Author Archives: calledtogether

Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Uncategorized

Ways to Love our Spouse

For the next several blog posts I would like to take some time and share with you various ways that you can incorporate aspects of loving your spouse in your marriage or your marriage to be. Too often we simply walk through life and allow it to just pass us by, one day waking up to the fact that our marriage has become boring and predictable. Rarely is engagement boring and predictable and I believe marriage can continue to be spontaneous and fun. So, here you go…images-8

 

  1. Frequently tell each other that you still love one another
  2. Pray together and lead family devotions together
  3. Do some things spontaneously and zany
  4. Share household chores and get them done sooner
  5. Set a regular date night
  6. Do the “fix-it” jobs around the house, not letting them pile up
  7. Greet each other with a smile and a kiss several times a day
  8. Provide a lingering hug often
  9. Hold hands often, e.g., in the car, under the table, at churchimages-5
  10. Listen to one another without counseling one another
  11. Sit close as often as you can
  12. Rub one another’s back
  13. Take time to look good for one another and wear each other’s favorite cologne or perfume
  14. Write love notes often – send text messages and email to one another
  15. Thank one another for the mundane household tasks accomplished daily
  16. Surprise one another by serving each other in some special way
  17. Always talk about one another favorably in public and to your children
  18. Brag about one another among friends and acquaintances, letting them know how proud you are of him/her
  19. Attend fellowship together and have a church family to challenge your marriage and family
  20. Maintain your own spiritual walk with God
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Leadership, Small Groups, Training, Uncategorized

It’s a Good Time for the Plane to Break

It always intrigues me how people respond when they hear their flight is being delayed or canceled due to needed maintenance. First there is this huge sigh, then a buzz of talking (mostly to complete strangers about how badly run this particular airline is) and then they head for the gate agent to release their tension and anger. At that point, I really feel bad for the agent who has to take the customers’ entire wrath. My question of relief is, “Do you want the plane to break in the air or on the ground?” Yes, it’s inconvenient, time-consuming, and a huge bother but when that plane gets in the air I want it to stay there. There is actually very little you can do to change the situation, so…what are you telling yourself?images-4

Self-talk is constant, even while we sleep. But, what may not be constant is listening to our self-talk. Stop right now and ask yourself, “What am I thinking at this very moment even as I read this blog?” What we are telling ourselves (our self-talk) is what we will eventually react to. If we tell ourselves that a broken down plane, being late and missing our connection is anxiety producing it will be. But, if we tell ourselves it’s an opportunity to grab a bite to eat, it may even come as a relief. Listening is an acquired skill. People pay people $150.00 per hour to be listened to and quite often feel better. Why? Someone is listening in order to understand them. If you’ll take the time to listen to your self-talk, you’ll discover a lot about yourself. You’ll discover both lies and truths, the latter leading to right action and the other leading to wrong (re)actions. In the future, when a “plane” breaks in your life, stop and listen to your self-talk, you may discover something you didn’t know about yourself.

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Uncategorized

Why Forgiveness is so Important

ImageCorrie Ten Boom, arrested and placed in Ravensbruck concentration camp for concealing Jews in their home once said, “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” Oscar Wilde said, “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” I’m pretty sure that forgiving someone is not the best way to annoy them, but I get the point. From the cross Jesus said, “Father forgive them…” Were those words spoken as an act of His will in order to annoy His enemies? I do not know who first said it, but I remember reading a statement that went something like the following: forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me. Now that seems like more of a daily reality to me.   Truthfully, Jesus gave up His “right” as the Son of God to pour Himself out on the cross for our forgiveness.

 Author Louis Smedes wrote that to forgive is to set a prisoner free only to discover that the prisoner was you. When we do not forgive we are actually crying out to God for our own retribution and yet there was a spoken condition for you and me when it came to our own forgiveness. In Matthew 6 Jesus said to forgive others and your Father will forgive you. Today, we are not throwing a stone, that’s an Old Testament concept, however; He is saying that there’s a condition with our own forgiveness – we must forgive those who wound us. Certainly easier said than done, but God will give us the grace to do so and even to humble ourselves and initiate the process. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Col. 3:13)

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Encouragement, Leadership, Prayer

Sitting by the Lake: The Value of Rest

Internally, we know that a church, a ministry, a business cannot be built on one person or personality alone. In 1991, after surveying 1,000 pastors, the Fuller Institute of Church Growth reported the following:

–       50% felt unable to meet the demands of the job, and 84% felt that their training was inadequate

–       70% reported working more than 60 hours per week, and 45% did not take a regular day off

–       53% averaged five to six hours of sleep each night

–       85% spent two or less evenings home per week, yet 73% stated that they had no close intimate relationships beyond their spouse

–       80% believe that ministry negatively affects their family

–       40% reported serious conflict with a parishioner monthly

–       37% confessed an inappropriate sexual behavior with someone in the church

–       50% admitted they had considered leaving the ministry in the last 30 months

ImageWhile those stats seem alarming, Jesus has a prescription for the weary, the burdened. He said, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…and you will find rest for your souls.” (Mt 11:28, 29) Jesus did take time away, time off for reflection, for refocus and for rest. In Matthew thirteen, verse one we are told that He left the house he was staying in and “sat by the lake”. Jesus, not unlike you and me, knew the value and the refreshment of sitting by a body of water. Later in the next chapter, He withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place (V. 13) and again by the end of this same chapter He dismissed His disciples and went up on a mountainside by Himself to pray. When Jesus and His disciples were worn out from ministering He said, “…Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” (Mark 31b) I love that the Son of God was an example to us in the area of rest and spending time with His Father. Where is your “lake” and in what ways are you resting?

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Training

Have You Spoken a Blessing Lately?

I have been reminded recently of the words of blessing that we can speak and receive.  Reading the Old Testament books of Genesis and Exodus lately has been that reminder.  The blessing of God to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and the blessing of fathers to their children were so present in these two books.  It caused me to think about the fact that “the blessing” might be somewhat missing, dormant or at the least decreased among us as believers today.  The fact that we have been blessed from the many saints before us to the blessings that we can speak into the future is evident in the chapters of these two books.  When God speaks a blessing He does not revoke it with a…”whoops, wrong one.”  When Jacob showed up after hunting his game and desired his father’s blessing it had already been deceitfully stolen and Jacob asked, “Do you have only one blessing, my father?” Because of Joseph, the Egyptian’s were blessed.  Even Potiphar realized blessing from the life of Joseph.  The scripture says, “The blessing of the Lord was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field.”  In the book of Exodus, a blessing was pronounced on your food and water and freedom from sickness if you will bless the Lord in your worship.  That’s pretty powerful.  After all the many plagues, when Pharaoh finally summoned Moses and Aaron in order to give in and let the Israelites leave Egypt he said, “Take your flocks and herds, as you have said, and go. And also bless me.”  (Ex 12:32) After all the issues with this leader, he has the audacity to ask Moses for a blessing.  Even the resistant and ungodly knew the power of the blessing from the righteous.images

You are a blessing to your family, your local church ministry, your work place and your neighborhood.  You can bless or curse with your words and it will stick.  In obedience to the Lord, we bless and receive blessing. (Dt. 11:26)  You can bless your natural and your spiritual children today.  You can bless others in prayer – praying a blessing forward.  Because you are blessed, when you show up a blessing is present to those around you.  When you lack confidence, know you have been blessed.  When you are feeling insecure or fearful, remind yourself of the blessing of God to you as a son or daughter of God.  When someone curses you or speaks negative about you, return a blessing to them.  Bless those who curse you…  (Luke 6:28)  Our Father loves to bless and so should we as His children.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Small Groups

You’re not Losing Your Hair, Your Head is Growing Bigger

A friend of mine recently told me that after asking his physician about his hair loss problem the doctor responded with, “You’re not losing your hair, you’re gaining weight and your head is bigger.”   My friend’s response was to laugh, but if that were me, I would have been upset with the doctor for putting it so, well…bluntly. I wondered about myself, do I want the truth or do I desire a sugar-coated, let-me-down-easy and convenient near truth? Perhaps a combination of the two would be preferable – you know, a speaking close to the truth in love, because you LOVE me.images

Someone else recently shared with me they are “telling it like it is” and that sometimes “the truth hurts.” My response was, “Yea, right, unless it’s you on the receiving end of that not so objective ‘truth.’ ” God bless you for desiring to be truthful, but are you capable of handling it when it comes your way? For me, when that truth comes, all too often, I am thinking of my defensive response rather than listening intently. I am then coming up with why this person is wrong in my mind or making a personal judgment of them in order to cancel out what they are saying. Still, at other times, my rebuttal is to sight all the times of operating in just the opposite way of what they are critiquing. Honestly, when you’re thinking about your response you stop listening.

 If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept criticism, you will be honored. If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. Valid criticism is as treasured by the one who heeds it… In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery. (Proverbs 13:18; 15;31 25;12; 28;23 NLT)

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Marriage, Postmarital

Ways in which Wives Hurt their Husbands

nagging-wife-screamingRecently I sat with a husband and wife who are in a long-term marriage. I couldn’t help but notice how he constantly looked to her for her nonverbal approval as he spoke or how nervous he was to say things that he thought his wife may take issue with. It was painfully obvious who was silently controlling the conversation and perhaps even controlling the marriage. Last week we talked about ways a man hurts his wife. Far too often we miss speaking of the ways in which a wife may be hurting her husband. The following are some observations for the ladies and a reminder of ways to affirm that man of God in your life.

She fails to thank him for the small and the large things he does daily.

She forgets to affirm him as a man, showing him respect.

She takes his love for granted.

She fails to enter into his world and do some things with him that he would really enjoy.

She puts off the sexual needs of her husband for her own convenience.

She corrects him publicly.

She fails to pray for and with him consistently.

She tries to be his coach or mother rather than his teammate, at times forfeiting his leadership in the home.

She puts him down in front of the children.

She forgets to touch him, hold his hand and be affectionate.

She forgets to ask him how he is really doing.

She fails to tell him how handsome he is to her and why she is attracted to him.

She forgets to say, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”

She holds on to a hurt in order to make him “pay.”

She controls most conversation or interrupts him when he stumbles with his thoughts or his response.

… And the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:33b)

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Ways in which Husbands Hurt Their Wives

IMG_0605Driving home from my office one winter day I heard the question, “When is the last time you thanked your wife for doing the laundry?” I couldn’t remember. There are those many mundane jobs that we as husband and wife accomplish on a daily basis and simply forget to be appreciative of one another’s servant heart. We each need that voice of affirmation from our spouse routinely. While it’s nice to receive a complement from a stranger, it’s far more significant to have your spouse speak or act in a way that simply blesses us. The following are examples of some of the failures that we make as husbands when we all too often take our wives for granted. See if you can identify with any of them and/or perhaps add to the list.  (The picture in this blog is Harold and Betty, my in-laws who are age 93 and 92, married for 74 years still loving Jesus and one another.)

 

 

He fails to thank his wife for all the daily mundane duties she accomplishes in the home without complaint.

He forgets to tell her how amazing and beautiful she really is to him.

He speaks more negative words than he does positive, encouraging and affirming words.

He fails to initiate praying for her and with her.

He puts her down publicly.

He doesn’t hold her hand or be affectionate with her outside times of intimacy.

He often fails to take the time to just listen to her.

He forgets to date her or date nights are too infrequent.

He puts off regular maintenance around the home or fails to help her with inside duties.

He complains about her spending rather than thanking her for spending wisely.

He speaks down to her, insinuating she is clueless.

He fails to accept her as she is without suggesting improvement.

He fails to consistently remember important calendar dates throughout the year.

He does not take responsibility and apologize for his mistakes, as well as, to be forgiving when his spouse apologizes to him.

He stops trying to win her with small gifts for no reason.

…. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:28b)

 

 

 

 

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Children, Marriage

The Most Important Need of a Child

Parents spend a lifetime caring for their children, from midnight feedings and diaper changes to teaching them to drive a car. Parenting is more than a full-time job and one that never really ends. Even when your children are grown and married, parents never stop influencing or being available to help and serve. I always loved parenting, the good and the not so enjoyable seasons. We never had the “terrible twos.” We decided to have the “terrific twos.” We never expected rebellious teenage years or a time of “sowing wild oats” as some teach. Children are the natural outcome of God’s design for marriage. Watching my grandson chase bubbles or find Easter eggs now brings back a flood of fond parenting memories. To have the privilege of parenting is simply a joy and a gift from our heavenly Father.IMG_0803

Mary and I discovered the most important key in raising children and it wasn’t a new video game, bicycle, larger home, extra allowance or more stuff. We discovered along the path of child rearing the greatest need of a child. We discovered the way in which a child is most secure, happy, and well-adjusted. Was it discipline? Was it maintaining appropriate boundaries? Was it providing for them? Was it loving them? Yes, a thousand times “yes” to each and every one of these most important areas. But, even more importantly, it was when my wife and I made the time to pray for them and then taught them to pray. It was training them to look to Someone outside themselves and their parents. It was training them to depend upon the Source of life, of esteem, of security, of provision, of love and of salvation. He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. (Proverbs 14:26)

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Encouragement, Leadership, Small Groups, Training, Uncategorized

Accountability? We have no Idea

United Airlines was flying me from Chicago to Harrisburg, PA a few weeks ago when I struck up a conversation with the “kid” seated beside me. I found that he was pretty special. He can shoot a gun extremely accurately. I suppose a lot of people can do that, but this 20-year-old has been on the USA Olympic Team since he was 17. He shoots for the International Shooting Sport Federation and gets to participate in his passion all over the world. He told me, “I’m not getting rich but I sure am enjoying what I’m doing in my life right now.” He let me know that there’s only one draw back: accountability. Now that intrigued me as a leader. “Accountability, what ever do you mean?” I asked. He went on to describe accountability like I have never heard of before.

imagesHe responded, “I have to provide every detail of my life and fill out form after form electronically.” “Like what for instance?” I asked. “Well, where I am at; what I am doing; where I am going; what I am eating; my health; my practice schedule; any medication I am taking; how much I’m sleeping; basically, my whole life is an open book,” he revealed. I asked him who required such a rigorous report and he told me the international Olympic federation. “Now that’s some intrusive accountability,” I said in agreement. It caused me to think about my level of accountability to those who oversee me and to my wife. It, as well, provoked some thoughts about how accountable I am to my Lord like, “So, how accountable am I, or even better, how accountable am I willing to be?” Check out these verses from the New Living Translation:

Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable. Obey your spiritual leaders, and do what they say. Their work is to watch over your souls, and they are accountable to God. Give them reason to do this with joy and not with sorrow. That would certainly not be for your benefit. (Hebrews 4:13; 13:17)

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