Category Archives: Leadership

Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Saying,“I do,” What Happens at a Wedding

The mystery of two becoming one begins with a confession of two simple words, “I do.”  After almost 38 years of marriage, Mary and I “still do.”  This past Easter Sunday I watched as my mother and father-in-law held hands to pray over their meal together.  After 71 years of marriage, they “still do.”  Little did we understand those two, almost insignificant, words at our marriage ceremony, but here’s a bit of insight into what they actually mean or will mean when you speak them.

Prior to the wedding ceremony, both the man and the woman are under the authority of another(s) – their parents.  When saying, “I do,” there is an exchange of authority in order to leave and cleave.  The father and mother give their daughter away and there is a name change.  There is an exchange of possessions.  What is his is now also hers and what is hers becomes his.  There is a releasing of singleness so that in mind, body, soul and spirit two become one.  All past dating relationships are left in order to cling to this one and only this one.  There is a new sense of responsibility for another.  There is a new sense of submission and giving of oneself for another.  Two now embrace all expenses and debt brought into the marriage. There are many additional family and friend relationships taken on.  Finally, while perhaps not realized at the time, two very different people will grow and change over the course of time as they live life and walk out those two simple words, “I do.”

Why don’t you send your spouse a card today and let them know you “still do.”

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Leadership

Letter from an Antagonist

I received a letter the other day from a man I do not know.  It was four pages long and seemed to be somewhat of form letter personally addressed to me.  He was going on and on about the fact that some are preaching we “must give up our rights… as our rights have been nailed to the cross.”  He went on to say how he was challenging those “authorities” who teach this “misleading” doctrine in question as to, “the severity of the judgment these authorities will ultimately face for so deceiving them in His Name…”

Perhaps you also receive letters like these.  I have no idea where he got my name or why he wants to pick a fight with me.  In his next to last paragraph he then throws out this challenge, “Therefore: I will give one thousand dollars to the first person, or group of people who can sit down with me face to face and respectfully present…irrefutable scriptures…give written proof…detailing precisely what rights they are talking about…”  Wanna make a quick thousand bucks?  In other words, “I know I am right and will throw out a financial challenge to prove I am right.”  Really?  Does this person actually deserve my time to respond to him?  Don’t answer that question, I will.  No.  But I thought it all presented a great example for us as to what not to do and how not to respond.

But, if I did respond, here is what I would (like) say:

Dear Mr. Antagonist,

 Regarding your letter…   I have no idea who you are or why you sent it to me.  I have no idea what “rights” you are talking about.  I have no idea who the “authorities” are that you are referencing.  Unfortunately these types of responses, letters, challenges on doctrine, etc. only breed contention and dissension, of which we are warned to stay away from (Proverbs 10:12; 17:19; Galatians 5:19-21; II Timothy 2:23, 24).  I have a suggestion.  Why don’t you use your time to stop fighting the saved and start winning the lost?  And, while you’re mulling over that question, ask yourself this question, “Do I want to be right or do I want to be in relationship with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ?”

 Sincerely wrong in more areas than I am right,

 Steve Prokopchak

 Just sayin’…

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Leadership, Marriage

Sacrificing Your Marriage and Family for Jesus

My wife and I were happy to be traveling north for the weekend, anticipating a couples’ retreat with complete strangers.  We love the opportunity to meet new people and stay with local church leaders that we have never met and learn from them.  What we “learned” was less than hoped for.  As we sat with this leadership couple they began to take advantage of these “outsiders” and opened up to us about their marriage.  What they revealed was jaw dropping.

It seems that as a pastor his primary goal was to be a “success.”  Success to him was a large church and to grow a large church, he believed, would mean sacrificing his marriage and his family.  “After all,” he reasoned, “Jesus wants us to put Him first and if sacrificing your family to serve Jesus is what one must do to be a successful pastor, then so be it.”  What was left after thirty some years was a broken wife and distant adult children who had no relationship with their dad or their dad’s God.  This leadership couple was now totally separated emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.  His wife hated her husband’s mistress, the church, and decided she would no longer be a pastor’s wife but a schoolteacher.  They were divorced in every sense of the word, living single under the same roof.  ”He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey with proper respect.  If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church.”  (I Timothy 3: 4,5)  In this New Year, take the time to clearly hear from Jesus what He has called you to sacrifice; your spouse and your children are not one of them.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Silence is Not Always Golden

James tells us that the tongue can be a fire.  He says it can corrupt our whole person.  The tongue can praise or it can curse.   But there is something else it can do – it can be silent.  There are times in marriage when silence is as wrong as speaking curse-filled words.  It is evil when we are avoiding speaking good toward another or we are avoiding communication altogether, causing our spouse to suffer through the awkwardness of silence.   You know in your heart if your silence is meant to be malicious.  It is one thing to retreat and not speak so that healing can take place, but it is another when we selfishly refuse to speak.

I discovered during my pre-engagement years with Mary that she was a communicator; she loved to talk and relate to people.  I, on the other hand, would rather let others do the talking.  After marriage in my immaturity and my selfishness, I discovered that I could use silence to hurt her if I felt wronged.   I knew Mary needed me to talk and if I didn’t respond it would frustrate her.  To grow up and change I had to study her and enter into her world of communication.  I had to discover her frame of reference.  I had to receive the revelation that my silence was selfish manipulation and not godly leadership.  Today we have found that balance of talking and listening and honoring one another in our differences.  And today, at times, I might use as many words as she does.

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak

We are told that we can speak 125 – 150 words a minute, but typically we think around 300 words a minute.  Those numbers themselves provide an inward conflict with the act of listening.  High school and college campus’s run courses on public speaking, but when is the last time you had the opportunity to sign up for a public listening course?  Most of us want to talk and be listened to rather than take the concentration needed to stop and really hear someone.  I heard someone say recently that hearing is a function of the ear, but listening is a function of your will.

When we listen we are exercising an expression of love.  We are saying this person is important enough to me to be listened to.  Proverbs has a way of cutting to the chase when it says, “ He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”  (Proverbs 18:13)  If we are constantly interrupting our spouse in order to interject our “important” thought, we have stopped listening and are thinking about our reply.  Do you realize people pay counselors $150.00 and more for fifty minutes of their time and feel better when leaving their office?  Some even fall in love with their therapist just because they feel validated and cared for.  What was the therapist’s secret?  He/she listened.  James admonished us to be quick to listen and slow to speak…pretty good advice for 2013.  Try it; you’ll be amazed at the results.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Loving Women/Respecting Men II

An interesting concept in scripture is when a man desires to be an overseer.  There are some Biblical guidelines and character traits given, one of which is found in I Timothy where it says, “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.”  A man will struggle with his job, his family and his ministry if he feels a lack of respect from those whom he relates to.  When a man feels more respect from his guy friends, his job or hanging out at the fire company rather than his home you will find him desiring to spend the bulk of his time at these places.  Further, when a man experiences a put down in public, he will feel disrespect.

On the other hand, when a woman experiences a put down, she will feel a lack of love.  If she feels that lack of love from her husband, she will begin to separate herself from him emotionally in an effort to protect herself.  Loving your wife through loving acts of service, loving words and physical touches of love will draw her closer to your heart.  When a father expresses love to his daughter and a mother expresses respect to her son, those parents will reach into the very core of their child calling forth their womanhood and their manhood.  Men, ask your wife in what ways can you grow in your expressions of love toward her.  Women, ask your husband in what ways can you grow in showing and expressing respect and honor.   And, please, start by sharing one way, not twenty.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Ten Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number eight: Every Marriage Needs a Mission

God gave Adam and Eve a mission, to tend the garden together.  He gave Nehemiah a mission to rebuild destroyed and burnt walls.  He gave Peter and Paul a similar mission to two different people groups.  Jesus had a mission to fulfill from His Father and then He asked us to join Him in the great co-mission.  Wouldn’t it seem reasonable that God has a mission for every married couple?  Unfortunately, many marriages today lack a cooperative mission.  The husband is doing his thing with a teen boys Sunday school class and his wife is meeting with the woman’s missionary support team.  However, if God has called you together, He has purpose and mission in that call.  Even to operate a small business, a couple must be in agreement and flow together in a cooperative mission.

That is where Ephesians 5 comes in when it tells us to submit to one another and then for wives to submit to husbands.  That word submission in the Greek is Hupo Tasso and it means to arrange under toward a mission.  We know the prefix “sub” in the word submission means under, i.e., under the mission.  So, the question one must ask when it comes to wives submitting is: what’s the mission?  What is she submitting to?  It is certainly not every selfish wish and whim of the leader.  Let me paint a picture for you as I see it.

Every train has and is in total need of a track.  Which one is more important, the track or the train?  Neither is more important, the one fails without the other.  The train’s mission is completed by the direction and support of the track.  Mary and I first wrote our own mission statement for our marriage and family more than 15 years ago.  We have seen many areas fulfilled and have rewritten our statement numerous times, but our mission statement for our call together still exists.  We totally and fully believe that every marriage needs a mission.  Do yourselves a favor and write your marriage mission statement together as soon as you can, pray over it and review it at least annually.  When you find this agreement in couple mission, you’ll also realize agreement in many other areas of marriage.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number 3: Honor

Thirty seven years of marriage can teach you lots of things.  When we spoke our vows to one another, to God and to those who witnessed our wedding, we were young, could not see any sickness ahead or any major bumps in the road.  We went as far as to say that we would honor each other.  Honor, what an interesting word?  How does a 21-year-old comprehend honor?  Romans 12 says to honor one another above yourself.  Selfishly, I couldn’t wait to be married for all of the benefits.  In the Greek, the word for honor is, “temay” and it means to give of your time for another to be more important than you are (not quite the definition of selfishness).

In selfishness, we naturally dishonor in word and deed.  We use “put downs,” joke about our mate, neglect their needs, are lacking in affection, and want to talk rather than listen.  Further, homes that do not honor God and give Him first place will as well lack honor within the marriage relationship (see John 5:23 & 12:26).  Children will not honor their parents when honor is missing within the marriage.  Dishonor comes easily while honor comes with sacrifice of one’s self.  To honor is to serve, to speak life and encouragement.  It is to esteem and to respect.  It is to see the queen in every woman and the king in every man.  Honor focuses on the gifts and strengths and acknowledges them out loud.  Honor defends, believes in and stands guard over one’s life mate.  As you choose to give and show honor, it will change your marriage and your life.

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Number One Relationship Inhibitor

A few of years ago, I heard about a study of primary school children.  The study was centered on trying to discover the number one inhibitor to their creativity and eventually to their performance.  I was intrigued as to what these social scientists identified.  While there were many ingredients, there was one area that stood out as the number one killer of creativity and it wasn’t the loss of a parent or the family financial status.  The number one inhibitor was critical judgment.  When words of critical judgment are cast upon another human being, that person begins to suffer a creativity crisis that can lead to an identity crisis.

When a child hears these consistent words and tone of voice or nonverbal looks that say, “We never planned you; you were not wanted; you obviously don’t belong in this family,” they will begin to believe these words.  Their life will be scared and their demeanor, the look on their face or life expectations, will take on this spirit of critical judgment like a cloud hovering over them.

Do you want to “kill” your spouse and end up killing your marriage, then regularly speak words of critical judgment like, “I don’t know why I married a loser like you; of course you’re not ready on time, you never are; could you possibly be any more stupid; you are the world’s worst when it comes to directions; why can’t you get a better job?”  Or, if you want to begin a release of creativity and affirmation in your mate then try speaking words of blessing like, “You’re amazing; you work so hard; you look beautiful or handsome today; I am thrilled to be married to you; I love your hair that way.”  Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  Proverbs 12:18

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital

Deception in Marriage

Is there room for any form of deception in marriage…lying?  Can we keep some information from our life mate about ourselves, about them or about some other important issue in life?  Do all of us have secrets that no one else knows?  For what reason would we hide something from our mates?  Perhaps we feel that it would be too hurtful to them and there is nothing to be gained by them knowing.  Yes, I suppose there are times when we do not reveal all, but the process of how one makes that decision is perhaps the most important piece.  Do we withhold out of protection and love or out of deception submersed in pride and fear?

One day I was with a friend who spoke a critical word toward my wife.  I was stunned.  While he saw his observation as accurate, I knew that I would never speak these words to my wife; there would be no redemptive factor.  On the other hand, to withhold because we failed in sin is a cover-up.  The protection is of our own pride, fear, and lack of full repentance to be completely honest with our God and then our spouse (Psalm 59:12).  Where there is cover-up, mark my word, there will eventually be exposure.  At that point, the issue will be far greater in impact and devastation to your oneness.  Hosea wrote that if we would sow righteousness we would reap unfailing love and then this verse followed, “But, you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception on your own strength…” (Hosea 10: 11, 12).  If there is an ongoing deception you live with, I would encourage you to speak to God about it and then ask Him for the process of how to confess to your mate and trust Him for a deeper marriage relationship void of secrets.

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