Author Archives: calledtogether

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ultimate Compliment, but the Scariest One

images-10I was listening to a wife complain about her husband’s lack of attention toward her with him sitting right there in front of us. It was a bit awkward, but not nearly as awkward as the next emotionally charged sentence she blurted out, which went something like this: “Why can’t you be more like Steve in this area?” Her husband’s response was to then give me this forlorn look, while his eyes searched for the correct answer from his memory bank. He sheepishly spoke, “Yea, she often says to me, ‘what would Steve do in this situation?”’ I was floored, embarrassed and wanted to be anywhere but there. While I know it was in some weird way a compliment, it felt so… I don’t know…comparing, negative and unhealthy? I sat there speechless at first, feeling his pain. He was being compared with someone who he is not, is never going to be and is not created to be.Roter und Grüner Apfel

Finally gathering myself, I turned and looked at her and spoke forthrightly. I began, “Your husband is not me and should never be expected to be me. While we each have traits that reveal Jesus in us, it is Him that we are to emulate. Your husband will not change by you comparing him to another man, in fact, it only serves to humiliate him and that is not a godly trait. Please do not use my name in that way as I am a very imperfect man and I will fail you.”

The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives. (Proverbs 27: 21)

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Encouragement

Dirt Bikes and a Promised Resurrection

images-4 I first met Wade in a feed mill in the 1970’s. I was purchasing animal feed for the small farm our ministry operated. His smile was contagious and his eyes were the brightest blue I had ever seen. As we talked, we discovered that we had two things in common: Jesus and dirt bikes. He was recently married and had a baby girl on the way. Wade was a transplant to the Pennsylvania mountains as was I and we loved the area because it afforded hundreds of miles of trails to ride. Wade was an excellent rider and we continually stretched our skills by playing cat and mouse on tight trails motorcycles had no business riding fast on. We even entered a number of enduro races together.

images-5Regularly, when we stopped to take a break from riding and catch our breath, we would talk about Jesus and how He was changing our lives. Like riding fast in the woods, we also pushed one another in our faith. On one ride I noticed Wade started coughing and struggled to catch his breath. He passed it off as a cold. The coughing wouldn’t subside and he finally submitted to seeing a doctor and then to a specialist. Wade, a young man in his early thirties, was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Regardless of treatment, Wade never improved but day by day became weaker and weaker. He no longer had the strength to ride his bike.

Wade wanted to hear his 400 cc two-stroke Husqvarna one more time. After several hard and painful kicks it roared to life and then for some unknown reason, the bike caught fire and burnt to the ground. Like the bike, Wade died soon thereafter. I still miss him – his laugh, his teasing me because he was a better rider than me, his love for the Bible and just talking about his Savior. Wade has been with Him in heaven for many years now. I can still remember one of the conversations we had sitting on a log along side a trail. Wade looked at me and asked, “Do you think the Lord has dirt bikes in heaven?” One day I will see Wade again and I will find out the answer to that question.  Jesus once said, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies…”

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Pornography

Pornography Almost Sent Him to Jail

“My sexual lust was fueled by my viewing pornography,” a friend once confessed to me. That statement provoked more questioning on my part and it’s an interesting, sad and revealing story. He described his pornography habit as helping to create a fantasy world in which he lived in, within his mind anyway.   His conscious and subconscious thoughts would affect his reality on a daily basis. He shared, “Porn provided a subconscious trigger that can lead to far worse situations.” One day he found himself in one of those “situations” and he followed through with a “far worse” fulfillment of his fantasy world.

images-2That one single decision to act upon his fantasy almost landed him in jail as he ended up committing a sexual crime.   Today my friend confesses to me that pornography actually changed his reality, “It changed how I viewed my wife, my co-workers and almost everyone I interacted with on a regular basis; it was such a dishonoring view.” Regular intake of pornography will keep you from relating to the opposite sex in a healthy way. It will distort your reality and it will eventually effect your actions. I love how the writer of Psalm 119 expressed it, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word…I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you…Turn my eyes away from worthless things…”

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Pornography, Singles

Pornography, a Road to Self-destruction

images-7A number of years ago I conversed with a man who was $32,000.00 in credit card debt. When I asked him what he had purchased as a young single in order to find himself at that level of debt he replied, “Pornography.” I was stunned. Tens of thousands of dollars spent on an addiction and nothing to show for it besides remorse, regret and shame. Proverbs chapters 5-7 speaks so plainly of the adulterous woman and the man who goes astray with her, however consider the following verses in the light of viewing pornography:

With persuasive words she led him astray: she seduced him with her smooth talk. All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping onto a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life. Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say. Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death.

images-2“Many are the victims she has brought down…”  Could those verses be an apt description of a pornography addiction? Under the Law of the Old Covenant, the result of one caught in adultery was death. However under the New Covenant, Jesus was stricter than the Law of Moses. He said that if we look at someone with lust in our heart, we are committing the act of adultery. What if we are held captive by images on a screen…?

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Parents, Premarital, Singles

Pornography and Singleness

images-5Pornography will affect your marriage even if you are still single and waiting for your spouse.  If you start viewing pornography, or when you view it, keep in mind that through mental stamping of the brain (that brain wash of chemicals when viewing porn) you will mentally carry many of those images for the rest of your life. While that may seem like a long time and impossible, I can still remember from my pre-teen years some of the images I saw in magazines that I found along the road while leisurely riding my bike on warm summer days.

If you desire a healthy sex life one day with the man or woman who God so generously gives to you, then stay far, far away from pornography today.  By staying away now, you won’t need to confess involvement to the future love of your life. By avoiding the temptation of pornography now, you begin to establish trust in this area with your future life mate.  Your mind will be more free and far more pure from sexual lust.  You will not have to deal with sexual shame.  Your marriage bed can be free of mental comparisons and images that only bring hurt and damage to your future love-making.  You will live in a greater sense of freedom today and in the future.  And, your future spouse will feel so honored that you chose not to bring destructive thoughts and images into your marriage bed.images-7

I love these verses that Paul writes under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit: But since there is so much immortality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each another except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (I Cor. 7: 2-5) Honor God and honor your body for the one that you will one day show honor to.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Pursuing Sexual Wholeness in Marriage II

images-6Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways. Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really. Women feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing. It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world. It brings insecurities to her and can destroy her esteem. She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover. She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal.

Men, however, often view pornography as innocent, a fix for loneliness or not having a sexual partner that agrees with his desires. Men rationalize and justify their behavior by attempting to call it the “normal behavior” of a man who is simply visual. However, the act of viewing pornography is highly addictive in which some psychologist state that it is like a crack cocaine addiction. Over time it does not diminish, but tends to intensify. It can interfere in a man’s ability to function at home with his family, at work and of course in the bedroom.

One thing we know from God, His love is completely satisfying. One thing we know from the evil one is that lust is insatiable and can NEVER be satisfied. Pornography and lust are a drive to serve oneself rather than ones life mate or others. To speak very directly and candidly to the casual or the constant viewer: By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and you are helping it to grow. The porn industry is supplying what you’re looking for.  You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world. You are adding to the sin of human trafficking. You are saying ‘yes’ to a multi-billion dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent women, men and children and can even lead to their abduction or death. You are helping to destroy those trapped in this industry, your marriage, your own family and yourself.images-3 Unbelievably, you attempt to excuse it and rationalize it when I Corinthians 6: 13 says, “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord…” v. 18 – “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” Ephesians 5: 3 – “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity…”

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Pornography and Pursuing Sexual Wholeness in Your Marriage (part I)

imagesA nationally conducted survey among churches over the past five years revealed that 68% of men and 50% of pastors view pornography regularly (Pure Desire Ministries, 2009). But, the most shocking was that 11-17 year old boys reported being the greatest users. Pornography in our country is a 4 billion dollar industry. More money is spent on pornography than pro baseball, pro basketball, pro football and the Super bowl combined per year. Eleven thousand adult films are produced per year, which is 20 times the number of regular media films coming out of Hollywood. The issue is sweeping through the church and with the present younger generation being exposed and involved, it is epidemic.

As the church today, we tell men and women caught up in this issue that it is solely a moral issue, but studies are showing that it is also a brain issue. So telling men and women to study more, pray more and simply to think pure thoughts is like telling a heroin addict to just stop thinking about and pursuing his drug.  Studies are now indicating that when we are involved in sexual activity the brain releases a chemical called Oxytocin, along with other chemicals, it is the glue to human bonding.  When we watch pornography, powerful neurotransmitters such as dopamine are also released and our brain then takes those images and creates a bond, actually interfering with human bonding and sexuality. Dr. Tim Jennings, a neuropsychologist says that any type of repetitive behavior will create trails in our brain that fire on automatic sequence. So men and women who truly love Jesus with all of their heart can be in sexual bondage from the enemy due to viewing pornography repeatedly.images-3

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do… I Peter 1:13-15

God desires us to bond with our life mate sexually while the enemy desires us to be in bondage to sexually explicit material.  We will continue with this subject in future blogs.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Uncategorized

Mission, The Why of Your Marriage

imagesWhy are you married? That seems like a question that does not need asking. But, couples can lose their way; lose their focus after some years of doing life. I know my marriage has at times. Mary and I discovered some years ago that we needed to answer that “why” question and then put it into writing. We call this our Marriage Mission statement and we have found it to be a guiding life value in our relationship. Most likely your work place has a mission statement, as does your local church and your auxiliary clubs you belong to. Marriage is God’s idea and when He brought it to earth He spoke to the very first couple these words, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” And, “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” (Genesis 1,2) God gave Adam and Eve a mission.

Whether you are married a month or decades, your marriage has a purpose, a calling. Your children will find strength in knowing their family has focus and mission. A mission statement will keep you on track, help you set goals and set the course for personal change. It can help you envision where you want your marriage to go. What legacy do you desire to leave? It can start today by identifying your mission together as a couple and as a family.images-4

  1. Begin by listing areas that you and your spouse are presently prioritizing and involved in individually and as a couple. Write these things down.
  2. Take the time to list your personal family values, the practical things that define your marriage. (For example: praying together, becoming debt free or growing a business.)
  3. Start building your mission statement by listing your goals and dreams, keeping in mind all you have written above. What do you desire to accomplish as a couple/family? Include short-term and long-term dreams and think about this question, “What impact do we desire to make as a couple?” Your statement will include: the spiritual; the physical; the financial; the social; the vocational and the recreational.

Include some life scriptures like Joshua 24:15 or Psalms 127:1. Defining the “why” through a marriage mission statement just might be what is missing from your union.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Five Reasons Why Dating Your Spouse is NOT Recommended

  1. images-14Dating is for the single person only. You are now into the real life throes of long-term marriage and everyone knows it is to be serious. It’s a lot of hard work and everyone is aware of the fact that the romantic spark left years ago. So, stop trying to prove otherwise.
  2. Dating costs money and money is hard to come by. The last thing you want to do is invest in your relationship. There are far too many essentials that must come first in the list of financial priorities.
  3. Dating takes time and time is a commodity that should be given first to work, the children and upkeep of all the stuff you own.
  4. You already did the, “smell good and look attractive” thing. You “caught” one another so go back to the couch and take that much-needed break in your most worn and most comfortable outfit. Ladies, put your hair into curlers and men, stop shaving.images-12
  5. And lastly, dating means we have to talk and heaven knows talking leads to fighting and fighting leads to not talking and not talking leads to…well, more fighting. So, your best bet is to never, never, never date. It will only lead to a closer, more loving, more fun and a  deeper friendship.
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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Making Valentine’s Day Last a Month

images-11While Valentine’s Day has its roots in ancient Roman festivals that were basically pagan, Pope Gelasius recast this festival as a Christian feast day around 496 and declared February 14th as St. Valentine’s Day. According to the Catholic Encyclopedia the priest, Valentine, actually attracted the disfavor of Claudius II around 270. Claudius II was prohibiting young men from marriage to make them into soldiers. According to legend, Valentine continued to perform marriage ceremonies secretly and was eventually apprehended by the Romans and put to death.

The Valentine Day card evolved in the 18th century in England with gift-giving and handmade cards, which eventually spread to the American colonies. But it wasn’t until the 1850’s when Esther Howland, from Worcester, Mass., began producing Valentine’s Day greeting cards. Today, 25% of all cards sent each year are valentines.

Below are some ideas to generate your expression of love this Valentine’s Day:images-10

  • Write Post It notes of thankfulness and encouragement and place them all over the house.
  • Send a card to your spouse’s workplace and surprise her/him with mail from you.
  • Buy him or her their favorite candy bar and place it somewhere special.
  • Kiss your valentine for no reason.
  • Take their hand while driving or walking together.
  • Do a surprise date; you plan the whole date from beginning to end.
  • Make her a special dinner.
  • Make his favorite meal or dessert.
  • Start buying small gifts and give them weekly throughout the month.
  • Slip a hand written love note on a business card onto their car door or under their windshied wiper.
  • Bring her or him coffee or tea in bed.
  • Take care of the children for a few hours so she or he can do something special.
  • Send a text message or call everyday around the same time telling her/him why you love them.
  • Bring home take-out, flowers and a movie and surprise her.
  • Buy him that tool or “toy” he has desired.
  • Create your own Valentine’s Day card.
  • Purchase a book on marriage and determine read it together.
  • In the near future attend a marriage seminar weekend together.
  • If you haven’t, begin a regiment of praying together, blessing one another in meaningful spiritual connection.
  • Grab the vacuum and vacuum the house for your family. She’ll love you for it!
  • Read a couples devotional that challenges your romance together.
  • Do extra special sensual things like rubbing her back, massaging his neck, taking a shower together, speaking truth-filled words of deep affection, affirmation and acceptance.
  • Look at old picture albums reflecting your young love.
  • Discuss “older love” and how maturation in your relationship is still attractive to you.
  • Share the ten things you love about one another.
  • Watch a love story movie and laugh together.
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