Tag Archives: love

Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

Does Going Through a Rough Patch in Our Marriage Disqualify Us from Ministry?

Every marriage has it challenges and some more than others. Does that disqualify us from ministry in our local church or elsewhere? The answer? Yes and no.

The first step is assessment. How long have we had this struggle? Is it a repeated struggle? Have we sought counsel for this particular issue? Do we avoid finding solutions? Are we actively trying to find solutions? Are we being stubborn and refusing personal change? Are either one of us in active sin? Are we blaming our spouse solely for the struggle and not taking any personal responsibility? 

The answers to these questions can help us determine whether we should be involved in ministry during this season of our relationship.

We recently experienced a couple sharing with us they feel disqualified for entering a couples’ ministry at this time because they are attempting to work through some of their own marriage issues. I asked them if they ever struggle raising their children or have they made huge mistakes in parenting. They said, “yes.” I then asked them if they should stop parenting or perhaps consider adopting out their children. As ridiculous as that sounds, sometimes it’s just as ridiculous to think disqualification from ministry over aggressively pursuing marital healing.

You must know if you can minister to others while experiencing conflict yourself, but neither does the conflict always disqualify you from serving others. It is out of our own pain sometimes that we learn to help others. And healed people can bring healing to many!

The key is, after assessment, chase healing. Give it everything you have and pursue growth in your marriage and in your individual lives. As we heal individually, our marriage will also experience healing. There is no perfect marriage, but we serve a perfect Savior who possesses all the answers we need for our daily life challenges!

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Training, Women

The Surprising Changes in the Beliefs and Boundaries of Marriage Today (Part 1)

In my many years of studying, researching, writing, interviewing and counseling in the pre- and postmarital realm, I had little hope I would see secular research come to agree with so many of my findings and beliefs. But the proof just keeps showing up in article after article.

My belief, without waver, is that premarital experiences directly relate to our marriages and that pre-marriage sexual experiences harm the marital experiences of life as a married couple. In the recent past the typical sequence to marriage went something like this: dating, sex, cohabitation, maybe children and then marriage.

Sex and cohabitation before marriage

Psychologist Galena Rhoades PhD and Scott Stanley in an online article titled Before “I Do,” What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults, now questions this contemporary view of how family life begins in our society. She believes that every serious relationship has certain milestones, like the first kiss to actually coming to a definition of where the relationship is going. She unequivocally states that about 90% of couples are sexual before marriage according to one study (Diner, 2007). She also states that most couples live together before marriage (Copen, Daniels, and Mosher, 2013).

But then she writes this, “Many of them have sex with multiple partners before finding the person they will eventually marry. Do premarital sexual relationships relate to later marital quality? Yes and no. It depends on who you are having sex with. Men and women who only slept with their (future) spouse prior to marriage reported higher marital quality than those who had other sexual partners as well. This doesn’t mean that sex before marriage will doom a marriage, but sex with many different partners may be risky if you’re looking for a high-quality marriage.” 

Dr. Rhoades makes this eye-opening conclusion, “We generally think that having more experience is better [in life] but what we find for relationships is just the opposite.”

Multiple experiences with multiple partners sexually is now actually linked to marriages that are worse off and that having a long history with cohabitating may actually cause you to devalue your spouse. 

Marrying young

Brad Wilcox, a director of the National Marriage Project and Professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia wrote an article on how marrying young (by young I mean early 20’s) and without cohabitating “seems merited.” He wrote, “Our analyses indicate that religious men and women who married in their twenties without cohabitating first–have the lowest odds of divorce in America today.” Read that last sentence again, please.

What is it that the author of this study suspected as to why the success rate? “We suspect one advantage the religious singles in their twenties have over the secular peers is that they are more likely to have access to a pool of men and women who are ready to tie the knot and share their vision of a family-focused life.”

It has been believed and practiced for decades that a college education with a lot of dating, partying, fun, one-night stands and living together and then finally career all came first before settling down with a commitment to marriage. The statistic of living together (70%) before marriage is scary high. But Professor Wilcox wrote this, “But the conventional wisdom here is wrong: Americans who cohabit before marriage are less likely to be happily married and more likely to break up.” In fact, he says that couples who do cohabitate have a 15% more likely chance of divorce than those who do not.

Milestones in dating and pre-marriage days in a couple’s life means something because decisions mean something. We can remember when our spouse first spoke the words, “I love you.” We can recall where we were when we became engaged. We either loved or endured premarital counseling, but it was another milestone, a decision we made for us and our success in marriage. 

Fifty years of marriage 

Over 50 years ago my wife and I abstained sexually out of total love, commitment and respect for one another–keeping for marriage what belongs only to marriage. We did not cohabitate because we knew this one act reduces the chances of a healthy lifelong marriage. We had a large wedding because we wanted others to celebrate with us, hold us accountable and enter into our joy of oneness. We went on a two-week honeymoon dropping out of life as we knew it to simply work on becoming one. We did not know one another intimately (sexually) prior to marriage, but we discovered the joy of purity meeting purity night after night.

It was not a college education, financial security, sexual experiences or age that helped to create these milestones, it was love for God and a desire to obey His truth. We were married in our early twenties and we continue to celebrate milestones in our marriage. We are celebrating the milestone of half a century of marriage throughout this year and we are thankful for a godly foundation.

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

50 Years of Marriage! We Did It!!

We were just kids, as they say. Mary was fresh out of nursing school, and I was in the military during the Vietnam war. We had a small two-bedroom apartment and worked different shifts the first two years following our wedding vows. 

Learning each other’s nuances, family cultures, likes and dislikes was fascinating. With virtually no premarital counseling we were finally married and living on our own five hours south of our families. 

While we had been in semiserious relationships prior to ours, we were virgins, having saved the best of ourselves for one another. It was heaven on earth as we discovered new things about each other, learning to cook, and all things that go into making a newly formed family. 

Our first apartment.

Following those two years we set out to serve as missionaries to adjudicated teenage boys and did so for eight years – not heaven on earth. This mission tested everything we knew in life, marriage and the pursuit of happiness. It was tough believing for our needs, not fighting over who spent the last dollar and living in a facility with other staff members and the delinquents themselves. Through lots of trials and pain we grew stronger in our faith, our resolve, and our marriage.

So here we are at 50 years. How does a couple keep it together that long? How does a marriage make it through severe losses, great financial needs, disagreements, differing financial values, and (one of the most challenging) raising children into adulthood? Let us (my bride helped with this part) take a stab at answering that question.

  1. Choose your battles wisely. You just can’t agree on everything, but that does not mean you live disagreeably. Face the fact, even though you are one, you are two different individuals who see things differently. That is not a negative, it is something to be valued. Seeing things differently helps each of us to see what we’re not seeing. And that makes for a better team. 
  2. Speaking of team, work together at serving and honoring each other. How can you out serve and out honor your mate? Also important, honor one another’s extended families.
  3. Keep dating a priority. Never stop prioritizing fun, weekends away, rest and laughter.
  4. Know why you are called together. Know your marriage mission, write it down and keep updating it year after year. It is the “why” of your marriage relationship.
  5. Pray and worship together. Nothing is more intimate, connecting, or communicative than praying together. You will hear each other’s hearts and know one another’s deepest needs and desires. Worshiping together includes having a home church; one in which you are both comfortable in and are fed spiritually nourishing food. It’s a place where you can serve and be served by a godly family who cares about you, your marriage and your family. 

Proverbs 31 reminds us, “A wife of noble character who can find?   She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” 

We have lacked nothing of value these past 50 years. There is no greater, no deeper love than our heavenly Father’s and that love enables us to love and cherish each other through every day, every month and every year.

Reaching this milestone has made every mile we have traveled, every faith step we have taken, and every prayer we have prayed worth it. If we can make it, so can you.

Standard
Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Women

Advice Giving for Dad’s at Weddings

Having been the father of the groom, I have learned some things. 

First, father of the groom is a much easier role; there is little to nothing to do but enjoy the day. Perhaps the biggest deal was arriving on time. But I am not a very willing nonparticipant. I don’t mind a job or two. Well, not ordering the flowers, mind you, but there are things like:

My son had bacon wrapped scallops at his wedding reception. I instructed our server that when she came to the dining room floor from the kitchen with fresh, hot scallops, she was to immediately find me, the father of the groom. I do love bacon wrapped scallops. 

Then there’s the meeting new people to find out who they are and how they know the bride or my son. This job was specifically to be sure there were no wedding crashers showing up for a free meal or an easy date. I also enjoyed keeping the smaller ones away from the icing on the cupcakes. Who wants a cupcake with a dirty, little finger run through it? 

For your son’s one friend who started celebrating before the wedding and continues to do so during the reception…show him the door or order an Uber. You’ll do everyone a favor. 

Lastly, but certainly not least, was the dance with my new daughter-in-law. It is my one moment to speak directly into her ear and provide a calm, but stern warning that if she ever does anything to hurt or harm my son…or if my son ever…you have my permission to…. You can finish those sentences how you see fit. 

Father of the groom, take your role and responsibilities seriously. Someone has to do the hard stuff.

Standard
Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

A Message to the Newly Married or the Soon to Be Married

In another two months my wife and I will be married for 50 years. I hope that counts for something. 

When we look back, it’s easy to identify multiple mistakes that we made. It’s as well, easy to identify those decisions that worked. Taking responsibility for our decisions and their outcome is a major step toward maturity in a marriage relationship. Good decisions reap good outcomes and bad decisions reap a consequence that we both must own and then grow from. 

So, those thoughts lead me to pen some advice from an older married couple. Here goes:

  • Stay away from major discussions or decisions if you’re hungry or tired.
  • Treat your spouse the way you desire to be treated. (Luke 6:31)
  • Place your spouse ahead of yourself (Philippians 2:3-4).
  • Never leave or return home without finding each other and sharing a kiss and an “I love you.”
  • Make each other laugh. Have fun. (Proverbs 17:22)
  • Your most intimate connection is praying together (Matthew 18:19).
  • Do not look for 100% agreement in everything. Accept that you will always enjoy some personal differences. They’ll make you a better team.
  • Realize that agreement is greater than disagreement (Amos 3:3).
  • Conflict is inevitable and part of a close relationship. Conflict is not wrong, however; conflict without compromise and then finding a resolve is wrong.
  • Build a livable, agreeable budget and stick to it.  
  • Always have a short-term savings and a long-term savings.
  • Do your best to stay out of debt (Proverbs 22:7).
  • Never maintain a credit card balance (Psalms 37:21).
  • Give one another a monthly spending allowance.
  • Doing without lots of things can save your marriage.
  • Hold hands…a lot.
  • Write love notes and send cards in the mail to one another.
  • Bring home surprises for each another.
  • Date your spouse and when children arrive, date your children.
  • Check your pockets before putting your clothes in the wash.
  • Men, put the toilet seat down.
  • Divide cleaning responsibilities along with other household duties.
  • Take lots of time to talk and enjoy conversation.
  • Keep the TV and other devices out of or turned off in your bedroom.
  • Make your bedroom a special place where you end your day and then begin your day together.
  • No kids in your bedroom.
  • Remember that romance is not over once you’re married; it just began.
  • Always have at least one meal together every day, two if possible.
  • Keep complaining to a minimum; keep praise to a maximum.
  • Sit on the porch or deck together. No porch/deck? Build one.
  • Learn the skill of listening, not just talking.
  • Always construct in private.
  • When children arrive, remember they will be one of your most important contributions to your world; so treat them with love, respect, provide life-giving correction and don’t give them to someone else to raise.

There are more, but that’s for another time. 

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Issues of the Day

No One a Stranger Part II

I encountered some excellent feedback from last week’s blog about my random expressions to total strangers or happenstance meetings. Someone wrote and asked me for questions to take the conversation deeper once you establish a brief connection with someone. I loved the question and thought it worthy of a part two to last week’s blog. So, here goes, an attempt at taking the initial connection you might encounter with a random stranger a step or two deeper with a follow-up probing question. I have discovered most persons do enjoy talking about themselves. Why not take advantage of that fact?

Try several of these questions to see what might work best for you:

  • What do you do? What caused you to seek that profession?
  • Tell me about your family.
  • What has been the biggest lesson that you have learned so far in life?
  • What makes you, you?
  • What feeling do you love to feel?
  • Tell me about your creative side.
  • What do you do for fun?
  • Tell me about your thoughts of a personal relationship with God.
  • What are your thoughts on eternal life?
  • What was your favorite vacation and why?
  • Where should someone find their identity?
  • Where do you find your identity? 
  • Does God talk to you or how do you hear the voice of God?
  • What are you trying to prove to the world around you?
  • What is the best decision you have ever made and why?

People pay counselors $150.00 for a fifty-minute session and feel tremendous relief thereafter. Why? Someone listened to them. Listening makes others feel important and asking questions and listening reveals you care about hearing what they have to say. Schools teach public speaking courses frequently, but when is the last time you noticed a “public listening” course offered? I don’t think that course exists.  

Standard
Challenge, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Is Your Marriage Growing Closer or Distancing?

Marriage relationships are typically gaining ground or losing ground, becoming closer or creating distance. Let me share a few examples:

A silence after a disagreement = distance

Boredom sets into the relationship = distance

Tension due to differing goals or desires = distance

The loss of intimacy or sexual oneness = distance

Unforgiveness = distance

What are some examples of growing in closeness?

Agreement with our budget = closeness financially

Praying together = closeness to God and one another

Maintaining date nights = closeness in fun and communication

Maintaining our physical oneness = intimacy closeness

Taking daily time to hear one another’s heart = closeness shared openly and honestly

We’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced times of deep connection in our marriage and times of boredom or discontent with our marriage. Sometimes life becomes mundane and we take our marriages for granted or we simply become lazy with finding time for each other, communicating and going out on a date. We let our sexual lives lapse as we prioritize so many other things in life over our own intimacy connections. 

When we feel distance in our relationship let’s call it out, expose it, confess it and work at getting back on track. Honest feelings shared can bring honest solutions. Allowing distance to grow makes it more difficult to return to closeness. 

Take some time to share several ways in which you can grow and maintain your closeness as a couple.

Standard
Challenge, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Are You Play Deficient in Your Marriage?

You’re happily married. In fact, you’d do it all over again, right? But now there are so many intense responsibilities. Multiple others are depending upon you. Life is serious and you’re right in the middle of it with or without fun. 

Fun is now something you have to remind yourself of or, God forbid, actually plan. Play was so easy when we were merely engaged to be married. It came so naturally without much effort. Now it seems like we need to make it a goal for our marriage. 

The Bible tells us that laughter is like medicine. It’s true. Here are some of the medicinal effects laughter does for us: it’s a natural pain killer; it reduces blood pressure; it decreases depression and anxiety; it boosts the immune system; it’s just good for our mental, physical and spiritual health.

Let’s take it a step further. What is fun for you as a couple? What is energizing? What fun things replenish you? Discovering these things for us as individuals is great and necessary, but discovering them for our marriage is energizing for a play deficient marriage. 

Perhaps you’re in a stage of marriage where you are raising young children. Fun with them as parents is important, but taking time for the two of you is just as important. Or, maybe you’re at a stage where you’re spending a lot of time together. Be sure to plan fun activities so boredom does not set in. 

My wife and I had nonchalantly driven by a local Harley Davidson factory for many years and then we found out they offer free tours. Wow, what a fun morning that was. We live in a farming community. We discovered one of the large farming operations in our area offers daily tours. It was fun to see this operation up front and close. Museums, libraries, flea markets, yard sales, antique shops, an unplanned overnight, reading a joke book, funny YouTube videos, or coffee shops can all be inviting places of fun. 

Fun does not have to be expensive or days away. It needs to show up daily in your marriage. Study your spouse and find out what makes them laugh. Then go for it. It will build something refreshing in your marriage. 

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

Some Important Questions to Consider for the New Year

Have you evaluated 2024 with your spouse as yet? I mean, have you gone back over your year and discussed what you loved, what you missed, what you added, what you gave, what you received, what you grew in, what you failed in? Evaluation is a great way to end your year together.

Have you taken the time to share words of thanks with one another and to God? What are you thankful for? What can you thank your spouse for? Thankfulness blesses others and keeps our hearts from personal judgments. 

After considering those ideas, consider some questions that will help you to look forward to a brand-new year. Questions like:

  • What vision do we have for our marriage and family in 2025?
  • What exercise do we want to participate in together?
  • What rhythms will we continue/discontinue?
  • How can I help my spouse grow in their relationship with God?
  • How can I be a reflection of God to my spouse?
  • What couples or persons in our lives can help us to grow in our marriage?
  • How can we better participate in a sabbath?
  • What can increase our affection toward each other?
  • How can we maintain our sexual intimacy?
  • How can we grow our prayer intimacy together?
  • What are some healthy marriage maintenance moves we can make in 2025?
  • What spiritual goals can we create?
  • What financial goals can we create?
  • How can we make regular deposits of love in each other’s life?
  • What marriage book can we read together?
  • What marriage conference can we participate in?
  • How can just the two of us vacate together?

Looking back, giving thanks and then looking ahead can be a tremendous value to your marriage relationship. It can give you focus, bring correction and provide unity in direction. Marriages that make it 40 or 50 years are marriages that take seriously personal and couple change to become more loving, more giving, more complimentary, more forgiving and more generous.

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Goals for Our Marriage

We have personal goals, work goals, financial goals and spiritual goals. What are the goals for your marriage? Where is your marriage going and how will you get there?

Sometimes in our marriage we are so today-focused that we do not take the time to think about tomorrow. Where do you desire your marriage to be in a year, five years, or ten years? 

Key: If you do not plant those seeds today, you will never reach your desired “harvest” or goal tomorrow. 

I know, I know, not everyone thinks in terms of goals, especially goals for your marriage, but this blog is written to every marriage out there. You never reach a goal without planning and taking steps toward the goal. 

Mary and I desired to retire our mortgage within ten years. We prayed. We placed extra money on the principle every month. We placed windfalls, tax returns, every extra dollar we could to reach that goal. Month after month and year after year we worked hard and in agreement toward the goal of paying off our home. Did we reach our goal in ten years? No, but that didn’t stop us or discourage us. We plugged away at it and not long thereafter reached our goal. 

For many years we loved taking our family vacations with our children. In time, our children were all married, but they still desired to do a family vacation. We made that happen as often as we could, but at the same time realized we had no personal vacation planned as a couple. 

Our goal became planning a year ahead for a week of vacation by ourselves. We have been doing so ever since. This goal helped us to have a loving, intimate and separate time together without caring, cooking and cleaning for others. 

When you create goals for your marriage, you’ll find yourself identifying areas that need strengthening. As a goal is communicated, prayed through and acted upon, your marriage will grow in connection. Goals for your marriage will keep you focused toward a future desire that will also build intimacy and commitment. 

Set aside some time at the local café and discuss a goal or two for your marriage. You will never regret it!

Standard