Category Archives: Premarital

Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Saying,“I do,” What Happens at a Wedding

The mystery of two becoming one begins with a confession of two simple words, “I do.”  After almost 38 years of marriage, Mary and I “still do.”  This past Easter Sunday I watched as my mother and father-in-law held hands to pray over their meal together.  After 71 years of marriage, they “still do.”  Little did we understand those two, almost insignificant, words at our marriage ceremony, but here’s a bit of insight into what they actually mean or will mean when you speak them.

Prior to the wedding ceremony, both the man and the woman are under the authority of another(s) – their parents.  When saying, “I do,” there is an exchange of authority in order to leave and cleave.  The father and mother give their daughter away and there is a name change.  There is an exchange of possessions.  What is his is now also hers and what is hers becomes his.  There is a releasing of singleness so that in mind, body, soul and spirit two become one.  All past dating relationships are left in order to cling to this one and only this one.  There is a new sense of responsibility for another.  There is a new sense of submission and giving of oneself for another.  Two now embrace all expenses and debt brought into the marriage. There are many additional family and friend relationships taken on.  Finally, while perhaps not realized at the time, two very different people will grow and change over the course of time as they live life and walk out those two simple words, “I do.”

Why don’t you send your spouse a card today and let them know you “still do.”

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Vows: In Sickness and In Health

Do you remember your vows spoken to your spouse, before the minister, the attendees and your Lord?  Never did we actually expect to have to endure sickness anytime in the near future, but you vowed to remain faithful to the covenant of marriage during such times.  Of recent I have watched dedicated spouses give themselves to their life mate without complaint through severe sickness.   One couple in particular has found a partner facing a disease that slowly but surely reduces muscle use even though they are on the young side of middle age.  Once vibrant and active, this person is now wheelchair bound and in need of constant care.

We spoke a vow, just words unless truly from the heart, to remain faithful and committed.  Exactly what is a vow?  Webster defines vow as “a solemn promise or pledge that commits one to act or behave in a particular way.”  Numbers 30:2 says, “If a man makes a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.”  Do not take those words you spoke lightly, God doesn’t.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Writing a Mission Statement for your Marriage

When God placed Adam and Even in the garden, He provided a mission for this first marriage.  He said, “Be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it.  Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”  (Genesis 1:28)  In chapter two of Genesis He places Adam in the Garden of Eden to “…work it and take care of it.”  Adam and Eve’s mission statement might go something like this, “We are called to seek God first, to model our marriage after His love, to procreate and fill the earth and to embrace our work in the garden as we care for God’s creation.”

To build a mission statement, take some time to write down all of the things you and your spouse are involved in, e.g., a business, children, jobs, purchasing a house, caring for aging family members, serving a local school board, small group leadership, etc.  Draw from this list those things you are called to serve together in and begin to write out a paragraph that describes your calling.  Now think about your values as a couple and include the most important ones.  Again, for example: loving God and seeking Him together, debt free living and spiritual gifts.  Prayerfully begin creating a statement that includes both doing and values lists.

As this paragraph is refined year-to-year you will discover the unity of co-mission and the beauty of sub-mission, or operating together under the mission.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

You Gotta Love the Word Submission

It is truly unfortunate that the word submission conjures up such strong feelings especially among North American women.  It really should not.  Recently, I was teaching in a room with three different races present and found that the expressions and beliefs about the topic of submission were quite varied and typically non-biblical.  Even mentioning the word seemed to send shudders up the spines of those godly ladies.  Why?  Most women view submission as a subservient existence cowering to a man’s latest whim and wish.  Do you seriously think that was the meaning of submission in Ephesians five?  When Paul asked women to submit to their husbands do you think for a moment he was instructing you to grovel at your husband’s feet and shout “immediately sir” to every request?

The Greek word is Hupo Tasso and it was a military term, which meant to “arrange under.”  It literally has to do with leading the troops toward a mission.  Our English word, submission has a prefix (sub) that means “under.”  So, the word would best be defined as, “under the mission.”  Here’s the biggest question to consider, “Husbands, what’s the mission?”  If you and your spouse have not identified the mission(s) of your marriage, then what may I ask are you submitting to?  If submission literally means under the mission, you must hear from God, define the mission and write it down in the form of a mission statement.  God gave Adam and Eve, the first couple on the earth, a very clear mission.  What mission has He given to you and your spouse?  We’ll work on building that statement in the future.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Silence is Not Always Golden

James tells us that the tongue can be a fire.  He says it can corrupt our whole person.  The tongue can praise or it can curse.   But there is something else it can do – it can be silent.  There are times in marriage when silence is as wrong as speaking curse-filled words.  It is evil when we are avoiding speaking good toward another or we are avoiding communication altogether, causing our spouse to suffer through the awkwardness of silence.   You know in your heart if your silence is meant to be malicious.  It is one thing to retreat and not speak so that healing can take place, but it is another when we selfishly refuse to speak.

I discovered during my pre-engagement years with Mary that she was a communicator; she loved to talk and relate to people.  I, on the other hand, would rather let others do the talking.  After marriage in my immaturity and my selfishness, I discovered that I could use silence to hurt her if I felt wronged.   I knew Mary needed me to talk and if I didn’t respond it would frustrate her.  To grow up and change I had to study her and enter into her world of communication.  I had to discover her frame of reference.  I had to receive the revelation that my silence was selfish manipulation and not godly leadership.  Today we have found that balance of talking and listening and honoring one another in our differences.  And today, at times, I might use as many words as she does.

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak

We are told that we can speak 125 – 150 words a minute, but typically we think around 300 words a minute.  Those numbers themselves provide an inward conflict with the act of listening.  High school and college campus’s run courses on public speaking, but when is the last time you had the opportunity to sign up for a public listening course?  Most of us want to talk and be listened to rather than take the concentration needed to stop and really hear someone.  I heard someone say recently that hearing is a function of the ear, but listening is a function of your will.

When we listen we are exercising an expression of love.  We are saying this person is important enough to me to be listened to.  Proverbs has a way of cutting to the chase when it says, “ He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”  (Proverbs 18:13)  If we are constantly interrupting our spouse in order to interject our “important” thought, we have stopped listening and are thinking about our reply.  Do you realize people pay counselors $150.00 and more for fifty minutes of their time and feel better when leaving their office?  Some even fall in love with their therapist just because they feel validated and cared for.  What was the therapist’s secret?  He/she listened.  James admonished us to be quick to listen and slow to speak…pretty good advice for 2013.  Try it; you’ll be amazed at the results.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

Are We Really That Old?

Last evening we had a wonderful family time celebrating our younger son’s birthday.  He’ll soon be 32 years old and will any day now be a father himself.  I asked my wife, Mary, “Are we really that old?”  Could we be old enough and be married long enough to have a son his age?  She assured me without hesitation that we are, but then quickly added, “…but, how blessed we are as well.”  I couldn’t agree more.  If we get our eyes on our failing bodies, our forgetful minds or our lack of retirement funds, we can quickly become restless, worried or even discontent.

Thirty seven and a half years ago, one man and one woman said, “I do.”  It was a hot, sweaty day with no air conditioning in the church building where we were married.  The service was long and the intense heat made it seem even longer.  One man called to one woman would produce thee amazing children who will produce children through the creative act of God called marriage.  “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him,” was God’s observation.  The Lord anesthetized Adam, took one of his ribs and fashioned a woman called Eve.  When Adam awoke he saw that which was created just for him and he exclaimed, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…”  And God said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Three Reality Questions in Marriage (continued)

Question number two is: Do you realize there is no perfect marriage?  Only one relationship on this earth started out perfectly: Adam and Eve.  Their world was perfect, their jobs were perfect and their walk with God was amazing and daily.  Adam and Eve chose to walk away from perfection and by the second generation one of their children committed murder.  Marriage is not Christian; it’s a creation act of God predating our Christian faith.  Adam recognized his need for a partner after naming the animals just as God recognized Adam’s aloneness.  He put Adam to sleep, anesthetized him and created Eve from his side.  A life mate, a helper, a woman was God’s idea and would form the basis of our society – one man with one woman.  Marriage is not perfect because two individuals with lots of brokenness and needs say “I do” out of attraction, love and “similarity.”  Within 30 days this very commitment begins to be tested and we quickly discover we married someone unlike us!

It is God’s story to begin to hold us together through our differences.  You see, my wife, Mary, is what I am not and I am what Mary is not, but together we make an amazing and whole team.  Ephesians 5: 25-27 says that, as men, we are called to love our wife as Christ lives His church.  We are not Jesus, but we are His representative.  Men, we are our wives healer; we are to reflect Christ to her.  Your wife is worth Christ’s death on the cross for her.  Your husband is worth the beating and bruising your Lord took for him.  Behind discord, wrong motives, insecurity and marriage failure is unrepentant sin.  To love your spouse is to give your life and your love to them to the point that you bring healing to insecurity, rejection, low esteem, self-hate, etc.

There is no perfect marriage, because there is no perfect spouse.  However, the longer we are married, the more settled we become, the more healed we become as an individual and the more healing we bring to one another.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Three Reality Questions in Marriage

Last week, we ended this blog by saying, “There is no greater mirror of who you are than your spouse.”  I am not sure how many of you thought about that imagery, but after making such a statement I am hoping that you, in turn, received the following question, “How do I need to change so that I see an improving reflection of myself in my life mate?”  In order to move in that direction, here are three reality questions for you: 1. Do you realize that when you married, you were broken and you married into brokenness?  2. Do you realize there is no perfect marriage?  3. Do you have the mentality of an owner or a renter in marriage?

Question number one is, “Do we realize that we are all born into brokenness?  We all have imperfect families, wounded backgrounds and personality difficulties.  When we found the “perfect” person, we found someone like ourselves – in need of healing.  While weddings reflect perfection, i.e., perfect clothes, flowers, beauty and pageantry, they are actually filled with imperfect people and reality will set in eventually.  We take pictures at weddings in order to somehow attempt to remember how perfect things can or did look at one time.  In actuality, a reality wedding ought to look somewhat different.  Both the bride and groom should be wearing their oldest, tore up attire with bleeding wounds exposed and gauze wrapped around them like lace.  They should be pushing along their IV’s while trying to walk with crutches – not a pretty sight, but a sight of reality.  Psalm 51:5 says, “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.”

Marriage has a way of drawing the worst or the best out of us.  We’ll look at question number two next week and in the future some God steps of healing.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Marriage is a Mirror into Our Lives

In the book, Sacred Marriage, author Gary Thomas says that God did not give us marriage to make us happy, but to make us more like Him.  God’s idea for marriage predates Christianity and goes back to the Garden of Eden.  Marriage was an act of creation by God.  Adam recognized a need in his life and so did his Creator.  God’s solution?  The gift of Eve.  God created a mate, once again in His image and likeness to be a life partner.  It was and is God’s idea for the basis of our society.

Initially, we are attracted to one another by our similarities, but that’s before we say “I do.”  Ninety days into the marriage we realize we married someone who is not like us and that’s God’s story.  It is God’s story to begin to hold us together through our differences.  You see, Mary is what I am not and I am what Mary is not.  But, together, we make an amazing team.  Under the New Covenant, as men, we are called to reflect Christ to our wives.  Is there a resemblance men?  As women, you are to reflect the Christ found within your husband.  If we are not working toward becoming more like Christ, then whose image will we reflect?  There is no greater mirror of who you are than your spouse.

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