Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

When it comes to Marriage, Do you have a Consumer’s Mentality or a Committed Mentality?

Imagine you’re at the “husband restaurant” looking over the menu.  Your waiter comes and you ask him, “Do you have any of those good-looking husbands who are tall, lean and somewhat handsome (“somewhat,” because too attractive causes problems with other women)?”  Your waiter assures you there are a few remaining.  You then add,”…a little smart on the side, but not too smart (you need to be able to win the arguments), skilled with his hands…a mister-fixer-upper would be nice.”  “Oh, and for dessert, I’ll have some of that, “likes housework over sports and spending time with the guys.”  The problem is that when your server brings him he’s undercooked, green, can’t do a thing with his hands or he’s overcooked and thinking he knows it all.  He’s not tender and he is clueless when it comes to emotional issues.  You tell your waiter, “Take him back, he’s not at all what I ordered; in fact, I think you brought me someone else’s order by mistake!”  Consumerrrrr.

When we marry, most spouses are a little rough around the edges, but God loves rough around the edges – He specializes in it.  He will use your spouse in your life to tenderize you and bring you truth.  At times it hurts, but if you remain teachable it will “hurt good.”  Consumers criticize their mate’s brokenness, but the committed fight for him or her with a redemptive spirit.  The consumer tries to change their mate to be more like themselves.  Their thought process goes something like this, “If he were more like me and the way I think and act then married life would be so much easier.”  Their core belief is, “My way is the right way.”   The committed are thinking, “It’s not my way or his way, but our way.”  The committed have thoughts, words and actions toward the redemptive purposes of God in their marriage.  The committed are not making unfair comparisons, but are walking by faith toward a deeper level of connection.  The reason?  They realize the deep need for the same level of commitment and grace for themselves.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Loving Women/Respecting Men II

An interesting concept in scripture is when a man desires to be an overseer.  There are some Biblical guidelines and character traits given, one of which is found in I Timothy where it says, “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.”  A man will struggle with his job, his family and his ministry if he feels a lack of respect from those whom he relates to.  When a man feels more respect from his guy friends, his job or hanging out at the fire company rather than his home you will find him desiring to spend the bulk of his time at these places.  Further, when a man experiences a put down in public, he will feel disrespect.

On the other hand, when a woman experiences a put down, she will feel a lack of love.  If she feels that lack of love from her husband, she will begin to separate herself from him emotionally in an effort to protect herself.  Loving your wife through loving acts of service, loving words and physical touches of love will draw her closer to your heart.  When a father expresses love to his daughter and a mother expresses respect to her son, those parents will reach into the very core of their child calling forth their womanhood and their manhood.  Men, ask your wife in what ways can you grow in your expressions of love toward her.  Women, ask your husband in what ways can you grow in showing and expressing respect and honor.   And, please, start by sharing one way, not twenty.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Loving Women/Respecting Men

Why do you think the scripture tells men to love their wife and women to respect their husband?  (See Ephesians 5:33)  Something that seems to come natural to women is love; they know how to love deeply.  Wives thrive on loving words and actions.  Men need women because women teach men how to love.  Mothers are so amazing when it comes to loving unconditionally.  Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s a face only a mother could love?”  Love is natural for a woman; therefore, she naturally desires love from her husband.  A woman can love to her own detriment.  I have known women who love men who abuse them.

On the other hand, the scriptures indicate that men are to be respected.  Do men not need love?  No, but ask a man would he rather feel (un)love from his mate or disrespect?  Respect literally means to give honor.  A woman says, “How can I show respect if I am not loved?”   A man expresses, “How do I love if I am not feeling respected?”  Where did this begin?  Listen to this paraphrase of Genesis 3:15 written by Hebrew scholar, Ronald Allen, “God then spoke to the woman as a consequence of her rebellion…I will magnify your pain in giving birth.  I will also allow pain to come into your marriage relationship…you will tend to desire to usurp the role I have given to him (your husband) as the compassionate leader in your home, rejecting his role and belittling his manhood.  And the man on his part will tend to relate to you in loveless tyranny, dominating and stifling your integrity as an equal partner to himself.”

To be continued…

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Longevity in Marriage

 

How long do you expect to be married?  Seriously, how many years do you think you’ll be one with your mate?  My parents are married for 62 years and my in-laws are married for 73 years.  Perhaps it’s good, at times, to consider the other end of a marriage relationship rather than just looking at today.  What is it that you want the last years of your relationship to look like because, honestly, you are working toward that moment right now, today. What do you desire your marriage testimony to say, “It was rough and rocky, but we stuck it out?”  Or, how about what my wife recently observed while sitting with her parents at the doctor’s office?

Harold, my father-in-law, pushed his bride, Betty, into the exam room via a wheel chair and then he shuffled slowly to his seat directly across the room from her.  Mary, my wife, was seated between the two of them where she could witness what would happen next.  In the silence of this waiting period, Mary caught her mother and father looking into one another’s eyes  and then her mother began to move her lips in total silence and mouthed these words to her lifelong partner, “I love you.”  Harold, with a twinkle in his eye, immediately mouthed those same words back.  That’s it; that was the total conversation before the doctor arrived on the scene.  A brief moment caught in time reveled two hearts who will finish the journey of marriage and their marriage testimony amazingly well.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number ten: Evaluation

 

Most persons dread evaluation time at their work place.  The whole concept has a negative feel to it.  However, it doesn’t have to be negative when it becomes life-giving.  What do I mean?  Once a year, Mary and I take off for our evaluation weekend.  It is normally at the end of the year or in the very beginning of a new year.   We locate an inexpensive place to stay and we gather together our goals and vision for the present year, our marriage mission statement, our budget, check books, savings account and our schedule books.  Throughout the first afternoon and evening we review our past year, e.g., our jobs, our volunteer organizations, our finances, our mission statement, our goals, our children, our home projects and our schedules.  We simply talk about what was and how we are presently doing.  We review our personal lives and our lives as a couple, i.e., date nights, family gatherings, roles and responsibilities.  We then go out for a nice meal together and continue the discussion as is necessary.  The end the evening with giving thanks to God for all He has done in our lives.

The next day we begin our projections for the year ahead.  We review and re-write if necessary our mission statement.  Over the years our couple mission statement changes as our children are raised or as we reach financial goals.  We re-write our goals for the coming year.  We re-work our family budget.  (One year we had to reduce 7.5% of our income from our budget.  I was dreading this piece of the weekend, but with appropriate evaluation, prayer and communication we did it in one painless effort.)  Prayerfully we consider our schedules for work and ministry together, our trips and weekends away together.  Together we make necessary budgetary changes.  We reflect on questions like, “Do we need to save a bit more or adjust our giving?”  We take the time to pray over every area of our lives and together dream about our future.  When we leave this place, we leave on the same page, hand-in-hand and united for the year ahead.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number nine: Be Thankful

 

Does your spouse care for your wash?  Who maintains your car?  Which one of you mows the lawn?  Who cleans the bathrooms?  And whose job is it to balance the check book and pay the bills?  These are a few of the mundane, everyday, thankless and boring duties of life.  When is the last time you thanked your spouse for doing one of those jobs?  I mean really and truly went to them and said, “You know, I never run out of socks because some how they go from the wash basket back into my drawer clean and smelling fresh.  I do not know how you keep up with it all, but thank you.”  Or, “I am so thankful that you take the time to maintain our vehicle.  Today I saw someone along the road broken down and thought of you.  I need to thank you for that.”

When discontent surfaces in our lives toward our spouse we lose thankfulness.  We begin to focus on the things he or she is not doing and forget to give praise for the things they are doing.  Our expectations are unmet and we let them know it.  Why do we measure personal contentment in our life by what we expect from others?  For example, I have heard couples make statements like, “I’ll be content when he starts listening to me” or “I’ll be content when she begins to appreciate what I do for her.”  I Timothy 6:6 states, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”  We will never be content when _________ happens, but we can choose to be content now even if what we expect is not happening.

If I am thankful for my wife and the many things she does to care for our marriage now, then I will not waste time in discontent and thanklessness, both of which are extremely unproductive.  Thankfulness in our marriage is actually contagious, especially when expressed for the many daily and routine tasks.  By the way, thank you for taking the time to read this.  :)

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Ten Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number eight: Every Marriage Needs a Mission

God gave Adam and Eve a mission, to tend the garden together.  He gave Nehemiah a mission to rebuild destroyed and burnt walls.  He gave Peter and Paul a similar mission to two different people groups.  Jesus had a mission to fulfill from His Father and then He asked us to join Him in the great co-mission.  Wouldn’t it seem reasonable that God has a mission for every married couple?  Unfortunately, many marriages today lack a cooperative mission.  The husband is doing his thing with a teen boys Sunday school class and his wife is meeting with the woman’s missionary support team.  However, if God has called you together, He has purpose and mission in that call.  Even to operate a small business, a couple must be in agreement and flow together in a cooperative mission.

That is where Ephesians 5 comes in when it tells us to submit to one another and then for wives to submit to husbands.  That word submission in the Greek is Hupo Tasso and it means to arrange under toward a mission.  We know the prefix “sub” in the word submission means under, i.e., under the mission.  So, the question one must ask when it comes to wives submitting is: what’s the mission?  What is she submitting to?  It is certainly not every selfish wish and whim of the leader.  Let me paint a picture for you as I see it.

Every train has and is in total need of a track.  Which one is more important, the track or the train?  Neither is more important, the one fails without the other.  The train’s mission is completed by the direction and support of the track.  Mary and I first wrote our own mission statement for our marriage and family more than 15 years ago.  We have seen many areas fulfilled and have rewritten our statement numerous times, but our mission statement for our call together still exists.  We totally and fully believe that every marriage needs a mission.  Do yourselves a favor and write your marriage mission statement together as soon as you can, pray over it and review it at least annually.  When you find this agreement in couple mission, you’ll also realize agreement in many other areas of marriage.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number 7: Playing Together

What is your favorite fun thing to do together as a couple?  When is the last time you participated in that area of fun?  Couples know how to do fun when dating, e.g., laughing together, growing in friendship and relating at that relaxed level of comfort over a milkshake or a latte.  What happens after we say “I do?”  All too often we allow fun to take a back seat to the more “serious” issues in the relationship.  Proverbs tells us that laughter is like a medicine (Proverbs 17:22).  Laughter has within it medicinal purposes and it’s given to us as a gift of God.  If there was an instrument called the “fun-o-meter” and the number 10 was fun at its best, exactly where would your relationship find itself today?

Have you been able to slow down enough to simply take a walk and hold hands, perhaps taking a few moments to pray and converse?  Matthew 13, verse one, states, “That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake.”  When is the last time you left your house (your responsibilities) and sat by the lake with your lover?  Vacations are great moments for fun connections, but vacations come once or twice a year.  Take a moment to think of some of the things you once did and the things that you would like to do that are fun for you as a couple.  Purpose in your heart to schedule times of fun together and you will find a wonderful connection that lacks criticism and promotes healthy, life-building, laughter-filled relationship.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Uncategorized

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

 

Number Six: Praying Together

Sex is not the most intimate act within marriage.  Does that statement surprise you?  Today it seems that it takes very little commitment to another person before experiencing a sexual encounter.  The intimacy of sex in the way God created it for us has been stolen by an enemy who counterfeits everything holy and pure.  After 37 years of marriage and speaking to literally hundreds of couples, we have come to believe that the most intimate act within marriage is for a husband and a wife to come together in united prayer to their heavenly Father.  To bow our heads and hearts in one accord means that we have put our differences behind us; as partners we come united in agreement without fear and without competition and we exercise faith in Someone greater than ourselves and our abilities.

Prayer is intimate and thus many couples have forfeited couple prayer for prayer with a same sex friend or prayer partner.  Disclosing our hearts in prayer, sharing our deepest desires, sorrows and aspirations is an act of revealing spirit to spirit to Spirit.  “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19)  Early on in our relationship we discovered that we could fight and argue or pray and agree – both are very powerful.  We also discovered that prayer brings security to my wife and honor to me as her husband.  Where to begin if you are not praying together:

Take five minutes in the morning or as you close the day and pray.

Do not pray at one another, but for one another.

Start praying by giving thanks for all God has done and is doing.

Do not “out pray” your partner.  Keep it balanced and simple.

Start small and allow it to grow over time until you discover the need to pray.

Hold hands while you are praying.

Disclose your heart to your heavenly Father and find agreement with your earthly life mate.

Watch your prayer lives grow as you ride in the car together, as you turn off the TV, put down the book or turn off the computer, as you sit with one another in the morning or holding one another at night to pray, pray, pray.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

 Number 5: Change vs. Resistance

Resistance just comes naturally.  Often our first response to our child when they make a request is, “No.”  Charles Swindol once said that if he could raise his children over again he would say “yes” more often.  Without thought, have you said “no” to your spouse more often than you have said “yes?”  We resist because some things initially seem out-of-order or different; we resist because it’s new and unfamiliar; we resist because the new way represents change and change is often insecure to us, hard work, uncomfortable and/or outside of our “normal” range.  In our marriage, I love change while Mary finds herself often initially resistant, at least until she can “see” the need for change.  The thought can be, “Why change, things are fine the way they are.”

God, however, specializes in change by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2).  His change is for our individual good, maturity, and healing (to become more like Him).  But here’s the catch: He often uses our spouse to provoke certain change in our life.  Early in our marriage, I thought Mary was a spender and she thought me to be tight with finances.  As God opened our eyes to each other’s gifts, we discovered that Mary was a giver, one who blesses, and I was the one who was saving for future needs and future vision.  Together, as we adapted to change vs. resistance, we became a powerful team of balance.  As we embrace godly change, we may discover a gift in our mate that we have been resisting and it just may lead to a deeper unity.

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