Early on in our marriage our biggest struggle was about money. Since that time, we have learned this topic is a struggle for most couples. Not to assume that it is only a struggle when there are insufficient funds, but, as we discovered, when there are sufficient funds as well. We went on to ascertain that the differences had to do with two areas. Those two areas were financial values and trust. In other words, we did not have the same beliefs when it came to spending and saving and those differences led to not fully trusting each other. This blog entry is dedicated more to finding those roots versus practical budgeting tips. So, here are some root issues to consider when it comes to financial values and trust:
- Do not avoid the money discussion, it will only grow worse. Admit your different views and find the positive in each one.
- Realize that each of you has an important piece to the puzzle. One of you can see what the other does not and together you will have a more complete picture.
- Find where you agree and start there. While Mary and I did not agree on the grocery budget, we did agree that we needed groceries.
- Admit your mistakes in handling money. If you were wrong and purchased a non-budgeted item, admit it and make it right. This will help to rebuild trust.
- Get a hold of the big picture first. Where do you desire to go with your financial resources? This will help you find agreement and unity in vision.
- Find ways to honor one another in the process. If one of you is better with budgeting and finance, then honor that person by giving them the greater financial responsibility.
- Pray together over your finances and listen for God’s direction for your specific needs.
I love marriage, being married – my marriage. It is unthinkable to be writing that Mary and I are soon married for 41 years and more in love. It is amazing to be at this place, such a good place. I love “old love.” We’re not as fast as we used to be and neither are we as pain-free, but seriously, love that grows old with someone…there’s nothing like it. At this end of the spectrum, I have something to share about marriage and here are a few of those things:
A number of decades ago in my more youthful leadership years, I had a young coworker who excelled at being a thorn in the flesh. He was in the wrong employment at the time, because in actuality the only probable employment for him was to work under no one, but himself. He simply could not be lead and neither did he have any grace for being part of a team. His team was made up of one: himself. While he didn’t realize it, he was a teacher, a great one. He taught me so much about what not to do, how not to act and who not to be. It was painful trying to work with him, but to this day I know I walk in lessons learned from this man.
For eight years, Mary and I were foster parents of adjudicated teenage boys. Over that eight-year period we fostered 25 different youth. We loved those kids and longed to instill the love of our heavenly Father within them. No state program compared to godly, affirming and accepting foster parents who loved unconditionally. Daniel was with us for over two years, went to Bible College for four years and continued to be in relationship with us until one dreadful day. This is what I learned from loving Dan.
Father’s can’t meet all of their children’s needs. After a failed marriage and many failed same-sex relationships, we received a call that Daniel ended his, all-to-young, 45-year-old life. I wish it could be different, but I am so grateful for what he taught me about life, pain and love without conditions. I know his struggle was real and I just hope he felt real love and acceptance from a temporary foster Dad.
I was sitting at my desk in the office of our home working on my computer when I felt some tingling on the skin of my right leg. A few seconds later the “tingling” became more pronounced and moved to the side of my right calf. Not thinking much of it, I reached down to scratch that area of my leg. Just then I realized there was something there, something foreign, something warm, something alive. I grabbed the outside of my jeans while at the same time grabbing what was clinging to my leg. It squirmed. It was soft. I squeezed tighter. It squirmed some more in an impossible effort to get away. I squeezed even ti-i-i-ighter. It gave up and became still. I then stood, stomped my right leg on the floor and “it” dropped to the carpet, laying there lifeless.
There is this break up of a certain celebrity couple that has recently made the news. It seems that it was over his refusal to have sexual intimacy with her. This is newsworthy today because the media is pointing out his “dysfunction” and not hers. Interesting. Just what will waiting to have sex do for you as a single? Here are a few benefits:
Mid speech the politician talking sheds a tear while the camera zooms in for a closer look on this tender moment. The crowd in the room and the viewer around the world quiets themselves and pauses to observe this deeply felt emotional discourse. Surely tears mean “truth-filled” words are coming from his or her lips and they overwhelm this elected government official. The need or desire must be so great that from deep within their spirit is a groaning to be heard and understood. But is it real or is it an act? I suppose that only the politician and God really know the answer to that question. But, the following are a few ills of this world that I pray politicians will one day weep about in order to provoke change:
Jesus loves these persons. He weeps over the sinful choices of mankind. He gave His life a ransom to redeem every one of these life circumstances and He empowers us to not just weep with Him, but to pray and to ask Him what part we play in changing these real life conditions. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. (Isaiah 9:6,7)
What might happen if you neglect the important things in life? What if you neglected the maintenance on your car? It just might leave you sitting somewhere unplanned. What if you neglected your health? Eventually, your body begins to break down if the mistreatment is severe enough. Or, what happens if you move into your new home and never repair or update a thing? The neglect will eventually cost you in the devaluation of your property or even costlier repairs. If you neglect your job, you will literally be working toward termination. Neglect your family and relationship issues will grow.
Jesus suffered, as did many men and women of history. It was/is our Lord’s belief that something would be built in us as we would realize…For our present troubles are quite small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! (II Corinthians 4:17)
Accountability is not a popular topic these days. We love our freedom and our independence to decide for ourselves without the restriction of someone “looking over our shoulder.” We can find it intrusive and cast it off as, “my business is my business.” The problem with that line of thinking is it’s truly un-biblical. Could you imagine Jesus saying, “Listen to my teaching and watch me heal the sick, but realize that my personal life is none of your business?” Or, how about if Paul the Apostle shared with the church in Corinth, “I am going to call out your sin, but you dare not call out mine?” We simply do not live as unto ourselves.
Steve Prokopchak 