Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Conflicts in Marriage and How to Resolve Them

Conflicts–we all have them. Can you recall your last conflict with your spouse or your child? 

At the core and simply stated, you desired one thing and the other party desired another. You may have wanted something good, but the goal was blocked by the disagreement. It can be a daily occurrence. 

How do you personally resolve a conflict? How did your parents resolve a conflict or perhaps they didn’t? We tend to follow in their footsteps whether we like it or not. 

First, let’s establish this: conflict in marriage is not wrong. Not resolving conflict is wrong. Conflict that brings us to a solution can be a good thing as long as we honor one another in the process. When conflict turns meanspirited or resorts to name calling and uncontrolled anger, we have crossed a line. 

Here are five steps you can take to help you bring a conflict to a resolve:

  • Understand / Discover

Understand that any two individuals will from time to time come into conflict.  Understanding means listening and not just wanting to be understood. Discover what the conflict is and then identify each person’s understanding of the problem, as well as what goals are blocked by this difference.

  • Set Aside Time; The Right Time

Set aside time to deal with the conflict. When emotions are out of control, take time to step back, calm down, think and then come back together. (The use of a key phrase that signals we will come back together within a specified period of time to deal with the problem can be advantageous, e.g., “We need a cup of coffee.”) The right time is when we are not reacting but rather responding without an inordinate amount of emotion.

  • Agreement and Staying on the Subject

Discover areas that you are in agreement as well as the areas of disagreement. Stay on the subject which represents the immediate conflict. Do not allow the conflict to wander off into other unrelated areas of disagreement.

  • Appreciate and Identify the Needs

Appreciate your spouse’s opinion and what they add to the process. When you value the ideas and feelings of your partner, you value that person. Allow for the needs of each partner to be met. When needs are met, conflict can be resolved and goals can be reached.

  • Explore the Options and Move Toward a Solution 

Explore options of resolution and move toward a solution. Prayer is a vital part of exploring the options and moving toward a solution. Take the time to not only listen to each other, but to the Lord as well.

James 4: 1 and 2 tells us that we fight and argue, trying to get what we want from each other. James then profoundly states we do not get what we want because we do not ask God. 

Your choice – fight and argue or pray and agree.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Identity, Marriage, Parents

The Primary Role of Parents

Parents do a lot of things day in and day out and are some of the busiest persons on the face of the earth. Few envy the parent of a toddler or the parent of a wayward teen. Parents give more than most humans in any relationship; it’s how we’re built. 

Could we establish one thing from the onset and a truth that bears repeating to others? God gave children to parents. He did not ask school teachers, counselors, the local church or government to parent those we give birth to. That role was given to two select persons, a mother and a father.

As mothers and fathers, we’re teachers, therapists, nurses, singers, coaches, and disciplinarians. It is a never-ending and grueling job that calls for faith, patience, energy and lots and lots of unconditional love. 

But what is the primary role of a parent? Of the necessary and endless things we teach our children and the thousands of dollars we spend to feed, cloth, educate and care for our kids, what is priority number one? 

My wife and I spent 25 years raising children and we loved it. We embraced each and every year. We determined that there were no “terrible twos” or necessary rebellious teenage years. It was our goal to raise happy, healthy, obedient kids who knew Whose they were and who they were. Everything we did with and for our children we did intentionally with God’s direction and help.

Discovering the number one area came to me after a major mistake I made in my parenting. My son wanted to watch a certain TV show that we felt was dishonoring of family, especially fathers. We told him that we would not participate in that program and why. He then told us when he would leave our home he would watch it and furthermore, he couldn’t wait to leave!

Now I knew why I wanted to leave my parents, but why on earth would he want to leave his? He had his own room. We loved him. We loved God. We loved each other. For heaven’s sake, we bought him Nike sneakers and Levi jeans!

God whispered in my ear, “I gave him to you to leave you one day. It’s not a matter of will he leave, but HOW he will leave. And, by the way, I didn’t give him to you so that you could build you in him. I gave him to you so that you could build Me in him.”

I thought I was a pretty good guy. Why wouldn’t my son want to be like me? 

Herein is the primary role when parenting your children, “He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone (our children) fully mature in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28) 

Stop building yourself in your child and start building Christ. It is our primary role as a parent. Your child can do all things through Christ, but our parenting has its limits.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day

Are You Following Your Heart? Don’t!

I am unsure where the phrase “follow your heart” came from. I have certainly used it on occasion and perhaps you have too. But should we be using that phrase with our children or our spouse or our close friends? 

Here’s my challenge from the book of Jeremiah: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” (17:9)

Yikes, the Bible actually says that? Yes, in fact it does. 

So, what are we to follow? The Holy Spirit, God’s still small voice (I Kings 19:12). Here are some additional words of advice from God’s word:

Isaiah 30:21
“And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.”

Jeremiah 33:3
“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”

Psalm 119:105
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”

Mark 4:24
“And he said to them, ‘Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you.’”

John 5:30 – From Christ.
“I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me.”

John 10:27
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.”

John 14:26
“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

I am not sure of my heart or yours, but I am totally sure of God’s heart toward you.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Marriage, Parents, Prayer

Praying for Our Children

If you are a parent, you realize you can come to the end of yourself very quickly. While parents have huge capacity levels, there is no way any parent has all the vitality, all the answers and all the correct responses for their children’s inquisitive minds and endless energy. 

My wife and I quickly realized the older our children became the more complicated parenting became. It just doesn’t get easier with age. 

However, we never believed in the “terrible twos” or the “rebellious teen years.” We simply didn’t accept that it was guaranteed we would go through those times. In fact, we decided to have the “terrific twos” and the “compliant teen years.”

Being totally honest, raising children is the most rewarding job while at the same time, the most difficult and challenging job. It is not for the faint of heart. A parent must never give up or tire of keeping the boundaries straight. Parents must remain parents at all times and not peers. 

So, what’s the secret weapon in growing happy, healthy, productive, focused and disciplined kids? Wow, that’s a million-dollar question. I do have one answer. PRAYER!

Yes, faith in Someone much more capable than you; Someone more loving and patient than you and Someone far more knowledgeable than you are a must as a parent. That’s why I wrote the Praying for Your Children prayer tract. It is filled with scriptures to pray over your children at multiple stages of their lives. 

Praying God’s word builds faith for your children. It builds your faith. God’s word has so much to say about children–as the first Parent should–and who they are becoming. And when praying the scriptures over your children, your prayers can’t miss. They will hit the target and your children will respond. 

Our adult children are still requesting prayer from us as parents, mostly for their children. Why? Because they know we prayed and we pray for them. 

Here are a few example scriptural prayers:

Even when I am old . . . do not forsake me, my God,

till I declare your power to the next generation: …………. Psalm 71:18

My children shall be mighty on the earth, wealth 

        and riches are in my house…………………………………… Psalm 112:2-3

My son shall be like a well-nurtured plant and my daughter 

        like a pillar carved to adorn a palace………………….. Psalm 144:12-13

God will give my children a heart to know Him—they will 

        return with all their heart……………………………………….. Jeremiah 24:7

There are 65 more scriptures just like these. Where can you locate this valuable prayer tract? Right here.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

The Value of Kissing

Kissing. Who knew its scientific value? Who could imagine that this form of affection actually brought comfort, security, emotional satisfaction and even released feel good endorphins?

In a Psychology Today article from 2023, key lessons were explored when it came to kissing. There were obvious, predictable and emotionally boosting improvements discovered in the relationships that prioritize kissing. 

First, what does a kiss do? It is a sensual connection within marriage that communicates affection and even deepens the relationship. Kissing reduces stress, tension and anxiety. Kissing boosts our immune systems through the trading of saliva. Kissing releases dopamine to improve one’s mood and foster more contentment. It is a non-verbal form of communication that speaks volumes, especially on the romantic side of marriage. 

The article went on to share, “A skilled kisser is more likely to be in sync with their partner’s needs…and it promotes higher levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.” Why? Because kissing is not just a physical connection but it also connects us emotionally. It is being in the moment with your mate. When we kiss, we are continuing to build a healthy relationship, an emotional charge and a physiological enhancement to our marriage. 

These are all psychological benefits that improve our overall marriage satisfaction and should never be underestimated as a powerful tool for keeping the flame burning. Regardless of how long you are married, don’t lose the art, the connection and the value of a kiss.

Kiss when you leave the house.

Kiss when you return.

Kiss when praying together.

Kiss as you retire for the evening.

Kiss in front of the children and kiss for no reason at all.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Parents, Pornography

Children and Pornography – It’s Traumatizing Effects

According to the research, most children are exposed to pornography by age 11. Many are exposed accidentally on the internet and many are exposed by coming into contact with their parents’ pornographic material. Those who are sexual predators specifically target young children via porn for the purpose of exploitation. 

A friend of mine told me he was only nine years of age when a friend shared his grandfather’s stash of porn with him found in their barn.

The Effects of Seeing Pornography as a Child

Children do not possess the emotional or cognitive capacity to assimilate pornography in any form. Children report feeling embarrassment, shock, fear, anger, overwhelming sadness and repulsion after being exposed to porn. Young children who view pornography are more likely to sexually assault their peers and siblings. 

According to the American College of Pediatrics, “Consumption of pornography is associated with many negative emotional and psychological…outcomes. These include increased rates of depression, anxiety, acting out and violent behavior…sexual promiscuity…and a distorted view of relationships between men and women. For adults, pornography addiction results in an increased likelihood of divorce which is also harmful to children.”

When my friend was around age 12 he and his friends hid pornographic magazines in their tree house. He said, “We would invite girls into our tree house so we could act out what we saw in the magazines.”

Pornography use as teenagers distorts their view of healthy sexuality and seriously affects, in multiple negative ways, personal relationships. Pornography use fosters the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal and that sexual abstinence is abnormal. Teenagers involved in pornography have difficulty forming lasting, healthy opposite sex relationships which results in higher rates of poor self-images. 

How is Pornography Harming Our Children?

Children viewing pornography are severely harming their brain development. Young, developing minds are hypersensitive to stimuli. That means children can form habits, both positive and negative, very quickly. 

A child’s view of sexuality as normative between husband and wife is ruined by pornography. Pornography presents anything but normality. For young boys, it makes girls an object. Children are taught that sexuality is all about them. It can be violent in nature and it teaches that sex should be expected in a relationship.

Pornography use creates a secretive lifestyle which promotes hiding, lying, and denial. Viewing pornography removes the child from necessary play activities. It can be sleep disruptive. It will reduce scholastic performance by stealing time from school work. 

Viewing pornography increases other unhealthy, abnormal behaviors like sexting. Children learn and grow by mimicking the behavior they see and experience. While children are naturally inclined to explore their bodies, pornography will take them far beyond any natural exploration. 

What You Can Do

  • Talk to your children about pornography. Ask lots of questions. Be persistent.
  • Place a program on your computer that aggressively withholds access to pornography. 
  • Remove data access on their smartphones.
  • Talk to your children about their peers and what they might be exposing your child to.
  • Be calm about discussing the topic and reassure your child of your love no matter what they say.
  • If your child confesses use to you, thank them for their honesty.
  • Work at not placing more shame or judgement upon them. 
  • Find resources to help you as the parent and your child. Talk to your pastor and your local church counselor. Ask for recommendations to help your child and yourself. 

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Women and Pornography

It’s easy to assume that mostly men, young and older, have issues with pornography viewing. But the truth is, more and more women and young girls are getting caught in this addiction as well. Truthfully, the battle with sexual sins affects both men and women, boys and girls.

  • United Families International reports that 1 in 3 porn viewers are women. 
  • Barna Group has revealed that 63% of men aged 18-30 view pornography several times per week while 33% of women do the same.
  • 40 million Americans claim to be regular visitors to porn sites.
  • The computer program Covenant Eyes reports that men prefer images and women prefer erotic stories and romance sites.
  • Six in ten young adults (age 18-24 males and females) seek out porn daily, weekly or monthly. (Barna)

It’s not new. In the Old Testament of the Bible, there was a woman named Gomer who was pretty well known to be unrestrained when it came to sexual misconduct. In spite of her lifestyle, the Lord instructed Hosea, her husband, to show his love to her even as the Lord loved Israel. (Hosea 3:1) 

In John chapter eight we are told the story of an adulterous woman who according to the customs of the day should have been stoned to death. Jesus, to her rescue, told those watching and waiting to throw those stones, said they could do just that…if they had no sin themselves. Every person in this biblical scene dropped their rocks because we all have sinned (Romans 3:23). Jesus did not condemn her, but did say she was to go and “sin no more” (John 8:11).

Sexual sin is not new and it can affect every one of us. But, it can also be forgiven and dealt with by our Savior because He took (endured) our shame, our sorrows and our sins on the cross (Hebrews 12:2). Therein lies our answer. Like Gomer and the adulterous woman Jesus addressed, He will convict us of our wrongdoing rather than condemning us. Conviction comes to show us or to underline our sin so we will seek forgiveness through His cross and be cleansed of our sin. 

To be honest, I believe the cultures we live in today push this lifestyle. When nothing is sacred, when God-given morals are made fun of, and when there is no example of biblically held values on our TV’s and movie entertainment, it is no wonder generation after generation becomes more and more numb to sexual erotica and sexual exposure. To the world around us, it’s simply one more form of entertainment, even sometimes referred to as educational!

This “entertainment” is destroying children, teens and marriages. Sex trafficking has now become the largest issue around the world today. Pornography use directly feeds this issue. 

Men need healing and support groups, but so do women. Yes, women are betrayed by men and husbands who are involved in pornography, but pornography use among women is growing rapidly. God designed sex, not for sin, but rather to be something sacredly held within marriage where one man is committed to one woman.

God’s design of sex carries no regrets, no diseases, and no shame with it. 

Adam and his wife both were naked, and they felt no shame (Genesis 2:25).

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Parents

The Ragman

by Walter Wangerin, Jr.

My wife and I stumbled upon this amazing story many years ago. We actually turned it into a skit with our foster children and performed it at our local church. I find it intriguing and hopeful and so appropriate for Easter. Enjoy!

I saw a strange sight. I stumbled upon a story most strange, like nothing in my life, my street sense, my sly tongue had ever prepared me for. Hush now, and I will tell it to you.

Even before the dawn one Friday morning, I noticed a young man, handsome and strong, walking the alleys of our city. He was pulling an old cart filled with clothes both bright and new, and he was calling in a clear tenor voice: “Rags!”

“Rags! New rags for old! I take your old, dirty, and tired rags! Rags!”

Now this is a wonder, I thought to myself, for the man stood six-feet-four, and his arms were like tree limbs, hard and muscular. His eyes flashed love and wonderment. Could he find no better job than this? To be a ragman in the inner city?

I followed him. My curiosity drove me. And I wasn’t disappointed. For what I was about to see was miraculous.

Soon the ragman saw a woman sitting on her back porch. She was sobbing into a handkerchief, sighing, and shedding a thousand tears. Her knees and elbows made a sad X. Her shoulders shook. Her heart was breaking.

The ragman stopped his cart. Quietly, he walked to the woman, stepping round tin cans, dead toys, and baby diapers.

“Give me your rag,” he said gently, “and I’ll give you another.”

He slipped the handkerchief from her eyes. She looked up, and he laid across her palm a linen cloth so clean and new that it shined. She blinked from the gift to the giver.

Then, as he began to pull his cart again, the ragman did a strange thing: he put her stained handkerchief to his own face and he began to weep, to sob as grievously as she had done. His shoulders were shaking vigorously. Yet she was left without a tear.

This is a wonder, I breathed to myself, and I followed the sobbing ragman like a child who cannot turn away from a mystery.

‘Rags! Rags! New rags for old!”

In a little while, when the sky showed grey behind the rooftops and I could see the shredded curtains hanging out black windows, the ragman came upon a girl whose head was wrapped in a bandage, whose eyes were empty. Blood soaked her bandage. A single line of blood ran down her cheek.

Now the ragman full of compassion looked upon this child with pity, as he drew a lovely yellow bonnet from his cart.

“Give me your rag,” he said, tracing his own line on her cheek, “and I’ll give you mine.”

The child could only gaze at him while he loosened the bandage, removed it, and tied it to his own head, while placing the bonnet upon her. I gasped at what I saw: for with the bandage went the wound! Against his brow it ran a darker, more substantial blood – his own!

“Rags! Rags! I take old rags!” cried the sobbing, bleeding, strong ragman.

The sun hurt both the sky now, and my eyes; the ragman seemed more and more in a hurry.

“Are you going to work?” he asked a man who leaned against a telephone pole. The man shook his head. The ragman pressed him: “Do you have a job?”

“Are you crazy?” sneered the man. He pulled away from the pole, revealing the right sleeve of his jacket – flat, the cuff stuffed into the pocket. He had no arm.

“So,” said the ragman. “Give me your jacket, and I’ll give you mine.”

The one-armed man took off his jacket as did the ragman. I trembled at what I was now seeing: the ragman’s arm stayed in its sleeve, and when the other put the ragman’s jacket on, he now had two good arms, thick as tree limbs.

“Go to work,” said the now one-armed ragman.

Stumbling upon a drunk, the ragman found lying unconscious beneath an army blanket an old man hunched in a fetal position. He took that blanket and wrapped it round himself, but for the drunk he left new clothes.

And now I had to run to keep up with the ragman. Though he was weeping uncontrollably, and bleeding freely at the forehead, pulling his cart with one arm, stumbling for drunkenness, falling again and again, exhausted, looking older, and sick, yet he moved with a steady pace. He eventually came to the city limits, and then he rushed beyond.

I wept to see the change in this man. I hurt to see his sorrow. And yet I needed to see where he was going in such haste, perhaps to know what drove him onward.

The ragman came to a landfill; the garbage pits. I wanted to help him in what he was attempting to do but I hung back, hiding. He climbed a hill. With tormented labor he cleared a little space on that hill. Then, he layed down and pillowed his head on a handkerchief and a jacket. He covered his bones with an army blanket and then he died.

How I cried to witness that death! I slumped over and wailed as one who has no hope. I had come to admire the ragman. I sobbed myself to sleep.

I did not know, how could I know? I slept through Friday night and Saturday night too.

But then, on Sunday morning, I was wakened by a violently supernatural bright light.

Light – pure, bright, demanding light slammed against my face. I blinked and I looked and I saw the ragman, folding his blanket most carefully, a scar on his forehead, but alive! There was no sign of sorrow or age and all the rags he had gathered shined, cleansed and bright.

I walked up to the ragman. I told him my name. I felt compeled to remove my clothes. I said to him with longing in my voice: “Dress me.”

He dressed me. My Lord, he put new rags on me, and I am a wonder beside him. The ragman, the ragman, the Christ!

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Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Leave and Cleave; Have You Left Your Parents?

I distinctly remember when each of our children left their family home for good. It is never a matter of will they leave, but rather a matter of when and how they will leave. Be assured, they will one day leave and the test of all that you taught them will begin. 

God instructed the newlywed to “leave and cleave.” It was a pretty clear command to leave father and mother. But it was not a command to lose relationship in the process. More so, it was a command to switch one’s loyalty from their parents to their spouse. 

Have you “left” your parents? And, what boundaries have you set in place? Here are some boundaries that my wife and I agreed to early in our marriage. 

  • We would never mention the “D” word–divorce.
  • We would not return to our parent’s home and leave or separate from our spouse.
  • We would not maintain a dependency upon our parents in anyway, i.e., financially or emotionally.
  • We would never speak disrespectfully about our spouse to our parents.
  • We would not allow our parents or extended family to speak negatively about our spouse. 
  • We would not share our spouses weaknesses with anyone unless we empower that person to help us with that weakness.
  • We would establish our own traditions and traditional visits to family.
  • We would not expect any kind of inheritance from our families.
  • We would not borrow money from our parents unless our parents approached us, we agreed with them and agreed to the terms and conditions.
  • We would not allow the influence of a parent to outweigh the influence of our spouse.
  • We would always honor our parents, but our first loyalty would be to one another.
  • We would always maintain a spirit of respect toward our parents even if we disagreed with them.
  • We would listen to their counsel and apply it as we agreed together to do.
  • We would care for them together as they aged.

There could certainly be a lot more areas to agree upon, but I think you get the idea. Obviously clear, open and honest communication is necessary to maintain an attitude of honor and affirmation toward your parents while at the same time finding your way as a “leaving and cleaving” couple.

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Challenge, Children, History, Issues of the Day, Parents

Family Relationships vs. Activity

Growing up in the 1960’s seemed like such a slower pace than we endure these days. As kids, we had long summer days at the creek, riding our bikes for miles on lonely country roads or creating forts in the woods behind our house. 

Sometimes we’d get the neighborhood kids together and play football, baseball or go sledding down numerous hills we could claim within walking distance from home.

Entertainment was a handheld AM transistor radio playing the latest tunes or a few black and white TV programs in the evening. We went to bed early after convincing Mom we had a bath two nights ago and didn’t need one that night. 

We caught fireflies in the summer and made campfires in the winter or anxiously waited for the creek to freeze so we could ice skate or play hockey. Ice hockey was preferred using the perfect dogged leg stick and a smashed tin can as a puck. 

We constantly used our imagination. Was there boredom? Yes, but that gave time for whittling a new slingshot, repairing a bike or accomplishing our chores. Oh yeah, chores. We had jobs to do and that often came before school work. 

There were expectations in those days. Families ate together, sat on the front porch together watching the cars go by and swatted flies. The adults read the newspaper and the kids read the funnies. Families talked about life, cousins or uncles in the military, house rules, right and wrong. There was talking, listening, and once in a while, laughter. Even the TV shows of the day were a picture of the same. 

The pace of life today is not the same. Families are going from activity to activity. Kids are having to wolf down Happy Meals or “value meals” over and over in order to make it to the next practice on time. We’re all too often missing the conversations around the dinner table and time together on the deck just talking and laughing. This fast paced life is valuing activity over relationship and it’s hurting family life. 

Will our children look back at their childhood and see mostly activity or remember relationship building as a family value? 

We live in a diffferent world today, but work hard at giving your children something to remember: RELATIONSHIP.

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