Category Archives: Postmarital

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Loving Women/Respecting Men

Why do you think the scripture tells men to love their wife and women to respect their husband?  (See Ephesians 5:33)  Something that seems to come natural to women is love; they know how to love deeply.  Wives thrive on loving words and actions.  Men need women because women teach men how to love.  Mothers are so amazing when it comes to loving unconditionally.  Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s a face only a mother could love?”  Love is natural for a woman; therefore, she naturally desires love from her husband.  A woman can love to her own detriment.  I have known women who love men who abuse them.

On the other hand, the scriptures indicate that men are to be respected.  Do men not need love?  No, but ask a man would he rather feel (un)love from his mate or disrespect?  Respect literally means to give honor.  A woman says, “How can I show respect if I am not loved?”   A man expresses, “How do I love if I am not feeling respected?”  Where did this begin?  Listen to this paraphrase of Genesis 3:15 written by Hebrew scholar, Ronald Allen, “God then spoke to the woman as a consequence of her rebellion…I will magnify your pain in giving birth.  I will also allow pain to come into your marriage relationship…you will tend to desire to usurp the role I have given to him (your husband) as the compassionate leader in your home, rejecting his role and belittling his manhood.  And the man on his part will tend to relate to you in loveless tyranny, dominating and stifling your integrity as an equal partner to himself.”

To be continued…

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Longevity in Marriage

 

How long do you expect to be married?  Seriously, how many years do you think you’ll be one with your mate?  My parents are married for 62 years and my in-laws are married for 73 years.  Perhaps it’s good, at times, to consider the other end of a marriage relationship rather than just looking at today.  What is it that you want the last years of your relationship to look like because, honestly, you are working toward that moment right now, today. What do you desire your marriage testimony to say, “It was rough and rocky, but we stuck it out?”  Or, how about what my wife recently observed while sitting with her parents at the doctor’s office?

Harold, my father-in-law, pushed his bride, Betty, into the exam room via a wheel chair and then he shuffled slowly to his seat directly across the room from her.  Mary, my wife, was seated between the two of them where she could witness what would happen next.  In the silence of this waiting period, Mary caught her mother and father looking into one another’s eyes  and then her mother began to move her lips in total silence and mouthed these words to her lifelong partner, “I love you.”  Harold, with a twinkle in his eye, immediately mouthed those same words back.  That’s it; that was the total conversation before the doctor arrived on the scene.  A brief moment caught in time reveled two hearts who will finish the journey of marriage and their marriage testimony amazingly well.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number ten: Evaluation

 

Most persons dread evaluation time at their work place.  The whole concept has a negative feel to it.  However, it doesn’t have to be negative when it becomes life-giving.  What do I mean?  Once a year, Mary and I take off for our evaluation weekend.  It is normally at the end of the year or in the very beginning of a new year.   We locate an inexpensive place to stay and we gather together our goals and vision for the present year, our marriage mission statement, our budget, check books, savings account and our schedule books.  Throughout the first afternoon and evening we review our past year, e.g., our jobs, our volunteer organizations, our finances, our mission statement, our goals, our children, our home projects and our schedules.  We simply talk about what was and how we are presently doing.  We review our personal lives and our lives as a couple, i.e., date nights, family gatherings, roles and responsibilities.  We then go out for a nice meal together and continue the discussion as is necessary.  The end the evening with giving thanks to God for all He has done in our lives.

The next day we begin our projections for the year ahead.  We review and re-write if necessary our mission statement.  Over the years our couple mission statement changes as our children are raised or as we reach financial goals.  We re-write our goals for the coming year.  We re-work our family budget.  (One year we had to reduce 7.5% of our income from our budget.  I was dreading this piece of the weekend, but with appropriate evaluation, prayer and communication we did it in one painless effort.)  Prayerfully we consider our schedules for work and ministry together, our trips and weekends away together.  Together we make necessary budgetary changes.  We reflect on questions like, “Do we need to save a bit more or adjust our giving?”  We take the time to pray over every area of our lives and together dream about our future.  When we leave this place, we leave on the same page, hand-in-hand and united for the year ahead.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number nine: Be Thankful

 

Does your spouse care for your wash?  Who maintains your car?  Which one of you mows the lawn?  Who cleans the bathrooms?  And whose job is it to balance the check book and pay the bills?  These are a few of the mundane, everyday, thankless and boring duties of life.  When is the last time you thanked your spouse for doing one of those jobs?  I mean really and truly went to them and said, “You know, I never run out of socks because some how they go from the wash basket back into my drawer clean and smelling fresh.  I do not know how you keep up with it all, but thank you.”  Or, “I am so thankful that you take the time to maintain our vehicle.  Today I saw someone along the road broken down and thought of you.  I need to thank you for that.”

When discontent surfaces in our lives toward our spouse we lose thankfulness.  We begin to focus on the things he or she is not doing and forget to give praise for the things they are doing.  Our expectations are unmet and we let them know it.  Why do we measure personal contentment in our life by what we expect from others?  For example, I have heard couples make statements like, “I’ll be content when he starts listening to me” or “I’ll be content when she begins to appreciate what I do for her.”  I Timothy 6:6 states, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”  We will never be content when _________ happens, but we can choose to be content now even if what we expect is not happening.

If I am thankful for my wife and the many things she does to care for our marriage now, then I will not waste time in discontent and thanklessness, both of which are extremely unproductive.  Thankfulness in our marriage is actually contagious, especially when expressed for the many daily and routine tasks.  By the way, thank you for taking the time to read this.  :)

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Ten Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number eight: Every Marriage Needs a Mission

God gave Adam and Eve a mission, to tend the garden together.  He gave Nehemiah a mission to rebuild destroyed and burnt walls.  He gave Peter and Paul a similar mission to two different people groups.  Jesus had a mission to fulfill from His Father and then He asked us to join Him in the great co-mission.  Wouldn’t it seem reasonable that God has a mission for every married couple?  Unfortunately, many marriages today lack a cooperative mission.  The husband is doing his thing with a teen boys Sunday school class and his wife is meeting with the woman’s missionary support team.  However, if God has called you together, He has purpose and mission in that call.  Even to operate a small business, a couple must be in agreement and flow together in a cooperative mission.

That is where Ephesians 5 comes in when it tells us to submit to one another and then for wives to submit to husbands.  That word submission in the Greek is Hupo Tasso and it means to arrange under toward a mission.  We know the prefix “sub” in the word submission means under, i.e., under the mission.  So, the question one must ask when it comes to wives submitting is: what’s the mission?  What is she submitting to?  It is certainly not every selfish wish and whim of the leader.  Let me paint a picture for you as I see it.

Every train has and is in total need of a track.  Which one is more important, the track or the train?  Neither is more important, the one fails without the other.  The train’s mission is completed by the direction and support of the track.  Mary and I first wrote our own mission statement for our marriage and family more than 15 years ago.  We have seen many areas fulfilled and have rewritten our statement numerous times, but our mission statement for our call together still exists.  We totally and fully believe that every marriage needs a mission.  Do yourselves a favor and write your marriage mission statement together as soon as you can, pray over it and review it at least annually.  When you find this agreement in couple mission, you’ll also realize agreement in many other areas of marriage.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number 7: Playing Together

What is your favorite fun thing to do together as a couple?  When is the last time you participated in that area of fun?  Couples know how to do fun when dating, e.g., laughing together, growing in friendship and relating at that relaxed level of comfort over a milkshake or a latte.  What happens after we say “I do?”  All too often we allow fun to take a back seat to the more “serious” issues in the relationship.  Proverbs tells us that laughter is like a medicine (Proverbs 17:22).  Laughter has within it medicinal purposes and it’s given to us as a gift of God.  If there was an instrument called the “fun-o-meter” and the number 10 was fun at its best, exactly where would your relationship find itself today?

Have you been able to slow down enough to simply take a walk and hold hands, perhaps taking a few moments to pray and converse?  Matthew 13, verse one, states, “That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake.”  When is the last time you left your house (your responsibilities) and sat by the lake with your lover?  Vacations are great moments for fun connections, but vacations come once or twice a year.  Take a moment to think of some of the things you once did and the things that you would like to do that are fun for you as a couple.  Purpose in your heart to schedule times of fun together and you will find a wonderful connection that lacks criticism and promotes healthy, life-building, laughter-filled relationship.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Uncategorized

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

 

Number Six: Praying Together

Sex is not the most intimate act within marriage.  Does that statement surprise you?  Today it seems that it takes very little commitment to another person before experiencing a sexual encounter.  The intimacy of sex in the way God created it for us has been stolen by an enemy who counterfeits everything holy and pure.  After 37 years of marriage and speaking to literally hundreds of couples, we have come to believe that the most intimate act within marriage is for a husband and a wife to come together in united prayer to their heavenly Father.  To bow our heads and hearts in one accord means that we have put our differences behind us; as partners we come united in agreement without fear and without competition and we exercise faith in Someone greater than ourselves and our abilities.

Prayer is intimate and thus many couples have forfeited couple prayer for prayer with a same sex friend or prayer partner.  Disclosing our hearts in prayer, sharing our deepest desires, sorrows and aspirations is an act of revealing spirit to spirit to Spirit.  “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19)  Early on in our relationship we discovered that we could fight and argue or pray and agree – both are very powerful.  We also discovered that prayer brings security to my wife and honor to me as her husband.  Where to begin if you are not praying together:

Take five minutes in the morning or as you close the day and pray.

Do not pray at one another, but for one another.

Start praying by giving thanks for all God has done and is doing.

Do not “out pray” your partner.  Keep it balanced and simple.

Start small and allow it to grow over time until you discover the need to pray.

Hold hands while you are praying.

Disclose your heart to your heavenly Father and find agreement with your earthly life mate.

Watch your prayer lives grow as you ride in the car together, as you turn off the TV, put down the book or turn off the computer, as you sit with one another in the morning or holding one another at night to pray, pray, pray.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

 Number 5: Change vs. Resistance

Resistance just comes naturally.  Often our first response to our child when they make a request is, “No.”  Charles Swindol once said that if he could raise his children over again he would say “yes” more often.  Without thought, have you said “no” to your spouse more often than you have said “yes?”  We resist because some things initially seem out-of-order or different; we resist because it’s new and unfamiliar; we resist because the new way represents change and change is often insecure to us, hard work, uncomfortable and/or outside of our “normal” range.  In our marriage, I love change while Mary finds herself often initially resistant, at least until she can “see” the need for change.  The thought can be, “Why change, things are fine the way they are.”

God, however, specializes in change by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2).  His change is for our individual good, maturity, and healing (to become more like Him).  But here’s the catch: He often uses our spouse to provoke certain change in our life.  Early in our marriage, I thought Mary was a spender and she thought me to be tight with finances.  As God opened our eyes to each other’s gifts, we discovered that Mary was a giver, one who blesses, and I was the one who was saving for future needs and future vision.  Together, as we adapted to change vs. resistance, we became a powerful team of balance.  As we embrace godly change, we may discover a gift in our mate that we have been resisting and it just may lead to a deeper unity.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number Four: The Six Most Difficult Words to Say in Marriage

Why is it so easy to apologize to the person on the street when you bump into him?  How can apologies come flying out of your mouth so fast with a complete stranger?  Why is it so difficult to say that you are sorry to your spouse when you “bump” into their emotions or unknowingly hit a sensitive issue?  To the stranger on the street, we have nothing invested; the relationship is nonexistent and therefore an easy apology surfaces.  To the one you have invested your life into, that’s a different story.  What are the six most difficult words in marriage?  In my opinion they are: “I am sorry, I was wrong.”  To make it nine words add, “…please forgive me.”

There is an amazing question in chapter four verse one of the book of James, “What cause fights and quarrels among you?”  Think back to the last words of disagreement you had with your spouse.  The next verse reveals the desire of that disagreement.  “You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and you covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.”  At the core of conflict is a desire for something and it may actually be a good desire.  But when we do not get the response we’re looking for, James says we then take selfish means to make it happen.  In our human nature, we quarrel and we fight because we are forgetting a very important step – asking God.  The sooner we come together to “ask God” the fewer times we’ll have to say the six, no the nine, most difficult words.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number 3: Honor

Thirty seven years of marriage can teach you lots of things.  When we spoke our vows to one another, to God and to those who witnessed our wedding, we were young, could not see any sickness ahead or any major bumps in the road.  We went as far as to say that we would honor each other.  Honor, what an interesting word?  How does a 21-year-old comprehend honor?  Romans 12 says to honor one another above yourself.  Selfishly, I couldn’t wait to be married for all of the benefits.  In the Greek, the word for honor is, “temay” and it means to give of your time for another to be more important than you are (not quite the definition of selfishness).

In selfishness, we naturally dishonor in word and deed.  We use “put downs,” joke about our mate, neglect their needs, are lacking in affection, and want to talk rather than listen.  Further, homes that do not honor God and give Him first place will as well lack honor within the marriage relationship (see John 5:23 & 12:26).  Children will not honor their parents when honor is missing within the marriage.  Dishonor comes easily while honor comes with sacrifice of one’s self.  To honor is to serve, to speak life and encouragement.  It is to esteem and to respect.  It is to see the queen in every woman and the king in every man.  Honor focuses on the gifts and strengths and acknowledges them out loud.  Honor defends, believes in and stands guard over one’s life mate.  As you choose to give and show honor, it will change your marriage and your life.

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