Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number Four: The Six Most Difficult Words to Say in Marriage

Why is it so easy to apologize to the person on the street when you bump into him?  How can apologies come flying out of your mouth so fast with a complete stranger?  Why is it so difficult to say that you are sorry to your spouse when you “bump” into their emotions or unknowingly hit a sensitive issue?  To the stranger on the street, we have nothing invested; the relationship is nonexistent and therefore an easy apology surfaces.  To the one you have invested your life into, that’s a different story.  What are the six most difficult words in marriage?  In my opinion they are: “I am sorry, I was wrong.”  To make it nine words add, “…please forgive me.”

There is an amazing question in chapter four verse one of the book of James, “What cause fights and quarrels among you?”  Think back to the last words of disagreement you had with your spouse.  The next verse reveals the desire of that disagreement.  “You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and you covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.”  At the core of conflict is a desire for something and it may actually be a good desire.  But when we do not get the response we’re looking for, James says we then take selfish means to make it happen.  In our human nature, we quarrel and we fight because we are forgetting a very important step – asking God.  The sooner we come together to “ask God” the fewer times we’ll have to say the six, no the nine, most difficult words.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number 3: Honor

Thirty seven years of marriage can teach you lots of things.  When we spoke our vows to one another, to God and to those who witnessed our wedding, we were young, could not see any sickness ahead or any major bumps in the road.  We went as far as to say that we would honor each other.  Honor, what an interesting word?  How does a 21-year-old comprehend honor?  Romans 12 says to honor one another above yourself.  Selfishly, I couldn’t wait to be married for all of the benefits.  In the Greek, the word for honor is, “temay” and it means to give of your time for another to be more important than you are (not quite the definition of selfishness).

In selfishness, we naturally dishonor in word and deed.  We use “put downs,” joke about our mate, neglect their needs, are lacking in affection, and want to talk rather than listen.  Further, homes that do not honor God and give Him first place will as well lack honor within the marriage relationship (see John 5:23 & 12:26).  Children will not honor their parents when honor is missing within the marriage.  Dishonor comes easily while honor comes with sacrifice of one’s self.  To honor is to serve, to speak life and encouragement.  It is to esteem and to respect.  It is to see the queen in every woman and the king in every man.  Honor focuses on the gifts and strengths and acknowledges them out loud.  Honor defends, believes in and stands guard over one’s life mate.  As you choose to give and show honor, it will change your marriage and your life.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number Two: Marriage is NOT about me

Do you know what the number one break-up of marriage is?  I do not believe it’s finances, sex, communication or even incompatibility (whatever that is).  I have come to believe that the number one break-up of marriage is selfishness.  Selfishness is at the core of the fall of man; it is at the core of each of us from infancy.  We want what we want and our culture reinforces that we can have it.  But marriage is not a once and done decision to get what we want.  It is not like working toward a college degree that once all assignments are handed in and tests passed, we’ve completed it and we’re finished.  Someone has said that marriage is like entering kindergarten; it’s the beginning.  When we enter kindergarten we soon discover that we are not the center of the universe and we do not get our needs met first.  We must learn to share, be kind to others and cooperate with the educational program or we will never learn a thing.

I have seen guys take better care of their cars than their wife.  I have observed women who bend over backwards to accommodate and care for their children, while clearly delivering a message to their husbands that they are of lesser priority than the children.  Philippians 2:3 & 4 states, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but consider others [your spouse?] better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”  It literally means to serve another or put their needs before your own.  Marriage is not about having your needs met, however; it is about meeting the needs of another, your spouse.  Can you imagine a relationship where both husband and wife are putting God first and then placing their spouse second as a life priority? That kind of marriage can begin today with you.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

The next ten weeks will include a series on our evaluation of marriage after 37 years of saying, “I still do.”   This is not simply reflection, but key ingredients that we feel are non-negotiable for the most amazing future.  While they are simple and not new revelation, the question will continually be, “Are we walking in them?”

Number One: Put God First

Jesus in Matthew 22: 36-39 told us to love God first and then love our neighbor as ourselves.  How do we love a neighbor, a spouse, a child or a friend without first knowing and receiving God’s love for ourselves?  When we know His love, He becomes our identity, our esteem, then and only then can we love others as we love ourselves.  Domestic violence is the number one crime against the family today.  How can one who has vowed to love as Christ loves His church possibly hit, harm or abuse their spouse in any way?  The answer is through self-hate.  Jail cells are full of self-haters and marriages are inundated with those who cannot love their spouse because they do not know and have not received a revelation of God’s love for themselves.

Before loving your spouse, before loving your children, your ministry and your job we need to love God and make Him Lord of our lives.  Marriage issues are individual issues.  As we love God first and allow Him to provide ongoing healing in our lives, we will at the same time discover ongoing healing in our marriage.  This relationship with God being our number one priority makes Him the bonding agent to your relationship.  Men, if you seriously desire to walk in this truth, your wife will become more secure, more trusting and more joyful with you as her leader.  Ladies, if you place God first, your husband will become more attracted, more understanding, more content and more open to you and to your wisdom.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Marriage Similarities vs. Marriage Differences

Remember when you were dating your spouse and you just knew that you had all things in common?  You found so many similar interests; so many shared ways of doing life.  Then you got married.  Soon you began to discover how different you were from the one you were convinced was just like you.  It was the similarities that brought you together and then, at that point, many couples are deceived into thinking that it is the dissimilarities or differences that begin to tear them apart.  Actually, the opposite is true.

It is the dissimilarities that once embraced actually become your strengths.  You begin to discover that your spouse is different, but in a way that adds to who you are rather than detracting from who you are.  Their strength may even be your weakness while your strengths help to complete them.   Two persons becoming one who are not the same or similar in all things makes for a stronger, healthier and more balanced union.  My wife will often see things a bit different from how I do and I need that view, as she needs mine.  Together, embracing the God-given differences, we are one powerful force.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Husbands Caring for the Soul of Their Wives through Love II

Does caring for the soul of your life mate sound too intense or maybe too, I don’t know… God like?  Do you think this is only God’s job or your pastor’s mission?  It would be like saying, “I’ll care for my children, but when it comes to their education my only job is to get them to the school bus.”  Is loving your wife connected in any way to your wife’s emotional health?  If a man cannot identify his own emotional needs, how can he identify his wife’s?  (That’s a legitimate question.)  What is an emotional need anyway?

As men, we want to go to a tangible numbering scale or to the provide side of work and a pay check, but these do not touch her emotional needs.  We think if we have a good 401K account and a plan for retirement, we’ve done our job.  In his book, Tender Warrior, Stu Weber writes, “As men we so often misplace our vision.  We focus myopically on houses and cars and stock portfolios and bank accounts and piling up stuff.  We revert to the things we can see, when in fact it is the unseen world…where we ought to be majoring in our provision.”   It is the “unseen world” of relational needs.  Ask your wife the question, “What are your top five emotional needs?”  Then ask yourself how you are caring for her soul to help meet those needs.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Husbands Caring for the Soul of Their Wives through Love

I am sending this out early since I will be unavailable for a few days next week. 

Men, imagine this scenario:  You finally arrive in heaven and are now standing before God as He asks you, “When you were on earth, how did you care for my daughter, your wife?”  Further, He questions, “Did you love her as my Son loved His church, giving up His life to make her holy?”  You stammer out a,”Well, yes, but…”  All the while, thinking this is all sounding kind of familiar.  Ephesians 5:25 admonishes husbands to love their wives as Christ loved His church and gave Himself for her.  Further, the scripture reveals that Christ will present His church as a “radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish.”  In verse 28 we read, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies…He who loves his wife loves himself.”

Could, “in this same way,” actually mean that as Christ would present His bride, we would present our wife?  If we could take this literally or simply imagine this to someday be the case, then ask yourself the question, “What will I present?”  Clearing your throat, your lips begin to move without thinking too deeply and you stumble out with, “Ah here she is, Lord, I only became angry with her a couple dozen times, called her a few not-so-nice names, cursed a time or two, slammed a few doors, walked out on her on several occasions, refused to help much around the house and told jokes at her expense.”  God looks at you and queries, “Really, you just didn’t love yourself very much then did you?”  Your head sinks when from your spirit comes the words, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.”

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Winning Him/Her Through a Deepening Love

Have you ever taken the time to watch two young people dance around one another, flirting, looking, waiting, watching, laughing and touching?  It’s kind of fun to observe and if you think hard enough you can remember those days in your progression of life.  In this decade, he is spending time at the gym buffing up, getting several cool tattoos, finding the latest jeans and attempting to keep up with the latest hair style.  She is doing a lot of the same while adding make-up, nail polish and hair highlights.  Both are desiring love; both wanting the other’s attention, neither completely sure of how to get it and what to expect.  Finding love is expensive, consumes your time and thoughts and most often does not work out (which wastes more time).  Today there are numerous on-line dating tools to help, but to many that’s a little like trying to win the million dollar lottery.

Men love the pursuit and women love being the catch.  But isn’t love deeper than a flirtatious dance and the change of outward appearances?  Once they are engaged or say “I do” and he stops the pursuit, while at the same time she realizes she’s been caught, then what?  Then, life – maturing life.  Love is laying your life down for this person, sacrificing your own needs.  It is not, “Check marriage off my list and now on with my career.”  Keeping this woman has nothing to do with tattoos, bigger muscles or cool beards and keeping this man will not relate to the latest shoes and purse combination.  Those things become rather shallow when real life decisions and bills come due.  She needs you to continue to chase her with a deepening love and an emotional presence.  He needs you to continue to respect and affirm him as the provider, the protector and the lover.  In the coming weeks, we will talk about this love factor that is needed in a growing and maturing marriage.  Meanwhile, read Ephesians 5: 15-33.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Ladies, Don’t Tear Him Down, Affirm Him

It had been a particularly challenging week for me and it was a Friday morning when this text vibrated its way into my pocket, “Thanks for being such a focused and hardworking man…not a lazy bone in you…that is one thing I love about you.”  For the remainder of the day, my step was lighter and a revised sense of conquering all of life’s problems returned.  Those words cut directly to and deeply touched my manhood.  Seeing these words written by the most important person on earth to me renewed confidence in our relationship because the woman I love believes in me.  Words of affirmation empower me and all other men to also believe in themselves.

Where does your life mate seek affirmation, because he will seek it from somewhere?  Is he good at sports, the computer, hunting, carpentry or cooking?  How he feels about these things is directly tied into the affirmation he receives.  If you as his wife are not affirming him, then he will find the places where he does receive it, even if it means spending extra time at work.  Men love to hear “good job” and “well done.”  They love the words, “No one does it like you,” (no matter what it is).  But, when his wife affirms him for the room he just renovated in front of his children, his parents or his friends – that’s over the top for him.  Ladies, don’t send your men looking elsewhere for affirmation.  Begin by making a list of the areas that you can affirm him in and start a positive habit today with a text message of affirmation.  I guarantee you, you’ll make his day and he will not erase that message.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Ladies, Are You Respecting Your Man?

Did you know that your man is “hardwired” by God with the need to receive respect from his life mate?  There is mention of it in the Scripture, but check out the following:  Shaunti Feldhahn wrote the book, For Women Only, and relates the fact that men would rather feel unloved than disrespected.  In a survey she quotes, 74% of men would rather, “…be alone and unloved than feel inadequate and be disrespected.”  So, it goes something like this: if a man feels disrespected, he is most likely going to also feel unloved.  Men long for a father’s respect and seek the respect of their children, along with their employer, but the need for respect from their wife trumps them all.  Ladies, have you ever noticed how numerous persons can compliment your man, but then he turns to you and asks how you feel he did?  He needs your affirming words of respect as his icing on top of the cake and values it far more than any other opinion.

What’s the hesitation?  I’ve heard many women say something like this, “When he does something worthy of respect, I will give it to him.”  Even though he is created in the image of God, loved by God and already approved of by Him, you feel he must earn it from you?  If you could forget about the disappointments you have felt and the offenses that have come your way through him, could you take a step of faith and find ways to express respect?  The two of you are one and as you show respect (deserved or not), you will reap the benefits.  It may not be immediate and you may receive a quizzical look or two, but the male soul will respond.  You have a choice to be your husband’s critic or his greatest fan.  (See: Ephesians 5:33; I Timothy 3:4; I Peter 2:17 in the NLT Bible.)

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