Number 5: Change vs. Resistance

Resistance just comes naturally.  Often our first response to our child when they make a request is, “No.”  Charles Swindol once said that if he could raise his children over again he would say “yes” more often.  Without thought, have you said “no” to your spouse more often than you have said “yes?”  We resist because some things initially seem out-of-order or different; we resist because it’s new and unfamiliar; we resist because the new way represents change and change is often insecure to us, hard work, uncomfortable and/or outside of our “normal” range.  In our marriage, I love change while Mary finds herself often initially resistant, at least until she can “see” the need for change.  The thought can be, “Why change, things are fine the way they are.”

God, however, specializes in change by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2).  His change is for our individual good, maturity, and healing (to become more like Him).  But here’s the catch: He often uses our spouse to provoke certain change in our life.  Early in our marriage, I thought Mary was a spender and she thought me to be tight with finances.  As God opened our eyes to each other’s gifts, we discovered that Mary was a giver, one who blesses, and I was the one who was saving for future needs and future vision.  Together, as we adapted to change vs. resistance, we became a powerful team of balance.  As we embrace godly change, we may discover a gift in our mate that we have been resisting and it just may lead to a deeper unity.

Number Four: The Six Most Difficult Words to Say in Marriage

Why is it so easy to apologize to the person on the street when you bump into him?  How can apologies come flying out of your mouth so fast with a complete stranger?  Why is it so difficult to say that you are sorry to your spouse when you “bump” into their emotions or unknowingly hit a sensitive issue?  To the stranger on the street, we have nothing invested; the relationship is nonexistent and therefore an easy apology surfaces.  To the one you have invested your life into, that’s a different story.  What are the six most difficult words in marriage?  In my opinion they are: “I am sorry, I was wrong.”  To make it nine words add, “…please forgive me.”

There is an amazing question in chapter four verse one of the book of James, “What cause fights and quarrels among you?”  Think back to the last words of disagreement you had with your spouse.  The next verse reveals the desire of that disagreement.  “You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and you covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.”  At the core of conflict is a desire for something and it may actually be a good desire.  But when we do not get the response we’re looking for, James says we then take selfish means to make it happen.  In our human nature, we quarrel and we fight because we are forgetting a very important step – asking God.  The sooner we come together to “ask God” the fewer times we’ll have to say the six, no the nine, most difficult words.

I like to write more about how marriages can succeed rather than how they can fail, but I guess we have to mention the latter at times to maintain a balance.  Author Gary Chapman states that marriages fail because of three main reasons: lack of an intimate relationship with God; lack of an intimate relationship with your mate and a lack of an intimate understanding and acceptance of yourself.  It seems easy to understand number one and number two but, acceptance of yourself?

When we become secure in whose we are and know our significance in our heavenly Father, we can begin to find self-acceptance.  When we know His love and approval of us, we no longer need to demand it from our spouse.  When we have His direction and His mission for our lives, then it is so much easier to discover the same for our marriage.  When we know who we are, we can stop demanding that our needs to be met and in maturity work on meeting the needs of our spouse.  Anxiety can leave our marriage and rest can take up residence.  Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you. (Romans 15:7)

When two individuals say “I do” and start the process of becoming one, a battle begins.  It’s a battle to save individuality, self-identity and pride.  The latter goes away with the most difficulty.  After many years of marriage and marriage counseling, I have come to the belief that most marriage issues are not really marriage issues at all.  By that I mean the marriage is not the issue, the individual is.  We bring our assumptions and expectations, our individual desires and dreams, our needs and wants into this relationship with barely a thought of the needs and desires of another.  Do you remember when you first discovered that this person whom you chose to spend the rest of your life with cannot meet your needs?  Shocking.  Typically, we then force our way and demand our needs to be met.  We fight and argue, push and pull, scream threats and walk out, but nothing changes.

Throughout all of this we hear a quiet voice coming from our spirit that says, “It’s you who needs to change, not her/him.”   Two becoming one can bring the worst out of us and He uses the person that we are madly in love with to do it.  Since we don’t like seeing our worst, we demand change of our mate –  a selfish move on our part.  Immaturity always wants its needs met, while maturity desires to meet the needs of the other.  Listen to these words of wisdom, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others (your spouse) better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (your spouse).”  (Philippians 2: 3, 4)  Now there’s a great idea.