Category Archives: Premarital

Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Thankfulness in Our Marriage

When is the last time you thanked your wife for doing the laundry or your husband for washing the car?  By the way, have you spoken a word of thanks to your husband for running the vacuum cleaner or your wife for balancing the checkbook?  One day I was driving home from my office and the Lord reminded me of I Timothy 6: 6, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”  When discontent surfaces in our spirit toward our spouse, we can quickly lose thankfulness.  We focus on all the things our spouse is not doing or expectations that are unmet rather than focusing on all the good things they are accomplishing.  Further, until we reach contentment in our own life, we’ll experience discontent creeping in toward others.

Why do we measure personal contentment by what we expect from others?  For example, I have heard parents say, “I’ll be content when this kid gets out of diapers or when he goes to school or when she graduates or…”  When I was reminded of that verse in I Timothy on my drive home, I sensed that God was saying, “Contentment is NOW, not WHEN _________.”  (You can fill in the blank.)  If I am thankful for my wife and the many things she does to care for our marriage now, then I will not waste time in discontent and thanklessness, both of which are extremely unproductive.  Thankfulness in our marriages is contagious, especially when expressed for the many daily routine tasks.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital

Disagreements in the Marriage Relationship

If you are married any length of time, you quickly discovered that this person who you thought was just like you was in reality quite different from you.  In fact, you may have wondered where this new person came from and where your former husband or wife went.  Counselors will tell us that most couples know how to fight, but what they do not know how to do is resolve their conflicts.  We’re good at stating our cause, defending our side and being right.  But, if the goal is being right, then one of you has to admit being wrong.  We all know how hard that confession becomes.

One day I was complaining to God about how often I have to apologize to my wife.  So, I asked Him why is that so frequently the case.  His answer?  Because I was the one who was so often wrong – ouch.  James 4 asks an interesting question, “Where do fights and quarrels come from among you?”  Great question wouldn’t you say?  What’s the answer?  “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but you don’t get it.”  Think of your last fight or disagreement.  You wanted one thing and your spouse wanted another.  Maybe both of you wanted something good, but it turned into a “who is right” rather than doing what James further encourages us to do.

“You quarrel and you fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.”  Rather than fighting, God wants us to ask Him – pray together.  After all, what’s more powerful than disagreement?  Agreement.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Marriage is a Team Effort

God loves teams.  The very first team was the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.   Adam and Eve were created to be a team of two and then as children were born, a family team.  God encouraged teams for Moses of tens, hundreds and thousands.  Jesus had a team of twelve and an even closer team of three.  Many of us love team sports and have even played them.  Teams work together for a common goal through common values and a common plan.  Teams practice every day at becoming better in their sport or their sales goals.

When a team begins to fight with or pick on one another, they defeat themselves.   Something I call the Terrell Owens syndrome is when a team member sees himself as more valuable than his teammates.  These types of thoughts eventually lead him to feeling superior through thinking the team needs him but he doesn’t need the team.  Team members watch each other’s backs. (Think Michael Orr when he was learning the game of football portrayed in the movie Blind Side.)   Teams have their differences, but they realize they cannot hold on to them or it will affect the outcome of the game.

How are you working on team in your marriage?  If your marriage was a professional doubles tennis team, what would need to change in order for you to be in sync on the court?  Or, if you were a professional dance team, how would you anticipate your partner’s next move so that you can move with him?

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital, Small Groups

The Most Intimate Thing a Couple Can Do

Is sexual intimacy the most intimate aspect of marriage?  Is sex the most intimate act between two human beings?  If the answer is “yes,” then social scientists are correct when they conclude that at our very core, we are primarily sexual beings.  But, Scripture tells us we are spirit, soul and body (I Thessalonians 5:23).  If we were just soul and body, I might be inclined to agree with social scientists.  God, however, in creating us in His image added the eternal part of us, the spirit.  Therefore, I would conclude that we are primarily spirit, having a soul (will, mind and emotions), all housed on this earth in our temporary vessel, the body.  If we are primarily spirit, then our first function, our most important function is to worship God.

What does all this have to do with sexual intimacy and marriage?  It is to conclude that sex is NOT the most intimate aspect of marriage.  What is then?  Seeking the face of God together.  Prayer between husband and wife, spirit to spirit, to Holy Spirit is the most intimate thing we can be involved in within the marriage covenant.  No wonder so many Christian couples do not pray together. For far too many, it’s way too intimate to fully disclose your heart, speak your deepest desires and blurt out your darkest brokenness.  The enemy knows that if we take a step of faith and enter into this closet of prayer intimacy with our life mate, nothing will stop us.  When two or three agree…  Agreement together in the Spirit is a place of unity, a place of oneness and that place, dear ones, is far more powerful than disagreement.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Prayer, Premarital

Married and Friends: The Trust Factor IV

It was Jesus who told us to trust in God and in Him (John 14: 1).  Is it easy to trust God?  Humanly speaking, the first thing we often consider when trusting is if we have experienced failure in some way.  If we find no failure or fault in a relationship, then we trust.  The end result of this type of thinking is that trust can (and will) be broken rather quickly and easily; it only takes one incident of mistrust.  Trust within a marriage relationship is tested quite often.  If there is not a bank load of trust in the relationship, we will come to expect failure which, of course, will reinforce why we should not fully trust another, even God.

Close friends communicate deeply.  Close Christian friends communicate with God: we call it prayer.  Marriages that truly desire to build trust cannot do so through correct behavior, actions or reactions only.  We all fail sometime.  Marriages that meet within the intimacy of prayer, will find a trust that is deeper, less fault-finding and far more grace-filled than those marriages that do not engage in prayer.  Married partners too often move toward a trusted same-sex friend to pray with, thwarting the very design of God for intimacy within the gift of marriage oneness.  Want to build your trust bank?  Start praying together regularly.  (Perhaps you could leave a “reply” with this entry about how you have found prayer building trust in your marriage relationship in order to help others.)

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Married and Friends: The Trust Factor II

The month of February has a wonderful tradition in the middle of it, Valentine’s Day. With that in mind, I thought I would set aside this month for marriage topics, or perhaps more than this month – who knows.

We have often heard that trust is built on a very thin thread.  Because relationships are the most important thing in life, trust becomes a key ingredient.  Without trust, a relationship can only go so far.  The relationship will have a very clear line of demarcation that says, “This is as far as we go until there is a deeper level of trust.”  Whether it is a work relationship, a marriage relationship or a local church relationship, building trust takes time.  When trust is broken, especially by those who we love, the hurt is deeper and taken more personally.  The fact remains, the less I have invested in a relationship, the less the hurt.

“But I thought I could trust you…” are words none of us ever desire to hear.  It means someone feels that we have failed them.  The trust factor, when connected to love in a relationship that we have spent hours or perhaps years investing in, is a huge ingredient in the future of the relationship.  In other words, sow seeds of trusting and being trustworthy today and you’ll reap the harvest of a deeper relationship tomorrow.  Said another way, if mistrust is felt or expressed today, perhaps we need to take a closer look at yesterday.

For example, if every time you go shopping you spend more money than what you and your spouse agreed upon, trust erodes with each incident.  As we recognize our weaknesses through the mistakes we make and take responsibility for them with accountability, the trust level can be rebuilt.  Like a broken bone in our body, it takes a significant time to heal.  But once it does, medical science tells us that the bone will not break there again as it welds itself back into place.

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Premarital, Singles

Boy Meets Girl

In 1947, for every 100 female college students there were 245 male students on campus.  Now for every 100 women on college campuses there are 74 male students.  In the book, Premarital Sex in America authors Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker found that three-fourths of 18 to 23 year-old women are in dating relationships and that 94% of those are sexually involved.  Girls who are involved with multiple sexual relationships through their dating years are 11 times more likely to have elevated depression symptoms than virgins.  Those involved in “one night stands” also feel disrespected.  Guys are in control of when the dating relationship begins and the girls are in control of when sex begins.  Regnerus and Uecker found that when women compete for men, men win and the price of sex goes down.  (World Magazine June 2011)

Wake up single men of God.  Your heavenly Father’s daughters do not desire sex outside of marriage, but what they do desire is your attention, your commitment, your care, your encouragement, your emotional and spiritual connection, your godly manhood and your pure love.  Take a lesson from an Old Testament saint who was tried and found righteous, “I made a covenant with my eyes to not look lustfully at a girl.”  (Job 31:1)  And from Paul, “For the grace of God…teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.” (Titus 2: 11, 12)

Wake up single women of God, you are worth the wait.  Do not lower yourselves to todays desperate standards and lack of boundaries.  You are far more attractive to a godly man when you walk in confidence, security, sexual purity, the fear of the Lord and maintain biblical boundaries for yourself.  “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”  (Proverbs 31:30)

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #21

This is the twenty-first and the final in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  It is a list of questions that I have compiled over time from those who were involved in healthy and unhealthy relationships.  Be totally honest with yourself and record your answers.

21. Do I love and respect myself enough to say “yes” to healthy relationships and “no” to unhealthy relationships?  The following are a few questions to ask yourself:

Do I keep finding similar unhealthy patterns in my dating relationships?

Do I try to “fix” those I date?

Do I cling on to those who I date, causing them to feel smothered?

Do I feel valued for who I am within my opposite sex relationships?

What makes this a safe or unsafe relationship?

How is conflict resolved within this relationship?

Do I feel this person really listens to me with respect?

Is there any power struggle within this relationship?

Who is the leader?

Am I 100% honest with this person, why or why not?

Do I feel like a better, more valuable person around this relationship?

Is my unique and individual identity in tact when I am with this person or do I feel that I need to be someone else?

Do I feel pressure to do or say things I am not comfortable with?

Is sexual activity a part of this relationship or do I feel pushed in that direction?

Am I being asked to quit something I enjoy or pull away from any of my same-sex friends?

Am I growing and being challenged in a positive way through this relationship?

Do I feel accepted unconditionally?

Do I have the freedom to think and feel differently than the one I am dating?

Do I feel any form of manipulation in this relationship and if so, why?

Is my spiritual walk encouraged and enhanced by this person?

Do I like who I am when I spend time with this person?

How is this relationship encouraging me to fulfill my dreams and reach my goals?

 

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #20

This is the twentieth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

20. Can this person forgive and release?  Does this person get offended quickly?  Does he/she hold grudges?  Does conflict help him/her to grow and become better or bitter?  Does he/she avoid others, grow quiet or become angry when those relationships present challenges or confrontation?  (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32)

Do you know the six most challenging, most difficult words to say in a committed relationship like engagement and marriage?  Those six words are, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”  Ask any of your friends that are married how easy those words come.  Ask long-term married persons if they are over their pride so that those six words roll off of their tongue quite easily.  Why are they so tough to speak when we can apologize so quickly to the stranger on the street?  Why are we so full of pride when it comes to admitting that we could be wrong around those we love the most?  That’s just it…those we love the most.  We have the most invested in those relationships.  We just don’t want to disappoint those persons who are closest to us, who really know who we are.  We don’t want to be wrong around them because we don’t want to fail them.  We make it a “right” and a “wrong” issue when it is really an issue of being able to humble ourselves and admit that we do not know it all, we are not always right and we do not always have the best of intentions.  Sometimes we are purely selfish and that is hard to face.

Maturity brings with it a spirit of humility and an ability to quickly ask for forgiveness, as well as, forgiving others.  It is a choice we make.  God is using those persons around you to build Himself in you so that we can also say, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”   (Luke 23:34)

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #19

This is the nineteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

19. How does this person view finances and is he/she a good steward of personal wealth?  (Continued)  How did your family of origin handle finances?  Were the bills paid on time?  Did your parents incur a lot of debt?  Were your parents generous with their money and incorporate a spirit of giving or were they always “tight” with their finances?  Did they argue a lot or agree on the use of money?  (Ecclesiastes 5:10; Matthew 6:24; I Peter 5:2; Luke 19: 11-27)

Our family of origin helps to mold and to shape who we are.  As you look back at your family and how they viewed money, do you see any personal connections as to how you view money?  Most likely you see some positives and some negatives.  If your family seemed to always struggle with money, your natural reaction will be to look for security from a prospective partner, not wanting them to take unnecessary financial risks.  If your family tithed and helped the less fortunate, you will have a completely different perspective about the use of money.

Agreement in the use of money is far more powerful (not to mention life-giving to marriage) than disagreement.  When we agree on the use of our money, it releases the blessing of unity.  This is illustrated in Luke chapter 19 in the parable of the ten Minas.  The servants were told by their master to “put this money to work…”  Later the master returned …”to find out  what they had gained…”  The trustworthy ones did in fact invest the money and realized a gain and were given greater responsibility and authority.  They reaped what they sowed.  The servant who responded in fear, gained nothing and what he had, was given to the one who gained the most because he acted the most trustworthy.

Is Jesus Lord of your finances?  Does He own it all?  Are you a trustworthy servant?  Do you walk free of the love of money?  Before you merge two incomes into one, search God’s word and gain His perspective on finances.  It will save you a lot of heart ache.

 

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