Children, Encouragement, Parents, Issues of the Day, Men, Challenge, Women

Passing

The only noise in the room is the quiet hum of the oxygen machine. Holding her hand, I receive a semi-opened eye of pure love. She says a word or two occasionally. The best of late were, “I love you” and “goodbye.” 

My mother is 96 years old and has been the Eveready Bunny most of my life. She could work circles around anyone. Lying in a bed in a hospice unit must be extremely difficult and tormenting to her normally active self. And for the number of years under her belt, she can recall most anything. Her mind has stayed uncannily sharp.

Even while in assisted living, a place my wife and I jokingly refer to as “unassisted living,” she caught five med errors. That’s something to boast about at her age!

With my father preceding her to heaven, one feels the oncoming loss of both parents. But these last days are not about me as a son; they’re about caring for a mother who loved me, fought for me, and lovingly raised me. She was protective, but not overly protective. She corrected me but never overcorrected. Most times, as a misbehaving son I could make her laugh and then she’d forget about why she was disciplining me. I’d quickly be off the hook.

Laughing came easy to her, but she did not tolerate what she called “stupid humor.” The movie Elf was in that category for her. One of her nurses also falls within that category and she just rolls her eyes at her. Honestly, I’d have to agree with her on that one. 

Last night we prayed and I released my mother to her heavenly home. It was sweet, but without response from her. I know she agreed. Billy Graham once said there are two days in a person’s life that they do not control–the day they are born and the day they die. Everything in between is a choice. My mother made good choices during those in-between years. 

How does one say goodbye? When the one passing is a lover of Jesus you do not; you say, “See you later.” It is that hope we hold as Christians. The reason? Jesus did not stay in the grave. After the third day He arose from that tomb the enemy thought would hold Him, while the Romans believing no one could roll a huge stone away. He gloriously became the resurrection and the life.

I love how Matthew describes the scene at the tomb Sunday morning. He writes, “The angel went to the tomb and rolled the stone away from the entrance. Then he sat on top of the stone.” (28:2-5) That was one tough and totally cool angel! He sat on top of the stone waiting for the first arrivals to the empty grave.

End of life with our parents is not an easy time, but it can be a good time when our relationship is whole and full of love. If you’re out of relationship with a loved one, do all you know to do to make it right, forgive, and humble yourself. You only get one set of parents in this life and none of them are perfect, not even you. 

My mother is still with us this Easter, but unfortunately, she won’t be able to join the rest of us around our celebration table. We’ll miss her at the meal, but then we’ll gather around her bed celebrating her life until she enters her eternal home.  Meanwhile, she is holding onto a soft bear companion that my granddaughter is sharing with her.

I love you, Mom! One of these days we’ll be saying, “See you later” and it will be okay.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Men, Parents, Women

The Humor in Reaching Your 70’s

Guessing I never really could visualize what being in my 70’s looked like; I didn’t think about it much. I could observe my parents, but then they were parents and parents are supposed to be “old”. I remember Ralph from when I was in my 30’s, a butcher friend of mine, who was in his 70’s at the time. He seemed really old to me. Ralph often had a runny nose. You know, that clear liquid dripping off the tip and into the sausage he was grinding. I can also recall my step grandfather, who seemed old, smoking a pipe. I remember thinking, “Maybe when I am old like him, I’ll smoke a pipe.”

I don’t think you’re old when you’re in your 30’s or 40’s. But when you reach 50, most people will at least view you as old-er. Sixties though, that’s a different story. Those senior discounts kick in. I recall asking a waitress if her restaurant provided a senior discount and she said, “I already gave you the discount.” I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or sad. 

The medical profession says colonoscopies should begin in your 50’s. I have no idea where this revelation came from, but I have now had enough of those to know what I’m talking about. Today they even have medical centers strictly dedicated to these tests. I picked up my prep bag at the front desk and was asked, by the YOUNG girl behind the desk, what flavor I like for the “exit” fluid they give you. You know, the fluid that causes everything you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours to exit. I looked in the bag and asked her if there was a seatbelt issued. She looked back at me dumbfounded and then it hit her what I was talking about. I could still hear her laughing as I exited the building. 

When you’re in your 70’s all kinds of foods are taken off the list. I’m told that red meat is to be significantly reduced or eliminated. Is bacon red meat? I eat more bacon these days because I can afford to buy it now. I do believe bacon comes from “the other white meat.” At least that’s what I tell myself.

I’m told to eat more vegetables, especially dark green ones. I love vegetables–any color. That’s not a problem. But I’m not to have fried food, processed food, dairy products, sugar, high cholesterol foods, saturated fats, or salt. What’s left beside bran flakes?

I used to laugh at how many pills older people in my life would take. I now have my own fist full. My wife, a retired nurse, makes sure I take my daily vitamin, a pill for my joints, one for keeping my hair and nails, one for my blood to pass more easily through my heart, one for my prostate, one for arthritis, some kind of nasty fish oil, and I am sure I’m missing one or two. 

Bathrooms. I can recollect telling my kids to “Get in the car and forever hold it; we’re not stopping.” It’s good my kids don’t ride with me these days because we make that stop all too regularly. 

When you’re in your 70’s all the professionals in your life are younger than you and many are younger than your own children. My dentist is so young that when he told me I needed a crown and asked if I have had one, I replied, “Yes, I have had one, have you ever done one?” My youthful medical doctor told me my A1C was “high normal.” I asked him to repeat that second word. In my book, “normal” is normal. He’s too young to realize some other physician smarter than him changed the numbers so more meds could be sold to unsuspecting “old” people.

Reaching this milestone has its benefits though. You can say things that you couldn’t say when you were younger because most people might have been offended. I told my dentist once that he had his fingers in my mouth and my wallet all at the same time. He agreed. When you’re in your 70’s they just look at you, give you a pass by concluding, “He’s old and doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” 

I asked a teenager recently how she got those holes in her jeans. She said she bought them that way. I told her I earned the holes in my jeans by working. I’m not about to buy jeans with holes already in them.

Being gray-haired is honorable in the scriptures. The Bible relates it to wisdom. “Gray hair is a crown of glory… (Proverbs 16:31.” And “… the splendor [or wisdom] of old men is their gray hair (Proverbs 20:29).” There are years of experience to life under that gray haired belt. We’ve been around the block, maybe a little slower these days, but still getting around.

“They [the righteous] will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green. (Psalms 92:14).” It’s not a time to quit. It’s time to gain new vision and direction, keeping in mind that the next generation needs what you can give to them. If the next generation will honor that hoary head, there is much to learn from us.

Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. (Psalms 71:18)

Instead of anxiously running around that old-er person the next time they’re holding you up, try asking them if they need your help or if they have any wisdom to pass on to you. I’m pretty sure you’ll be better for it and then, perhaps, find yourself in your 70’s one day. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Training, Women

The Power of a Kiss

You’re married and I’m optimistic that you’re still kissing and hugging. If you’re not, can you remember back when that’s all you desried to do while dating or engagement? How frequently are you connecting with an embrace and a kiss?

The Gottman Institute conducted a study on how long it takes the brain to release the chemical oxytocin initiated by a kiss or a hug. Here are the results:

A kiss – held six seconds

A hug – held twenty seconds

That’s it. Now try it. Yes, give it a whirl. Go ahead; give it a try and test the study!

That’s a long kiss and a lengthy hug, but something happens. Perhaps you laughed. Maybe you smiled inside or initially found it uncomfortable. Whatever the feeling, this study proved that couples who continue to kiss, hug and be affectionate live four years longer than those who do not. What follows are some additional facts from their study.

What the six second kiss can do for you

  • It can build a ritual of connection. 
  • It can be a physical connection.
  • If your partner has initiated, then it’s turning toward your partner.
  • It boosts fondness and appreciation.
  • It builds appreciation between you.

And it can:

  • add to your emotional bank account.
  • boost your positives ratio’s.
  • lead to sexual attraction.
  • be self-soothing.
  • reduce cortisol (the “stress” hormone) and boost oxytocin (the “love” hormone).

Sometimes words fail us. At other times, we’re just missing each other. The six second kiss and the longer hug will reconnect us. It says, “I still love you, am attracted to you and need you.” You can say more to one another in six seconds of silent kissing, than you can in hour of argument.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Parents, Prayer, Training, Women

Finding Your Happy Pace

It is said that not everyone is a goal setter. There are those who live day-by-day; what will come will come and somehow get away with it. They specialize in not having a plan, being primarily spontaneous, and perhaps generally lacking or maybe even avoiding order. 

Then there are those who not only have a plan and goals, but they also have a list–a daily list. They love their list and especially enjoy crossing off those tasks completed. They feel productive and useful. And when they complete their list, only then can they rest. 

I personally fall into the latter group. I have lists for daily jobs, blogs I want to write, work I want to accomplish, and sermon messages I want to share. Checking off an accomplishment from my list gives me certain satisfaction. At the same time, I feel like I’m not missing things I should not miss. My lists are a reminder. While I am not driven by them, they help me find my pace.

If I don’t get through my list, then the items simply go to another day–no worries. I do not fret over my list if not every line item is accomplished. But I have a secret that I am going to let you in on. 

I start every day with God. I do not begin any list before I spend time with my Friend, my Savior, my Boss, and my Pace Setter. I want my list to honor Him first. And I want Him to be honored before my list. My priority is to “seek first the kingdom of God” and then knowing He will help me accomplish my list. 

The only way to really know someone is to spend time with them. The only way to have true direction is to hear your Father’s voice. He’s waiting to spend time with you, to speak to you, to love you and to share His thoughts so that your daily pace is directed by Him. Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us that there is a time for everything.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

From the First Date to Marriage!

Imagine I tell you that I met the woman of my dreams and on our first date we spent a full day together. We went for coffee, and we talked as we strolled the park. Then we found the perfect lunch spot along the canal front. By late afternoon we had talked constantly and are now holding hands. As a result, over dinner we decided to get married, tie the knot, get hitched!

What are you thinking of me and my first date? What is your immediate reaction, “You’re crazy?” To which I respond, “But you weren’t there; you have no idea of the love we feel.”

Obviously human bonding, relationships toward marriage, cannot occur from one date. It takes time to build a relationship that leads to a lifetime marital commitment.

Now suppose I tell you that I have been dating a young lady for five and a half years without any engagement or promise to marry. What are you thinking? I know I would be wondering if there is any reality for the future of this couple or are they wasting their precious time?

Just because something feels good does not mean it is good. That’s like gambling or playing the lottery. It takes time to build a sustainable relationship toward marriage, in the workplace with a boss or with your neighbor. How do you know that relationship has been built? Trust is at its core.

Without trust, relationships will always feel suspect, tentative or iffy. I cannot say how long it takes to build a trustworthy relationship, but I do know it is longer than a one-day date. We must discover core values, similar or complementary missions and dreams. 

If you’re wondering about your future and marriage, we have a resource to recommend to you. It will walk you through multiple questions to consider, a budget, co-mission, and much, much more. You can find that resource here.

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Challenge, Healing, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Bringing Laughter into Your Marriage

My wife and I love to laugh. We’ll catch Funniest Home Videos whenever we can. I take the time to show her funny YouTube videos or share memes that cause a chuckle. Why? 

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
    but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22)

Laughter brings joy to a marriage. It breaks down tension and relaxes the atmosphere. Laughter is medicinal to the soul, the spirit and the body. Laughter is physically, emotionally, and spiritually good for your marriage. 

Have you ever asked your spouse these questions? “What made you laugh today?” Or how about, “What’s the funniest memory you have in our marriage?” Bringing laughter into your marriage can help move us from a stale place, an angry place or a disappointed place to a place of smiles and positive emotions. 

Mary and I recently recalled one of the funniest times in our marriage. It was years ago when our kids were teenagers and we had just dropped off our daughter for a church activity. We noticed that all the lights were on at the brand-new Burger King in our town. There was traffic and people were inside eating. We decided on a hamburger dinner. It was strange though…

As we entered, the new manager offered us champaign. We made our way to the line to order and the kids behind the counter offered anything we wanted, any menu item for FREE. I said, “Free, are you sure?” “Yes” said the attendant. She then countered, “Order all you want, even dessert; it’s all free!” I immediately leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear, “We need to call our boys; they’ll show them how to do free.”

Mary went for our drinks while I grabbed a table. Within minutes she came running to find me. Looking straight at me with this horrid face of doom and speaking rapidly, but very quietly, said, “Steve, every person here is a parent of a kid who’s going to work here. It’s free because they are giving them opportunity to serve in real time to their families.” And then she added, “We have got to get out of here before someone asks us which of our kids will be working here!”

We gobbled our food down and hightailed it out of there. We found ourselves laughing for the next thirty minutes. We even woke up our sleeping daughter that night as we lay in our bed laughing out loud.

Laughing together will bring you closer; you’ll touch more and talk more. A conversation full of laughter is more intimate and will bring down your guard, creating an atmosphere of more openness.

Laughter– it’ll do your marriage good!

Our mouths were filled with laughter,
    our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
    “The Lord has done great things for them.” (Psalm 126:2)

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Singles, Training, Women

Time or Money, Which is More Valuable?

Do you value money over time or time over money? Perhaps an illustration would help.

Let’s say you are building a new home, and a generous friend offers you $5,000.00 toward the cost of the house build. Then let’s say someone says to you, “I don’t have money to give you, but I can help you build your new home.” Which offer are you more inclined to take, the one who offered financial help or the one who offered free labor?

Someone who offers us their time and talent speaks of a willing commitment toward you and your personal goal. We tend to find that level of commitment of greater value than someone handing us funds. Why? Because money is of relative value. For example, if I offer a twelve-year-old $100.00, they’re going to think they won the lottery. If I offer a wealthy businessperson $100.00, they might laugh at me. 

If we waste our money we can always earn more but having only 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week, we cannot get that back. When we waste time, we waste a valuable commodity that cannot be returned to us, i.e., we simply cannot create more time. 

I have the privilege of attending my grandchildren’s baseball, football, and soccer games and I often observe parents on the sideline with their eyes glued to their cell phones. When their children see them do you think those kids feel valued? That time for the child and the parent is wasted, and they’ll never get it back.

It is said that you can’t buy love. Money won’t and gifts won’t. Love grows because you are investing time into a relationship. Giving our time to serve others is far more meaningful and relationship building than giving our money. While it’s valuable to support a mission team with finance, it’s far more valuable to you and others to actually go and serve on that mission team. 

Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me. (Matthew 25:40)

And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. (Hebrews 13:16)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Issues of the Day

No One a Stranger Part II

I encountered some excellent feedback from last week’s blog about my random expressions to total strangers or happenstance meetings. Someone wrote and asked me for questions to take the conversation deeper once you establish a brief connection with someone. I loved the question and thought it worthy of a part two to last week’s blog. So, here goes, an attempt at taking the initial connection you might encounter with a random stranger a step or two deeper with a follow-up probing question. I have discovered most persons do enjoy talking about themselves. Why not take advantage of that fact?

Try several of these questions to see what might work best for you:

  • What do you do? What caused you to seek that profession?
  • Tell me about your family.
  • What has been the biggest lesson that you have learned so far in life?
  • What makes you, you?
  • What feeling do you love to feel?
  • Tell me about your creative side.
  • What do you do for fun?
  • Tell me about your thoughts of a personal relationship with God.
  • What are your thoughts on eternal life?
  • What was your favorite vacation and why?
  • Where should someone find their identity?
  • Where do you find your identity? 
  • Does God talk to you or how do you hear the voice of God?
  • What are you trying to prove to the world around you?
  • What is the best decision you have ever made and why?

People pay counselors $150.00 for a fifty-minute session and feel tremendous relief thereafter. Why? Someone listened to them. Listening makes others feel important and asking questions and listening reveals you care about hearing what they have to say. Schools teach public speaking courses frequently, but when is the last time you noticed a “public listening” course offered? I don’t think that course exists.  

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun

No One a Stranger

I like people and I like to engage them in conversation. I enjoy talking to neighbors, meeting new people, engaging store workers or waiters and waitresses. I ask questions – lots of them. I have had friends question me, “You talk to everyone, don’t you?” I do. But too often they say it like I have some kind of disease. Or like I am bothering people…perhaps sometimes I am. 

Yes, I have embarrassed my wife and my children more than once. But I tell myself God loves people, and He wants to talk to them, even those estranged from Him. He created every human being so that He could commune with them and encounter them in relationship. 

There is so much negativity on social media, but there are a lot of people who are looking for, waiting for a moment of connection. All you have to do sometimes is just smile at them. That smile can lead to a few words which may lead to an amazing conversation. I was waiting in line for my Chinese take-out order and began talking to a gentleman in the queue with me. Unbelieveably, he grew up in the very same area I did. I was on a bus in Santa Monica, CA headed to the airport and struck up a conversation with the guy standing in front of me. He knew and actually lived with family friends of ours in Pennsylvania! These connections are like little gifts, for the other of course, but also for us.

I joke with people, sometimes too much. My mouth gets into gear before my brain. I told my dentist once that he has his hands in my mouth and my wallet all at the same time. I had another very young dentist tell me I needed a crown. Immediately, flying out of my mouth was the question, “Have you ever done one?” Not the best question to ask of a trained professional.

The other day I noticed a truck driver delivering fuel to a local gas station. After my purchase, I came face-to-face with the driver entering the store and I made the comment, “Passing gas today I see.” To which he replied, “Why yes I am, Steve Prokopchak.” Yikes, he knew me! Fortunately, we had a good history and he enjoyed my joke. 

One evening Mary and I were on a date night. We were at a restaurant, and we asked if we could pray for our waitress when we said the blessing over our food. That waitress hung around us all evening. We couldn’t chase her away, but that’s okay; we realized we were there for her and she needed to talk to someone. 

People are God’s greatest love. He sent His Son for each life on this earth. If He loves them and desires to speak to them, so can we. We can bring them joy even if it’s only for a few minutes in their day. We can speak a word of encouragement. We can be a positive highlight in that moment. And, we can sow seeds of affirmation – letting them know their value. They may forget the conversation, but they won’t forget how you took the time to talk to them and how that felt for them.

Love God by loving who He loves!

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Developing Family Rhythms

Professionals are telling us that family rhythms are missing in today’s households. What are family rhythms? Those things that your family does to build relationship, maintain consistent values and grow in family sharing and caring. 

Family rhythms cause us to connect with each member of the family. Everyone is important and everyone gets to be heard. Rhythms create space for valuing, teaching and training. Rhythms help create family culture, the ‘who’ we are as a family. 

What are family rhythms? Let me list a few:

  • Having a meal or two together every day
  • Taking a weekly family sabbath
  • Establishing a game night
  • Enjoying a BIG breakfast Saturday mornings
  • Dating your children and your spouse
  • Family worship
  • Reading a book together that all can enjoy
  • Quarterly get-aways for a day or overnight
  • Weekly small group connections or youth group
  • Family work time, e.g., cleaning the house or mowing the yard together
  • Annual family vacations
  • A monthly movie night with popcorn
  • Celebrating birthdays wholeheartedly

Before we’re called to save the world we need to save our families, the God-created foundation of our world. What do you desire your children to say about their upbringing one day? Plant those seeds now in their lives. Give them every reason in the world to love their family and to make their friends jealous. 

Speaking of their friends. Our children often invited their friends on our family vacations. We loved that! It told us our kids thought enough of our family time together to invite their friends so they too could enjoy that time together. And enjoy those times we did.

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