This is the twenty-first and the final in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  It is a list of questions that I have compiled over time from those who were involved in healthy and unhealthy relationships.  Be totally honest with yourself and record your answers.

21. Do I love and respect myself enough to say “yes” to healthy relationships and “no” to unhealthy relationships?  The following are a few questions to ask yourself:

Do I keep finding similar unhealthy patterns in my dating relationships?

Do I try to “fix” those I date?

Do I cling on to those who I date, causing them to feel smothered?

Do I feel valued for who I am within my opposite sex relationships?

What makes this a safe or unsafe relationship?

How is conflict resolved within this relationship?

Do I feel this person really listens to me with respect?

Is there any power struggle within this relationship?

Who is the leader?

Am I 100% honest with this person, why or why not?

Do I feel like a better, more valuable person around this relationship?

Is my unique and individual identity in tact when I am with this person or do I feel that I need to be someone else?

Do I feel pressure to do or say things I am not comfortable with?

Is sexual activity a part of this relationship or do I feel pushed in that direction?

Am I being asked to quit something I enjoy or pull away from any of my same-sex friends?

Am I growing and being challenged in a positive way through this relationship?

Do I feel accepted unconditionally?

Do I have the freedom to think and feel differently than the one I am dating?

Do I feel any form of manipulation in this relationship and if so, why?

Is my spiritual walk encouraged and enhanced by this person?

Do I like who I am when I spend time with this person?

How is this relationship encouraging me to fulfill my dreams and reach my goals?

This is the twentieth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

20. Can this person forgive and release?  Does this person get offended quickly?  Does he/she hold grudges?  Does conflict help him/her to grow and become better or bitter?  Does he/she avoid others, grow quiet or become angry when those relationships present challenges or confrontation?  (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32)

Do you know the six most challenging, most difficult words to say in a committed relationship like engagement and marriage?  Those six words are, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”  Ask any of your friends that are married how easy those words come.  Ask long-term married persons if they are over their pride so that those six words roll off of their tongue quite easily.  Why are they so tough to speak when we can apologize so quickly to the stranger on the street?  Why are we so full of pride when it comes to admitting that we could be wrong around those we love the most?  That’s just it…those we love the most.  We have the most invested in those relationships.  We just don’t want to disappoint those persons who are closest to us, who really know who we are.  We don’t want to be wrong around them because we don’t want to fail them.  We make it a “right” and a “wrong” issue when it is really an issue of being able to humble ourselves and admit that we do not know it all, we are not always right and we do not always have the best of intentions.  Sometimes we are purely selfish and that is hard to face.

Maturity brings with it a spirit of humility and an ability to quickly ask for forgiveness, as well as, forgiving others.  It is a choice we make.  God is using those persons around you to build Himself in you so that we can also say, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”   (Luke 23:34)

This is the nineteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

19. How does this person view finances and is he/she a good steward of personal wealth?  (Continued)  How did your family of origin handle finances?  Were the bills paid on time?  Did your parents incur a lot of debt?  Were your parents generous with their money and incorporate a spirit of giving or were they always “tight” with their finances?  Did they argue a lot or agree on the use of money?  (Ecclesiastes 5:10; Matthew 6:24; I Peter 5:2; Luke 19: 11-27)

Our family of origin helps to mold and to shape who we are.  As you look back at your family and how they viewed money, do you see any personal connections as to how you view money?  Most likely you see some positives and some negatives.  If your family seemed to always struggle with money, your natural reaction will be to look for security from a prospective partner, not wanting them to take unnecessary financial risks.  If your family tithed and helped the less fortunate, you will have a completely different perspective about the use of money.

Agreement in the use of money is far more powerful (not to mention life-giving to marriage) than disagreement.  When we agree on the use of our money, it releases the blessing of unity.  This is illustrated in Luke chapter 19 in the parable of the ten Minas.  The servants were told by their master to “put this money to work…”  Later the master returned …”to find out  what they had gained…”  The trustworthy ones did in fact invest the money and realized a gain and were given greater responsibility and authority.  They reaped what they sowed.  The servant who responded in fear, gained nothing and what he had, was given to the one who gained the most because he acted the most trustworthy.

Is Jesus Lord of your finances?  Does He own it all?  Are you a trustworthy servant?  Do you walk free of the love of money?  Before you merge two incomes into one, search God’s word and gain His perspective on finances.  It will save you a lot of heart ache.

This is the seventeenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

17. Does this person handle conflict well?  What is his/her method of handling conflict in life?  Can this person deal with conflict in a healthy manner and effectively work through differences?  Does this person avoid it, ignore it or internalize his/her feelings?  Does he/she get angry and sulk, get loud and verbally abusive or respond physically?  Does this person seek humility or self-justification?  (Proverbs 11:2; 15:1; 22:24; 29:11, 22)

I Corinthians 13: 5 tells us that love is not easily angered and does not keep record of wrongs.  Do you ever find yourself tempted to keep a mental note of those who hurt you?  In NASCAR auto racing they call it “pay backs.”  In other words, you wreck me, be assured sometime when the right opportunity surfaces, I will wreck you.  Social scientists tell us that the number one determining factor of whether or not a marriage will make it is the ability of the couple to properly deal with conflict.  Did you get that?  It is not connected to whether or not you have conflict or how much conflict, but what is your ability to actually work through the conflict.  Two questions to consider: How did your family deal with conflict?  How do you tend to handle conflict? 

Historically, the family I was raised in pretended that the conflict did not happen and we would continue through our day not dealing with it and consequently never find any solution to the issue.  If you can maturely work through a conflict to the point of a satisfactory resolve, you are ahead of the game.  Arguing with ongoing heated words over the “problem” as you see it, will keep you from maturely arriving at a solution.  The next time you find yourself in a conflict, try steering the disagreement toward a solution sooner.  You’ll be amazed at the difference.

This is the sixteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

16. How do you observe his/her personal relationships?  What is the nature of this person’s relationships with parents, siblings, friends, bosses at work or teachers at school, neighbors, co-workers and former significant others?  Does this person walk in freedom from past hurts or wounds from peers or authority figures?  Does he/she tend to blame others for relational issues, or does he/she take ownership of personal shortcomings?  Does this person acknowledge and apologize when he/she is wrong?  (Matthew 6: 14; Colossians 3: 12-13; I Timothy 2: 1-2)

Somewhere I read about this fellow who took on a new job and was asked by his new boss about the atmosphere of his former employment.  The man replied, “It was terrible, the people were difficult and the bosses were impossible. ”  Then he added, “I sure hope it’s different here.”  His new manager quickly retorted, “It won’t be.”  He was coming with the wrong attitude and he’ll most likely leave with the wrong attitude.  Maturity means that we take responsibility.  Life hurts and stings are simply not everyone else’s fault.  If someone you love rarely takes responsibility for their shortcomings, believe me, eventually you’ll be their target.  I once knew a man like this who could not keep a job.  Oh, he was a hard worker and all, but he could not take orders from anyone.  This type of person ends up being able to only work for themselves, being their own boss.

Relationships are the most important thing in life.  While we do not choose our parents, our siblings and some others, it is our choice in how hard we work at humbling ourselves in order to get along with them.  Someone wisely said, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship?”  There are times in life when both are not an option.  Walk humbly before your God and one another.  Show lots of grace, because it’s grace you’ll need for yourself one day.  Meditate on the above noted scripture, stop blaming others, look in the mirror and resolve to take the necessary steps of change toward humility.

This is the fifteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

15. How does this person spend his/her free time?  Does this person understand and demonstrate a healthy balance between work and rest, or is he/she unable to detach from work and enjoy leisure and personal activities?  Does this person spend an excessive amount of time using and interacting with technology and social media (e.g., cell phone, internet, television, video games, Facebook)?  Is this person pursuing healthy and productive hobbies, activities and interests?  How do you spend your free time together?  (Matthew 13:1)

One of my favorite New Testament verses states, “That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake.”  I simply love this verse because I crave what it says.  Our Lord, on earth with a three and one half-year window, took the necessary time to sit by the lake.  What was He doing?  That’s just it, He wasn’t “doing” He was being.  He took time out to rest, to reflect, to breath in the fresh air that surrounds the tranquil presence of water.  We live in a culture that is noisy and full of time-stealing stuff.  Can you, can this person you are interested in take the time to “sit by the lake” and enjoy each other along with His presence?  Work is a gift from God and so is rest.  How do you like to rest?  Does this special person allow you to just take a break, leave you alone and stop constantly calling or texting?  Can you honor them and do the same?  We are, at times, too accessible to one another.  Life is a balancing act in order to maintain our spiritual, physical and emotional health.

This is the thirteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

13. Can you identify the use of this person’s spiritual and natural gifts?  What gifts does this person have and is he/she faithfully using and sharing these gifts in service to God and others?  Is this person training others in these gifts and multiplying what God has given to him/her?  Does he/she recognize that these are God’s gifts not for one’s own profit, esteem or personal gain?  (Romans 11:29, 12:6; I Corinthians 12:4)

The scripture reveals that God gives gifts to everyone.   Believers and non-believers alike have been given gifts.  Have you ever had a gifted teacher in your life?  Have you ever heard a gifted musician?  As you consider this relationship, how do you see your gifts complimenting one another?  How have you already operated within your “gift mix?”  Mary and I are different in our gift mix and, while it has taken some time to discover, we now know our differing gifts actually are complimentary to one another.

Mary has a gift of giving and I have the gift of saving.  Before we saw how these two gifts actually help us as a couple, Mary thought I was too “tight” and I thought she was too much of a “spender.”  Discovering the balancing act, we now have a complimentary dance with our finances and God has blessed our unity and agreement.

Discover the gifts God has given you and how He has asked you to use them.  He desires to bring someone to you who will also embrace those gifts and offer a unified gift mix within your relationship.  Initially it may feel like an uncomplimentary difference, but remember, opposites attract for a reason.

This is the twelfth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

12. Is this person walking in high moral character, purity and integrity (continued)?  Does this person exhibit any questionable behavior or tendencies toward lying, exaggerating or story telling?  Are there any unexplained or irrational behaviors that he/she or you excuse?  Is his/her character ever called into question?  Is this person forthright, open and honest with you even if it makes him/her look bad?  What does integrity mean to this person?  Does it mean more than looking good in the sight of others?  Does he/she hold a biblical view of purity and holiness and is their definition of purity holiness the same as yours?   (Galatians 1:10; Proverbs 10:9, 11:3, 12:22)

Integrity means telling the truth 100% of the time.  Jesus never lied and He desires us to follow His example of integrity.  I have a friend who at one time worked at a department store customer service counter and he said he caught people in lies all the time.  Every day our courts have persons take an oath to tell the truth and then speak falsely on the witness stand.  Truth telling is a value that will stand the test of time in a relationship.  When we do lie, we will soon discover that another lie will be needed to cover the first one.  The Lord detests lying lips, but delights in the truth.  (Proverbs 12:22)  Are you speaking the truth in your relationship and are you hearing the truth?

Money has a way of showing the depth of our character.  Treasures expose the heart of a man or woman.  Financial values are exposed in our giving, our sowing, in paying our bills, in our business affairs and transactions.  The scriptures are clear when it says that we will never be able to handle spiritual wealth if we cannot be faithful with a little worldly wealth.  Is this person honest in all of their financial dealings?  If they are bragging about getting away with something now, it will continue with increase.  Integrity must be deeper than simply gaining riches.  A stingy man is eager to get rich and is unaware that poverty awaits him.  (Proverbs 28:22)