Encouragement, Marriage

How to Change Your Husband

images-3 Wives, did you know that you could change your husband without even opening your mouth? Impossible you say? Let me share my reference. In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior. (I Peter 3: 1, 2) Peter, by inspiration wrote “behavior,” not your strong rebukes, your forceful messages, your threats or your ultimatums. It is your behavior the scriptures state your spouse will observe and then consider change. This Bible verse requires an attitude check for every woman who thinks her Christianity is to be worn on her sleeve rather than in her heart.IMG_0605

Peter continues,” You should be known for the beauty that comes from within…a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” I know a woman like this. She found new levels in her spirituality through the Holy Spirit, but never competed with her husband who did not claim the same experience. She prayed at new levels of depth and saw miracles, but never threw those signs and wonders up for comparison with his faith. I watched her go through the loss of a teen child, grieve and then keep serving her many other children and grandchildren. And, I have watched her quickly fading and now heading toward her heavenly home still holding hands with her one and only man of 75 years. She has fought the fight and held onto her life-changing godliness. Her husband has watched, observed, changed and loved the…”beauty that comes from within…”

(I know a woman like that, my mother-in-law, age 93…who early one morning this past week did leave this earth for her heavenly home still loving her husband through a gentle and quiet spirit.  We’ll miss you, mom.)

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Marriage, Mission Report

A Marriage Seminar in Western Kenya

IMG_1301Sitting at a coffee shop three hours west of Nairobi, Kenya would have been unheard of a few years ago. Yes, the coffee café craze has even reached western Kenya. I am in the city of Kisumu, teaching at amazing and growing DOVE International church’s found in Kadawa village and in the village of Musima on the topic of marriage. Our pastoral hosts have with keen foresight arranged the meetings and the couples have responded. It’s hot, it’s humid, but they take in new thoughts like a dry sponge absorbs water. They look at their spouse in amazement, eyes wide open and hearts challenged by God’s word. I ask them to interact together doing some couple exercises and at first it is very difficult, even a tinge of embarrassment comes over them. I keep pushing, asking for responses given out loud, and trying to discover if they are connecting with their speaker, his North American style English words coming through a translator.

IMG_1257Wherever I speak here, part of my introduction is the same, …”the husband of one wife.” There are multiple spouse families here and I ask my host to be the one to address those issues. It’s the third session in the first day and I see some tears and husbands who are noticeably uncomfortable with knowing how to help their wife. On the second day, I ask them the purpose of marriage and to follow that up with writing a marriage mission statement for the two of them. Later, I would ask them to share their statement. They become more comfortable; laughter is more at ease as they talk among themselves and respond much more freely to my many incessant questions. By the end of the two days they are easily encouraged to discuss, open up with each other and attempt to accomplish what this strange mzungu (white man) is requiring of them. And then, my ultimate reward at the close, watching them pray for one another and embracing in a very warm hug. It makes me smile.IMG_1256

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Issues of the Day, Marriage

Liberation: The Toilet Seat is Up

imagesYou know your wife is away for an extended period of time if the toilet seat is left in the “up” position. As husband’s, we have been properly trained and groomed in toilet seat etiquette and flushing. But when our wives are away, all toilet seat bets are off and flushing is optional. What a pleasure it is to go into the bathroom, take care of business without having to first bend over and place our clean fingers on the germ-filled underside of a toilet seat. Then, having to go through a lifting up motion just to repeat the whole ordeal all over again placing the seat back down. They say it is the small things that bring pleasure to a man in everyday life and I am here to tell you this is one of those “small thing pleasures.”

Don’t get me wrong; it is not out of rebellion or a silent protest against my dear wife. (I actually caught myself once and almost put the seat down by automatic response.) It is a simple pleasure like relieving oneself in the woods where no extra bending over or lifting effort is ever needed. Yes, my wife has left for the day and she has placed her full trust in me to care for her well-kept and clean home. Heck, I even put the toilet seat up in our extra bathroom and I don’t plan on using that one all day…soooo liberating. This is to all those men who feel any sense of toilet seat control, here’s your chance to be liberated for a day and catch a smile forming on your face as you walk into the bathroom.   And may I challenge you one step further?  Maybe, just maybe dare to go without having to put forth the effort of reaching up and flipping the light switch on.  Now we’re talkin’.

I just heard the garage door go up, I gotta run and take care of a few things.

PS  Secret: You do not want to get caught with your toilet seat in the ‘up’ position so please for the sake of marriage harmony, plan your toilet seat strategy very carefully!

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Marriage, Singles

Marrying the Most Imperfect Person

images-10Did you know the marriage rate in the USA was 83% in the 1930’s and by the year 2012 was 49.7%? What’s going on? Singles are waiting longer to be married and others are trying it out by living together to see if they like it. There is a genuine fear of failure with the number of divorces families are experiencing today. We are told that the latest divorce statistic is one in four marriages. To put that into perspective, what if one in four planes taking off from every airport today also crashed? How many plane tickets would you be purchasing?

But, hey, you’ve got to realize there is no perfect marriage union, right? I hate to break it to you; not even mine. Marriage is imperfect because two imperfect persons entered into a marriage relationship. When two imperfect persons marry, lots of life struggles will need to be worked out. It is true of every couple that says, “I do.” If you are looking for the “perfect” person you, my friend, will never marry. Did you know that everyone wakes up in the morning with awful breath, their hair totally out-of-place, make-up missing or smeared, dry mouth and other things not to mention here? In time, you add weight, develop extra skin under your arms, gain a “turkey neck,” your hair turns gray or (imagine this) it falls completely off your head.

images-2Marry the most godly person you can find. Marry the one you are madly in love with, but realize just as you are imperfect, so are they. And then love them the rest of your life anyway.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Got Sex? Does Our Marriage Have a Sex Problem?

images-18Every marriage either promotes security or insecurity; as marriage partners we long for security from one another. Security is a primary human need, and for the most part, a need we are attempting to have met in differing ways. When security is felt, normally honor, trust and respect are also present. When there is insecurity, most likely these ingredients are missing or at the very least, threatened. Further, where there is security, there is intimacy. Intimacy can lead to sex, but is not just sex. In reality, most couples do not have a sex problem, they have an intimacy problem, and that intimacy problem exists because they have security issues.

When we honor, love and respect one another security grows and leads to intimacy. To honor means to serve without expectation, all the while seeing the other as better than yourself. It certainly takes a high degree of maturity to arrive at this place. Immaturity expects an immediate return. In other words, “I do this; you do that.” Is it wrong to expect sex in our marriage? Of course not, but it does depend upon the condition one spouse can place upon the other. As security grows through love, honor and respect, it will have a side effect of growing intimacy. And as intimacy grows, your sex lives will also grow. images-6

Does our marriage have an intimacy problem or a security problem?

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Marriage, Postmarital, Singles

5 Words for Singles and 5 Words for Marrieds

images-6“We just don’t have anything in common anymore.” Over the course of 15 years, serving as a marriage and family counselor, I heard that phrase a few times. Normally, at the same time, these persons could think of another with whom they felt many forms of commonality. Weird how that works isn’t it? You are sharing a marriage, most likely children, a bed, income and bills, household responsibilities, jobs and a local church. How could one possibly say those self-centered words unless they were attempting to ease their own pain, drifting thoughts or sin?

Most singles fantasize about married life, knowing (they tell themselves) it will be better in all aspects of life. All the while, some married individuals fantasize about singleness. Are we ever completely happy or satisfied with our status? Here are five things to coiStock_000017052875Small3-e1332976213633nsider if you are single:

1. Don’t live your life in waiting; be fulfilled in what God has for you today.

2. Know that to rush or blindly marry the wrong person is far worse than not being married.

3. Pursue maturity, personal growth and security.

4. Make a list of what you desire in a life mate and then commit that list to prayer. Hold yourself accountable to not engage with someone who compromises your list.

5. Stop the self-pity game even if all of your friends are married. It will not help you or your attitude.

Here are five things to consider if you are married:images-6

1. Take a look at your wedding ring. You are off the market; taken, committed to the one you spoke your vows to. You are unavailable to everyone else.

2. If you are dissatisfied in marriage, what is it that you need to change in order to stay in the game and remain committed?

3. Remind yourself that two became one and to initiate something hurtful or harmful against your spouse is to also hurt yourself, your future and your family’s future.

4. Ask yourself, “What am I learning about me through this challenging or difficult experience?”

5. Consider this question: “How have I become self-protective and what am I (if anything) hiding?”

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In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage

Has God Changed the Verdict for the Case of Marriage?

images-4Marriage doomsayers have been touting the end of marriage, as we know it, in multiple forms of messages for decades. Shouted from places of academia and even some pulpits is the specious notion that one half of all marriages end in divorce, that marriage is meaningless and old-fashion or the notion of cohabitation – no legal piece of paper is necessary. In spite of this relentless push, the great news is that marriage remains strong as an institution, is not crumbling off the face of the earth and the One who actually created and designed marriage has not redefined marriage or decreased the importance of marriage and the family as the basis of our society.

Believe it or not, the design of marriage did not take place in the halls of congress, a courtroom, a temple or through some enlightened monk centuries past. Here is where it all began: “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone.   I will make a helper suitable for him.’ So the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2: 18, 21, 22, 24)images

Did Jesus affirm this covenant act created by God in His “God became flesh” days on the earth? He did. “‘Haven’t you read,’ he [Jesus] replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?’” I am so grateful for God’s design called marriage and how the Son of God spoke to and affirmed that design long after creation. May we continue to boldly do the same by strengthening our unions and serving those who are struggling in theirs.

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Marriage, Postmarital

10 Words of Wisdom Young Married Couples Desire to Pass on to You

images-17My wife and I enjoy an annual retreat weekend with several young couples. One of the questions we ask is, “What wisdom would you desire to pass on to other young married couples?” Earlier this year, I recorded what they had to say in reply to that question and thought their responses were worth passing on. In their words:

1. Apologize quickly and do not withhold forgiveness.

2. Do not avoid conflict or confrontation, as doing so will develop bad habits.

3. Have less “outside” responsibilities and nights away from one another.

4. Assume the best about your spouse rather than assuming ulterior motives.

5. Involvement in a local church does not necessarily guarantee spiritual closeness. In other words, doing church things does not replace your spiritual lives as individuals and as a couple.

6. You married a human with a fallen sin nature. No one is perfect, especially you.

7. Pray with and for one another more. Praying your heart out to God on the behalf of one another keeps you from being so self-centered.images-22

8. When you are angry, watch your tongue.

9. Establish good relationships with parents on both sides. To make an effort shows respect for your spouse.

10. Sex does not make up for (fill in the blank). The issue will still be there after intimacy. Deal with it.

There you have it, current wisdom from 2015. Take it and pass it on.

 

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Encouragement, Leadership, Mission Report

Leaders Need Encouragement Too

imagesIn a recent conversation, someone reminded me that leaders need a regular dose of encouragement. Leaders tirelessly work toward maturity in the lives of others. Leaders lead in such a way that they continually put themselves out front, knowing they will take some personal “hits”. Leaders naturally think toward growth of their organization, their ministry, their staff and their own personal lives. True God-given leadership never stops desiring to effect change and make a better tomorrow. And, when these natural desires are not met, leaders can become discouraged.

Many years ago my wife and I assembled a youth mission team together. It was our first effort to do such a project and we had 14 very excited and rambunctious volunteers. We spent months preparing for our outreach, speaking into their lives and praying with them. The team did great and completed their mission beyond our expectations. Recently my wife and I were thinking about those 14 names and we asked ourselves, “Where are they today?” Below, see the answers to that question to the best of our present knowledge.images-4

Team member:

#1. Continues with various short-term mission teams; conducted a small engine repair clinic in Uganda; married a nurse with a mission’s heart

#2. Various other mission teams; serves with a human trafficking organization; went to law school

#3. Various other mission teams; serves an orphanage in Mombasa, Kenya now in co-mission with her husband

#4. Completed Bible school, married and became a fulltime missionary to the Middle East

#5. Serving God by serving youth in a mental health facility

#6. Went to Bible school and is now a fulltime missionary to Germany working in human trafficking

#7. A fulltime YWAM missionary for several years and now a DOVE International pastor’s wife

#8. Completed her social work degree and now a missionary in South Africa youth prisons

#9. Leading a church planting effort to Germany

#10. Various mission teams; a medical doctor (surgeon) today working with medical missions

#11. Away from God?

#12. Away from God? Unknown whereabouts.

#13. Went to college; married; a mother of two children

#14. Incarcerated for murder; has returned to God and lives for Him daily in prison soon to be paroled

images-6There you have the outcome of one youth mission team who are now adults. Obviously, a lot more has happened in their lives than just that first team, but when we as leaders do not stop and think about the results of sowing into the lives of others we can become discouraged. Take the time to consider what your heavenly Father has done through you as His obedient leader. You just might encourage yourself.

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Marriage, Postmarital

6 Ways You Might be Intimate with Another’s Spouse

images-11Where does inappropriate intimacy begin with someone who is not your spouse? What are your intentions concerning persons that you may find attractive, inviting or feel an emotional connection with? There are any number of opportunities out there to be unfaithful to your Lord, your spouse and yourself through wrongly intentioned relational connections. Here are six areas to be aware of:

1.Phone calls and text messages. How much time do you spend on the phone with this opposite sex (friend) and how intimate is your conversation? Is your spouse aware of these conversations? Are you open with your spouse about these calls/texts and the content of them if they are necessary? Have you ever crossed a line or desired to cross a line in any of these conversations?

2. One-on-one, private and face-to-face conversations. Do you attempt to manipulate your schedule to connect with someone of the opposite sex that you desire to be around or find yourself attracted to? Do one-on-one conversations excite you, increase your heart rate or increase your thoughts about this person?images-14

3. Spiritually intimate connections. Are you looking for ways in which you can connect spiritually with this person? Do you find yourself desiring to pray with them more  than your spouse? If you have occasion to pray with this person, how intimate are those times of prayer. In other words, are you praying about things that you should not even be discussing with one another?

4. Fantasizing about this person. Are you thinking about this person to the point of fantasizing about time with them or an ongoing relationship with them? Do you have dreams about this person? Are you allowing your mind to take you to inappropriate places with this person?

5. Do you dress in the morning considering the possibility of a connection with this person? If you are dressing with this person in mind, once again, you have crossed a line and your motives are suspect. You are actually fantasizing about how you can be an attractant to wrong desires.images-12

6. Social media “stalking.”  Are you closely following the social media presence of someone, watching for pictures or information that you can use for conversation?  Accessing someone’s social media sites in order to discover more information for your own arsenal of personal details is stalking.

Why do you want to attract this person to yourself? What is the need in your life that is crying out for help through broken and inappropriate connections? What is missing in your relationship with Jesus that keeps you longing after an inappropriate connection? What is missing in your marriage that pushes you toward openness with someone other than your spouse? Please consider the following Scriptures: Proverbs 4: 20-27; 5: 15 – 23; and 6: 20 – 29.

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