Category Archives: Postmarital

Marriage, Postmarital

How Married Are You?

I would love to create some scientific measurement tool to give to couples so they could discover how married they actually are. You say, “How married they are; whatever does that mean?” It means how connected, unified, truthful, in agreement and simply stated: how one they are. Here’s how I see this marriage measurement tool working…

There would be a series of questions where the couple would either gain percentage points or they would lose percentage points depending upon their responses. At the end, the percentage that remains would be how married they are. So, for example:

Do you have separate bank accounts? Yes -3% No +3%

Are you free to look through one another’s mail/email? Yes +4% No -4%

Do you pray together? Yes +9% No -9%

Do you share PIN numbers? Yes +5% No -5%

Do you regularly keep secrets from your spouse? Yes -7% No +7%

Do you always tell your spouse the truth? Yes +8% No -8%

You get the idea. In the end, we would discover just how married we desire to be. Author Gary Thomas asks, “Are we going be 60 percent married or 90 percent…or, are we committed to…100 percent?”

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Just for fun, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Fifteen Really Cheap or Free Dates

images-6Running out of ideas for inexpensive, but fun date nights? It’s time to celebrate your Valentine, so here are a few ideas, many that my wife and I have enjoyed over the years:

1. Visit an open house or a new model home for creative decorating and renovating ideas.

2. Try a new hiking or biking trail in your area.

3. Rent a Red Box movie or download a free movie.

4. Visit several local thrift stores or a flea market and enjoy some bargain hunting.

5. Go on a coffee, tea or ice-cream date.

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6. Is there indoor ice-skating in your area? If not, try bowling.

7. Take some back country roads you’ve never driven on and see where you end up.  Keep the conversation going while you enjoy the drive.

8. Try a new museum or art gallery. Look for tours you haven’t been on in your locale.

9. Visit your favorite wing night restaurant.

10. Take advantage of free music concerts at local parks.

11. Cook together or create a new dessert.images-7

12. Go on a scenic photo shoot and take some selfies. Then, post them on-line or on Facebook and ask your friends to guess where the pictures were taken.

13. If you’re near your home area, take your spouse to a favorite childhood spot.

14. Watch a really old movie you love or never viewed before.images-4

15. Take a night walk. Be sure to use a reflective vest and carry a flashlight.

Bonus date: Dig out your old photo albums, sit on the couch and laugh!  Send us your ideas.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you!

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Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Love Locks

imagesYou most likely know about the railings of the Pont des Arts pedestrian bridge in Paris, France. For years couples have been placing pad locks on this railing and then throwing the key into the River Seine as a romantic ritual of their love. Eventually the city had to intervene. It seems that according to those who know such things that the added weight of thousands of locks affected the integrity of the bridge and needed to be removed.

In June of 2015 forty-five tons of symbols of love were removed from the bridge railings. When I read about this it made me wonder how many of those couples were still enduring, committed, making sacrifices for images-2one another and “locked” together in love. In 1975 I said “I do” to my bride, Mary, while at the same time saying “I don’t” to every other woman. We never put a padlock on the bridge in Paris, but we have remained committed in our love to God and then to each other. I guess when God’s word says that His love endures forever (Ps 106:1), He provided a picture to us that love can, at the least, endure a life-time.

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In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Divorce Rate IS Declining

imagesWe started writing about, training counselors and actually mentoring couples in pre- and postmarital counseling in 1989. Our primary goal as stated in our book, Called Together, Asks the Difficult Questions that all Couples Must Answer Before and After They say “I Do,” was to better prepare couples before marriage and follow-up with them after marriage using this book as a resource in the hands of trained counselors. The ultimate goal of accomplishing this was to have an effect upon the divorce rate of our day. We longed for, worked toward and prayed to see it lowered.

Imagine our surprise when reading the following in USA Today dated, November 23, 2016 on a return flight back into the United States, “Divorce rates have dropped three years in a row and are at their lowest level in 35 years. From 23 divorces per 1,000…in 1980…to 17 divorces per 1,000 in 2015, according to the National Center for Family & Marriage Research.” And the article went on to say that the rate of marriage is increasing slowly. Hopefully, that statistic speaks to fewer couples electing to live together unmarried.images

Perhaps these stats do not excite you, but for Mary and me it means so much. It means more intact families with fewer children living through the divorce of their parents. It means more stable households contributing to their communities, schools and local churches. It’s positive news for the economy with combined incomes purchasing homes, going on vacations together and providing for their children. But most of all, it means honoring the One who created this thing we call marriage, our heavenly Father.

To view our website or to order our book please visit: www.calledtogether.org

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Marriage, Postmarital

Does Security in a Marriage Lead to Sexuality?

imagesOur marriage either promotes security or insecurity. Most marriage partners are looking for security from their spouse because it’s a need we all pursue.   When security is present in a marriage relationship, you will also find honor, trust, love and respect. Where there is insecurity, most likely honor and trust are missing or at the least, threatened.

Security in our marriages gives birth to intimacy. And, true marital intimacy can lead to sexuality. Most marriages do not have a “sex problem,” they have an intimacy problem and that intimacy problem just might be a result of the lack of security (an absence of honor, love, trust and respect).

images-25When we honor and respect someone we view him or her as better than ourselves in order to serve them without expectation. Immaturity expects a return, i.e., “I do this; therefore, you do that.”   But when we choose to honor and respect someone because we are married to him or her and we love him or her, security will grow within our relationship. As security grows, intimacy grows and as intimacy grows so will a healthy sex life.

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Children, Marriage, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Men, Women and Connecting Deeply

images-2I’ve noticed some things about women and men and their wonderful differences. The women in our lives need to hear from us as men. They need to hear about our lives, our ambitions, our emotions, our issues and they really long to hear our thoughts about them. There is something internal in most women that connects with their spouse’s words, expressions, eye contact, touch and truthfulness about themselves. Women want to hear from their men in order to connect with them. It’s an internal connection and it can be difficult for men who would, more or less, rather have external connections.

Externally we as men connect with jabs, jokes, and manly conversations about work, sports and our hobbies. But women connect internally because they tend to feel more deeply. They long for that inner connection that tells them they are worth opening up to, worth trusting and worth honest, gut level communication. One is not better than the other, but both are necessary. It’s not just that women are more emotional and men are more factual; it’s greater than that. It’s about divine design as both men and women honor the way they are constructed, we actually touch each other in a holy capacity.

When I use the term external, I am not just referring to surface and when I use the term internal, I am not just making reference to emotions. I believe both men and women have the capacity to connect both externally and internally, but it takes time and a patient teacher to connect in a way that we have not naturally gravitated toward. Sometimes our parents miss this and sometimes our culture misrepresents this.

images-4In Genesis chapter one we are told that God created both male and female and it is recorded that we, as men and women, are made in His image, in God’s likeness. Our Creator represents both male and female. He certainly knew what He was doing when He created us as image bearers. He did not miss a thing or forget to add something in order for us to connect. Genesis two records that we are bone of bone and flesh of flesh. We are connected and that connection is God-created. We were meant to work together and we were meant to become a single flesh.

My brain as a man tells me to treat my wife as I would another buddy. But my spirit and my heart tell me that this type of thinking will not actually connect with my life partner. While she is interested in my hobbies and my work, she feels far more connected to me when I open up and talk about the people stories from my workplace. She more intently listens when I reveal that the person I was fishing with told me about his daughter’s eating disorder or life-controlling issue.

I can’t help but realize that our Creator knew this. Our Father in heaven who represents both male and female, as well, knows how these two completely different sexes are attracted to what they need in each other, what they can find in one another. A daughter needs her father’s internal connection with her. She needs a dad to hear her heart, to be willing to wait through the expression of details of conversation and to speak words of honor to her in how she is uniquely created and designed. Yes, she can play ball and connect with those outward, “male” expressions, as long as she is also connecting internally.images-1

A son needs his mom to connect with his abilities in skate boarding, in making his first goal and in writing his first computer code. He feels good about accomplishing something and he longs for the female in his life, his mother, to pat him on the back and give him a “Way to go, son.” Yes, women long to connect internally, but don’t misread these male accomplishments as external only. For these accomplishments are us. Perhaps in our way of connecting, we are making ourselves available for the deeper conversations through our external accomplishments. It has to start somewhere.

Men, the women (spouse and daughters) in your life need you to listen, give input only when requested and be given the opportunity to connect in a deeper sense. They need you to tell them they are beautiful, smart and worth loving. When you give them time, you are saying that you value them for who they are and how they are created. And when you are able to actually open up and connect internally, you will have a woman who feels far more complete and honored.

Women, the men (spouse and sons) in your life need you to recognize their accomplishments, joke with them and bless their outward, external achievements. They need to hear you affirm them and how they do what they do better than anyone you know. As you become their personal cheerleader, you will grab their attention and they will feel respected. And if your man feels your respect, you will experience that inner connection you long for.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Eight Pieces of Advice From a Long-term Marriage

images-4A number of years ago I regularly met with a spiritual father, who graciously volunteered to counsel me, read what I was writing and hold me accountable in my walk with Jesus. I loved those sessions from this seasoned man of God who was – over a long and amazing life – a farmer, then a missionary, then a pastor and then a college professor. In one of our meetings he gave me a copy of his musings about how his marriage lasted over six decades. I have listed his eight pieces of advice for you below.

1. We kept on, and on, leaving father and mother, cleaving to one another forming an ever-growing and changing union.

2. We worked hard at thinking about the positives of each other.

3. We sought absolute honesty before God and one another.

4. We embraced and enjoyed God together: serving, being pastors, parenting and worshipping.

5. We sought total spiritual oneness, far more than sexual oneness.

6. We laughed together about our failures and our life. We sought something fun for our relationship on a weekly basis.

7. We held one another accountable concerning risky tendencies.

8. Lastly, we admitted the possibility of “growing apart” in our marriage and committed ourselves to keep working at our abilities to seek periodic renewals, counseling, marriage enrichment, reading books, deepening of empathy and overcoming angers.

There you have it…profound wisdom from a matured marriage in which both partners now live with their Savior.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

15 ways to Make My Husband Feel Secure

images-3Last week we considered 13 ways a wife felt secure within her marriage and I thought it best to not leave the men out of this one. So, here are 15 ways a man can feel secure within his marriage as shared by a husband.

  1. She puts her relationship with God first in her life.
  2. She has a daily devotional time in order to listen to her heavenly Father.
  3. She cares about herself physically and emotionally and the image she reflects.
  4. She loves, cares for and sacrifices for her children unselfishly.
  5. She prioritizes caring for her husband in big and small ways.
  6. She cares for her home, keeping it neat and in order. There is no confusion around her.
  7. She holds her husband’s hand and is affectionate even in a long-term marriage relationship.
  8. She is not trying to change her husband, but accepts him as he is.
  9. She brings a cold drink to her husband when he is working outside in the heat.images-10
  10. She pray’s with and for her husband daily.
  11. She blesses and encourages her husband’s hobbies.
  12. She is her husband’s best friend.
  13. She quickly forgives.
  14. She has eyes and emotions for her husband only and enjoys a healthy sex life with him.
  15. She loves her husband unconditionally and tells him daily.

Go on a date and ask your husband what helps him to feel secure in your marriage relationship. You may be surprised by what you hear.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Making Her Feel Secure 13 Different Ways

I recently asked a very godly woman what makes her feel secure in her marriage.  She shared these thirteen things about her husband:images-5

 

  1. My husband loves and prioritizes God as #1 in his life.
  2. My husband spends time daily with his Savior in the Bible and in prayer.
  3. My husband is committed to me, to our marriage; he speaks this regularly and often tells me that he loves me.
  4. I have a home that is safe for my children, others and me. My husband built this home with his own hands and labor of love and there is a spirit of peace that resides in our home.
  5. My husband has lived by Biblical financial values and made sure that we are not in debt; all the while, investing into our future. Our bills are paid and we have a savings account.
  6. My husband affirms me – my gifts, my passions and my contributions. He affirms my work, my person and my beauty.
  7. My husband has always believed in me, encouraged me and encouraged the gifts that God has placed in my life.
  8. I can truly trust my husband because he incorporates strict codes of behavior and boundimages-19aries concerning relationship with the opposite sex.
  9. My husband is faithful with his eyes – he does not view pornography, but uses self-control and is honorable.
  10. He is really good with people and I trust him to speak life, wisdom and grace-filled counsel.
  11. He prays with me and for me.
  12. He encourages me to hear God for myself.
  13. He encourages me to express my gift of giving.

What would your wife share if you asked her what helps her feel secure within your marriage? Better yet, go out on a date and ask that very question.

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Marriage, Postmarital

In Sickness and In Health…

“In sicimages-2knees and in health…” Remember that statement? Does anyone foresee sickness? They’re just words of tradition, right? Actually they are words spoken as a promise, a vow. But quite honestly, we were young and the young do not get sick or have a frame of reference for a long-term illness. Some of those spoken vows said in our 20’s or 30’s are not tested for another thirty or forty years. When sickness comes, the depth of our love and commitment will be examined.

I have watched many couples struggle through these seasons, some successfully and some unsuccessfully. But the reality of this time depends mostly upon what your reality of marriage is today. Are you building faith, trust, commitment, openness, honesty and love now? Are you prepimages-16aring for the future by growing your marital oneness today, this month, this year?

images-3Determine today to grow old together, because there is only one thing that is greater than young love in a marital relationship and that’s old love.

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