Number 7: Playing Together

What is your favorite fun thing to do together as a couple?  When is the last time you participated in that area of fun?  Couples know how to do fun when dating, e.g., laughing together, growing in friendship and relating at that relaxed level of comfort over a milkshake or a latte.  What happens after we say “I do?”  All too often we allow fun to take a back seat to the more “serious” issues in the relationship.  Proverbs tells us that laughter is like a medicine (Proverbs 17:22).  Laughter has within it medicinal purposes and it’s given to us as a gift of God.  If there was an instrument called the “fun-o-meter” and the number 10 was fun at its best, exactly where would your relationship find itself today?

Have you been able to slow down enough to simply take a walk and hold hands, perhaps taking a few moments to pray and converse?  Matthew 13, verse one, states, “That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake.”  When is the last time you left your house (your responsibilities) and sat by the lake with your lover?  Vacations are great moments for fun connections, but vacations come once or twice a year.  Take a moment to think of some of the things you once did and the things that you would like to do that are fun for you as a couple.  Purpose in your heart to schedule times of fun together and you will find a wonderful connection that lacks criticism and promotes healthy, life-building, laughter-filled relationship.

It had been a particularly challenging week for me and it was a Friday morning when this text vibrated its way into my pocket, “Thanks for being such a focused and hardworking man…not a lazy bone in you…that is one thing I love about you.”  For the remainder of the day, my step was lighter and a revised sense of conquering all of life’s problems returned.  Those words cut directly to and deeply touched my manhood.  Seeing these words written by the most important person on earth to me renewed confidence in our relationship because the woman I love believes in me.  Words of affirmation empower me and all other men to also believe in themselves.

Where does your life mate seek affirmation, because he will seek it from somewhere?  Is he good at sports, the computer, hunting, carpentry or cooking?  How he feels about these things is directly tied into the affirmation he receives.  If you as his wife are not affirming him, then he will find the places where he does receive it, even if it means spending extra time at work.  Men love to hear “good job” and “well done.”  They love the words, “No one does it like you,” (no matter what it is).  But, when his wife affirms him for the room he just renovated in front of his children, his parents or his friends – that’s over the top for him.  Ladies, don’t send your men looking elsewhere for affirmation.  Begin by making a list of the areas that you can affirm him in and start a positive habit today with a text message of affirmation.  I guarantee you, you’ll make his day and he will not erase that message.

Did you know that your man is “hardwired” by God with the need to receive respect from his life mate?  There is mention of it in the Scripture, but check out the following:  Shaunti Feldhahn wrote the book, For Women Only, and relates the fact that men would rather feel unloved than disrespected.  In a survey she quotes, 74% of men would rather, “…be alone and unloved than feel inadequate and be disrespected.”  So, it goes something like this: if a man feels disrespected, he is most likely going to also feel unloved.  Men long for a father’s respect and seek the respect of their children, along with their employer, but the need for respect from their wife trumps them all.  Ladies, have you ever noticed how numerous persons can compliment your man, but then he turns to you and asks how you feel he did?  He needs your affirming words of respect as his icing on top of the cake and values it far more than any other opinion.

What’s the hesitation?  I’ve heard many women say something like this, “When he does something worthy of respect, I will give it to him.”  Even though he is created in the image of God, loved by God and already approved of by Him, you feel he must earn it from you?  If you could forget about the disappointments you have felt and the offenses that have come your way through him, could you take a step of faith and find ways to express respect?  The two of you are one and as you show respect (deserved or not), you will reap the benefits.  It may not be immediate and you may receive a quizzical look or two, but the male soul will respond.  You have a choice to be your husband’s critic or his greatest fan.  (See: Ephesians 5:33; I Timothy 3:4; I Peter 2:17 in the NLT Bible.)

My children were beautiful, big and perfect when they were born, but they soon began crying for every little thing.  They were amazing to watch while they were sleeping, so peaceful, but often awoke in the middle of the night demanding to be fed or needing a diaper change or just some loving attention.  As a young parent, I didn’t know how to prepare for their second and third year of life when I thought their job description was to cause parental mental disorder.  Starting school was happy and sad as I watched them carry their first backpacks.  A whole new world of problems surfaced with selfish desires, comparisons, insecurities and inadequacies.  The questions were endless and the needs for more clothes, soccer equipment, extra money for this and that were insatiable.  Middle school and music, friends and styles and first loves were more than one could possibly plan or prepare for.  If all that wasn’t enough, high school came with the battle of the wills, the “why not, everyone else is!” statements,  raised voices, driving lessons, more raised voices, attitudes, incompatibility,  that awful “whatever” word, first jobs, more clothes, more money and more demands.

And, you know what?  Never once did I want to divorce or even separate from my children.  They were my children and I loved them no matter what.  Most days I was extremely proud and some days emotionally spent and discouraged.  There was no plan B, we would make it as a family and I (we)  would raise our children to the best of my (our) ability.  I would do my best to be patient, respond correctly, teach, pray for and with, correct, protect and direct.  Divorce?  Not an option.  I would see them through college and walk them down the aisle.  I would believe in their financial skills even after a terrible mistake.  I would give my life for them.  There was no parenting manual; some issues never resolved; there was always some growing up to do.  There was no calling it quits, never would I lose hope and stop believing for the best.  They were mine and I was responsible, until death do us part.

Someone once said that a man in love is incomplete until he has married; then he’s finished.  I’m not sure that’s true, but I do know marriage can bring the best or the worst out of us.  Author Gary Thomas says that perhaps the reason God created marriage was to make us more like Him, a kind of iron sharpening iron thing.  He poses the question, “What if marriage is to make us more holy rather than happy?”  Fair question, I’m thinking.  I ‘m pretty sure that after 38 years I am holier and happier due to the woman of God I am committed to.  Truthfully, I know people like my wife more than me and I understand why.  Before you go on feeling all sorry for me, you should know that I agree with them.  I try to be nice, but she’s just nicer.  I try to be giving, but she forever out-gives me.  She’s older than me (At this point, she would require me to add, “By seven months.”), but looks younger than me.  She’s always been more polite and truly more forgiving of people.  I can write people off more easily and be less patient.  I could go on…

Marriage is not man’s idea.  Most religions of the world and cultures marry.  Marriage predates Christianity by a few years; it’s a creation act of God.  God created a man, Adam.  Adam found no partner among the animal kingdom, not even the ape – too hairy and those arms hanging down to the ground, yikes!  He then “fashioned” Eve from Adam’s side, she was not made from the dirt, but from a rib.  When Adam woke up from anesthesia, the scriptures say that Eve, the first woman, was brought to the first man, naked and unashamed.  Adam’s first words were, “This is definitely not one of those weird, scaly, hairy and smelly animals.  This is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones…wo-man!”  (My paraphrase)  After this initial wide-eyed excitement, Adam and Eve began to discover differences in thought, word and deed.

I can only imagine those first questions: “Eve, why does it take you so long to get ready to go to the garden, make-up will not even be invented for thousands of years?”  Or, “Adam, seriously, do you have to make those noises at the dinner table as well?”  Maybe I agree with Gary Thomas, marriage is bound to help make us more holy, but let’s have fun and be happy along the way.