Category Archives: Healing

Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, Issues of the Day, Pornography, Training

Understanding and Breaking Bad Habits

Most smokers desire not to smoke and most persons know that overeating is harming their bodies. But unhealthy habits are especially hard to stop. Why?

We all have habits, good and not so good. Taking a shower and shaving along with brushing our teeth are all healthy habits. Habits begin with routines done over and over. When we develop a routine, the brain becomes conditioned so that our actions become automatic. In other words, our brains work far less hard when a routine is established. 

Establishing good and bad habits really follow the same course. The major difference is when certain habits are pleasure-based. Enjoyable and repeated behaviors cause dopamine to be released by the brain. This feel-good chemical, dopamine, creates the craving to repeat the action. 

When we’re attempting to quit a habit, we are attempting to force our hardwired brains to do something that it’s been trained to do otherwise. Then, when you add the pleasure-giving dopamine chemical to the equation, the battle becomes even more difficult. 

Further, adding triggers to the routine cause more habit breaking problems as well. What do I mean by triggers? For example, when feeling nervous or anxious some people bite their nails. The anxiety one feels triggers the reaction of nail biting. 

When a habit like viewing pornography begins, there are often triggers from feeling rejection created, but then there is the added feel-good reward of a dopamine wash as one viewes the images. So, certain routines cause certain triggers which can cause certain rewards.

Breaking Unwanted Habits

First and foremost, know and understand why you want to break a habit. The why is important because it could be coming from conviction, from a guilty conscience, or from fear of getting caught. Second, what is the benefit of breaking the unwanted behavior? These steps are a part of deciding that this specific habit is not a good one and your personal conviction is to stop it.

Note: realize there is a difference between sin, breaking God’s commands, and a bad habit. Recognize some bad habits are not sinful. 

Third, ask yourself how you have been justifying this habit. What excuses have you been using to continue it? For example, I can eat several candy bars because I fasted a meal yesterday. Or, I can watch porn because my spouse is rejecting me. Discovering these justifiers will help you to be able to fully admit that this habit is rooted in a negative or harmful thought process.

Fourth, don’t blame others for your negative habits. You must personally take responsibility. If you regularly blame others for your porn addiction, you’ll never quit. If you blame others for your anger, your anger issues will not change. You must take ownership for your habits.

Fifth, stay away from the triggers. Remember, it was stated earlier that certain triggers, especially those which also contain reward, can cause us to act in the routine of certain bad habits. So, if there are specific persons (relationships) or places which help to promote those triggers, work at staying away from them. 

Sometimes when we connect a negative habit with who it affects, it can help us to stop. For example, if our anger has begun to cause our children to become afraid of us (anger causing fear), then we realize change needs to occur so that our children know and respond to our love.  

Sixth, enlist a faithful friend to hold you accountable. Ask someone who will not judge you but rather care enough to lend support toward change. 

Step seven can be to replace the bad habit with a good one. This is an attempt at rewiring the brain away from the unwanted behavior toward the desired behavior. 

Eight, practice self-control. The more you practice self-control, the more you exercise the brain to develop a new habit (like a muscle exercising). Both the new and the old habit are in your brain; practicing the new enlarges the self-control muscle. This is also the principle of sowing and reaping. As you sow the good habit, you will reap the good results. 

Nine, keep enlisting God’s help. Keep depending upon the Holy Spirit to protect you, to provide new ways to respond and to give you new thoughts.

Ten. Lastly, one of the best ways to put to death a negative habit is to reinforce your healing, your change and your renewed mind by helping others in that very same area!

“…Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.” (Romans 13:14) And, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord…” (Colossians 3:23) 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Singles, Small Groups, Training, Women

Change Is Hard: The Law of Constant Use

Have you set goals for 2024? Do you know what you desire to accomplish and when you desire to accomplish it? Maybe you have some goals left over from 2023. I know I do. 

But what about personal life goals? How do we see growth and change in our personal lives? Dealing with oneself is often a bit more challenging.

First and foremost, let’s remember God changes the heart. He brings His truth to us with His request for change. So, change begins with a heart to obey God and make the changes He is requesting of us. In fact, His word reveals that we show Him how much we love Him by how willing we are to obey Him. (See John 14:15.)

From the conviction in our heart, the scriptures give us a pattern for change and I like to refer to it as The Law of Constant Use.

The Law of Constant Use provides a three-part scriptural process for change from what we are accustomed to doing to what God desires of us. How does it work and how do we start the process of change?

Jeremiah 13:23 reveals, “Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard its spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil.” What are you “accustomed to” doing? We become so accustomed to our actions and our thoughts that we often go through life without asking ourselves whether what we think, what we believe and what we do is correct.

The second verse in this process of change is, “All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” (Proverbs 14:23) It is hard work to change. Don’t let anybody fool you or tell you it’s easy. This verse reminds us that true change is not just talking about change. We all have known those persons who have promised change, but yet never deliver. Why?

When we have programed ourselves to think a certain way or act a certain way, the reprograming part takes effort. We all have believed things that are simply not true about ourselves or others. And yet, we continued in those beliefs until we were confronted with the truth. However, even then we may have struggled to believe something different. We tend to always give ourselves and our beliefs the benefit of the doubt.

There is a third step in this process. Hebrews 5:12-14 wisely records, “In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.”

The Spirit of God wants to bring forth a new reality, that which you may not be accustomed to. He wants to take you from the milk of His word to the meat, a maturation process of change. He is letting us know that past experience is not necessarily present reality. God in our spirit is retraining us to be accustomed to His voice, His reality and His will. And by “constant use” we can experience change that becomes permanent!

Yes, change is challenging, but when God is at the center of the desired change, He makes a way for correcting our course. He provides a path for change. When we constantly incorporate His truth, His thoughts and His ways, enduring change will take place in our lives.

What do you (or perhaps better asked, what does God) desire to change in you in this brand-new year He has given?

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, In the news, Issues of the Day

Prince of Peace

Over 700 years BEFORE Christ’s birth the prophet Isaiah wrote:

For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

Handel’s Messiah included these words and choirs have been singing them since the year 1741.

Our English word, peace, has far more meaning than we realize. In Hebrew, the word is “Shalom.” It is often used by Jews and other nationalities as a word of greeting. Shalom has many beautiful and meaningful definitions. In the Hebrew, it is far more than just peace. It can mean completeness, cessation, repose, safety, soundness, tranquility, prosperity, fullness, harmony, lack of worry, and the absence of anxiety. That takes peace to a whole new level!

This peace from the Christ child has amazing meaning for our lives today. It is:

  1. Restorative – Through His peace we are restored to the Father. “For he himself is our peace…He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.” (Ephesians 2: 14-18)
  • Harmony – We can have harmony and peace with all of life’s circumstances and disappointments. When we rest in Him, find our completeness and our fullness in Him, we can be at peace no matter the situation. “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7)
  • Reigning – Jesus reigns in peace! He rules in our hearts and His peace is eternal. (See Revelation 21:3-4.) “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” (Isaiah 26:3) That word “steadfast” literally means that we can lean into and rest upon His peace!

When someone greets you or signs off a letter with the Hebrew word for peace, shalom, they are repeating what Jesus pronounced while on the earth: 

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)

Many things can attempt to steal our peace this Christmas season. There are wars and rumors of wars, broken relationships, diseases, financial worries and more. But the Prince of Peace has come, has returned to the Father and is coming again. He bids you Shalom.

Glory to God in the highest, 

    And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!  (Luke 2:14)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Marriage Issues are “Our” Issues

Someone recently commented to my wife and I, “Wow, it encourages us to know that Steve and Mary had marriages issues too.” They were reading about our marriage in our book, Staying Together. We laughed as we confessed there is no perfect couple or perfect marriage.

In the book, we describe something traumatic that occurred to Mary, my wife. And in the book, we described how it affected our marriage for several years. 

An issue Mary was dealing with became a marriage issue because we are one. What affects Mary affects Steve; what affects Steve affects Mary. 

I could have gone on in life and lived in a manner that blamed her for the issue. I could have told her to get counseling for herself without me by her side. I could have distanced myself from the issues that were causing other issues and simply said, “It’s your problem; get it fixed.”

But is that the right approach in marriage? Is that showing marital commitment? Is that caring for another’s needs? Husbands and wives take this approach everyday saying, “It’s not my problem.” But if we’re married–if we’re one–then it is not his or her problem, it is our problem. When I make it my spouse’s problem, I am saying that I do not need to change, I do not need to support them and I do not need to be concerned. But, when I make it our problem, we are then walking and working together toward solutions and a better and a stronger outcome.

Marriage is a gift of oneness. There are three mentions of oneness in the scriptures: God the Father, Son and Spirit are one. Jesus and His church are one. A husband and a wife are one. 

As one, individual problems become our problems. So, get in there and fight for and alongside your spouse through each and every life issue. Find solutions together. Walk together and pray together. And to that end, find agreement together over any and all life issues.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Conflict in our Marriages: Why We have Them

Conflict is easy; resolve is hard!

Most of us know how to do conflict, argue, disagree and/or fight, but few of us know how to resolve, come into agreement and heal conflict in our marriages. That’s what this blog is about. So, let’s start with a few facts:

  1. Even in conflict we need to maintain a right attitude toward one another. Conflict is not always detrimental in marriage, but it does test our faith, our patience and our personal level of grace. According to the scripture, it also develops character (Romans 5:3-5; James 1: 2-4). In marriage, we are often “using” one another to help smooth out our character. Our conflicts can be (will be?) deeper because our love is deeper.
  1. James said to let perseverance finish its work so we can mature. The natural response to conflict is more conflict, a desire to win or bailing out, quitting. But when we push through, pray through and persevere through the trial the outcome will be perseverance doing its work. The problem is too many couples quit, give up and believe it cannot be resolved or they want others to resolve it for them. The truth is the more we persevere, the more victory we will eventually have. Ask any couple who fought through financial differences, persevered, stuck to a budget until they saw the reward and you will find a couple who is extremely strong in the financial realm.
  2. Whatever we sow, we reap. Sowing and reaping is at work in our marriages. If we sow the negative, we will reap it. Typically, we sow discontentment and criticism because we’re not getting what we want. The seed of criticism cannot produce the fruit we’re looking for. In the midst of disagreement think about what good seeds you can sow.
  3. Don’t give the enemy a foothold by not coming to resolve (Ephesians 4:26-27). A marriage that holds bitterness, sows negative seeds and criticism, etc. is not doing what Peter said when he told us to be considerate of our wives and treat them with respect so our prayers are not hindered. In other words, prayer will be powerless in the home of disrespect, discontentment and the lack of peace.
  4. Be aware of what Paul called selfish ambition (Philippians 2:1-2). Most of our conflict is over selfish preferences rather than desiring the best for one another. 
  5. As conflicts are resolved, God uses those areas in our lives to help others. I know that sounds far off, but it’s true. We will have authority to speak into that which we have had to grow through and have experienced winning the battles. Believe God for win/wins.
  6. Lastly, we are to love deeply. I Peter 4:8 tells us “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” Love often means overlooking, forgetting and not pointing out failures. It’s a “keeps no record of wrong” position. 

God wants you to be able to resolve conflict and I believe He gives us the tools to do so. Obviously, we both need to stick to the plan He gives us and press forward believing by faith for His outcome to our marriage as hard as it is at times. Conflicts are not the problem, we all have them, but not resolving them sure is.

Here’s a possible assignment: Write down the common triggers in your relationship that tend to cause conflict and discuss why and how. Ask God to bring healing to those areas in your lives. Remember, your spouse is not your enemy but rather your life mate who loves you and desires the best for you.

The more healed we become individually, the more healing our marriage will experience. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, History, Issues of the Day, Prayer

Thanksgiving, A Time of Hope, Remembrance and Healing

How great is it to have a National Day of Thanksgiving in the USA and many other nations, approximately eleven other nations celebrate a day of giving thanks.

It is thought the first Thanksgiving was celebrated with the Plymouth colonists in 1621. The Native American Wampanoag people shared an autumn feast with the colonists. For the next two centuries, thanksgiving days were celebrated individually by differing colonies in multiple states. Pilgrims were known for days of fasting and prayer along with days of feasting and giving thanks to God.

In the midst of the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln proclaimed a national Thanksgiving Day to be held in November, but that day wasn’t easy to come by. 

The woman who wrote the nursery rhyme “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” Sarah Josepha Hale, campaigned endlessly with governors, senators and presidents for 36 years. Lincoln headed her request in 1863 with the proclamation for all Americans to ask God to “commend to his tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife” and to “heal the wounds of the nation.”

Wow, a day of thanksgiving to heal the wounds of a nation. We live in nations filled with the wounded. We see multiple wars on the earth today wounding so many more. To stop and give God thanks in an effort to bring healing to the many “wounded” around us, well, that’s just amazing and seems only right.

Giving thanks is something God’s word admonishes us to do repeatedly. To have a thankful heart helps us to not dwell on what we feel is wrong, inhibits complaining, releases others from personal judgments, and simply is a healthy way to live our lives spiritually, mentally and physically. So, to help you, here are a few thanksgiving verses:

Psalm 106:1 – Praise the Lord! Give thanks to the Lord for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.

Psalm 69:30 – Then I will praise God’s name with singing, and I will honor him with thanksgiving.

Psalm 92:1-2 – It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to the Most High. It is good to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning, your faithfulness in the evening.

Colossians 3:17 – And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father. 

Colossians 4:2 – Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.

                    Have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving!!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, Insecurity

Healing Damaged Emotions

When we suffer a deep physical wound, we are rushed off to the emergency room to have that wound receive necessary and immediate attention. It gets anesthetized, then cleaned and finally sown up from the inside out so the healing process can begin. We are administered antibiotics to ward off infection and told to go home to rest and take our pain medicine as prescribed.

But what happens when we receive an emotional wound? Rarely do we treat it with the same attention. We tell ourselves that it will be ok, it’s not too deep and in time it will go away. But what if it doesn’t? What do we do then? I have yet to see an ER for an emotional wound, but I believe God knows just how to administer healing to the wounded soul and spirit.

When discussing healing of emotional wounds, the first question to be asked is, “What are we desiring to heal?” Dr. David Seamands in his book, Healing for Damaged Emotions, states, “As trees have rings hidden under the bark of the tree which help to reveal its history, so we as humans have concealed pain under our protective skin.” Inside we have recorded “rings of our lives.” Dr. Seamands goes on to point out that these rings “…deeply affect our concepts, our feelings, our relationships. They affect the way we look at life and God, at others and ourselves.”

What are some of these damaged emotions? One of the most common is rejection – a feeling of unworthiness and inferiority. Other damages occurred when our security and significance were threatened. A perfectionistic parent can place unattainable expectations upon a child or fears may be handed down from a fear-filled parent or other authority figures.

Healing these areas means we must be willing to crawl down into the trenches of our lives.

There are two scriptures that come to mind concerning this level of healing:

I Thessalonians 5:2: “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.”

Romans 8:5-11 (v. 5-6): “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.”

God’s Spirit through our spirit longs to heal our minds and emotions. He desires our whole being to be in health. 

There are three very important steps we can take to enter into this level of healing:

1.  Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal areas of deception and denounce them.

2.  Ask for Jesus’ cleansing through an honest and sincere confession to have Him purify them of all unrighteousness.

3.  Maintain humility, hide nothing and confess everything.

All of us have memories—memories of things that happened to us. Memories are real and often factual, but at the core of human pain is often a lie—something that is not true. Memory is a wonderful thing unless there is a lie connected to the memory.

The Lord does not wipe clean our memory banks, but He will bring the truth to any lies we are telling ourselves which perpetuate the wounds. Often people know the truth, but do not apply it to the lie. The pain is not coming from the memory, but the lie within the memory. The significance of believing a lie is that it may as well be the truth: the consequences are the same. 

I can recall a counselee who perceived herself to be overweight. She certainly was not overweight but was now struggling with anorexia, starving herself in order to “be thin and accepted.” Where did this originate from? She had a memory of a boyfriend who frequently reminded her of her weight, telling her that any girlfriend of his had to be thin. Housed within that memory was a lie she accepted that went something like this: “If I am to be loved by him, attractive to him, I need to lose weight and be thin.”

Paul told the Ephesian church they were to “put off” their old and the corrupted desires while “putting on” a new attitude of the mind in order to reflect righteousness in becoming like God. Our Counselor, Jesus, must reveal to us our old self and the lies that support those wounds. He then chooses to be the Truth so that we can put on the new self of His creation, reflecting the likeness and character of our Savior.

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Challenge, Healing, Identity, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Refining Our Souls; Pursuing Sexual Wholeness

Our smartphones today are no longer phones, but more so mini computers. Adults are now spending 20 hours per week on digital media. This means most persons will be faced with the option of viewing pornography. 

Similarweb reported that in 2021 the top three porn sites outranked Amazon, Twitch, Zoom and Netflix combined in monthly visitors. 

A nationally conducted survey among churches over the past five years revealed that 68% of men and 50% of pastors view pornography regularly (Pure Desire Ministries).  But, the most shocking was that 11–17-year-old boys reported being the greatest users – 85% and nearly 50% of young girls (From the web site Fight the New Drug).  Pornography in our country is a 4-billion-dollar industry.  More money is spent on pornography than pro baseball, pro basketball, pro football and the Super bowl combined per year.  Eleven thousand adult films are produced per year, which is 20 times the number of regular media films coming out of Hollywood.  The issue is sweeping through the church and with the present younger generation being exposed and involved, it is epidemic.  

Speaking of present generation, this is the generation that is actively fighting sex trafficking more than any other generation; however, this generation is also consuming porn faster than any other generation.

Too often we tell men and women caught up in this issue that it is solely a moral issue, but studies are showing that it is also a brain issue.  So, telling men to study more, pray more and simply to think pure thoughts is like telling a heroin addict to just stop thinking about and pursuing his/her drug – the brain is conditioned.

Studies are now indicating that when we are involved in sexual activity the brain releases a chemical called Oxytocin, along with other chemicals; it is the glue to human bonding. When we watch pornography, powerful neurotransmitters such as dopamine are also released and our brain then takes those images and creates a bond, actually interfering with human bonding and sexuality.  Dr. Tim Jennings, a neuropsychologist says that any type of repetitive behavior will create trails in our brain that fire on automatic sequence. 

Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways.  Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really.  Women feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing.  It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world.  It brings insecurities to her and can destroy her esteem.  She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover.  She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal.  

One thing we know from God, the Creator of sexuality, is that His love is completely satisfying.  One thing we know from the evil one is that lust is insatiable and can NEVER be satisfied.  Pornography and lust are a drive to serve oneself rather than one’s life mate or others. 

By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and helping it to grow.  You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world.  You are adding to the sin of human trafficking.  You are saying yes to a multi-billion-dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent men, women and children and can even lead to their abduction or death.  You are destroying those trapped in this industry (which today includes more teenage girls than ever), your marriage, your own family and yourself.  And then you excuse it and rationalize it.  You tell yourself it’s not that bad; just a quick look; it’s a natural desire; and some of you even change your theology to tell yourself…no, try to convince yourself that it’s actually ok with God.  Maybe even right now you have messages going to your brain saying, “But that’s not me.”

Here are a few things that the porn industry does not tell you:

Viewing pornography is addictive.

Viewing pornography will help to bring destruction to your closest relationships.

Viewing pornography brings feelings of shame.

Viewing pornography can lead to cheating on your spouse.

Viewing pornography can become very expensive.

I Corinthians 6:13 reveals, “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord…” and verse 18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”  Ephesians 5:3 also adds, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity.”

Jesus did not come to condemn you, but rather through grace and forgiveness to remove sexual shame from you. In John chapter eight He told a woman who was caught in adultery that He did not condemn her, but then told her to leave her life of sexual sin. 

Our heavenly Father is in love with you, understands you and has a course of purity for you to walk in. Confess your sin to Him, receive His forgiveness and then find accountability and steps of healing. Here is an organization that can help: http://www.Soulrefiner.com.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Is Marriage the Answer to Pornography Use?

Many young men and women often believe marriage will be their answer to a porn use problem. If you viewed porn as a teenager, porn use will not stop in marriage. While there may be times of reprieve, it will remain a temptation. 

Having sex in marriage as it was designed by our Creator, provides no guarantee that when you are stressed, when you need a quick fix or when married life is not working out as expected that you will not return to pornography. It’s addictive; highly addictive and it’s a false counterfeit to the real. 

Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways. Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really. Women often feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing. It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world. It brings insecurities to her and can negatively affect her esteem. She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover.  She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal. 

Men, however, often view pornography as innocent, a fix for loneliness or not having a sexual partner that agrees with his desires. Men rationalize and justify their behavior by attempting to call it “normal behavior” of a man who is simply visual. However, the act of viewing pornography is highly addictive in which some psychologist state that it is like a crack cocaine addiction. Over time it does not diminish, but tends to intensify. It can interfere in a man’s ability to function at home with his family, at work and of course in the bedroom.  

Let me say something personal to the casual or the constant viewer. By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and helping it to grow. You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world. You are adding to the sin of human trafficking. You are saying yes to a multi-billion-dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent men, women and children and can even lead to their abduction or death. You are learning to see and treat women as a sex object. You are destroying those trapped in this industry (which today includes more teenage girls than ever), your marriage, your own family and yourself. And then you excuse it and rationalize it. You tell yourself it’s not that bad, just a quick look, it’s a natural desire and some of you even change your theology to tell yourself…no, try to convince yourself that it’s actually ok with God. 

It is not ok with God because it is a counterfeit of what God lovingly gave to you. It is false intimacy and it will steal from you real intimacy. Check out these verses: Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.  As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.  But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do. ( I Peter 1:13-15) 

It is said that 50% of young girls are viewing porn also. All of the above is true for you too. It will have a negative effect upon your marriage and your loving husband. Not only that, but for husbands and wives who struggle you are passing down this sin to your children. 

Repent and confess porn use to God, to your pastor today, be accountable and find resources, counselors and groups that will support you toward freedom.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Conflicts in Marriage; We All Have Them

My wife and I often joke that we had a conflict once in our marriage of 47 years so we wrote a book about it. Not exactly true. We’ve had many conflicts, but conflicts do not have to be harsh or out of control. After all, we face conflicts daily in life and we tend to handle them better with complete strangers than we do with our spouse or our children.

Why is that? We have nothing invested in the stranger, but we have everything invested in our marriage and family. 

Conflicts often originate from blocked goals; we are wanting something and not getting it. We may even want something good, but the goal or the need is blocked by something, by someone. What we do at this point is totally up to us. We can bust our way through with anger or we can go silent and walk out. We can pretend we’re not having a conflict and not deal with it or we can become abusive in our response all in an effort to get what we want and when we want it. 

Here are seven suggestions that can help us when it comes to marriage conflicts:

  1. Even in conflict we need to maintain a right attitude toward one another. Conflict is not always detrimental in marriage, but it does test our faith, our patience and our personal level of grace. According to the scriptures, it also develops character (See Romans 5:3-5 and James 1:2-4.). Remember that in marriage our conflict is deeper because our love is deeper.
  2. The natural response to conflict is more conflict, a desire to win or a desire to just bail. But when we push through, pray through and persevere through, the trial and the outcome will be perseverance doing its work (See James 1:4.). Don’t quit and give up; believe for a resolve because the more we learn to persevere through the conflict, the more victories we will experience. 
  3. Keep in mind that whatever we sow, we reap. If we sow anger, we’ll reap anger. If we sow the negative we will be sure to reap the negative. The seed of criticism and name calling cannot produce the fruit of peace or righteousness.
  4. Do not hold onto negative words, bitterness, criticism, or anger because these things will bite you in the end. Peter told us to be considerate in our marriages and to treat one another with respect (I Peter 3:1-9). Jesus never treats us in disrespect, anger or abuse. 
  5. In each and every conflict, be aware of selfish ambition because many of our conflicts arise from a felt need or desire regardless of how another feels. In Philippians 2 Paul reminds us to, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others [my spouse] better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others [my spouse].”
  6. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (I Peter 4:8) Love often means overlooking an offense, forgetting, not pointing out failures, not reminding one another of past mistakes, forgiving and keeping no record of wrongs.
  7. Lastly, as conflicts are resolved, God uses those areas in our lives to help others. I know that might sound far off right now, but it’s true. We will have authority to speak into that which we have had to grow through and have successfully won the battles with.

The number one reason marriages do not make it today is the inability of two adults to respectfully and honorably resolve conflict with each other. Put into practice the points above and you’ll be on your way to resolving conflict. Conflict is not wrong in a relationship, but unresolved conflict certainly is.

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