Category Archives: Postmarital

Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital

Deception in Marriage

Is there room for any form of deception in marriage…lying?  Can we keep some information from our life mate about ourselves, about them or about some other important issue in life?  Do all of us have secrets that no one else knows?  For what reason would we hide something from our mates?  Perhaps we feel that it would be too hurtful to them and there is nothing to be gained by them knowing.  Yes, I suppose there are times when we do not reveal all, but the process of how one makes that decision is perhaps the most important piece.  Do we withhold out of protection and love or out of deception submersed in pride and fear?

One day I was with a friend who spoke a critical word toward my wife.  I was stunned.  While he saw his observation as accurate, I knew that I would never speak these words to my wife; there would be no redemptive factor.  On the other hand, to withhold because we failed in sin is a cover-up.  The protection is of our own pride, fear, and lack of full repentance to be completely honest with our God and then our spouse (Psalm 59:12).  Where there is cover-up, mark my word, there will eventually be exposure.  At that point, the issue will be far greater in impact and devastation to your oneness.  Hosea wrote that if we would sow righteousness we would reap unfailing love and then this verse followed, “But, you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception on your own strength…” (Hosea 10: 11, 12).  If there is an ongoing deception you live with, I would encourage you to speak to God about it and then ask Him for the process of how to confess to your mate and trust Him for a deeper marriage relationship void of secrets.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Marriage and Selfish Ambition

When two individuals say “I do” and start the process of becoming one, a battle begins.  It’s a battle to save individuality, self-identity and pride.  The latter goes away with the most difficulty.  After many years of marriage and marriage counseling, I have come to the belief that most marriage issues are not really marriage issues at all.  By that I mean the marriage is not the issue, the individual is.  We bring our assumptions and expectations, our individual desires and dreams, our needs and wants into this relationship with barely a thought of the needs and desires of another.  Do you remember when you first discovered that this person whom you chose to spend the rest of your life with cannot meet your needs?  Shocking.  Typically, we then force our way and demand our needs to be met.  We fight and argue, push and pull, scream threats and walk out, but nothing changes.

Throughout all of this we hear a quiet voice coming from our spirit that says, “It’s you who needs to change, not her/him.”   Two becoming one can bring the worst out of us and He uses the person that we are madly in love with to do it.  Since we don’t like seeing our worst, we demand change of our mate –  a selfish move on our part.  Immaturity always wants its needs met, while maturity desires to meet the needs of the other.  Listen to these words of wisdom, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others (your spouse) better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (your spouse).”  (Philippians 2: 3, 4)  Now there’s a great idea.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Marriage: Is it to Make You More Holy or Happy?

Someone once said that a man in love is incomplete until he has married; then he’s finished.  I’m not sure that’s true, but I do know marriage can bring the best or the worst out of us.  Author Gary Thomas says that perhaps the reason God created marriage was to make us more like Him, a kind of iron sharpening iron thing.  He poses the question, “What if marriage is to make us more holy rather than happy?”  Fair question, I’m thinking.  I ‘m pretty sure that after 38 years I am holier and happier due to the woman of God I am committed to.  Truthfully, I know people like my wife more than me and I understand why.  Before you go on feeling all sorry for me, you should know that I agree with them.  I try to be nice, but she’s just nicer.  I try to be giving, but she forever out-gives me.  She’s older than me (At this point, she would require me to add, “By seven months.”), but looks younger than me.  She’s always been more polite and truly more forgiving of people.  I can write people off more easily and be less patient.  I could go on…

Marriage is not man’s idea.  Most religions of the world and cultures marry.  Marriage predates Christianity by a few years; it’s a creation act of God.  God created a man, Adam.  Adam found no partner among the animal kingdom, not even the ape – too hairy and those arms hanging down to the ground, yikes!  He then “fashioned” Eve from Adam’s side, she was not made from the dirt, but from a rib.  When Adam woke up from anesthesia, the scriptures say that Eve, the first woman, was brought to the first man, naked and unashamed.  Adam’s first words were, “This is definitely not one of those weird, scaly, hairy and smelly animals.  This is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones…wo-man!”  (My paraphrase)  After this initial wide-eyed excitement, Adam and Eve began to discover differences in thought, word and deed.

I can only imagine those first questions: “Eve, why does it take you so long to get ready to go to the garden, make-up will not even be invented for thousands of years?”  Or, “Adam, seriously, do you have to make those noises at the dinner table as well?”  Maybe I agree with Gary Thomas, marriage is bound to help make us more holy, but let’s have fun and be happy along the way.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Thankfulness in Our Marriage

When is the last time you thanked your wife for doing the laundry or your husband for washing the car?  By the way, have you spoken a word of thanks to your husband for running the vacuum cleaner or your wife for balancing the checkbook?  One day I was driving home from my office and the Lord reminded me of I Timothy 6: 6, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”  When discontent surfaces in our spirit toward our spouse, we can quickly lose thankfulness.  We focus on all the things our spouse is not doing or expectations that are unmet rather than focusing on all the good things they are accomplishing.  Further, until we reach contentment in our own life, we’ll experience discontent creeping in toward others.

Why do we measure personal contentment by what we expect from others?  For example, I have heard parents say, “I’ll be content when this kid gets out of diapers or when he goes to school or when she graduates or…”  When I was reminded of that verse in I Timothy on my drive home, I sensed that God was saying, “Contentment is NOW, not WHEN _________.”  (You can fill in the blank.)  If I am thankful for my wife and the many things she does to care for our marriage now, then I will not waste time in discontent and thanklessness, both of which are extremely unproductive.  Thankfulness in our marriages is contagious, especially when expressed for the many daily routine tasks.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital

Disagreements in the Marriage Relationship

If you are married any length of time, you quickly discovered that this person who you thought was just like you was in reality quite different from you.  In fact, you may have wondered where this new person came from and where your former husband or wife went.  Counselors will tell us that most couples know how to fight, but what they do not know how to do is resolve their conflicts.  We’re good at stating our cause, defending our side and being right.  But, if the goal is being right, then one of you has to admit being wrong.  We all know how hard that confession becomes.

One day I was complaining to God about how often I have to apologize to my wife.  So, I asked Him why is that so frequently the case.  His answer?  Because I was the one who was so often wrong – ouch.  James 4 asks an interesting question, “Where do fights and quarrels come from among you?”  Great question wouldn’t you say?  What’s the answer?  “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but you don’t get it.”  Think of your last fight or disagreement.  You wanted one thing and your spouse wanted another.  Maybe both of you wanted something good, but it turned into a “who is right” rather than doing what James further encourages us to do.

“You quarrel and you fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.”  Rather than fighting, God wants us to ask Him – pray together.  After all, what’s more powerful than disagreement?  Agreement.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Genesis One and Two Marriages

We were born in a Genesis three world, the world of fallen natures.  It is all we know.  You and I have never experienced what God originally intended for us as individuals, as married couples and as families.  What God designed was without sin and without curse.  We do not know a curse-free world.  Our marriages have never experienced such freedom as walking with God hand in hand in the garden He planted.

But what we do have is the curse breaker, Jesus.  Galatians 3: 13 says, “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, it is written: ‘Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.’”  In Jeff VanVonderen’s book, Families Where Grace is in Place, he makes the statement, “In a curse-full marriage, one partner makes demands on the other as if he/she were the source rather than a resource.”  He then states the ingredients to a curse-filled relationship as controlling, unforgiving, reactive, shaming and ego-driven.  If Jesus took these curse-filled areas to the cross, then we do not need to walk in them.  Marriage issues are individual issues.  As you and I are individually healed by the Curse Breaker, we will notice a healed marriage to follow.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Marriage is a Team Effort

God loves teams.  The very first team was the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.   Adam and Eve were created to be a team of two and then as children were born, a family team.  God encouraged teams for Moses of tens, hundreds and thousands.  Jesus had a team of twelve and an even closer team of three.  Many of us love team sports and have even played them.  Teams work together for a common goal through common values and a common plan.  Teams practice every day at becoming better in their sport or their sales goals.

When a team begins to fight with or pick on one another, they defeat themselves.   Something I call the Terrell Owens syndrome is when a team member sees himself as more valuable than his teammates.  These types of thoughts eventually lead him to feeling superior through thinking the team needs him but he doesn’t need the team.  Team members watch each other’s backs. (Think Michael Orr when he was learning the game of football portrayed in the movie Blind Side.)   Teams have their differences, but they realize they cannot hold on to them or it will affect the outcome of the game.

How are you working on team in your marriage?  If your marriage was a professional doubles tennis team, what would need to change in order for you to be in sync on the court?  Or, if you were a professional dance team, how would you anticipate your partner’s next move so that you can move with him?

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital, Small Groups

The Most Intimate Thing a Couple Can Do

Is sexual intimacy the most intimate aspect of marriage?  Is sex the most intimate act between two human beings?  If the answer is “yes,” then social scientists are correct when they conclude that at our very core, we are primarily sexual beings.  But, Scripture tells us we are spirit, soul and body (I Thessalonians 5:23).  If we were just soul and body, I might be inclined to agree with social scientists.  God, however, in creating us in His image added the eternal part of us, the spirit.  Therefore, I would conclude that we are primarily spirit, having a soul (will, mind and emotions), all housed on this earth in our temporary vessel, the body.  If we are primarily spirit, then our first function, our most important function is to worship God.

What does all this have to do with sexual intimacy and marriage?  It is to conclude that sex is NOT the most intimate aspect of marriage.  What is then?  Seeking the face of God together.  Prayer between husband and wife, spirit to spirit, to Holy Spirit is the most intimate thing we can be involved in within the marriage covenant.  No wonder so many Christian couples do not pray together. For far too many, it’s way too intimate to fully disclose your heart, speak your deepest desires and blurt out your darkest brokenness.  The enemy knows that if we take a step of faith and enter into this closet of prayer intimacy with our life mate, nothing will stop us.  When two or three agree…  Agreement together in the Spirit is a place of unity, a place of oneness and that place, dear ones, is far more powerful than disagreement.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Married and Friends: The Trust Factor III

The month of February has a wonderful tradition in the middle of it, Valentine’s Day. With that in mind, I thought I would set aside this month for marriage topics, or perhaps more than this month – who knows.

John Gottman of the University of Washington has said, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”  Good friends are not easy to come by;  really great and close friends are even more difficult to find or maintain.  While there are volumes of books written on romance and sexual issues, finances and budgets, there seems to be too few mentioning friendship and how to maintain it while married.  Is friendship really that far down on the necessities of marriage priorities scale?  I don’t think so.

 In 1977 when Mary and I were married for only two years, we loaded up our moving truck to travel from southern Virginia to northern Pennsylvania.  We were going to begin a faith-based ministry to teenagers.  It was during those eight years of service that we became best friends.  Everyday life depended on the two of us walking together in unity, in faith and prayerful agreement.  We could not afford to fight each other as the spiritual atmosphere we lived in on a daily basis was enough to fight through.  We found emotional closeness, we found spiritual oneness and we found advocacy within the arms of one another.  Being friends caused our home to be more welcoming and friendly.  What else did we discover in those years to build a friendship relationship?

Time off and being away together

Laughing together

Talking, sharing, relating, praying (simply being nice to one another)

Protecting one another

Becoming consistently loyal to one another (one heart)

Refusing to put ourselves or our spouse down (we are one)

Believing the best in one another (good will)

Defending one another

Building Christ in one another (Colossians 1:28)

Praising in public; confronting in private

Smiling at one another for no particular reason

Kissing and saying “I love you” in different ways daily

Holding hands, always holding hands

 

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Married and Friends: The Trust Factor II

The month of February has a wonderful tradition in the middle of it, Valentine’s Day. With that in mind, I thought I would set aside this month for marriage topics, or perhaps more than this month – who knows.

We have often heard that trust is built on a very thin thread.  Because relationships are the most important thing in life, trust becomes a key ingredient.  Without trust, a relationship can only go so far.  The relationship will have a very clear line of demarcation that says, “This is as far as we go until there is a deeper level of trust.”  Whether it is a work relationship, a marriage relationship or a local church relationship, building trust takes time.  When trust is broken, especially by those who we love, the hurt is deeper and taken more personally.  The fact remains, the less I have invested in a relationship, the less the hurt.

“But I thought I could trust you…” are words none of us ever desire to hear.  It means someone feels that we have failed them.  The trust factor, when connected to love in a relationship that we have spent hours or perhaps years investing in, is a huge ingredient in the future of the relationship.  In other words, sow seeds of trusting and being trustworthy today and you’ll reap the harvest of a deeper relationship tomorrow.  Said another way, if mistrust is felt or expressed today, perhaps we need to take a closer look at yesterday.

For example, if every time you go shopping you spend more money than what you and your spouse agreed upon, trust erodes with each incident.  As we recognize our weaknesses through the mistakes we make and take responsibility for them with accountability, the trust level can be rebuilt.  Like a broken bone in our body, it takes a significant time to heal.  But once it does, medical science tells us that the bone will not break there again as it welds itself back into place.

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