Category Archives: Premarital

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Do I Need to Listen More?

Have you ever bristled at those dreaded words, “We need to talk!”? It seems inevitable that something (most times something negative) in our relationship has been given a chance to grow and now we need to take the time to talk it through. 

Only imagine if one of us countered, “I need to listen”?  I have repeatedly shared that colleges offer effective communication courses and public speaking classes, but have you ever noticed them offering a public listening course? I haven’t, and yet people pay counselors $150.00 plus per hour–fifty minutes actually–and feel better just because someone took the time to listen to them. 

How are your listening skills progressing in your marriage? Listening expresses to the person you are listening to importance and worth. It shows willingness to take in another’s perspective. It reduces aggression in a conversation by not being defensive. It shows respect and honor. It helps to create an atmosphere of understanding. 

Listening is a skill and it’s one that will go a long way in marriage. If our mate feels heard, not necessarily agreed with, they will feel valued. Showing value is priceless in a relationship. What we value we will give our time to.

The scripture wisely adds this: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” (James 1: 19-20)

Quick to listen, slow to speak.…

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Ten Essentials to Keep Your Marriage Thriving

As my wife and I celebrate our fiftieth year of marriage, we have learned there are seasons to this union—those that are celebratory, those that seem boring, and those that are gasping for air. From our perspective, here are ten essentials to keep your marriage on track and thriving. I call them the Ten Commandments of marriage.

1. Love God above All Else

To love your spouse, your children, or yourself above God is simply incorrect. Jesus said we are to love God with all of our heart, mind, and soul and then love our neighbor as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:37). We could say that your “closest neighbor” is actually your spouse. Note, however, that loving our neighbor comes after— “and then…”—loving God.

Did you catch that “as you love yourself” part? To be able to love another deeply, we must first know the love of God for ourselves. Unless we know and fully understand that He is madly in love with us, that we are fulfilled in His acceptance and know His approval, we will lack in our love toward our spouse.

Paul says it this way: “No one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:29). You cannot hate yourself while at the same time claim to love your mate. You and your spouse are one.

2. Do Not Be Self-Consumed or Walk in Selfish Ambition

Selfish ambition leads one to focus on his or her own interests, needs, and desires, often at the expense of others. It reflects immaturity and will kill a marriage faster than almost anything else. Selfish ambition is defined in the Bible as acting on your own for your own greater good, being interested only in yourself, being filled with vain conceit, and not walking in humility.

To the contrary, we are strictly commanded to be like Christ, who became a servant. Even though He was God, He did not chase after that equality but gave up His divine privileges by taking the human nature and giving of Himself to the point of death on the cross (Philippians 2:3-8).

Are you looking for ways to serve your spouse every day? Marriage is not a fifty-fifty deal. It requires a 100% devotion to serve and care for the other first. Marriage exposes how self-centered we are. This reality has the potential to destroy our relationship but also exposes our need to change. Marriage is not about me or having my needs met but rather asking God to help me partner with Him in blessing my spouse.

3. Love Her or Him and Make Your Partner Holy

Did you know that you could help make your spouse holy? It is explained right there in the Bible. 1 Corinthians chapter 7 says that a believing spouse can sanctify an unbelieving one.

You can only imagine how a believing spouse can bless, sanctify, and edify his or her believing spouse. When we become our spouse’s cheerleader, even when they feel as though they are losing the game, we help build them up to increase their faith for a better future. Far too many individuals see themselves as their spouse’s critic. This destroys their emotional connection. Criticism does not motivate; love does. We are called to speak the truth in a love-filled manner and ensure that our speech is full of grace (Ephesians 4:15).

Because of the Proverbs 31 woman and who she was, her husband found himself sitting at the gate, a respected elder of his city. As you reflect God to one another, you will build holiness in one another.

4. Play Together

Can you remember all the fun things you did while dating? Are you still laughing together—really laughing? Marriage must be fun. If it was not meant to be fun, then God would not have created it.

What has happened with humor in your relationship? Where did it go since children came along or all the medical bills came due? Boredom is simply unacceptable within marriage. If we can predict a daily routine, then we have lost spontaneity and excitement. We have allowed tedium, dullness, and monotony to set in.

Break that cycle by bringing home flowers, sending a card to your spouse’s workplace, turning the stove off and running out for Chinese food or playing a game that is not too competitive. Watch one of your favorite funny movies and laugh again. Regularly search for local happenings that you can attend together—just for fun. Recently, Mary and I attended a local “bridge bust” and then laughed the whole way home about how it truly was a “bust.”

Finally, make a list of fun and creative things to do together and prioritize them; you will never regret it. Proverbs reminds us that a merry heart has medicinal purposes, so make fun a priority (Proverbs 17:22).

5. Honor One Another

Honor one another… now that’s a tough one! Perhaps the number one way to show honor to your mate is to freely give him or her your time. That requires giving your spouse priority over yourself, your work, and your children.

Honor is saying that, next to my relationship with God, you are the most important person in my life. We need to continually honor with our words and back those words up with actions and respect. We must regularly tell our spouse we love them and then demonstrate that love through honor. If we do not demonstrate honor, our words will fall to the ground, meaningless.

In honor, we pray for and with our spouse regularly. To communicate with God together is the most intimate thing you can be involved in. To honor God by bringing your marriage requests before Him will build more honor, admiration, and affirmation into your relationship.

6. Maintain Your Sexual Love

Love does not come as natural for men as it seems to for women. Women excel in this area, while men grow into this area. However, men would see themselves as excelling in sex. But sex without the love factor… well, it is just sex. And sex without relationship is lust.

God planned the boundaries of sex to be within marriage. The enemy of our soul has planned for all sex to be outside of marriage. Pornography has turned sexual intimacy into something we take while God’s plan has always been that sex is something we give. Which one provides the most satisfaction? Which one is the most love filled? Which one comes with commitment?

Maintaining our sexual love is another way to honor God and one another. Within marriage, we need to be reminded that our body is not ours; it belongs to our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:2-5). A healthy sexual life flows out of a healthy love life. Your sex life as a couple is often a picture of the rest of your marriage. Life is birthed out of our sexual intimacy as a couple.

7. Change Yourself First 

Very few people like the word “change.” It conjures thoughts of having to give in, give up, or surrender to the will of another. Our thinking might go something like this, “If I change first, then he/she will change, and that is what I really want to see.”

I can assure you, it does not work that way. We change because God is asking us to change, showing us a deficit in our life. We change because it’s best for our relationship. We change because we are motivated for our own reasons to make that change. However, if we change solely based upon what another desires, it will not be a lasting change. In the end, we will resent the one who has required change from us.

Growing up, growing closer as a couple, and growing closer to God requires our openness to change for the better. As I take responsibility for personal change, my marriage will change for the better.

8. Ask God Rather Than Fight 

Learning this one can take years of marriage practice. Once again, it is connected to prayer.

All too frequently, especially when we are in the early years of marriage, we “know” that we are right. And, if we are right, it automatically follows that our spouse is wrong. And, if our spouse is wrong, we win the fight, right? Wrong! If one of us loses, we both lose. Why? Because we are one.

If we are one in spirit, then it’s no longer “you” against “me.” In other words, Steve is Mary and Mary is Steve. Only one person came back down the aisle after you spoke your vows. If you are fighting and arguing to win, then you are already losing. James asks the question, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” (James 4:1). Fortunately, James also provides an answer. He wisely says, “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2).

Yes, it is really that simple. The choice is ours: fighting and arguing or praying and walking in agreement.

9. Engage in Co-Mission Together

How is God’s wisdom seen in the bringing of you and your spouse together? What are the redemptive purposes for your marriage relationship? What is your “why?”

These questions should lead you to discover what we call our marriage co-mission. More than likely, your workplace or local church place has a clearly stated mission. Why wouldn’t the first institution God created—marriage—also have a mission?

Knowing your co-mission is not difficult. Think about all the things the two of you are involved in and write those things down. Now combine the items that you are involved in together, like raising your children, teaching the youth group, or owning and maintaining your home. Begin to write your mission paragraph with your co-mission items, dreams, and visions for the future. This co-mission statement might change over the years, but it will continually give you the purpose of your call together.

A marriage mission statement provides the why of your marriage. It is the glue of your calling as a couple and provides commitment to a long-term marriage promise.

10. Use the Nine Most Important Words in Marriage

The nine most important words of marriage can take years of maturing to find and even longer to say. These words mean business. They are free of pride. They require a humble spirit. They require us to release our ego and admit wrong.

The nine most important words of marriage have instant medicinal effect. They bring healing. These words can initiate change, help you start over, and keep you from going back to an old pattern. When thoughtfully and truthfully communicated, these words are some of the most powerful words in the marriage relationship. If you will learn them, practice them, and speak them to one another, they will be a lifeline of healing and wisdom.

What are these nine most important words in marriage?

I am sorry; I was wrong. Please forgive me.

An apology, admitting we are wrong, and asking for forgiveness is an act of humility. It involves taking responsibility for mistakes. Forgiveness is s gift of God we desperately need to participate in frequently. There is too much at stake in a marriage relationship to not seek and offer genuine, heart-felt forgiveness.

There you have it: ten commandments to a lasting, prosperous, forgiving, loving, honoring, and fun-filled marriage. What a great gift God has given you in your spouse! Thank God and thank your spouse for that gift of love daily.

Learn More about Marriage: a lifelong affair

What’s next for your marriage? Staying Together is a unique book that’s been written by authors Steve and Mary Prokopchak. Whether it’s communication, trust, or sex; money, loss, or mission; kids, jobs, or insecurities, Staying Together has insight on how to navigate waters when they’re rough and better enjoy them when they’re smooth. Now is the time to make sure you’re in a marriage that’s not just surviving, but thriving.

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

From the First Date to Marriage!

Imagine I tell you that I met the woman of my dreams and on our first date we spent a full day together. We went for coffee, and we talked as we strolled the park. Then we found the perfect lunch spot along the canal front. By late afternoon we had talked constantly and are now holding hands. As a result, over dinner we decided to get married, tie the knot, get hitched!

What are you thinking of me and my first date? What is your immediate reaction, “You’re crazy?” To which I respond, “But you weren’t there; you have no idea of the love we feel.”

Obviously human bonding, relationships toward marriage, cannot occur from one date. It takes time to build a relationship that leads to a lifetime marital commitment.

Now suppose I tell you that I have been dating a young lady for five and a half years without any engagement or promise to marry. What are you thinking? I know I would be wondering if there is any reality for the future of this couple or are they wasting their precious time?

Just because something feels good does not mean it is good. That’s like gambling or playing the lottery. It takes time to build a sustainable relationship toward marriage, in the workplace with a boss or with your neighbor. How do you know that relationship has been built? Trust is at its core.

Without trust, relationships will always feel suspect, tentative or iffy. I cannot say how long it takes to build a trustworthy relationship, but I do know it is longer than a one-day date. We must discover core values, similar or complementary missions and dreams. 

If you’re wondering about your future and marriage, we have a resource to recommend to you. It will walk you through multiple questions to consider, a budget, co-mission, and much, much more. You can find that resource here.

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Challenge, Healing, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Bringing Laughter into Your Marriage

My wife and I love to laugh. We’ll catch Funniest Home Videos whenever we can. I take the time to show her funny YouTube videos or share memes that cause a chuckle. Why? 

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
    but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22)

Laughter brings joy to a marriage. It breaks down tension and relaxes the atmosphere. Laughter is medicinal to the soul, the spirit and the body. Laughter is physically, emotionally, and spiritually good for your marriage. 

Have you ever asked your spouse these questions? “What made you laugh today?” Or how about, “What’s the funniest memory you have in our marriage?” Bringing laughter into your marriage can help move us from a stale place, an angry place or a disappointed place to a place of smiles and positive emotions. 

Mary and I recently recalled one of the funniest times in our marriage. It was years ago when our kids were teenagers and we had just dropped off our daughter for a church activity. We noticed that all the lights were on at the brand-new Burger King in our town. There was traffic and people were inside eating. We decided on a hamburger dinner. It was strange though…

As we entered, the new manager offered us champaign. We made our way to the line to order and the kids behind the counter offered anything we wanted, any menu item for FREE. I said, “Free, are you sure?” “Yes” said the attendant. She then countered, “Order all you want, even dessert; it’s all free!” I immediately leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear, “We need to call our boys; they’ll show them how to do free.”

Mary went for our drinks while I grabbed a table. Within minutes she came running to find me. Looking straight at me with this horrid face of doom and speaking rapidly, but very quietly, said, “Steve, every person here is a parent of a kid who’s going to work here. It’s free because they are giving them opportunity to serve in real time to their families.” And then she added, “We have got to get out of here before someone asks us which of our kids will be working here!”

We gobbled our food down and hightailed it out of there. We found ourselves laughing for the next thirty minutes. We even woke up our sleeping daughter that night as we lay in our bed laughing out loud.

Laughing together will bring you closer; you’ll touch more and talk more. A conversation full of laughter is more intimate and will bring down your guard, creating an atmosphere of more openness.

Laughter– it’ll do your marriage good!

Our mouths were filled with laughter,
    our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
    “The Lord has done great things for them.” (Psalm 126:2)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

I Want to Make It Difficult for My Wife…

We’re often reminded that woman live longer than men. And in the possibility of my wife outliving me, there is a chance that she could remarry. Given that thought, let me finish my title to this blog: 

I Want to Make It Difficult for My Wife’s Next Husband

What on earth do I mean? Well, I try to keep up with all the maintenance around our house, fixing things as they break. I try to keep the lawn mowed and the weeds pulled. I do my best to stay after the leaves in the fall. I like to leave her notes around the house when I depart for a weekend or longer. I like to vacuum and help with the dishes and cleaning difficult places. Suffice it to say, I try to make life easier for her.

But here’s the thing… If she does remarry, my goal is to make that poor guy sweat drops of blood trying to keep up with her “first” husband. I want to leave an impression that causes her to remember me–the big and small things I did just to please her. I want to be the hardest worker she’s ever known. 

I desire to be the godliest leader that I can be, serving my King first and then her. I desire to love her children and grandchildren. I desire to speak words of affirmation and give gifts of praise. I desire to pray with her and over her daily. I want to make her laugh muiltiple times a day. I want to hold her hand often. I desire to tell her that I love her daily.

All these things and more might cause her next husband, who may have never met me, to never forget me!

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Can Divorced Persons Serve in Church Leadership?

I have been asked this question multiple times. I am not the final authority, but one thing I know for sure is that not every divorce is sinful, but most are the result of sin. 

“Not every divorce is sinful.” Does that statement in and of itself leave room for the divorced to be placed in local church leadership? I believe it does and here’s why.

Historically divorce was rare in the United States, and it was easy to simply say that divorced persons could not serve in leadership. In other words, in the rare case of divorce, denying leadership responsibilities was easy, quick and involved far less discussion and prayer. But that position can be punishing and made more so out of tradition.

With the changes in divorce proceedings and forced divorce, i.e., no-fault divorce, we are left with multiple interpretations of scripture. Also, one must decide if they desire to be led by feelings and culture or scriptural precedent. As a counselor, I often heard the following, “How can it be so wrong if it feels so right?”

Well, lots of things can be wrong that feel right. So, leaving selfishness behind, let’s delve into the question. 

First, divorce in and of itself is bringing trauma to the family. It rips apart two adults who have become one in covenantal relationship, and it is devastating to children. Kids do not care about 2 +2 if mom and dad are ending their marriage and affecting all the security they need, know, love and crave. As churches desire to be “relevant to culture,” they will cave to the feeling side of divorce. Church leaders in an effort to not offend will compromise the scripture. 

But God “hates” divorce (Malachi 2:16) because He knows what it does to individuals, families, extended families and ultimately to culture. I love when leaders are compassionate to those who have experienced the trauma of divorce, but that compassion dare not lead to an unscriptural view. 

Many who experience divorce would tell me that it occurred before they were Christians. However, marriage is not a Christian act; it’s a creation act of God. That means that any and all marriage vows are spoken to God until death do we part. 

Timing in divorced leaders is important. If the divorce was a year ago or even three plus years ago, there needs to be time, a season to observe the prospective leader’s character and integrity. How have they grown through what occurred them? What was the cause of the divorce and was it scriptural to divorce?  Has there been a remarriage of either party? Was there repentance and ownership taken for their part in the marriage ending? Have they received counseling for the wound(s) of divorce on the soul and spirit?

Paul told Timothy (I Timothy 3:2,12) that an elder must be the husband of one wife. Did that mean one wife versus multiples wives (polygamy)? Did that mean only one marriage partner for life? Or did that mean the divorced and remarried person is simply disqualified since they are now living with a second wife or husband?

The literal Greek translation was “one-woman man.” This meant a man who walks in integrity with eyes and faithfulness toward one woman and one woman only–his wife. The focus was and is moral purity. 

My personal reasoning behind this is that scripture did allow divorce for marital unfaithfulness and for abandonment. The church must focus on Christlikeness in character, longstanding integrity and godly leadership. Why? Because leaders are to be an example to the body of Christ–ones to emulate. 

Divorce is not God’s plan, and it will never be. With that clearly stated, we live in a fallen world and divorce is a part of it just as multiple other fallen nature things are. Redemption has come through Christ and He redeems the whole of man, not just partial aspects of mankind. We live and we walk in His redemption, through His shed blood and by receiving the forgiveness of our sin. (Ephesians 1:7)

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

The Blessing of Money in Marriage

Marriage oneness is a gift from God. However, one of the more difficult areas of marriage to reach oneness in is that of finances. My wife and I struggled in this area for years. She was a “spender” and I was a “tight wad.” At least that’s how we each viewed the other when it came to finances. 

The Fidelity company did a study in 2024 of couples and their money. It was pretty telling as they surveyed 1,800 couples. Fifty five percent felt good about their financial health. Twenty five percent said that money is their greatest relationship challenge. Among Gen Z couples that percentage increased to 29%. But what else did they discover?

  • 25% said they resent being left out of financial decisions
  • 25% said they are frustrated by their partner’s money habits
  • 34% said the disagree on their savings goal
  • 36% do not know how much money their spouse earns
  • 55% said they are making retirement savings decisions together
  • 53% did not agree on the amount of savings they needed for retirement
  • 47% disagreed on how much risk they are comfortable with in their investments

We obviously need to improve our financial relationship. We need to communicate and agree on our tithe and giving, our savings, our credit card use, our debt and our overall budget. God desires finances to be a blessing, not a curse. 

Mary and I finally discovered that she was not a “spender,” but rather a giver. I was not a “tight wad,” but rather a saver/investor for our future. Those two areas combined in our marriage, honoring one another and how we are built financially, has become a huge blessing and now an area of strength, agreement and oneness.

We save more in order to give more.

The blessing of the Lord makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it (Proverbs 10:22).

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Daughter Emails Her Dad About Her E-Marriage

Daughter’s email to her Father: “I’m coming home to get married. I am in love with a man who lives many miles away from me, but as you know that is not an issue in today’s electronic World Wide Web world. Living in Australia has simply not been a problem all the while he lives in Scotland. We met on eHarmony, almost immediately became friends on Facebook and have had long text chats on WhatsApp. Recently he proposed to me on Zoom and now we’ve had two months of relationship building through Face Time calls, as well as, many, many tweets on X. I will forward to you the link from my Drop Box account so you can view our photos and wedding plans. All that being said, Dad, I’m asking for your blessing and financial help as we’re planning a rather large wedding. 


Lots of love, Lilly 
 


Father’s reply: Dearest Lilly, wow! I’d suggest you two get married on Skype, use iTunes or Pandora for your music, book your honeymoon on Tripadvisor and check Yelp for things to do.  Later, I recommend you find a home or apartment on Craig’s List or Zillow, find design ideas for your apartment on Pinterest, furnish it through Amazon and Etsy and pay for it all by yourselves through Paypal and/or Zelle. And, if you ever get fed up with your electronically found Internet husband, sell him on Poshmark, Marketplace or auction him off on Ebay.

Good luck and lots of love, Dad

PS Send your mother and I the YouTube video of the ceremony.

Author unknown

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50 Years of Marriage! We Did It!!

We were just kids, as they say. Mary was fresh out of nursing school, and I was in the military during the Vietnam war. We had a small two-bedroom apartment and worked different shifts the first two years following our wedding vows. 

Learning each other’s nuances, family cultures, likes and dislikes was fascinating. With virtually no premarital counseling we were finally married and living on our own five hours south of our families. 

While we had been in semiserious relationships prior to ours, we were virgins, having saved the best of ourselves for one another. It was heaven on earth as we discovered new things about each other, learning to cook, and all things that go into making a newly formed family. 

Our first apartment.

Following those two years we set out to serve as missionaries to adjudicated teenage boys and did so for eight years – not heaven on earth. This mission tested everything we knew in life, marriage and the pursuit of happiness. It was tough believing for our needs, not fighting over who spent the last dollar and living in a facility with other staff members and the delinquents themselves. Through lots of trials and pain we grew stronger in our faith, our resolve, and our marriage.

So here we are at 50 years. How does a couple keep it together that long? How does a marriage make it through severe losses, great financial needs, disagreements, differing financial values, and (one of the most challenging) raising children into adulthood? Let us (my bride helped with this part) take a stab at answering that question.

  1. Choose your battles wisely. You just can’t agree on everything, but that does not mean you live disagreeably. Face the fact, even though you are one, you are two different individuals who see things differently. That is not a negative, it is something to be valued. Seeing things differently helps each of us to see what we’re not seeing. And that makes for a better team. 
  2. Speaking of team, work together at serving and honoring each other. How can you out serve and out honor your mate? Also important, honor one another’s extended families.
  3. Keep dating a priority. Never stop prioritizing fun, weekends away, rest and laughter.
  4. Know why you are called together. Know your marriage mission, write it down and keep updating it year after year. It is the “why” of your marriage relationship.
  5. Pray and worship together. Nothing is more intimate, connecting, or communicative than praying together. You will hear each other’s hearts and know one another’s deepest needs and desires. Worshiping together includes having a home church; one in which you are both comfortable in and are fed spiritually nourishing food. It’s a place where you can serve and be served by a godly family who cares about you, your marriage and your family. 

Proverbs 31 reminds us, “A wife of noble character who can find?   She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” 

We have lacked nothing of value these past 50 years. There is no greater, no deeper love than our heavenly Father’s and that love enables us to love and cherish each other through every day, every month and every year.

Reaching this milestone has made every mile we have traveled, every faith step we have taken, and every prayer we have prayed worth it. If we can make it, so can you.

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Advice Giving for Dad’s at Weddings

Having been the father of the groom, I have learned some things. 

First, father of the groom is a much easier role; there is little to nothing to do but enjoy the day. Perhaps the biggest deal was arriving on time. But I am not a very willing nonparticipant. I don’t mind a job or two. Well, not ordering the flowers, mind you, but there are things like:

My son had bacon wrapped scallops at his wedding reception. I instructed our server that when she came to the dining room floor from the kitchen with fresh, hot scallops, she was to immediately find me, the father of the groom. I do love bacon wrapped scallops. 

Then there’s the meeting new people to find out who they are and how they know the bride or my son. This job was specifically to be sure there were no wedding crashers showing up for a free meal or an easy date. I also enjoyed keeping the smaller ones away from the icing on the cupcakes. Who wants a cupcake with a dirty, little finger run through it? 

For your son’s one friend who started celebrating before the wedding and continues to do so during the reception…show him the door or order an Uber. You’ll do everyone a favor. 

Lastly, but certainly not least, was the dance with my new daughter-in-law. It is my one moment to speak directly into her ear and provide a calm, but stern warning that if she ever does anything to hurt or harm my son…or if my son ever…you have my permission to…. You can finish those sentences how you see fit. 

Father of the groom, take your role and responsibilities seriously. Someone has to do the hard stuff.

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