Category Archives: Issues of the Day

Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Leave and Cleave; Have You Left Your Parents?

I distinctly remember when each of our children left their family home for good. It is never a matter of will they leave, but rather a matter of when and how they will leave. Be assured, they will one day leave and the test of all that you taught them will begin. 

God instructed the newlywed to “leave and cleave.” It was a pretty clear command to leave father and mother. But it was not a command to lose relationship in the process. More so, it was a command to switch one’s loyalty from their parents to their spouse. 

Have you “left” your parents? And, what boundaries have you set in place? Here are some boundaries that my wife and I agreed to early in our marriage. 

  • We would never mention the “D” word–divorce.
  • We would not return to our parent’s home and leave or separate from our spouse.
  • We would not maintain a dependency upon our parents in anyway, i.e., financially or emotionally.
  • We would never speak disrespectfully about our spouse to our parents.
  • We would not allow our parents or extended family to speak negatively about our spouse. 
  • We would not share our spouses weaknesses with anyone unless we empower that person to help us with that weakness.
  • We would establish our own traditions and traditional visits to family.
  • We would not expect any kind of inheritance from our families.
  • We would not borrow money from our parents unless our parents approached us, we agreed with them and agreed to the terms and conditions.
  • We would not allow the influence of a parent to outweigh the influence of our spouse.
  • We would always honor our parents, but our first loyalty would be to one another.
  • We would always maintain a spirit of respect toward our parents even if we disagreed with them.
  • We would listen to their counsel and apply it as we agreed together to do.
  • We would care for them together as they aged.

There could certainly be a lot more areas to agree upon, but I think you get the idea. Obviously clear, open and honest communication is necessary to maintain an attitude of honor and affirmation toward your parents while at the same time finding your way as a “leaving and cleaving” couple.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Training

Leadership Fatigue and Burnout

I can recall an important part of a message that I heard many years ago. I remember one small but impacting statement the speaker made. It went like this: “If the evil one cannot move you away from God, he’ll push you into God!”

What does that mean? 

It means he is relentless at letting you know you’re not doing enough, not praying enough, not studying the Bible enough, and not testifying enough. If he can push you to believe these lies, he can discourage you and cause you to think you simply are not enough. 

The end result is spiritual exhaustion, physical depletion and emotional discouragement. And that can affect your work, your ministry, your marriage and your family. In the last decade over 29,000 evangelical pastors have left the pastorate. Lifeway Research has noted that 71% of churches have no plan for sabbaticals; 66% lack a support group for the pastor’s family and 33% do not have a list of counselors for referrals. 

Leaders burn out, fail and fall. Our leaders are sheep as well and we all need shepherds in our life. 

That’s where sabbaticals come in. It’s not a new idea, just one that is rarely utilized. In the Monterey Herald newspaper article “Beating Burnout,” writer Cindy Kirschner Goodman reports, “Among the Fortune 100 Best Places to Work, 22 companies boast of offering a fully paid sabbatical.” She writes, “These companies find if they don’t do something, their workers will burn out and leave, or even worse burn out and stay.”

A sabbatical is preventative medicine. It is some of the best preventative medicine/maintenance a company or a ministry can initiate for their long-term, full-time workers. 

So, how is it done? I believe in and have written about a four-phase approach:

  1. Disengage and Rest – Disengage from life as normal and then engage in what will provide rest to you physically, mentally and spiritually.
  2. Retooling and Refocusing – After rest, one is often ready for some input into their life that promotes personal growth and health.
  3. Regeneration or Renewal – This is the evaluation phase and then the vision stage; assessing the past and looking toward the future. 
  4. Resolution – This phase is a firm or unwavering determination toward a solved problem or solution toward healthy boundaries to sustain a balanced lifestyle. It is a written plan for your future so you do not return to life as “usual,” but rather implementing the changes that are necessary.

You can catch an in-depth look at sabbaticals in this book. 

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Challenge, Children, History, Issues of the Day, Parents

Family Relationships vs. Activity

Growing up in the 1960’s seemed like such a slower pace than we endure these days. As kids, we had long summer days at the creek, riding our bikes for miles on lonely country roads or creating forts in the woods behind our house. 

Sometimes we’d get the neighborhood kids together and play football, baseball or go sledding down numerous hills we could claim within walking distance from home.

Entertainment was a handheld AM transistor radio playing the latest tunes or a few black and white TV programs in the evening. We went to bed early after convincing Mom we had a bath two nights ago and didn’t need one that night. 

We caught fireflies in the summer and made campfires in the winter or anxiously waited for the creek to freeze so we could ice skate or play hockey. Ice hockey was preferred using the perfect dogged leg stick and a smashed tin can as a puck. 

We constantly used our imagination. Was there boredom? Yes, but that gave time for whittling a new slingshot, repairing a bike or accomplishing our chores. Oh yeah, chores. We had jobs to do and that often came before school work. 

There were expectations in those days. Families ate together, sat on the front porch together watching the cars go by and swatted flies. The adults read the newspaper and the kids read the funnies. Families talked about life, cousins or uncles in the military, house rules, right and wrong. There was talking, listening, and once in a while, laughter. Even the TV shows of the day were a picture of the same. 

The pace of life today is not the same. Families are going from activity to activity. Kids are having to wolf down Happy Meals or “value meals” over and over in order to make it to the next practice on time. We’re all too often missing the conversations around the dinner table and time together on the deck just talking and laughing. This fast paced life is valuing activity over relationship and it’s hurting family life. 

Will our children look back at their childhood and see mostly activity or remember relationship building as a family value? 

We live in a diffferent world today, but work hard at giving your children something to remember: RELATIONSHIP.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Intimacy Anorexia

It’s not my term. Author and speaker Dr. Doug Weiss coined the term and states it’s why some people “actively withhold emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy” from their partner. He writes that some of those issues can be identified as:

  • Keeping themselves busy with child care, household tasks, technology or work. Too busy for you, but not others.
  • Blaming you [or others] for the loss of intimacy rather than exploring potential patterns in their own behavior.
  • Withholding love, especially in the way you desire to receive it.
  • They stop complementing you.
  • Have little to no interest in sex.
  • Show little interest in connecting on a spiritual level.
  • Avoid talking about their feelings and not connecting on an emotional level.
  • Treat you more like a roommate and not a romantic partner.
  • Have money control issues or desire to control the money.
  • Have anger outbursts, ignore you or give you the silent treatment.

Wiess states it doesn’t take all these issues, maybe just five of them to experience sexual anorexia. He believes many persons who survive some form of sexual abuse will respond in this way to their marriage partners. 

Further, these relationships can be full of frequent criticism, including criticism of things one cannot change. 

Persons who exhibit these types of behaviors have more than likely experienced something traumatic in their growing up years. In their adult world, however, they are attempting to avoid the pain of their misguided view by avoiding intimacy. 

Intimacy requires trust in a relationship. It requires vulnerability. It requires safety and, of course, that all important ingredient: love.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage brings glory to God.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage draws marriages closer to God and one another.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage is always centered on your spouse.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage promotes deeper love, commitment and pleasure.

If you find yourself battling with any of the above descriptions of intimacy anorexia, please see a counselor who is familiar with the subject.  

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Children, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Singles

DINK’S – Have you Heard About Them?

It’s our culture’s latest attempt at trying to minimize what has historically been the norm when it comes to marriage. With couples marrying older and having fewer children, DINK’S have now become a thing.

What is a D.I.N.K? It’s an acronym: Double Income No Children.

Yep, more and more couples are opting for “wealth” and “freedom” over bearing and raising children. Is it selfishly motivated? Maybe. 

(Note: This is not a blog for those who long for children and who have been unable to conceive or where there are physical complications. For you, we grieve.) 

It sounds nice, even inviting to have more financial resources to travel, to buy nice things, to have money left over at the end of the month and to max out that 401K. But, what are they missing?

DINKS are missing out on a monumental part of life – bearing and raising children. The joy of children; the parental self-maturing of raising children; the personal pain and emotional ups and downs of child raising. Perhaps in your 30’s you’ll never miss out on children, but when you’re in your 50’s, I guarantee you it will be a different story. 

How will you look back on your life without the legacy of raising kids to adults? Further, you’ll never know or experience grandparenting.

Finally, what happens when you come to the end of your life? Who will be there? Where will all of the “stuff” you’ve collected go? Who will care for you and visit you if you need to be in a retirement home, while all of your friends and extended family are themselves passing? 

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” (Psalm 127:3)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, In the news, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Parents

Wasting Your Life Blaming Others

I can’t begin to tell you how many people who entered my counseling office over numerous years attributed all of their life issues to another person or persons. It can always be someone else’s fault. Why? We are very good at finding others to blame.

We can blame:

  • Our parents
  • Our spouse
  • Our ex-spouse
  • Our boss
  • Our coworkers

The list could go on and on. But here is a word of counsel that you can take to the bank:

As long as we feel we can blame another for our problems, we will never know wholeness for that area of our lives.

Said another way:

When you stop blaming others, you will then begin your journey to wellness.

When we constantly and consistently blame others for our life problems, we will breed entitlement in our life. Entitlement is an immature “others owe me” mentality. And, they owe me because of what they did to me. Entitlement will breed victimhood. 

Victims do not have to change because…well, they’re victims. Victims remain victims because our culture embraces victimhood as an excuse to live with a life controlling problem. Victims will have a distorted view of reality because they suffered and need others to understand that things happened “to” them. Victimhood will breed unforgiveness. 

Unforgiveness will support us in maintaining a depressed and unthankful heart. It keeps us in the unhealthy state of “That person does not deserve my forgiveness of them.” Unforgiving people are unhappy, unthankful and unhealthy persons.

Maybe your parent was abusive and it started a vicious cycle of hurt and pain. In that case, you are an innocent victim of your parent’s abuse. You may have the option of spending your life blaming your parent(s) and I guess you’d have every right to do so, but staying in blame and not pursuing personal healing only hurts you, not them. 

Jesus was a victim of unjust persecution, as were many in the scriptures.

Jesus knew that ultimately there was a purpose in His suffering and nothing would deter Him from His goal of salvation for all. Even when suffering, Jesus did not adopt a victim mentality. 

Blaming others and walking in longterm victimhood will never allow us to see our own failures, our personal shortcomings. We’ll see the splinter in others’ eyes, but not the log in our own. It will rob us of the initiative to change.

Blaming others and becoming a victim destroys the relationships around us. You cannot dialogue with or challenge someone who is always innocent and right. They simply will not take responsibility for their wrongdoings and wrong words. By the way, this is also why “identity politics” fails so miserably. It constantly creates victims (good people) and oppressors (bad people). There is no healing in this victim-filled mentality.

To heal means you must stop blaming others for your ills and to stop expecting others to fix you or make life right for you.

We need to own our reactions to our hurts and what we tell ourselves about them. To rise above blaming others is to take on the attitude of Christ and His sufferings. Listen to what Peter wrote about suffering.

Do not repay evil with evil, or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called…But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened…[that] those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. (I Peter 3: 9,14,16)

So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. (I Peter 4:19)

God knows what you suffered at the hands of another. He suffered with you. When we turn our victim status over to Him and receive His healing, we will become victors.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, Issues of the Day, Pornography, Training

Understanding and Breaking Bad Habits

Most smokers desire not to smoke and most persons know that overeating is harming their bodies. But unhealthy habits are especially hard to stop. Why?

We all have habits, good and not so good. Taking a shower and shaving along with brushing our teeth are all healthy habits. Habits begin with routines done over and over. When we develop a routine, the brain becomes conditioned so that our actions become automatic. In other words, our brains work far less hard when a routine is established. 

Establishing good and bad habits really follow the same course. The major difference is when certain habits are pleasure-based. Enjoyable and repeated behaviors cause dopamine to be released by the brain. This feel-good chemical, dopamine, creates the craving to repeat the action. 

When we’re attempting to quit a habit, we are attempting to force our hardwired brains to do something that it’s been trained to do otherwise. Then, when you add the pleasure-giving dopamine chemical to the equation, the battle becomes even more difficult. 

Further, adding triggers to the routine cause more habit breaking problems as well. What do I mean by triggers? For example, when feeling nervous or anxious some people bite their nails. The anxiety one feels triggers the reaction of nail biting. 

When a habit like viewing pornography begins, there are often triggers from feeling rejection created, but then there is the added feel-good reward of a dopamine wash as one viewes the images. So, certain routines cause certain triggers which can cause certain rewards.

Breaking Unwanted Habits

First and foremost, know and understand why you want to break a habit. The why is important because it could be coming from conviction, from a guilty conscience, or from fear of getting caught. Second, what is the benefit of breaking the unwanted behavior? These steps are a part of deciding that this specific habit is not a good one and your personal conviction is to stop it.

Note: realize there is a difference between sin, breaking God’s commands, and a bad habit. Recognize some bad habits are not sinful. 

Third, ask yourself how you have been justifying this habit. What excuses have you been using to continue it? For example, I can eat several candy bars because I fasted a meal yesterday. Or, I can watch porn because my spouse is rejecting me. Discovering these justifiers will help you to be able to fully admit that this habit is rooted in a negative or harmful thought process.

Fourth, don’t blame others for your negative habits. You must personally take responsibility. If you regularly blame others for your porn addiction, you’ll never quit. If you blame others for your anger, your anger issues will not change. You must take ownership for your habits.

Fifth, stay away from the triggers. Remember, it was stated earlier that certain triggers, especially those which also contain reward, can cause us to act in the routine of certain bad habits. So, if there are specific persons (relationships) or places which help to promote those triggers, work at staying away from them. 

Sometimes when we connect a negative habit with who it affects, it can help us to stop. For example, if our anger has begun to cause our children to become afraid of us (anger causing fear), then we realize change needs to occur so that our children know and respond to our love.  

Sixth, enlist a faithful friend to hold you accountable. Ask someone who will not judge you but rather care enough to lend support toward change. 

Step seven can be to replace the bad habit with a good one. This is an attempt at rewiring the brain away from the unwanted behavior toward the desired behavior. 

Eight, practice self-control. The more you practice self-control, the more you exercise the brain to develop a new habit (like a muscle exercising). Both the new and the old habit are in your brain; practicing the new enlarges the self-control muscle. This is also the principle of sowing and reaping. As you sow the good habit, you will reap the good results. 

Nine, keep enlisting God’s help. Keep depending upon the Holy Spirit to protect you, to provide new ways to respond and to give you new thoughts.

Ten. Lastly, one of the best ways to put to death a negative habit is to reinforce your healing, your change and your renewed mind by helping others in that very same area!

“…Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.” (Romans 13:14) And, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord…” (Colossians 3:23) 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Prayer, Singles, Women

Your Beating Heart in 2024

Your heart beats 60 to 100 times per minute. Rarely do we take notice. 

Recently a friend found himself in the emergency room with a serious heart issue. He would need emergency surgery. After the surgery, he told me he had little to no symptoms of a serious heart anomaly. It was rather silent, but death was imminent if the condition was not addressed immediately.

You have a heartbeat. Every moment of your life is dependent upon it. If it stops, your life is over. If you exercise, your heart beats. If you do nothing at all, your heart beats. When you’re wasting time on earth, your heart is still beating. 

When we fail, when we sin, our heart is beating. When depressed or in anxiety, our heart fights to continue to beat normally. When joy and laughter is present, our heart beats. 

You and I are a living, walking miracles of God’s creation. Your heart started beating while you were in your mother’s womb and will not stop until you take your last breath. Your life is a gift from your heavenly Father. You exist because God called you into existence. And that is why your heart beats. 

So throughout 2024, stop taking life for granted, do not misuse it, do not waste it–treasure your existence. Live your life worthy of each and every heartbeat you’ve been blessed with. 

Love God. Be generous. Be kind. Be thankful. Walk in peace and daily count your blessings.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.  (Psalm 139:13-16)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day

What Will You Not Do in the New Year?

We have spent a month on goals and change for this new year, but what about the idea of not doing certain things in the year ahead?

A year has 365 days. That’s a lot of days to make a change or to simply hit the repeat button and not make any changes. We can spend 365 days doing the same things we did in the prior 365 days, keeping our year looking pretty much the same. And, we can do that year after year. 

But is that what God desires in our lives? Should we continue to be creatures of habit? Nature repeats itself, but that doesn’t mean we should. Routines can be harmful and doing them year after year makes them permanent in our lives. However, we do have a different option: to not keep repeating ourselves.

God’s way for our lives is often a new way, not a repetitive way. We can’t walk with God and not change. We cannot allow our spirit being connected to His Spirit to simply follow in old, oftentimes harmful, repetitious ways. The scriptures reveal He is making all things new. (See Isaiah 43:19; Revelation 21:5; Romans 6:4.) God’s way is a supernatural way. 

Be encouraged to live on earth in a way that brings down heavenly ways, heavenly thoughts and actions. There is a newness in His Spirit if we are willing to seek first the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33). 

To know God’s ways, we must read His word daily. We must converse with Him throughout each and every day. We must ask Him what He would do. And then, we must listen for His voice, following all of this with obedience.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Parents, Small Groups, Training, Women

Ten Words of Wisdom for the New Year

In case you haven’t noticed, my blogs for the month of January are committed to making personal change and incorporating wisdom for the New Year. Find words of wisdom from the writer of the book of Proverbs found in the Old Testament of the Bible. 

This book is filled with wisdom and I love to read it annually. Solomon, the author, begins by reminding us we are not to forget these teachings and commands because in obeying them they will “prolong life and bring us prosperity” (Proverbs 3:1-2). Now there is a promise to hold on to. Here are ten more wise sayings to incorporate into your life.

  1. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) How easy is it to fall back on our own understanding, but our wisdom is so limited. We will quickly come to the end of ourselves and our knowledge. We must integrate the knowledge of God’s understanding.
  2. “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” (Proverbs 11:3) Integrity will guide you; deceitful ways will destroy you. Walk in high moral character and integrity. It takes a lifetime to build integrity and only minutes to lose it.
  3. “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” (Proverbs 11:25) Generosity will prosper you! Jesus said to give and you will be given unto to. It’s simple, it’s true, and it’s life-altering.
  4. “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” (Proverbs 12:25) Anxiety, fear of the future, (mostly unfounded) will weigh us down. Kind words and truth-filled thoughts will cheer us up.
  5. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) When someone is arguing with us, raising their voice, and we use the same volume, anger will be continue. But when we can give a gentle response, it will lower the volume and keep the discussion more friendly.
  6. “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” (Proverbs 16:18) Humility is one of the godliest traits one can embrace in life. Pride will keep us from changing because it keeps us in a defensive, self-justifying mode.
  7. “He who answers before listening–that is his folly and his shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) Listening is an acquired skill. Practice listening with your spouse and with your children. Before answering, make sure they are finished with what they need to say. Listening is showing honor.
  8. “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.” (Proverbs 22:7) Remember before you borrow money, you will become a servant to the lender. The lender has that power over you. Throughout your life, make every effort to become debt-free and use credit responsively.
  9. “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13) Do you want to prosper? Be honest; be accountable to God and with a spiritual leader about your sin. Do not try to conceal your sin because your heavenly Father loves you enough to reveal it. And don’t just confess it; renounce it–cut if off!
  10. “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” (Proverbs 29:25) It seems the scripture repeatedly reminds us that we have two choices: fear of man or trust in the Lord. You can’t have it both ways. Do not be ensnared in the fear of man (the pleasing of man versus the pleasing and the pleasure of trusting God). 

There you have it–ten wonderful, life-giving words of wisdom for 2024. Pass them on to your family, your friends, your co-workers, and your neighbors.

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