Category Archives: Women

Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Wearing Multiple Hats

How many hats do you wear? Let’s see: there’s our work hat, our husband/wife hat, our mother/father hat, our hobby hat, our grandmother or grandfather hat – you get the picture. We all wear multiple hats. A problem can arise when we are walking into our kitchen at home while still wearing our work hat. Or, we’re wearing our father hat in our work meeting, treating our staff like our kids. 

How do you successfully change from your work hat to your spouse/parent hat before walking in the door? I served as a marriage and family counselor for over fifteen years. I struggled listening to marital issues or abuse issues all day and then arriving home ready to be a father and husband. Some days I felt overwhelmed with other people’s problems and could be guilty of “carrying” them home with me. It is not a good scenario for anyone. What to do…

  • First, I had a 35 – 40-minute drive between my home and my office. I began to use it to decompress. We need space between our work and our home so we can successfully change hats. I feel for that farmer who walks into his kitchen directly from his barn where he had to deal with an uncooperative milk cow. Intentionally take the time to pray and to give your day to God. Give each person, each issue, your boss and coworker to God. Hand over your client’s issues or your congregant’s needs to your heavenly Father. You cannot carry them through the threshold of your residence or your mind will not arrive with your body. 
  • Secondly, give God thanks for your job, the problems there and those persons you work with. Have a thankful heart even in the midst of stress-filled days. 
  • Further, change focus by beginning to think about the needs of your spouse and your children. Doing this will move your thoughts from work or wherever you are coming from to your family.
  • If there were major issues that will carry over to the next day, ask God for solutions and then expect to hear from Him. When you hear, write them down and then leave them on that piece of paper until tomorrow. 
  • Stay off of your phone and give your attention to your family. Give your full attention so your spouse and children know you’re not at work, rather you’re fully engaged with them. 

Lastly, while it might seem counterproductive to what you have just read, do allow yourself to share an issue from your day at dinner around the table with your family. They do not need the names or the details, but they do need to hear that your workplace is not perfect and there are issues to discuss. That way your children will not just shrug their shoulders when asked to talk about their school day; they’ll follow your example of sharing in a vulnerable way.  

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

You Have Only Three Minutes to Say Goodbye!

There’s a new sign at the Wellington, New Zealand airport, “It’s hard to say goodbye, so make it quick. Max hug time three minutes.”

Not sure what you’ve observed at airports, but you can see almost every emotion, e.g., frustration, joy, sadness, tears, laughter and outbursts of anger. But when it comes to saying goodbye, apparently there’s a limit. The news article did not say how this new policy will be enforced. Will there be an airport guard with a stop watch? And who hugs for three minutes anyway? That feels awkward. 

It has even been voiced by the airport officials that if you desire a longer farewell you need to take it “outside the terminal.” The reason? “Lingering goodbyes cause traffic jams.” Oh, so that’s the problem!

We’ve been told that hugs and affection release oxytocin and serotonin along with dopamine. Hugs are actually good for us. We need the human connection.

What’s this blog really about? I want to remind you to frequently hug and hold her, kiss him and whisper in his ear. Hug your children and grandchildren, no matter how old they are. Tell them they are your favorite eleven-year-old and you love them unconditionally. Tell your spouse they are beautiful or handsome. Compliment them frequently. 

It’s fall in the northeastern U.S. Tell your spouse that no one rakes leaves as well as they do. Their leaf raking will take on a whole new meaning. Remind your spouse how much you appreciate them cleaning the house, scrubbing the bathroom, doing the wash, washing the car and shopping for groceries. It’s those mundane things we do daily that need noticed and encouraged. Imagine if these routines were never accomplished. Yuk!

Every day you have options to think of new ways to express thanks and speak encouragement over your life mate. Sow those seeds today, and tomorrow you’ll reap the benefits.

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Challenge, Healing, Identity, Issues of the Day, Men, Pornography, Singles, Women

Healing for Sexual Addictions

One thing we know from God, the Creator of sexuality, is that His love is completely satisfying. One thing we know from the evil one is that lust is insatiable and can never be satisfied. Pornography and lust are a drive to serve oneself rather than one’s life mate or others.

Viewing pornography may start through curiosity, attempts to fill a void, the need to heal or cover up a deep wound, or just a desire to escape. But escapes have a way of becoming addictions. These could include food, alcohol, TV, novels, caffeine, or many other categories of addictive behavior. Addictions have a way of pulling us away from God, the One who provides a true way of escape. 2 Timothy 2:26 says, “And that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.”

The New Testament Writers Acknowledge Our Struggle

Our human struggle with sexual intimacy and sin is acknowledged in Scripture. I love these verses that Paul writes under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit: “But since there is so much immortality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each another except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:2–5).

Viewing porn as a “pastime” is extremely harmful and creates a way for the sexual exploitation of innocent victims. We all need to educate and raise awareness of these dangers in our families, communities, schools, and congregations.

Licentiousness (“debauchery” in the NIV) – This means “excessive indulgence in sensual pleasures, lacking virtue.” Sexual acts on display in pornographic material are acts of fornication because they involve sexual contact outside of marriage. To take part is to condone these acts and involve ourselves in the sin of licentiousness. (See 2 Corinthians 12:21.)

Lust – Pornographic materials are meant to generate sexual arousal in our flesh through lust. Lust, according to the Scripture, is sin. It is corruption of our spirit, our mind, and our flesh. (See Matthew 5:28 and James 1:14-15.)

Sensuality – According to Scripture, observing nakedness is a sinful behavior. For example, in Genesis 9:21–22, Noah’s son, Ham, was cursed because he observed his father’s nakedness, but his brothers Shem and Japheth covered their father with their faces turned the other way. 1 Corinthians 6:12–18 – The body is not for sexual immorality; we are told to flee from sexual immorality. Galatians 5:19 – The deeds of the flesh are immorality, impurity, and sensuality.

The Path to Freedom

A friend of mine told me, “When I was participating in porn, I genuinely loved God, but I also loved porn–at my soul level. At the same time, I also hated it because it brought shame, bondage, ongoing guilt and I wanted to be free. There is a false fulfillment with porn that connects with who I am. Growing up in a pretty strict home with a religion connected to performance, I felt that I could never please God. I just wasn’t good enough. However, when my heavenly Father brought to me the revelation of Ephesians 1: 4-6, I suddenly realized I was chosen, I was adopted, I was loved, and I was accepted as God’s son.” 

Despite so many challenges, certain foundational principles and action steps can lead you to the way of escape that God provides.

  1. God is love (1 John 4:8). If you know nothing else, know God’s love for you. It is inescapable, incomprehensible, determined, and relentless. He loves you and Jesus died for this sin on the cross. He does not reject you.
  2. We all struggle to maintain a clean heart. Many really good people also struggle with sin, even the sin of pornography. You are not alone. Whatever the effects of sin may be, grace is available in abundance to bring healing and freedom.
  3. Recognize that pornography affects the whole individual. God desires to cleanse and heal not only your mind, but longs to set you free from lust, fear, anxiety, wounds, frustration, emptiness, and shame. He died, naked and exposed, for sexual shame on the cross and says to us, “Shame off of you through my sacrifice.”
  4. Disclose and confess your sin to God, yourself, and others. Start being brutally truthful about yourself and your sin. Acknowledge that you have been walking in denial. Uncover the lies. Take full responsibility and recognize the gravity of your situation. Be ruthlessly truthful with yourself, your spouse, and your counselor. Receive God’s forgiveness, because He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sin (1 John 1:9).
  5. Embrace conviction of heart coming from the Holy Spirit and deeply repent. Allow God to bring you to a place of true repentance. Ask yourself, “Who is this hurting?” “What is this costing me in my relationships, finance, time, self-deprivation, and life goals?” Do a personal damage assessment. Ask God’s forgiveness and request His help to forgive yourself.
  6. Be aware of the neurological aspect of this addiction and the brain chemicals involved. Pornography addiction is not just a moral problem. You have created paths for your brain to need and desire the chemical charge provided by porn. These paths that have been flooded with imagery of what is false will need to be starved to death. This is not about reading your Bible more or praying more; a transformation is needed. It starts when you identify what triggers you to use porn. As you identify these triggers, you can ask God why they are triggers, what healing is needed, and how to locate that healing. This requires intense self-examination (confronting your habits) as you scrutinize how your thoughts and feelings have shaped your beliefs. God can reveal whether or not those beliefs are true or are based on lies. Ask your heavenly Father for truth to replace the lies (Romans 8:5-9; 12:1-2).
  7. Locate any deep wounds from your past to discover how those wounds have affected you. If you are unable to deal with your past, you will just be treating symptoms over and over. For example, you could ask: “Is there a shame-filled sexual wound? Did I experience abuse of some kind, then retreat and find comfort in pornography or masturbation?” In seeking these answers, invite and expect Holy Spirit to be your companion and guide.
  8. Discover relational healing by purposefully mending broken relationships. Find new relationships that will help you heal. These could be support groups, a personal counselor, or close accountability with a trusted friend. Monitoring software can be useful, but will not replace real-time accountability to those who love you and care for you. You need a community around you.
  9. Utilize appropriate resources. Find what fits you in terms of books, videos, or other resources. A video series like the Conquer Series, groups like Pure Desire and websites like Faithfulandtrue.com or Be Broken Ministries can be extremely helpful. Fortunately, today there are quite a number of resources and websites available to help those who desire to overcome the power of pornography in their lives. Search on the internet for Christ-centered materials and computer prevention programs like Covenant Eyes and X3Watch to place on your devices.
  10. Go through deliverance ministry. Your mind needs renewal. Deliverance can be helpful to cleanse out the demonically oriented material that has entered your soul and spirit. Openness to evil creates a pathway for more evil. Total freedom can be found in deliverance.

Tying It All Together with the Story of Joseph

There is a wonderful story in the Bible of holy resistance followed by incarceration, but then redemption and hope for a family and a nation. That story is the story of Joseph.

In Genesis Chapter 39, we read the account of Joseph, who was serving in Potiphar’s house. The Bible says God blessed him and he prospered in his Egyptian master’s home. God gave him success in everything he did. In time, the blessing that followed Joseph also affected Potiphar’s household, and Joseph was placed in charge of everything Potiphar owned.

Joseph was described as “well-built and handsome,” and he made a noticeable impression on Potiphar’s wife. She repeatedly attempted to allure Joseph by saying, “Come to bed with me!” Joseph stood firm and refused. Joseph’s words were, “How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?”

Joseph’s response cost him his job and his freedom because Potiphar’s wife lied about Joseph attempting to “make sport of me,” or, as we might say, “rape me.” Even so, Joseph refused to compromise his integrity.

Joseph did not fail his test. Had he given in to temptation, it could have caused the death of millions by famine. He would have never been reunited with his family and he would not have had the opportunity to interpret Pharaoh’s dreams. The favor of God rested on Joseph because he stood firm. Otherwise, he would have been just one more leadership casualty.

The point is clear. You and I have a destiny given to us by God. Your freedom from the sin of pornography is not just about you, but the hundreds that you touch. Your life-long call is tied in to others with the life call of Jesus. When many of those around grow sick of their life of sin, you will have the answer for them, as well as a life that exemplifies that answer. Be a hero like Joseph and confess his words with me: “How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against my God?”

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all” (Psalm 34:17–19).

God is our deliverer. He delivered Joseph. He can deliver us.

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Pornography, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

The Five-Step Conditioning Process of Pornography

The stats are frightening as pornography use creeps down to eleven-year-old kids. Eighty five percent of teenage young men are viewing porn at an alarming rate. There are over 400 million pornographic pages available on over four million websites. Pornography use is said to increase marital infidelity by 300%! And those are only a few of the statistics available today exposing this horrific cancer in our society. 

How does it grow from curiosity to a full-blown addiction? What is the process that takes place? If we can identify that, we stand somewhat of a chance to avoid an addiction. 

Psychologists tell us there are five steps:

  • Introduction/ exposure – There is some form of exposure to porn, typically by a “friend.” This often takes place during the childhood years. 
  • Habit/compulsion – Those who continually and frequently expose themselves to porn find they have to continually return for more – another high. This begins the chemical process or wash over the brain causing sexual stimulation and the need for more. 
  • Intensification – The previous highs are not enough, so the user looks for more exotic forms of sexual behavior for stimulation. 
  • Desensitization – What is abnormal becomes normal sexually. Nothing is too shocking or aberrant. The concern of hurting others gets lost in the pursuit of the next sexual experience or high. 
  • Acting upon one’s fantasy/imagination – Eventually we will enact upon what we have seen and what we find pleasurable. These behaviors will be required from a spouse, a prostitute, a date or a minor. This often results in rape. 

The escalation of use occurs because we tell ourselves we’re simply being entertained with something that is harmless. After all, God created men, women and sex. But the more porn we feed our brain, the more extreme forms of it are necessary to become aroused. 

Have you ever noticed the number of erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs that are advertised on TV? Do you know why? Pornography. Younger and younger men with a porn addiction cannot function normally due to porn use. The addiction is stealing from them. Real life partners become bad porn. No woman or man can compete with the airbrushed perfect images displayed in pornography.

Pornography is killing marriages today. If you want to undermine or destroy your marriage, pornography use is a good way to do it. It will completely diminish any level of trust that you have built over your years of marriage. Pornography use opens doors that you do not want to open. 

Here’s the truth: pornography is fake! Every page, every site, every movie is fake. All of it is built on lies like, “It’s an innocent distraction; it’s harmless.” Meanwhile, it is literally destroying your life, your marriage and it has the potential to destroy your family. 

Is viewing pornography sin? Yes. We are engaging in sexual immorality and dishonoring God’s design for intimacy within the confines of marriage: one man with one woman. Pornography use will never take us where God ultimately desires to take us in our walk with Him. 

Stay tuned to part two of pornography when we look at some answers to help move away from this sin. 

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Challenge, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

The Myths That Surround Marriage and Divorce These Days

How often have we heard that one in two marriages are ending in divorce? How frequently do we hear that marriage as an institution is on its way out? I am here to tell you just the opposite!

Shaunti Feldhahn, who is a Harvard trained Wall Street analyst and researcher has some very good news in her book, The Good News about Marriage. 

Shaunti reveals that the divorce rate in America has never been 50%. In fact, the divorce rates are actually declining. Seventy one percent of woman remained married to their first spouse and widowhood reduces the remaining 29%. Feldhahn states this brings us to a 25% divorce rate. 

Feldhahn also states that the rates of divorce among Christians are even less. Yes, those who share a like faith in their marriages were found to be at a 22% divorce rate according to a survey done by Family Life of 50 churches in 2013. 

From a Pew research: only one half of Americans are married today compared to 71% in 1960. Could this be connected to the pessimistic attitudes about God’s design for marriage? However, divorce rates have increased among those who live together, cohabitate, before marriage. They actually build a noncommitted attitude within their relationship and that spills over into their ensuing marriages, increasing their likelihood of divorce. 

Are marriages happy today? Yes! About 80% of marriages are happy and some rated their marriage “very happy.” In the book, those who decided to work through their differences will eventually find a greater level of happiness. Why? It was found that most couples know marriage takes work and they do not mind working toward that happiness. In one study, it was discovered that 93% of spouses would marry their same spouse all over again.

There you have it. Take courage; marriage as an institution is not failing. Divorce is not the biggest threat to marriages today. So, if you’re married, be encouraged, keep working, keep loving, keep praying and keep believing in your marriage. Your children will bless you for it. 

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Challenge, Healing, In the news, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Why are We so Anger Centric Today?

Anger seems to be the go-to emotional reaction in so many areas of our lives these days.

We’re angry at our boss. We’re angry at our spouse, our kids, our parents, our neighbor. We’re angry at the politician, the news reporter, our electric company, and the sports team we follow. Where does it stop and why is anger one of the quickest emotions we gravitate toward?

No one is born angry. We interpret our environment, the conversation, the lies we’re being told or the noncaring response of our boss as anger producing. We’re living in and with a short-fused society, as if anger is the magic pill to help us obtain what we think we need.

Normally, anger occurs when we experience a blocked goal; a desired outcome is unrealized because someone or something is in our way. Roadblocks are not necessarily bad. Sometimes they keep us from a more dangerous situation. And yet, in anger we want to blow up the roadblock. 

But let’s not be naïve; there actually is good anger – righteous anger if you will. And there is the not-so-good anger: anger related to selfish ambition. One is desiring what God desires and one is full of selfish motive or personal gain, i.e., wanting what we want. Righteous anger is rooted in what is best for another. Selfish anger is rooted in what is best for me.

Think about the last time you became angry. Was there a blocked goal? Who or what was blocking it? How did you respond? Was the anger there to protect another (for example, your child) or was it there to protect yourself? 

When we with little thought emotionally turn to anger, we forfeit the opportunity for process and often personal growth. If my wife does something that blocks my goal I can yell at her and then use anger to “push” her out of my way. Or, I can stop, take a time out and pursue a conversation about the blocked goal. As I listen to my wife and then process with her, I or she can discover what the need or desire is. We can then pursue it together. 

The prescription for long-term or short-term anger is given to us by Jesus. He had one answer and one answer only: forgive as you have been forgiven (Matthew 6: 14, 15 and Ephesians 4:32). There is no other way. Forgiving brings freedom, it releases anger and it can help bring reconciliation. Forgiveness is medicine to your heart and your soul. Forgiveness releases the captive bound by anger, primarily you.

Forgiveness is not saying what was a wrong toward you is now right; it’s saying that you release the person who hurt or offended you because you also need forgiveness. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

What Makes Sex Intimate?

Sex is often touted as the most intimate act of marriage. So, what makes it so intimate, especially for those married couples out there? 

Here’s a blog about making sure sex is an act of intimacy with your spouse. 

In order for sex to be intimate, there are a number of ingredients. Let’s list ten of them.

  1. Sex is not saying “I want sex;” it’s saying “I want you.”
  2. For sex to be intimate, pornography must be absent in your relationship. 
  3. Sex is knowing the preferred love-receiving, love-giving desires of my wife or husband. 
  4. Sex held within the boundary of our marriage is saying “I choose you, only you.”
  5. Sex is not “getting my needs met,” but rather meeting my spouse’s needs. 
  6. Sex is not just about a man or a woman’s physical release; it’s more about giving love to one another. 
  7. Sex is a physical, emotional and spiritual connection with your spouse.
  8. Sex is about feeling valued by another expressed through love, honor and respect. 
  9. Sex is never forced on another.
  10. Sex that provokes feelings of displeasure, distatefulness or embarrassment is not intimate.

Sheila came to us and shared that sex for her was her husband meeting his needs and then going to sleep. There is no intimacy and no emotional connection in a situation like that. For years she felt like an object. She preferred her marriage to be sexless vs. what she was enduring. 

It doesn’t have to be that way. Make a commitment to take time to evaluate your sexual intimacy. Listen to one another and hear what the other is feeling about your sex lives. Then make a commitment to change or talk to someone you would respect in this area. Do not allow one of the most intimate acts of marriage to be stolen from you. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Politics, Women

The U.S. Elections and the Rhetoric We Are Having to Endure on Social Media

It is exhausting reading ridiculous comments, seeing memes that are utterly ludicrous, red hats, blue maps, movie stars bizarre comments about leaving the country (of which none ever do), one-sided news reports, critical judgements, spiteful words and extremely distasteful posts void of truth, love, or grace. 

I have read posts from those who now distance themselves from “conservatives” and/or “liberals” because of a candidate they support or don’t support. Their personal judgements of others leave them at odds with those they do not agree with. Parents and adult children are being affected in a negative way. Families cannot gather without a fight over which political candidates they despise and far worse, not seeing how it’s tearing them apart. 

I also witness people from other nations who are engaging in the exact same tactics over U.S. politics. They are jumping on the bandwagon of name-calling, character assassinations and spewing harsh words often at Christ’s church in America because of who they suppose the church is supporting.

If you are a part of this style of communication, I urge you to please STOP. You are NOT changing anyone’s mind with your snarky attitude, your posts, and your “truth.” Instead, you are falling right into the enemy’s hands and have become his mouthpiece for he is the one who has come to steal, kill and destroy (divide). You are attempting to intimidate and control others with your personal political agenda. I want to urge you to stop being a part of the problem so that you can start being a part of the solution! 

Being a part of the solution means that you can speak the truth in love, void of critical judgements, negative overtones, intimidation, and that you can disagree while still being in relationship. You must decide that your relationship is more important than the political disagreement. Why? Because your disrespect of others and their beliefs will not cause them to respect you and your beliefs. You may get a few stray “likes” from those who always agree with you, but is that worth the loss of your friends who think or believe differently than you?

Jesus loves His church; He does not hate His church. He is not angry with His church. He died for that politician who you may strongly disagree with. The presidential candidates running for office in the U.S. are loved by Him and one of them will be placed into office. Remove the names and you have two persons Jesus gave His life for. Is He not capable to massage the heart of the one He allows in office?

If you are unable to honor the position of president and/or the one in office, how can you honor the King of the kingdom of God (See John 18:36.)? The Bible challenges us by stating, “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.” (I Peter 2:17; See also Romans 13:1.)

Peter would deny His Lord not once, not twice, but three times. Jesus warned him of this denial and yet our Lord loved him, did not reject him, call him names, or ridicule him. He would in fact use him mightily in spite of his personal shortcomings. Catch these verses: 

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” (Luke 22:31)

Satan was using Peter, but he would “turn back.” Satan wants to use you in the same way. Stop being distracted by all the political rhetoric. There is no joy, no peace and no life in it. You and I are called to rise above the fray, the noisy nonsense and ‘see’ (pray toward) what our Father is actually doing in the midst of a chaotic election season. We are called to pray for the nations and their leaders. You and I are here to support His church, to build His church, to speak life over His church. We are not here to tear it down or to tear it apart. 

We are building an everlasting kingdom, not the kingdoms of this world. Let’s stop speaking, writing, and arguing like we have the final word. We do not; He does.

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” (John 13:34)

“If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar.” (I John 4:20)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Marital Differences Can Strengthen Us

We can hardly wait until we without reserve or hesitation speak those two words, “I do.” And, it’s not long thereafter that we figure out we married someone different from us in both good and not so comfortable ways. How do we face those uncomfortable times as reality sets in?

Let me give you a truth. Your marriage in and of itself is not the problem and never has been. Truthfully, it’s the two individuals in the marriage who create the issues. The problem is US.

Differences in marriage can follow us long term. We must endeavor to make those marriage issues/problems our strength. Easier said than done. Let me give you a few steps.

  • Recognize that when two persons become one there are parts of both that must die.
  • Recognize and confess the problem(s). Put it out on the table. 
  • Remember, you are seeking a win-win and not a win-lose scenario.
  • Determine that differences are in certain ways a good thing that can be used to your advantage. Differences force us to see the advantage or disadvantage of another side.
  • Determine who has a strength in the particular area and who may be a bit weaker. (For example, finances. Which of you has a better sense or stronger desire to maintain the budget?)
  • Determine how both sides can serve as a greater strength to the whole. In other words, how can our difference eventually become a strength?

Early on in our marriage, we ran into a major financial values issue. Mary loved to spend our money and I loved to save our money. Both were necessary, but we strongly disagreed on the correct process for us. As we placed the issue on the table (stopped dancing around it) and faced it openly and prayerfully, we realized two very important parts that we were missing. Mary was not a spender; she was a giver. Steve was not just a tightwad saver; he was investing into the future.

In actuality, we had the best of both worlds in our differing views. We needed to save more so that we could give more.

How about you? How can your weak areas become a strength in your marriage? 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Raising Your Pain Tolerance; The Good Part of Pain (Part III)

We were created to feel pain. Pain in our body is an indicator, a warning that something needs medical attention or intervention. Pain is often a danger signal. It forces a response from us. 

Unfortunately, most persons fear pain, especially emotional pain. Think of losing that loved one, the engagement breakup, or the loss of a job. Often we try to avoid pain; it’s just too, simply put, painful. Perhaps God desires to take us through it? 

Is it really the fear of what happens in our life or is it the fear of the pain that follows significant and pain-filled life experiences that we would rather avoid? 

In this blog, I want us to consider how pain helps to build some very important things in each of us and how it requires our attention. 

God never wastes pain in our lives: Every leader in the Bible went through traumatic and painful experiences. Think of Joseph, Job and Daniel. No Christ follower was or is exempt of pain. God uses it to build us spiritually, emotionally and physically. He builds character through pain-filled life experiences. He often allows tests through those areas where we are weak. Pain produces in us more self-awareness and self-knowledge. If we listen to it, we will learn and grow. Why? Because pain is a strengthener. Seasoned leaders have learned to use the pain in their lives to strengthen their leadership abilities. 

Pain is a strengthener: Pain makes us stronger and tougher. Think of the weightlifter. As they push against the pain, they are building muscle mass. Resistance is a strengthener.  Pain is a precursor to healing. We tend to push against pain, but the pain we can tolerate will strengthen us for the next painful situation we find ourselves in. When we persevere, endure and grow through the pain, it is strengthening us. You will handle pain more effectively in the future. You will handle life challenges more efficiently. 

Pain keeps us humble: It builds humility in us by causing us to be less prideful and more real. We often tend to think well of ourselves and sorry for that poor person who is suffering. Pain lets us know it CAN happen to us. It CAN be a reality check. Pain in our lives will help to build compassion and empathy for others. It hopefully builds a greater sense of love for others and what they go through in life. Often we are looking for empathy because we want significant persons in our lives to know we’re in pain. We need them to notice and to “give us a break.” But God is working humility in our lives.

Pain can be self-inflicted: If it is self-inflicted through our reckless mistakes, then we suffer the consequences and learn from those mistakes. But sometimes pain is self-inflicted because we need to recover from surgery, lose weight or grow in more grace-filled responses. This self-inflicted pain for growth is a positive pain that produces a greater good in our lives. 

Pain teaches self-discipline: We need discipline in our lives. We need boundaries. If we suffered from the lack of control in some area of life, the pain of self-discipline can get us back on track. When we fail in a life discipline or goal, it is not a bad thing to suffer pain. This form of pain can teach us to readjust or plan another strategy. 

Pain grows leadership qualities: The more pain we work through, the greater level of pain tolerance we will experience. The greater level of pain tolerance we grow, the greater level of leadership capacity we will grow. Low tolerance…the lower level of leadership.

Pain draws boundaries: When someone is abusing you, it is appropriate to draw a boundary. Pain inflicted upon us for selfish gain or gratification should cause a healthy reaction of setting a boundary from that unhealthy person. Pain will sharpen your senses and cause a greater alertness to yourself and to others. 

Further, to go through personal pain we will appreciate the non-painful times more. We will appreciate pleasure and happiness more. When we suffer the pain of heartache, we will appreciate even more the deep and joyful feeling of love. If we go to great lengths to avoid pain, we might miss what God is wanting to build in our lives. 

Take responsibility for the pain in your life. Long-term victims remain long-term victims by blaming others for their pain. While others have inflicted the pain, at some point we will have to face it and mature through it rather than blaming others. The longer we blame others for our pain, the longer we can stay stuck in our pain.

One day there will be no more pain. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

Until then, “…We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.” (Romans 5:3)

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