Category Archives: Marriage

Issues of the Day, Marriage, Training

Redemptive Love – Changing a Life

Redemption. It means to be repurchased, bought back, atoned for, rescued. It is what Jesus, our Redeemer, does. He came to earth to redeem; to change our lives one soul at a time. While salvation is not fully completed on this earth, it does initiate thatvalentine_day_art redemptive process from the inside out. To know God and to know His love is to live within this ongoing process. To not know Him is to live outside this process.

Four couples and four stories of redemption will be vulnerably shared on February 11th, 2017, at Newport Church in Elm, PA. When you and your spouse or as a single participate in this day, you will hear life-changing testimonies of couples who walked through pain-filled experiences with drugs and alcohol addiction, sexual addiction, financial ruin and the premature death of a spouse and child. You will be challenged by their stories and encouraged by their progressions of healing. And, you will have take-a-ways of redemptive ideas to bring into your relationships.

The day is free with a small charge for lunch and an offering will be taken. Please consider coming. I know you will be blessed. Call 717.627.1996 to register today. You can also view the event details at this link:

https://dcfi.org/resorces/seminars/redemptive-love-couples-day/

 

 

 

 

 

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Issues of the Day, Marriage, Premarital, Singles

10 Reasons Why Marrying Young Is Not So Bad

In last week’s blog, I mentioned the grand parenting factor of marrying younger. Our culture has shifted and now tends to look down on younger married persons, but does chronological age (youthfulness) automatically mean immaturity? Maturity does not come with age, but rather life experiences that are successfully worked and walked through. Young married persons can face those life experiences together.

My wife and I were married in our very early 20’s. Here are ten reasons that we have come to celebrate that decision.img_1578

 

  1. We carried less baggage into the marriage from multiple partners, breakups and disastrous relationships.
  2. We grew up faster, taking on the many responsibilities of married life early.
  3. We were young and had tons of fun before children entered the picture.
  4. We didn’t have deeply established routines and independent lives so it was easier to develop our culture in becoming one.
  5. It was easier to make personal change and become what would honor and serve our spouse. In other words, compromise and sacrifice were an early part of becoming adults.
  6. We had few extra resources so we learned to budget early and make do.
  7. We went from a small apartment to missionary service (an even smaller apartment) to our first home. The progression and sacrifice were shared and the accomplishments were milestones along the way.
  8. We love our memories of “young love.” But since then, romance has grown and we know each other, having grown older together with over four shared decades…”old love.”
  9. We weren’t partying and being careless, but we were helping one another reach our life goals. We navigated graduate school together.
  10. We are with the one person who has stuck by our side through the most difficult and the most enjoyable years of life. We raised our children together and now fully enjoy our grandchildren.cimg1506

No disappointment here when the scripture says, “May you rejoice in the wife of your youth…” (Proverbs 5:18)

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Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Parents, Singles

Marriage, Millennials and Grandparenting

images-4It’s pretty rare to attend a wedding today where the bride and groom are under age 25. More often, it’s a couple who are approaching their mid 30’s. The reasons? There’s college and then there’s college debt. Then a career to help pay that debt and perhaps even graduate school – more debt. The pervasive attitude becomes waiting until all the stars align, i.e., school, jobs, housing, money, etc.

I read a recent study that indicated in cities where millennial’s flock for employment there has been a rise of single-hood. In Washington DC alone, the situation is “extreme” with “81 percent of young people still single.” One young man quipped, “This is the easiest place I’ve ever been to find somebody for the night, and the hardest place to find somebody for a week or a month or a year.”

Do millennial’s want to get married? They do, but there is so much pressure on them to be financially stable they don’t always see it as practical or reasonable. A huge concern then becomes couples that choose to live together rather than marry. Couples who live together are not always thinking about the long-term aspect of building a home together, raising a family and/or integrating into local church life. Putting marriage on a back burner in order to have a career, a new car, a house, a whatever will only delay parenting and delaying parenting can directly influence the number of children families actually give birth to. It will also affect grand-parenting. images-8Grandparents can pass on or become too old to relate in healthy and fun ways with their grandchildren. And when that happens, something very, very important and essential is lost in our culture.images-6

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In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Divorce Rate IS Declining

imagesWe started writing about, training counselors and actually mentoring couples in pre- and postmarital counseling in 1989. Our primary goal as stated in our book, Called Together, Asks the Difficult Questions that all Couples Must Answer Before and After They say “I Do,” was to better prepare couples before marriage and follow-up with them after marriage using this book as a resource in the hands of trained counselors. The ultimate goal of accomplishing this was to have an effect upon the divorce rate of our day. We longed for, worked toward and prayed to see it lowered.

Imagine our surprise when reading the following in USA Today dated, November 23, 2016 on a return flight back into the United States, “Divorce rates have dropped three years in a row and are at their lowest level in 35 years. From 23 divorces per 1,000…in 1980…to 17 divorces per 1,000 in 2015, according to the National Center for Family & Marriage Research.” And the article went on to say that the rate of marriage is increasing slowly. Hopefully, that statistic speaks to fewer couples electing to live together unmarried.images

Perhaps these stats do not excite you, but for Mary and me it means so much. It means more intact families with fewer children living through the divorce of their parents. It means more stable households contributing to their communities, schools and local churches. It’s positive news for the economy with combined incomes purchasing homes, going on vacations together and providing for their children. But most of all, it means honoring the One who created this thing we call marriage, our heavenly Father.

To view our website or to order our book please visit: www.calledtogether.org

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Marriage, Postmarital

Does Security in a Marriage Lead to Sexuality?

imagesOur marriage either promotes security or insecurity. Most marriage partners are looking for security from their spouse because it’s a need we all pursue.   When security is present in a marriage relationship, you will also find honor, trust, love and respect. Where there is insecurity, most likely honor and trust are missing or at the least, threatened.

Security in our marriages gives birth to intimacy. And, true marital intimacy can lead to sexuality. Most marriages do not have a “sex problem,” they have an intimacy problem and that intimacy problem just might be a result of the lack of security (an absence of honor, love, trust and respect).

images-25When we honor and respect someone we view him or her as better than ourselves in order to serve them without expectation. Immaturity expects a return, i.e., “I do this; therefore, you do that.”   But when we choose to honor and respect someone because we are married to him or her and we love him or her, security will grow within our relationship. As security grows, intimacy grows and as intimacy grows so will a healthy sex life.

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Children, Marriage, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Men, Women and Connecting Deeply

images-2I’ve noticed some things about women and men and their wonderful differences. The women in our lives need to hear from us as men. They need to hear about our lives, our ambitions, our emotions, our issues and they really long to hear our thoughts about them. There is something internal in most women that connects with their spouse’s words, expressions, eye contact, touch and truthfulness about themselves. Women want to hear from their men in order to connect with them. It’s an internal connection and it can be difficult for men who would, more or less, rather have external connections.

Externally we as men connect with jabs, jokes, and manly conversations about work, sports and our hobbies. But women connect internally because they tend to feel more deeply. They long for that inner connection that tells them they are worth opening up to, worth trusting and worth honest, gut level communication. One is not better than the other, but both are necessary. It’s not just that women are more emotional and men are more factual; it’s greater than that. It’s about divine design as both men and women honor the way they are constructed, we actually touch each other in a holy capacity.

When I use the term external, I am not just referring to surface and when I use the term internal, I am not just making reference to emotions. I believe both men and women have the capacity to connect both externally and internally, but it takes time and a patient teacher to connect in a way that we have not naturally gravitated toward. Sometimes our parents miss this and sometimes our culture misrepresents this.

images-4In Genesis chapter one we are told that God created both male and female and it is recorded that we, as men and women, are made in His image, in God’s likeness. Our Creator represents both male and female. He certainly knew what He was doing when He created us as image bearers. He did not miss a thing or forget to add something in order for us to connect. Genesis two records that we are bone of bone and flesh of flesh. We are connected and that connection is God-created. We were meant to work together and we were meant to become a single flesh.

My brain as a man tells me to treat my wife as I would another buddy. But my spirit and my heart tell me that this type of thinking will not actually connect with my life partner. While she is interested in my hobbies and my work, she feels far more connected to me when I open up and talk about the people stories from my workplace. She more intently listens when I reveal that the person I was fishing with told me about his daughter’s eating disorder or life-controlling issue.

I can’t help but realize that our Creator knew this. Our Father in heaven who represents both male and female, as well, knows how these two completely different sexes are attracted to what they need in each other, what they can find in one another. A daughter needs her father’s internal connection with her. She needs a dad to hear her heart, to be willing to wait through the expression of details of conversation and to speak words of honor to her in how she is uniquely created and designed. Yes, she can play ball and connect with those outward, “male” expressions, as long as she is also connecting internally.images-1

A son needs his mom to connect with his abilities in skate boarding, in making his first goal and in writing his first computer code. He feels good about accomplishing something and he longs for the female in his life, his mother, to pat him on the back and give him a “Way to go, son.” Yes, women long to connect internally, but don’t misread these male accomplishments as external only. For these accomplishments are us. Perhaps in our way of connecting, we are making ourselves available for the deeper conversations through our external accomplishments. It has to start somewhere.

Men, the women (spouse and daughters) in your life need you to listen, give input only when requested and be given the opportunity to connect in a deeper sense. They need you to tell them they are beautiful, smart and worth loving. When you give them time, you are saying that you value them for who they are and how they are created. And when you are able to actually open up and connect internally, you will have a woman who feels far more complete and honored.

Women, the men (spouse and sons) in your life need you to recognize their accomplishments, joke with them and bless their outward, external achievements. They need to hear you affirm them and how they do what they do better than anyone you know. As you become their personal cheerleader, you will grab their attention and they will feel respected. And if your man feels your respect, you will experience that inner connection you long for.

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Marriage, Parents, Singles, Training

Forgiving One Another

images-13I know of scarcely anything more difficult, more challenging and more humbling than expressing forgiveness. But at the same time, I know of scarcely anything more freeing than forgiveness. In the Holocaust documentary titled Shoah, a Warsaw ghetto victim states, “If you could lick my heart, it would poison you.” Nothing depicts a non-forgiving heart better than that picture. Author Gary Thomas once wrote, “We will be sinned against, and we will be hurt. When that happens, we will have a choice to make: We can give in to our hurt, resentment, and bitterness, or we can grow as a Christian and learn yet another important lesson on how to forgive.”

images-12Forgiving is not something we naturally love to do. Even though we have been forgiven of so much and have fully come short of God’s ideal, we love to withhold forgiveness simply because (we might tell ourselves) the person has not suffered sufficiently for what they did to us. The truth is, One already suffered so we could be forgiven; we must now make the choice to do likewise (See Colossians 3:13). To do anything less is to take a position of critical judgment, freely giving ourselves over to the use of the evil one in heady, heartless self-righteousness.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Eight Pieces of Advice From a Long-term Marriage

images-4A number of years ago I regularly met with a spiritual father, who graciously volunteered to counsel me, read what I was writing and hold me accountable in my walk with Jesus. I loved those sessions from this seasoned man of God who was – over a long and amazing life – a farmer, then a missionary, then a pastor and then a college professor. In one of our meetings he gave me a copy of his musings about how his marriage lasted over six decades. I have listed his eight pieces of advice for you below.

1. We kept on, and on, leaving father and mother, cleaving to one another forming an ever-growing and changing union.

2. We worked hard at thinking about the positives of each other.

3. We sought absolute honesty before God and one another.

4. We embraced and enjoyed God together: serving, being pastors, parenting and worshipping.

5. We sought total spiritual oneness, far more than sexual oneness.

6. We laughed together about our failures and our life. We sought something fun for our relationship on a weekly basis.

7. We held one another accountable concerning risky tendencies.

8. Lastly, we admitted the possibility of “growing apart” in our marriage and committed ourselves to keep working at our abilities to seek periodic renewals, counseling, marriage enrichment, reading books, deepening of empathy and overcoming angers.

There you have it…profound wisdom from a matured marriage in which both partners now live with their Savior.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

15 ways to Make My Husband Feel Secure

images-3Last week we considered 13 ways a wife felt secure within her marriage and I thought it best to not leave the men out of this one. So, here are 15 ways a man can feel secure within his marriage as shared by a husband.

  1. She puts her relationship with God first in her life.
  2. She has a daily devotional time in order to listen to her heavenly Father.
  3. She cares about herself physically and emotionally and the image she reflects.
  4. She loves, cares for and sacrifices for her children unselfishly.
  5. She prioritizes caring for her husband in big and small ways.
  6. She cares for her home, keeping it neat and in order. There is no confusion around her.
  7. She holds her husband’s hand and is affectionate even in a long-term marriage relationship.
  8. She is not trying to change her husband, but accepts him as he is.
  9. She brings a cold drink to her husband when he is working outside in the heat.images-10
  10. She pray’s with and for her husband daily.
  11. She blesses and encourages her husband’s hobbies.
  12. She is her husband’s best friend.
  13. She quickly forgives.
  14. She has eyes and emotions for her husband only and enjoys a healthy sex life with him.
  15. She loves her husband unconditionally and tells him daily.

Go on a date and ask your husband what helps him to feel secure in your marriage relationship. You may be surprised by what you hear.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Making Her Feel Secure 13 Different Ways

I recently asked a very godly woman what makes her feel secure in her marriage.  She shared these thirteen things about her husband:images-5

 

  1. My husband loves and prioritizes God as #1 in his life.
  2. My husband spends time daily with his Savior in the Bible and in prayer.
  3. My husband is committed to me, to our marriage; he speaks this regularly and often tells me that he loves me.
  4. I have a home that is safe for my children, others and me. My husband built this home with his own hands and labor of love and there is a spirit of peace that resides in our home.
  5. My husband has lived by Biblical financial values and made sure that we are not in debt; all the while, investing into our future. Our bills are paid and we have a savings account.
  6. My husband affirms me – my gifts, my passions and my contributions. He affirms my work, my person and my beauty.
  7. My husband has always believed in me, encouraged me and encouraged the gifts that God has placed in my life.
  8. I can truly trust my husband because he incorporates strict codes of behavior and boundimages-19aries concerning relationship with the opposite sex.
  9. My husband is faithful with his eyes – he does not view pornography, but uses self-control and is honorable.
  10. He is really good with people and I trust him to speak life, wisdom and grace-filled counsel.
  11. He prays with me and for me.
  12. He encourages me to hear God for myself.
  13. He encourages me to express my gift of giving.

What would your wife share if you asked her what helps her feel secure within your marriage? Better yet, go out on a date and ask that very question.

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