Category Archives: Postmarital

Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

I Want A Divorce…From My Children?

My children were beautiful, big and perfect when they were born, but they soon began crying for every little thing.  They were amazing to watch while they were sleeping, so peaceful, but often awoke in the middle of the night demanding to be fed or needing a diaper change or just some loving attention.  As a young parent, I didn’t know how to prepare for their second and third year of life when I thought their job description was to cause parental mental disorder.  Starting school was happy and sad as I watched them carry their first backpacks.  A whole new world of problems surfaced with selfish desires, comparisons, insecurities and inadequacies.  The questions were endless and the needs for more clothes, soccer equipment, extra money for this and that were insatiable.  Middle school and music, friends and styles and first loves were more than one could possibly plan or prepare for.  If all that wasn’t enough, high school came with the battle of the wills, the “why not, everyone else is!” statements,  raised voices, driving lessons, more raised voices, attitudes, incompatibility,  that awful “whatever” word, first jobs, more clothes, more money and more demands.

And, you know what?  Never once did I want to divorce or even separate from my children.  They were my children and I loved them no matter what.  Most days I was extremely proud and some days emotionally spent and discouraged.  There was no plan B, we would make it as a family and I (we)  would raise our children to the best of my (our) ability.  I would do my best to be patient, respond correctly, teach, pray for and with, correct, protect and direct.  Divorce?  Not an option.  I would see them through college and walk them down the aisle.  I would believe in their financial skills even after a terrible mistake.  I would give my life for them.  There was no parenting manual; some issues never resolved; there was always some growing up to do.  There was no calling it quits, never would I lose hope and stop believing for the best.  They were mine and I was responsible, until death do us part.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Marriage: A Lifetime Affair

In a matter of days, Mary and I will celebrate 38 years of “holy matrimony.”  Who knew after saying “I do” 38 years ago, today we would be saying, “I still do?”  Who knew we would have three children all through college with two of them happily married?  Who knew that “old love” would be better in so many ways over “young love” and that holding hands (with a growing number of age spots surfacing), kissing and saying “I love you” would still be so delightful?  Who knew that we would frequently enjoy lighter moments and laugh together so much (and that Mary would still laugh at my jokes)?  Who knew that we would write a book together and be working on a second?   Who knew that people would actually read the books?  Who knew that a marriage relationship could progress to such oneness, maintain a deep and growing respect and honor and could still generate the “I missed you” feelings when one of us is away?  Who knew that speaking to God together could generate an intimacy greater than any other life experience?  Who knew that so much of our life mission could possibly be realized in just 38 brief years?  And, who knows how much longer we have the privilege of loving God and loving one another on this earth?

    Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…  Jeremiah 1:5

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Number One Relationship Inhibitor

A few of years ago, I heard about a study of primary school children.  The study was centered on trying to discover the number one inhibitor to their creativity and eventually to their performance.  I was intrigued as to what these social scientists identified.  While there were many ingredients, there was one area that stood out as the number one killer of creativity and it wasn’t the loss of a parent or the family financial status.  The number one inhibitor was critical judgment.  When words of critical judgment are cast upon another human being, that person begins to suffer a creativity crisis that can lead to an identity crisis.

When a child hears these consistent words and tone of voice or nonverbal looks that say, “We never planned you; you were not wanted; you obviously don’t belong in this family,” they will begin to believe these words.  Their life will be scared and their demeanor, the look on their face or life expectations, will take on this spirit of critical judgment like a cloud hovering over them.

Do you want to “kill” your spouse and end up killing your marriage, then regularly speak words of critical judgment like, “I don’t know why I married a loser like you; of course you’re not ready on time, you never are; could you possibly be any more stupid; you are the world’s worst when it comes to directions; why can’t you get a better job?”  Or, if you want to begin a release of creativity and affirmation in your mate then try speaking words of blessing like, “You’re amazing; you work so hard; you look beautiful or handsome today; I am thrilled to be married to you; I love your hair that way.”  Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  Proverbs 12:18

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Marriage, Postmarital

Deception in Marriage II

After an unsuspecting wife found a small piece of paper with the name “Mary Lou” on it, she became angry.  Hitting her husband over the head with a frying pan he asked, “What was that for?”  His wife replied, “I found this paper with the name Mary Lou on it in your pants pocket this morning while doing the wash.  What do you have to say for yourself?”   Quickly her husband said, “Oh, I was at the race track last week and that was the name of the horse I bet on.”  To her embarrassment his wife apologized for jumping to conclusions and not trusting her husband.  About a week later she found her husband sitting at the computer and whaled him once again, but this time with a cast iron skillet knocking him out cold. When he became conscious he asked, “AND WHAT WAS THAT FOR THIS TIME?”  His wife with fire in her eyes said, “Your horse called!”

Jeremiah wrote that…  “The heart is deceitful above all things…who can understand it?”  Then God said, “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind…”  (Jeremiah 17: 9, 10)  We are told that people lie so often today that they have trouble differentiating between a lie and the truth.  Jeremiah tells us that our hearts are deceitful in their sinful condition, but that God takes the time to personally check our heart and examine our mind.  If He sat down with you today, would He locate any deceitfulness?  What’s at stake – only your character, your integrity, your word, your reputation and your legacy?  A lie to your spouse or anyone else takes seconds to produce, but it could take much longer to straighten out down the road.  The next time you are not completely honest try this:  As soon as the Holy Spirit reveals to you the deception, apologize and straighten it out right then and there, don’t wait.  You won’t regret it.  The slight and brief embarrassment is worth gaining the long term effects of speaking the truth.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital

Deception in Marriage

Is there room for any form of deception in marriage…lying?  Can we keep some information from our life mate about ourselves, about them or about some other important issue in life?  Do all of us have secrets that no one else knows?  For what reason would we hide something from our mates?  Perhaps we feel that it would be too hurtful to them and there is nothing to be gained by them knowing.  Yes, I suppose there are times when we do not reveal all, but the process of how one makes that decision is perhaps the most important piece.  Do we withhold out of protection and love or out of deception submersed in pride and fear?

One day I was with a friend who spoke a critical word toward my wife.  I was stunned.  While he saw his observation as accurate, I knew that I would never speak these words to my wife; there would be no redemptive factor.  On the other hand, to withhold because we failed in sin is a cover-up.  The protection is of our own pride, fear, and lack of full repentance to be completely honest with our God and then our spouse (Psalm 59:12).  Where there is cover-up, mark my word, there will eventually be exposure.  At that point, the issue will be far greater in impact and devastation to your oneness.  Hosea wrote that if we would sow righteousness we would reap unfailing love and then this verse followed, “But, you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception on your own strength…” (Hosea 10: 11, 12).  If there is an ongoing deception you live with, I would encourage you to speak to God about it and then ask Him for the process of how to confess to your mate and trust Him for a deeper marriage relationship void of secrets.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Marriage and Selfish Ambition

When two individuals say “I do” and start the process of becoming one, a battle begins.  It’s a battle to save individuality, self-identity and pride.  The latter goes away with the most difficulty.  After many years of marriage and marriage counseling, I have come to the belief that most marriage issues are not really marriage issues at all.  By that I mean the marriage is not the issue, the individual is.  We bring our assumptions and expectations, our individual desires and dreams, our needs and wants into this relationship with barely a thought of the needs and desires of another.  Do you remember when you first discovered that this person whom you chose to spend the rest of your life with cannot meet your needs?  Shocking.  Typically, we then force our way and demand our needs to be met.  We fight and argue, push and pull, scream threats and walk out, but nothing changes.

Throughout all of this we hear a quiet voice coming from our spirit that says, “It’s you who needs to change, not her/him.”   Two becoming one can bring the worst out of us and He uses the person that we are madly in love with to do it.  Since we don’t like seeing our worst, we demand change of our mate –  a selfish move on our part.  Immaturity always wants its needs met, while maturity desires to meet the needs of the other.  Listen to these words of wisdom, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others (your spouse) better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (your spouse).”  (Philippians 2: 3, 4)  Now there’s a great idea.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Marriage: Is it to Make You More Holy or Happy?

Someone once said that a man in love is incomplete until he has married; then he’s finished.  I’m not sure that’s true, but I do know marriage can bring the best or the worst out of us.  Author Gary Thomas says that perhaps the reason God created marriage was to make us more like Him, a kind of iron sharpening iron thing.  He poses the question, “What if marriage is to make us more holy rather than happy?”  Fair question, I’m thinking.  I ‘m pretty sure that after 38 years I am holier and happier due to the woman of God I am committed to.  Truthfully, I know people like my wife more than me and I understand why.  Before you go on feeling all sorry for me, you should know that I agree with them.  I try to be nice, but she’s just nicer.  I try to be giving, but she forever out-gives me.  She’s older than me (At this point, she would require me to add, “By seven months.”), but looks younger than me.  She’s always been more polite and truly more forgiving of people.  I can write people off more easily and be less patient.  I could go on…

Marriage is not man’s idea.  Most religions of the world and cultures marry.  Marriage predates Christianity by a few years; it’s a creation act of God.  God created a man, Adam.  Adam found no partner among the animal kingdom, not even the ape – too hairy and those arms hanging down to the ground, yikes!  He then “fashioned” Eve from Adam’s side, she was not made from the dirt, but from a rib.  When Adam woke up from anesthesia, the scriptures say that Eve, the first woman, was brought to the first man, naked and unashamed.  Adam’s first words were, “This is definitely not one of those weird, scaly, hairy and smelly animals.  This is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones…wo-man!”  (My paraphrase)  After this initial wide-eyed excitement, Adam and Eve began to discover differences in thought, word and deed.

I can only imagine those first questions: “Eve, why does it take you so long to get ready to go to the garden, make-up will not even be invented for thousands of years?”  Or, “Adam, seriously, do you have to make those noises at the dinner table as well?”  Maybe I agree with Gary Thomas, marriage is bound to help make us more holy, but let’s have fun and be happy along the way.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Thankfulness in Our Marriage

When is the last time you thanked your wife for doing the laundry or your husband for washing the car?  By the way, have you spoken a word of thanks to your husband for running the vacuum cleaner or your wife for balancing the checkbook?  One day I was driving home from my office and the Lord reminded me of I Timothy 6: 6, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”  When discontent surfaces in our spirit toward our spouse, we can quickly lose thankfulness.  We focus on all the things our spouse is not doing or expectations that are unmet rather than focusing on all the good things they are accomplishing.  Further, until we reach contentment in our own life, we’ll experience discontent creeping in toward others.

Why do we measure personal contentment by what we expect from others?  For example, I have heard parents say, “I’ll be content when this kid gets out of diapers or when he goes to school or when she graduates or…”  When I was reminded of that verse in I Timothy on my drive home, I sensed that God was saying, “Contentment is NOW, not WHEN _________.”  (You can fill in the blank.)  If I am thankful for my wife and the many things she does to care for our marriage now, then I will not waste time in discontent and thanklessness, both of which are extremely unproductive.  Thankfulness in our marriages is contagious, especially when expressed for the many daily routine tasks.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital

Disagreements in the Marriage Relationship

If you are married any length of time, you quickly discovered that this person who you thought was just like you was in reality quite different from you.  In fact, you may have wondered where this new person came from and where your former husband or wife went.  Counselors will tell us that most couples know how to fight, but what they do not know how to do is resolve their conflicts.  We’re good at stating our cause, defending our side and being right.  But, if the goal is being right, then one of you has to admit being wrong.  We all know how hard that confession becomes.

One day I was complaining to God about how often I have to apologize to my wife.  So, I asked Him why is that so frequently the case.  His answer?  Because I was the one who was so often wrong – ouch.  James 4 asks an interesting question, “Where do fights and quarrels come from among you?”  Great question wouldn’t you say?  What’s the answer?  “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but you don’t get it.”  Think of your last fight or disagreement.  You wanted one thing and your spouse wanted another.  Maybe both of you wanted something good, but it turned into a “who is right” rather than doing what James further encourages us to do.

“You quarrel and you fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.”  Rather than fighting, God wants us to ask Him – pray together.  After all, what’s more powerful than disagreement?  Agreement.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Genesis One and Two Marriages

We were born in a Genesis three world, the world of fallen natures.  It is all we know.  You and I have never experienced what God originally intended for us as individuals, as married couples and as families.  What God designed was without sin and without curse.  We do not know a curse-free world.  Our marriages have never experienced such freedom as walking with God hand in hand in the garden He planted.

But what we do have is the curse breaker, Jesus.  Galatians 3: 13 says, “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, it is written: ‘Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.’”  In Jeff VanVonderen’s book, Families Where Grace is in Place, he makes the statement, “In a curse-full marriage, one partner makes demands on the other as if he/she were the source rather than a resource.”  He then states the ingredients to a curse-filled relationship as controlling, unforgiving, reactive, shaming and ego-driven.  If Jesus took these curse-filled areas to the cross, then we do not need to walk in them.  Marriage issues are individual issues.  As you and I are individually healed by the Curse Breaker, we will notice a healed marriage to follow.

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