Category Archives: Postmarital

Marriage, Postmarital

Sacrificial Love in Marriage

images-21I was in graduate school full-time and I worked 40 plus hours a week in the field of social work. We had just given birth to our third child. I was missing in action from home. When I wasn’t in class or at my job I found myself in a library studying and writing papers. This life process went on for two and one half years. For two and one half years I watched my wife run the household, give birth to our third child, balance the budget while living on a “poverty” level income and edit, as well as, type (manually) all of my weekly papers. It was servanthood at its best, a genuine sacrificial love. I never once heard her complain about her life at the time. She believed in the goal and she sacrificed to help get me there. When graduation day finally arrived I confessed to her that the degree earned was as much hers as it was mine, we earned it. images-22

Sacrificial love is unselfish love. Unselfish love is mature love. To have a partner in the marriage sacrifice almost three years of “normal” family life for the goal of their mate…well, that is borderline supernatural. Love will do that you know. Love will give everything and at the same time sacrifice personal pleasure. Love will be patient and kind. Love will not be jealous of a life mate’s goals, nor will it be proud or rude when a life mate fails in their goal. Love will not demand its own way and through the process will not be irritable, give up or lose faith. Sacrificial love is always hopeful and never looks back in regret. Thank you, Mary, for your sacrificial love and exhibiting to me First Corinthians chapter thirteen. I am a blessed man!blind healed 012

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

What Does it Take to Reach Forty Years and Beyond III

I lied.  Not exactly, but here are five more ways we realized that we missed in the first ten. Adding one more blog on the same subject is risky, but it all keeps adding up. It seems marriage is threatened in so many ways today, that to read anything which offers help and hope is encouraging. So, we submit to you our final five marriage priorities that Mary and I realize were so important to us plus a bonus.1C6A0375

 

  1. What we experience today is a direct result of how well we walked out our marriage in earlier years. We are now in our 60’s and realize that how we prioritized our relationship in our 20’s, our 30’s and our 40’s directly reflects upon where we are today. What seeds we sowed then are being reaped in our relationship today. Sow good seeds.
  2. Procrastination will kill a relationship. Taking care of issues as soon as is possible is best. Don’t wait until they become worse or compound through procrastination. At the same time, I had to honor Mary as she processed the issues before she could confront them. Meanwhile, I needed to deal with myself.
  3. Make your marriage a higher priority than the issue. Issues will come and go in a marriage, sometimes daily. Make sure you keep your relationship ahead of the problems. In other words, do not make the problems more important than the fact that you are married for a lifetime. Even in disagreement, Mary and I would strive for alignment.
  4. Never stop investing in your marriage. We went to seminars, read books, listened to teaching series and sought out help from those we respected to speak into our marriage. We were open with others about our mistakes.
  5. There are seasons that are dull, boring and gasping for air. Persevere through those; accept them as a bit normal, but work toward providing freshness in as many ways as you can. Admitting that we are in one of those seasons is the best place to start.

Bonus: Find a challenging mission outside yourselves and your family. We lead a small group, do premarital counseling, share in seminars together, have served on mission teams and did outreach to the homeless in Philadelphia. Marriages need a mission focus outside themselves; it keeps our passion and our compassion alive.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

What Does it Take to Reach Forty Years of Marriage and Beyond? II

In the last blog entry, we shared the first five of ten priorities in our marriage developed over the last forty years. Here are the remaining five for your consideration.

1. Love trumps all. We discovered that when there is any level of fear in the marriage relationship love has decreased in some way. Where there is love, fear will not be present.  We learned to keep loving even when we were scared of something negative going on in our relationship. Love grows security while fear breeds insecurity.

2. We chose each other. We didn’t wake up one day and find ourselves married. We made a choice to get married; we were not forced into the decision. We spoke vows of promise by our own free will. Through the worst of times, no matter how angry or disappointed we may become with our mate, we must remember that this is the person I chose to become one with and becoming one is a life long journey.

3. We will not be victims and blame each other. We must take responsibility for our own actions toward change. Victims look for someone to blame rather than take the more difficult road of life change. I cannot change my spouse; I can only change me. We chose to never be victims by blaming the other for our personal issues.

4. Sex is loving; lust is taking. We call it “love making,” not “love taking.” Lust is insatiable while love satisfies. Being sexual as a married couple not only provided intimacy, it also provided physical, emotional and spiritual bonding for us. Sex within the boundaries of marriage is a bonding agent as we serve our mate in meeting their sexual desires.

5. It’s all His. We are stewards of everything we own including our savings account, our 401k’s, our car and our home. Being a steward means we hold it lightly, it’s not ours. All we have belongs to God; therefore, we can also give freely. We are givers because we have received so much. We are blessed because we have never been able to out give our God. We have continually maintained a budget and moved in agreement to eliminate debt from our union.1C6A0369

Bonus: Tell her/him that you love them in every email, every text message, every phone conversation, every morning and every night. Keep buying greeting cards, sending love notes and finding small gifts to share. Keep holding hands, hugging and kissing. Forgive quickly.

Steve and Mary

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

What Does it Take to Reach Forty Years of Marriage and Beyond?

Now that you know Mary and I have celebrated 40 years of marriage, we have asked ourselves how we got this far. Of course, it goes without saying it is totally the grace of God. That realized, let us give you ten priorities (five per week) that to us were/are non – negotiable after saying “I do.”

1. We determined to never and I do mean never mention the ‘D’ word. Divorce was determined to not be an option for us. We decided that there wasn’t anything that we could not work through with some help from others.

2. Our first love and our first priority was to love God with all of our heart and soul and then love one another. He would give us the ability to love our life mate in a way that our flesh and soul was not capable of doing.

3. Our marriage would come before our children, our ministry, our jobs and other life commitments. We would continue to date, take weekends away and not allow the oneness of marriage to be stolen from us.

4. We would have fun and keep laughing with one another. Humor is a medicine to relationship. When we stop having fun we can begin to take our career, our finances, our goals and ourselves too seriously.1C6A0380

5. We would keep prayer and communication as a priority. Nothing is more intimate than praying together. When you pray, you reveal your heart and when you reveal your heart, you are communicating your deepest feelings to God and one another.

Bonus:  Having less materially and being content is true wealth in life, love and relationship!

Next week we’ll give you five more priorities plus a bonus one.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Getting Married and Hot Times

It just had to be the hottest day of the spring of 1975. Sweating in my long sleeve shirt, rented navy blue suit jacket and bow tie in the non air-conditioned church building was an obvious concern.  I was 20 years young and she just turned 21. My father was against this union while her father gave us his blessing and approval to marry. Of course, he wanted hIMG_1105is daughter to finish nursing college, as did I for different (financial:) reasons. The wedding ceremony started, my bride, so lovely in her high neck gown, came down the aisle toward me. And then it seemed the ceremony might not end anytime soon as the preacher decided to take advantage of the many relatives and attendees who perhaps looked like they needed a Savior. Finally we spoke our vows and had ceremonially become one.

I truly do not remember much else from that day. The fresh fruit salad, potato salad and lunchmeat were pretty good, as the older church ladies who tend to do such things prepared it. The basement where the reception was held was a bit cooler. We had already lost a number of our guests from the heat of the unrelenting sermon spoken by the gray-haired pastor and the temperature in the sanctuary. The two combined were just too much for some, like one of my work mates who was on a lot of illegal drugs at that time. But what I do remember on that May 24th of 40 years ago was that I knew that I knew I was to marry my soul mate, Mary Elizabeth Mohr. I had not one single doubt that this decision was led by God and that I was obeying God by saying “I do” that day. As we soon celebrate our 40th anniversary, I still do, Mary.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer

Seven Secrets to Save Your Marriage

  1. images-9Keep dating. Just because you have said, “I do” does not mean the dating scene for you as a couple is over. Keep the fire lit by spending time alone doing what the two of you love to do together. Continue having fun!
  2. Get a weekend away. Once a quarter or at the very least, twice a year take a weekend away together. Travel a short distance and get away from your home, the kids and your local environment by staying at a hotel or a bed and breakfast. It will help the two of you to get back to the two of you.
  3. Drink coffee. A pastor friend of mine once told me, “Coffee saved our marriage.” Wondering what on earth he meant he went on to explain that taking time together over coffee to simply listen to one another was a marriage lifesaver. Their short coffee dates provoked the kind of communication and connection they needed.images-10
  4. Stay sexual. Do not allow busyness, children, jobs or ministry to steal intimacy from you. Stay sexually connected because it is unhealthy to do otherwise. If you need to, make a schedule for sex and agree to frequency. A schedule will actually bring freedom to both of you. Why not, you schedule everything else in life. (I Cor. 7:3,4)
  5. Pray together. In our book, Called Together, we state that the most intimate thing you can be involved in with another human being is to pray together. When we pray, really pray, we reveal our hearts to each other. To reveal our heart to God and one another on a regular basis is to remain spiritually connected. Nothing says oneness like prayer together. (Matthew 18:19)
  6. Praise in public; construct in private. Speak words of life and affirmation to your spouse, especially when in public. Let the world around you know that this person is the one (the only one) and that you are madly in love with him/her. When we have constructive words to share keep them full of grace while maintaining a position of humility, always speaking them in private.images-11 copy
  7. Respect one another. Disrespect is rampant in our culture and it’s unattractive and ungodly. To show respect is literally to show honor and who on this earth does not want to feel honor, especially from the one they love?

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife [spouse] of your youth. (Proverbs 5:18)

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Encouragement, Marriage, Parents, Postmarital

Oh, Those Cutting Remarks

I heard a pretty humorous story that went something like the following. A wife was begging her husband to take her to her High School reunion of 25 years. Reluctantly, he finally gave in to the idea that he also knew was going to be a bust for him. After meeting a few of her friends and former classmates, he just sat at the table yawning, alone and bored to death. Pretty soon the band hired for the evening cranks up and a few persons are beginning to dance. But there is this one character that is on the dance floor just living it up large, break dancing, moon dancing, back flips…the works. Soon his wife returns to their table, sits beside her husband, leans over and says, “See that awesome ‘life of the party’ guy up there?” “Well, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” Abruptly her husband turns to her and quips, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!images-8

Funny? Yes, but cutting. How often have you used humor to bring some kind of indirect and at times hurtful message to your spouse? I have been guilty of it I’m sorry to say. When you make fun of or put down your spouse, you are making fun of and putting yourself down. You are one. There are plenty of hurts already coming from relatives, the work place and others. You and I do not need to “pile on.” Cutting remarks do not change anyone, they are embarrassing, belittling and are words of death. Jesus said it this way, “The Spirit gives life…the words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life.” Speak words of life today to your spouse, to your children, to your co-workers and to your neighbors.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ultimate Compliment, but the Scariest One

images-10I was listening to a wife complain about her husband’s lack of attention toward her with him sitting right there in front of us. It was a bit awkward, but not nearly as awkward as the next emotionally charged sentence she blurted out, which went something like this: “Why can’t you be more like Steve in this area?” Her husband’s response was to then give me this forlorn look, while his eyes searched for the correct answer from his memory bank. He sheepishly spoke, “Yea, she often says to me, ‘what would Steve do in this situation?”’ I was floored, embarrassed and wanted to be anywhere but there. While I know it was in some weird way a compliment, it felt so… I don’t know…comparing, negative and unhealthy? I sat there speechless at first, feeling his pain. He was being compared with someone who he is not, is never going to be and is not created to be.Roter und Grüner Apfel

Finally gathering myself, I turned and looked at her and spoke forthrightly. I began, “Your husband is not me and should never be expected to be me. While we each have traits that reveal Jesus in us, it is Him that we are to emulate. Your husband will not change by you comparing him to another man, in fact, it only serves to humiliate him and that is not a godly trait. Please do not use my name in that way as I am a very imperfect man and I will fail you.”

The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives. (Proverbs 27: 21)

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Pursuing Sexual Wholeness in Marriage II

images-6Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways. Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really. Women feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing. It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world. It brings insecurities to her and can destroy her esteem. She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover. She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal.

Men, however, often view pornography as innocent, a fix for loneliness or not having a sexual partner that agrees with his desires. Men rationalize and justify their behavior by attempting to call it the “normal behavior” of a man who is simply visual. However, the act of viewing pornography is highly addictive in which some psychologist state that it is like a crack cocaine addiction. Over time it does not diminish, but tends to intensify. It can interfere in a man’s ability to function at home with his family, at work and of course in the bedroom.

One thing we know from God, His love is completely satisfying. One thing we know from the evil one is that lust is insatiable and can NEVER be satisfied. Pornography and lust are a drive to serve oneself rather than ones life mate or others. To speak very directly and candidly to the casual or the constant viewer: By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and you are helping it to grow. The porn industry is supplying what you’re looking for.  You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world. You are adding to the sin of human trafficking. You are saying ‘yes’ to a multi-billion dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent women, men and children and can even lead to their abduction or death. You are helping to destroy those trapped in this industry, your marriage, your own family and yourself.images-3 Unbelievably, you attempt to excuse it and rationalize it when I Corinthians 6: 13 says, “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord…” v. 18 – “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” Ephesians 5: 3 – “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity…”

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Pornography and Pursuing Sexual Wholeness in Your Marriage (part I)

imagesA nationally conducted survey among churches over the past five years revealed that 68% of men and 50% of pastors view pornography regularly (Pure Desire Ministries, 2009). But, the most shocking was that 11-17 year old boys reported being the greatest users. Pornography in our country is a 4 billion dollar industry. More money is spent on pornography than pro baseball, pro basketball, pro football and the Super bowl combined per year. Eleven thousand adult films are produced per year, which is 20 times the number of regular media films coming out of Hollywood. The issue is sweeping through the church and with the present younger generation being exposed and involved, it is epidemic.

As the church today, we tell men and women caught up in this issue that it is solely a moral issue, but studies are showing that it is also a brain issue. So telling men and women to study more, pray more and simply to think pure thoughts is like telling a heroin addict to just stop thinking about and pursuing his drug.  Studies are now indicating that when we are involved in sexual activity the brain releases a chemical called Oxytocin, along with other chemicals, it is the glue to human bonding.  When we watch pornography, powerful neurotransmitters such as dopamine are also released and our brain then takes those images and creates a bond, actually interfering with human bonding and sexuality. Dr. Tim Jennings, a neuropsychologist says that any type of repetitive behavior will create trails in our brain that fire on automatic sequence. So men and women who truly love Jesus with all of their heart can be in sexual bondage from the enemy due to viewing pornography repeatedly.images-3

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do… I Peter 1:13-15

God desires us to bond with our life mate sexually while the enemy desires us to be in bondage to sexually explicit material.  We will continue with this subject in future blogs.

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