Category Archives: Encouragement

Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day

You are Uniquely You

A Thirty Day Devotional adapted from the NEW book: Identity: The Distinctiveness of You – Day 24

I have been blessed with every spiritual blessing. Ephesians 1:3

I am the temple of the Holy Spirit. I Corinthians 6:19

Every decision we make is made through our past experiences, our present desires and thoughts or our future wants or needs.  God has created us with the capacity to think within all three of these realms or dimensions.  The memory capacity of our brains is simply amazing, as it provides for us the knowledge needed from past experience for decision making today.

Just imagine if we lacked memory.  We would not know how to drive home from work today.  We would not know or be able to identify our spouse in the morning when we wake up.  We would have to start each new day reading a memory log from the day before: who we are, where we live, where we work or go to school.  Life would function so differently.  We can conclude memory is not only necessary for life, it provides so much wonderful meaning to life.

The Bible says what we sow, we reap (See Galatians 6:7, 8.).  What I sow today, determines the return I will have on that seed tomorrow.  If I desire a certain crop in the future, then I have to sow that seed today.  Not one farmer expects to reap where they have not sown, but every farmer fully expects to reap where they have sown.  You may expect to be a millionaire one day in the future, but if you do nothing and place no effort toward that goal today, you will never see it.  It is easy to then become deceived into thinking you’ll win the lottery or inherit that million, but without earning it.  The scriptures describe this type of gain as ill-gotten treasure.  (Proverbs 10: 2)

Do you want to live in health in your latter years?  Take measures today to exercise and eat healthy because when reaching tomorrow, today will be the past.  Do you desire to be free of pain from your past?  Then do something about it today and forgive those who have hurt you and bless those who have cursed you.  

Unfortunately, I experienced a lot of cavities as a child.  My family did not use toothpaste with fluoride in it.  Fluoride wasn’t even marketed in those days.  My trips to the dentist were fear-filled and excruciating.  Today, I pay the price of dealing with crowns to save my teeth.  My past dental care affects my present oral condition and will continue to affect my future.  

You just cannot separate these three: the past, the present and the future.  But you can start making decisions in alignment with God’s word and His direction for your life.  A better decision today means a better outcome tomorrow.  A destructive decision today means certain pain in our future.

For example, are you a worrier?  I mean, does your mind immediately go to the exercise of worry when an unknown is surfacing?  Or, is your response to a present worrisome issue one of going to your heavenly Father in prayer and trust?  One response is trusting and relying upon yourself and your capacity to worry (needing to solve the issue yourself) and the other is trusting God and His capacity to intervene both in the here-and-now and the future.  Philippians 4: 6,7 reminds us to not be anxious and if we’ll petition God along with giving thanks, the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds.  Peace does not follow worry; it follows prayer and trusting God, literally giving our worry to God.  (See Psalm 37: 1-8.)

Question for reflection:

If you find yourself to be a worrier, how does your worry affect your present-day life?

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Encouragement, Healing, History, Issues of the Day, Just for fun

Tide, It Gets the Dirt Out…But Not All of It

I recently read an article about the very first laundry detergent. It was Procter and Gamble’s desire to create a product that would not leave soap scum in the clothes being washed. Soap prior to the 1930’s left behind dirt, fats and oils in the clothing. These residues would not dissolve in water. 

It would take P&G scientists and chemists ten years to develop a formula that could actually “grab” the dirt and leave clothes clean without soap residue left in the fabric. This revolutionary product was named Tide. 

Tide is now an international name. In 2018 Americans bought $1.7 billion worth of the laundry product now offered in multiple forms. It is simply the most trusted laundry detergent brand. 

There is a hymn we used to sing back in the day and I for one loved it. The first verse was:

What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Tide might get the dirt out of your clothing but it won’t touch your soul. There is only one product that can do that: the blood shed by Jesus on the cross. Easter 2024 has come and gone, but the celebration of a soul cleansing, a heart washing and a mind renewing begins at the cross.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Training

Leadership Fatigue and Burnout

I can recall an important part of a message that I heard many years ago. I remember one small but impacting statement the speaker made. It went like this: “If the evil one cannot move you away from God, he’ll push you into God!”

What does that mean? 

It means he is relentless at letting you know you’re not doing enough, not praying enough, not studying the Bible enough, and not testifying enough. If he can push you to believe these lies, he can discourage you and cause you to think you simply are not enough. 

The end result is spiritual exhaustion, physical depletion and emotional discouragement. And that can affect your work, your ministry, your marriage and your family. In the last decade over 29,000 evangelical pastors have left the pastorate. Lifeway Research has noted that 71% of churches have no plan for sabbaticals; 66% lack a support group for the pastor’s family and 33% do not have a list of counselors for referrals. 

Leaders burn out, fail and fall. Our leaders are sheep as well and we all need shepherds in our life. 

That’s where sabbaticals come in. It’s not a new idea, just one that is rarely utilized. In the Monterey Herald newspaper article “Beating Burnout,” writer Cindy Kirschner Goodman reports, “Among the Fortune 100 Best Places to Work, 22 companies boast of offering a fully paid sabbatical.” She writes, “These companies find if they don’t do something, their workers will burn out and leave, or even worse burn out and stay.”

A sabbatical is preventative medicine. It is some of the best preventative medicine/maintenance a company or a ministry can initiate for their long-term, full-time workers. 

So, how is it done? I believe in and have written about a four-phase approach:

  1. Disengage and Rest – Disengage from life as normal and then engage in what will provide rest to you physically, mentally and spiritually.
  2. Retooling and Refocusing – After rest, one is often ready for some input into their life that promotes personal growth and health.
  3. Regeneration or Renewal – This is the evaluation phase and then the vision stage; assessing the past and looking toward the future. 
  4. Resolution – This phase is a firm or unwavering determination toward a solved problem or solution toward healthy boundaries to sustain a balanced lifestyle. It is a written plan for your future so you do not return to life as “usual,” but rather implementing the changes that are necessary.

You can catch an in-depth look at sabbaticals in this book. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Intimacy Anorexia

It’s not my term. Author and speaker Dr. Doug Weiss coined the term and states it’s why some people “actively withhold emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy” from their partner. He writes that some of those issues can be identified as:

  • Keeping themselves busy with child care, household tasks, technology or work. Too busy for you, but not others.
  • Blaming you [or others] for the loss of intimacy rather than exploring potential patterns in their own behavior.
  • Withholding love, especially in the way you desire to receive it.
  • They stop complementing you.
  • Have little to no interest in sex.
  • Show little interest in connecting on a spiritual level.
  • Avoid talking about their feelings and not connecting on an emotional level.
  • Treat you more like a roommate and not a romantic partner.
  • Have money control issues or desire to control the money.
  • Have anger outbursts, ignore you or give you the silent treatment.

Wiess states it doesn’t take all these issues, maybe just five of them to experience sexual anorexia. He believes many persons who survive some form of sexual abuse will respond in this way to their marriage partners. 

Further, these relationships can be full of frequent criticism, including criticism of things one cannot change. 

Persons who exhibit these types of behaviors have more than likely experienced something traumatic in their growing up years. In their adult world, however, they are attempting to avoid the pain of their misguided view by avoiding intimacy. 

Intimacy requires trust in a relationship. It requires vulnerability. It requires safety and, of course, that all important ingredient: love.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage brings glory to God.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage draws marriages closer to God and one another.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage is always centered on your spouse.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage promotes deeper love, commitment and pleasure.

If you find yourself battling with any of the above descriptions of intimacy anorexia, please see a counselor who is familiar with the subject.  

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Children, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Singles

DINK’S – Have you Heard About Them?

It’s our culture’s latest attempt at trying to minimize what has historically been the norm when it comes to marriage. With couples marrying older and having fewer children, DINK’S have now become a thing.

What is a D.I.N.K? It’s an acronym: Double Income No Children.

Yep, more and more couples are opting for “wealth” and “freedom” over bearing and raising children. Is it selfishly motivated? Maybe. 

(Note: This is not a blog for those who long for children and who have been unable to conceive or where there are physical complications. For you, we grieve.) 

It sounds nice, even inviting to have more financial resources to travel, to buy nice things, to have money left over at the end of the month and to max out that 401K. But, what are they missing?

DINKS are missing out on a monumental part of life – bearing and raising children. The joy of children; the parental self-maturing of raising children; the personal pain and emotional ups and downs of child raising. Perhaps in your 30’s you’ll never miss out on children, but when you’re in your 50’s, I guarantee you it will be a different story. 

How will you look back on your life without the legacy of raising kids to adults? Further, you’ll never know or experience grandparenting.

Finally, what happens when you come to the end of your life? Who will be there? Where will all of the “stuff” you’ve collected go? Who will care for you and visit you if you need to be in a retirement home, while all of your friends and extended family are themselves passing? 

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” (Psalm 127:3)

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Challenge, Encouragement, History, Leadership, Training

Who Are the Eight?

When a Hebrew person wanted to declare or express an intimate response to someone they would often repeat their name twice. It was an endearment or expression of closeness.

Most of us remember Jesus saying to his friend Martha, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset over many things, but only one thing is needed.” (Luke 10:41) Mary was worshipful while Martha was busy. One was over-occupied while one was overcome with His presence. Martha was frustrated while Mary was being refreshed.

Why? Many things are needful and necessary, but it was a Person who was loving and being loved that Martha was missing out on. 

Abraham takes his son up the mountain for a sacrifice. He builds an altar, places the wood on it, ties up his son, Isaac, and lays him on the altar. He raised his knife and from heaven he hears, “Abraham! Abraham!” (Genesis 22:9-12) God stops him dead in his tracks and Abraham’s obedience is proven. 

Further in the book of Genesis, we have another example of God getting someone’s attention. Jacob is spoken to by God in the night. “Jacob! Jacob!” Jacob replies, “Here I am.” (Genesis 46:2) God reassured him to not be afraid to go to Egypt because He said, “…I will make you into a great nation there.”

Moses sees a burning bush. He moves closer to take another look at why it wasn’t being consumed. He then hears “from within the bush, Moses! Moses!” (Exodus 3:4) God calls Moses to bring His people out of Egypt and the slavery they find themselves in. 

On to I Samuel chapter three. There is a young boy asleep in the tabernacle of God who awakes hearing a voice. It was a voice he didn’t recognize. Eli the priest realized it was the voice of God calling Samuel and he told him to go back and lie down on his bed. Eli instructed him that when he hears the voice again say, “Speak, for your servant is listening.” Verse ten records God’s final call to Samuel, “The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, ‘Samuel! Samuel!’”

It was the Last Supper and the disciples were disputing who among them was considered the greatest. Jesus singles out Peter to tell him that he will deny his Savior. Jesus looks straight at him and says, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.” (Luke 22:31-32)

God was after a really zealous character, one who was unashamedly persecuting “the Way,” the believers in Christ. Saul is on the road to the town of Damascus when all of a sudden there is a light from heaven that flashes like gunpowder when lit. Saul falls to the ground and hears these words, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” (Acts 9:4) Saul becomes Paul, a selected apostle to carry the Name to the Gentiles. 

And finally, there is one of the most excruciating times a name was called out twice. Jesus, on the cross bruised, beaten, His flesh torn open and bleeding profusely experiences His darkest hour. In a lamentable, desperate and abandoned state He cries out, “My God. My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) 

As I look back over these names and specific situations, it is interesting to point out that in some of the situations the person hearing their name twice did not know the One who was calling them, but it certainly seems that God knew them. 

If you hear the Lord call your name twice, LISTEN UP!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Marriage Disappointment

Marriage is never 100% awesome and amazing. It’s hard sometimes and sometimes we say the wrong things. Sometimes we think the wrong things or do the wrong things. For everyone who is married, we are all on a learning path, a growing path. If your marriage has become critical or stale, it’s up to you to change that. If your marriage has become a disappointment in some form or fashion, perhaps you’ve veered from the path and have lost your way on the journey. 

The story is told that in his later years the legendary Babe Ruth had became overweight, slower, and struck out far more frequently. The baseball fans began to jeer him.

Apparently, the displeasure of the fans got to a small boy who leaped over the railing and ran onto the field to wrap his arms around the legs of this declining athlete. With tears plentiful in his eyes, the little boy expressed his love for the man that he knew he once was. The Babe picked the little boy up and embraced him as well. Together they walked hand in hand to the dugout. The crowd’s displeasure turned to cheers for the display of unconditional love on the field that day.

Your marital love is like that picture. Our marriage becomes “overweight” or “slower” and we “strike out” sometimes with our words and our actions or lack thereof. We fail each other occasionally. We make errors in the game of marriage and we disappoint one another. 

But regardless of how we may feel, every once in a while we need to wrap our arms around each other and express our undying love and remain faithfully on the journey of growing older together. 

                HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, In the news, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Parents

Wasting Your Life Blaming Others

I can’t begin to tell you how many people who entered my counseling office over numerous years attributed all of their life issues to another person or persons. It can always be someone else’s fault. Why? We are very good at finding others to blame.

We can blame:

  • Our parents
  • Our spouse
  • Our ex-spouse
  • Our boss
  • Our coworkers

The list could go on and on. But here is a word of counsel that you can take to the bank:

As long as we feel we can blame another for our problems, we will never know wholeness for that area of our lives.

Said another way:

When you stop blaming others, you will then begin your journey to wellness.

When we constantly and consistently blame others for our life problems, we will breed entitlement in our life. Entitlement is an immature “others owe me” mentality. And, they owe me because of what they did to me. Entitlement will breed victimhood. 

Victims do not have to change because…well, they’re victims. Victims remain victims because our culture embraces victimhood as an excuse to live with a life controlling problem. Victims will have a distorted view of reality because they suffered and need others to understand that things happened “to” them. Victimhood will breed unforgiveness. 

Unforgiveness will support us in maintaining a depressed and unthankful heart. It keeps us in the unhealthy state of “That person does not deserve my forgiveness of them.” Unforgiving people are unhappy, unthankful and unhealthy persons.

Maybe your parent was abusive and it started a vicious cycle of hurt and pain. In that case, you are an innocent victim of your parent’s abuse. You may have the option of spending your life blaming your parent(s) and I guess you’d have every right to do so, but staying in blame and not pursuing personal healing only hurts you, not them. 

Jesus was a victim of unjust persecution, as were many in the scriptures.

Jesus knew that ultimately there was a purpose in His suffering and nothing would deter Him from His goal of salvation for all. Even when suffering, Jesus did not adopt a victim mentality. 

Blaming others and walking in longterm victimhood will never allow us to see our own failures, our personal shortcomings. We’ll see the splinter in others’ eyes, but not the log in our own. It will rob us of the initiative to change.

Blaming others and becoming a victim destroys the relationships around us. You cannot dialogue with or challenge someone who is always innocent and right. They simply will not take responsibility for their wrongdoings and wrong words. By the way, this is also why “identity politics” fails so miserably. It constantly creates victims (good people) and oppressors (bad people). There is no healing in this victim-filled mentality.

To heal means you must stop blaming others for your ills and to stop expecting others to fix you or make life right for you.

We need to own our reactions to our hurts and what we tell ourselves about them. To rise above blaming others is to take on the attitude of Christ and His sufferings. Listen to what Peter wrote about suffering.

Do not repay evil with evil, or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called…But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened…[that] those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. (I Peter 3: 9,14,16)

So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. (I Peter 4:19)

God knows what you suffered at the hands of another. He suffered with you. When we turn our victim status over to Him and receive His healing, we will become victors.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, Issues of the Day, Pornography, Training

Understanding and Breaking Bad Habits

Most smokers desire not to smoke and most persons know that overeating is harming their bodies. But unhealthy habits are especially hard to stop. Why?

We all have habits, good and not so good. Taking a shower and shaving along with brushing our teeth are all healthy habits. Habits begin with routines done over and over. When we develop a routine, the brain becomes conditioned so that our actions become automatic. In other words, our brains work far less hard when a routine is established. 

Establishing good and bad habits really follow the same course. The major difference is when certain habits are pleasure-based. Enjoyable and repeated behaviors cause dopamine to be released by the brain. This feel-good chemical, dopamine, creates the craving to repeat the action. 

When we’re attempting to quit a habit, we are attempting to force our hardwired brains to do something that it’s been trained to do otherwise. Then, when you add the pleasure-giving dopamine chemical to the equation, the battle becomes even more difficult. 

Further, adding triggers to the routine cause more habit breaking problems as well. What do I mean by triggers? For example, when feeling nervous or anxious some people bite their nails. The anxiety one feels triggers the reaction of nail biting. 

When a habit like viewing pornography begins, there are often triggers from feeling rejection created, but then there is the added feel-good reward of a dopamine wash as one viewes the images. So, certain routines cause certain triggers which can cause certain rewards.

Breaking Unwanted Habits

First and foremost, know and understand why you want to break a habit. The why is important because it could be coming from conviction, from a guilty conscience, or from fear of getting caught. Second, what is the benefit of breaking the unwanted behavior? These steps are a part of deciding that this specific habit is not a good one and your personal conviction is to stop it.

Note: realize there is a difference between sin, breaking God’s commands, and a bad habit. Recognize some bad habits are not sinful. 

Third, ask yourself how you have been justifying this habit. What excuses have you been using to continue it? For example, I can eat several candy bars because I fasted a meal yesterday. Or, I can watch porn because my spouse is rejecting me. Discovering these justifiers will help you to be able to fully admit that this habit is rooted in a negative or harmful thought process.

Fourth, don’t blame others for your negative habits. You must personally take responsibility. If you regularly blame others for your porn addiction, you’ll never quit. If you blame others for your anger, your anger issues will not change. You must take ownership for your habits.

Fifth, stay away from the triggers. Remember, it was stated earlier that certain triggers, especially those which also contain reward, can cause us to act in the routine of certain bad habits. So, if there are specific persons (relationships) or places which help to promote those triggers, work at staying away from them. 

Sometimes when we connect a negative habit with who it affects, it can help us to stop. For example, if our anger has begun to cause our children to become afraid of us (anger causing fear), then we realize change needs to occur so that our children know and respond to our love.  

Sixth, enlist a faithful friend to hold you accountable. Ask someone who will not judge you but rather care enough to lend support toward change. 

Step seven can be to replace the bad habit with a good one. This is an attempt at rewiring the brain away from the unwanted behavior toward the desired behavior. 

Eight, practice self-control. The more you practice self-control, the more you exercise the brain to develop a new habit (like a muscle exercising). Both the new and the old habit are in your brain; practicing the new enlarges the self-control muscle. This is also the principle of sowing and reaping. As you sow the good habit, you will reap the good results. 

Nine, keep enlisting God’s help. Keep depending upon the Holy Spirit to protect you, to provide new ways to respond and to give you new thoughts.

Ten. Lastly, one of the best ways to put to death a negative habit is to reinforce your healing, your change and your renewed mind by helping others in that very same area!

“…Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.” (Romans 13:14) And, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord…” (Colossians 3:23) 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Prayer, Singles, Women

Your Beating Heart in 2024

Your heart beats 60 to 100 times per minute. Rarely do we take notice. 

Recently a friend found himself in the emergency room with a serious heart issue. He would need emergency surgery. After the surgery, he told me he had little to no symptoms of a serious heart anomaly. It was rather silent, but death was imminent if the condition was not addressed immediately.

You have a heartbeat. Every moment of your life is dependent upon it. If it stops, your life is over. If you exercise, your heart beats. If you do nothing at all, your heart beats. When you’re wasting time on earth, your heart is still beating. 

When we fail, when we sin, our heart is beating. When depressed or in anxiety, our heart fights to continue to beat normally. When joy and laughter is present, our heart beats. 

You and I are a living, walking miracles of God’s creation. Your heart started beating while you were in your mother’s womb and will not stop until you take your last breath. Your life is a gift from your heavenly Father. You exist because God called you into existence. And that is why your heart beats. 

So throughout 2024, stop taking life for granted, do not misuse it, do not waste it–treasure your existence. Live your life worthy of each and every heartbeat you’ve been blessed with. 

Love God. Be generous. Be kind. Be thankful. Walk in peace and daily count your blessings.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.  (Psalm 139:13-16)

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