Category Archives: Training

Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Training, Women

Showing Public Affection: PDA

PDA, is an acronym for “Public Display of Affection.” If you’re married, how comfortable are you with PDA? Does it embarrass you? Would you rather not see it, or would you find a smile on your face when you observe a couple embracing affectionately in public?

I had a friend who longed for his wife’s affection while out walking. He simply wanted to hold her hand. However, she was raised by a family to believe public affection was being forward, almost bragging about their marriage in a way that flaunted pride. He tried and tried to convince her otherwise, but she would not relent.

If you’re married, affection is for your benefit, your marriage. To demonstrate your love to one another by affection is a form of maintaining intimacy. Holding your spouse’s hand says, “I got you, you’re mine, you’re safe with me, and I love you!” When we take the hand of a child to cross the street, we’re communicating nonverbally that we’ll protect them, care for them, keep them safe and that they can trust us. Why wouldn’t we want to give that same message to our spouse and to those who happen to catch us in the act?

Help bring security, attachment, affection and love to your spouse with a healthy dose of PDA. Hold hands, kiss and embrace. Your children may make fun at first, but they’ll grow to love you for it!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, In the news, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Singles, Training, Women

Integrity: It’s Up to Us

As a child, walking around an old “five and dime” store, I watched a gentleman remove the price tag from one sweatshirt and place it on another for a lessor price at the cash register. That occurred almost 60 years ago, but I remember the incident like it happened today. It made such an impact on my young mind. 

Integrity is a strict adherence to morality and ethnical value. It is walking in healing and wholeness. Integrity by definition is being “honest” and walking in, “soundness of moral character.” If we lack wholeness in an area of our lives, we can certainly lack integrity within that area as well.

Is integrity perfect?

Can we maintain integrity even while we are on a mistake-filled journey here on earth? I believe we can, as godly character is grown over time and mistakes are a part of that growth. If we live under strict codes, then all failures are placed upon our permanent record. But in living under grace, we find forgiveness for our failures and an Advocate who comes alongside us to reinforce the right responses for future application and personal growth. The journey, while not an excuse for sin, is about growth in the process, not perfection.  

I was driving over Memorial Day weekend and within several hours I counted no less than one dozen police officers sitting along the highway in their patrol vehicles. It was a constant reminder to obey the law, or I would suffer the consequences. If I disobeyed, fear would be my response.  If I obeyed the law, assurance of no wrongdoing was my confidence. That’s how the law operates. The law is written down or expressed by the lawgiver with certain consequences expressed for breaking that law. Infractions are taken seriously and often our motivation for following the law is fear. However, I don’t believe fear will ever stop us from breaking the law or the rules. 

For example, when smoking cigarettes there is a natural, physiological law that is put into effect in which one could eventually suffer from cancer. It’s even written on the cigarette pack themselves, but that law of possibly dying from cancer does not keep most people from smoking. Romans 4 tells us that the law points out the sin when it says, “Where there is no law there is no transgression.”

God’s grace in the process does not operate that way, because perfect love casts out fear. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (I John 4:18).” Romans 10:4 reveals that Christ is the end or the culmination of the law. God’s grace is not law-filled; it’s love-filled!

Love accepts that integrity is not perfect. Love embraces the journey. Love forgives the wrongdoing and love promotes more love, not fear. Obviously, we’re continually in need of a repentant heart in the growth process. There are plenty of faults to find in the psalmist David’s life, but in Psalm 41 he wrote, “In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever.” 

Integrity avoids moral failure

Life can be full of regrets, but integrity and high moral character will never leave one feeling remorseful. Job’s wife once said to him, “Are you still holding on to your integrity?  Curse God and die!”  However, the Bible reveals that even after all of Job’s loss, he did not sin or charge God with wrongdoing.  What amazing character this man walked in. If you’re like me, you are tempted but if you long to be more like Jesus, you also realize perfection will never be reached. Lifelong integrity can be your testimony and that testimony begins today.

The following examples are numerous areas of life which you would benefit from as you walk in integrity (26 observations). These are expressions of honor toward God and possible personal life consequences if we fail to walk in integrity. 

When walking in integrity you would:

  • Maintain your personal testimony and walk before God
  • Maintain an uninhibited marriage of oneness (spiritually, sexually, emotionally) Obviously, the lack of integrity can greatly affect a marriage!
  • Not have to work at winning a spouse’s trust back
  • Maintain family by not embarrassing them and not losing their respect and trust
  • Depending on your level of leadership, not have to walk away from a job or ministry position
  • Not have to relocate 
  • Not have to face news articles, publicly printed communication and social media posts about personal failure
  • Not have to face rumors, gossip and lies
  • Not have to face untold and far-reaching negative consequences either based on truth and fact or hearsay and lies
  • Not have to face the law or possible lawsuits
  • Not lose or forfeit many friendships and local church relationships
  • Live without wounds and scars
  • Not feel as though everyone is watching 
  • Not suffer from overwhelming thoughts of failure
  • Not continually relive the past, coming up with regret and loss
  • Live without continual condemnation and guilt or false guilt
  • Be able to sleep at night
  • Wake up in the morning looking forward to a new day, rather than dreading a new day
  • Not have to be concerned about who you may face in the day
  • Not suffer the loss of vision
  • Not have to go through biblical discipline and a restoration process
  • Be able to look at your family and all others in the eye
  • Be able to look at yourself in the mirror without feeling like a failure
  • Have a clear conscience; walking through life without a cloud over oneself
  • Not lose your peace and joy    
  • Not suffer the loss and grief of broken relationship with God

That said, integrity goes beyond sexual morality

Integrity does not just touch moral areas of character, but also our character when it comes to finances and truth telling. Jesus talked a lot about money and how we walk out financial integrity, speaking loudly about our character. Our use of money, debt, credit, tithe and giving reveal who owns our finances. When we walk in financial integrity, we will demonstrate a deeper sense of integrity to ourselves and others.

Integrity is full of truth

Truth-telling is a matter of integrity as well. Are we 100% truthful and if not, do we correct our near truths? Proverbs remind us, “The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful (Proverbs 12:22).” I long to be a delight to my Lord and truthful lips will be a part of that relationship. 

It’s up to us. We can choose integrity in some things or all things. 

Ten observations about pursuing integrity 

  1. Integrity is God’s choice for me.  (I Kings 9:4)

God told David to walk before him with integrity of heart and uprightness.

2. Job said he would not deny his integrity and his conscience would not reproach him. 

David wrote, “Vindicate me, Lord, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity.”

3. Integrity starts in my heart.  (I Chronicles 29:17)

God tests our heart and is pleased when He finds integrity.

4. It is easier to not be a man or woman of integrity.  (Job 2:9)

Job’s wife asked Job if he was going to hold on to integrity, curse God and die.

5. Integrity is something I grow in.  (Psalm 103:8 – 14)

God will remove our transgressions, have compassion, realizing we are but dust.

6. Be an example; show integrity.

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought; use sober judgement. (Romans 12:3)

7. It means not being able to defend ourselves before others at times.  (Psalm 25:21; 41:12) 

Our integrity protects us. Because of integrity God upholds us.

8. Jesus maintained integrity before men who constantly judged him.  (Mark 12:13, 14; Hebrews 5:8, 9; Proverbs 29:10)

Even the Pharisees told Jesus they knew He was a man of integrity.

9. The closer I come to Jesus, the more integral I become.  (Proverbs 2:21; 11:3)

When we walk in integrity, we walk securely; integrity will guide us.

10. Proverbs 13:6 tell us, “Righteousness guards the person of integrity.”

The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9 NLT)

If we choose to not walk in integrity, we will eventually need intervention.  Intervention will then bring about the need for restoration.

The two sides of integrity

Integrity has two sides: that which you will not do and that which you will do. The latter is often forgotten when it comes to integrity.  Integrity is adhering to principles that you or your ethical and moral side hold as truth and of value to follow.  

All too often we know what we’re not desiring to do, e.g., be unfaithful to our marriage, cheat our employer, lie on our taxes, or pursue dishonest gains.  Even our faith can dictate what we will not participate in. But what about the part of integrity that calls for what we will do?  

Romans chapter twelve gives insight into this issue when it says, “Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” (Verse 9) Do you see the two sides?  What are you “clinging” to?  In other words, if gossip is wrong and not integral, then what should we cling to?  We could begin with telling the truth and then we can add what we really like about a certain person–an encouragement. 

 If we are tempted to call a politician a derogatory name and slander them, we could refuse to enter into that side of politics and speak life-giving words instead.  The scripture is very clear about this area of integrity.  To participate in words of slander is clearly not biblical or integral, “But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language from your lips (Colossians 3:8).” (See also Ephesians 4:31; Titus 3:1-5; I Peter 2:1; Jude 1:9,10.)

If stealing is wrong, not integral, we can work hard, earn extra and give more away to others. (See Ephesians 4:28.) Integrity is not just connected to what we don’t do, it is also connected to what we will do and how we will act toward others. 

Practical steps

The medical field can be filled with mistakes because humans make mistakes. But I have watched how the medical field polices itself. Self-reporting is required. If my wife, as a nurse, makes a medication mistake, she has an immediate process to follow, to chart and to make others aware. It is an integral process of self-reporting. 

If she chooses to tell no one, not chart her mistake, but it is eventually discovered and the error is exposed, she will face immediate disciplinarian action. If she self-reports, the consequences are far less severe.

Churches and church leaders do not often self-report because of the fear of being fired. There are cases of leaders just confessing temptation and/or sin facing no correction or accountability. 

Steps we can take:

  1. Become a self-reporter.
  2. Assume what you say and do in private will be made public.
  3. Do not say something, post something or forward something on social media that you would not say publicly to the audience you lead.
  4. Stay humble, stay real, be accountable, and work on any area(s) in which you may lack integrity. The scripture states to have an honest estimation of yourself. 
  5. Be honest and be trustworthy. Your follow-through is part of your word. Your word and your walk are your integrity in action. 

Two warnings: 1. Be forewarned; the lack of integrity has a way of surfacing. 2. It takes a lifetime of building integrity and only minutes to lose it! If you really want to know the integrity of an individual, talk with their spouse.

Embrace integrity today; it’s the only life-building, life-giving way to live on this earth. Ask God to show you any area of your life that lacks integrity. He will show you and He will also make a way of escape in order to change and grow in that area of your life.

Lastly, never assume the “anointed” are full of integrity. Remember that anointing is not necessarily full of integrity or character. Anointing and giftedness may not be removed even as we fail to live in integrity. 

In Jim Baker’s book, I Was Wrong, his confession of error was that he placed people on a platform because of their gift and their anointing, even though he knew their integrity was lacking. 

“Help us, Lord, to not make the same mistake.”

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, In the news, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Training, Women

Navigating Leadership Disappointment and Failure

Some answers for the recently exposed leadership failures

Having walked in ministry leadership for over 50 years, I can accurately and factually say, if sin is present in the lives of leaders, it will sooner or later surface. There will eventually be some form of exposure, and a reckoning will follow. 

When God’s leaders are covering up and lying about sin in their lives, His mercy will be extended, but not for a lifetime. Out of His love, He will expose it. Someone well said, “Failure is not always sin, but sin is always failure.”

Galatians 5:19-21 (TPT)

 “The behavior of the self-life is obvious: Sexual immorality, lustful thoughts, pornography,
 chasing after things instead of God, manipulating others, hatred of those who get in your way, senseless arguments, resentment when others are favored, temper tantrums, angry quarrels, only thinking of yourself, being in love with your own opinions, being envious of the blessings of others, murder, uncontrolled addictions, wild parties, and all other similar behavior. Haven’t I already warned you that those who use their “freedom” for these things will not inherit the kingdom realm of God!”

Failure in leadership will always relate to our personal decisions and then our actions. We’re all broken and imperfect leaders, but that does not mean we are separated from God or our accountability within the local church. 

There is a HUGE difference between one exposing their own sin or failure versus our sin or failure being exposed by another. One is our own volition which will decrease collateral damage and the other becomes a stain on the body of Christ and results in unknown levels of collateral damage.

The outcome of sin or moral failure in leadership is based on two important factors: what we as an individual do about our failure, in other words, how we respond, and then what leadership does about that failure.

I’ve also heard it said, “You can stub your toe a hundred times, but you can only cut your throat once.” The way we, the church, your church chooses to handle leadership failure will either make or break that church or organization. With humility and confession, the church must respond with healing and restoration steps. However, depending on the level of authority, restoration looks different. What are some of the quantifiers?

Quantifiers include:*

• Qualitative Assessment: How serious were the sinful acts and to what degree

were people victimized by their action?

• Quantitative Assessment: How long was this sinful behavior practiced and how

many victims were involved.

• Voluntary Action: Did this person confess on their own or were they caught and forced to

confess?

• Cooperative Conduct: Did this person cooperate with investigators or were they absent

and/or uncooperative?

• Active Coverup: Did they confess their sins during the time of their perpetrated acts, or

did they seek to continuously cover them up with co-conspirators?

• Repentant Behavior: Was there sincere and open repentance from the heart or

were they more concerned about preserving their own reputation or the reputation of the organization?

• Humble Submission: Was there a willingness to submit to church discipline and

adhere to those requirements or was he/she unwilling to do so?

Once again, did this person come forward and confess their own sin? David in Psalms 36 writes, “There is no fear of God before his eyes. For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin.” (Verses 1b, 2)

It’s all disappointing, but lest we get ahead of ourselves and point fingers, we must ask ourselves how would we like personal failure to be handled in our lives? How would we like to be treated? Would we desire grace or law? Would we desire restoration or complete failure? Forgiveness or judgment? We cannot compromise God’s word to protect personal reputation, but at the same time we must confront in truth, love, and grace because healing, restoration, and restitution are the goal.

So, it’s confrontation without partiality and confrontation for purity of the church versus an individual’s comfort or the preservation of a ministry.

Our purpose:

We work toward Colossians 1:28: “He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.” Also, Galatians 4:19: “My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you…” 

And I Timothy 5:19-21: “Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. 20 But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning. 21 I charge you, in the sight of God and Christ Jesus and the elect angels, to keep these instructions without partiality, and to do nothing out of favoritism.”

As well as I Corinthians 4:1-5: “This, then, is how you ought to regard us: as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the mysteries God has revealed. 2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. 3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.”

A real-life example:

In giving oversight to churches we will come across failure among leaders. On one occasion, an elder confessed to his wife of his extramarital affair with another woman, then confessing to his children, along with the elder team, to God and then to his church congregation (I am not sure about the actual order of confessions.). 

From there we developed a plan for healing and restoration with full repentance and turning away from sin. We described the plan he would be required to submit to. Several congregants came to us and shared, “Thank you for dealing with this forthrightly, righteously, lovingly and openly. It brings security to know our leaders and our leaders’ leaders are confronting sin and desiring to bring restoration. In our prior churches sin was always covered over and the person or leader who sinned left.”

Everywhere we look today, God is cleaning house: From IHOP to Hillsong, to the Southern Baptists, to the Catholics. He is also exposing politicians and CEO’s. This in and of itself should put the fear of God in each of us. 

A side note observation of all this exposed sin

What can inadvertently happen is that churchgoers, godly people, become disillusioned and disappointed or can even grow apathetic, e.g., “If our leaders can’t hold it together, how do I stand a chance?”

Hebrews 12:2: Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith, not any leader. We must keep our eyes on Him. Jesus experienced disappointment in others. He watched the 72 walk away from following Him. I believe He processed those feelings and those thoughts with His Father. Our encouragement from this is that we must take our disappointments to God. 

Hebrews 10:25 – We do not stop meeting together even though we are a very imperfect church with imperfect leaders. 

Two international churches:

When I meet new leaders I take them and their spouse through some extensive questioning. I let them know we may all have skeletons in our closet, but those must be dealt with biblically and appropriately so they can come to healing. We are attempting to avoid those skeletons being exposed down the road when they not only hurt the leader but, possibly, also hurting those whom they lead. 

Sin destroys our credibility and trust and if not self-exposed and brought into the light, it can also destroy the relationship. As leaders walk in unrepentant and unconfessed sin, some of the following will accompany them and their leadership: 

  • the misuse of power/authority
  • the misuse of scripture
  • the misuse of emotions
  • the mishandling of resources – finances in particular

As I confronted the first leader with sexual issues, he refused to confess for multiple meetings until he finally gave in when I told him the Lord had revealed to me that something was terribly awry. He refused counsel to bring what was in the dark to the light. He turned his leadership team against me behind my back. I was unable to tell my side to his leaders and we lost that very valuable church. But more importantly, we lost the relationships we had developed over time.

The second international leader I had to confront confessed, repented, apologized, stepped down from all leadership and entered a lengthy process of healing with a hopeful restoration of ministry. Unfortunately, his confession resulted in a divorce, but I believe he himself has been spared of judgment by cooperation with steps of healing and restoration.  

It is a long road back. When we fail, we don’t realize or do not always connect our actions to how many persons our sin will and does affect. 

I Corinthians 9:27 – “No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” We can actually disqualify ourselves from leadership.

II Corinthians 7:9-19: “Yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” 

We long for healing for the fallen, but at the same time, we must remember the ones this sin affects and harms. If we do not attack the cancer in the body of Christ, in our local church, it will spread. In many cases being exposed today, the leader’s sin, even if initially unknown, can trickle down into other leaders and affect even more innocent people.

A four-step process:

  1. Disassociation: I Corinthains 5:9-18: “I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world.11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[a] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. 12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. Expel the wicked person from among you.”
  2. To reach an act of forgiveness: II Corinthians 2:5-11: “If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. 6 The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. 7 Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.9 Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. 10 Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, 11 in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”
  3. To be able to restore in a spirit of meekness: Galatians 6:1: “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”
  4. Making restitution: Luke 19:8-9 (ESV): “And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.” 9 And Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, since lhe also is a son of Abraham.”

You and Me:

We are a part of the integrity of our local church, our family and our marriage, but more so, of Christ. When the Bible forbids something and calls it sin, it is forbidden. We are never to overlook something illegal, immoral, unscriptural or be part of a coverup of the same. We do not cover for sin or evil. “Do not touch God’s anointed…” is not a verse that justifies covering up anything. We cannot neglect Matthew 18.  And you cannot rationalize with irrational people who defend their sin. 

Many ask the question: do you confront publicly?

To someone who is not in a public leadership position, and they hear you and receive you as you walk through Matthew 18, no. To leadership individual who are involved in chronic, ongoing sin and who does not confess, but cover up, yes. Our example? Galatians 2:11-13: Paul is confronting Peter. “Now when Peter had come to Antioch, I withstood him to his face, because he was to be blamed; 12 for before certain men came from James, he would eat with the Gentiles; but when they came, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing [f]those who were of the circumcision. 13 And the rest of the Jews also played the hypocrite with him, so that even Barnabas was carried away with their hypocrisy.”

At the same time realize your own potential for failure. 

I Corinthians 10:13: 13” The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”

Ways to walk in health, integrity and accountability:

  1. Make a personal commitment to God’s word and His standards for personal boundaries. The word of God, containing the boundaries of God, has been given for our protection. 

Psalm 119:9 – “How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word.”

Write down your personal ministry boundaries! For example: not traveling alone; not counseling the opposite sex alone, etc.

  • Maintain your marriage vows and commitment. 

What are your marriage boundaries? Write them down in agreement with your spouse.

Proverbs 5:18-19: “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always.
May you always be captivated by her love.”

Grass is greener when you water it and fertilize it. Water your marriage, grow it, sow into it actively. Lust is not physical attraction – that’s humanness. Lust is desire to take what is not yours. Redirect your attraction to your life mate.

  • Be accountable and self-report – everyone in authority is under authority. Every one of us needs accountability. 

Everyone in the medical field is held accountable by self-reporting and constant computer charting. When a medical professional makes a medicine mistake, they are required to report it by placing it into their charting logs. If they fail to do this and their mistake is discovered, they will surely be fired from their job. However, if they are completely honest about their mistake and report it properly, they most likely will keep their job with a warning. This is a process of taking a wrongdoing from the dark and successfully, forthrightly, and honestly bringing it into the light.

  • Monitor your thoughts:  Beliefs –> Thoughts –> Feelings –> Actions –> Habits  

“Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. 15 These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” (James 1:14-15)

As we monitor our thoughts and then backtrack to our beliefs, we’ll discover either misbeliefs or God’s beliefs. It is the ongoing process of Romans 12: 2 – “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

David said in Psalms 101: 3 – “I will not look with approval on anything that is vile.

I hate what faithless people do; I will have no part in it.”

  • Keep watch and magnify the consequences. Know what tempts you. Ask yourself: Is it worth it? What do I stand to lose? What is the possible collateral damage?

“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,[a] your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy,[b] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!” (Matthew 6:22-23)

12 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” (James 1:12)

Temptation to sin is always shortsighted and not thought through. To be unfaithful to the Lord, to your marriage and family, you must make multiple wrong decisions to pursue something wrong or sinful – multiple. We each have ample opportunity to stop, listen to that still small voice and repent, cut off our thoughts and our actions so that we can return to God’s truth and the freedom His truth provides.

*Thank you to the PRT team and Mark Pfeifer for these qualifications.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Politics, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

Do I Need to Listen More?

Have you ever bristled at those dreaded words, “We need to talk!”? It seems inevitable that something (most times something negative) in our relationship has been given a chance to grow and now we need to take the time to talk it through. 

Only imagine if one of us countered, “I need to listen”?  I have repeatedly shared that colleges offer effective communication courses and public speaking classes, but have you ever noticed them offering a public listening course? I haven’t, and yet people pay counselors $150.00 plus per hour–fifty minutes actually–and feel better just because someone took the time to listen to them. 

How are your listening skills progressing in your marriage? Listening expresses to the person you are listening to importance and worth. It shows willingness to take in another’s perspective. It reduces aggression in a conversation by not being defensive. It shows respect and honor. It helps to create an atmosphere of understanding. 

Listening is a skill and it’s one that will go a long way in marriage. If our mate feels heard, not necessarily agreed with, they will feel valued. Showing value is priceless in a relationship. What we value we will give our time to.

The scripture wisely adds this: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” (James 1: 19-20)

Quick to listen, slow to speak.…

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It Can be Painful to Become Fruitful

I have grown apple, pear and peach trees for years and enjoyed the fruit they bear. It was a constant challenge however, growing fruit from those trees. There were diseases that attacked them. Ants loved those trees, as did multiple other insects. They had to be sprayed regularly and pruned annually. Of course, bees were necessary to pollinate them; rain, sun, and regular feeding to grow them. It’s any wonder with all the work there was any fruit at all. 

I had one other hazard to look out for with my fruit trees in particular–our yellow labrador retriever, Maggie. She loved picking the low hanging fruit. When it was green, she had endless fun playing with those “balls.” When it was ripe, she grabbed her daily share to lay down on our picnic bench and devour them. 

Without all the work there was no fruit, or at best, low quality fruit. But work should yield good fruit, right? The concept of growing fruit is found in the Bible. Jesus spoke about it and He verified that His Father was a fruit grower as well. In John chapter 15 Jesus shared that He cuts off branches which no longer produce fruit. No fruit can be born without a connection to the tree. Jesus taught that He is the vine and we are the branches. Apart from Jesus, we cannot produce fruit. 

Further, He taught us about pruning or cutting the tree back so it can give more of its energy into growing fruit. It took me years to develop the concept of a proper pruning of a fruit tree. I can still recall one older gentleman who said, “After you cut the tree back, return to it and prune it again.” The tree looks pretty bare and hopeless to produce anything. 

When Paul the Apostle was writing to the Galatian church he mentioned “fruit of the Spirit” and then listed them as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. While God’s pruning of us as His branches is not painless, it serves a very clear purpose: producing fruit in our lives and ridding us of “the sinful nature desires” that are “contrary to the Spirit.” Like pruning a fruit tree to produce larger, sweeter, and more inviting fruit, our heavenly Father is pruning us so we can produce good and attractive fruit from our lives.

Your heavenly Father is a gentle vine dresser, but purposeful. He knows exactly where to operate, how deep to cut, and how much to sever. Grant Him permission to cut off the unfruitful desires of the flesh so He can grow His fruit of the Spirit in your life, “Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” (See Galatians 5:16-26.)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Training, Women

The Power of a Kiss

You’re married and I’m optimistic that you’re still kissing and hugging. If you’re not, can you remember back when that’s all you desried to do while dating or engagement? How frequently are you connecting with an embrace and a kiss?

The Gottman Institute conducted a study on how long it takes the brain to release the chemical oxytocin initiated by a kiss or a hug. Here are the results:

A kiss – held six seconds

A hug – held twenty seconds

That’s it. Now try it. Yes, give it a whirl. Go ahead; give it a try and test the study!

That’s a long kiss and a lengthy hug, but something happens. Perhaps you laughed. Maybe you smiled inside or initially found it uncomfortable. Whatever the feeling, this study proved that couples who continue to kiss, hug and be affectionate live four years longer than those who do not. What follows are some additional facts from their study.

What the six second kiss can do for you

  • It can build a ritual of connection. 
  • It can be a physical connection.
  • If your partner has initiated, then it’s turning toward your partner.
  • It boosts fondness and appreciation.
  • It builds appreciation between you.

And it can:

  • add to your emotional bank account.
  • boost your positives ratio’s.
  • lead to sexual attraction.
  • be self-soothing.
  • reduce cortisol (the “stress” hormone) and boost oxytocin (the “love” hormone).

Sometimes words fail us. At other times, we’re just missing each other. The six second kiss and the longer hug will reconnect us. It says, “I still love you, am attracted to you and need you.” You can say more to one another in six seconds of silent kissing, than you can in hour of argument.

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Finding Your Happy Pace

It is said that not everyone is a goal setter. There are those who live day-by-day; what will come will come and somehow get away with it. They specialize in not having a plan, being primarily spontaneous, and perhaps generally lacking or maybe even avoiding order. 

Then there are those who not only have a plan and goals, but they also have a list–a daily list. They love their list and especially enjoy crossing off those tasks completed. They feel productive and useful. And when they complete their list, only then can they rest. 

I personally fall into the latter group. I have lists for daily jobs, blogs I want to write, work I want to accomplish, and sermon messages I want to share. Checking off an accomplishment from my list gives me certain satisfaction. At the same time, I feel like I’m not missing things I should not miss. My lists are a reminder. While I am not driven by them, they help me find my pace.

If I don’t get through my list, then the items simply go to another day–no worries. I do not fret over my list if not every line item is accomplished. But I have a secret that I am going to let you in on. 

I start every day with God. I do not begin any list before I spend time with my Friend, my Savior, my Boss, and my Pace Setter. I want my list to honor Him first. And I want Him to be honored before my list. My priority is to “seek first the kingdom of God” and then knowing He will help me accomplish my list. 

The only way to really know someone is to spend time with them. The only way to have true direction is to hear your Father’s voice. He’s waiting to spend time with you, to speak to you, to love you and to share His thoughts so that your daily pace is directed by Him. Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us that there is a time for everything.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

From the First Date to Marriage!

Imagine I tell you that I met the woman of my dreams and on our first date we spent a full day together. We went for coffee, and we talked as we strolled the park. Then we found the perfect lunch spot along the canal front. By late afternoon we had talked constantly and are now holding hands. As a result, over dinner we decided to get married, tie the knot, get hitched!

What are you thinking of me and my first date? What is your immediate reaction, “You’re crazy?” To which I respond, “But you weren’t there; you have no idea of the love we feel.”

Obviously human bonding, relationships toward marriage, cannot occur from one date. It takes time to build a relationship that leads to a lifetime marital commitment.

Now suppose I tell you that I have been dating a young lady for five and a half years without any engagement or promise to marry. What are you thinking? I know I would be wondering if there is any reality for the future of this couple or are they wasting their precious time?

Just because something feels good does not mean it is good. That’s like gambling or playing the lottery. It takes time to build a sustainable relationship toward marriage, in the workplace with a boss or with your neighbor. How do you know that relationship has been built? Trust is at its core.

Without trust, relationships will always feel suspect, tentative or iffy. I cannot say how long it takes to build a trustworthy relationship, but I do know it is longer than a one-day date. We must discover core values, similar or complementary missions and dreams. 

If you’re wondering about your future and marriage, we have a resource to recommend to you. It will walk you through multiple questions to consider, a budget, co-mission, and much, much more. You can find that resource here.

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Holding Our Peace

Have you ever felt as though you faced something impossible–like really daunting? No matter what or how you thought about the situation you felt anxious, helpless, maybe even fearful. 

It was just like that for the Israelites when they found themselves fleeing Pharoah and his army. Exodus chapter 14 relates this familiar story. There they were sandwiched between the uncrossable water of the Red Sea and behind them Pharoah’s chariots with their earth-pounding horses coming closer and closer.

What was Israel’s response to Moses? They cried loudly, “Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians?’ It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!”

Moses told the people to “stand firm” as the Lord would fight for them. But catch the whole verse recorded in Exodus 14:14:

The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest. (AMPC) 

God told Moses to tell the people to “Hold your peace…remain at rest.”

Anxiety, feeling doom and being overwhelmed by the impossible is appropriate when we’re not realizing we can trust the Lord. It’s natural to feel just as the Israelites did. But God reminds us He has this; He’s in control. 

God stopped the sun for Joshua. God closed the mouths of the lions for Daniel. Joseph was released from prison and became second in command. Paul and Silas were singing while incarcerated when the prison doors opened miraculously for them. God can handle your situation as you give it over to Him, rather than finding yourself in anxiety and fear. 

He will fight for you, hold your peace and remain at rest.

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Maintaining Sexual Boundaries Within our Marriages and Ministries

It’s easy to cross a line today that should not be crossed, but has anyone ever sat you down and told you what some of those lines are? Most likely not. 

This blog is directed toward the male* leader who finds it confusing when complimented on his looks, clothes, his message or his ministry. Or who is responsible to provide counsel and input to such persons? How does one respond to such persons that offer compliments, especially if they are coming from an attractive woman? How can you not be drawn toward or read more into those words that are so flattering and meant specifically for you? 

(*Note: If you are a female pastoral leader to whom these principles will also apply, feel free to substitute the opposite gender references in this article.)

Let’s discuss some boundary lines that will provide wisdom and direction for you.

  1. Meeting alone with a woman in your office: I do not care how professional you think you are, no one is above being tempted by the evil one. Your heart and the heart of your counselee may be perfectly pure, but the enemy of your soul is fully impure. And for the other side of things… all she needs to do is leave your office and claim inappropriateness. You’ll fully understand the saying, “Guilty until proven innocent.” It can end your ministry. Require your female counselee to bring a friend, a female leader in her life or grab a coworker from your office (that she is comfortable with) to sit in with you.
  2. Do not ready yourself for that appointment. This means how you are dressed, how much cologne you wear, and what language you’ll use. All of these can be subtle messages.
  3. Touch means something. Do not hold her hand, stroke her arm or hug her to “comfort” her. Even teenage woman can be confused by your touch. Yes, people need touch and yes, they need hugs, but not in this environment of vulnerability. 
  4. Do not allow yourself to be cornered in a building or a room alone for a private conversation with the opposite sex. This too is dangerous for you and her. Make sure others are around and you both are visible. 
  5. Do not visit an opposite sex congregant alone. If visiting and you discover her husband or her roommate is not there, do not enter the threshold of that house.
  6. Do your best to not ride alone in a car with a woman who is not your wife or your relative.
  7. Watch your compliments. Compliments about hair, clothing, her recent diet and/or her appearance (especially her shape) in general should be refrained from. Compliments to a child or a senior can be appropriate.
  8. Do not fantasize or dream about woman who you have contact with. These imaginary contacts can actually prepare you for your next connection in a very unhealthy way. 
  9. When you are approached and complimented by that certain woman politely thank her and move on from the conversation. Do not probe further into why she is complimenting you or how she feels about you. When that compliment turns into something like, “Oh, pastor, you’re looking good today” or “Have you been working out lately?” laugh it off and change the subject as soon as you can. Do not acknowledge her compliment or agree with her. 
  10. If you find yourself attracted or see signs of attraction, move away from the situation spiritually, emotionally, and physically. As a leader, you are more than your feelings and thoughts; you are committed to righteousness. Maintain an accountability partner that you can confess to and pray with. Pursue integrity and a proper fear of God. 

Psalm 19:14 is your prayer. “May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

You are complete in the Lord (Colossians 2:10) and do not need another opposite sex relationship in your life to bring security or esteem to you. 

You have a two-fold focus when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex: God and your wife (if married). The book of Proverbs reminds us to drink water from your own cistern (Proverbs 5:15). 

As we walk in the proper fear of God, we will only desire to obey Him and be faithful to our spouse. 

  • Proverbs 1:7:

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

  • Proverbs 9:10:

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”

  • Proverbs 14:26:

“In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have a place of refuge.”


I’ve told you this ahead of time, before it happens, so that when it does happen, the confirmation will deepen your belief in me. I’ll not be talking with you much more like this because the chief of this godless world is about to attack. But don’t worry—he has nothing on me, no claim on me. But so the world might know how thoroughly I love the Father, I am carrying out my Father’s instructions right down to the last detail. “Get up. Let’s go. It’s time to leave here. (John 14:30 The Message)

I love how in this passage Jesus was confident that the enemy “has nothing on me.” May the enemy of your soul have nothing on you as you determine to walk in integrity, high moral character, accountability, the fear of the Lord and eyes only for one woman–your wife!

(Thanks to Joe McKeever for inspiration on some of the thoughts above.)

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