Category Archives: Postmarital

Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number nine: Be Thankful

 

Does your spouse care for your wash?  Who maintains your car?  Which one of you mows the lawn?  Who cleans the bathrooms?  And whose job is it to balance the check book and pay the bills?  These are a few of the mundane, everyday, thankless and boring duties of life.  When is the last time you thanked your spouse for doing one of those jobs?  I mean really and truly went to them and said, “You know, I never run out of socks because some how they go from the wash basket back into my drawer clean and smelling fresh.  I do not know how you keep up with it all, but thank you.”  Or, “I am so thankful that you take the time to maintain our vehicle.  Today I saw someone along the road broken down and thought of you.  I need to thank you for that.”

When discontent surfaces in our lives toward our spouse we lose thankfulness.  We begin to focus on the things he or she is not doing and forget to give praise for the things they are doing.  Our expectations are unmet and we let them know it.  Why do we measure personal contentment in our life by what we expect from others?  For example, I have heard couples make statements like, “I’ll be content when he starts listening to me” or “I’ll be content when she begins to appreciate what I do for her.”  I Timothy 6:6 states, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”  We will never be content when _________ happens, but we can choose to be content now even if what we expect is not happening.

If I am thankful for my wife and the many things she does to care for our marriage now, then I will not waste time in discontent and thanklessness, both of which are extremely unproductive.  Thankfulness in our marriage is actually contagious, especially when expressed for the many daily and routine tasks.  By the way, thank you for taking the time to read this.  :)

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Ten Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number eight: Every Marriage Needs a Mission

God gave Adam and Eve a mission, to tend the garden together.  He gave Nehemiah a mission to rebuild destroyed and burnt walls.  He gave Peter and Paul a similar mission to two different people groups.  Jesus had a mission to fulfill from His Father and then He asked us to join Him in the great co-mission.  Wouldn’t it seem reasonable that God has a mission for every married couple?  Unfortunately, many marriages today lack a cooperative mission.  The husband is doing his thing with a teen boys Sunday school class and his wife is meeting with the woman’s missionary support team.  However, if God has called you together, He has purpose and mission in that call.  Even to operate a small business, a couple must be in agreement and flow together in a cooperative mission.

That is where Ephesians 5 comes in when it tells us to submit to one another and then for wives to submit to husbands.  That word submission in the Greek is Hupo Tasso and it means to arrange under toward a mission.  We know the prefix “sub” in the word submission means under, i.e., under the mission.  So, the question one must ask when it comes to wives submitting is: what’s the mission?  What is she submitting to?  It is certainly not every selfish wish and whim of the leader.  Let me paint a picture for you as I see it.

Every train has and is in total need of a track.  Which one is more important, the track or the train?  Neither is more important, the one fails without the other.  The train’s mission is completed by the direction and support of the track.  Mary and I first wrote our own mission statement for our marriage and family more than 15 years ago.  We have seen many areas fulfilled and have rewritten our statement numerous times, but our mission statement for our call together still exists.  We totally and fully believe that every marriage needs a mission.  Do yourselves a favor and write your marriage mission statement together as soon as you can, pray over it and review it at least annually.  When you find this agreement in couple mission, you’ll also realize agreement in many other areas of marriage.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number 7: Playing Together

What is your favorite fun thing to do together as a couple?  When is the last time you participated in that area of fun?  Couples know how to do fun when dating, e.g., laughing together, growing in friendship and relating at that relaxed level of comfort over a milkshake or a latte.  What happens after we say “I do?”  All too often we allow fun to take a back seat to the more “serious” issues in the relationship.  Proverbs tells us that laughter is like a medicine (Proverbs 17:22).  Laughter has within it medicinal purposes and it’s given to us as a gift of God.  If there was an instrument called the “fun-o-meter” and the number 10 was fun at its best, exactly where would your relationship find itself today?

Have you been able to slow down enough to simply take a walk and hold hands, perhaps taking a few moments to pray and converse?  Matthew 13, verse one, states, “That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake.”  When is the last time you left your house (your responsibilities) and sat by the lake with your lover?  Vacations are great moments for fun connections, but vacations come once or twice a year.  Take a moment to think of some of the things you once did and the things that you would like to do that are fun for you as a couple.  Purpose in your heart to schedule times of fun together and you will find a wonderful connection that lacks criticism and promotes healthy, life-building, laughter-filled relationship.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Uncategorized

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

 

Number Six: Praying Together

Sex is not the most intimate act within marriage.  Does that statement surprise you?  Today it seems that it takes very little commitment to another person before experiencing a sexual encounter.  The intimacy of sex in the way God created it for us has been stolen by an enemy who counterfeits everything holy and pure.  After 37 years of marriage and speaking to literally hundreds of couples, we have come to believe that the most intimate act within marriage is for a husband and a wife to come together in united prayer to their heavenly Father.  To bow our heads and hearts in one accord means that we have put our differences behind us; as partners we come united in agreement without fear and without competition and we exercise faith in Someone greater than ourselves and our abilities.

Prayer is intimate and thus many couples have forfeited couple prayer for prayer with a same sex friend or prayer partner.  Disclosing our hearts in prayer, sharing our deepest desires, sorrows and aspirations is an act of revealing spirit to spirit to Spirit.  “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19)  Early on in our relationship we discovered that we could fight and argue or pray and agree – both are very powerful.  We also discovered that prayer brings security to my wife and honor to me as her husband.  Where to begin if you are not praying together:

Take five minutes in the morning or as you close the day and pray.

Do not pray at one another, but for one another.

Start praying by giving thanks for all God has done and is doing.

Do not “out pray” your partner.  Keep it balanced and simple.

Start small and allow it to grow over time until you discover the need to pray.

Hold hands while you are praying.

Disclose your heart to your heavenly Father and find agreement with your earthly life mate.

Watch your prayer lives grow as you ride in the car together, as you turn off the TV, put down the book or turn off the computer, as you sit with one another in the morning or holding one another at night to pray, pray, pray.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

 Number 5: Change vs. Resistance

Resistance just comes naturally.  Often our first response to our child when they make a request is, “No.”  Charles Swindol once said that if he could raise his children over again he would say “yes” more often.  Without thought, have you said “no” to your spouse more often than you have said “yes?”  We resist because some things initially seem out-of-order or different; we resist because it’s new and unfamiliar; we resist because the new way represents change and change is often insecure to us, hard work, uncomfortable and/or outside of our “normal” range.  In our marriage, I love change while Mary finds herself often initially resistant, at least until she can “see” the need for change.  The thought can be, “Why change, things are fine the way they are.”

God, however, specializes in change by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2).  His change is for our individual good, maturity, and healing (to become more like Him).  But here’s the catch: He often uses our spouse to provoke certain change in our life.  Early in our marriage, I thought Mary was a spender and she thought me to be tight with finances.  As God opened our eyes to each other’s gifts, we discovered that Mary was a giver, one who blesses, and I was the one who was saving for future needs and future vision.  Together, as we adapted to change vs. resistance, we became a powerful team of balance.  As we embrace godly change, we may discover a gift in our mate that we have been resisting and it just may lead to a deeper unity.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number Four: The Six Most Difficult Words to Say in Marriage

Why is it so easy to apologize to the person on the street when you bump into him?  How can apologies come flying out of your mouth so fast with a complete stranger?  Why is it so difficult to say that you are sorry to your spouse when you “bump” into their emotions or unknowingly hit a sensitive issue?  To the stranger on the street, we have nothing invested; the relationship is nonexistent and therefore an easy apology surfaces.  To the one you have invested your life into, that’s a different story.  What are the six most difficult words in marriage?  In my opinion they are: “I am sorry, I was wrong.”  To make it nine words add, “…please forgive me.”

There is an amazing question in chapter four verse one of the book of James, “What cause fights and quarrels among you?”  Think back to the last words of disagreement you had with your spouse.  The next verse reveals the desire of that disagreement.  “You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and you covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.”  At the core of conflict is a desire for something and it may actually be a good desire.  But when we do not get the response we’re looking for, James says we then take selfish means to make it happen.  In our human nature, we quarrel and we fight because we are forgetting a very important step – asking God.  The sooner we come together to “ask God” the fewer times we’ll have to say the six, no the nine, most difficult words.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number 3: Honor

Thirty seven years of marriage can teach you lots of things.  When we spoke our vows to one another, to God and to those who witnessed our wedding, we were young, could not see any sickness ahead or any major bumps in the road.  We went as far as to say that we would honor each other.  Honor, what an interesting word?  How does a 21-year-old comprehend honor?  Romans 12 says to honor one another above yourself.  Selfishly, I couldn’t wait to be married for all of the benefits.  In the Greek, the word for honor is, “temay” and it means to give of your time for another to be more important than you are (not quite the definition of selfishness).

In selfishness, we naturally dishonor in word and deed.  We use “put downs,” joke about our mate, neglect their needs, are lacking in affection, and want to talk rather than listen.  Further, homes that do not honor God and give Him first place will as well lack honor within the marriage relationship (see John 5:23 & 12:26).  Children will not honor their parents when honor is missing within the marriage.  Dishonor comes easily while honor comes with sacrifice of one’s self.  To honor is to serve, to speak life and encouragement.  It is to esteem and to respect.  It is to see the queen in every woman and the king in every man.  Honor focuses on the gifts and strengths and acknowledges them out loud.  Honor defends, believes in and stands guard over one’s life mate.  As you choose to give and show honor, it will change your marriage and your life.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number Two: Marriage is NOT about me

Do you know what the number one break-up of marriage is?  I do not believe it’s finances, sex, communication or even incompatibility (whatever that is).  I have come to believe that the number one break-up of marriage is selfishness.  Selfishness is at the core of the fall of man; it is at the core of each of us from infancy.  We want what we want and our culture reinforces that we can have it.  But marriage is not a once and done decision to get what we want.  It is not like working toward a college degree that once all assignments are handed in and tests passed, we’ve completed it and we’re finished.  Someone has said that marriage is like entering kindergarten; it’s the beginning.  When we enter kindergarten we soon discover that we are not the center of the universe and we do not get our needs met first.  We must learn to share, be kind to others and cooperate with the educational program or we will never learn a thing.

I have seen guys take better care of their cars than their wife.  I have observed women who bend over backwards to accommodate and care for their children, while clearly delivering a message to their husbands that they are of lesser priority than the children.  Philippians 2:3 & 4 states, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but consider others [your spouse?] better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”  It literally means to serve another or put their needs before your own.  Marriage is not about having your needs met, however; it is about meeting the needs of another, your spouse.  Can you imagine a relationship where both husband and wife are putting God first and then placing their spouse second as a life priority? That kind of marriage can begin today with you.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

The next ten weeks will include a series on our evaluation of marriage after 37 years of saying, “I still do.”   This is not simply reflection, but key ingredients that we feel are non-negotiable for the most amazing future.  While they are simple and not new revelation, the question will continually be, “Are we walking in them?”

Number One: Put God First

Jesus in Matthew 22: 36-39 told us to love God first and then love our neighbor as ourselves.  How do we love a neighbor, a spouse, a child or a friend without first knowing and receiving God’s love for ourselves?  When we know His love, He becomes our identity, our esteem, then and only then can we love others as we love ourselves.  Domestic violence is the number one crime against the family today.  How can one who has vowed to love as Christ loves His church possibly hit, harm or abuse their spouse in any way?  The answer is through self-hate.  Jail cells are full of self-haters and marriages are inundated with those who cannot love their spouse because they do not know and have not received a revelation of God’s love for themselves.

Before loving your spouse, before loving your children, your ministry and your job we need to love God and make Him Lord of our lives.  Marriage issues are individual issues.  As we love God first and allow Him to provide ongoing healing in our lives, we will at the same time discover ongoing healing in our marriage.  This relationship with God being our number one priority makes Him the bonding agent to your relationship.  Men, if you seriously desire to walk in this truth, your wife will become more secure, more trusting and more joyful with you as her leader.  Ladies, if you place God first, your husband will become more attracted, more understanding, more content and more open to you and to your wisdom.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Marriage Similarities vs. Marriage Differences

Remember when you were dating your spouse and you just knew that you had all things in common?  You found so many similar interests; so many shared ways of doing life.  Then you got married.  Soon you began to discover how different you were from the one you were convinced was just like you.  It was the similarities that brought you together and then, at that point, many couples are deceived into thinking that it is the dissimilarities or differences that begin to tear them apart.  Actually, the opposite is true.

It is the dissimilarities that once embraced actually become your strengths.  You begin to discover that your spouse is different, but in a way that adds to who you are rather than detracting from who you are.  Their strength may even be your weakness while your strengths help to complete them.   Two persons becoming one who are not the same or similar in all things makes for a stronger, healthier and more balanced union.  My wife will often see things a bit different from how I do and I need that view, as she needs mine.  Together, embracing the God-given differences, we are one powerful force.

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