Category Archives: Marriage

Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

The Value of Kissing

Kissing. Who knew its scientific value? Who could imagine that this form of affection actually brought comfort, security, emotional satisfaction and even released feel good endorphins?

In a Psychology Today article from 2023, key lessons were explored when it came to kissing. There were obvious, predictable and emotionally boosting improvements discovered in the relationships that prioritize kissing. 

First, what does a kiss do? It is a sensual connection within marriage that communicates affection and even deepens the relationship. Kissing reduces stress, tension and anxiety. Kissing boosts our immune systems through the trading of saliva. Kissing releases dopamine to improve one’s mood and foster more contentment. It is a non-verbal form of communication that speaks volumes, especially on the romantic side of marriage. 

The article went on to share, “A skilled kisser is more likely to be in sync with their partner’s needs…and it promotes higher levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.” Why? Because kissing is not just a physical connection but it also connects us emotionally. It is being in the moment with your mate. When we kiss, we are continuing to build a healthy relationship, an emotional charge and a physiological enhancement to our marriage. 

These are all psychological benefits that improve our overall marriage satisfaction and should never be underestimated as a powerful tool for keeping the flame burning. Regardless of how long you are married, don’t lose the art, the connection and the value of a kiss.

Kiss when you leave the house.

Kiss when you return.

Kiss when praying together.

Kiss as you retire for the evening.

Kiss in front of the children and kiss for no reason at all.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Women and Pornography

It’s easy to assume that mostly men, young and older, have issues with pornography viewing. But the truth is, more and more women and young girls are getting caught in this addiction as well. Truthfully, the battle with sexual sins affects both men and women, boys and girls.

  • United Families International reports that 1 in 3 porn viewers are women. 
  • Barna Group has revealed that 63% of men aged 18-30 view pornography several times per week while 33% of women do the same.
  • 40 million Americans claim to be regular visitors to porn sites.
  • The computer program Covenant Eyes reports that men prefer images and women prefer erotic stories and romance sites.
  • Six in ten young adults (age 18-24 males and females) seek out porn daily, weekly or monthly. (Barna)

It’s not new. In the Old Testament of the Bible, there was a woman named Gomer who was pretty well known to be unrestrained when it came to sexual misconduct. In spite of her lifestyle, the Lord instructed Hosea, her husband, to show his love to her even as the Lord loved Israel. (Hosea 3:1) 

In John chapter eight we are told the story of an adulterous woman who according to the customs of the day should have been stoned to death. Jesus, to her rescue, told those watching and waiting to throw those stones, said they could do just that…if they had no sin themselves. Every person in this biblical scene dropped their rocks because we all have sinned (Romans 3:23). Jesus did not condemn her, but did say she was to go and “sin no more” (John 8:11).

Sexual sin is not new and it can affect every one of us. But, it can also be forgiven and dealt with by our Savior because He took (endured) our shame, our sorrows and our sins on the cross (Hebrews 12:2). Therein lies our answer. Like Gomer and the adulterous woman Jesus addressed, He will convict us of our wrongdoing rather than condemning us. Conviction comes to show us or to underline our sin so we will seek forgiveness through His cross and be cleansed of our sin. 

To be honest, I believe the cultures we live in today push this lifestyle. When nothing is sacred, when God-given morals are made fun of, and when there is no example of biblically held values on our TV’s and movie entertainment, it is no wonder generation after generation becomes more and more numb to sexual erotica and sexual exposure. To the world around us, it’s simply one more form of entertainment, even sometimes referred to as educational!

This “entertainment” is destroying children, teens and marriages. Sex trafficking has now become the largest issue around the world today. Pornography use directly feeds this issue. 

Men need healing and support groups, but so do women. Yes, women are betrayed by men and husbands who are involved in pornography, but pornography use among women is growing rapidly. God designed sex, not for sin, but rather to be something sacredly held within marriage where one man is committed to one woman.

God’s design of sex carries no regrets, no diseases, and no shame with it. 

Adam and his wife both were naked, and they felt no shame (Genesis 2:25).

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Small Groups, Training, Women

A Marriage Mentoring Group is Born

Multiple younger couples were either coming to us or we were having them over to our home for a meal. It seemed apparent they were looking for marriage mentors, a spiritual mom and dad to walk with them and share some helpful marriage principles. 

And so, it began. Ten groups and ten years later we are still excited about marriage mentoring. We grab four couples, hand picking them to invite to our group. They should not be on the verge of divorce or in desperate need of counseling. This is not a counseling group. This is a group that receives care, concern and input, but also gives it to the other couples. It is their group, not ours. My wife and I are the facilitators. 

We use our book Staying Together, Marriage: A Lifelong Affair and go through it chapter by chapter. We begin in February and end the following January on a weekend retreat together. We meet once per month on a Tuesday evening with dinner together; everyone helps with the meal. 

That first hour around the table is full of reporting about the last month, prayer requests, jokes and laughter, fun and fellowship. The following two hours are in our living room sharing our experiences and questions in marriage provoked by the reading assignment. We laugh, we cry and we pray. We talk, we get passionate and we get real about our lives as married couples. 

Mary, my wife says, “This is my very favorite group all month. We love these ‘kids’ and we love their authentic, truth-filled responses.” If you are a happily married, seasoned couple with a heart for marriage, you can duplicate this very group. Young couples are just waiting to be asked. They are a hungry generation looking for help to succeed in their marriages. They long for parents who will encourage them, tell them they’re wrong at times and provide loving examples to them. The book will help you and guide you with plenty of questions, but it will take a back seat to the relationships that are built. 

Do you want the divorce statistics to decrease? Then take my challenge and start your own marriage mentoring group. Meet consistently once a month for one year and you will change lives and build memories for a lifetime. 

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Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Leave and Cleave; Have You Left Your Parents?

I distinctly remember when each of our children left their family home for good. It is never a matter of will they leave, but rather a matter of when and how they will leave. Be assured, they will one day leave and the test of all that you taught them will begin. 

God instructed the newlywed to “leave and cleave.” It was a pretty clear command to leave father and mother. But it was not a command to lose relationship in the process. More so, it was a command to switch one’s loyalty from their parents to their spouse. 

Have you “left” your parents? And, what boundaries have you set in place? Here are some boundaries that my wife and I agreed to early in our marriage. 

  • We would never mention the “D” word–divorce.
  • We would not return to our parent’s home and leave or separate from our spouse.
  • We would not maintain a dependency upon our parents in anyway, i.e., financially or emotionally.
  • We would never speak disrespectfully about our spouse to our parents.
  • We would not allow our parents or extended family to speak negatively about our spouse. 
  • We would not share our spouses weaknesses with anyone unless we empower that person to help us with that weakness.
  • We would establish our own traditions and traditional visits to family.
  • We would not expect any kind of inheritance from our families.
  • We would not borrow money from our parents unless our parents approached us, we agreed with them and agreed to the terms and conditions.
  • We would not allow the influence of a parent to outweigh the influence of our spouse.
  • We would always honor our parents, but our first loyalty would be to one another.
  • We would always maintain a spirit of respect toward our parents even if we disagreed with them.
  • We would listen to their counsel and apply it as we agreed together to do.
  • We would care for them together as they aged.

There could certainly be a lot more areas to agree upon, but I think you get the idea. Obviously clear, open and honest communication is necessary to maintain an attitude of honor and affirmation toward your parents while at the same time finding your way as a “leaving and cleaving” couple.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Intimacy Anorexia

It’s not my term. Author and speaker Dr. Doug Weiss coined the term and states it’s why some people “actively withhold emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy” from their partner. He writes that some of those issues can be identified as:

  • Keeping themselves busy with child care, household tasks, technology or work. Too busy for you, but not others.
  • Blaming you [or others] for the loss of intimacy rather than exploring potential patterns in their own behavior.
  • Withholding love, especially in the way you desire to receive it.
  • They stop complementing you.
  • Have little to no interest in sex.
  • Show little interest in connecting on a spiritual level.
  • Avoid talking about their feelings and not connecting on an emotional level.
  • Treat you more like a roommate and not a romantic partner.
  • Have money control issues or desire to control the money.
  • Have anger outbursts, ignore you or give you the silent treatment.

Wiess states it doesn’t take all these issues, maybe just five of them to experience sexual anorexia. He believes many persons who survive some form of sexual abuse will respond in this way to their marriage partners. 

Further, these relationships can be full of frequent criticism, including criticism of things one cannot change. 

Persons who exhibit these types of behaviors have more than likely experienced something traumatic in their growing up years. In their adult world, however, they are attempting to avoid the pain of their misguided view by avoiding intimacy. 

Intimacy requires trust in a relationship. It requires vulnerability. It requires safety and, of course, that all important ingredient: love.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage brings glory to God.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage draws marriages closer to God and one another.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage is always centered on your spouse.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage promotes deeper love, commitment and pleasure.

If you find yourself battling with any of the above descriptions of intimacy anorexia, please see a counselor who is familiar with the subject.  

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Children, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Singles

DINK’S – Have you Heard About Them?

It’s our culture’s latest attempt at trying to minimize what has historically been the norm when it comes to marriage. With couples marrying older and having fewer children, DINK’S have now become a thing.

What is a D.I.N.K? It’s an acronym: Double Income No Children.

Yep, more and more couples are opting for “wealth” and “freedom” over bearing and raising children. Is it selfishly motivated? Maybe. 

(Note: This is not a blog for those who long for children and who have been unable to conceive or where there are physical complications. For you, we grieve.) 

It sounds nice, even inviting to have more financial resources to travel, to buy nice things, to have money left over at the end of the month and to max out that 401K. But, what are they missing?

DINKS are missing out on a monumental part of life – bearing and raising children. The joy of children; the parental self-maturing of raising children; the personal pain and emotional ups and downs of child raising. Perhaps in your 30’s you’ll never miss out on children, but when you’re in your 50’s, I guarantee you it will be a different story. 

How will you look back on your life without the legacy of raising kids to adults? Further, you’ll never know or experience grandparenting.

Finally, what happens when you come to the end of your life? Who will be there? Where will all of the “stuff” you’ve collected go? Who will care for you and visit you if you need to be in a retirement home, while all of your friends and extended family are themselves passing? 

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” (Psalm 127:3)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Marriage Disappointment

Marriage is never 100% awesome and amazing. It’s hard sometimes and sometimes we say the wrong things. Sometimes we think the wrong things or do the wrong things. For everyone who is married, we are all on a learning path, a growing path. If your marriage has become critical or stale, it’s up to you to change that. If your marriage has become a disappointment in some form or fashion, perhaps you’ve veered from the path and have lost your way on the journey. 

The story is told that in his later years the legendary Babe Ruth had became overweight, slower, and struck out far more frequently. The baseball fans began to jeer him.

Apparently, the displeasure of the fans got to a small boy who leaped over the railing and ran onto the field to wrap his arms around the legs of this declining athlete. With tears plentiful in his eyes, the little boy expressed his love for the man that he knew he once was. The Babe picked the little boy up and embraced him as well. Together they walked hand in hand to the dugout. The crowd’s displeasure turned to cheers for the display of unconditional love on the field that day.

Your marital love is like that picture. Our marriage becomes “overweight” or “slower” and we “strike out” sometimes with our words and our actions or lack thereof. We fail each other occasionally. We make errors in the game of marriage and we disappoint one another. 

But regardless of how we may feel, every once in a while we need to wrap our arms around each other and express our undying love and remain faithfully on the journey of growing older together. 

                HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Marriage Issues are “Our” Issues

Someone recently commented to my wife and I, “Wow, it encourages us to know that Steve and Mary had marriages issues too.” They were reading about our marriage in our book, Staying Together. We laughed as we confessed there is no perfect couple or perfect marriage.

In the book, we describe something traumatic that occurred to Mary, my wife. And in the book, we described how it affected our marriage for several years. 

An issue Mary was dealing with became a marriage issue because we are one. What affects Mary affects Steve; what affects Steve affects Mary. 

I could have gone on in life and lived in a manner that blamed her for the issue. I could have told her to get counseling for herself without me by her side. I could have distanced myself from the issues that were causing other issues and simply said, “It’s your problem; get it fixed.”

But is that the right approach in marriage? Is that showing marital commitment? Is that caring for another’s needs? Husbands and wives take this approach everyday saying, “It’s not my problem.” But if we’re married–if we’re one–then it is not his or her problem, it is our problem. When I make it my spouse’s problem, I am saying that I do not need to change, I do not need to support them and I do not need to be concerned. But, when I make it our problem, we are then walking and working together toward solutions and a better and a stronger outcome.

Marriage is a gift of oneness. There are three mentions of oneness in the scriptures: God the Father, Son and Spirit are one. Jesus and His church are one. A husband and a wife are one. 

As one, individual problems become our problems. So, get in there and fight for and alongside your spouse through each and every life issue. Find solutions together. Walk together and pray together. And to that end, find agreement together over any and all life issues.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Conflict in our Marriages: Why We have Them

Conflict is easy; resolve is hard!

Most of us know how to do conflict, argue, disagree and/or fight, but few of us know how to resolve, come into agreement and heal conflict in our marriages. That’s what this blog is about. So, let’s start with a few facts:

  1. Even in conflict we need to maintain a right attitude toward one another. Conflict is not always detrimental in marriage, but it does test our faith, our patience and our personal level of grace. According to the scripture, it also develops character (Romans 5:3-5; James 1: 2-4). In marriage, we are often “using” one another to help smooth out our character. Our conflicts can be (will be?) deeper because our love is deeper.
  1. James said to let perseverance finish its work so we can mature. The natural response to conflict is more conflict, a desire to win or bailing out, quitting. But when we push through, pray through and persevere through the trial the outcome will be perseverance doing its work. The problem is too many couples quit, give up and believe it cannot be resolved or they want others to resolve it for them. The truth is the more we persevere, the more victory we will eventually have. Ask any couple who fought through financial differences, persevered, stuck to a budget until they saw the reward and you will find a couple who is extremely strong in the financial realm.
  2. Whatever we sow, we reap. Sowing and reaping is at work in our marriages. If we sow the negative, we will reap it. Typically, we sow discontentment and criticism because we’re not getting what we want. The seed of criticism cannot produce the fruit we’re looking for. In the midst of disagreement think about what good seeds you can sow.
  3. Don’t give the enemy a foothold by not coming to resolve (Ephesians 4:26-27). A marriage that holds bitterness, sows negative seeds and criticism, etc. is not doing what Peter said when he told us to be considerate of our wives and treat them with respect so our prayers are not hindered. In other words, prayer will be powerless in the home of disrespect, discontentment and the lack of peace.
  4. Be aware of what Paul called selfish ambition (Philippians 2:1-2). Most of our conflict is over selfish preferences rather than desiring the best for one another. 
  5. As conflicts are resolved, God uses those areas in our lives to help others. I know that sounds far off, but it’s true. We will have authority to speak into that which we have had to grow through and have experienced winning the battles. Believe God for win/wins.
  6. Lastly, we are to love deeply. I Peter 4:8 tells us “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” Love often means overlooking, forgetting and not pointing out failures. It’s a “keeps no record of wrong” position. 

God wants you to be able to resolve conflict and I believe He gives us the tools to do so. Obviously, we both need to stick to the plan He gives us and press forward believing by faith for His outcome to our marriage as hard as it is at times. Conflicts are not the problem, we all have them, but not resolving them sure is.

Here’s a possible assignment: Write down the common triggers in your relationship that tend to cause conflict and discuss why and how. Ask God to bring healing to those areas in your lives. Remember, your spouse is not your enemy but rather your life mate who loves you and desires the best for you.

The more healed we become individually, the more healing our marriage will experience. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Missing Ingredients in Marriage

Can anyone out there identify with the following scenario?

Early on we really enjoyed our sexual intimacy, the frequency, knowing one another’s likes and dislikes, the freedom that comes from being committed to one person and having the bond of marriage between us. But in time, we lost something. The relationship outside the bedroom began to diminish in multiple ways. We lost the intimacy of conversation, prayer and worship together, and taking walks hand in hand. And yet, one of us still wanted the perk of sexual intimacy. I felt used and even became angry. I remember thinking, “You want me for this, but not for much else in life.” Resentment grew and feelings were hurt. 

I want it back. I want to be madly attracted to him again. I need the intimacy of conversation with each other and with God. I need him to hear my heart and touch my heart as I long to touch his. I want him to lead me and our family toward Christ’s mission for us.

What’s the impasse about? Where exactly does the silent frustration stem from? Is it purely a sexual need? 

What we want and desire most in marriage is connectedness, oneness toward our co-mission, and concern for one another’s spiritual care. How do I know this? Paul wrote in Colossians 1:28-29 that his biggest concern for his fellow believers and disciples was, “…to awaken hearts and bring every person into the full understanding of truth. It has become my inspiration and passion in ministry to labor with a tireless intensity, with his power flowing through me, to present to every believer the revelation of being his perfect one in Jesus Christ.” (TPT)

When we prioritize building Christ in our mate, we will connect in all the ways we as human beings, husbands and wives need and desire that connection to take place. From the yard to the bedroom, this connection hinges on our spiritual connections each and every day.

Are you praying and worshipping together? As you do, you will connect spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

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