Category Archives: Premarital

Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number Two: Marriage is NOT about me

Do you know what the number one break-up of marriage is?  I do not believe it’s finances, sex, communication or even incompatibility (whatever that is).  I have come to believe that the number one break-up of marriage is selfishness.  Selfishness is at the core of the fall of man; it is at the core of each of us from infancy.  We want what we want and our culture reinforces that we can have it.  But marriage is not a once and done decision to get what we want.  It is not like working toward a college degree that once all assignments are handed in and tests passed, we’ve completed it and we’re finished.  Someone has said that marriage is like entering kindergarten; it’s the beginning.  When we enter kindergarten we soon discover that we are not the center of the universe and we do not get our needs met first.  We must learn to share, be kind to others and cooperate with the educational program or we will never learn a thing.

I have seen guys take better care of their cars than their wife.  I have observed women who bend over backwards to accommodate and care for their children, while clearly delivering a message to their husbands that they are of lesser priority than the children.  Philippians 2:3 & 4 states, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but consider others [your spouse?] better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”  It literally means to serve another or put their needs before your own.  Marriage is not about having your needs met, however; it is about meeting the needs of another, your spouse.  Can you imagine a relationship where both husband and wife are putting God first and then placing their spouse second as a life priority? That kind of marriage can begin today with you.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

The next ten weeks will include a series on our evaluation of marriage after 37 years of saying, “I still do.”   This is not simply reflection, but key ingredients that we feel are non-negotiable for the most amazing future.  While they are simple and not new revelation, the question will continually be, “Are we walking in them?”

Number One: Put God First

Jesus in Matthew 22: 36-39 told us to love God first and then love our neighbor as ourselves.  How do we love a neighbor, a spouse, a child or a friend without first knowing and receiving God’s love for ourselves?  When we know His love, He becomes our identity, our esteem, then and only then can we love others as we love ourselves.  Domestic violence is the number one crime against the family today.  How can one who has vowed to love as Christ loves His church possibly hit, harm or abuse their spouse in any way?  The answer is through self-hate.  Jail cells are full of self-haters and marriages are inundated with those who cannot love their spouse because they do not know and have not received a revelation of God’s love for themselves.

Before loving your spouse, before loving your children, your ministry and your job we need to love God and make Him Lord of our lives.  Marriage issues are individual issues.  As we love God first and allow Him to provide ongoing healing in our lives, we will at the same time discover ongoing healing in our marriage.  This relationship with God being our number one priority makes Him the bonding agent to your relationship.  Men, if you seriously desire to walk in this truth, your wife will become more secure, more trusting and more joyful with you as her leader.  Ladies, if you place God first, your husband will become more attracted, more understanding, more content and more open to you and to your wisdom.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Marriage Similarities vs. Marriage Differences

Remember when you were dating your spouse and you just knew that you had all things in common?  You found so many similar interests; so many shared ways of doing life.  Then you got married.  Soon you began to discover how different you were from the one you were convinced was just like you.  It was the similarities that brought you together and then, at that point, many couples are deceived into thinking that it is the dissimilarities or differences that begin to tear them apart.  Actually, the opposite is true.

It is the dissimilarities that once embraced actually become your strengths.  You begin to discover that your spouse is different, but in a way that adds to who you are rather than detracting from who you are.  Their strength may even be your weakness while your strengths help to complete them.   Two persons becoming one who are not the same or similar in all things makes for a stronger, healthier and more balanced union.  My wife will often see things a bit different from how I do and I need that view, as she needs mine.  Together, embracing the God-given differences, we are one powerful force.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Winning Him/Her Through a Deepening Love

Have you ever taken the time to watch two young people dance around one another, flirting, looking, waiting, watching, laughing and touching?  It’s kind of fun to observe and if you think hard enough you can remember those days in your progression of life.  In this decade, he is spending time at the gym buffing up, getting several cool tattoos, finding the latest jeans and attempting to keep up with the latest hair style.  She is doing a lot of the same while adding make-up, nail polish and hair highlights.  Both are desiring love; both wanting the other’s attention, neither completely sure of how to get it and what to expect.  Finding love is expensive, consumes your time and thoughts and most often does not work out (which wastes more time).  Today there are numerous on-line dating tools to help, but to many that’s a little like trying to win the million dollar lottery.

Men love the pursuit and women love being the catch.  But isn’t love deeper than a flirtatious dance and the change of outward appearances?  Once they are engaged or say “I do” and he stops the pursuit, while at the same time she realizes she’s been caught, then what?  Then, life – maturing life.  Love is laying your life down for this person, sacrificing your own needs.  It is not, “Check marriage off my list and now on with my career.”  Keeping this woman has nothing to do with tattoos, bigger muscles or cool beards and keeping this man will not relate to the latest shoes and purse combination.  Those things become rather shallow when real life decisions and bills come due.  She needs you to continue to chase her with a deepening love and an emotional presence.  He needs you to continue to respect and affirm him as the provider, the protector and the lover.  In the coming weeks, we will talk about this love factor that is needed in a growing and maturing marriage.  Meanwhile, read Ephesians 5: 15-33.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Acceptance and Marriage Failure

I like to write more about how marriages can succeed rather than how they can fail, but I guess we have to mention the latter at times to maintain a balance.  Author Gary Chapman states that marriages fail because of three main reasons: lack of an intimate relationship with God; lack of an intimate relationship with your mate and a lack of an intimate understanding and acceptance of yourself.  It seems easy to understand number one and number two but, acceptance of yourself?

When we become secure in whose we are and know our significance in our heavenly Father, we can begin to find self-acceptance.  When we know His love and approval of us, we no longer need to demand it from our spouse.  When we have His direction and His mission for our lives, then it is so much easier to discover the same for our marriage.  When we know who we are, we can stop demanding that our needs to be met and in maturity work on meeting the needs of our spouse.  Anxiety can leave our marriage and rest can take up residence.  Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you. (Romans 15:7)

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Number One Relationship Inhibitor

A few of years ago, I heard about a study of primary school children.  The study was centered on trying to discover the number one inhibitor to their creativity and eventually to their performance.  I was intrigued as to what these social scientists identified.  While there were many ingredients, there was one area that stood out as the number one killer of creativity and it wasn’t the loss of a parent or the family financial status.  The number one inhibitor was critical judgment.  When words of critical judgment are cast upon another human being, that person begins to suffer a creativity crisis that can lead to an identity crisis.

When a child hears these consistent words and tone of voice or nonverbal looks that say, “We never planned you; you were not wanted; you obviously don’t belong in this family,” they will begin to believe these words.  Their life will be scared and their demeanor, the look on their face or life expectations, will take on this spirit of critical judgment like a cloud hovering over them.

Do you want to “kill” your spouse and end up killing your marriage, then regularly speak words of critical judgment like, “I don’t know why I married a loser like you; of course you’re not ready on time, you never are; could you possibly be any more stupid; you are the world’s worst when it comes to directions; why can’t you get a better job?”  Or, if you want to begin a release of creativity and affirmation in your mate then try speaking words of blessing like, “You’re amazing; you work so hard; you look beautiful or handsome today; I am thrilled to be married to you; I love your hair that way.”  Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  Proverbs 12:18

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Marriage and Selfish Ambition

When two individuals say “I do” and start the process of becoming one, a battle begins.  It’s a battle to save individuality, self-identity and pride.  The latter goes away with the most difficulty.  After many years of marriage and marriage counseling, I have come to the belief that most marriage issues are not really marriage issues at all.  By that I mean the marriage is not the issue, the individual is.  We bring our assumptions and expectations, our individual desires and dreams, our needs and wants into this relationship with barely a thought of the needs and desires of another.  Do you remember when you first discovered that this person whom you chose to spend the rest of your life with cannot meet your needs?  Shocking.  Typically, we then force our way and demand our needs to be met.  We fight and argue, push and pull, scream threats and walk out, but nothing changes.

Throughout all of this we hear a quiet voice coming from our spirit that says, “It’s you who needs to change, not her/him.”   Two becoming one can bring the worst out of us and He uses the person that we are madly in love with to do it.  Since we don’t like seeing our worst, we demand change of our mate –  a selfish move on our part.  Immaturity always wants its needs met, while maturity desires to meet the needs of the other.  Listen to these words of wisdom, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others (your spouse) better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (your spouse).”  (Philippians 2: 3, 4)  Now there’s a great idea.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Thankfulness in Our Marriage

When is the last time you thanked your wife for doing the laundry or your husband for washing the car?  By the way, have you spoken a word of thanks to your husband for running the vacuum cleaner or your wife for balancing the checkbook?  One day I was driving home from my office and the Lord reminded me of I Timothy 6: 6, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”  When discontent surfaces in our spirit toward our spouse, we can quickly lose thankfulness.  We focus on all the things our spouse is not doing or expectations that are unmet rather than focusing on all the good things they are accomplishing.  Further, until we reach contentment in our own life, we’ll experience discontent creeping in toward others.

Why do we measure personal contentment by what we expect from others?  For example, I have heard parents say, “I’ll be content when this kid gets out of diapers or when he goes to school or when she graduates or…”  When I was reminded of that verse in I Timothy on my drive home, I sensed that God was saying, “Contentment is NOW, not WHEN _________.”  (You can fill in the blank.)  If I am thankful for my wife and the many things she does to care for our marriage now, then I will not waste time in discontent and thanklessness, both of which are extremely unproductive.  Thankfulness in our marriages is contagious, especially when expressed for the many daily routine tasks.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital

Disagreements in the Marriage Relationship

If you are married any length of time, you quickly discovered that this person who you thought was just like you was in reality quite different from you.  In fact, you may have wondered where this new person came from and where your former husband or wife went.  Counselors will tell us that most couples know how to fight, but what they do not know how to do is resolve their conflicts.  We’re good at stating our cause, defending our side and being right.  But, if the goal is being right, then one of you has to admit being wrong.  We all know how hard that confession becomes.

One day I was complaining to God about how often I have to apologize to my wife.  So, I asked Him why is that so frequently the case.  His answer?  Because I was the one who was so often wrong – ouch.  James 4 asks an interesting question, “Where do fights and quarrels come from among you?”  Great question wouldn’t you say?  What’s the answer?  “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but you don’t get it.”  Think of your last fight or disagreement.  You wanted one thing and your spouse wanted another.  Maybe both of you wanted something good, but it turned into a “who is right” rather than doing what James further encourages us to do.

“You quarrel and you fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.”  Rather than fighting, God wants us to ask Him – pray together.  After all, what’s more powerful than disagreement?  Agreement.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Marriage is a Team Effort

God loves teams.  The very first team was the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.   Adam and Eve were created to be a team of two and then as children were born, a family team.  God encouraged teams for Moses of tens, hundreds and thousands.  Jesus had a team of twelve and an even closer team of three.  Many of us love team sports and have even played them.  Teams work together for a common goal through common values and a common plan.  Teams practice every day at becoming better in their sport or their sales goals.

When a team begins to fight with or pick on one another, they defeat themselves.   Something I call the Terrell Owens syndrome is when a team member sees himself as more valuable than his teammates.  These types of thoughts eventually lead him to feeling superior through thinking the team needs him but he doesn’t need the team.  Team members watch each other’s backs. (Think Michael Orr when he was learning the game of football portrayed in the movie Blind Side.)   Teams have their differences, but they realize they cannot hold on to them or it will affect the outcome of the game.

How are you working on team in your marriage?  If your marriage was a professional doubles tennis team, what would need to change in order for you to be in sync on the court?  Or, if you were a professional dance team, how would you anticipate your partner’s next move so that you can move with him?

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