Category Archives: Marriage

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #16

This is the sixteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

16. How do you observe his/her personal relationships?  What is the nature of this person’s relationships with parents, siblings, friends, bosses at work or teachers at school, neighbors, co-workers and former significant others?  Does this person walk in freedom from past hurts or wounds from peers or authority figures?  Does he/she tend to blame others for relational issues, or does he/she take ownership of personal shortcomings?  Does this person acknowledge and apologize when he/she is wrong?  (Matthew 6: 14; Colossians 3: 12-13; I Timothy 2: 1-2)

Somewhere I read about this fellow who took on a new job and was asked by his new boss about the atmosphere of his former employment.  The man replied, “It was terrible, the people were difficult and the bosses were impossible. ”  Then he added, “I sure hope it’s different here.”  His new manager quickly retorted, “It won’t be.”  He was coming with the wrong attitude and he’ll most likely leave with the wrong attitude.  Maturity means that we take responsibility.  Life hurts and stings are simply not everyone else’s fault.  If someone you love rarely takes responsibility for their shortcomings, believe me, eventually you’ll be their target.  I once knew a man like this who could not keep a job.  Oh, he was a hard worker and all, but he could not take orders from anyone.  This type of person ends up being able to only work for themselves, being their own boss.

Relationships are the most important thing in life.  While we do not choose our parents, our siblings and some others, it is our choice in how hard we work at humbling ourselves in order to get along with them.  Someone wisely said, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship?”  There are times in life when both are not an option.  Walk humbly before your God and one another.  Show lots of grace, because it’s grace you’ll need for yourself one day.  Meditate on the above noted scripture, stop blaming others, look in the mirror and resolve to take the necessary steps of change toward humility.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #15

This is the fifteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

15. How does this person spend his/her free time?  Does this person understand and demonstrate a healthy balance between work and rest, or is he/she unable to detach from work and enjoy leisure and personal activities?  Does this person spend an excessive amount of time using and interacting with technology and social media (e.g., cell phone, internet, television, video games, Facebook)?  Is this person pursuing healthy and productive hobbies, activities and interests?  How do you spend your free time together?  (Matthew 13:1)

One of my favorite New Testament verses states, “That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake.”  I simply love this verse because I crave what it says.  Our Lord, on earth with a three and one half-year window, took the necessary time to sit by the lake.  What was He doing?  That’s just it, He wasn’t “doing” He was being.  He took time out to rest, to reflect, to breath in the fresh air that surrounds the tranquil presence of water.  We live in a culture that is noisy and full of time-stealing stuff.  Can you, can this person you are interested in take the time to “sit by the lake” and enjoy each other along with His presence?  Work is a gift from God and so is rest.  How do you like to rest?  Does this special person allow you to just take a break, leave you alone and stop constantly calling or texting?  Can you honor them and do the same?  We are, at times, too accessible to one another.  Life is a balancing act in order to maintain our spiritual, physical and emotional health.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #14

This is the fourteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

14. Is this person serving others?  Is there a personal or developing compassion for others, or is there too much attention devoted to self?  What do you observe to be his/her life balance of caring for others in contrast to personal priorities such as: work, rest, play, television, family, friends, your dating relationship, etc? (Romans 15:1-3; Philippians 2:3-8)

Jesus made it very clear that the greatest in His kingdom was also the most humble.  It takes a humble spirit to be willing to serve others.  It means denying yourself and that does not come naturally.  I have watched my wife serve others, my children and me for over 36 years.  If you look back over your life and think about those who served you, you’ll come to the realization of how they have literally impacted you for a life time.  To “see” the needs of others above our own needs requires a developing sense of compassion.  And that developing sense of compassion is provoked by a true, albeit rare, heart of selfless love.

As a leader, I watch others.  I take notice of those who run to get into line first vs. those who will insist that you go before them.  I look and listen for life balance in what they share with me.  If you’ll listen long enough, you will pick up patterns of speech and what they like to talk about the most.  If it centers around themselves, be forewarned, “selfish ambition” may still be their goal and that goal is insatiable.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #13

This is the thirteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

13. Can you identify the use of this person’s spiritual and natural gifts?  What gifts does this person have and is he/she faithfully using and sharing these gifts in service to God and others?  Is this person training others in these gifts and multiplying what God has given to him/her?  Does he/she recognize that these are God’s gifts not for one’s own profit, esteem or personal gain?  (Romans 11:29, 12:6; I Corinthians 12:4)

The scripture reveals that God gives gifts to everyone.   Believers and non-believers alike have been given gifts.  Have you ever had a gifted teacher in your life?  Have you ever heard a gifted musician?  As you consider this relationship, how do you see your gifts complimenting one another?  How have you already operated within your “gift mix?”  Mary and I are different in our gift mix and, while it has taken some time to discover, we now know our differing gifts actually are complimentary to one another.

Mary has a gift of giving and I have the gift of saving.  Before we saw how these two gifts actually help us as a couple, Mary thought I was too “tight” and I thought she was too much of a “spender.”  Discovering the balancing act, we now have a complimentary dance with our finances and God has blessed our unity and agreement.

Discover the gifts God has given you and how He has asked you to use them.  He desires to bring someone to you who will also embrace those gifts and offer a unified gift mix within your relationship.  Initially it may feel like an uncomplimentary difference, but remember, opposites attract for a reason.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #12

This is the twelfth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

12. Is this person walking in high moral character, purity and integrity (continued)?  Does this person exhibit any questionable behavior or tendencies toward lying, exaggerating or story telling?  Are there any unexplained or irrational behaviors that he/she or you excuse?  Is his/her character ever called into question?  Is this person forthright, open and honest with you even if it makes him/her look bad?  What does integrity mean to this person?  Does it mean more than looking good in the sight of others?  Does he/she hold a biblical view of purity and holiness and is their definition of purity holiness the same as yours?   (Galatians 1:10; Proverbs 10:9, 11:3, 12:22)

Integrity means telling the truth 100% of the time.  Jesus never lied and He desires us to follow His example of integrity.  I have a friend who at one time worked at a department store customer service counter and he said he caught people in lies all the time.  Every day our courts have persons take an oath to tell the truth and then speak falsely on the witness stand.  Truth telling is a value that will stand the test of time in a relationship.  When we do lie, we will soon discover that another lie will be needed to cover the first one.  The Lord detests lying lips, but delights in the truth.  (Proverbs 12:22)  Are you speaking the truth in your relationship and are you hearing the truth?

Money has a way of showing the depth of our character.  Treasures expose the heart of a man or woman.  Financial values are exposed in our giving, our sowing, in paying our bills, in our business affairs and transactions.  The scriptures are clear when it says that we will never be able to handle spiritual wealth if we cannot be faithful with a little worldly wealth.  Is this person honest in all of their financial dealings?  If they are bragging about getting away with something now, it will continue with increase.  Integrity must be deeper than simply gaining riches.  A stingy man is eager to get rich and is unaware that poverty awaits him.  (Proverbs 28:22)

 

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #8

This is the eight in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

8.  Does this person walk in accountability?  Does this person have a mentoring relationship with a pastor or other spiritual leader, someone they have given authority to speak into his/her life, to provide challenge and correction?   Can you speak into his/her life freely and can this person receive your input?  Is this person accountable with personal possessions, finances and their spiritual disciplines?  Do you feel any ongoing resistance when it comes to the discipline of accountability or submission to spiritual authority? (Hebrews 4:13)

Accountability says a lot about character and maturity.  It says that this person is not wanting to hide anything before God and man.  They are open to input and correction.  No one is perfect and each one of us need spiritual mothers and fathers to speak into our lives.  While receiving accountability,  is this person actively mentoring others?  Are they sowing into others what they themselves are receiving?  If we appreciate spiritual authority in our lives as a single person, we will appreciate it even more as a married person.  Who is loving you enough to speak the truth into your life, providing accountability and correction?

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #7

This is the seventh in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

7.  Is this person free to remain single?  To truly be free to marry one day, one must possess the true peace, contentment and freedom to remain single.  (I Timothy 6:6)  This does not mean that you have the gift of singleness, but that you embrace, enjoy and walk in contentment with your status as a single person until the day arrives when you say, “I do.”  Is this person pursuing marriage or pursuing maturity?  Mature persons, when married, tend to remain married and are better able to work through difficult issues.  Immature persons pursue marriage because they believe it will meet certain needs they have.  It is the mature person who can recognize the needs of others and it is the immature person who gets stuck on requiring, sometimes demanding, others to meet their needs.  Finally, is this person idolizing the concept of marriage, or is he/she willing to wait for God’s clear direction and choice of a life mate? (I Corinthians 7:1, 2, 25-27, 36, 37)

A fisherman friend of mine asked me one day, “How come Jesus says we are to be fishers of men when fishing is all about the deception and trickery of baiting an unsuspecting fish?”  I told him that fishing with bait was not deceptive, but attractive and luring.  The fish are drawn to your lure because they see it as meeting a need for food.  As believers we are to be attractive, a fragrance of the living God, so we draw in and engage those who are in need of spiritual food.  If you remain satisfied as a single in your relationship with Jesus, i.e., fulfilled, you will be attractive.

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #6

This is the sixth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

6. Does this person walk in freedom and pursue greater freedom in all areas of their life?  Or, spoken another way, is he/she pursuing freedom from: substance abuse, religious spirits, soul attachments from prior relationships, anger issues, a need to be in control, stress or excessive anxiety, pornography or sexual addictions, dependent or co-dependent relationships?  Healing is a life-long process; is this person pursuing healing in his/her spirit, soul and body? (Galatians 5:1)

Rarely do we hang out all of our dirty laundry for all to see, especially with the one we just might want to marry.  While “putting our best foot forward,” we are, at the same time, looking for genuine vulnerability as we practice humility.  There is truth about being completely honest in the estimation of ourselves.  If this person did not enjoy a healthy upbringing, are they seeking counsel and reading books on healing or are they blaming others and remaining stagnant in their emotional and spiritual health?  It would seem preferrable to be engaged with the one who knows they need healing and are pursuing that healing, verses the one who is in denial of their history and remains stunted in their personal growth.  My wife, Mary, married an incomplete person for sure, but I was a person on a mission with my God to be whole.  If I wasn’t individually pursuing wholeness, our marriage would not be whole, for two were on the path of becoming one.  And after many years of providing marriage counseling, I have discovered that marriage problems are individual problems first.

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #5

This is the fifth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

5. Does this person challenge you to grow spiritually, emotionally and intellectually?  Does this person hold standards that you desire to reach?  Does he/she help you to recognize and pursue your potential?  Does he/she encourage you to strive for higher levels of knowledge and experience and to be a well-rounded individual?  Does this person inspire you to be a better person and follower of Christ?  (Colossians 1:28)  Do you receive the sense that this person is more interested in your well-being than their own? (Philippians 2:1-7)

Recently, I was reading a friend’s birthday card which said, “I’ve talked about myself enough…”  When you opened the card it then read, “How about you talk about me now.”  Selfishly funny wasn’t it?  Do you get anything close to that kind of feeling around this person?  Loving to talk about themselves, they listen to you only until they can find a place of interruption with something like, “That reminds me of when I…”  I don’t know about you, but I enjoy being around those who take a personal interest, those who really do want to hear how I am doing and those who are not looking at their watch when I am in the middle of sharing an important feeling or spiritual challenge.  I desire others who care enough to challenge me to raise it up a notch.  It says that they see a capacity for a greater potential in me.  This person loves me enough to care about my personal growth.  If we are not being challenged and consequently changed to become a better person by our closest relationships, then our relationships are most likely changing us for the negative.

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #4

This is the fourth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

4. What is this person’s life call or mission?  God has called each of us to specific life mission and He gives gifts to help complete this mission.  While this call can change and evolve, does this person understand his/her own personal mission?  We are each born with purpose, but when we are born again, I believe we find our passion.  What is this person’s passion in life and how does it match with your passion?  If God is calling two to become one, then He is recognizing similar life calls that will complement one another.

What do I mean?  I live in a farming community in Pennsylvania.  If a young man is desiring to be a farmer, then a young wife needs to not only understand that call, believe in that call as a business and ministry, but be willing to come alongside her husband and be a farmer as well.  She needs to be willing to embrace the smell and the flies in her kitchen.  If a young lady has a passion and is called to oversees missions, then a young man who she is desiring to become one with will need to share in that call.  It does not mean we lose our individuality, but are we agreeing to the mission and can that  mission become a co-mission?  Are the two compatible or similar enough to merge into one?  Adam and Eve were given a co-mission, to tend the garden.  (Genesis 2:8, 15, 18)  The Father will do the same for you.  Too many marriages today haven’t a clue as to why they are together.  Could it be that they have not discovered their mission together?

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