriage.  Marriage is designed by God for owners to become holy.  We start with a romantic love attraction and build to a committed love; then move to a maturing love in order to eventually reach a best friend love.

Owners invest their own sweat equity, their life savings and their day-to-day care to repair, clean and manage their property.  Why?  It’s a lifetime investment.  It’s an asset, not a liability.  An owner is driven by their heart.  As an owner, you desire an increase in value over time.  An owner looks like an owner, walks like an owner and talks like an owner.  Question: Do you take ownership for being healed and bringing healing to your marriage?  Are you in your marriage for the lifetime investment and have a passion for an increase in value?  If you answer “yes” to these questions, then you are taking ownership and growing an asset.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Three Reality Questions in Marriage (continued)

Question number two is: Do you realize there is no perfect marriage?  Only one relationship on this earth started out perfectly: Adam and Eve.  Their world was perfect, their jobs were perfect and their walk with God was amazing and daily.  Adam and Eve chose to walk away from perfection and by the second generation one of their children committed murder.  Marriage is not Christian; it’s a creation act of God predating our Christian faith.  Adam recognized his need for a partner after naming the animals just as God recognized Adam’s aloneness.  He put Adam to sleep, anesthetized him and created Eve from his side.  A life mate, a helper, a woman was God’s idea and would form the basis of our society – one man with one woman.  Marriage is not perfect because two individuals with lots of brokenness and needs say “I do” out of attraction, love and “similarity.”  Within 30 days this very commitment begins to be tested and we quickly discover we married someone unlike us!

It is God’s story to begin to hold us together through our differences.  You see, my wife, Mary, is what I am not and I am what Mary is not, but together we make an amazing and whole team.  Ephesians 5: 25-27 says that, as men, we are called to love our wife as Christ lives His church.  We are not Jesus, but we are His representative.  Men, we are our wives healer; we are to reflect Christ to her.  Your wife is worth Christ’s death on the cross for her.  Your husband is worth the beating and bruising your Lord took for him.  Behind discord, wrong motives, insecurity and marriage failure is unrepentant sin.  To love your spouse is to give your life and your love to them to the point that you bring healing to insecurity, rejection, low esteem, self-hate, etc.

There is no perfect marriage, because there is no perfect spouse.  However, the longer we are married, the more settled we become, the more healed we become as an individual and the more healing we bring to one another.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Three Reality Questions in Marriage

Last week, we ended this blog by saying, “There is no greater mirror of who you are than your spouse.”  I am not sure how many of you thought about that imagery, but after making such a statement I am hoping that you, in turn, received the following question, “How do I need to change so that I see an improving reflection of myself in my life mate?”  In order to move in that direction, here are three reality questions for you: 1. Do you realize that when you married, you were broken and you married into brokenness?  2. Do you realize there is no perfect marriage?  3. Do you have the mentality of an owner or a renter in marriage?

Question number one is, “Do we realize that we are all born into brokenness?  We all have imperfect families, wounded backgrounds and personality difficulties.  When we found the “perfect” person, we found someone like ourselves – in need of healing.  While weddings reflect perfection, i.e., perfect clothes, flowers, beauty and pageantry, they are actually filled with imperfect people and reality will set in eventually.  We take pictures at weddings in order to somehow attempt to remember how perfect things can or did look at one time.  In actuality, a reality wedding ought to look somewhat different.  Both the bride and groom should be wearing their oldest, tore up attire with bleeding wounds exposed and gauze wrapped around them like lace.  They should be pushing along their IV’s while trying to walk with crutches – not a pretty sight, but a sight of reality.  Psalm 51:5 says, “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.”

Marriage has a way of drawing the worst or the best out of us.  We’ll look at question number two next week and in the future some God steps of healing.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Marriage is a Mirror into Our Lives

In the book, Sacred Marriage, author Gary Thomas says that God did not give us marriage to make us happy, but to make us more like Him.  God’s idea for marriage predates Christianity and goes back to the Garden of Eden.  Marriage was an act of creation by God.  Adam recognized a need in his life and so did his Creator.  God’s solution?  The gift of Eve.  God created a mate, once again in His image and likeness to be a life partner.  It was and is God’s idea for the basis of our society.

Initially, we are attracted to one another by our similarities, but that’s before we say “I do.”  Ninety days into the marriage we realize we married someone who is not like us and that’s God’s story.  It is God’s story to begin to hold us together through our differences.  You see, Mary is what I am not and I am what Mary is not.  But, together, we make an amazing team.  Under the New Covenant, as men, we are called to reflect Christ to our wives.  Is there a resemblance men?  As women, you are to reflect the Christ found within your husband.  If we are not working toward becoming more like Christ, then whose image will we reflect?  There is no greater mirror of who you are than your spouse.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Weathering the Storms of Marriage

The East coast is getting pounded with hurricane Sandy as I write this.  The winds are increasing in speed, the rain is pouring down, the creeks, rivers and tide waters are rising as the power companies are on standby alert.  It’s frightening and exciting all at the same time.  We’ve seen storms before, as well as hurricane’s, but this is to be “one of the worst.”  I have prepared with tying everything down, bringing items into the garage, storing food and water and purchasing extra gasoline.  Not sure what else to do other than wait it out, pray and watch out for our neighbors’ needs.  Marriage storms are a bit similar, i.e., unpredictable at times, can’t really know the intensity, and unaware of the potential damages forthcoming.  The main difference may be in getting caught off guard due to the fact that we don’t possess an internal doppler radar system for predicting marriage storms.

Storms, however, are unavoidable within our marriages.  When two people are close enough to see and feel emotional rises and experience power and control losses, damages may occur.  In the eye of the storm (or heat of the argument) we tend to become short with one another and allow words to be spoken that under normal circumstances we would never say.  Emotions seem to force the parts of us that we like to keep hidden, those parts that only relational hardship and pressure will release.  We push back in an offensive manner only to find a stronger wind blowing from our partner against us.  What do we do?  Getting louder accentuates emotional response for yourself and your mate.  Proverbs tells us that a quiet answer turns away anger.  But a quiet answer doesn’t really get our point across.  Ephesians says to speak the truth, but simply speaking the truth can be mean-spirited.  What’s the key?  Speaking to the storm in a quiet tone of voice, telling the truth with love and grace as an anesthesia and maintaining a spirit of love will increase your chances for minimal damages.  When the damages are minimal, there’s a lot less clean up work.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

When it comes to Marriage, Do you have a Consumer’s Mentality or a Committed Mentality?

Imagine you’re at the “husband restaurant” looking over the menu.  Your waiter comes and you ask him, “Do you have any of those good-looking husbands who are tall, lean and somewhat handsome (“somewhat,” because too attractive causes problems with other women)?”  Your waiter assures you there are a few remaining.  You then add,”…a little smart on the side, but not too smart (you need to be able to win the arguments), skilled with his hands…a mister-fixer-upper would be nice.”  “Oh, and for dessert, I’ll have some of that, “likes housework over sports and spending time with the guys.”  The problem is that when your server brings him he’s undercooked, green, can’t do a thing with his hands or he’s overcooked and thinking he knows it all.  He’s not tender and he is clueless when it comes to emotional issues.  You tell your waiter, “Take him back, he’s not at all what I ordered; in fact, I think you brought me someone else’s order by mistake!”  Consumerrrrr.

When we marry, most spouses are a little rough around the edges, but God loves rough around the edges – He specializes in it.  He will use your spouse in your life to tenderize you and bring you truth.  At times it hurts, but if you remain teachable it will “hurt good.”  Consumers criticize their mate’s brokenness, but the committed fight for him or her with a redemptive spirit.  The consumer tries to change their mate to be more like themselves.  Their thought process goes something like this, “If he were more like me and the way I think and act then married life would be so much easier.”  Their core belief is, “My way is the right way.”   The committed are thinking, “It’s not my way or his way, but our way.”  The committed have thoughts, words and actions toward the redemptive purposes of God in their marriage.  The committed are not making unfair comparisons, but are walking by faith toward a deeper level of connection.  The reason?  They realize the deep need for the same level of commitment and grace for themselves.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Loving Women/Respecting Men II

An interesting concept in scripture is when a man desires to be an overseer.  There are some Biblical guidelines and character traits given, one of which is found in I Timothy where it says, “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.”  A man will struggle with his job, his family and his ministry if he feels a lack of respect from those whom he relates to.  When a man feels more respect from his guy friends, his job or hanging out at the fire company rather than his home you will find him desiring to spend the bulk of his time at these places.  Further, when a man experiences a put down in public, he will feel disrespect.

On the other hand, when a woman experiences a put down, she will feel a lack of love.  If she feels that lack of love from her husband, she will begin to separate herself from him emotionally in an effort to protect herself.  Loving your wife through loving acts of service, loving words and physical touches of love will draw her closer to your heart.  When a father expresses love to his daughter and a mother expresses respect to her son, those parents will reach into the very core of their child calling forth their womanhood and their manhood.  Men, ask your wife in what ways can you grow in your expressions of love toward her.  Women, ask your husband in what ways can you grow in showing and expressing respect and honor.   And, please, start by sharing one way, not twenty.

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