Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Training, Women

The Surprising Changes in the Beliefs and Boundaries of Marriage Today (Part 1)

In my many years of studying, researching, writing, interviewing and counseling in the pre- and postmarital realm, I had little hope I would see secular research come to agree with so many of my findings and beliefs. But the proof just keeps showing up in article after article.

My belief, without waver, is that premarital experiences directly relate to our marriages and that pre-marriage sexual experiences harm the marital experiences of life as a married couple. In the recent past the typical sequence to marriage went something like this: dating, sex, cohabitation, maybe children and then marriage.

Sex and cohabitation before marriage

Psychologist Galena Rhoades PhD and Scott Stanley in an online article titled Before “I Do,” What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults, now questions this contemporary view of how family life begins in our society. She believes that every serious relationship has certain milestones, like the first kiss to actually coming to a definition of where the relationship is going. She unequivocally states that about 90% of couples are sexual before marriage according to one study (Diner, 2007). She also states that most couples live together before marriage (Copen, Daniels, and Mosher, 2013).

But then she writes this, “Many of them have sex with multiple partners before finding the person they will eventually marry. Do premarital sexual relationships relate to later marital quality? Yes and no. It depends on who you are having sex with. Men and women who only slept with their (future) spouse prior to marriage reported higher marital quality than those who had other sexual partners as well. This doesn’t mean that sex before marriage will doom a marriage, but sex with many different partners may be risky if you’re looking for a high-quality marriage.” 

Dr. Rhoades makes this eye-opening conclusion, “We generally think that having more experience is better [in life] but what we find for relationships is just the opposite.”

Multiple experiences with multiple partners sexually is now actually linked to marriages that are worse off and that having a long history with cohabitating may actually cause you to devalue your spouse. 

Marrying young

Brad Wilcox, a director of the National Marriage Project and Professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia wrote an article on how marrying young (by young I mean early 20’s) and without cohabitating “seems merited.” He wrote, “Our analyses indicate that religious men and women who married in their twenties without cohabitating first–have the lowest odds of divorce in America today.” Read that last sentence again, please.

What is it that the author of this study suspected as to why the success rate? “We suspect one advantage the religious singles in their twenties have over the secular peers is that they are more likely to have access to a pool of men and women who are ready to tie the knot and share their vision of a family-focused life.”

It has been believed and practiced for decades that a college education with a lot of dating, partying, fun, one-night stands and living together and then finally career all came first before settling down with a commitment to marriage. The statistic of living together (70%) before marriage is scary high. But Professor Wilcox wrote this, “But the conventional wisdom here is wrong: Americans who cohabit before marriage are less likely to be happily married and more likely to break up.” In fact, he says that couples who do cohabitate have a 15% more likely chance of divorce than those who do not.

Milestones in dating and pre-marriage days in a couple’s life means something because decisions mean something. We can remember when our spouse first spoke the words, “I love you.” We can recall where we were when we became engaged. We either loved or endured premarital counseling, but it was another milestone, a decision we made for us and our success in marriage. 

Fifty years of marriage 

Over 50 years ago my wife and I abstained sexually out of total love, commitment and respect for one another–keeping for marriage what belongs only to marriage. We did not cohabitate because we knew this one act reduces the chances of a healthy lifelong marriage. We had a large wedding because we wanted others to celebrate with us, hold us accountable and enter into our joy of oneness. We went on a two-week honeymoon dropping out of life as we knew it to simply work on becoming one. We did not know one another intimately (sexually) prior to marriage, but we discovered the joy of purity meeting purity night after night.

It was not a college education, financial security, sexual experiences or age that helped to create these milestones, it was love for God and a desire to obey His truth. We were married in our early twenties and we continue to celebrate milestones in our marriage. We are celebrating the milestone of half a century of marriage throughout this year and we are thankful for a godly foundation.

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50 Years of Marriage! We Did It!!

We were just kids, as they say. Mary was fresh out of nursing school, and I was in the military during the Vietnam war. We had a small two-bedroom apartment and worked different shifts the first two years following our wedding vows. 

Learning each other’s nuances, family cultures, likes and dislikes was fascinating. With virtually no premarital counseling we were finally married and living on our own five hours south of our families. 

While we had been in semiserious relationships prior to ours, we were virgins, having saved the best of ourselves for one another. It was heaven on earth as we discovered new things about each other, learning to cook, and all things that go into making a newly formed family. 

Our first apartment.

Following those two years we set out to serve as missionaries to adjudicated teenage boys and did so for eight years – not heaven on earth. This mission tested everything we knew in life, marriage and the pursuit of happiness. It was tough believing for our needs, not fighting over who spent the last dollar and living in a facility with other staff members and the delinquents themselves. Through lots of trials and pain we grew stronger in our faith, our resolve, and our marriage.

So here we are at 50 years. How does a couple keep it together that long? How does a marriage make it through severe losses, great financial needs, disagreements, differing financial values, and (one of the most challenging) raising children into adulthood? Let us (my bride helped with this part) take a stab at answering that question.

  1. Choose your battles wisely. You just can’t agree on everything, but that does not mean you live disagreeably. Face the fact, even though you are one, you are two different individuals who see things differently. That is not a negative, it is something to be valued. Seeing things differently helps each of us to see what we’re not seeing. And that makes for a better team. 
  2. Speaking of team, work together at serving and honoring each other. How can you out serve and out honor your mate? Also important, honor one another’s extended families.
  3. Keep dating a priority. Never stop prioritizing fun, weekends away, rest and laughter.
  4. Know why you are called together. Know your marriage mission, write it down and keep updating it year after year. It is the “why” of your marriage relationship.
  5. Pray and worship together. Nothing is more intimate, connecting, or communicative than praying together. You will hear each other’s hearts and know one another’s deepest needs and desires. Worshiping together includes having a home church; one in which you are both comfortable in and are fed spiritually nourishing food. It’s a place where you can serve and be served by a godly family who cares about you, your marriage and your family. 

Proverbs 31 reminds us, “A wife of noble character who can find?   She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” 

We have lacked nothing of value these past 50 years. There is no greater, no deeper love than our heavenly Father’s and that love enables us to love and cherish each other through every day, every month and every year.

Reaching this milestone has made every mile we have traveled, every faith step we have taken, and every prayer we have prayed worth it. If we can make it, so can you.

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Building Intimacy Through Couple Prayer

Too often Christian couples are not praying together outside of a prayer before their meal. Many leadership couples are not praying together consistently. Some couples tend to focus on the barriers of prayer rather than prayer itself. Barriers like, “We’re too busy; our children’s needs come first; we’re too tired; I am waiting on my spouse to initiate prayer,” etc.

Besides speaking to God, just what does prayer in our marriage accomplish?

  • A spiritual intimacy that is greater than sexual intimacy
  • Love
  • Faith
  • Thankfulness
  • Appreciation
  • Protection/covering
  • Honesty
  • Friendship
  • Communication
  • Unity
  • Agreement
  • Openness/vulnerability
  • Heart connections
  • Healing

To take it to an even deeper level, praying with our spouse can reduce:

  • Stress/tension
  • Frustration/anger
  • Disagreement as we agree in prayer
  • Personal judgements as we hear each other’s heart

Prayer with our marriage partner fulfills the scripture found in Matthew 18:19, “If any two will agree in prayer it will be done…” Couple prayer increases two walking together in agreement – “How shall two walk together unless they agree to do so.” (Amos 3:3)

What are some reasons that couples are not engaging in prayer together? Here are a few:

  • They do not know how to pray or how to pray together.
  • It’s just too intimate.
  • It’s too risky – putting our hearts out there or exposing our greatest needs.
  • Feeling inadequate or awkward in prayer.
  • Unwilling to take or make sufficient time.  
  • Trust/mistrust – what will my spouse do with the information I share in prayer?
  • Fear of exposure.

Honestly, how can we walk together without prayer in our lives? How can we grow in intimacy without engaging in spiritual intimacy first? Start by taking five minutes (once a day or once a week) to give God thanks and then laying your requests at His alter. It will change you and it will radically change your marriage!

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A Message to the Newly Married or the Soon to Be Married

In another two months my wife and I will be married for 50 years. I hope that counts for something. 

When we look back, it’s easy to identify multiple mistakes that we made. It’s as well, easy to identify those decisions that worked. Taking responsibility for our decisions and their outcome is a major step toward maturity in a marriage relationship. Good decisions reap good outcomes and bad decisions reap a consequence that we both must own and then grow from. 

So, those thoughts lead me to pen some advice from an older married couple. Here goes:

  • Stay away from major discussions or decisions if you’re hungry or tired.
  • Treat your spouse the way you desire to be treated. (Luke 6:31)
  • Place your spouse ahead of yourself (Philippians 2:3-4).
  • Never leave or return home without finding each other and sharing a kiss and an “I love you.”
  • Make each other laugh. Have fun. (Proverbs 17:22)
  • Your most intimate connection is praying together (Matthew 18:19).
  • Do not look for 100% agreement in everything. Accept that you will always enjoy some personal differences. They’ll make you a better team.
  • Realize that agreement is greater than disagreement (Amos 3:3).
  • Conflict is inevitable and part of a close relationship. Conflict is not wrong, however; conflict without compromise and then finding a resolve is wrong.
  • Build a livable, agreeable budget and stick to it.  
  • Always have a short-term savings and a long-term savings.
  • Do your best to stay out of debt (Proverbs 22:7).
  • Never maintain a credit card balance (Psalms 37:21).
  • Give one another a monthly spending allowance.
  • Doing without lots of things can save your marriage.
  • Hold hands…a lot.
  • Write love notes and send cards in the mail to one another.
  • Bring home surprises for each another.
  • Date your spouse and when children arrive, date your children.
  • Check your pockets before putting your clothes in the wash.
  • Men, put the toilet seat down.
  • Divide cleaning responsibilities along with other household duties.
  • Take lots of time to talk and enjoy conversation.
  • Keep the TV and other devices out of or turned off in your bedroom.
  • Make your bedroom a special place where you end your day and then begin your day together.
  • No kids in your bedroom.
  • Remember that romance is not over once you’re married; it just began.
  • Always have at least one meal together every day, two if possible.
  • Keep complaining to a minimum; keep praise to a maximum.
  • Sit on the porch or deck together. No porch/deck? Build one.
  • Learn the skill of listening, not just talking.
  • Always construct in private.
  • When children arrive, remember they will be one of your most important contributions to your world; so treat them with love, respect, provide life-giving correction and don’t give them to someone else to raise.

There are more, but that’s for another time. 

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Is Marriage as God Planned it Taking a Backseat to Pleasure? (A truth-filled Valentine’s message.)

A study was done by two sociologists named Renerus and Uecker.  They found that three-fourths of 18–23-year-old woman are in dating relationships of some kind – and 94% of those are sexually active.  They also found that these girls who were sexually active with multiple sex partners were about 11 times more likely than virgins to experience elevated depression symptoms.  They found men are typically in control of when the dating relationship begins, but women are in control of when sex begins, and it often begins earlier than they want.

Women today are the losers, especially if they desire to remain as virgins until they marry.  They are put into a bind in their pursuit of a lifelong relationship and feel pressured to “take what they can get” as they watch the pool of available men shrink around them.  Men, however, are unlikely to marry in their 20’s apart from a belief that they are called to marriage and fatherhood.  Their decision to delay makes sense from a sexual perspective: they can access sex relatively easily outside of marriage and face few social pressures to be any different.  They can also choose the option of cohabitation.

The Destruction of God’s Institution Called Marriage

What is all of this doing in our culture?  It is little by little eating away at the sanctity of marriage as God created it.  It is little by little replacing God’s design with a careless and convenient counterfeit.  And it is little by little destroying the moral fabric of our society.   

But it’s different for Christian young people, right?  Unfortunately, not so much, as we continue to see a moral slide there as well.  Young people are compromising God’s standard every day.  I think the number one factor is they do not know God’s word; they are biblically illiterate. They are not reading His word and making His boundaries their boundaries. They are listening more to their flesh, their peers, viewing lots of sexual images through media and Hollywood than they are listening to their pastor or spiritual mentor.  Scripture is very clear when it comes to sexual behavior outside of marriage and yet the message today seems to be “relax…God is relaxed.”  

An expert in the law once asked Jesus the question, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?”  Jesus responded by asking him, “What is written in the Law?  How do you read it?”  The man said that one was to love God with all his heart and love one’s neighbor as oneself.  Jesus then told him, “You have answered correctly…do this and you will live” (Luke 10:25-28).  Was Jesus actually affirming the teaching of the law?  Yes, He was, not as a means of gaining God’s approval or love, but as a means of identifying our sinfulness.

The sins of the Old Testament are the sins in the New Testament: we are not to have or worship any other gods; we are not to worship any type of idol; we are not to use the Name of our God in any unholy way; we are to remember the Sabbath and keep it a holy day; we are to honor our parents, not murder, not commit adultery, not steal, not lie and not covet what others have.  While there were many Jewish traditions (dietary restrictions, for example), for our discussion, we are looking at the Ten Commandments rather than the intricacies of rituals, i.e., dress, food, ceremonial washings, etc.  Is murder still wrong?  Is stealing still wrong?  Is adultery still wrong?  We can still go to jail for most of these sins in our society.  We must identify and accept our sinfulness to be healed from it.

Our justification does not come through the law; it comes through Christ (Romans 5:1).  The law cannot save us; it is by faith and through grace that we are saved (Ephesians 2:5, 8).  However, what we must understand and what is rarely taught today is that “where there is no law there is no transgression” (Romans 4:15).

What Exactly Were Those Boundaries?

The scriptures forbid sex with close relatives, including your mother, your father’s wife, your sibling, your daughter- or son-in-law, your aunt, and your brother- or sister-in-law.  Scripture also forbids having sexual intercourse with your neighbor’s wife or animals.  Finally, the scriptures say that a man is not to have sex with another man “as one lies with a woman” (Leviticus 18:6-22).  God ends this chapter with a stern warning: “Everyone who does any of these detestable things – such persons must be cut off from their people.  Keep my requirements and do not follow any of the detestable customs that were practiced before you came and do not defile yourselves with them.  I am the Lord your God” (Leviticus 18:29-30).

Chapter 20 of Leviticus discusses the punishment for such sin and reinforces that we need to consecrate ourselves to be holy because God is holy.  Additionally in this chapter, God warns about committing adultery with your neighbor, sleeping with your daughter-in-law, sex with animals, sexual relations with your siblings, your aunt, your brother’s wife, and again, “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable” (Leviticus 20:7-21). Under the Old Covenant law, the penalty for most of these sexual infractions was death. 

Jesus Takes It Further than the Law

The Law of Moses was certainly very strict.  However, in Matthew 5, Jesus also addresses several issues, taking them beyond the Old Testament law.  He reminded His listeners that the law said to not murder, but then He added, “Anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment” (verse 22).  He also affirmed that the law requires that no one commit adultery.  Jesus takes this law further by saying, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (verse 28).  Under the law, death was the requisite punishment for the act of adultery.  Under grace, Jesus speaks an even higher standard of purity by stating that we can commit adultery in our heart, and it is just as unlawful as the act itself.

A Better Way

God has a better plan.  He has our best interests in mind.  In the Old Testament, one of the priests’ areas of responsibility was to “teach [the] people the difference between the holy and the common and show them how to distinguish between the unclean and the clean” (Ezekiel 44:23).  It seems that ever since the fall of man recorded in Genesis 3, we think we have a better way than God and are out to prove Him wrong, except that we keep getting deeper and deeper into trouble.  We bend the rules further and further away from His moral code, and daily we suffer the consequences of those selfish choices.

Sexual brokenness is a worldwide epidemic, with human sex trafficking as the newest form of slavery to plague our world.  Our insatiable desire for “sexual freedom” has led us right back to slavery in order to feed our base desires.  How much more wicked can our world become than to take fellow human beings, sell them into the sex trade, and then discard them as though they were worthless?  The heart of God surely must be broken over such depravity.

If there is no line drawn for our culture, our nation and our lawmakers, then how do we make any activity illegal or abhorrent, a “crossing over the line,” if we do not uphold a standard that establishes that line to begin with?  That standard must come from outside of our personal desires and emotions, otherwise it becomes what is right for me and too bad for you.

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Some Important Questions to Consider for the New Year

Have you evaluated 2024 with your spouse as yet? I mean, have you gone back over your year and discussed what you loved, what you missed, what you added, what you gave, what you received, what you grew in, what you failed in? Evaluation is a great way to end your year together.

Have you taken the time to share words of thanks with one another and to God? What are you thankful for? What can you thank your spouse for? Thankfulness blesses others and keeps our hearts from personal judgments. 

After considering those ideas, consider some questions that will help you to look forward to a brand-new year. Questions like:

  • What vision do we have for our marriage and family in 2025?
  • What exercise do we want to participate in together?
  • What rhythms will we continue/discontinue?
  • How can I help my spouse grow in their relationship with God?
  • How can I be a reflection of God to my spouse?
  • What couples or persons in our lives can help us to grow in our marriage?
  • How can we better participate in a sabbath?
  • What can increase our affection toward each other?
  • How can we maintain our sexual intimacy?
  • How can we grow our prayer intimacy together?
  • What are some healthy marriage maintenance moves we can make in 2025?
  • What spiritual goals can we create?
  • What financial goals can we create?
  • How can we make regular deposits of love in each other’s life?
  • What marriage book can we read together?
  • What marriage conference can we participate in?
  • How can just the two of us vacate together?

Looking back, giving thanks and then looking ahead can be a tremendous value to your marriage relationship. It can give you focus, bring correction and provide unity in direction. Marriages that make it 40 or 50 years are marriages that take seriously personal and couple change to become more loving, more giving, more complimentary, more forgiving and more generous.

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Love Your Marriage Enough to Evaluate It

As we head into the last month of the year 2024, it’s a good time to look back. A look back is a great way to assess where we’ve been. In last week’s blog, we considered looking ahead and writing goals for our marriage. See it here.

So many things in life are assessed; why not our marriages? I often ask my wife if I traveled too much? Did I support her around the house sufficiently? Did she feel my support with the children? Did we engage in ample date nights? Have we been in financial agreement? Did she feel cared for and honored?  And here’s a tough one: did she see God in me more than she saw my selfish desires?

If we’re not in a good place, evaluation or marriage assessment can get us back on track by revealing where we went off track. If we’re in a good place, evaluation is not painful, but rather reassuring that we’re on course for what’s ahead. Evaluation helps us get onto the same page. We’re not judging one another; we’re thanking God for what we learned, what we went through, where we failed and where we succeeded. We’re considering what worked and what didn’t. 

Several years ago, we were assessing our prior year finances because we had a financial decrease forthcoming in the new year. I’m not sure about you, but discussing a decrease in salary is not a discussion I joyfully anticipate. We assessed our year and then began to cross out line items for the next year’s budget. We did it! 

Evaluation helped us to go forward as a couple. We would face the year ahead with unity and agreement.

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Goals for Our Marriage

We have personal goals, work goals, financial goals and spiritual goals. What are the goals for your marriage? Where is your marriage going and how will you get there?

Sometimes in our marriage we are so today-focused that we do not take the time to think about tomorrow. Where do you desire your marriage to be in a year, five years, or ten years? 

Key: If you do not plant those seeds today, you will never reach your desired “harvest” or goal tomorrow. 

I know, I know, not everyone thinks in terms of goals, especially goals for your marriage, but this blog is written to every marriage out there. You never reach a goal without planning and taking steps toward the goal. 

Mary and I desired to retire our mortgage within ten years. We prayed. We placed extra money on the principle every month. We placed windfalls, tax returns, every extra dollar we could to reach that goal. Month after month and year after year we worked hard and in agreement toward the goal of paying off our home. Did we reach our goal in ten years? No, but that didn’t stop us or discourage us. We plugged away at it and not long thereafter reached our goal. 

For many years we loved taking our family vacations with our children. In time, our children were all married, but they still desired to do a family vacation. We made that happen as often as we could, but at the same time realized we had no personal vacation planned as a couple. 

Our goal became planning a year ahead for a week of vacation by ourselves. We have been doing so ever since. This goal helped us to have a loving, intimate and separate time together without caring, cooking and cleaning for others. 

When you create goals for your marriage, you’ll find yourself identifying areas that need strengthening. As a goal is communicated, prayed through and acted upon, your marriage will grow in connection. Goals for your marriage will keep you focused toward a future desire that will also build intimacy and commitment. 

Set aside some time at the local café and discuss a goal or two for your marriage. You will never regret it!

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The Five-Step Conditioning Process of Pornography

The stats are frightening as pornography use creeps down to eleven-year-old kids. Eighty five percent of teenage young men are viewing porn at an alarming rate. There are over 400 million pornographic pages available on over four million websites. Pornography use is said to increase marital infidelity by 300%! And those are only a few of the statistics available today exposing this horrific cancer in our society. 

How does it grow from curiosity to a full-blown addiction? What is the process that takes place? If we can identify that, we stand somewhat of a chance to avoid an addiction. 

Psychologists tell us there are five steps:

  • Introduction/ exposure – There is some form of exposure to porn, typically by a “friend.” This often takes place during the childhood years. 
  • Habit/compulsion – Those who continually and frequently expose themselves to porn find they have to continually return for more – another high. This begins the chemical process or wash over the brain causing sexual stimulation and the need for more. 
  • Intensification – The previous highs are not enough, so the user looks for more exotic forms of sexual behavior for stimulation. 
  • Desensitization – What is abnormal becomes normal sexually. Nothing is too shocking or aberrant. The concern of hurting others gets lost in the pursuit of the next sexual experience or high. 
  • Acting upon one’s fantasy/imagination – Eventually we will enact upon what we have seen and what we find pleasurable. These behaviors will be required from a spouse, a prostitute, a date or a minor. This often results in rape. 

The escalation of use occurs because we tell ourselves we’re simply being entertained with something that is harmless. After all, God created men, women and sex. But the more porn we feed our brain, the more extreme forms of it are necessary to become aroused. 

Have you ever noticed the number of erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs that are advertised on TV? Do you know why? Pornography. Younger and younger men with a porn addiction cannot function normally due to porn use. The addiction is stealing from them. Real life partners become bad porn. No woman or man can compete with the airbrushed perfect images displayed in pornography.

Pornography is killing marriages today. If you want to undermine or destroy your marriage, pornography use is a good way to do it. It will completely diminish any level of trust that you have built over your years of marriage. Pornography use opens doors that you do not want to open. 

Here’s the truth: pornography is fake! Every page, every site, every movie is fake. All of it is built on lies like, “It’s an innocent distraction; it’s harmless.” Meanwhile, it is literally destroying your life, your marriage and it has the potential to destroy your family. 

Is viewing pornography sin? Yes. We are engaging in sexual immorality and dishonoring God’s design for intimacy within the confines of marriage: one man with one woman. Pornography use will never take us where God ultimately desires to take us in our walk with Him. 

Stay tuned to part two of pornography when we look at some answers to help move away from this sin. 

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The Myths That Surround Marriage and Divorce These Days

How often have we heard that one in two marriages are ending in divorce? How frequently do we hear that marriage as an institution is on its way out? I am here to tell you just the opposite!

Shaunti Feldhahn, who is a Harvard trained Wall Street analyst and researcher has some very good news in her book, The Good News about Marriage

Shaunti reveals that the divorce rate in America has never been 50%. In fact, the divorce rates are actually declining. Seventy one percent of woman remained married to their first spouse and widowhood reduces the remaining 29%. Feldhahn states this brings us to a 25% divorce rate. 

Feldhahn also states that the rates of divorce among Christians are even less. Yes, those who share a like faith in their marriages were found to be at a 22% divorce rate according to a survey done by Family Life of 50 churches in 2013. 

From a Pew research: only one half of Americans are married today compared to 71% in 1960. Could this be connected to the pessimistic attitudes about God’s design for marriage? However, divorce rates have increased among those who live together, cohabitate, before marriage. They actually build a noncommitted attitude within their relationship and that spills over into their ensuing marriages, increasing their likelihood of divorce. 

Are marriages happy today? Yes! About 80% of marriages are happy and some rated their marriage “very happy.” In the book, those who decided to work through their differences will eventually find a greater level of happiness. Why? It was found that most couples know marriage takes work and they do not mind working toward that happiness. In one study, it was discovered that 93% of spouses would marry their same spouse all over again.

There you have it. Take courage; marriage as an institution is not failing. Divorce is not the biggest threat to marriages today. So, if you’re married, be encouraged, keep working, keep loving, keep praying and keep believing in your marriage. Your children will bless you for it. 

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