Category Archives: Premarital

Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #18

This is the eighteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

18. How does this person view finances and is he/she a good steward of personal wealth?  What are this person’s financial values?  Does he/she pay bills on time?  Has this person incurred debt, and if so, what kind of debt is it (e.g., college loans, mortgage or car payments, credit card or consumer debt)?  Does this person value saving and giving?  What is his/her view of credit card usage?   ((Deuteronomy 8:17, 18; Proverbs 11:24, 25, 28; 13:22; 22:1,4,7)

When my wife and I take a couple through premarital and postmarital they must complete a budget sheet that looks at twelve months worth of income and expenses.  Over the course of a year, we get a much more complete picture of our finances and our financial values.  Can you guess what the outcome is?  Most couples are spending more than they take in before they say “I do.”  While our government can seem to do that, we cannot.  What we’re really talking about is financial values…do we share the same values when it comes to saving, spending and earning?  If I look at your credit card statement or bank account, I would be able to tell what you value financially.  Have you discussed this with the person you are in a relationship with?  So many of life’s marital disagreements end up being about money. 

In the beginning of our marriage, we had financial struggles.  As I saw it, Mary was a “spender” and I was a “saver.”  Of course in my mind, a saver was the better of the two, but I was wrong.  Mary was a giver and I needed to receive and embrace her value of giving.  I was concerned for our future and desired more financial security.  Mary also needed to take steps to adapt to my value so that the differences actually formed a stronger family financial value.  Consequently today, one of our strengths is our financial agreement.

We’ll continue the discussion on finances in the next blog entry…

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #17

This is the seventeenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

17. Does this person handle conflict well?  What is his/her method of handling conflict in life?  Can this person deal with conflict in a healthy manner and effectively work through differences?  Does this person avoid it, ignore it or internalize his/her feelings?  Does he/she get angry and sulk, get loud and verbally abusive or respond physically?  Does this person seek humility or self-justification?  (Proverbs 11:2; 15:1; 22:24; 29:11, 22)

I Corinthians 13: 5 tells us that love is not easily angered and does not keep record of wrongs.  Do you ever find yourself tempted to keep a mental note of those who hurt you?  In NASCAR auto racing they call it “pay backs.”  In other words, you wreck me, be assured sometime when the right opportunity surfaces, I will wreck you.  Social scientists tell us that the number one determining factor of whether or not a marriage will make it is the ability of the couple to properly deal with conflict.  Did you get that?  It is not connected to whether or not you have conflict or how much conflict, but what is your ability to actually work through the conflict.  Two questions to consider: How did your family deal with conflict?  How do you tend to handle conflict? 

Historically, the family I was raised in pretended that the conflict did not happen and we would continue through our day not dealing with it and consequently never find any solution to the issue.  If you can maturely work through a conflict to the point of a satisfactory resolve, you are ahead of the game.  Arguing with ongoing heated words over the “problem” as you see it, will keep you from maturely arriving at a solution.  The next time you find yourself in a conflict, try steering the disagreement toward a solution sooner.  You’ll be amazed at the difference.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #16

This is the sixteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

16. How do you observe his/her personal relationships?  What is the nature of this person’s relationships with parents, siblings, friends, bosses at work or teachers at school, neighbors, co-workers and former significant others?  Does this person walk in freedom from past hurts or wounds from peers or authority figures?  Does he/she tend to blame others for relational issues, or does he/she take ownership of personal shortcomings?  Does this person acknowledge and apologize when he/she is wrong?  (Matthew 6: 14; Colossians 3: 12-13; I Timothy 2: 1-2)

Somewhere I read about this fellow who took on a new job and was asked by his new boss about the atmosphere of his former employment.  The man replied, “It was terrible, the people were difficult and the bosses were impossible. ”  Then he added, “I sure hope it’s different here.”  His new manager quickly retorted, “It won’t be.”  He was coming with the wrong attitude and he’ll most likely leave with the wrong attitude.  Maturity means that we take responsibility.  Life hurts and stings are simply not everyone else’s fault.  If someone you love rarely takes responsibility for their shortcomings, believe me, eventually you’ll be their target.  I once knew a man like this who could not keep a job.  Oh, he was a hard worker and all, but he could not take orders from anyone.  This type of person ends up being able to only work for themselves, being their own boss.

Relationships are the most important thing in life.  While we do not choose our parents, our siblings and some others, it is our choice in how hard we work at humbling ourselves in order to get along with them.  Someone wisely said, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship?”  There are times in life when both are not an option.  Walk humbly before your God and one another.  Show lots of grace, because it’s grace you’ll need for yourself one day.  Meditate on the above noted scripture, stop blaming others, look in the mirror and resolve to take the necessary steps of change toward humility.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #15

This is the fifteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

15. How does this person spend his/her free time?  Does this person understand and demonstrate a healthy balance between work and rest, or is he/she unable to detach from work and enjoy leisure and personal activities?  Does this person spend an excessive amount of time using and interacting with technology and social media (e.g., cell phone, internet, television, video games, Facebook)?  Is this person pursuing healthy and productive hobbies, activities and interests?  How do you spend your free time together?  (Matthew 13:1)

One of my favorite New Testament verses states, “That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake.”  I simply love this verse because I crave what it says.  Our Lord, on earth with a three and one half-year window, took the necessary time to sit by the lake.  What was He doing?  That’s just it, He wasn’t “doing” He was being.  He took time out to rest, to reflect, to breath in the fresh air that surrounds the tranquil presence of water.  We live in a culture that is noisy and full of time-stealing stuff.  Can you, can this person you are interested in take the time to “sit by the lake” and enjoy each other along with His presence?  Work is a gift from God and so is rest.  How do you like to rest?  Does this special person allow you to just take a break, leave you alone and stop constantly calling or texting?  Can you honor them and do the same?  We are, at times, too accessible to one another.  Life is a balancing act in order to maintain our spiritual, physical and emotional health.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #14

This is the fourteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

14. Is this person serving others?  Is there a personal or developing compassion for others, or is there too much attention devoted to self?  What do you observe to be his/her life balance of caring for others in contrast to personal priorities such as: work, rest, play, television, family, friends, your dating relationship, etc? (Romans 15:1-3; Philippians 2:3-8)

Jesus made it very clear that the greatest in His kingdom was also the most humble.  It takes a humble spirit to be willing to serve others.  It means denying yourself and that does not come naturally.  I have watched my wife serve others, my children and me for over 36 years.  If you look back over your life and think about those who served you, you’ll come to the realization of how they have literally impacted you for a life time.  To “see” the needs of others above our own needs requires a developing sense of compassion.  And that developing sense of compassion is provoked by a true, albeit rare, heart of selfless love.

As a leader, I watch others.  I take notice of those who run to get into line first vs. those who will insist that you go before them.  I look and listen for life balance in what they share with me.  If you’ll listen long enough, you will pick up patterns of speech and what they like to talk about the most.  If it centers around themselves, be forewarned, “selfish ambition” may still be their goal and that goal is insatiable.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #13

This is the thirteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

13. Can you identify the use of this person’s spiritual and natural gifts?  What gifts does this person have and is he/she faithfully using and sharing these gifts in service to God and others?  Is this person training others in these gifts and multiplying what God has given to him/her?  Does he/she recognize that these are God’s gifts not for one’s own profit, esteem or personal gain?  (Romans 11:29, 12:6; I Corinthians 12:4)

The scripture reveals that God gives gifts to everyone.   Believers and non-believers alike have been given gifts.  Have you ever had a gifted teacher in your life?  Have you ever heard a gifted musician?  As you consider this relationship, how do you see your gifts complimenting one another?  How have you already operated within your “gift mix?”  Mary and I are different in our gift mix and, while it has taken some time to discover, we now know our differing gifts actually are complimentary to one another.

Mary has a gift of giving and I have the gift of saving.  Before we saw how these two gifts actually help us as a couple, Mary thought I was too “tight” and I thought she was too much of a “spender.”  Discovering the balancing act, we now have a complimentary dance with our finances and God has blessed our unity and agreement.

Discover the gifts God has given you and how He has asked you to use them.  He desires to bring someone to you who will also embrace those gifts and offer a unified gift mix within your relationship.  Initially it may feel like an uncomplimentary difference, but remember, opposites attract for a reason.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #12

This is the twelfth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

12. Is this person walking in high moral character, purity and integrity (continued)?  Does this person exhibit any questionable behavior or tendencies toward lying, exaggerating or story telling?  Are there any unexplained or irrational behaviors that he/she or you excuse?  Is his/her character ever called into question?  Is this person forthright, open and honest with you even if it makes him/her look bad?  What does integrity mean to this person?  Does it mean more than looking good in the sight of others?  Does he/she hold a biblical view of purity and holiness and is their definition of purity holiness the same as yours?   (Galatians 1:10; Proverbs 10:9, 11:3, 12:22)

Integrity means telling the truth 100% of the time.  Jesus never lied and He desires us to follow His example of integrity.  I have a friend who at one time worked at a department store customer service counter and he said he caught people in lies all the time.  Every day our courts have persons take an oath to tell the truth and then speak falsely on the witness stand.  Truth telling is a value that will stand the test of time in a relationship.  When we do lie, we will soon discover that another lie will be needed to cover the first one.  The Lord detests lying lips, but delights in the truth.  (Proverbs 12:22)  Are you speaking the truth in your relationship and are you hearing the truth?

Money has a way of showing the depth of our character.  Treasures expose the heart of a man or woman.  Financial values are exposed in our giving, our sowing, in paying our bills, in our business affairs and transactions.  The scriptures are clear when it says that we will never be able to handle spiritual wealth if we cannot be faithful with a little worldly wealth.  Is this person honest in all of their financial dealings?  If they are bragging about getting away with something now, it will continue with increase.  Integrity must be deeper than simply gaining riches.  A stingy man is eager to get rich and is unaware that poverty awaits him.  (Proverbs 28:22)

 

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Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #11

This is the eleventh in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

11. Is this person walking in high moral character, purity and integrity?  Does this person exhibit any questionable behavior or tendencies toward lying, exaggerating or story telling?  Are there any unexplained or irrational behaviors that he/she or you excuse?  Is his/her character ever called into question?  Is this person forthright, open and honest with you even if it makes him/her look bad?  What does integrity mean to this person?  Does it mean more than looking good in the sight of others?  Does he/she hold a biblical view of purity and holiness and is their definition of purity holiness the same as yours?   (Galatians 1:10; Proverbs 10:9, 11:3) 

Job had multiple problems in life, but perhaps none worse than his wife confronting him after severe loss with the question, “Are you still holding on to your integrity?”  Then, she gave him some awful advice, “Curse God and die!”  (Job 3: 9)  Nothing like support from the most important person on earth.  Character precedes anointing.  Integrity starts on the inside and works its way from the spirit of a man to the soul and then to the flesh.  Someone said that integrity is who you are when no one is looking.  If you know this person has issues with integrity and holiness now, marriage will not solve the problem, however; I do guarantee that it will increase the intensity of the problem.  You see, marriage has this strange ability to bring either the best or the worst out in us as the relationship matures to “iron sharpening iron.”  Immorality does not happen overnight, it happens with small compromises followed by small compromises.  We cannot afford thinking thoughts that are not God honoring thoughts because those thoughts are seeds to dishonoring actions.  High moral character, purity, holiness and integrity are attributes of our Lord and we must be in the process of becoming like Jesus, by the power of His Spirit living in us.  To be continued…

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Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #10

This is the tenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

10. From whom does this person seek wisdom and wise counsel?  The last two posts were about accountability.  This post is about the practice of that accountability through seeking wise counsel.  Is he/she willing to admit to not knowing all the answers and to seek others who may have wise counsel?  Before making important decision, does this person seek input from trusted mentors?  (James 1:5; Proverbs 12:15)  Proverbs 12:15 says that our “way” seems right to us, …”but a wise man listens to advice.”  According to this Proverb, one would first need to humble themselves and seek advice and then be a ready listener.

It is not politically correct today to give or to seek godly advice.  One is to discover “truth” on their own for themselves.  To me, this really feels like one of the highest forms of pride as it is so self-seeking rather than God-seeking.  Have you noticed in this person a willingness to humble themselves and seek advice from the right sources?  It is one thing to ask our friends who will tell us what we desire to hear, but it is another to allow iron to sharpen iron and listen to the wise counsel of an elder, a pastoral counselor or a parent.  Arrogance is not a godly trait.  James tells us to ask God when we lack wisdom and God will provide the answers through His word or His messenger.

I remember as a young man seeking the advice of an elder who gave me input that I did not like or necessarily agree with.  I acted upon his advice in spite of my youthful arrogance only to discover years later it was absolutely correct.  It is humbling at first, but when we discover someone who is not willing to be politically correct and speak the difficult things into our lives, we will discover a world of wisdom that opens new doors for us.  And, if we remain teachable throughout our life, we will be a far better and wiser spouse, parent, friend, employee…

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Premarital, Singles, Training

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #9

This is the ninth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

9.  Does this person walk in accountability (continued)?  Does this person have a mentoring relationship with a pastor or other spiritual leader, someone they have given authority to speak into his/her life, to provide challenge and correction?  Is he/she mentoring others?  Is he/she committed to a local church fellowship?  Can you speak into his/her life freely and can this person receive your input?  Is this person accountable with personal possessions, finances and their spiritual disciplines?  Do you feel any ongoing resistance when it comes to the discipline of accountability or submission to spiritual authority? (Hebrews 4:13)

Humility is a sign of maturity and it takes humility to realize ones need of personal accountability and mentoring.  None of us know it all.  At this stage of life, spiritual mentoring through spiritual parents is invaluable.   Many years ago I had a spiritual father who met with me monthly, read what I was writing, asked me targeted questions and held my feet to the fire in loving God, God’s family and the family God gave me.  I knew the value of this relationship from my days of living single and needing mentors in my life.  To date, this life coaching has never stopped and I refuse to live without accountability in all I do.  There is tremendous safety in it.  It is partly why Mary and I celebrate 36 years of marriage tomorrow!  Commitment to a local church, an overseer/spiritual parent and personal accountability (through someone who is willing to ask us the hard questions), as we walk through life, keeps a spirit of resistance (to challenge and change) at bay and reinforces our walk with humility.

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