We can hardly wait until we without reserve or hesitation speak those two words, “I do.” And, it’s not long thereafter that we figure out we married someone different from us in both good and not so comfortable ways. How do we face those uncomfortable times as reality sets in?
Let me give you a truth. Your marriage in and of itself is not the problem and never has been. Truthfully, it’s the two individuals in the marriage who create the issues. The problem is US.
Differences in marriage can follow us long term. We must endeavor to make those marriage issues/problems our strength. Easier said than done. Let me give you a few steps.
Recognize that when two persons become one there are parts of both that must die.
Recognize and confess the problem(s). Put it out on the table.
Remember, you are seeking a win-win and not a win-lose scenario.
Determine that differences are in certain ways a good thing that can be used to your advantage. Differences force us to see the advantage or disadvantage of another side.
Determine who has a strength in the particular area and who may be a bit weaker. (For example, finances. Which of you has a better sense or stronger desire to maintain the budget?)
Determine how both sides can serve as a greater strength to the whole. In other words, how can our difference eventually become a strength?
Early on in our marriage, we ran into a major financial values issue. Mary loved to spend our money and I loved to save our money. Both were necessary, but we strongly disagreed on the correct process for us. As we placed the issue on the table (stopped dancing around it) and faced it openly and prayerfully, we realized two very important parts that we were missing. Mary was not a spender; she was a giver. Steve was not just a tightwad saver; he was investing into the future.
In actuality, we had the best of both worlds in our differing views. We needed to save more so that we could give more.
How about you? How can your weak areas become a strength in your marriage?
We were created to feel pain. Pain in our body is an indicator, a warning that something needs medical attention or intervention. Pain is often a danger signal. It forces a response from us.
Unfortunately, most persons fear pain, especially emotional pain. Think of losing that loved one, the engagement breakup, or the loss of a job. Often we try to avoid pain; it’s just too, simply put, painful. Perhaps God desires to take us through it?
Is it really the fear of what happens in our life or is it the fear of the pain that follows significant and pain-filled life experiences that we would rather avoid?
In this blog, I want us to consider how pain helps to build some very important things in each of us and how it requires our attention.
God never wastes pain in our lives: Every leader in the Bible went through traumatic and painful experiences. Think of Joseph, Job and Daniel. No Christ follower was or is exempt of pain. God uses it to build us spiritually, emotionally and physically. He builds character through pain-filled life experiences. He often allows tests through those areas where we are weak. Pain produces in us more self-awareness and self-knowledge. If we listen to it, we will learn and grow. Why? Because pain is a strengthener. Seasoned leaders have learned to use the pain in their lives to strengthen their leadership abilities.
Pain is a strengthener: Pain makes us stronger and tougher. Think of the weightlifter. As they push against the pain, they are building muscle mass. Resistance is a strengthener. Pain is a precursor to healing. We tend to push against pain, but the pain we can tolerate will strengthen us for the next painful situation we find ourselves in. When we persevere, endure and grow through the pain, it is strengthening us. You will handle pain more effectively in the future. You will handle life challenges more efficiently.
Pain keeps us humble: It builds humility in us by causing us to be less prideful and more real. We often tend to think well of ourselves and sorry for that poor person who is suffering. Pain lets us know it CAN happen to us. It CAN be a reality check. Pain in our lives will help to build compassion and empathy for others. It hopefully builds a greater sense of love for others and what they go through in life. Often we are looking for empathy because we want significant persons in our lives to know we’re in pain. We need them to notice and to “give us a break.” But God is working humility in our lives.
Pain can be self-inflicted: If it is self-inflicted through our reckless mistakes, then we suffer the consequences and learn from those mistakes. But sometimes pain is self-inflicted because we need to recover from surgery, lose weight or grow in more grace-filled responses. This self-inflicted pain for growth is a positive pain that produces a greater good in our lives.
Pain teaches self-discipline: We need discipline in our lives. We need boundaries. If we suffered from the lack of control in some area of life, the pain of self-discipline can get us back on track. When we fail in a life discipline or goal, it is not a bad thing to suffer pain. This form of pain can teach us to readjust or plan another strategy.
Pain grows leadership qualities: The more pain we work through, the greater level of pain tolerance we will experience. The greater level of pain tolerance we grow, the greater level of leadership capacity we will grow. Low tolerance…the lower level of leadership.
Pain draws boundaries: When someone is abusing you, it is appropriate to draw a boundary. Pain inflicted upon us for selfish gain or gratification should cause a healthy reaction of setting a boundary from that unhealthy person. Pain will sharpen your senses and cause a greater alertness to yourself and to others.
Further, to go through personal pain we will appreciate the non-painful times more. We will appreciate pleasure and happiness more. When we suffer the pain of heartache, we will appreciate even more the deep and joyful feeling of love. If we go to great lengths to avoid pain, we might miss what God is wanting to build in our lives.
Take responsibility for the pain in your life. Long-term victims remain long-term victims by blaming others for their pain. While others have inflicted the pain, at some point we will have to face it and mature through it rather than blaming others. The longer we blame others for our pain, the longer we can stay stuck in our pain.
One day there will be no more pain. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)
Until then, “…We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.” (Romans 5:3)
Experiencing the replacement of a knee cannot be lightly categorized as a simple, in-and-out procedure. It has meant being out of commission for a season. It has meant unrivaled pain. It has meant disciplining oneself to faithfully do physical therapy (aka, “personal torture”) exercises. And, it has meant having to be patient with the healing process.
If you are listening to your thoughts about what you are experiencing while you are experiencing it, you can learn something about yourself and you can learn some things about life. What follows are some life lessons I learned while in the recovery process that have also become life applications.
I can’t count how many people said to me, “No pain; no gain.” I told my wife one day that if one more person says those words to me, I think I am going to give them some pain. But that old saying is literally true. Recovery from surgery can be painful and it’s why some patients give up. Simply put, it just hurts too much.
I was listening to a teaching about how pain in our lives – all pain – produces something: a higher pain tolerance. I felt that those words were directly from God for me. He was asking me to develop a higher pain tolerance physically, yes, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You see, the higher our tolerance, the less offended we can become, the less offensive we will be. With a higher pain tolerance, we can return good for evil, we can love in greater measure and we can tolerate far more irritants (or irritating persons).
Speaking of irritants, when someone is experiencing pain, it is difficult to be ones normal self. Small irritations can become enlarged rather quickly. However, pain can grant God permission to show me, me. When in pain, inhibitions are lowered and what’s really inside is allowed to surface. Overall, not a bad thing.
Here’s another saying we often have to endure post surgery, “Push through the pain.” Yes, it hurts, but you must push through the hurt so you can become stronger. Who on earth elects to do that? How many of us relish inflicting pain upon ourselves no matter the results? I can quickly throw the desired results out the window if it includes suffering. Funny that Jesus told us in this world we would suffer pain, we would have trials and tribulation, but He has overcome the world. (See John 16:33.)
I could have blamed my smiling therapist for the hurt she inflicted. But the reality was my mindset had to change to how the hurt, the pain was actually good for me. Said another way: it hurts for my good. The therapist is inflicting pain, but for my personal strengthening, which ultimately brings healing.
Imagine actually going back to someone who deeply hurt you and saying to them, “Thanks for the hurt you inflicted upon me. Because of it, I have grown in my walk with Christ and I am learning patience and discipline as my pain tolerance increases.” But that is exactly what is happening as you suffer. Hebrews twelve reveals, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
I recently experienced a total left knee replacement. Three weeks ago, my wife and I entered the surgery center at 6:15 AM and left just before noon to return home. Yes, home the same day only hours after major surgery. It’s pretty amazing what medical science can do today and the human body can endure.
After being placed on the gurney, after anesthesia began and after a spinal was administered, I was almost out of it when I blurted out with no inhibition and for no planned reason, “Can someone here pray before surgery begins, please?” All six persons in that room began to look around at each other and say things like, “Not me.”
Finally, one young man completely covered from head to toe in an operating room “space suit” came to me and said, “I will, Steve.” The last words I remember were, “In Jesus’ name, amen.” I was out and ready to receive my bionic knee.
God has His people stationed everywhere. My primary nurse that day, Gwen, was a lovely Christian woman who took superb care of me with the utmost gentleness and peace-filled communication.
I am learning a lot through this season and I will write more about that later. My point today? Here it is: “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as unto the Lord and not unto men.” (Colossians 3:23)
You may never know how you have touched a life in your workplace or your neighborhood! Take seriously your station in life right now and ask God how you can be an encouragement to others.
It was one thing to have prayed for our children as they were growing up in our home under our direct influence, but it is another praying for our adult children, especially if they no longer hold the same values we as parents do. We may have raised them with one set of values and they may choose to live by another set of values.
Our children grew up in our home with the consistent example of seeing, hearing, and experiencing faith-believing prayer. We prayed for and about everything. We wanted them to know that even though their parents could not meet all of their needs, there was Someone who could. Children need a model of prayer which causes them to “seek first the kingdom of God.”
Today, as we pray for our adult children and their children, we still desire to see changes in their lives. As minor children, we could force some changes; we had that level of control. As adults we can only influence change through prayer and any open door they will give us. Very few persons desire our advice without them first asking for it, including our children.
Praying for our adult children is our first line of defense and offense. It is not inaction. Prayer is not secondary; it is not lacking any other answer; it must be our go-to move first and foremost. Prayer is our lifeline to our Father as He works on behalf of our children. Prayer helps to keep the focus off of what we can do or feel the need to do and places it upon what Holy Spirit is doing in our lives and theirs. Prayer, giving our cares over to God, helps to keep our hearts at peace and free from anxiety.
We pray for them and we let them know we are praying for them. If you have opportunity, you can even let them know what and how you are praying. So, how do we pray?
Ask your Father to place the right person(s) in their lives at the right time.
Ask Him to be in their dreams, in the music they listen to and in the media they watch. Ask Him to show up in multiple ways.
Pray for their workplace, their families, their finances, and their safety.
Pray scriptures over them. God’s word sent in prayer is a powerful tool. Pray peace over them.
Pray for God’s purposes to be fulfilled and the passions He placed on their hearts to be realized.
Pray for their spiritual ears to hear His still small voice.
If your children are asking for prayer, no request is too small or too large. If your children are not asking for prayer, maybe even are antagonistic toward prayer, choose not to be offended. Don’t back away from loving and accepting them. Do not choose hurt; choose the relationship any way you can get it, even if it feels shallow. Surface or fragile relationships are better than no relationship or broken relationships. Continually, in every way you can, reinforce your unconditional love as their parents.
“The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16) Your prayers make a difference.
I thank you, heavenly Father, that You are working in my son/daughter’s life each and every day. I thank You that Holy Spirit does not leave them or forsake them. I am grateful that You are loving them in a way that I cannot right now. I am grateful that regardless of what they’re saying or doing, You are drawing them to Yourself. Father, You gave them birth, they are Yours and You love them in far greater measure than I can. I commit them to Your love, to Your care. In Jesus’ name.
Conflicts–we all have them. Can you recall your last conflict with your spouse or your child?
At the core and simply stated, you desired one thing and the other party desired another. You may have wanted something good, but the goal was blocked by the disagreement. It can be a daily occurrence.
How do you personally resolve a conflict? How did your parents resolve a conflict or perhaps they didn’t? We tend to follow in their footsteps whether we like it or not.
First, let’s establish this: conflict in marriage is not wrong. Not resolving conflict is wrong. Conflict that brings us to a solution can be a good thing as long as we honor one another in the process. When conflict turns meanspirited or resorts to name calling and uncontrolled anger, we have crossed a line.
Here are five steps you can take to help you bring a conflict to a resolve:
Understand / Discover
Understand that any two individuals will from time to time come into conflict. Understanding means listening and not just wanting to be understood. Discover what the conflict is and then identify each person’s understanding of the problem, as well as what goals are blocked by this difference.
Set Aside Time; The Right Time
Set aside time to deal with the conflict. When emotions are out of control, take time to step back, calm down, think and then come back together. (The use of a key phrase that signals we will come back together within a specified period of time to deal with the problem can be advantageous, e.g., “We need a cup of coffee.”) The right time is when we are not reacting but rather responding without an inordinate amount of emotion.
Agreement and Staying on the Subject
Discover areas that you are in agreement as well as the areas of disagreement. Stay on the subject which represents the immediate conflict. Do not allow the conflict to wander off into other unrelated areas of disagreement.
Appreciate and Identify the Needs
Appreciate your spouse’s opinion and what they add to the process. When you value the ideas and feelings of your partner, you value that person. Allow for the needs of each partner to be met. When needs are met, conflict can be resolved and goals can be reached.
Explore the Options and Move Toward a Solution
Explore options of resolution and move toward a solution. Prayer is a vital part of exploring the options and moving toward a solution. Take the time to not only listen to each other, but to the Lord as well.
James 4: 1 and 2 tells us that we fight and argue, trying to get what we want from each other. James then profoundly states we do not get what we want because we do not ask God.
We were flying all day and came to a pause in our conversation when I decided to start asking my bride of 49 years a few questions. She played along politely. We started with these two queries:
What are you enjoying about our marriage relationship in our present season?
What is not so enjoyable or a challenge in our present season of marriage?
It provoked some really good and interesting responses. I don’t know about you, but I thoroughly enjoy these types of questions and I think our long-term marriage deserves them. I tend to think long term marriages take way too much for granted and simply fail to dig into the issues at times. For some of us, we’d rather avoid such questions for fear of the answers and what might follow honest responses.
But for those secure marriages that are deep, communicative and safe, the challenge is welcomed. It’s refreshing to take a break and talk about us, our hopes and our dreams.
Two more questions that followed were:
What are you looking forward to in the next season of marriage?
What gives you pause concerning our next season of marriage?
Because we do dream about a “next season,” it is fun to project some thoughts, some “what ifs” and some hopes. If there is a pause or two, then we can discuss that and begin to work our way through it as preventatively as possible.
One last question we dug into at 35,000 feet:
What is on your marriage bucket list?
That was fun! I learned a thing or two. I know her better. I heard her thoughts. I care about our present and our future.
Try it. There are still things to learn from a long- term marriage.
Kissing. Who knew its scientific value? Who could imagine that this form of affection actually brought comfort, security, emotional satisfaction and even released feel good endorphins?
In a Psychology Today article from 2023, key lessons were explored when it came to kissing. There were obvious, predictable and emotionally boosting improvements discovered in the relationships that prioritize kissing.
First, what does a kiss do? It is a sensual connection within marriage that communicates affection and even deepens the relationship. Kissing reduces stress, tension and anxiety. Kissing boosts our immune systems through the trading of saliva. Kissing releases dopamine to improve one’s mood and foster more contentment. It is a non-verbal form of communication that speaks volumes, especially on the romantic side of marriage.
The article went on to share, “A skilled kisser is more likely to be in sync with their partner’s needs…and it promotes higher levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.” Why? Because kissing is not just a physical connection but it also connects us emotionally. It is being in the moment with your mate. When we kiss, we are continuing to build a healthy relationship, an emotional charge and a physiological enhancement to our marriage.
These are all psychological benefits that improve our overall marriage satisfaction and should never be underestimated as a powerful tool for keeping the flame burning. Regardless of how long you are married, don’t lose the art, the connection and the value of a kiss.
Kiss when you leave the house.
Kiss when you return.
Kiss when praying together.
Kiss as you retire for the evening.
Kiss in front of the children and kiss for no reason at all.
I have never seen myself as an artist or very creative. That is, until people began commenting that some of my hobbies are very artistic and creative. It actually surprised me, in a good way of course.
The lightbulb has become a symbol of creativity or ideas. Creativity with invention symbolizes ingenuity.
A friend of mine quilts scenes from a picture.The headboard is my design.
Thomas Edison was a record-setting creative inventor who has 1,093 different inventions. On one single day in 1888 he recorded 112 different ideas. He patented something every eleven days. When he died, it is said that 15 billion dollars of the national economy was a result of his innovations alone. He employed thousands of people who became known as his “muckers.”
We use many of the items, or variations thereof, that Edison invented to this day. Items like: the phonograph, the kinetoscope (an early motion picture device), the dictating machine, the alkaline battery, the electric meter, a sap extractor, a talking doll, rock crushers, electric pens, and a tornado proof house.
The Creator of our world gives us the ability to create. His gifts are given to us to use for the benefit of others, for income to feed our family, for teaching and instructing others (multiplying our gifts), but ultimately for His glory and His purposes.
A baseball bat headboard created by my son-in-law for my grandson.
Exodus 35:35 reveals, “He has filled them with skill to do all kinds of work as engravers, designers, embroiderers in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and fine linen, and weavers–all of them skilled workers and designers.”
We each have a level of creativity and design because we each have a Designer. We are created in the image of the Designer. “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:10)
Funny thing though, Edison did not invent the lightbulb. Incandescent lights began in 1761. Edison prided himself in making things better–perfecting them. His first patent did not come until 1869, an electronic vote recorder. But Edison did create a lightbulb that would burn for hours, prolonging daylight on the street and in the factories.
What are those gifts He has deposited within you that others confirm in your life? Make your world a better place by using those gifts for His honor and His glory.
Dating is not a concept that has been around for centuries. It is more of a modern phenomenon. Many countries still do not engage in the modern notion of dating. But what did dating look like in the 1950’s?
It was a postwar era and much was reflected in the perception of dating when it came to male and female relationships. Men were expected to lead and demonstrating chivalry was extremely important. Dating etiquette has changed drastically, but what follows are a few examples.
Women were expected to be more reserved than men, so much so that woman would defer to their male date to order at restaurants for them. A lot of dating was group dating as dances and movies were frequented the most. Never was there a discussion of who would pay, as the men were always expected to pay the bill. After all, men were seen as the “protectors and providers” and financial ability symbolized the male role.
Dating was far more social in the 1950’s. It was not as much a private affair as it was a time to introduce your date to all your friends and your family. After all, family approval was a very important perception.
The idea of “going steady” began in the 1950’s. It meant that the dating relationship had become exclusive as it took a step toward a “serious” relationship. Exclusivity had within it the exchange of high school rings or college jackets as a ritual symbolizing a more permanent move in the relationship.
While we’re a long way from the 1950’s, there’s bit of purity in the nostalgia. Relationships were cherished and not thrown away in selfishness. As sexual “freedoms” became a thing in the 1960’s and 1970’s, the innocence of dating began to deteriorate. This deterioration began a downhill slide of disrespect toward one’s date as well as the parents.
Scripturally, the word dating is not found in the Bible. But what might be some concepts to adhere to for today in order to maintain a godly or God-honored relationship?
Treat your date like your bother or your sister. I Timothy 5:1-2 reveals that we are to treat older men as fathers and younger men as brothers. We are instructed to treat older woman as mothers and younger woman as sisters. Then these words are added to the verse, “…with absolute purity.” The scriptures admonish us that in a dating relationship we are to treat our date as a beloved brother or sister with absolute purity. Romans 12 and 13 have a lot of advice as well. “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world…” “Honor one another above yourself.” “Hate what is evil…” “Love does no harm…” “Put aside deeds of darkness…behave decently…not in sexual immorality.”
In your dating, strive to be one another’s protection. Dating can quickly turn into a taking relationship vesus a giving one. When that happens, it becomes “me” centered. Dating has an unwritten concept within it today that goes like this, “I’ll try it to see if I like it and it meets my needs.” That concept promotes hurt and rejection rather than love and protection. When we date in a godly fashion we are thinking about what will bless this other person. We are thinking about what will bring them joy and what will promote spiritual and emotional growth for them. Think of it in these terms: if sexual immorality takes from the one I am dating then saving sex for marriage is protecting this person for their future spouse. Further, if dating becomes full of repentance and apologies from the last date, then we have not protected the spirituality or the emotions of the one we are dating.
Live and date to please God; set boundaries for yourself and your relationship I Thessalonians four warns us to abstain from sexual immortality. You are warned to treat your body as holy and your date with honor. If our dating has become “acting married”, then we are defrauding one another. This foundation is a disaster for marriage. Why? Because, if one is sexual before marriage, why not be sexual outside your marriage? Think about it. If you are not setting boundaries for yourself in a dating relationship, what makes you think you’ll set boundaries within your marriage, let alone keep them?
Do you desire to honor God in your dating? Then take a closer look at the three points above and pursue them for yourself. You will never regret following God’s truths while pursuing that special person He has for you.
Steve Prokopchak 