Perhaps lechery is a word you are not familiar with. If you look into its meaning the dictionary states, “…unrestrained or excessive indulgence of sexual desire.” I have come across this “desire” within some marriages. Usually, it is the man who relentlessly pursues an inordinate desire for sexual relations, but this is not always the case.
Let’s be clear by stating that sexuality is something God has said “yes” to within the boundaries of marriage. It is something we should “desire” and “indulge” in regularly, but who defines “regularly” for you and your life mate and who then defines “excessive?”
Well, you both do. You find what works for you. You find what you both can agree to and enjoy. You find what honors, respects and blesses your spouse sexually and you purposefully and unselfishly pursue that. You also find what might be the cause of “…unrestrained or excessive indulgence.” We need to discover what is at the core of our lives that promotes something which is bringing harm to our marriage bed. Why? Because God’s gift of sex is never forced or abusive to another.
Let me give you some harmful effects of sexuality that can make their way into marriage.*
- Sex can be harmful if it is demeaning to another.
- It is unhealthy if it makes another person feel less valuable or used.
- It is unhealthy when it is purely selfish, used only for physical gratification.
- It is unhealthy when it shames another.
- It is damaging when forced or coerced and the law of “love does” not rule.
- Sex is not healthy when used as a replacement for affection or tenderness.
- Sex is unhealthy when it violates someone’s conscience.
- Sex is unhealthy when pornography is involved in any form.
Sexuality within the confines of marital commitment actually increases the marital bond. It fosters the growth of intimacy. It serves to reduce stress and anxiety by providing a special tone of togetherness and a release of tension. It provides a private and intimate shared experience and a bond of emotional security. It promotes a sense of well-being and happiness within the marriage and, of course, it is a gift given to us by our Creator to enjoy through many years of married life together.
(*Some of the above points are adapted from the book, The Sexual Man by Archibald Hart.)
Recently we took our five-year-old grandson with us for a weekend away. It wasn’t uncommon for him to say, “I’m bored” or “This is boring.” I forgot how much entertainment a young child needs. It makes me think about how boring and predictable our marriages can become. So much of life is routine oriented, repeated each and every day like that old movie, Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray.
Recently Mary and I celebrated 44 years of marriage. Quite honestly, there have been those
The Bible reveals, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.” (Eccl. 4:9) My marriage has had multiple “good returns” and I am so thankful for them. We’ve had the return of answered prayer together, the return of investment into the lives of others, the return of years of mission work, the return of children and grandchildren, etc. God’s returns just keep on coming.
The glue that holds all this together? Prayer. Learn to pray together. There is no better way to communicate, resolve issues, gain wisdom or “cast your care” than to pray together. You will find the intimacy you have only dreamed of if you’ll pray together. You will discover answers to lifelong problems, to long-term financial disagreements, to present frustrations and to future visions and goals. Prayer is intimacy of the highest degree in marriage as together we reveal our hearts’ desires to God and to one another.
If you have been through a divorce, you know first-hand the devastation and loss that travels with the experience. There all always more damages than one can possibly be prepared for. Often, a divorce has been forced against someone’s own personal will, while the state laws favor the breakup of the marriage and leave them no choice or alternative but a divorce.
However, before this chapter ends, God tells Jeremiah on several occasions to go and share these words of affirmation, “Return, faithless Israel, declares the Lord, I will frown on you no longer for I am merciful…for I am your husband…for I will cure your backsliding.” He, in his faithfulness, takes an unfaithful people back. He just can’t stop showing His mercy, His kindness and His forgiveness. That is the heart of the God we serve. Even though He experiences unfaithfulness, He remained faithful to Israel.
My wife cries. My eyes sweat. There is a difference!
Recently my wife and I had the privilege of spending a weekend with some young married couples on a retreat. Amidst our time together, we desired to ask them a question. That question went something like this: If you were given the chance to share with a younger couple just entering into marriage, what advice would you pass on to them? What follows is some of the excellent input we were given.
Marriage, being God’s design from the beginning, is an amazingly creative design. Every time I am on an airplane sitting shoulder to shoulder with a stranger, I wish it were my wife. It’s just so odd to be that physically close to someone you do not know and have never met. Marriage is as close and intimate as an earthly relationship can become. And the fact of the matter is, over time, it becomes even closer.
Did you know those who are blessed to experience long-term marriage tend to accumulate twice as much wealth than those who are single or divorced? Yep, it’s true.
