Tag Archives: Marriage

Challenge, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Are You Play Deficient in Your Marriage?

You’re happily married. In fact, you’d do it all over again, right? But now there are so many intense responsibilities. Multiple others are depending upon you. Life is serious and you’re right in the middle of it with or without fun. 

Fun is now something you have to remind yourself of or, God forbid, actually plan. Play was so easy when we were merely engaged to be married. It came so naturally without much effort. Now it seems like we need to make it a goal for our marriage. 

The Bible tells us that laughter is like medicine. It’s true. Here are some of the medicinal effects laughter does for us: it’s a natural pain killer; it reduces blood pressure; it decreases depression and anxiety; it boosts the immune system; it’s just good for our mental, physical and spiritual health.

Let’s take it a step further. What is fun for you as a couple? What is energizing? What fun things replenish you? Discovering these things for us as individuals is great and necessary, but discovering them for our marriage is energizing for a play deficient marriage. 

Perhaps you’re in a stage of marriage where you are raising young children. Fun with them as parents is important, but taking time for the two of you is just as important. Or, maybe you’re at a stage where you’re spending a lot of time together. Be sure to plan fun activities so boredom does not set in. 

My wife and I had nonchalantly driven by a local Harley Davidson factory for many years and then we found out they offer free tours. Wow, what a fun morning that was. We live in a farming community. We discovered one of the large farming operations in our area offers daily tours. It was fun to see this operation up front and close. Museums, libraries, flea markets, yard sales, antique shops, an unplanned overnight, reading a joke book, funny YouTube videos, or coffee shops can all be inviting places of fun. 

Fun does not have to be expensive or days away. It needs to show up daily in your marriage. Study your spouse and find out what makes them laugh. Then go for it. It will build something refreshing in your marriage. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

Some Important Questions to Consider for the New Year

Have you evaluated 2024 with your spouse as yet? I mean, have you gone back over your year and discussed what you loved, what you missed, what you added, what you gave, what you received, what you grew in, what you failed in? Evaluation is a great way to end your year together.

Have you taken the time to share words of thanks with one another and to God? What are you thankful for? What can you thank your spouse for? Thankfulness blesses others and keeps our hearts from personal judgments. 

After considering those ideas, consider some questions that will help you to look forward to a brand-new year. Questions like:

  • What vision do we have for our marriage and family in 2025?
  • What exercise do we want to participate in together?
  • What rhythms will we continue/discontinue?
  • How can I help my spouse grow in their relationship with God?
  • How can I be a reflection of God to my spouse?
  • What couples or persons in our lives can help us to grow in our marriage?
  • How can we better participate in a sabbath?
  • What can increase our affection toward each other?
  • How can we maintain our sexual intimacy?
  • How can we grow our prayer intimacy together?
  • What are some healthy marriage maintenance moves we can make in 2025?
  • What spiritual goals can we create?
  • What financial goals can we create?
  • How can we make regular deposits of love in each other’s life?
  • What marriage book can we read together?
  • What marriage conference can we participate in?
  • How can just the two of us vacate together?

Looking back, giving thanks and then looking ahead can be a tremendous value to your marriage relationship. It can give you focus, bring correction and provide unity in direction. Marriages that make it 40 or 50 years are marriages that take seriously personal and couple change to become more loving, more giving, more complimentary, more forgiving and more generous.

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

Love Your Marriage Enough to Evaluate It

As we head into the last month of the year 2024, it’s a good time to look back. A look back is a great way to assess where we’ve been. In last week’s blog, we considered looking ahead and writing goals for our marriage. See it here.

So many things in life are assessed; why not our marriages? I often ask my wife if I traveled too much? Did I support her around the house sufficiently? Did she feel my support with the children? Did we engage in ample date nights? Have we been in financial agreement? Did she feel cared for and honored?  And here’s a tough one: did she see God in me more than she saw my selfish desires?

If we’re not in a good place, evaluation or marriage assessment can get us back on track by revealing where we went off track. If we’re in a good place, evaluation is not painful, but rather reassuring that we’re on course for what’s ahead. Evaluation helps us get onto the same page. We’re not judging one another; we’re thanking God for what we learned, what we went through, where we failed and where we succeeded. We’re considering what worked and what didn’t. 

Several years ago, we were assessing our prior year finances because we had a financial decrease forthcoming in the new year. I’m not sure about you, but discussing a decrease in salary is not a discussion I joyfully anticipate. We assessed our year and then began to cross out line items for the next year’s budget. We did it! 

Evaluation helped us to go forward as a couple. We would face the year ahead with unity and agreement.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Goals for Our Marriage

We have personal goals, work goals, financial goals and spiritual goals. What are the goals for your marriage? Where is your marriage going and how will you get there?

Sometimes in our marriage we are so today-focused that we do not take the time to think about tomorrow. Where do you desire your marriage to be in a year, five years, or ten years? 

Key: If you do not plant those seeds today, you will never reach your desired “harvest” or goal tomorrow. 

I know, I know, not everyone thinks in terms of goals, especially goals for your marriage, but this blog is written to every marriage out there. You never reach a goal without planning and taking steps toward the goal. 

Mary and I desired to retire our mortgage within ten years. We prayed. We placed extra money on the principle every month. We placed windfalls, tax returns, every extra dollar we could to reach that goal. Month after month and year after year we worked hard and in agreement toward the goal of paying off our home. Did we reach our goal in ten years? No, but that didn’t stop us or discourage us. We plugged away at it and not long thereafter reached our goal. 

For many years we loved taking our family vacations with our children. In time, our children were all married, but they still desired to do a family vacation. We made that happen as often as we could, but at the same time realized we had no personal vacation planned as a couple. 

Our goal became planning a year ahead for a week of vacation by ourselves. We have been doing so ever since. This goal helped us to have a loving, intimate and separate time together without caring, cooking and cleaning for others. 

When you create goals for your marriage, you’ll find yourself identifying areas that need strengthening. As a goal is communicated, prayed through and acted upon, your marriage will grow in connection. Goals for your marriage will keep you focused toward a future desire that will also build intimacy and commitment. 

Set aside some time at the local café and discuss a goal or two for your marriage. You will never regret it!

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Challenge, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

The Myths That Surround Marriage and Divorce These Days

How often have we heard that one in two marriages are ending in divorce? How frequently do we hear that marriage as an institution is on its way out? I am here to tell you just the opposite!

Shaunti Feldhahn, who is a Harvard trained Wall Street analyst and researcher has some very good news in her book, The Good News about Marriage. 

Shaunti reveals that the divorce rate in America has never been 50%. In fact, the divorce rates are actually declining. Seventy one percent of woman remained married to their first spouse and widowhood reduces the remaining 29%. Feldhahn states this brings us to a 25% divorce rate. 

Feldhahn also states that the rates of divorce among Christians are even less. Yes, those who share a like faith in their marriages were found to be at a 22% divorce rate according to a survey done by Family Life of 50 churches in 2013. 

From a Pew research: only one half of Americans are married today compared to 71% in 1960. Could this be connected to the pessimistic attitudes about God’s design for marriage? However, divorce rates have increased among those who live together, cohabitate, before marriage. They actually build a noncommitted attitude within their relationship and that spills over into their ensuing marriages, increasing their likelihood of divorce. 

Are marriages happy today? Yes! About 80% of marriages are happy and some rated their marriage “very happy.” In the book, those who decided to work through their differences will eventually find a greater level of happiness. Why? It was found that most couples know marriage takes work and they do not mind working toward that happiness. In one study, it was discovered that 93% of spouses would marry their same spouse all over again.

There you have it. Take courage; marriage as an institution is not failing. Divorce is not the biggest threat to marriages today. So, if you’re married, be encouraged, keep working, keep loving, keep praying and keep believing in your marriage. Your children will bless you for it. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

What Makes Sex Intimate?

Sex is often touted as the most intimate act of marriage. So, what makes it so intimate, especially for those married couples out there? 

Here’s a blog about making sure sex is an act of intimacy with your spouse. 

In order for sex to be intimate, there are a number of ingredients. Let’s list ten of them.

  1. Sex is not saying “I want sex;” it’s saying “I want you.”
  2. For sex to be intimate, pornography must be absent in your relationship. 
  3. Sex is knowing the preferred love-receiving, love-giving desires of my wife or husband. 
  4. Sex held within the boundary of our marriage is saying “I choose you, only you.”
  5. Sex is not “getting my needs met,” but rather meeting my spouse’s needs. 
  6. Sex is not just about a man or a woman’s physical release; it’s more about giving love to one another. 
  7. Sex is a physical, emotional and spiritual connection with your spouse.
  8. Sex is about feeling valued by another expressed through love, honor and respect. 
  9. Sex is never forced on another.
  10. Sex that provokes feelings of displeasure, distatefulness or embarrassment is not intimate.

Sheila came to us and shared that sex for her was her husband meeting his needs and then going to sleep. There is no intimacy and no emotional connection in a situation like that. For years she felt like an object. She preferred her marriage to be sexless vs. what she was enduring. 

It doesn’t have to be that way. Make a commitment to take time to evaluate your sexual intimacy. Listen to one another and hear what the other is feeling about your sex lives. Then make a commitment to change or talk to someone you would respect in this area. Do not allow one of the most intimate acts of marriage to be stolen from you. 

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Challenge, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Asking Long-Term Marriage Questions

We were flying all day and came to a pause in our conversation when I decided to start asking my bride of 49 years a few questions. She played along politely. We started with these two queries:

  • What are you enjoying about our marriage relationship in our present season?
  • What is not so enjoyable or a challenge in our present season of marriage?

It provoked some really good and interesting responses. I don’t know about you, but I thoroughly enjoy these types of questions and I think our long-term marriage deserves them. I tend to think long term marriages take way too much for granted and simply fail to dig into the issues at times. For some of us, we’d rather avoid such questions for fear of the answers and what might follow honest responses. 

But for those secure marriages that are deep, communicative and safe, the challenge is welcomed. It’s refreshing to take a break and talk about us, our hopes and our dreams. 

Two more questions that followed were:

  • What are you looking forward to in the next season of marriage?
  • What gives you pause concerning our next season of marriage?

Because we do dream about a “next season,” it is fun to project some thoughts, some “what ifs” and some hopes. If there is a pause or two, then we can discuss that and begin to work our way through it as preventatively as possible. 

One last question we dug into at 35,000 feet:

  • What is on your marriage bucket list?

That was fun! I learned a thing or two. I know her better. I heard her thoughts. I care about our present and our future. 

Try it. There are still things to learn from a long- term marriage.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Women and Pornography

It’s easy to assume that mostly men, young and older, have issues with pornography viewing. But the truth is, more and more women and young girls are getting caught in this addiction as well. Truthfully, the battle with sexual sins affects both men and women, boys and girls.

  • United Families International reports that 1 in 3 porn viewers are women. 
  • Barna Group has revealed that 63% of men aged 18-30 view pornography several times per week while 33% of women do the same.
  • 40 million Americans claim to be regular visitors to porn sites.
  • The computer program Covenant Eyes reports that men prefer images and women prefer erotic stories and romance sites.
  • Six in ten young adults (age 18-24 males and females) seek out porn daily, weekly or monthly. (Barna)

It’s not new. In the Old Testament of the Bible, there was a woman named Gomer who was pretty well known to be unrestrained when it came to sexual misconduct. In spite of her lifestyle, the Lord instructed Hosea, her husband, to show his love to her even as the Lord loved Israel. (Hosea 3:1) 

In John chapter eight we are told the story of an adulterous woman who according to the customs of the day should have been stoned to death. Jesus, to her rescue, told those watching and waiting to throw those stones, said they could do just that…if they had no sin themselves. Every person in this biblical scene dropped their rocks because we all have sinned (Romans 3:23). Jesus did not condemn her, but did say she was to go and “sin no more” (John 8:11).

Sexual sin is not new and it can affect every one of us. But, it can also be forgiven and dealt with by our Savior because He took (endured) our shame, our sorrows and our sins on the cross (Hebrews 12:2). Therein lies our answer. Like Gomer and the adulterous woman Jesus addressed, He will convict us of our wrongdoing rather than condemning us. Conviction comes to show us or to underline our sin so we will seek forgiveness through His cross and be cleansed of our sin. 

To be honest, I believe the cultures we live in today push this lifestyle. When nothing is sacred, when God-given morals are made fun of, and when there is no example of biblically held values on our TV’s and movie entertainment, it is no wonder generation after generation becomes more and more numb to sexual erotica and sexual exposure. To the world around us, it’s simply one more form of entertainment, even sometimes referred to as educational!

This “entertainment” is destroying children, teens and marriages. Sex trafficking has now become the largest issue around the world today. Pornography use directly feeds this issue. 

Men need healing and support groups, but so do women. Yes, women are betrayed by men and husbands who are involved in pornography, but pornography use among women is growing rapidly. God designed sex, not for sin, but rather to be something sacredly held within marriage where one man is committed to one woman.

God’s design of sex carries no regrets, no diseases, and no shame with it. 

Adam and his wife both were naked, and they felt no shame (Genesis 2:25).

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Small Groups, Training, Women

A Marriage Mentoring Group is Born

Multiple younger couples were either coming to us or we were having them over to our home for a meal. It seemed apparent they were looking for marriage mentors, a spiritual mom and dad to walk with them and share some helpful marriage principles. 

And so, it began. Ten groups and ten years later we are still excited about marriage mentoring. We grab four couples, hand picking them to invite to our group. They should not be on the verge of divorce or in desperate need of counseling. This is not a counseling group. This is a group that receives care, concern and input, but also gives it to the other couples. It is their group, not ours. My wife and I are the facilitators. 

We use our book Staying Together, Marriage: A Lifelong Affair and go through it chapter by chapter. We begin in February and end the following January on a weekend retreat together. We meet once per month on a Tuesday evening with dinner together; everyone helps with the meal. 

That first hour around the table is full of reporting about the last month, prayer requests, jokes and laughter, fun and fellowship. The following two hours are in our living room sharing our experiences and questions in marriage provoked by the reading assignment. We laugh, we cry and we pray. We talk, we get passionate and we get real about our lives as married couples. 

Mary, my wife says, “This is my very favorite group all month. We love these ‘kids’ and we love their authentic, truth-filled responses.” If you are a happily married, seasoned couple with a heart for marriage, you can duplicate this very group. Young couples are just waiting to be asked. They are a hungry generation looking for help to succeed in their marriages. They long for parents who will encourage them, tell them they’re wrong at times and provide loving examples to them. The book will help you and guide you with plenty of questions, but it will take a back seat to the relationships that are built. 

Do you want the divorce statistics to decrease? Then take my challenge and start your own marriage mentoring group. Meet consistently once a month for one year and you will change lives and build memories for a lifetime. 

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Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Leave and Cleave; Have You Left Your Parents?

I distinctly remember when each of our children left their family home for good. It is never a matter of will they leave, but rather a matter of when and how they will leave. Be assured, they will one day leave and the test of all that you taught them will begin. 

God instructed the newlywed to “leave and cleave.” It was a pretty clear command to leave father and mother. But it was not a command to lose relationship in the process. More so, it was a command to switch one’s loyalty from their parents to their spouse. 

Have you “left” your parents? And, what boundaries have you set in place? Here are some boundaries that my wife and I agreed to early in our marriage. 

  • We would never mention the “D” word–divorce.
  • We would not return to our parent’s home and leave or separate from our spouse.
  • We would not maintain a dependency upon our parents in anyway, i.e., financially or emotionally.
  • We would never speak disrespectfully about our spouse to our parents.
  • We would not allow our parents or extended family to speak negatively about our spouse. 
  • We would not share our spouses weaknesses with anyone unless we empower that person to help us with that weakness.
  • We would establish our own traditions and traditional visits to family.
  • We would not expect any kind of inheritance from our families.
  • We would not borrow money from our parents unless our parents approached us, we agreed with them and agreed to the terms and conditions.
  • We would not allow the influence of a parent to outweigh the influence of our spouse.
  • We would always honor our parents, but our first loyalty would be to one another.
  • We would always maintain a spirit of respect toward our parents even if we disagreed with them.
  • We would listen to their counsel and apply it as we agreed together to do.
  • We would care for them together as they aged.

There could certainly be a lot more areas to agree upon, but I think you get the idea. Obviously clear, open and honest communication is necessary to maintain an attitude of honor and affirmation toward your parents while at the same time finding your way as a “leaving and cleaving” couple.

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